600 post-its approximately *beams*

GEEK-IFIED! =D check out the emath on the board lol

our DM. [im beaming out of the ridiculosity of the idea that we're taking a phot with HIM]

us and our chemistry teacher! she rawks.

what i did today.

..you know, i read other people's blogs that go
"uMz, thEn aT 0715:45 i mEt uP with TheM anD thEn we tOok tHe mRt and wE sAt dOwn aNd yaDda yAdda yaddA aNd wIlL n0W exPlaIn tO yOu iN gReAt pAiNfUl deTaIl eVeRy sInGlE tHiNg I dId iNcluDinG tHe pRoceSs oF iNhAlAtioN aNd exHaLaTioN aNd hOw I bLinK."

augh augh augh!! i swear, if i ever end up blogging like that, please please kill me. and make it painful; i SO deserve it.
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nadalala honk yoyo had a weird dream after watching Bring It On and she told us today what it was and it left the bunch of us chortling so hard we nearly fell of the benches. ok fine, it was only me who nearly fell off.

there's this scene in the movie when this bitchy choreographer made the squad line up and critisized them one by one. to one of them, he said, "what's with the skin?? say it with me..SUNLIGHT."

so nadya dreamt she was doing the same thing except the cheerleader in question was our B'BALLER, tomboyish friend who's uh, pretty airport-ish if you get what i mean and in the said dream, she was in a BIKINI competition of all things! lol
so nadya went "what's with the skin?? say it with me..SUNLIGHT."
and then..
"and WHAT's with the chest? say it with me...BOOB JOB."

*laugh so hard she splutters on her ribena*

ok mebbe it was funnier the way she said it and seeing our friend's [who shall remain nameless for her sake lol] indignant and sulky face. she's really funny when she gets 'upset'. she scrunches her face and makes animal noises and occasionaly, she bites. today the victim was gennie but she darted away just in time *phew*
the other time, she and nadya was insulting each other AGAIN while we were studying at mcD - nad was laughing at her own wittiness and jabbing her finger in her face and she promptly bit the offending finger! nadya was abit flabberfasted for a split-second all jaw-dropped then it hit her that her teeth were firmly clamped on her finger then she started "aah!aah!aah!aah!"-ing.
oh what hilarious fun.

i have wild friends. *eville laugh*
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william hung really is a media clown isnt he?
its quite painful to watch him nowadaes not because of his blatant incompetentcy but to /know/ that the media are milking him for all his short-term worth. their using him and its really ugly too watch. more ugly than hearing him speak let alone, sing!
somehow, it reminds me of how people put up imbeciles up on stage and humiliate them and the said imbecile thinks they're laughing with him when they're really laughing AT him. ouch.

may that never happen to me. omm omm.

i was channel-surfing when i came across JAG playing. so i watched it for a few minutes and felt so revulsed.
today's episode was set in Saudi Arabia revolving around the theme of *drumrolls* Islam and Women's Rights [or the lack of it].

why does it sicken me to the gut even though i DO believe that it is a situation that needs to be solved?

because a serious matter like that is being exploited on tv propoganda masquerading as a harmlessly patriotic show. it's an unfair and bias perspective on the situation, exaggerating all the Bads of the saudis and islam and the 'Goodness' and morals of the americans.

my mudder who was watching as well, didn't get why i was so pissed off. i started wondering whether i was over-reacting. tell me, is my pissy offed-ness valid?
and please, dont tell me its 'just' a tv show.
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love or the diluted semblance of it is an irksome thing?

i think it is for the simple reason that it leaves you vulnerable.
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i'm listening to bic runga, i lovelove her new album and of course, her voice.

her voice has this delicate beautiful quality that my description will never do justice to.

it's like the fragile crispness of an early morning when the sky is still a pale shade of lilac and the smell of the mist floating on the grass tips of an empty field hasnt been contaminated by the acrid exhaust fumes.
it's a bittersweet beauty. so pretty so pretty-

another rather short post

..its all i have time for recently.
today's my bio practical and how i dread it so. like i've said and complained before, its completely stupiak because if the bloody funicle or placenta isnt there in the friggin mushy tomato, you still draw it in.

and amazingly, i suck at this. i cannot draw scientific diagrams. my hand refuses to do so. after being nicely treated with excecuting portraits that are at least decent and such, it is horrified to be asked to draw something so emotionless and dead.
and mushy.

oh and here's another amazing thing: i remembered what a funicle and placenta is! whee me. i hope they dont make us draw a maize seed. or worse, a flower.

i cant draw in in dark defined lines Eville Bio/Bore Teacher!! i cant i cant *bawls and runs into a corner to um, bawl some more*.

do you KNOW what happens in my bio lessons? she hands out the RandomVegetation [oh gawd, i hope today's not grass or WORSE, ginger] and i try to draw it. it looks hideous and i end up erasing a lot. so, in the end we go through our bio worksheet with said Eville Teacher and she draws a nice scientific diagram and i copy it down.


*dances the i am incompetent dance*
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i was brushing my teeth this morning when i remembered what inspired my short rant on burning my bras and shaving my hair off.

i was having lunch with charmaine and matthew and i was 'discussing' with her what to cut my hair into. and you /know/ what he said? "no! dont cut your hair! it's not nearly long enough!"

*glares at the entire male population*

this from the guy who calls the way i wear my hair nowadays post-war Afghanistan and quickly revised it to 'some demi-god from Hell Boy'

i am much flattered.

WHY am i even friends with him?? all he does is insult me! ah wait- i know. because i like insulting him as well. *beams*
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my brother's in the living room playing with his trucks, legos and whatever boys play with. and he's making funny noises and talking to the said inanimate objects.

you know, i dont remember playing alot as a kid especially at his age [he's in P4]. ddn have much toys either i think and the ones that i did have lay in the Storeroom Under The Stairs [just like the one in harry potter =D] untouched because i couldnt be bothered to.

i think i read and stoned in front of the tv alot. maybe did a bit of cycling.

my mum said i ddn play with my toys much either when i was reaally young like when i was a toddler. according to her, i much preferred playing with her pots, banging and opening the lids etc.

hmm.

i only had ONE barbie which is quite unheard of.
and i didn't treat her nicely either.

wait- compared to what charmaine treated hers like, i was a saint.
her mother bought her a reallllly expensive, Limited Edition barbie and the girl promptly took a scissors and cut the hair off!
*beams*
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it didn't turn out to be a short post did it?

skoo-dee-doo-da!

oh no oh no. my history teacher told us that only two out of our entire class passed our papers.

now what are the chances that i am one of that two?

nil really. considering though my essay was actually considerably good, my source-base was BEYOND crap-dom.

oh gawd oh gawd i really am going to flunk my mid-years.
-blink blink-
what to do what to do??




or i could not care. i could just chiiiiill and go 'duuuude who gives a daaamn? its just the exaaams, let go and be looose'...snerk! yeah right.

as if i really wont give a damn if i end up in some old cheena jc or [perhaps] even worse, in a poly doing a course i have no interest in.
as if i really dont give a damn.

of course i do so what's wrong with me? laziness that's what. and it's even worse knowing it and being actually aware of it and stil not doing anything about it. augh augh augh -

me bad.
me bad bad bad.

me fail?
will fail fail fail.

im just confoooooooooooooooooooosed and i never know anything anymore ______________________________________________

i swear, one day i will cut my hair REAL short and bind my chest [not that there's much to bind *snort!*] just as an act of defiance to all the guys who like long haired, busty girls.

it's quite sickening really.



next thing you know, i'll be burning my bras and wearing sleevelesses without shaving.

now THT'S a big HAH.








and it's pretty ugly too. hmm.

teen angst ahead. you have been warned.

.
.
.
.
ah crap. i dont think i want to put this one online.

shall rant in my journal with my thick red marker writing in caps.

this is horrid. things were going so fine recently. despite the stress of exams etc, so many things happened that left me beaming and once or twice, euphoric. now it seems like i've used up all my Happy Days.



oh dear.
everything's going wrong.

jealousy has posssibly reared its ugly, green eyed head.




LOL.
i'm not sure why i find the whole situation funny but i do. and i know it's annoying when people are so ambiguously cryptic but ah well. be happy that this is a rather short annoying post *beams*

some sort of memory of memory loss

oh oh oh how terribly horridly unfair.

i had a LOT of things to blog on and have been wanting to do so for ages but haven't been able to do so cuz my mither de-moused my computer.

so now that it's back [after i caught her playing *gasp* inklink with a the computer mouseD] i've forgotten all that i wanted to say.

*sniffs*

ah wait - here's a vague recollection of one: another successful rejection of a dyed-blonde, pierced lip, beng of a charity ticket selleroh i gloat! i gloat!

"hello, excuse me, yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda-"
"do you get paid for this?"
"yes, by the hour yadd-"
"ah, well then. no thanks."

all calmy excecuted with an absolute straight face which we know is so so difficult when he's a beng, a head and a half taller than me and had shoved his face inches away from me. wait- since he was tall, that would be his pink puremilk tee and not his face. and he smelled of cigarettes. and in the awkward angle that my neck was in [like talking to a skyscraper] i couldn't help stare at his lip ring which i grudgingly admit, looked cool AND good.

and and get this.
my friends who were 'hiding' behind me so i would do all the talking said that when i walked away, he was absolutely all "-what the hell?"
oh i win! score one! i bet he's never been treated that way by a short secondary school kid. i bet he expected me to grudgingly hand over my $2 just because he was intimidating.
hah! double hah! this is for everyone out there who have been forced to buy the bloody tickets. [again, i shall make it known of my belief that charity should not be a capitalistic thingy - it should be voluntary and not by the lure of attractive commisions and such]

it really gives me such a cheap power rush. *shivers*

i have within me, a despot all too willing to break out and make everyone bow down before me in salute - eville laugh *beams*
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and hah, i'm tall enough to be *drumrolls* a Singapore Girl.

*smirk* well technically, i am already uh, a singapore girl but that is SO not the point.
though i really do not want to be one, it makes me all warm and fuzzy that yes, i qualify height-wise [and therefore, am proven normal] and here is the point: i've grown one cm.

*beams* i revel on my absolute pathetic-dom and slight obsession with my height.
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today was a crappy exam day due to sadistic scheduling.
the idiots put BOTH that paper 2s of my sciences and illogically, seperated the paper 1s.

WHY?

do they not realize that this means we have to cram in one and a half year's worth of work [and i last-minute study.yes, i know its wrong but yeah, well.] and that actually means *gasp* cramming THREE years worth of work into two days which honestly, is IMPOSSIBLE.

flunk i will.

strangely though, i appear very calm in tumultous times such as these.

i look like a nice docile cow grazing in a nice organic pasture but what i really feel is like i'm the cow about to be made into a greasy, patented mcD Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.



guess where i've been mugging and what i've been eating for the apst few days.

there's this boy who works at the mcD i go to and he really is amazing. he looks 14 and i call him my LEB ie. Little Efficient Boy. he's fast, actually moves with speed to fetch my stuff and is polite, perky and he calls me 'maam'! oh i adore him so.
note to self: must tell the manager [who co-incidentally, isn't as nice] to give him a raise. but geez, he really does look kiddy - suppose it constitutes as child labour?

i declare today Second Childhood and Skater-Poser Day

this is what happens when you have 4 girls with pent up post exam tension=INSANITY . . .

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
oh oh oh! you shud have followed us to JP!!! =D

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
what happened?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
it was the funnest! we ransacked toy r us!! we were reliving our second childhood! me nad gennie and ui

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
mwaha.

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
we pranced around shouting out the nursery rhymes! and and and, i grabbed a skateboard with nad and we were scooting along

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
skateboard? lol kiddie skateboard or real one?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
being all pseudo skater

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
real one lah! cheap0 but real enuff ~ what made it even funNER was how me and nad did the Sneaking Around routine accompanied by Nervous Twitches and Glances and Dashing Around Corners =D

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
toy r us got sell meh?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
gott...mwahahaha

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
then we were singing avril lavigne and yeu ai fell flat on her butt

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
wmahahhahahahhahahhahahha. she was playing with it?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
but they got bored cuz the 2 of us were more into it and could actually scoot around without um, wobbling too much so they went to play with the ponies on the sticks that you ride on and yeu ai put on those kiddie pink HELLO KITTY backpacks

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
oh yeah

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
poo-ey. dang. i wished i was there.

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
after awhile, one of the staff approached us and we reluctantly gave them back the boards, grinned and dashed off *beams*

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
ooh and then we went to the weaponry area with all the fake swords and bows etc and we were all "aye! hand me thy gold you scurvy faggot! *poke poke*" and nadya went "behold! i am aragorn!"

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
tee-hee.

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
and then I went "ur NOT aragorn. ur gimli the dwaf nadya" and she started stomping in a really dwarfish way which was even more hilarious. and we all got knighted with the gold tacky plastic sword and i was brandishing my sword of salazar slytherin and quoting draco veritas then me and nadya got hold of the bow and arrow and i was "look at me! i'm blonde, pretty and vaine! i'm legolas!"

it was MUCHOS MUCHOS MUCHOS funnnnnnn!! gawd, i must must must do this with my fellow madCAPpers soon! do ye hear me fellow comrades???i was raving on and on about it after i left and i got tired of repeating so hence, the above excerpt *beams* it was funner there though. skating among the narrow aisles of Barbie's Pink aura and random plastic imitations of lethal weapons. damn, i wish we had a digi cam with us. or even BETTER, a camcorder.

#EDIT: re-reading it now, it sounds relatively tame but really, it was thrice as loud and mad with loads of dashing around *happyhappyhappy*

i didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away

for some reason [ie. impulsive-osity], i bought robbie william's first album. the title above is a line from one of his songs.
.
.
.
it's so much better than his future crap like Rock DJ.
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i realize that this year, i've been having alot of..unwanted epiphanies. i suppose everyone grows through them - wish i could do without them.

i think, it is better and healthier for me to admit that i've been growing apart with my best friend and i know it's probably, a lot my fault. hence, my resentment towards it isnt fair at all is it?

and i should probably do something about it. but i don't know what to do.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i never know anything anymore.
there's alot more stuff simmering but yeah, well.

don't you just hate days when you think thinngs are all going to turn out fine so you're happyhappy but things don't turn out that way and so you try to pretend that it's still hapyhappy but it's not so you fail horribly and that would make the second failure of the day?

woah. that's a long sentence.

must not be self-indulgent and wallow more in self-pity than i already am in.

yeeaaaaaaargh!

i wanted to blog on the complete fun-osity that i had with my friends on Saturday night yesterday but the Emotion of Euphoria that it caused has since dissipated.

*weeps in a corner*

it's back to reality. i woke up on sunday morning not sure whether the last night actually happened. this happens a lot to me actually - sometimes, esp when i'm still groggy from sleep, i can confuse what actually had happened and what i actually dreamed because my dreams are really [and at times, uncomfortbly] to close to reality.

it was such a Bimbo Night! complete self-indulgence. everybody looked so gorgey. it was so giddy.

*sighs*
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the reason why i didn't apply fpr councillorship was cuz i couldn't think of a credible reason WHY i wanted to be one. and now i'm facing the same question again because my mum isnt exactly enthusiastic about me helping out for CAP04 as alumni. bleh.
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stress often leads me to being in denial.

absolute proof would be teachers/parents/Authoritarian Figures asking me how i'm doing in [fill in here] and i will beam and nod enthusiastically nod saying "fine, fine! i've got it all planned out and under control. i know what i'm doing, don't you worry." when actually, i really have no clue and am screaming because of whatever angsty burned that's piling on me.

the bad thing is, i'm actually quite convincing at it. i'll pull of the whole facade only for it to crack when it's conveniently, too late. then you'll see me all stoned and glazed-eyed.

meltdown.

it's really quite a self-destructive path.
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sometimes i think i talk too much.

do i?
i suppose it can really be an annoying habit.

i notice that all the girls who are successfully attached are the sweet and quiet ones. yadda yadda yadda, what does this prove?

but i don't think i can ever bear shutting up. what really is the point?
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i still cannot stand Tata Young and i find it appalling as well that people msg during American Idol saying how John Stevens is boring and he makes them sleep. again, this proves that a good portion of teenagers here have NO taste in music since they prefer *gags* tata young and the maunfactured predictability of taiwanese boybands.

it is absolutely shameful.

tata young! really!
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words of the day: dwall. south african origin, it means daze
vacuity lack of intelligence

annoyed.

i have much much to blog but can't because i've been summoned to my room to Straighten Things Up.

why is this annoying other than for obvious reasons?

because it was my MOTHER who messed it up. no, she did not just experience a second childhood and trashed my room. she, all wel-meaning, shifted my desk to allow it to escape the pee of my incontinent air-con in the sooner or later event that it decides to drown my notes and books.
this is all very nice of her except for the fact that my room looks smaller than ever and its MESSY. my stuff is everywhere! and who's fault is it? well, for the sake of being a Good Daughter, i'll blame the air-con. it has recently been neater than usual but has now settled back into it usual decor style of Eclectic Clutter. pfft!

it is Fate. my room can never be truly neat. it is against the rules of nature.

word of the day: flibbertigibbet - a flightly and gossipy female.

an unexpectedly fun day.

first a note: reading my posts, i realize i have horrid grammar. tsk tsk. i type to fast for the grammar sectionof my brain to catch up. so i plead with you 0 Readers, thou shalt not judge me by my grammatical errors.

merf, it's half as fun blogging about Sport's Day after already talking bout it on madCAP. oh well, in typical self-indulgent fashion, i will elaborate. it was quite embarassing at first because i'm not bery loud so people turned their heads to hear me but all they saw was my mouth moving and no sound. and they weren't very enthusiastic about it either.
but things got better - my friend saw my efforts and pitched in and finally took over when i gave up after awhile. he was really good. and louder lol.
i suppose what really motivated us into cheering was how some "miracles" happened. like doing the relay when we were trailing at the back when he passed the baton and the next guy just SHOT OFF. like, zoooooom into the first place. we ended up second though.
another motivation: heheh, a "certain male someone" was running. what?? i cannot deny that i am a hormonally-charged adolescent! and besides, i KNOW what's underneath that shirt *beams*
oh welly well.
it was exhilarating hearing the crowd shouting and screaming and standing and bouncing because you asked them to. like, woah.
i am such an exhibitionistic attention-seeker but at moments like this, i don't care!
we screamed til our throats were hoarse and when we tried to do our effectively loud, patented Girl Shriek, all that came out was this whispery thing that sounded like a person who sucked in helium was being strangled.
it was fantastic.
sweaty and sticky but amazing nonetheless knowing that our efforts contributed to the winning of the tacky "gold"-gilded plastic junkpiece.

i feel all warm and fuzzy.

and the mood carried on till later. we hopped into mr.cheong's car cuz he was feerying us to the school cuz we wanted to spend the afternoon in the art room. it was so FUN driving past the other students gawking at us, wahahahaha. it was so funny, some chased after us and did the typical "wah lao, unfair sia!" act. not that we tried to keep a low-profile *eville grin* it's so fun 'innocently' mocking others.

heh, and the skule was nice and empty other than the band. so that meant the carpark roads were empty as well. *beams* the three of us ran down the road screaming our heads off and waving our arms in the air ala mass hysteria. i've always wanted to do that. one day, SOON i hope, i'm gonna find fellow compatriots and do that at orchard. any takers? =D

we blasted music in the art room and happily, they were playing good music in the art room. it was such a party mood - the bunch of us jumping and dancing pif you can call it that] and leaping and twirling around when the band started playing while weilding charcoal sticks/brushes/pencils

happy happy happy.

i wish i had more days like this.

and mr.cheong stepped on a mouse. or kicked. we don't know, we couldn't tell. one moment it was doing mousey stuff in this corner and the next, it was lying side-ways dead. he was quite horrified. i prodded it with a stick..it was quite flat. so definitely some physical injury.

and it was quite cute too.

rest in peace 0 random unknown mouse.

whoop-dee-doo.

i'm currently reading this chunk of a book on philosophy. i'm not quite sure why i picked it up but i suppose i was bored with reading fiction and i haven't been able to find any good suspense/crime authors recently SO.
anyway, it's called Confessions of a Philosopher. i thought it would be a good start in case i do get seriously interested in philosophy since it covers general concepts of philosophy itself, the philosophers who helped the author form his ideas and own concept etc.
i found it a rather challenging but satisying read. i would read the first few pages of each chapter, so absolutely absorbed and at times, in awe and then halfway through the chapter, the words in Times New Roman would start blurring and my brain would stop receiving the ideas that's being conveyed.

really.

after awhile, my brain just STOPS receiving. usually at this point, i fall asleep. i suppose for me, when i'm reading something as deep as philosophy, i cannot consume the entire hunk of information at one go. i'm better off reading small chunks and putting it away to digest the ideas and come up with my own opinions etc.
which was probably why i was rather quiet during our "intelligent conversation" at starbuck with the CAPpers. i was busy listening and combing through what bern was saying and hence, mind could not come up with own opinions because it was too busy dissecting what SHE was saying lol. which was also why, it was only hours after i analysed the whole thingy that i came up with my own opinions. which is also why, i can never be a debater.
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i had a nice laugh with my friends after school today.

haven't had one in a long time really. laughing at comical instances that would otherwise on other occasions, make no sense at all let alone, be funny.

so fast-forward moments of laughter and not-so-great food. we were going out of the "restaurant" when this guy went up to my friend and asked her for her number.

i was quite surprised at this because i've always considered the other two faaar prettier than she is. not in a bitchy way, but from an objective perspective. it's not that SHE'S ugly, it's just that..she looks like a typical pretty, slightly lian-ish chinese girl. as compared to my other friends, who were in my opinion gorgeous because their unique prettiness.
i suppose the two guys never realized how pretty my other friends were because their looks are the kind that grows on you and when you look again, you realize - woah.
so is that what guys want? the /normal/ ones? i think they do.
huh. and don't for a second think i'm "jealous" at the lack of attention. i hardly ever get asked for my number by guys because a] i'm malay and b] i don't behave like one. so i kinda am lost in-between. i got over it a long time ago.

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*merf. i just saw my friend's MSN nick. their preparing for their band com this saturday and it said how sometimes, she sees their Sir staring quietly at the empty field. and she says it as if it's a profound thing. erm, hello? he's just contemplating OMG, WILL OUR BAND FINALLY ACHIEVE BEST BAND AFTER DECADES OF DEFEAT? *sighs*

SPAM AHEAD: more during Lit class.

oh gawd, the air-con isn't working properly. soon, it's going to be rather stuffy in here. but on the other and better hand, we've got new computers! hah, say GOODBYE jammed mouses and slow processors. hello....weird keyboard that i find hard to type with. meh.

http://www.funtrivia.com/dir/3733.html [the website i'm supposed to be at instead of blogging. oh well]
more websites: www.learn.co.uk
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0903237.html
www.twelfthnightsite.co.uk
http://homepage.ntlword.com/bradsweb/12night.htm

"the heaven rains odours upon you." or something like that.

i have a feeling that this is going to be another rambling entry with no point whatsoever. i hereby would like to to apolagize for spamming.
blogging is really a rather self-indulgent activity isn't it? especially now that a few people actually do read the entries compared to my old blog that had no audience at all.

oh oh oh, we had english lesson earlier on and were doing this composition time practice. at first i was quite unhappy that we /had/ to do a descriptive cuz it's not very fun for me most of the time but than i started getting into it and it got really really fun. well, it was for me, i managed to write 3 pages without leaving lines which is quite a feat for me considering recently slow pace when doing work.
you know why i enjoyed it so much? it reminded me strongly of the writing workshop with Meira Chand[?] during CAP. i loved that workshop. although we didn't really learn much, it was fantastic because of the energy that was in the air as the bunch of us furiously wrote and passed the prose pieces around only to gasp at how the story had evolved in the hands [or pen really] of others. *sighs* i miss CAP. it was amazing. the synergy. something like that.

although i was rather annoyed by the people who kept interrupting me with their questions and "iz, lemme your dictionary!". augh!

you keep a dictionary in school?, you ask. yes i do. it is my source of entertainment during boring english lessons. it is muchos fun flipping it to a random page and randomly pointing to an obscure word.
they should sell it at Toys R' Us. repackage it in bright plastic and glitter.

doesnt sound fun? well, that's how boring english lessons are.

i realize that i'm hardly being decently eloquent and that this happens usually after school. SO WHAT DOES THIS PROVE? that school brainwashes me.

the big Carrot.

my dad's just offered me something in return of 4 A1s and a >10-pointer.

*hyperventilates*

merf, i would be able to get not one, but TWO ipods.

*HYPERVENTILATES*

meh. i don't really think i can really, considering it now after the haze of eupohoria. geez. i was JUST writing the timeline for Russia till Lenin's death and i realized how much work i have cut out for me. pharque.
i mentally browsed through the chapters we've covered for history and found it mind-boggling. and /then/ i realized i had missed out on the Cold War and post-WW2! and, not considering the fact that we havent covered that mikhail guy and only are halfway-through post-Mao.

AUGH.

are you sure we've got to do both sec3+sec4 work for the mid-years??? i will die.

i was also writing out a study plan of some sort for individual subjects and the phases so to speak. and you know what? i ended up writing alot of "memorize!".
again, i have to remind myself that my four years here is not [cliche moment people!] a journey of learning to prepare myself for the challanges that i will face in life but of course, a process of memorization to prepare for the big moment of Regurgitation.

*sighs*

what was i thinking? i can't possibly get a 10-pointer! i don't think my brain can store that much information only to be retrieved within a short span of time and phrase it eloquently in an essay.

meh.

i'm sorry that i appear to be rambling? appear - wait, i AM rambling. i'm tired and not for a very good reason either. i am tired because no, i was not studying until my brains bled. hah, i even skipped my math time practice today to go *drumroll* shopping. if it helps, i wasn't the one shopping. i was merely the advisor and succeeded in finding for my friend the perfect skirt for her outfit for this saturday's school concert/performance thingy. oh yeah, she shoots! she SCORES!
no, it doesn't help does it?

i think i shall go away and find a hole to crawl in until the O's are over. i will then blame my months-long absence over my lack of a sense of direction. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. SUDDENLY, I WAS IN A HOLE AND I COULD NOT FIND MY WAY OUT.

ah, farewell.

a short note.

ah. religion.

i think i didn't mention that tomorrow's Event happens to be kinda a religious one which is perhaps, a good deal why i am not very enthusiastic about.

i am..in much confooosion about my religion. i truly and will always believe in God and the prophet so i don't think i need to question the strenght of my faith. wait - actually, i think i need to. i think i've been needing to for a long time but always avoided doing so because well, i'm afraid of the answer that i might come up with.

i'm afraid that by questioning myself to much, i might come to a conclusion that i don't /want/ to have.

you see, being a muslim, i was BORN into the religion. i didn't choose to be [sudd. realized my mudder wud muchos be not happy is she sees this post], it was integrated into my life without much protest. it was expected of me to go along with it and yes, i DO believe in the concept of islam. it's just that...there are times i question and beg to differ with a lot of other stuff that is part of my religious classes and this is bad because the environment i'm in frowns upon disagreement. to disagree would be coming close to rejecting islam and hence, god.
but that's not what i'm doing or want to do.

one strong point i've always disagreed about is studying the hadith which is the Prophet's sayings. he himself in his life, has always reminded everyone else that he is a mere human and should not be glorified and yet, now we're memorizing his quotes? geez. AND how..credible can this quotes be? it could esily be hear-say couldn't it? and clerics make rules according to what they infer from these quotes. isn't it oh-so-possible that their inferences could be well, wrong? and that anyway, the quotes were made EONS ago and would it still be relevent today?

and the tudung. weekly on sunday, i put it on to go to my classes. but i've never felt good about putting it on. no, it's not about the "isn't it stuffy and uncomfortable?". it's the concept. i don't believe/agree right now with the idea of wearing one although the philosophy for wearing one i think is sensible and quite noble. the main point is, I don't want to wear one and yet, i put it on. first of all, i feel like a hypocrite and second, i feel like i'm making a mockery of the whole thing because while i'm wearing it, all i think about is "why am i doing this? i don't want to.".

the whole idea of 'forcing' religion upon someone...really puts me off. it sickens me to know that in religious classes and church, there are people who are there although they don't want to and that they are rejecting every second of godliness for the simplae fact that it was forced on them.

religion shouldn't be like that.

it should be something and somewhere you choose to be. that is what it's all about isn't it? finding salvation after searching. not having a religion because you're supposed to.

like i've said before, these days, i'm never sure about anything anymore.

my hands smell of garlic. yeech.

meh. in about two hours or so, my fudder dearest will be unplugging the computer and shoving it in some corner for tomorrow's Event. *sighs*
he's the one organizing and being all enthusiastic about tomorrow. i think to him, it's some nice project. i don't think he gets that the rest of us could /really/ do without it.
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another topic that came up yesterday while we were talking was normalcy.

do you consider yourself normal? i suppose before answering that, we'll have to define what you consider normal. to me, normal is whatever the majority is, so if your the minority, you're NOT normal. does that make sense?
but then, bern also said that everybody is different and since everybody is different, then it would be normal to be different. and that too, makes sense.

so even within the majority, people are still different and hence, not normal. huh. but if their different, then what is it that binds them into becoming prt of the majority?

ah. conforming i suppose. by stifling and toning down your own personal eccentricities, one becomes more or less, similar to one another and therefor, normal.

but i don't want to be normal. unfortunately, i think i am.

philosophy. bah, humbug.
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i've realized after much observation that those who usually have a good [read; higher than average] self-esteem fall deeper when they do get depressed. it's that and/or their confidence was simply a facade.
compared to those who don't really hold themselves in high esteem, they fall less when they do get depressed. their emotional plunge is less steep.

hmm.

so..what problems do you have?

this question popped up while we were just sitting at starbucks with my CAP friends. and it unexpectedly left me [and i think most of us] quite stumped.

i thought of a few and it all sounded so trivial that i wisely decided to keep them to myself. you know, typical teenage angst.

i suppose this is a good way to un-depress myself when the need arises. i shall ask myself, "so iz..what are your problems?". i will then talk to myself and i will realize that i am being petty and should be a better person and remember how much more people are suffering out there and then i shall feel guilty for being so self-centered etc and will then, hate myself.

hmm. so scrap that idea.

problems..problems. i think i'm better at listing out my flaws.

-my perfectionistic trait.
this is usually a good thing in most people but it's rather destructive for me. why? because a LOT of times, i am simply lazy and yet, i still get kinda upset when i flunk etc.
and also because i am a perfectionist at times, i can get pretty bossy when doing projects and friends usually avoid me because of this. so recently, i've avoided being the "leader" and let my friends take the steering wheel which i realize now, is quite torturous. i do NOT like being the one being delegated tasks. i do NOT like having to go along with an idea i dont particularly like since not being leader, i am less able to convince people to see my point of view. i like to delegate, to come up with the general concept and to see how with everybody's work, it gets refined into the end product. i much prefer co-ordinating and seeing how from nothing, it becomes SOMETHING because of our hard work.
AND. being a perfectionist means i find it hard to be criticized, pointing out the imperfections of my work. i KNOW it's imperfect and i'm unhappy that it is so and for others to point it out as well, makes me feel even worse. even though i know it's important and oh-so-constructive and yadda yadda yadda. i force myself to be put in a position to be criticized because well, it improves your work but trust me, i hate hearing every single syllable of it. but i need it SO.

-obsessive.
this nicely co-incides with the above. not healthy, a complete waste of time and sometimes because of my dwelling habits, i fall into the deep end so to speak.

-anti-social.
at school, a lot of people have the misconception that im snobby because of this. they see me being crazy and friendly with my best buds but totally ignoring others. it's not that i don't like them, but i dont find the experience ugh, i don't know how to explain. i'm just not the kind to strike a conversation out of nowhere even if i've been in your lit class for 2 years. i just can't make myself do it, i find it awkward.



are these considered problems?

i suppose i'm quite happy at school. i'm taking all the subjects i like and not taking the ones i can /never/ take without losing my sanity[geog/amath/physics]. i have all the friends i need. i'm not popular and not high up on the social ladder but im pretty sure im not a wallflower. my grades are not scraping the bottom of the barrel and though their not great, i know it's cuz i dont work hard enough. nobody has a particular hatred for me. i've learnt how to ignore all those bitchy cliques and just get along with life.

home life is pretty fine too. sure, the common friction with the Parental Authorities but nothing to kill myself over. my parents don't hate me and they certainly care about me *phew*. and my mudder is pretty tolerant of my crazy antics *PHEW*. she understands why i get into trouble at school and is pretty sympatathic as well.

geez, it sounds almost perfect doesnt it? i know people who are going through heavy stuff like ostracization [cant spell. sorry], bullying, and Wallflower-itis at school and even worse stuff at home like abuse, neglect or just complete arseholic parents. i feel guilty.

for being fine and all. and yet, still i get depressed.
*slaps herself*
LIKE GEEZ, I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. gawd, i am such a loser. i should get a grip and stop being so self-indulgent and immature.
oh gawd.
please, the next time i go into my Dark Corner, please grab me by the collar and give me a tight slap. i might just kill you as a result though. just a warning.
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aprilmadCAPouting.

i think generally, we were muchos annoyed by the fact that we didn't get to watch the movie we wanted, let alone sneak into The Passion. like, bummer.
so we watched Twisted. a movie i didn't even KNOW was showing. geez. it was pretty good i think but the start of it was horrid. it was all disjointed and didnt make much sense. and it didn't help that we missed the first 10 minutes or so. and i got "please shut up!"ed at. oops. but i/we just had a LOT to say. i'm sorry Singapore Audience, but there's always a commentary going on in my head and when with company, i automatically share this commentary. i know it's an annoying trait but oh well. i'm just not a very quiet person.

merf.

um um what happened next? ah yes, we went kino. matthew was mean to me. AND just as i decided that i shall be a Nice Person to him because my best friend says he's a Nice Person so i should not be sarcastic and tease him anymore since he is my Friend. after today, i henceforth shall revert to my old self and mercilessly taunt him because hah, he does the same thing to me. it's a strange friendship.
and i felt thoroughly lost at kino, specifically when we were wandering at the poetry section. it really just hammered in how un-cultured i am. gawd. i recognized the poets but urgh.

yadda yadda yadda, we went to starbucks. yum mocha frapp. felt really bad when i had to leave. i honestly had to tear myself away from the conversation. how very the annoying.
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grk. i have to go and sleep early. because my parents want me to. my mudder just told me to "go to bed early". augh augh augh. must NOT think about it. ai-yeeeeeeee!!
i wonder if you guys know what i'm so horrified about

You’re a good girl, ‘though I stink of fat
I need this, I need him, I need her,
I need everybody.

Why?

But you’re my best friend, you slide beneath my shadow
Skin you’re my good friend, the only one I would ever truly leave

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine right
As all of us depend on love from those above
That comfort, the comfort of strangers

Listen
I love you
Way too much Way too much
Way too much
I can wallow in your reckless recklessness
slave to all things useful to you

You are a dream to me I can’t recall your name
your face
your smell
your taste
your mouth

I was kinder then, but not now.

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine right
As all of us depend on love from those above
That’s comfort, the comfort of strangers

I say, I don’t want to hurt you, but really I do
I want to caress you like no girl before then leave you cold
Hey you listen
I said that I loved you and really I meant it, too
I tried to keep some semblance of feeling,
trapped beneath this dizzy work of art

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine bright
As all of us depend on love from those above
That comfort, the comfort of strangers

You are a dream to me
You You You are
I don’t want to hurt you
No I don’t want to hurt you
But I don’t want to hurt you
I said I love you
I… I need the comfort of strangers

comfort of strangers; skin.



i love this song. it's got this jazzy edge to it and it sounds so goood. i've been looking for the lyrics for /ages/ and now, FINALLY. knowing the lyrics, i love it even more.
go try download it! meh, my kazaa is spoiled because my ad-removal software did something diddly to it and i'm too lazy to re-install it.

time for me to be shamelessly blatant

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

there you go. i am satiated. all day long, i've been smiling and beaming thanks at the birthday wishes when all i wanted to do was scream out that AIEEE, I'm SIXTEEN! except of course, nobody likes a little birthday bragger so hah!

siim ynn and heng pei, thank you very much for my first ever miniature Inflatable Toy Boy. i LOVE it - and so does my p6 sister. is that disturbing?
no, i do not mind that it is only 20''. unless of course you're implying that i am short and hence, the doll's height would suffice. but you two are very nice people and i'm pretty sure you don't.

thank you aini for the Meiji birthday bear thing. you have provided proof that Emily was made for me since co-incidentally my birthday bear is entirely in red and black ala emily. i can now tell all the other poseurs to bugger off, the arseholes that they are. =D

thank you gennie for your NEW n0 sugar-added chupa-chup. i know you wanted it for yourself but graciously sacrificed it to me. i am deeply touched.

thank you all for the pledges of belated presents. i shall graciously wait in silence and will graciously forget if you conveniently forget as well.
thank you for the numerous butt pinches and wet smacks you gave me - i know you all take great joy in seeing my ears turn pink. *rolls eyes* oh the torment i go through just for your sake, tsk.

thank you CHARMAINE, my bestest best friend, my Lesbian Lover. my birthday wouldnt be the same without you. i am Timon, you are Pumbaa. i am SpongeBob and you, are Patrick Star.

*sniffles* i love you all.

and of couse, i thank myself and the present i got myself. dammit iz, that is one NICE bag you bought! lol. kidding~
well, it is though!
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is there something wrong with my tagboard? i have a feeling there's something off with the coding cuz it's not loading properly.

i hate twiddling with my lay-outs to get rid of this glitches.

honestly, i've never EVER had any problem like shifted pictures or weird tables with my red Emily lay-out. tsk tsk, what /does/ this prove?
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warning: the next passage will be rather cryptic and the subject it's aimed at doesn't even read my blog but oh well. i apologize in advance if it happens to befuddle and annoy the hell out of you.

i think at times, that given the right oppurtunity - i might be able to do it. right now, it feels as if i am already half-way there. but i've never allowed myself to do so before and perhaps, because i never found anyone to feel that way about before.
but now i have. and yet, still.
this is restraint at my very best. it's probably the only aspect in my life that this trait comes into place and ironically here, it does more harm than good. i hold myself back because i am not sure. as usual. i am afraid, worried. a million thoughts cross my mind, fleeting ones and others that play on loop.
i would rather you not know this side of me.
wouldn't you like to know my greatest fear?
people say i could be wrong, that my fears have no basis and that you are what i want you to be and how you feel. i suppose logically, theoretically, they could be right.
but you see, i know better - i know how my life goes and you being how i want you to be just does not follow the flow of how events play out in my life.
my life is hardly one of fairytale happy endings. i hardly ever get what i want which is, in this case, you.
now did i just say that? please ignore it's significance. it is not the most important thing that i have to say.
mine is one of unrequited adoration and the receiving of affection from those i sadly cannot find within myself reciprocation. misfired arrows from a drunken cupid.
this is not to say i live a life of misery, i am happy merely talking to you i suppose. it's just that, i never get happy endings and i'm not expecting any. from this situation, or anything else life throws at me.

so yeah, convoluted, this is how i feel.

not that you asked or want to know [you don't even know], but here it is. right here on the world wide web for everyone to see and yet ironically, i know you won't. which is why it is here really.

just a bit of blabbering.

new layout. i still like my red emily one but i like this one for it's zen-ness? whatever. i'm in a state of complete blurness. i just woke up from a nap and let's just say my neurons aren't exactly at it's sharpest point right now. i have to go "research" for my CME project; Marriage and Parenthood.

what a complete bummer. i suppose i'm kinda disappointed with what we're doing [it's a team thingy] because i had this idea to do something more..radical but because it's now a last minute thingy, we're doing the oh so typical and boring powerpoint presentation. merph. *sighs* but oh well, i shall do my part as a team member - augh.
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today was the 5 item NAPFA. if any of you remember [which i really doubt], i have been for the past few weeks been praying for some sort of minor injury to get excused from it. well, i got my wish!
yesterday, i fell into a longkang.

yes, a longkang. the knee-high ones that line HDB estates for drainage etc. it was raining REALLY hard and i was at the carpark picking up my aunty with an umbrella. i tried to avoid the puddle of water on this patch of grass, mis-stepped and plonked my leg right into the longkang. *ouch*
and NOW i have to re-take it on wednesday. i'm glad it's not 2ml though, i'm not comfortable with some people in the classes taking it 2ml.
so today, i was the class's personal cheerleader - rah! rah! it was quite fun actually.

i'm not looking forward to wednesday.
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i'm getting /somewhere/ on my art!

yay.

i've finished 2 prelim study boards which leave me...a whopping 6 more to do. and my final piece isn't even halfway done. diediedie

and my exams start in 2 weeks. really, i've got all the pieces placed in perfect co-ordination for a nervy breakdown.
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ooh, i managed to catch Fight Club yesterday.

augh i LOVED it! other than the complete Sex Godliness of brad pitt all bruised up, the plot the directing the cinematography was a-mazing!

the mantras and philosophies - so morbidly zen.
"you are not a pretty snowflake." it sounded so familiar and i realized that it was a quote from draco sinister [cassandra claire] except draco went "i AM a pretty snowflake!"

the movie was beautiful. my mother was abit disturbed abt how i was raving and raving about it. i told to her finally accept the fact that her daughter is in fact, morbid and revels in the weird and strange.
she just shook her head. i get the feeling she can't wait to see me out of my adolescent phase and into the Sensible Adult stage.

i wished i had managed to catch the flick earlier but it must have been rated NC or something. ergh, that means the one i watched yesterday was heavily cut up by the censors *sighs*

oh and i found it hilarious by the fact that the character Marla, this goth-chick, was played by the same actress who plays Lady Olivia in the movie Twelfth Night i watched in school! she is so friggin' talented! [duh]
all through her scenes, i kept on flashback-ing of her in corsetted dresses and tumbling curls instead of the frizzed punk 'do she was wearing in Fight Club. and there was this one part when the lead guy was walking away from her just like the way Cesario/Viola walked away from Olivia, i was almost expecting her to suddenly go Wait! Tell me what dost thou think of me? in her desperate "OMG, i worship the ground you walk on! i want to have your kids!" way.

just wow.

i HAVE to get my hands on the book.

Singapore Chinese Girls' school


which secondary school (singapore) should you be in?
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16

i strangely find it a scary age. it's not another "nothing"/"nobody" age like 14 or 11. it's a definitive number and a huge part of me doesnt want to turn definitive. i like being 15.

i like roaming aimlessly around.

it's like when ppl do the lecture thing and ask you "how can you behave like this? don't you know how old you are?", answering that you're only 15 makes sense because well hey, you're still childish and it's ok.
but if you answer 16, what you get instead is rolled eyes and a general consensus that you should grow up and stop the immaturity. because you are a proper teenager and part of being one is actively trying to grow up and away from one.

at least, that's the message i've been getting.

it's the age when actual responsibility is handled. life-changing events are happening here. honestly i think its NUTS. why the hell are they giving us serious things to think about and to actually DECIDE on like whether you want to pass your 'O' [hah! yeah right.], jc/poly/overseas which of course means you have to decide NOW what you're planning to do 10 years from now.

what are you people THINKING?? do you actually believe i'm in a state to contemplate life-changing issues now?

hello?

right now, i'm concerned over petty little stuff and THAT alone i'm capable of obsessing about. i'm a hormonally unstable, psychologically teetering adolescent who's not even sure she doing the right thing TODAY and you want me to make decisions that will affect my life 10 years from now?

the thing is, i don't want to make mistakes. i don't want to turn towards a fork in the road and realize much much later that frock, i did the wrong thing and i can't turn back and i'll have to go through whatever crappy thing that comes my way.

AND ALSO of course, i don't want to grow up.

duh.

i don't want to give up my excuse of Immaturity.
and in about 4 days or so, i think i'll have to start Growing Up.


urgh, bummer.

when my alimentary canal decides to rebel.

i think i would have been better off born without the above-mentioned canal. no other part of my physical self [ok - except maybe my mouth] has caused me more trouble and trauma.

i hate gastric flu. it started halfway through school on tuesday but ddn give it much thought then because i thought it was just the stuffy hall that we were having the equally stuffy Councillor's Investiture in. i felt like crap but still i persisted in carrying out my day as planned instead of crawling back home to seek refuge because i had promised today would be my date with charmaine since we've hardly been able to spend time with each other *sniffles*. so we went for lunch [hah, with the abrupt addition of a certain somebody lol] and wandered around. oh, i went to one of the pillars and smushed my head against it in an effort to relieve my headache. it worked - for like 5 seconds. was it worth the stares of the shopkeeper? i think it was.

so i finally went home. and *drumroll* it started raining. my dearest mudder ordered me to take a shower which after much whining about how cold the water would be, i did.

was the water cold? let's see, i wasnt only shivering, my teeth weren't only chattering - i was hyperventilating. *glares at mother*

she refused to believe i was sick even though i came home withering like a wiliting [ie. decomposing] flower. she only came to the coclusion that OMG, he daughter WAS sick 3 hours later, several incresed degrees and frequent trips to the loo. AUGH.

but what-ever. i am still here at home. i've got 3 toilets here, all fully equipped with lots of tissue, hoses and reading material. it's everything that i would not be able to get at school.

i take comfort in the little things like watching the Oprah Show [surprisingly, i really like it!], Spongebob and several travel documentaries [2 of which were features on Japan] while my peers are toiling away in the boredom of english and biology lessons. like, whoo!
in the comfort of my home, i can look ugly and sloppy in my old clothes whereas at school, i'd still have to make sure my shirt was tucked in and all that sort of palaver.

so other than the painful cramps and the horrid bouts of nausea, it's all quite fun.

yeah, right.
but today's April's Fool. ergh, what a terrible waste. bummerbummerbummer.

as my mother would say - skoodee-dooda!


*on a brighter note, because of all the purging that's been done, my tummy is considerably flatter.
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i'm still not sure what i've just gotten myself into be joining rmun. like, what was i thinking?? what if i screw up in front of not only other schools, but BIG schools.

right. i wasn't thinking.

breathe iz. breaaathe



*runs off in hysteria, conveniently in the direction of IMH*

oh gawd oh gawd, what was i thinking?? their all like, DEBATERS and I can't remember the last time i made a speech to a group of ppl other than my class. and it's so political - i feel absolutely clueless.
the only way i see for me to make through this is to bluff my way through and pretend i know what's going on.

yes. i'll just pretend! wahahahahaha. one thing i learned today on mtv. in hip-hop lingo, bootsie means phony. so i'll just be a bootsie and somehow, hope i wont mortally humiliate myself.

i hate these "i feel ugly/stupid" days.

i suppose it's due to my riding the crimson tide. it's really horrid this month. the cramps are really killer and they don't really fade away. at it's best, they linger in a really annoying way. hah, it rhymes!

ergh, and i really hate my mood swings. i know it's completely unfair for those around me to endure them. one moment i'm hyperactive and all yibber-yabber and the next, i become this sullen, snarly person.
actually, this happens a lot already on normal days but it really becomes worse when i'm hormonally unstable as well.
it's quite funny how i can suddenly go all Hyde. what happens is a certain rather neutral thought catches a snag on my brain and i dwell on it and the more i do, the more negative it warps.

i am muchos pathetic, no?

and the thing is in my dark periods, i consciously KNOW that i have no right to behave so childishly and that i should probably kick myself in the arse. i KNOW that all i am is being immature and petty and then i can't stand myself.

so what's today's point of depression? see title.

well, yeah! i know it' so typical teen angst and its eye-roll inducing because it's not like im DUMB and/or butt-ugly. how is it possible then that i so sincerely feel so?

it's ruined.

i googled Rodrigo Santoro aka Karl and my life is now over.

i've seen to many photos of him NOT being karl.

all i see are photos of him looking sex godly in a hulking testosterone model kind of way.
him as a surfer.
him as a model.
him on the red carpet beaming as the cameras flash.
him being everything but karl.

i want Karl.

i just don't think i can think of him as Karl anymore. From now on, he'll just be another good-looking macho model.

oh the tragedy of it all!

i need to get the vcd. other than the fact that i really do love the movie, it shall remind me of my Ideal, Perfect and Impossible Man.

Love, Actually. [again]

i rented the vcd yesterday because my mudder's been wanting to watch it for eons but hasn't been able to catch it. she adores Hugh Grant. [and co-incidentally, doesn't like Colin Firth because he was the Good Guy and made Hugh look like a complete arse in Bridget Jones].

so ANYWAYS, watching it for the second time round really brought me back to memories of Our Day At Bugis With the Big Fountain.

*sighs*

like you know at the point when Kiera Knightley finds out her husband's best friend is in love with her and he walks out of his house and Dido starts playing? i could actually hear andrea singing along like she did that day.
and when Karl and that girl was about to get it on, it flashed to me how bern popped her head over to where i was sitting and said "pass me a bucket to drool in!" and how haz and vince were all looking ratherdejected at how we were swooning.
and of course the cooing out of certain people when Alan Rickman and Colin Firth came on screen.

*sighs* happier days.

times like these, i'm really glad for my photographic memory. i really..[i dont think there's a replacement for this sappy and puke-inducing word] treasure the snippets of happy days and good times that i've managed to capture.

like the time we were at the Youth Park playing Dare-Dare and that guy mooned us. i was recounting the experience to my friends and i realized i didn't remember how he left us because we were laughing too hard.
*sniffles*
_________________
back to the topic:

i managed to catch nuances of the movie that i missed the first time round because i was just having too much fun laughing and just being happy.
i noticed the contrast of atmospheres when scenes changed and all things that are taken note off in literature.
i noticed the beautiful, dignified, quiet pain and brilliant acting when emma thompson found out she was being cheated on by SNAPE no less!
i noticed the gorgeous Kiera Knightley sounding so silly and so clueless when she said "i look quite prettay." when she was watching the video of her wedding.
and i appreciated the silent agony of the best friend guy even more.

and who can forget Karl? he is after all, the Ultimate Sex God. i of course, notice the subtler nuances of his sex god-liness; his glasses. yes, his spectacles.

he looked good in the office and all what with him lugging the poster-tube thing around..but i forgot nearly all of it after watching him without his clothes on.[hello? who wouldn't? lol] this time around, i noticed how he kept on pushing up his wire-rim glasses and i didn't realize it then but geez, it really added to his sexiness. it adds this tinge of vulnerablity that reduces me to a puddle of izyanti.

i'm shamelessly lusting after you Karl! not the actor but you Karl, i want to make you miney-miney-MINE.

it was so hot.

honestly, his glasses-pushing habit was even sexier than him nearly naked. hrm, maybe it's just me.

maybe i just have a thing for cute guys with a slightly geeky edge. sure, i may go 'woah' at the swaggering, cocky guys but it's the geeks my heart belongs to!! =D

like there was at this one time last year i had this heee-uge crush on this guy and he one day changed his glasses and i was one of the only ones who noticed. i suppose it wasnt /that/ significant a change [from navy wire-rims to black ones] but I noticed! lol, i kept staring at them that day.
--how embarrassing--

just a note.

i think i'll like to add why i was so worked up over not studying for my test.

usually, i'm quite cool with stuff like that. or at least, i used to. half the time, i never studied for tests, and then the ones i studied for - i always flunked them anyway.

but this year, i've been PASSING. i've actually been ddoing decently well for my chemistry.

and the mere thought of failing, of doing badly for a test scares me. it scares the SHIT outta me. i didn't want to flunk.

it became a mantra in my head. the thought of seeing a red mark and my teacher's disappointed face after all the encouraging smiles i've been receiving was petrifying.

i was deathly afraid that if i failed this one, it would be the end. i would fall back into my old pattern of flunking every test. i didn't want to go back to my old ways.

the fear, it wasnt just a worry. a typical anxiety.

it gripped my entire core and nobody knew about it. which made it even worse. people dont see how i've been working harder and how i've been EARNING my As and the Bs that used to be Cs and Ds. they dont see it.

i was so friggin terrified on the way to school. i flipped through some material on the bus and i couldnt do ANY of the bloody equations. i felt so stupid. it was painful.

i'm a perfectionist at times. the trait has managed to taint a new part of my life. i HAD to do well.

if i didnt, life would end they way it had been going.



i know it's all melodramatic but the strange this is, it made perfect logical sense in my head a few days ago. everything sounded rational and..normal.





i dont know what'll happen if i do flunk. i honestly don't.

it's just that, after working so hard - climbing up to where i know i should belong instead of loitering around at the bottom of the pile, to fall down would be..eternal damnation? lol.
it'll be more like, Life telling me that i didnt belong Up there and that i should know my place and just go home. as if Life was just taunting me by giving me a taste of what it's like before pulling me back down and laughing and asking me if i had actually though i was worthy and good enough to be there.

i think.

i never know anything anymore.
i'm never sure.

nabbed this off kass!

[8 songs that get stuck in your head frequently]
1. Here without you; 3 doors down
2. Love is only a feeling; the darkness
3. Lost in you; sugababes
4. Don't Panic; coldplay
5. shark food; starsailor
6. love is here; starsailor
7. fidelity; starsailor
8. Faithfulness; skin

[4 beverages you drink frequently]
1. Anything with a ridiculous amount of sugar in it.
2. ribena!
3. um, this grass jelly thing they have at my school
4.

[4 places to go in your area]
1. Popular Megastore [augh, they closed it down!]
2. jurong point for fooood
3. take the 190 to orchard and roam about
4. you could got to Lot 1. if you want tod ie of boredom that is.

[4 things to do when you're bored]
1. sleep
2. doodle
3. do spongebob-y stuff
4. sleep.

[4 things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. buying a really great cd.
2. crazy antics with my friends in class
3. proving my english teacher wrong
4. finding a $50 note on the ground. [never happened b4 but hey, i can stilll hope!]
*5. [need to add this] when somebody FINALLY buys me an iPod.

[4 things you can't live without]
1. my discman and the minimum four cds i lug around.
2. paper and a nice black ink pen to doodle with
3. the computer. which would be a useless lump of plastic if not for the internet connection
4. moments of sheer insanity with my buds.

[about 10 years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in K1 and my uniform was a pink dress. :|
2. i pulled the head of my barbie. [accidentally, i swear!]
3. nearly drowned.

[about 2 years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in sec 2 and quite miserable in my class
2. i chopped off my ponytail!
3. started actively liking lit.

[about 1 year ago *list three things*]
1. CAP. wait - does it count? i suppose it's not a year AGO but it WAS last year, so.
2. um, had my first MAJOR fight with my best friend. silence for and *gasp* 4 hours! lol.
3. suffered a.math


[today...]
1. sang cheesy boyband songs in class
2. struggled through my 12th Night questions. ooh, we finally finished it!
3. exploded/terrorized a bunch of sec 1s


[10 things you love]
1. sleep
2. cassansra claire’s draco malfoy
3. having money when I find something I like
4. the ever elusive iPod
5. caaandyy
6. dropping a.maths
7. being in the art room while others are toiling in boring classes like bio
8. skipping PE
9. making people laugh
10. my class [er, 95% of them] and madCAPpers! =D

[7 things you hate]
1. malay compos
2. our principal, Herr Hitler
3. the Parental Authorities when their being well, authoritarian
4. crowds
5. minahs in Emily
6. no-inspiration days in the art room
7. taking the bus to school in the morning

[7 things on your desk]
1. the clock-radio thing that’s been unplugged for the past 5 months
2. candy wrappers
3. a bunch of unused/spoiled pens
4. unknown mass of papers
5. graffiti
6. notebooks filled with general Crap
7. wires attached to the chargers for my handphone and discman

[7 facts about you]
1. i have a quick temper
2. just because I love to warble doesn’t mean I CAN sing.
3. music junkie.
4. ice-skating is funfunfun
5. it’d be nice if I stop downloading music but oh well..
6. I want the iPod.
7. I really, really want the iPod.

[8 artists/bands people should give a listen to]
1. evanescence
2. starsailor
3. 3 Doors Down
4. Skunk Anansie
5. Bic Runga
6. alanis morrisette
7. tata young. [YEAH. RIGHT.]
8. greenday

[5 things you like about the opposite sex]
1. when they change after pe! Ok, fine. I’m tokking about a particular person.
2. it’s amusing and fascinating to hear their perspective
3. it’s a laugh to see them drool over girls
4. when they let down their “I’m tough.” façade when they get away from their pack.
5. when they sing. If they can. But when they can’t, it’s still sorta funny.

[4 things you would eat on the last day of your life]
1. candy
2. my mudder’s laksa
3. ribena lol
4. ice-kachang

[4 CD's from your collection that you will never get tired of]
1. Evanescence. [my burnt album of Origin]
2. starsailor. Both albums
3. bic runga!
4. burnt cds of coldplay!!

[6 celebrities you would have sex with] (Erm.... lust after is one thing, but...)
1. Rodrigo Santorio as Karl. With his glasses on.
2. Jeremy Sumpter as Peter Pan when he /finally/ grows up.
3. Spike from BTVS. Oh yum =D
4. Adrien Brody *beams*
5. stuart townsend as Lestat.
6. /that/ guy from LostProphets
____________________________________________
i've been wanting to put this up for quite some time.

my friend was browsing through the internet looking for pictures of tatu. she accidentally chanced upon this website and a picture caught her eye. her thoughts were [in chronological order] -

"why's that woman sucking a thumb?"
"that's a really big thumb."
"how come the thumbs dripping stuff?"
"that's not a thumb."

lol.
_________________________________________
i was really in an irritable mood yesterday. no doubt it was cuz from monday to wednesday i was struggling iwth my homework and 12th Night questions [act 1 to act 4] and only went to bed at 2am and on thursday, crashed and burned. i reached home at 6.30 took a shower and sat down on my bed at 7 for a little shut-eye. when i woke up, it was 6am. it pissed me off a LOT because i had a chem test and because i was thoroughly unconscious, did NOT study for.

and i knew i was gonna flunk it because the grape vine said it had a lot of mole calculations.

so dwelling on this thought, i was studying during pe. i told my teacher i wasnt feeling well which WAS true. i felt like crap. and with my face, i bet i didnt look good either.
SO, i was sitting with a bunch of my friends cramming for the test when this bunch of kids came with VOLLEYBALLS and started playing near us- if you could call it playing. they were crap.
and you know i hate being around bouncing balls and when one of them landed like inches away frommy friend's foot, i screamed at them. i think they got a bit scared, them ickle sec ones. hrm. probably because i was all "FOCK YOU." and threatening them with a very painful death if the ball came that close to us again. so with the New Experience of being screamed at by a senior, they left for a quiet place AWAY from us.

so all was good. i started breathing properly again and we went back to memorizing structures for macromolecules and the fine difference between proteins and carbohydrate chains.

then, a ball hit my head.

i exploded.

i leapt up, and started lambasting the poor kid who was cowering and saying sorry sorry, accident accident. he was actually petrified, i think. i suppose my jabbing my finger at him and me in Full Rage is quite scary.
i'm trying to remember what i screamed at him, but i can't quite remember. all i can recall is shouting "that's it!" before turning to him and the kid looking quite pale. it's like all white noise, i wasnt even aware of my brain functioning.

my friends were quite shocked. they never had seen me like that. they were abit happy that i manaed to shoo off the annoying buggers but still shocked.

i think i was a bit shell-shocked myself.







i felt muchos better afterwards though.

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
"You do not know the power of the Dark
Side." There are two possibilities: you
are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly
scary.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i am a hypocrite. oh goody, another flaw i can add to my already long list.

i ate a disturbingly large amount of food today. i blame this on our week-long holiday. when i was out, all i did was hang around and eat. when i was at home, all i did was hand around and eat. i'd drop by shops and supermarkets to stock up on junk food to munch while with my friends so conversations usually go like this -

"have you done any *munch* homework?"
"nope. i've got virgin homework. pure and *munch* untouched."
"whoo, same here! oh you have Pringles! yumness."
"are you planning do actually do any then?"
"do what?"
"um, what were we talking about?..can i have that cherry Skittle?"
"oh look! 7-11!! ..slurpee!"

yerp, that's pretty much how my holidays went.

at home my mum would ask me what i was doing when i came down from my room. i'd grab more food and mumble something academic-oriented to appease her and go back up and lie down on the floor to stare at my ceiling.

so just how does this connect with my sudden increased appetite? see, this junking phase is quite usual for me during month long holidays but it starts at the FIRST week and typically tapers down by mid-month. but since the rectent break was mere week, i'm still on Junk on Food Mode.
___________________________________________
i have a love-hate relantionship with my art teacher. most of the time, he's fantastic, always cracking jokes with us even though he's this reaallly old guy and gives us rides to the MRT station. so nce of him.

but i do hate him when he tries to "help" me with my work. he tries to impose his ideas to improve it but it just doesnt click and he just can't seem to get that.

AUGH.

and this always make me feel horrid and all full of depress-osity because being typically me, i always have this fear of being not good enough and by trying to IMPROVE my piece means it's not GOOD ENOUGH. that it's SUB-STANDARD. BELOW PAR. and the thing is, i dont mind knowing this - it's what my brain tells me 24/7 but for someone ELSE to tell me indirectly [meaning: not constructive criticism], it just kills me.

and i'm NEVER happy with my art pieces. so if for a rare moment i am sorta hapy with what i'm doing, and you just RUIN it...augh.

It was going to be a dark and stormy night. izyanti looked out of the window and saw a dark sheet of grey. she wondered how come she never realized the pillars outside her home were painted grey before realizing that it was actually the sky. she opened the window and poked her head out. a gust of wind carrying the smell of rain greeted as the sky sent down a bolt of lightning. she smiled and went back to the bed where she had plopped herself down. She cracked open her mother's health book and proceeded to tear open a bag of artificially-flavoured sweet toxins as she flipped through the passages proclaiming the goodness of a healthy diet.
_______________________________________________
i will never be able to look/eat a piece of chicken again.

my mother asked me to clean the chicken she bought in the morning and in my sleep induced daze, i agreed. i had not realized that it would mean handling a corpse then.

a dead chicken is a gross thing. they don't look very good when alive i think but look even worse when dead and chopped into convenient halves. and i didn't even have to gut it and it was already icky enough.
honestly, i was not sure how to define a "clean" chicken. it's a carcass and i didn't think it was a wise idea to wash it with soap as my brother had suggested.

it was a rather weird experience really. they have this layer of mucus thing that you kinda rip off the flesh. and to remove any stray feathers. i had cut alot of tubey things before realizing omg, those were ARTERIES. augh, the bio student in me clicked on and i was suddenly aware of the muscle tissue that had a specific function, that once helped the bone [wing] to move and then my mind moved on to how this was some time back a clucking feathered BEING. and it was now in my hands and i was ripping and cutting tissue from it. and then i went on to wonder whether this was how we looked like. and THEN i started thinking that ich, if I'M grossed out already and not feeling like eating chicken for lunch, how the hell do cannibals do it?? it's on a completely higher plane of disgust-osity.

the ickiest part was the neck. i have no idea why my mother had the neck since nobody eats it anyway. so there i was snipping the fat etc. when the scissors went to deep and out came this think black thread. eew. it took a second for it to occur to me that it was the SPINAL CORD. augh. it was really ugly so i snipped the bit that had come out and BLOOD SPURTED OUT. my face had twisted up into what i'm sure was a really ugly grimace. so ick. i closed my eyes and ripped the whole thread out. eeew.

my brain kept going on and on about the neorones and the dendrites and what happens at the synapse and i could NOT shut it up!

and there was this bit of musle tissue near the rib cage. it was all dark red an squishy. i wasn't going to touch it except i didn't want it to accidentaly end up on my plate later so had to remove it. sensory wise, this was THE gross moment. it felt like a really soft, swollen and mushy RASPBERRY. imgaine trying to pick a raspberry from a crevice thing and when you do, all the liitle bumps on the berry BURSTS. that's how it felt like. muchos ick.

but you know what's slightly disturbing? i found it satisfying to rip and cut away the fatty bits and mucus thing. -- strange -- i don't think i'll mind doing it the next time round. how morbid, but i actually found the entire experience quite fun in a gross way.

be warned however, of cleaning prawns. i had to do it once and now steadfastly REFUSE to do so. EVER. it's even grosser because when you remove it's head, all the SHIT and BRAIN oozes out and its this disgusting mic of puke yellow, green and brown. AND it hurts. they have this sharp thingies at it's head and tail that give you really nasty small cuts that sting like fuck.

bummer.

my mudder wants to end our our cable subscribtion next month. like, augh! how am i suppose to get my healthy dosage of spongebob? Kids Central shows all the olde episodes..

i'll miss spongebob. and patrick.
and as told by ginger.
and the rare entertaining episodes of All That.
and even stevens.

i'll miss my cartoons and lame shows.

..maybe i'm over-reacting.

maybe not.









but i'm still pissed nonetheless.

wahahaha, i found the link to the iPod murder thingy i found!! iPod; a murder weapon.
____________________________________

why is the media harping on tata young? how much did her manager pay them to have her EVERYWHERE?
honestly, i dont think im the only one who finds her..annoying. she is such a mediocre singer, her song has obviously been touched up in the studio. it cant even pass off as excellent pop crap because it does not even stand out! sexy naughty bitchy. like augh, so what?

they keep playing her vid on mtv and it's really exasperating! it's tacly and looks like something britney and christina would have done like 5 years ago. she's not even remarkably gorgeous.

because she's Cleo's cover girl, i am not buying this month's issue even though i am missing out on the free lippie and if it's the April issue, my birthday horoscope.

is it because she happens to be Asian? i dont remember the media harping this much when Urban Xchange first came out. just because she's female with legs.

get over it! it's such a waste of front covers and "precious" MTV time. support asian talent? frankly speaking, WHAT talent?

she's
- pretty
- um.....

i can't think if any redeeming thingies for her. other than the fact that she is very malleable. as in, the record company find it easy to push, prod and mould her into the next one-hit wonder.

thinking about it now, she's a poor thing. her fame will last barely 15 minutes before she joins the dusty halls of the Macerena and um, cant remember any other one-hit wonders. see, proves my point exactly! she'll soon be thrown back into thailand doing what failed celebrities do - lament and drown their sorrows on alcohol OR sink into denial and throw themselves at second and third-rate tabloids to give them the rush of being in the limelight.

the poor deluded souls.

OR, just as likely, she might /actually/ succeed. i can see it happening. has happened before. i mean, look at the now defunct Atomic Kitten! i though they would die out after their second release but no...i was proved wrong.

what difference would it make anyway? the music industry is already so full of crap. the space she'll waste at HMV etc. is absolutely negligible.

and i still don't like hip-hop.

and techno.

but strangely, i honestly like the songs they played on the OLD version of Seseme Street. i really do.
__________________________________________

so there's this guy i know who i thought with all reason was pretty decent. an average guy with no qualities that make you wish a plague of giant locusts would lift him and dump him into the shittiest place you can think of [right now, it would be Bush's election campain speeches for me].

but now i think he probably deserves this treatment.

and why? because i've just read his recent blog entry and it screams "i'm an insensitive, arseholic jerk!" in neon paint with big flashing light bulbs. i feel a huge inclination to reveal his name and to give the link to his blog as well but i dont think i shall because of ethical reasons. this means i'm still debating on it and am not sure what to do yet.
alright, so his entries have always had hints if his jerk-osity but i just brushed it off because hey, everybody has their own prejudices and pieces of Arsehole and nobody's perfect so no judgement there.

but this is IT. i can't believe his audacity! [and you know what? he occasionally DOES read my blog. so i'm hoping he sees this] and what makes it even worse is that he's not being insensitive because he's an IDIOT in which i could probably half forgive him because well, it's not his fault if he was born an idiot and hence, ignorant.
what he did, cannot in any WAY claim ignorance as an excuse. the sickening thing is, he KNOWS what he is doing is SICK and WRONG and WARPED and whot the fuck, you're in Raffles Instituition! [there. guess who I'M talking about!] so hello, since you're what, the top 3% in Singapore - where the frocking hell is your shred of decency?? where the hell were you when they were passing it out before you were born? oh wait, i know - you probably thought you were TOO good for it didn't you?

figures. i am NEVER sending my kid [in the future] to an elitist top school even if he's a genius. i'd rather he toil through a normal neighbourhood school than risk turning out like YOU.

and he likes hip-hop.
hah! *smirks*
_____________________________________________
and don't give me the crap that since it's his blog, he has the right to say whatever he wants because hey, i'm not denying that.
but since he willingly posted it up, it is also open to criticism and the like. i normally dont like to judge people and avoid doing so [hence, my brief friendship with him], but this time, i guilt-free JUDGE.

he is a TOP-GRADE jerk.

number four!!

i am uber pathetic.

but no matter.

heheh, i read this newspaper article online which i find quite funny. it's entirely possible that the whole thing is made up, but hilarious nonetheless.

it's about this girl who's being charged for murder of her boyfriend. so why did she murder him? he was protesting against her downloading music and deleted her 2000 songs on her iPod that took her 3 months to compile. she was so furious, she used her iPod and bashed him on the head several times till he well, died.

the iPOd, the new high-tech weapon of choice for the new generation of murderers.
____________________________________________
once in a while, my mind drifts over back to how i had used him. it happened a lonng time ago but i still feel bad. a bit.
then i remember how he wasn't a complete saint either and i feel much better. lol.
besides, i learnt an invaluable lesson from the whole incident so it's not a complete..shitty..thing.

*shrugs*

it's amazing how i can pretend not to know someone so well. he's the only one i know who does it as well as me. funny.
..something like that.
____________________________________________

recently, i've been wearing this bright light green hairband that i bought in an impulse. i've noticed that people have been kinda staring at it which is funny cuz since i'm short, it looks kinda weird when they walk by and their eyes look at the top of my head.

..just a random note.
_____________________________________________

what i did today.

proof how dwelling i am on that esprit jacket. went causeway point to get my malay dictionary tht conveniently has english translations etc. malay compos, here i come! dropped by esprit and went to look at the jacket. saw and went away sighing.
then i went to jurong point for lunch [at 4pm] and co-incidentally, there's an esprit there as well! whee, so i went in again to try it on.

and you know what? i don't think i want to get it anymore. funny huh? not funny haha, but well, funny. i'm just rambling.
i don't know, it seemed so much nicer when tried it on yesterday than today.

oh well. doesn't matter much. i still dont have money for it.

ooh, there was an Emily bag i saw. quite nice but wasnt really worth it. it was a simple pleather WHITE sling. thinking about it now, it wasnt really nice at all. thank gawd i didnt buy it, ya? and besides, i've sworn off shoulder and sling bags for the sake of my well, shoulders. they've gone through enough trauma for the past 2 years. *sighs*
_____________________________________________
realized that this is my THIRD post today alone. AUGH.

other people are hardly updating their blogs and what have i been doing?? does this mean i have nothing else better to do and this is made even worse by the fact that other people DO!! augh augh augh!

*runs off in hysteria*

and their not exactly quality posts anyway. i am a waste of space.
lol, i like how that sounds
_____________________________________________

still dwelling on That esprit jacket.

hah, i think the only reason i'm dwelling on it is because i'm curently supposed to be doing my malay letter. [write a formal letter to the LTA requesting them to build an overhead bridge for the congested road beside you school. state reason why the bridge is needed.] *sighs* it sounds SO much better in english.

anyway, can anyone spare me like, $130? if you do, i promise to love and adore and..umm, thank you. augh, i WAAANT.

i've actually seen it a couple a times. walked past it, touched it, cooed about it to my friends who ignore me as they drool over the PINK clothes but i've never tried it on because i dont like trying on clothes in my school uniform and besides i feel ugly most of the time in it lol. but i did yesterday.

it fits me PERFECTLY. it feels so nice...augh.

alrightey then, enuff dilly-dallying. i shall go offline and re-attempt the Malay Mission.