Thursday, December 29, 2005

I suppose three consecutive meme-only entries is quite sad, so in response to being vaguely prodded by various people for this shameful behaviour, I shall blog properly and not rely on memes that are in a way, the instant brownie mix for blog entries.

But I love instant brownie mix, and am guilty on relying on them for a quick chocolate fix. And besides, performing the miracle of adding water, oil and eggs, and popping it into the oven is such an easy way of making people happy that I just succumb. The thing is, I don’t quite understand baking. I can cook, and cook rather well – it’s more instinctive but baking!

Everytime I’ve tried baking, and have tried enough times to be able to say that I have tried, it’s been an almost-disaster and the fact that the end-product rather falls short of AMAZING just annoys me.

Like this one time out of boredom and poor mathematical skills, I baked cookies but had to reconfigure the measurements with no help from Internet conversion tables. I ended up with a disproportionately monumental amount of batter, too many cookies that took nearly more than a month to consume (and throw) and batter remnants up the mixer.

And so, I would like to extend a thank you to the fictional Betty Crocker. (Because did you know, the character was created to make the brand more friendly to the housewife consumer group. Marketing works wonders, it does.)

In the course of a conversation with a friend I have not been able to talk to properly in a long time, I, or we, realized that the problem with me is that I think people will behave the way I do and the reason for this is that my brain thinks it to be the logical thing.

What if that happens? Why wouldn’t it, that’s what I would or think I would do!

And therein lies the crux of all my paranoia. A major case in point here would be when social insecurity hits, primarily when I feel as if I have been left out. Now, in all clarity of thought, I do eventually realize that a) its usually unintentional, and b) I probably imagined the whole thing anyhow!

The reason why I get so paranoid that people (who matter a lot to me) are drifting away, and perhaps, don’t care for me as much as I do for them is because the truth is, I am guilty of this. On the ridiculous basis that because I somehow can and have easily distance and detach myself from friends, others can and will too. That suddenly we’re not so close anymore, and you won’t mind – because as cruel as it may be, I’m like that, too often when a friendship starts drifting.

It’s definitely not nice, and I do feel guilty at times but that doesn’t negate the fact that it comes easily for me. So people who have been my friends, and still are my friends for these past few years – inner circle people, inner circle.

And the terrible irony is that it would kill me if you do to me what I’ve been consistently doing all this while.

I don’t even know why I’m telling everybody this. Exhibitionism is a masochistic thing – it’s as if I want you to know how ugly I am. Not because I want you to by reflex, deny my convictions; I don’t think assurance from people is what I’m looking for. It’s crazy but I think I just want you to know: look, I’m a horrible person. It’s not because I’m proud of it, which is a disturbing and discomforting thought because it’s too alike to attention-seeking teeniegoths displaying their penknife scratches.

I’m dissecting myself in front of you because I want you to know me.
isn't it why you read this blog, after all?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

because i've been tagged, and really memes are very good blog-fillers when you don't quite have much to say but need to wipe the dust of your blog

Five Weird/Random Things About Izyanti Asaari.

1) I have gone through many different phases. i have been goth, some-what punk and preppy. And before random people start flaming me for being a poser, let me just state that (i) at that point of time when i was in that phase, i really did feel it. then, i grew out of it and moved on. deal with it. (ii) it's just FASHION, god. you dress to suit your mood, which is why i occasionally still do dress up likewise. (iii) besides, i look good. so there.

2) christmas is a time where i make things for people. post-christmas is a time where many projects lie around in my room incomplete: half-painted, half-sewn, half-assembled. why do i feel this year is going to be the same?

3) i have an attention span of a chipmunk (see above) and the fact that i think i can do anything (weird really, considering that i fail a lot too) doesn't help this because the moment something gets kinda iffy, and i get bored, i moooove on because i think the next project is way more interesting and that i would definitely pwnz that. leaving behind me a trail of half-finished projects.

4) i am only completely and thoroughly comfortable being group leader even if it is hectic and chaotic and i want to die, because at least i'm in control instead of under (or waiting for) the instruction of others.

this is also the reason why i am wont to get in trouble with Disciplinarian Figures Of Authority, especially when they're incompetent because i'm way too busy thinking of how i'd do a better job than them to be respecting their Authority - and what do you mean she can suspend me when she's so (note: this is relative, of course) incompetent!

i don't mind being a worker, and sometimes its a relief and quite fun knowing that the complete ruination of a project is not on your shoulder, but i function better on top *cough*

5) i don't like giant big group outings, and i think going out with friends in groups of more than 5 people borders on useless, especially when it simply means taking an extensively long time to decide on something moronically simple like Where To Eat. this also means that i suspect that given power, i might be a closet tyrant/control freak quite akin to good old LKY. but i bet you guys know that already. *beams*

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Seven Defining Songs*

1. As long as that's true; Skin
2. Everything will be all right; The Killers
3. Not for all the love in the world; The Thrills
4. Maybe tomorrow; Stereophonics
5. Stay; Lisa Loeb
6. Lately; Stevie Wonder
7. The second part; The Dears.

*at this current point of time, of course

a long long time ago, hazri told me about the You Are Beautiful movement (see:, and i finally visited the site today and yes it is very sweet and the wheels in my head are already spinning madly for ideas.

but it just made me realize - its odd how we feel the need to be told that we are beautiful. it doesn't even matter whether i'm talking about being physically beautiful or politically correct inner beauty because the point here is that more often than not, being told that people accept you, and in a sense, love you, is something that humans always seek.

now that i've put it in terms of love and acceptance, it does seem like a rather 'duh' situation but i still think its strange how we're almost engineered to need the acceptance from others to make us feel good about ourselves.