fare thee well.
an epiphany slammed into me recently. i would want to apologize to those i dragged down with me into my panicky abyss but well yeah, it's all for our own good.
this is my official Goodbye note.
i have decided/been forced to drastically cut down my online time. specifically, thrice a week for only and hour or so. this would mean of course a drastically shortened if not non-existent talktime on MSN and blog rations.
oh oh i feel like dying.
how i hate the O's. with a fervour.
the Izyanti's PANIC NOW Plan also includes severe rationing of my supposed social life. i suppose gradually, i'll properly kill it but i might just go mad and i dont think losing one's sanity is a good strategy in tackling the Big One.
or maybe, more conveniently, the constant mugging will eventually kill my social life without any conscious effort. i mean, how fun can i be if i'm constantly muttering various properties of non-metallic elments and suddenly interjecting conversations with a lecture on genetics and hereditary?
*blinks*
oh oh i hate these emotional goodbyes. *daps eyes with scratchy lace handkerchief* and uh, the fact that it is possible this might just be a one-sided teary affair makes this uh, rather emabarrassing. but care i shall not!
so this is it.
goodbye [kinda] all.
i am brave,
i am disciplined,
i am a WARRIORRRRR
against the eville O's -
i am gone.
[madCAPpers: keep 3rd/4rth July saturday free!! WE ARE GOING BUGIS, I REPEAT, BUGIS!!]
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
i want to rant.
i have a lot to say, but the moment i see the words materialize on the screen, i feel sick in the stomach - let alone say it out into actual sounds.
despite the fact that i have friends, that i have a BEST friend, i feel compelled to stay silent somehow.
i don't like it.
am not liking feeling pissed with literally, the whole world.
i hate the way i am so aware of my snerk! idealism and being even MORE aware of the foolishness of it all. the way that i KNOW that i have to give up things i love like taking lit and art [and now, CAP] to go poly because well, that is where my career whatever it will, be.
i hate the knowing that one day, i'll end up a faceless drone in singapore's workforce, my life driven to make money to survive. to pay the bills and the kids' tutor.
the inevitability of it sickens me.
i hate the way re-living communism's death in history makes me actually SAD. because essentially, it is the death of idealism and the proving in all angles that pragmatism rules the day. the fact that we can never live in goodwill, that its beyond human nature.
what are we?
i hate the way i looks at my friends and other's in general and marvel at their immaturity and idiocy. then i feel guilty because at the same time, i'm aware that i too am guilty of said behaviour.
i hate the way when i read the article about the poor korean guy who ended up beheaded [what an ugly word, fitting in today's world] the opposite page was a full-page glamorous poster of this gorgeous blond girl with her hair artfully blown by the invisible photgrapher's fan and make-up immaculately applied with the finest brushes and richest pigments ADVERTISING MANGO'S SALE.
it disgusts me.
the insensitivity of such a grave event, and they COMMERCIALIZE it. seriously, no prizes for guessing it was strategically placed there beside a headline news.
and i'm going into mass communications?
to learn how to grab painful events and to interpret it into the language of money and sales? to forsake ethics and what-not because that's how the world goes, until finally it ends.
this is the slow and gut-wrenching death of idealism and it hah negatively nauseates me.
it makes me feel even worse that i find a smidge of comfort knowing that sooner or later, i would be what they call jaded and be numb to all of it. because then, i would have grown up - to become the jigsaw piece we all are supposed to be to make this twisted, warped world where countries submit themselves to the Big Kahuna for conveniece and security and the fact that this behaviour is logical is even more sickening.
like the vanda miss joaquims they all want us to be according to today's CAP jcdrama.
well guess what? i want to be a rafflesia but know that doing so woukd be immediate ostracization and suicide.
to sum it up, i'm disgusted at the world.
and myself.
i have a lot to say, but the moment i see the words materialize on the screen, i feel sick in the stomach - let alone say it out into actual sounds.
despite the fact that i have friends, that i have a BEST friend, i feel compelled to stay silent somehow.
i don't like it.
am not liking feeling pissed with literally, the whole world.
i hate the way i am so aware of my snerk! idealism and being even MORE aware of the foolishness of it all. the way that i KNOW that i have to give up things i love like taking lit and art [and now, CAP] to go poly because well, that is where my career whatever it will, be.
i hate the knowing that one day, i'll end up a faceless drone in singapore's workforce, my life driven to make money to survive. to pay the bills and the kids' tutor.
the inevitability of it sickens me.
i hate the way re-living communism's death in history makes me actually SAD. because essentially, it is the death of idealism and the proving in all angles that pragmatism rules the day. the fact that we can never live in goodwill, that its beyond human nature.
what are we?
i hate the way i looks at my friends and other's in general and marvel at their immaturity and idiocy. then i feel guilty because at the same time, i'm aware that i too am guilty of said behaviour.
i hate the way when i read the article about the poor korean guy who ended up beheaded [what an ugly word, fitting in today's world] the opposite page was a full-page glamorous poster of this gorgeous blond girl with her hair artfully blown by the invisible photgrapher's fan and make-up immaculately applied with the finest brushes and richest pigments ADVERTISING MANGO'S SALE.
it disgusts me.
the insensitivity of such a grave event, and they COMMERCIALIZE it. seriously, no prizes for guessing it was strategically placed there beside a headline news.
and i'm going into mass communications?
to learn how to grab painful events and to interpret it into the language of money and sales? to forsake ethics and what-not because that's how the world goes, until finally it ends.
this is the slow and gut-wrenching death of idealism and it hah negatively nauseates me.
it makes me feel even worse that i find a smidge of comfort knowing that sooner or later, i would be what they call jaded and be numb to all of it. because then, i would have grown up - to become the jigsaw piece we all are supposed to be to make this twisted, warped world where countries submit themselves to the Big Kahuna for conveniece and security and the fact that this behaviour is logical is even more sickening.
like the vanda miss joaquims they all want us to be according to today's CAP jcdrama.
well guess what? i want to be a rafflesia but know that doing so woukd be immediate ostracization and suicide.
to sum it up, i'm disgusted at the world.
and myself.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
at kino with bern, matt and hazri:
[browsing through the stationery section]
H: *pointing at mysteriously there skipping ropes* hey look, these plastic ones are really good. their of much better quality than rope ones. you should always get plastic ones.
[stifled laughter as he continues]
H: aiyah. *dolefully* but i can't skip anymore.
I: why? because you're a 16 AND a guy?
H: no, because the rope's too short.
[reaaaaaally finding difficulty at stifling laughter at his blondeness; matt interjects]
M: [tries to defend hazri, i think] but we used to skip rope in pe!
I: matt, that was in SEC 2.
LOL.
okaaay above dialogue may not be very accurate so dont kill me. and dont kill me for slander either; i LOVE you all, honestly!*beams*
and bern's 'silence'?
well, she was laughing too much.
above scene was also made funnier by hazri's earlier admittance of his primary school ECA. heehee. shall not be meaner and risk ill-will and possible violance by revealing it.
______________________
oh oh and bern and i staked out uncharted territory there too: the Trashy Romance section.
domain of the half-naked protagonists wrapped in passionate embrace embellished by painfully cheesy cliches.
to us, it was also the Humour section cuz we took turns reading our exceptionally bad bits out loud. mwaha much to the weird look of fellow patrons and embarrassment of haz and matt.
we found a passage that was rather funny and not so cliched:
a convo between a guy and a girl,
"you're hungover. what you need is sleep, food, sex and two Coke with lots of ice in it - not neccesarily in that order."
"and you're available?"
"try the strawberries, their locally-grown."
how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[browsing through the stationery section]
H: *pointing at mysteriously there skipping ropes* hey look, these plastic ones are really good. their of much better quality than rope ones. you should always get plastic ones.
[stifled laughter as he continues]
H: aiyah. *dolefully* but i can't skip anymore.
I: why? because you're a 16 AND a guy?
H: no, because the rope's too short.
[reaaaaaally finding difficulty at stifling laughter at his blondeness; matt interjects]
M: [tries to defend hazri, i think] but we used to skip rope in pe!
I: matt, that was in SEC 2.
LOL.
okaaay above dialogue may not be very accurate so dont kill me. and dont kill me for slander either; i LOVE you all, honestly!*beams*
and bern's 'silence'?
well, she was laughing too much.
above scene was also made funnier by hazri's earlier admittance of his primary school ECA. heehee. shall not be meaner and risk ill-will and possible violance by revealing it.
______________________
oh oh and bern and i staked out uncharted territory there too: the Trashy Romance section.
domain of the half-naked protagonists wrapped in passionate embrace embellished by painfully cheesy cliches.
to us, it was also the Humour section cuz we took turns reading our exceptionally bad bits out loud. mwaha much to the weird look of fellow patrons and embarrassment of haz and matt.
we found a passage that was rather funny and not so cliched:
a convo between a guy and a girl,
"you're hungover. what you need is sleep, food, sex and two Coke with lots of ice in it - not neccesarily in that order."
"and you're available?"
"try the strawberries, their locally-grown."
how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
first of, a buncha quizes i took in a quiz-taking frenzy.
ROTFL. my nose of all things! well, not the way it looks now. though truthfully when i put in 'izyanti', my "sexy" bit was my ass and my Talent was kinda um-ish.
SNERK!
OH OH BUT I ONLY WAAANT DRACO. *sniffs*
HAH! HAH! SCORE! yes, i will only be a slut for yooou draco [NOT tom felton]because you are an arrogant, wittily casutic one too!
hehehee. i tried five different colours to get him. at first i had...ron. not so bad, but cant replace Mr.Blonde
| How to make a izyanti |
| Ingredients: 1 part jealousy 3 parts brilliance 1 part defiance generous dashes of quirk |
| Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of curiosity |
ROTFL. my nose of all things! well, not the way it looks now. though truthfully when i put in 'izyanti', my "sexy" bit was my ass and my Talent was kinda um-ish.
SNERK!
OH OH BUT I ONLY WAAANT DRACO. *sniffs*
HAH! HAH! SCORE! yes, i will only be a slut for yooou draco [NOT tom felton]because you are an arrogant, wittily casutic one too!
hehehee. i tried five different colours to get him. at first i had...ron. not so bad, but cant replace Mr.Blonde
Monday, June 21, 2004
sunburn diary: Day 3
am peeling. finally.
however, with the flush of relief that at last, my face is not hurting comes the absolute gross-osity of the moulting proccess.
i am now...in a colourful state. and also will not be coming out of the recluse of the house until i am fully Renewed and my nose looks aestheticaly better and will not cause little children to run away in hysterical terror and forever be guilty of causing life-long trauma and go to the dark recesses of Hades for it.
although i can see a positive side of the Traumatized Children perspective.
"once upon a time, a foolish girl not yet infamous for her idiocy went to the beach.
Everything was diddly fine and so there she was, splashing innocently and most importantly, IGNORANT about the fact that *gasp* she had forgotten to bring along with her the Magic Potion that her fairy godmother bestowed upon her. [apparently, in other dimensions, said potion is commonly known as sunblock. here, they call it the Elixir That Protects One From Rays of Glowing and Burning Orb.]
7 hours later, she was red and sore. This stupidity induced ailment caused her much suffering and emotional scarring for a good portion of her life.
The End"
_________________________________________________________
tomorrow: what i did on the first day of CAP04. *BAWLS* stoooooopid little buggers! augh augh this is SO the epitomy of unfair. i can only comfort myself in the fact that today's dim sum was good and more...impactful, they *gasp* dont have secondary drame this year.
am peeling. finally.
however, with the flush of relief that at last, my face is not hurting comes the absolute gross-osity of the moulting proccess.
i am now...in a colourful state. and also will not be coming out of the recluse of the house until i am fully Renewed and my nose looks aestheticaly better and will not cause little children to run away in hysterical terror and forever be guilty of causing life-long trauma and go to the dark recesses of Hades for it.
although i can see a positive side of the Traumatized Children perspective.
"once upon a time, a foolish girl not yet infamous for her idiocy went to the beach.
Everything was diddly fine and so there she was, splashing innocently and most importantly, IGNORANT about the fact that *gasp* she had forgotten to bring along with her the Magic Potion that her fairy godmother bestowed upon her. [apparently, in other dimensions, said potion is commonly known as sunblock. here, they call it the Elixir That Protects One From Rays of Glowing and Burning Orb.]
7 hours later, she was red and sore. This stupidity induced ailment caused her much suffering and emotional scarring for a good portion of her life.
The End"
_________________________________________________________
tomorrow: what i did on the first day of CAP04. *BAWLS* stoooooopid little buggers! augh augh this is SO the epitomy of unfair. i can only comfort myself in the fact that today's dim sum was good and more...impactful, they *gasp* dont have secondary drame this year.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
sometimes i worry that i'm not behaving or living a life like a 16 year old should.
then i think and ponder all the seemingly [snerk] significant and impactful things that i too worry about and realize that heck, i am in all of it's essence a teenager. and this makes me glad; despite all the confooosion that comes with it.
it's just that recently, i fretted that i hadn't lived my life to it's fullest. that the past years of my life have been a complete waste - that I was to blame for all that precious precious time going down the cliched drain.
i know for sure that i wished i had immersed myself in better books during the past few years because now i have no time to read as much as i want to. and i know that the next few years will feel the same. and i fret that i didn't value my literature lessons as much even though we had to plough through the oh-so-dull works of catherine lim [though i did like her Bondmaid] and re-enacted Animal Farm which was i think, a hilarious event in creating.
the tacky teenage romance books thrown my way back then told me that 16 [a good 3 years away back then] was a time of the Geeks finally ousting the Bitchy and Beautiful and at the same time, happily being swept up in the giddy tsunamis of puppy love from the very gorgeous and Up-There-in-the-Social-System male protagonist.
or that someone dies in a car crash. but only after finding their One True Love of course.
but if anything, i've grown ever more resistant towards the heady spell of infatuation. :\ i now laugh or cringe or both at memories of said affliction.
*sighs*
i fret that 20 years from now, my kids will ask me what was it like when you were a kid and i'll have nothing...impactful, nothing of cliched importance divined from my adolescent years to impart on them.
i worry that so far, all i have is Nothing.
a more...pragmatic example would be the fact that if i were to leave school right now, i would not even have my O Level cert which even though they say is the basic-est, we all know is absolutely NOTHING.
and yet, how can Mr. Employer say that the past 3++years have been nothing? that it was of no purpose of all?
that despite all the ah yes, trials and tribulations that nearly 4 years of secondary school and interaction with its inhabitants is negligible and doesnt matter?
it pisses me off it does.
i've gone through a LOT, maybe not enough to win a Nobel Award or heck, even write good poetry but geez dont trivialize what we've gone through. it wasn't easy; it sure wasn't smooth-sailing. it was, essentially, an adolescent life - with the same adolescent tears sweat grief laughter wrath joy triumph [not much of this one] and panic spilt towards whole process.
but when you need to get a job, that simply translates into...Nothing? honestly, something's not adding up here.
then i think and ponder all the seemingly [snerk] significant and impactful things that i too worry about and realize that heck, i am in all of it's essence a teenager. and this makes me glad; despite all the confooosion that comes with it.
it's just that recently, i fretted that i hadn't lived my life to it's fullest. that the past years of my life have been a complete waste - that I was to blame for all that precious precious time going down the cliched drain.
i know for sure that i wished i had immersed myself in better books during the past few years because now i have no time to read as much as i want to. and i know that the next few years will feel the same. and i fret that i didn't value my literature lessons as much even though we had to plough through the oh-so-dull works of catherine lim [though i did like her Bondmaid] and re-enacted Animal Farm which was i think, a hilarious event in creating.
the tacky teenage romance books thrown my way back then told me that 16 [a good 3 years away back then] was a time of the Geeks finally ousting the Bitchy and Beautiful and at the same time, happily being swept up in the giddy tsunamis of puppy love from the very gorgeous and Up-There-in-the-Social-System male protagonist.
or that someone dies in a car crash. but only after finding their One True Love of course.
but if anything, i've grown ever more resistant towards the heady spell of infatuation. :\ i now laugh or cringe or both at memories of said affliction.
*sighs*
i fret that 20 years from now, my kids will ask me what was it like when you were a kid and i'll have nothing...impactful, nothing of cliched importance divined from my adolescent years to impart on them.
i worry that so far, all i have is Nothing.
a more...pragmatic example would be the fact that if i were to leave school right now, i would not even have my O Level cert which even though they say is the basic-est, we all know is absolutely NOTHING.
and yet, how can Mr. Employer say that the past 3++years have been nothing? that it was of no purpose of all?
that despite all the ah yes, trials and tribulations that nearly 4 years of secondary school and interaction with its inhabitants is negligible and doesnt matter?
it pisses me off it does.
i've gone through a LOT, maybe not enough to win a Nobel Award or heck, even write good poetry but geez dont trivialize what we've gone through. it wasn't easy; it sure wasn't smooth-sailing. it was, essentially, an adolescent life - with the same adolescent tears sweat grief laughter wrath joy triumph [not much of this one] and panic spilt towards whole process.
but when you need to get a job, that simply translates into...Nothing? honestly, something's not adding up here.
i define a holiday as a week long retreat to a secluded island resort with a gorgeous beach. and i shall define what deserves the term 'gorgeous beach': crystal-clear azure waters, powdery soft white sand littered with beautiful shells and of course, sea wild-life that i can poke at [if their not slimey, of course].
and of course, KL is faaaar from that.
*sighs*
of course, i slept a lot in the car. at a certain point of time, mother dearest said, "don't sleep so much, your missing the view!"
i opened my bleary eyes and looked to my left. Palm oil trees.
To my right. Palm oil trees.
i looked at her, and went back to sleep where at least, i dreamt of more interesting things.
okay to be fair, it wasn't ONLY palm trees. sometimes, it was coconut or banana trees being strangled by random enthusiastic weeds. or a wide expanse of field either half-dying or very much alive with said weeds among rust, concrete rot and god-knows-what.
it was however, slightly more interesting when we detour-ed to visit my grand-uncle in the kampong areas. sadly, the novelty of cows chewing some form of vegetation among the pile of unidentifiable junk or haha tanning on the roads, refusing to get up until we cajole it with a few honks has since faded.
and CHICKENS. geez if i had to hunt for food, i would NOT even bother with chickens. such ugly things they are.
turkeys too.
another faaaar-off distant relative owned turkeys. fat murderous-looking things.
anyway, when we finally got to said Granduncle's place after a few customary wrong-turns and roundabouts, we stepped out of the cool safety of our air-conditioned car, my shoes crunching apprehensively on the gravel. with of course, the patented 'Cityslicker Pretending to Enjoy Kampung Life' smile plastered on our faces...though i think my dad sincerely liked it there.
he was having much fun plucking this rambutan-cousin fruits for my brother to eat from the tree. actual EDIBLE fruits straight off the tree! seriously, a rare sight in singapore indeed unless you're a rich bugger living in landed property preferring fruit trees to ah yes, decorative ferns and bamboos.
into the house we went, it's musty smell assaulting our noses. gingerly sitting on the sofa. watching and waiting as my dad made small talk.
we went out to the porch where my granduncle offered my mum fresh durian which apparently, tasted different from the kind we get here since it did not have to travel hundreds of kilometres before having to sit in piles under fluorescent lights for days before reaching the hands of my mother and other durian-philes.
they served us cakes and such which we would have eaten except for the fact that there were FLIES swarming the few plates. you know, back here, three flies simply hovering would be enough to set you running and whimpering to the Health Food Inspector.
but i suspect that in our situation, ye olde Inspector would be running and whimpering as well. :
not five, not six but TWELVE were dancing all over the food. yes we counted, out of boredom and curious disgust.
despite the fact the all four of us [mother included] took turns in frantically shoo-ing them away before our arms grew tired and we just well, gave up and didn't eat.
shoo!
*flies move around as if just playing along with us before settling back down to poke their what do they call 'em? ah yes, proboscis into various cakes and nibbles*
SHOO!
*flies flutter around, bored with the weak attempt of trying to get rid of them*
SHOO SHOO SHOO frantically waving arms
*flies buzz around for a nanosecond, mockingly, before again settling down to liquidify our food with their enzyme-rich spit*
*sighs*
if you can't defeat flies, what can we supposedly intelligent, sentient homo sapiens do?
shopping was..typical. we stayed in the new hotel that comes with a GIANT shopping centre boasting 14 storeys of shops [though not all open yet] and an ACTUAL indoor theme park!..which would have been fun if i had my friends along.
for all those three days, you know what i was looking forward to?
going home.
not because i hated KL -it's generally okaay i think- but because we always drive back at night. along the highways with only those reflective strips for light it gives an all-clear oppurtunity to see the STARS.
i went to sleep 5-ish and woke up dishevelled and disoriented to see that it was already night-time. bleary-eyed, i blinked away the blur-osity that too much sleep causes and was delighted to see the velvet sky DOTTED fantastically with blinking stars!
it wasn't as breath-taking as the last time i saw them in the same opputunity a few years back but still.
you never get to see that many here.
bloody light pollution.
and of course, KL is faaaar from that.
*sighs*
of course, i slept a lot in the car. at a certain point of time, mother dearest said, "don't sleep so much, your missing the view!"
i opened my bleary eyes and looked to my left. Palm oil trees.
To my right. Palm oil trees.
i looked at her, and went back to sleep where at least, i dreamt of more interesting things.
okay to be fair, it wasn't ONLY palm trees. sometimes, it was coconut or banana trees being strangled by random enthusiastic weeds. or a wide expanse of field either half-dying or very much alive with said weeds among rust, concrete rot and god-knows-what.
it was however, slightly more interesting when we detour-ed to visit my grand-uncle in the kampong areas. sadly, the novelty of cows chewing some form of vegetation among the pile of unidentifiable junk or haha tanning on the roads, refusing to get up until we cajole it with a few honks has since faded.
and CHICKENS. geez if i had to hunt for food, i would NOT even bother with chickens. such ugly things they are.
turkeys too.
another faaaar-off distant relative owned turkeys. fat murderous-looking things.
anyway, when we finally got to said Granduncle's place after a few customary wrong-turns and roundabouts, we stepped out of the cool safety of our air-conditioned car, my shoes crunching apprehensively on the gravel. with of course, the patented 'Cityslicker Pretending to Enjoy Kampung Life' smile plastered on our faces...though i think my dad sincerely liked it there.
he was having much fun plucking this rambutan-cousin fruits for my brother to eat from the tree. actual EDIBLE fruits straight off the tree! seriously, a rare sight in singapore indeed unless you're a rich bugger living in landed property preferring fruit trees to ah yes, decorative ferns and bamboos.
into the house we went, it's musty smell assaulting our noses. gingerly sitting on the sofa. watching and waiting as my dad made small talk.
we went out to the porch where my granduncle offered my mum fresh durian which apparently, tasted different from the kind we get here since it did not have to travel hundreds of kilometres before having to sit in piles under fluorescent lights for days before reaching the hands of my mother and other durian-philes.
they served us cakes and such which we would have eaten except for the fact that there were FLIES swarming the few plates. you know, back here, three flies simply hovering would be enough to set you running and whimpering to the Health Food Inspector.
but i suspect that in our situation, ye olde Inspector would be running and whimpering as well. :
not five, not six but TWELVE were dancing all over the food. yes we counted, out of boredom and curious disgust.
despite the fact the all four of us [mother included] took turns in frantically shoo-ing them away before our arms grew tired and we just well, gave up and didn't eat.
shoo!
*flies move around as if just playing along with us before settling back down to poke their what do they call 'em? ah yes, proboscis into various cakes and nibbles*
SHOO!
*flies flutter around, bored with the weak attempt of trying to get rid of them*
SHOO SHOO SHOO frantically waving arms
*flies buzz around for a nanosecond, mockingly, before again settling down to liquidify our food with their enzyme-rich spit*
*sighs*
if you can't defeat flies, what can we supposedly intelligent, sentient homo sapiens do?
shopping was..typical. we stayed in the new hotel that comes with a GIANT shopping centre boasting 14 storeys of shops [though not all open yet] and an ACTUAL indoor theme park!..which would have been fun if i had my friends along.
for all those three days, you know what i was looking forward to?
going home.
not because i hated KL -it's generally okaay i think- but because we always drive back at night. along the highways with only those reflective strips for light it gives an all-clear oppurtunity to see the STARS.
i went to sleep 5-ish and woke up dishevelled and disoriented to see that it was already night-time. bleary-eyed, i blinked away the blur-osity that too much sleep causes and was delighted to see the velvet sky DOTTED fantastically with blinking stars!
it wasn't as breath-taking as the last time i saw them in the same opputunity a few years back but still.
you never get to see that many here.
bloody light pollution.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
the fates were against me yesterday.
*sighs*
i'm not even going to bother talking about rmun [hah who am i kidding? i'll prolly cover it later] except for the fact that i felt very warm and fuzzy seeing people walking around in my purrple stickers proudly proclaiming how Homosexuals are Homo sapiens too!..and of course happily ignoring others who muttered how lame they were. pfft you're just jealouse that your not as peppy enthusiatic and having nothing else to do with your time other than wasting the ink of your sister's purple marker like me! =D
heck i'll just talk about rmun - since i've already started ranting. hmm. everything was diddly fine; our presentations were almost down-pat but there's always a But isn't there?
for some reason that i cannot fathom, i suddenly had a Blank Out. it just whammed me out of nowhere and for 3 seconds, my brain was pfft! as if a door had suddenly slammed shut and ah yes, a power shutdown. you would havethought thing would stil be fine, cuz i had my notes in my hands so how could things have gone horribly bad?
let me tell you how.
during those three seconds, i looked at my notes and i couldn't READ them. now how weird is that? all i saw was black ink against the paper; my brain didnt recognize them as WORDS even thoug we've gone through them so so so many times and were clearly imprinted in my grey matter..it didnt matter because a Door had slammed shut and all you had was an Izyanti painfully aware that for the first time in her life, there was no buzz of thought in her brain and no not even the OMG PANIC PANIC kind - all there was left was Izyanti staring at the 'judges' apparently blankly gripped by Nothingness.
that is NOT supposed to happen to me.
CRINGE
i think it was made worse be the fact that there were only four of them. more intensity of their attention?
oh i dont know.
i'm not even sure why i'm blogging it down - further masochist-ing of myself i suppose. as if i didnt run it in my head again and again and again and even my sub-conscious wouldn't allow it to give it a rest because i dreamt about it too. except it was worse because my niggling fears and anxieties were played out in Dream Matter and everyone knows that when you're sleeping, it feels so real.
and nadya, thanks for not even bringing it up afterward or showing your..disappointment.
shit i messed it up. possibly not as badly as i think it is, not as badly as what the Obsessive version that's been running around in my head taunting me. i mean, we made them laugh - that's a good thing right? so i wasn't as smooth as i wanted to be, i didn't particularly mess up the rest :/
oh and i just told matthew on msn abt the next craapy thing that happened to me yesterday:
as of now, iZ is only known as Haiti GA. says:
i went causeway point and was basically zonked but was determinedly hunting for The Vine's album
so i was listening to my discman annoyed with the whole world in typical teenage fashion when i felt my shoe stepping into something wet and SLIMY. oh yes. i stepped into a puddle of PUKE. i ddn NOTICE the reason why ppl were avoiding the place and there was no smell - and the bloody security guard i suppose was guarding the puke puddle instead of warning blur ppl like me of it and only looked at blankly after i said 'fuck' quite loudly. strangely, i was disgusted in a..detached way. augh! it was so ickk. yellow and curd-ey. at first i thought it was one of those chinese bean desserts things but nooo.
puke it was.
i could tell by it's splash pattern.
______________________________________________
*sighs*
i'm not even going to bother talking about rmun [hah who am i kidding? i'll prolly cover it later] except for the fact that i felt very warm and fuzzy seeing people walking around in my purrple stickers proudly proclaiming how Homosexuals are Homo sapiens too!..and of course happily ignoring others who muttered how lame they were. pfft you're just jealouse that your not as peppy enthusiatic and having nothing else to do with your time other than wasting the ink of your sister's purple marker like me! =D
heck i'll just talk about rmun - since i've already started ranting. hmm. everything was diddly fine; our presentations were almost down-pat but there's always a But isn't there?
for some reason that i cannot fathom, i suddenly had a Blank Out. it just whammed me out of nowhere and for 3 seconds, my brain was pfft! as if a door had suddenly slammed shut and ah yes, a power shutdown. you would havethought thing would stil be fine, cuz i had my notes in my hands so how could things have gone horribly bad?
let me tell you how.
during those three seconds, i looked at my notes and i couldn't READ them. now how weird is that? all i saw was black ink against the paper; my brain didnt recognize them as WORDS even thoug we've gone through them so so so many times and were clearly imprinted in my grey matter..it didnt matter because a Door had slammed shut and all you had was an Izyanti painfully aware that for the first time in her life, there was no buzz of thought in her brain and no not even the OMG PANIC PANIC kind - all there was left was Izyanti staring at the 'judges' apparently blankly gripped by Nothingness.
that is NOT supposed to happen to me.
CRINGE
i think it was made worse be the fact that there were only four of them. more intensity of their attention?
oh i dont know.
i'm not even sure why i'm blogging it down - further masochist-ing of myself i suppose. as if i didnt run it in my head again and again and again and even my sub-conscious wouldn't allow it to give it a rest because i dreamt about it too. except it was worse because my niggling fears and anxieties were played out in Dream Matter and everyone knows that when you're sleeping, it feels so real.
and nadya, thanks for not even bringing it up afterward or showing your..disappointment.
shit i messed it up. possibly not as badly as i think it is, not as badly as what the Obsessive version that's been running around in my head taunting me. i mean, we made them laugh - that's a good thing right? so i wasn't as smooth as i wanted to be, i didn't particularly mess up the rest :/
oh and i just told matthew on msn abt the next craapy thing that happened to me yesterday:
as of now, iZ is only known as Haiti GA. says:
i went causeway point and was basically zonked but was determinedly hunting for The Vine's album
so i was listening to my discman annoyed with the whole world in typical teenage fashion when i felt my shoe stepping into something wet and SLIMY. oh yes. i stepped into a puddle of PUKE. i ddn NOTICE the reason why ppl were avoiding the place and there was no smell - and the bloody security guard i suppose was guarding the puke puddle instead of warning blur ppl like me of it and only looked at blankly after i said 'fuck' quite loudly. strangely, i was disgusted in a..detached way. augh! it was so ickk. yellow and curd-ey. at first i thought it was one of those chinese bean desserts things but nooo.
puke it was.
i could tell by it's splash pattern.
______________________________________________
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
i think i love the new Blogger x Google relantionship.
Google Toolbar Installed
panic panic. i cant open my hotmail account AND i cant post anything on the yahoogroups because um, they say it keeps bounces. :|
more later - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind *beams*
panic panic. i cant open my hotmail account AND i cant post anything on the yahoogroups because um, they say it keeps bounces. :|
more later - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind *beams*
Monday, June 07, 2004
Friday, June 04, 2004
a couple of things that have been disturbing me:
- why do people complain so much about singapore? i dont think its that awful as they always like to make it out to be. maybe i'm being mountain tortoise-like but sometimes, you really just gotta ask yourself and when i toughen myself up, THEM why they grouse so.
is it because they truly feel opressed, restricted and oh i don't know, like dying stuck on our island? or are they just angsty for the sake of it and *raises eyebrow* because it's the 'hip' thing to do?
what is wrong with the chewing gum ban? it makes the country look better does it not and yay no eewy stuff on the lift buttons and bus stop seats. besides, we /already/ have enough Miscellaneous Unidentified Yecky stuff around why add chewing gum to the problem.
and geez if you honestly need a fix, its not as if their SO stringent in checking to make sure you're smuggling in *gasp* candy. im pretty sure their more concerned in looking out for sticks of explosive material wrapped in duct tape with a ticking clock with lots of intimidating wires snaking through the contraption.
really.
what the hell, why DO they make such a big fuss over GUM?? get a life.
you know, this rant has induced a flash back. i remember when i was really short [ie. a kid] maybe
- on a more superficial and no-biggie note, i think my sister [or Mother Dearest for that matter] have been filching with my stuff and buying replacements. *glances furtively around* tsk tsk she is not good at being well, sneaky at all. have i not teached her anything at ALL? well, i suppose not since she's never realized once in awhile i take her stuff too oh i am good! anyway, i had a porepack on the other day [yes i know - Bimbo Moment]when sniff sniff, how come this one smells different? i checked the box and realized that hey, i ddn buy THIS Aromatherepy set! no way would i buy something with Green Tea [i hate the stuff] - mine had pink flowers on it and smelled um, pinker. i looked into the box to see that the Culprit had even removed a couple of 'em so it wouldn't look so suspicious but HAH she forgot the most important detail.
i bet it's cuz it was the only box they sold in NTUC and she grabbed it in her blind panick.
hehe i am quite amused by this whole event. more so if it is actually my lil sister. and if it actually happens to by my mom, mwaha i'll have a valid reason to use her stuff without asking oh whoopeedee!
_________________________________________________________
today for some reason, appeared surreal to me. although it wasn't as if a giant green bubble spaceship had landed in front of me and transported me senselessly to the north pole where i then had breakfast with the polar bears there.
it was a perfectly normal day.
i had my religious class exams today where i was very tempted to write sarcastic and witty answers for the majority of the questions that i had no idea what they were talking about but i realized that they wouldn't be awarding sympathy marks to smart-ass answers so i decided against it.
oh i exagerrate. i only ddn know how to do maybe a handful but somehow i know that according to the Law of Exam-Taking When One Does Not Study, i'll still probably fail.
you know, there is this teacher who would find my rhetorical and wry answers oh so funny and he'll be chortling along giving me marks because he actually has the rare 'Cool and Hip' element that is NOT found in religious teachers.
and yes i do know that by using the terms 'cool' and 'hip' i have absolutely killed the perception that i am funkeh. oh whoops there's another murder!
i would use the word radical to describe him but *sneaks furtive glances around* goverment officials may be spying around blogs of teenage girls and think i am referring to a terrorist mentor and arrest him for suspicions that he has plans to inconspicuosly leave a bomb hidden in a tacky teddy bear that was probably made in china on the left corner of a mrt station bench tsk tsk.
i digress.
he would be giving me marks only to have my paper suddenly snatched away by theother Eville Teachers just because they hate him because he is the only one we listen to and have no intention to sleep in his class. and i know that sentence is rather in coherent but yeah i do not care.
there was this Islamic History question asking about this guy that i know nothing of. it was on the last page and the answer lines they gave filled up the whol epaper and it would be very bad to leave such Emptiness in a very obvious place so i wrote a short note apologizing for my augh, incompetence and proceeded to vomit out what i DID know about the other guys. heheh.
i hope they'll be nice and at least read through it and not slash it with angry marks of Teacher Red Ink.
afterwards, i went to jurong cuz i wanted to check out their newly-furnished library because the very much hyped-up Teens section is really cool with music playing and it even has those dj decks that you can fiddle around with. but you know what i really went there for?
beanbags.
replacing stiff benches and un-ergonomically designed stools, they have giant beanbags littered all over the place! oh what fun - i had my heart set upon settling down in one of them reading a book while eating chocolates [you're allowed to eat there, another whee-ness factor] but in my euphoria, i forgot of course, that it only opened yesterday and the Kiasu Crowd spillover from the day before, would be here today. *sighs* i saw the crowd gathering outside the entrance and felt my heart falter
so instead, i went to the Popular and got my sister her birthday present. i was at first going to get her one of those pop-ish books [ala Princess Diaries] but decided that being 12 years old, i shall not allow her to suffer years of having to read less than Good books so she would not have to suffer like me who had ploughed through an unfortunate number of books not worth the Brain Bother.
i flipped through it and liked it alot. it had a dry sense of humour to it without being overly dark so that she'd end up traumatized or worse, not get it and completely waste my money.
"The Curious Incident of the Dog in The Night-time - Mark Haddon"
snug in my bag, i was heading home on the mrt telling myself 'dont read it dont read it let her read it then YOU can but oh oh she reads so SLOOW' and the temptation was too great and i ripped it out from its shrink-wrap and happily proceeded reading.
so i sat on the mrt calculating that when i reach the halfway mark in the book, i'll drop off and take the opposite train so that by the time i reach my stop, i would finish the book. and so i did.
its surprisingly very nice reading on the train. i was snuggled on a seat nearest to the door leaning on the glass thingy and not thinking about the butt pressed against my head seperated by a thin sheet of glass. except when this weird looking guy in a Mat Rock get-up sat beside me even though i sent out Psychic Vibes of don't sit beside me don't sit beside me but i suppose cigarettes dull your senses to receive said Vibes because he also stank of stale smoke yeck.
the book is now under my dictonary being Flattened because there is no way of retaining a new unopened book's fresh crispness and flatness. even though i opened it barely a crack.
yeah right. ok so i didnt but i took care not to make those wrinkles on the spine thing!..i really hope she likes it.
- why do people complain so much about singapore? i dont think its that awful as they always like to make it out to be. maybe i'm being mountain tortoise-like but sometimes, you really just gotta ask yourself and when i toughen myself up, THEM why they grouse so.
is it because they truly feel opressed, restricted and oh i don't know, like dying stuck on our island? or are they just angsty for the sake of it and *raises eyebrow* because it's the 'hip' thing to do?
what is wrong with the chewing gum ban? it makes the country look better does it not and yay no eewy stuff on the lift buttons and bus stop seats. besides, we /already/ have enough Miscellaneous Unidentified Yecky stuff around why add chewing gum to the problem.
and geez if you honestly need a fix, its not as if their SO stringent in checking to make sure you're smuggling in *gasp* candy. im pretty sure their more concerned in looking out for sticks of explosive material wrapped in duct tape with a ticking clock with lots of intimidating wires snaking through the contraption.
really.
what the hell, why DO they make such a big fuss over GUM?? get a life.
you know, this rant has induced a flash back. i remember when i was really short [ie. a kid] maybe
- on a more superficial and no-biggie note, i think my sister [or Mother Dearest for that matter] have been filching with my stuff and buying replacements. *glances furtively around* tsk tsk she is not good at being well, sneaky at all. have i not teached her anything at ALL? well, i suppose not since she's never realized once in awhile i take her stuff too oh i am good! anyway, i had a porepack on the other day [yes i know - Bimbo Moment]when sniff sniff, how come this one smells different? i checked the box and realized that hey, i ddn buy THIS Aromatherepy set! no way would i buy something with Green Tea [i hate the stuff] - mine had pink flowers on it and smelled um, pinker. i looked into the box to see that the Culprit had even removed a couple of 'em so it wouldn't look so suspicious but HAH she forgot the most important detail.
i bet it's cuz it was the only box they sold in NTUC and she grabbed it in her blind panick.
hehe i am quite amused by this whole event. more so if it is actually my lil sister. and if it actually happens to by my mom, mwaha i'll have a valid reason to use her stuff without asking oh whoopeedee!
_________________________________________________________
today for some reason, appeared surreal to me. although it wasn't as if a giant green bubble spaceship had landed in front of me and transported me senselessly to the north pole where i then had breakfast with the polar bears there.
it was a perfectly normal day.
i had my religious class exams today where i was very tempted to write sarcastic and witty answers for the majority of the questions that i had no idea what they were talking about but i realized that they wouldn't be awarding sympathy marks to smart-ass answers so i decided against it.
oh i exagerrate. i only ddn know how to do maybe a handful but somehow i know that according to the Law of Exam-Taking When One Does Not Study, i'll still probably fail.
you know, there is this teacher who would find my rhetorical and wry answers oh so funny and he'll be chortling along giving me marks because he actually has the rare 'Cool and Hip' element that is NOT found in religious teachers.
and yes i do know that by using the terms 'cool' and 'hip' i have absolutely killed the perception that i am funkeh. oh whoops there's another murder!
i would use the word radical to describe him but *sneaks furtive glances around* goverment officials may be spying around blogs of teenage girls and think i am referring to a terrorist mentor and arrest him for suspicions that he has plans to inconspicuosly leave a bomb hidden in a tacky teddy bear that was probably made in china on the left corner of a mrt station bench tsk tsk.
i digress.
he would be giving me marks only to have my paper suddenly snatched away by theother Eville Teachers just because they hate him because he is the only one we listen to and have no intention to sleep in his class. and i know that sentence is rather in coherent but yeah i do not care.
there was this Islamic History question asking about this guy that i know nothing of. it was on the last page and the answer lines they gave filled up the whol epaper and it would be very bad to leave such Emptiness in a very obvious place so i wrote a short note apologizing for my augh, incompetence and proceeded to vomit out what i DID know about the other guys. heheh.
i hope they'll be nice and at least read through it and not slash it with angry marks of Teacher Red Ink.
afterwards, i went to jurong cuz i wanted to check out their newly-furnished library because the very much hyped-up Teens section is really cool with music playing and it even has those dj decks that you can fiddle around with. but you know what i really went there for?
beanbags.
replacing stiff benches and un-ergonomically designed stools, they have giant beanbags littered all over the place! oh what fun - i had my heart set upon settling down in one of them reading a book while eating chocolates [you're allowed to eat there, another whee-ness factor] but in my euphoria, i forgot of course, that it only opened yesterday and the Kiasu Crowd spillover from the day before, would be here today. *sighs* i saw the crowd gathering outside the entrance and felt my heart falter
so instead, i went to the Popular and got my sister her birthday present. i was at first going to get her one of those pop-ish books [ala Princess Diaries] but decided that being 12 years old, i shall not allow her to suffer years of having to read less than Good books so she would not have to suffer like me who had ploughed through an unfortunate number of books not worth the Brain Bother.
i flipped through it and liked it alot. it had a dry sense of humour to it without being overly dark so that she'd end up traumatized or worse, not get it and completely waste my money.
"The Curious Incident of the Dog in The Night-time - Mark Haddon"
snug in my bag, i was heading home on the mrt telling myself 'dont read it dont read it let her read it then YOU can but oh oh she reads so SLOOW' and the temptation was too great and i ripped it out from its shrink-wrap and happily proceeded reading.
so i sat on the mrt calculating that when i reach the halfway mark in the book, i'll drop off and take the opposite train so that by the time i reach my stop, i would finish the book. and so i did.
its surprisingly very nice reading on the train. i was snuggled on a seat nearest to the door leaning on the glass thingy and not thinking about the butt pressed against my head seperated by a thin sheet of glass. except when this weird looking guy in a Mat Rock get-up sat beside me even though i sent out Psychic Vibes of don't sit beside me don't sit beside me but i suppose cigarettes dull your senses to receive said Vibes because he also stank of stale smoke yeck.
the book is now under my dictonary being Flattened because there is no way of retaining a new unopened book's fresh crispness and flatness. even though i opened it barely a crack.
yeah right. ok so i didnt but i took care not to make those wrinkles on the spine thing!..i really hope she likes it.
my printer is being rebellious.
it hates me. or rather, the biology notes and homework i'm printing out. maybe it has somehow taken offense in how the ecology notes are all about living, breathing organisms and *gasp* discriminate against creatures of plastic and metal like it.
yeah i think that's it.
oho now it's trying to play with me - it keeps 'sucking' in the papers than spitting them out without printing ANYTHING, inviting me to play. why does it think this is fun?
i asked my mother to get me a kitten to play with. heck, i'm happy with a stray kitten but noo. instead, i've got my printer.
weird creatures printers are. they never listen to what i say and this new one is even more confounded as it only comes with an on/off button and annoying green LED. it doesnt even respond to the button when i ask it to shut up and honestly, i am simply incompetent in the Printer Morse Code language ie. blinking lights.
-blinkblinkblink- PAPER JAM PAPER JAM FIX ME!
-blink- hehe. i am going to annoy you
-blinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblink-*spits out paper after paper and behaving in non-printerly fashion* hah! be annoyed! be ANNOYED! mwaha
and how come the light never comes in pleasant blue? such a painful yellow-green.
it hates me. or rather, the biology notes and homework i'm printing out. maybe it has somehow taken offense in how the ecology notes are all about living, breathing organisms and *gasp* discriminate against creatures of plastic and metal like it.
yeah i think that's it.
oho now it's trying to play with me - it keeps 'sucking' in the papers than spitting them out without printing ANYTHING, inviting me to play. why does it think this is fun?
i asked my mother to get me a kitten to play with. heck, i'm happy with a stray kitten but noo. instead, i've got my printer.
weird creatures printers are. they never listen to what i say and this new one is even more confounded as it only comes with an on/off button and annoying green LED. it doesnt even respond to the button when i ask it to shut up and honestly, i am simply incompetent in the Printer Morse Code language ie. blinking lights.
-blinkblinkblink- PAPER JAM PAPER JAM FIX ME!
-blink- hehe. i am going to annoy you
-blinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblink-*spits out paper after paper and behaving in non-printerly fashion* hah! be annoyed! be ANNOYED! mwaha
and how come the light never comes in pleasant blue? such a painful yellow-green.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
no title today:
yesterday, i went to my primary schoolfriend's BBQ and it was essentially, a recipe for perfect Social Awkward-ity Disaster.
*sighs*
i met up with a bunch of them at the mrt station before we headed of and this guy who was an ex-classmate was all alarmed and eyebrows raised and went "you've changed" except because it was in malay, i ddn know whether he was actually talking to me or making a comment to himself which in turn, left me feeling really weirded-out and not knowing how to react so panicpanicpanic it set the tone for the rest of the evening.
it's kinda expected, i just don't happen to speak the lingua franca ie. malay.
you know when it really hit me that i had just wasted a good 3hours of my life there? later on, safely back in front of the computer at home that i call my hermit cave, i was talking to my friends on MSN and was having more fun.
that is just like, warped.
_____________________________________________________
you know where's my favourite spot in the world currently in this phase of my life?
my bed.
i never thought it would ever come to this but it has. i go home drained after school and climb up to my bunk into the cool soft comfort of my pillows and blanket. its like this nest that beckoons me to curl in and just sleep. i honestly go "gawd, where the hell have YOU been for the whole day?" each time i settle in.
maybe im reliving my um, pre-birth comforts..though i bet that my mother's womb didnt have feather quilts, mwaha.
i wonder whether if i ask them nicely, the school would let me smuggle in pillows into a corner and let me borrow a gym mat or something..or not.
bah, humbug.
when i'm rich, i'll have a king-size four-poster featherbed with linen gauze drapings, inch-thick carpet, LOTS of giant bean bags littered around the house, a room full of cds and another full of books, a kitchen stocked with candy from all over the world and an amazing chef, a studio, and and in the backyard giant inflatable jumping/bouncing castle!
oh oh how i miss jumping in those castles. it was always such hilarious giddy FUN. nothing really can substitute the heady, off-balance, delirious, out-of-breath feeling that you get when you're hysterically laughing so hard and bouncing from here to there to everywhere and you feel that your stomach HAS to be contorted into knots and when you finally reluctantly get off, your knees are like jelly and the cement ground feels light like foam -
gawd i sure miss those days.
yesterday, i went to my primary schoolfriend's BBQ and it was essentially, a recipe for perfect Social Awkward-ity Disaster.
*sighs*
i met up with a bunch of them at the mrt station before we headed of and this guy who was an ex-classmate was all alarmed and eyebrows raised and went "you've changed" except because it was in malay, i ddn know whether he was actually talking to me or making a comment to himself which in turn, left me feeling really weirded-out and not knowing how to react so panicpanicpanic it set the tone for the rest of the evening.
it's kinda expected, i just don't happen to speak the lingua franca ie. malay.
you know when it really hit me that i had just wasted a good 3hours of my life there? later on, safely back in front of the computer at home that i call my hermit cave, i was talking to my friends on MSN and was having more fun.
that is just like, warped.
_____________________________________________________
you know where's my favourite spot in the world currently in this phase of my life?
my bed.
i never thought it would ever come to this but it has. i go home drained after school and climb up to my bunk into the cool soft comfort of my pillows and blanket. its like this nest that beckoons me to curl in and just sleep. i honestly go "gawd, where the hell have YOU been for the whole day?" each time i settle in.
maybe im reliving my um, pre-birth comforts..though i bet that my mother's womb didnt have feather quilts, mwaha.
i wonder whether if i ask them nicely, the school would let me smuggle in pillows into a corner and let me borrow a gym mat or something..or not.
bah, humbug.
when i'm rich, i'll have a king-size four-poster featherbed with linen gauze drapings, inch-thick carpet, LOTS of giant bean bags littered around the house, a room full of cds and another full of books, a kitchen stocked with candy from all over the world and an amazing chef, a studio, and and in the backyard giant inflatable jumping/bouncing castle!
oh oh how i miss jumping in those castles. it was always such hilarious giddy FUN. nothing really can substitute the heady, off-balance, delirious, out-of-breath feeling that you get when you're hysterically laughing so hard and bouncing from here to there to everywhere and you feel that your stomach HAS to be contorted into knots and when you finally reluctantly get off, your knees are like jelly and the cement ground feels light like foam -
gawd i sure miss those days.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
a rather irksome day.
hell, what's not to like about it? it's june and i've been [rightfully] programmed to accept that june days equals to NO SCHOOL but instead - yeargh, in school i was and there was no food in the canteen so we had to trek our way to the 7-11 which is like a *gasp* whopping 3-minutes distance away. but still, in the sun! and the sure way to make me grumpier is having proper food being taken away from me. cup noodles is NOT food. its starch and a whole lotta preservatives and MSG temporarily filling my stomach to fool it into thinking that my appetite has been well-satiated.
i was also annoyed because during the 3 hour or so slotted for us to work on our social studies, my friends were basically just chatting around after they did half of their assignment..it wasnt that they were disturbing me with their chatter its just that maan, since we're here, let's do some work! AND I'M BEING CONCERNED FOR YOU THAT'S WHY I'M NAGGING DON'T BE A DOOFUS BY THINKING YOU'LL START NEXT WEEK AND YOU'RE JUST TAKING A BREAK AFTER THE EXAMS AND YES I'M TALKING TO YOU AND DON'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A STIFF WET BLANKET FOR NAGGING YOU I AM JUST BEING CONCERNED OR WOULD YOU RATHER I LEAVE YOU ALONE?
*phew*
i actually want me As; don't you?
i am so sick of being a chronic underachiever and i miss the days in primary school when i used to excel in EVERYTHING i did with minimal effort [okaaay, fine - except malay. but hey, that was in p6!]
i want to see my straight As agaaain. i miss the comfort that even if im not socially-ept, i've got proof that *snerk* i'm smart.
i know i can do sooo much better but i'm not. you know, i could have just wasted my past few years in secondary life...have i?
_________________________________________________
recently it's become more apparent to me that i find chinese chatter rather..annoying. maybe i've been more tense or am pms-ing but yeah well. at first, i couldnt find the rationality beneath the slight pissy offy-ness that rises each time i hear it but i think i know now.
hearing it [especially when i'm already pissed] only serves to remind me how i've never been really able to fit into the social system in school and how being strangely monolingual, i am in a sense, a pariah.
a misfit.
it only serves to remind me that if /only/ i was in a different environment [hmm. i'm thinking of a 3-letter acronym that rhymes with 'tap'] i could be so much happier maybe and how i'm stuck in such a cheena environment and this really really irks me.
oh welly welly well, another angsty grouse. sorray~
hell, what's not to like about it? it's june and i've been [rightfully] programmed to accept that june days equals to NO SCHOOL but instead - yeargh, in school i was and there was no food in the canteen so we had to trek our way to the 7-11 which is like a *gasp* whopping 3-minutes distance away. but still, in the sun! and the sure way to make me grumpier is having proper food being taken away from me. cup noodles is NOT food. its starch and a whole lotta preservatives and MSG temporarily filling my stomach to fool it into thinking that my appetite has been well-satiated.
i was also annoyed because during the 3 hour or so slotted for us to work on our social studies, my friends were basically just chatting around after they did half of their assignment..it wasnt that they were disturbing me with their chatter its just that maan, since we're here, let's do some work! AND I'M BEING CONCERNED FOR YOU THAT'S WHY I'M NAGGING DON'T BE A DOOFUS BY THINKING YOU'LL START NEXT WEEK AND YOU'RE JUST TAKING A BREAK AFTER THE EXAMS AND YES I'M TALKING TO YOU AND DON'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A STIFF WET BLANKET FOR NAGGING YOU I AM JUST BEING CONCERNED OR WOULD YOU RATHER I LEAVE YOU ALONE?
*phew*
i actually want me As; don't you?
i am so sick of being a chronic underachiever and i miss the days in primary school when i used to excel in EVERYTHING i did with minimal effort [okaaay, fine - except malay. but hey, that was in p6!]
i want to see my straight As agaaain. i miss the comfort that even if im not socially-ept, i've got proof that *snerk* i'm smart.
i know i can do sooo much better but i'm not. you know, i could have just wasted my past few years in secondary life...have i?
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recently it's become more apparent to me that i find chinese chatter rather..annoying. maybe i've been more tense or am pms-ing but yeah well. at first, i couldnt find the rationality beneath the slight pissy offy-ness that rises each time i hear it but i think i know now.
hearing it [especially when i'm already pissed] only serves to remind me how i've never been really able to fit into the social system in school and how being strangely monolingual, i am in a sense, a pariah.
a misfit.
it only serves to remind me that if /only/ i was in a different environment [hmm. i'm thinking of a 3-letter acronym that rhymes with 'tap'] i could be so much happier maybe and how i'm stuck in such a cheena environment and this really really irks me.
oh welly welly well, another angsty grouse. sorray~
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