so..what problems do you have?

this question popped up while we were just sitting at starbucks with my CAP friends. and it unexpectedly left me [and i think most of us] quite stumped.

i thought of a few and it all sounded so trivial that i wisely decided to keep them to myself. you know, typical teenage angst.

i suppose this is a good way to un-depress myself when the need arises. i shall ask myself, "so iz..what are your problems?". i will then talk to myself and i will realize that i am being petty and should be a better person and remember how much more people are suffering out there and then i shall feel guilty for being so self-centered etc and will then, hate myself.

hmm. so scrap that idea.

problems..problems. i think i'm better at listing out my flaws.

-my perfectionistic trait.
this is usually a good thing in most people but it's rather destructive for me. why? because a LOT of times, i am simply lazy and yet, i still get kinda upset when i flunk etc.
and also because i am a perfectionist at times, i can get pretty bossy when doing projects and friends usually avoid me because of this. so recently, i've avoided being the "leader" and let my friends take the steering wheel which i realize now, is quite torturous. i do NOT like being the one being delegated tasks. i do NOT like having to go along with an idea i dont particularly like since not being leader, i am less able to convince people to see my point of view. i like to delegate, to come up with the general concept and to see how with everybody's work, it gets refined into the end product. i much prefer co-ordinating and seeing how from nothing, it becomes SOMETHING because of our hard work.
AND. being a perfectionist means i find it hard to be criticized, pointing out the imperfections of my work. i KNOW it's imperfect and i'm unhappy that it is so and for others to point it out as well, makes me feel even worse. even though i know it's important and oh-so-constructive and yadda yadda yadda. i force myself to be put in a position to be criticized because well, it improves your work but trust me, i hate hearing every single syllable of it. but i need it SO.

-obsessive.
this nicely co-incides with the above. not healthy, a complete waste of time and sometimes because of my dwelling habits, i fall into the deep end so to speak.

-anti-social.
at school, a lot of people have the misconception that im snobby because of this. they see me being crazy and friendly with my best buds but totally ignoring others. it's not that i don't like them, but i dont find the experience ugh, i don't know how to explain. i'm just not the kind to strike a conversation out of nowhere even if i've been in your lit class for 2 years. i just can't make myself do it, i find it awkward.



are these considered problems?

i suppose i'm quite happy at school. i'm taking all the subjects i like and not taking the ones i can /never/ take without losing my sanity[geog/amath/physics]. i have all the friends i need. i'm not popular and not high up on the social ladder but im pretty sure im not a wallflower. my grades are not scraping the bottom of the barrel and though their not great, i know it's cuz i dont work hard enough. nobody has a particular hatred for me. i've learnt how to ignore all those bitchy cliques and just get along with life.

home life is pretty fine too. sure, the common friction with the Parental Authorities but nothing to kill myself over. my parents don't hate me and they certainly care about me *phew*. and my mudder is pretty tolerant of my crazy antics *PHEW*. she understands why i get into trouble at school and is pretty sympatathic as well.

geez, it sounds almost perfect doesnt it? i know people who are going through heavy stuff like ostracization [cant spell. sorry], bullying, and Wallflower-itis at school and even worse stuff at home like abuse, neglect or just complete arseholic parents. i feel guilty.

for being fine and all. and yet, still i get depressed.
*slaps herself*
LIKE GEEZ, I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. gawd, i am such a loser. i should get a grip and stop being so self-indulgent and immature.
oh gawd.
please, the next time i go into my Dark Corner, please grab me by the collar and give me a tight slap. i might just kill you as a result though. just a warning.
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aprilmadCAPouting.

i think generally, we were muchos annoyed by the fact that we didn't get to watch the movie we wanted, let alone sneak into The Passion. like, bummer.
so we watched Twisted. a movie i didn't even KNOW was showing. geez. it was pretty good i think but the start of it was horrid. it was all disjointed and didnt make much sense. and it didn't help that we missed the first 10 minutes or so. and i got "please shut up!"ed at. oops. but i/we just had a LOT to say. i'm sorry Singapore Audience, but there's always a commentary going on in my head and when with company, i automatically share this commentary. i know it's an annoying trait but oh well. i'm just not a very quiet person.

merf.

um um what happened next? ah yes, we went kino. matthew was mean to me. AND just as i decided that i shall be a Nice Person to him because my best friend says he's a Nice Person so i should not be sarcastic and tease him anymore since he is my Friend. after today, i henceforth shall revert to my old self and mercilessly taunt him because hah, he does the same thing to me. it's a strange friendship.
and i felt thoroughly lost at kino, specifically when we were wandering at the poetry section. it really just hammered in how un-cultured i am. gawd. i recognized the poets but urgh.

yadda yadda yadda, we went to starbucks. yum mocha frapp. felt really bad when i had to leave. i honestly had to tear myself away from the conversation. how very the annoying.
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grk. i have to go and sleep early. because my parents want me to. my mudder just told me to "go to bed early". augh augh augh. must NOT think about it. ai-yeeeeeeee!!
i wonder if you guys know what i'm so horrified about