Friday, March 25, 2005


i wrote a lengthy, actually intelligent reply to siew ching's blog entry about vietnamese brides and my mum did something and IT IS GONE! one day, when i am more calm and my neurones are not so annoyed, i will recall what i wrote, probably realize "whaaat, this is IT? the supposedly intelligent discourse - how embarassing", but for now, i shall mourn its sudden demise!

and so, i am going to rant angrily about something else that pisses me off:


stupid pop-punk angsty fluff! listen, there are bigger things in life than yor personal heartaches - the world is not going to stop its orbit because your girlfriend hates you or what shit. something i hate even more! the bloody idiots who go oh look at me, i'm so punk because i listen to simple plan and (wtf!) PUG JELLY. what is wrong with these people!! they're hiding under their ability to actually play instruments and write pathetically mediocre songs but they are actually boybands dammit HOW BLIND CAN YOU BE.

there. that slightly eases my pissed-offiness about my entry that went away!

maybe pop-punk bands have a purpose after all. as my punching bag! I don't understand how i can get so riled up about their existence but maaan, it just makes me grit my teeth augh. and pug jelly is crap. monkey shit! i'm sorry but their a pathetic excuse of a local band because a)it's pop fluff once again and b)THEIR A LOCAL BAND BANKING ON THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T LOOK LOCAL. how asinine can things get, honestly.


so here is a list, a continuance (is there such a word?) of my indulgence of HOW PISSED I AM.

things that cause much annoyance to me

- last minute changes
- waiting for people
- last minute changes that force me to wait for people
- trashy music that blares on and on and on
- the people who for some reason, adore said trashy music.
- girls who dress in pink from top to bottom. honestly!
- reading a book, realizing it is absolute crap but forcing myself to continue anyway because i have to, and then returning it to the library late and having to pay insaaaaane fees because of a book that i DID NOT LIKE. i am stupid.

after this i am going to download pop-punk trash about the profound such as how the life of a teenager is difficult and i can't get a date for the prom, find myself a corner and give myself papercuts that spell out M-Y-L-Y-F-E-S-U-X.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

do you want to know why i am blogging?

i am blogging because i have a bag of Marks&Spencer's Milk Chocolate Buttons beside me and ergo, i am happy. why do my recent posts revolve around food, i do not know. today i did not finish my warm and gooey brownie because i cannot believe i'm saying this, but it was to chocolatey. yes almost-blasphemous.

sadly, the buttons are getting a bit soft and messy to eat while hogging the computer and so, i have dumped them in the fridge where i shall rescue (fear not, muh buttons!)them before the Eville hands of equally chocolate loving mother and brother discover their existence. they are miney miney mine and unless i generously offer them to you, yes, still mine.

what absolutely incoherent rambling. matthew said that my last post was completely pointless. he is wrong, i think. ALL MY RECENT POSTS HAVE BEEN POINTLESS. i wish somebody would explain this phenomenon to me - why is it that i have absolutely nothing meaningful to say. it is strange and inexplicable.

something is wrong.

but you know, it matters not as long as i have my milk chocolate buttons. hmm i am beginning to notice an obsessive trend towards my milk chocolate buttons. today, we bought our uniforms. which admittedly, as much as i'm liking cjc so so so much, really look like factory uniforms. it is quite sad. how is it then that my fellow peers do not appear factory worker-like whereas i look as if i just stepped out of an electronics assembly line.

they say the the feeling of jealousy comes when you feel something that you think rightfully belongs to you has been wrongly taken away or withheld. which perhaps, explains why i no longer feel such an emotion. ahh you know who and what i'm talking about. typing the above out, i realized how much stronger the word "feel" is rather than "think". i suppose it doesn't apply to everybody but i do think that the emotional undercurrent plays a majoy part during Crucial Decision Making-time, which is perhaps, why i did not even apply for nyjc. i wonder whether this trait will prove to be my downfall in the future. i cannot be help but be rash and impulsive, and only a shred of logical sentiment holds me back from being completely stupid.

what a load of self-indulgent crap.

i don't know, but i noticed how that when it comes to dreams (the literal kind), it's the emotional undercurrent that makes up the main body of it. it's like when you had an especially moving dream and try to tell somebody, or write it down but it just absolutely falls FLAT because the mere desription of what happened and when the pink elephant fell out of the sky or when i took mathsC and got an A - it doesn't matter because it's not what you FELT.

not to be uber-morbid (which i uh, unsuccessfully try to keep sekrit) but i've had one of those dreams that go around your own suicide. it's common i know, but so very very impactful. mine was about how i popped pills and was waiting to die yadda yadda realized i didn't want to, regretted it and then as i was all morose and unhappy (SEE, SUICIDE IS NOT THE SOLUTION KIDDIES. chocolate buttons are.) the doctor told me that oops, you're not going to die after all because you didn't pop enough pills and i was disappointed that i was not going to die.

the point is!

throughout the entire, painfully long and tiring dream, i had this incredibly uncomfortably feeling. unsettling, out of sorts, in a high tension kind of way - WHICH i only realized today could be likened to what it feels like when you hold your breath and there's the unsettling tight STILLNESS and auugh. something like that.

surprise surprise, anotherlist!
things that give me a Good Impression on schools

- having toilet paper in the loo
- having good toilet paper in the loo (hurhur)
- having nice smelling soap in the loo
- nice administrative staff!
- interesting magazines to read in the general office
- a good selection of junk food in the canteen
- their school bell
- student artworks hanging on the walls
- the price of Ribena!

here's an appeal to the random readers out there: i heard that the NJC uniform is water-resistant for a whole of EIGHT seconds and and! is fire-retardant. but this means that the new uniform is very stiff so to soften the material, they BURN (well, kinda)it. tell me, is this true?! or, another mere urban legend against njc people. njc people are always being bullied on the grapevine, the poor things. take heart, they think cjc people are a bunch of skanks.

well. i haven't met any. skunks even! we are very hygienic here at cj.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

do you know, i actually was in the process of writing an entry -

- and how i wish i could blame a temperamental internetexplorer or one of those ideeyot bugs for horrifically causing the dissipation of a painfully lenghthy entry. but i cannot. because uh, i did write something, but i got distracted and could not be bothered to save what i had written also because, it was only a pathetic non-purpose two paragraphs.

ahh. i learnt something today, in an MSN conversation. who says these things aren't educational? the thing is of course, i wish i didn't. i really, absolutely would rather have not.

this is poop.

more lists to compose myself! how strange that when it comes to actual writing, i hate any form of structure or what do they love to call it? ah yes. scaffolding.

what i ate today

- a bowl of oxtail instant noodles
- 4 small packets of those intense MSG-ed orange coloured mini-stick crackers.
- one bottle of mineral water
- 3 barbecued sausages
- 6 sticks of beef satay
- 1 small cup of unidentfied syrup drink
- 1 mug of super-sweet/creamy milo with mini marshmallows
- 1 cup of ribena

things that i need to do

- finish writing for jcCAP portfolio auugh
- finish writing + photocopying + colouring The Lonely Clud
- repress my Inner Cynic!
- sleep more.
- randomly, i wish life was a musical.

hah new list!

today's OST
- 100 ways to be a good girl; skunk anansie
- misery; the moffats
- fly me to the moon; diana krall
- dreaming of you; the coral
- megalomania; incubus
- faint; linkin park
- adrienne; the calling
- emotions; destiny's child.
- the blower's daughter; damien rice
- so sublime; skunk anansie
- anti-love song; skin+lenny kravitz
- all i have; jennifer lopez (and no, i have no idea why its here either!)
- the very thought of you; natalie cole.

and is this how i'm going to end my post?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

things i ate today (in chronological order):

- a cup of water
- a sugary donut
- an orange
- an orange
- a sugary donut
- four blackcurrent Fruit-Tips
- one big triangular sushi thingy
- a pack of 6 of those small sushi things
- three pieces of roti kirai that my mum made (whee tlc.)
- a mini-tub of strawberry jam that they give you with your muffin/scone at various overpriced coffee joints. eaten in bed, scooped up with a finger, reading a darkly hilarious book, unearthed from the mustiness of the neighbourhood library.

i did not realize i ate so little today. also, i've forgotton how calming it is to make lists.

things that i learnt today:

- it is crucial to press the bus bell thing because the bus driver will NOT stop at the school bus stop despite his bus carrying near a dozen of cjc people. it is not his fault i suppose; he must be stoned from the routine and early morning. so what does this goes to show! early mornings are not good for you becaue it zonks out the mind, and age does not matter! you will be zonked whether you're 17 or 47.

- it is actually nice to walk along the shoulder lane of the expressway, because of all the wind. so despite the carbon monoxide, it is nice.

- i do not care much about you-know-who anymore. or to be more accurate, as much. or maybe, it's just today hmm. doesn't matter.

- it is disturbing to hear your art teacher say, "i don't know what i'm doing with my life either", especially when you only said i don't know what i'm doing because you were referring to your painting. it is quite bleak when the truth that we'll never reach a point of certainty is shoved in the face, grk.

- how very little of the 'significant' things i learnt today actually comes from the lessons i actually went through. ironic, considering we spend most of the time in school, and how very little it matters now! like the 0 Levels; who gives a shiet now? it's over and all that is left is a stupid number that dictates the next few number of your life. what is the point of academia?! augh it never matters in the end.

- the book i read today imparted me with the thinking that when you have a fatal disease, WHAT disease it is ceases to in importance because it doesn't matter. a rough quote from the book (because i cannot be bothered to run up to bedroom to get it) "What was this illness? I am not going to tell you because it doesn't matter!" and this was said by the third speaker narrative when the protagonist's mother is dying. sooper whimsical, and the book is full of these kind of interjections - wonderfully and insanely profound. it is a book of darkly amoosing ramblings that make sense!!

- oranges are a sensory pleasure to eat when you peel away the white stringy layer on the individual wedges so that all is left is the naked pulp. according to zara, i'm stripping away all the vitamin C hmm nothing's perfect.

The End.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

things that i need to learn:

a) not to blog when you don't have much to say actually
b) not to procrastinate (malay and gp homework augh aaaaaugh)
c) not to procrastinate by blogging.

also, i need to figure out why i do not have much to say when actually, there is. so much that i want to say, and i suppose i'm waiting for the right time and the right person - so obviously this blog, as much as i try to keep it a honest representation of myself, it is not the avenue.

how strange.

i am not used to this feeling of keeping things to myself, what i used to do was to wear my heart (auugh cliche alert!) on my bloody sleeve. what makes this whole thingy even more..odd is the paradoxical nature of this situation. its a tad frustrating and sad i guess that i don't think there is anybody who completely understands me at this current period of time (unlike, well, last time lah) and on the other hand, there's this almost bitter smugness that smirks oh hah you think you know me so well, pbbt.

i am guessing that the lattar voice belongs to my inner, marginal but still significant, misanthrope.

oh but i should be so happy! that's what i realize everytime i sink into these melancholic musings. also, shut up yanti shut up! but then again, despite every other positive-ish thing that i'm going through, i cannot help but dwell on a certain issue that really lah, it unsettles me. it leaves me uneasy and i'm not sure what to do, and the thing is, i think that the resolution, if it exists, it has to come from myself.

i wish she would talk to me. there, i said it.

on a lighter note - and a sigh of relief choruses from the readers! i went to sentosa with 1t01 today, twas fun. DID NOT GET BURNT --> this is good, it means i have learnt my lesson and therefore, am not completely dense =) the water was really pretty today, very aquamarine. i wonder why, natasha says that hoohoo maybe they put in chlorine in the water but nyiaaaargh sentosa is not /that/ artificial right? right. but you know, the day's weather was perfect, the water was beautiful, we were missing a tedious and painfully tiring looooong day in school - things were going so well! how can this be? i'll tell you why:

the water today had a lot of those itty-bitty sea critters that bite/sting you and it really hurts! grk. they are normally around, yes i know, and i'm not a softie okay. today's onslaught of these naaaaaaaaasty plankton was exceptionally bad. we're swimming to the platform or just floating around and we'd be like, ow. ow. swim faster - ow. ow. maybe it was the high tide, because i think the last time it was half as bad, i was swimming in the morning as well. stupid plankton. why are they so meaan? ruined the first bit of swimming *rowr* had red bumps on spots where they bit me.

maybe it's the plankton's way of saying: hah you bunch of naked apes! though we're small, we can still cause alotta pain, take that you buggers! or, maybe it liked aaaaugh new theory! candice's sunblock. maybe. most of us were using her's, and it's the kind that smells really yummy and tasty - at least, it did to me. it smelt edible! like wonderfully, artificially flavoured bubblegum =)

you know, i think having a three-day work week really agrees with me. last week, i skipped wednesday, and we didn't have school on friday. this week, monday and tuesday. i feel much more calm. hmm, seemingly. actually, am quite niggled by the thought of all the missed lessons, and uh, facing my malay teacher. *nods sadly* it's my Inner Hermione. she just refuses to go away, and with the relative success of the O's, she been nagging not to be complacent. pbbt, i say.

aiya i can't keep this semblance of whimsical rambling up anymore. i'm sad today, despite yes, i had fuuuuuuuun at sentosa and candice's, which uh, makes me feel quite guilty for (is it?) this indulgence. but i am. pbbt!

Saturday, March 05, 2005


izyanti is a bitter bitter person. she supposes it would help if she knew why exactly she's feeling this sentiment but as of now, she really does not know. this also confuses her since everything is seemingly going well for her. WHY IS SHE..twitchy?

maybe it's because she sees people around her who are unhappy, and she's (or was) happy and now wonders why she is/was.

people are going away from her life! YES. that is it, the reason, or part of it, for her twitchiness. she's nervy that soon she'll have nobody because well, she's not that stupid to kid herself - things never last forever anyway. why is everyone going away, and why am i still here?

so much for keeping things detached and in the third person. why is everyone going away.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

i suppose it is time to update.

what is there to say though?

the euphoria of the O Levels is over, and i am glad. contented, thankful, for what i got. for the first time in four years, i think i finally got the results that my effort deserved.

trash-picking CIP at sungai buloh was cancelled due to the hevay rain. flash flood! nobody was willing to die for CIP.

people are going away, which leaves me quite sad. have not heard from some people in a long time, and i quite miss them. the people that i see relatively often, well, things are not the same anymore anyway. am rather sombre tonight. i wonder why.

heavy things unneccesarily weighing me down.


it is strange how fiercely loyal to cjc i can already be, at times. charmaine's been asking around about cjc, and was..alarmed by all the negative commentary that she received. the typical 'cjc has a bad reputation', 'highest abortion rates!!' etc. okay, so fine, am not so sure about the lattar comment but am pissed about the first one! the people i met are generally nice and are hardly the havoc sluts/whores that this false notion implies. grk!

then, was also miffed when her mum felt that if it came down between JJC and CJC, she might as well pick the first since it's nearer and both are average. i don't think we're averaaaage! i suppose i'm being quite biased but nevertheless, i really believe what i say. we have great teachers (econs excluded, for obvious reasons hurhur) and an environment that has the right balance of fun and mugging. of course i say this with the complete awareness that this might only apply to me since it is after all, my opinion, but still! the point is, I LIKE IT HERE. yes - more than i did in bp when it comes down to the actual learning.

i may whine and moan at the workload and tiring onslaught of lessons, but i find that at the end of it, i still enjoy it. again, this excludes econs tutorials lah, hurhur.

man, why do i feel like i'm talking in circles?

it would be nice to have a wand and *poof* make everything all right.