just a note.

i think i'll like to add why i was so worked up over not studying for my test.

usually, i'm quite cool with stuff like that. or at least, i used to. half the time, i never studied for tests, and then the ones i studied for - i always flunked them anyway.

but this year, i've been PASSING. i've actually been ddoing decently well for my chemistry.

and the mere thought of failing, of doing badly for a test scares me. it scares the SHIT outta me. i didn't want to flunk.

it became a mantra in my head. the thought of seeing a red mark and my teacher's disappointed face after all the encouraging smiles i've been receiving was petrifying.

i was deathly afraid that if i failed this one, it would be the end. i would fall back into my old pattern of flunking every test. i didn't want to go back to my old ways.

the fear, it wasnt just a worry. a typical anxiety.

it gripped my entire core and nobody knew about it. which made it even worse. people dont see how i've been working harder and how i've been EARNING my As and the Bs that used to be Cs and Ds. they dont see it.

i was so friggin terrified on the way to school. i flipped through some material on the bus and i couldnt do ANY of the bloody equations. i felt so stupid. it was painful.

i'm a perfectionist at times. the trait has managed to taint a new part of my life. i HAD to do well.

if i didnt, life would end they way it had been going.



i know it's all melodramatic but the strange this is, it made perfect logical sense in my head a few days ago. everything sounded rational and..normal.





i dont know what'll happen if i do flunk. i honestly don't.

it's just that, after working so hard - climbing up to where i know i should belong instead of loitering around at the bottom of the pile, to fall down would be..eternal damnation? lol.
it'll be more like, Life telling me that i didnt belong Up there and that i should know my place and just go home. as if Life was just taunting me by giving me a taste of what it's like before pulling me back down and laughing and asking me if i had actually though i was worthy and good enough to be there.

i think.

i never know anything anymore.
i'm never sure.