Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I have malay eyes
a malay nose
a malay mouth
chinese eyelashes
chinese boobs*
malay height
malay hair
and a malay bum.

*Seriously though, most malay boobs I've seen are huge. There was this girl I saw once poured into a tank top and the tops of her boobs were jiggling. Like, how is that?

I will never know.

But! Speaking of racial compartmentalization.

Do you know that it really does aggravate me seeing mainly chinese/oriental women in ads, or in articles touting asians as the next big thing in fashion and modelling?

Because then, I mentally go: O hey I'm asian but I don't look like that!

It is just a small, disquieting feeling when you supposedly don't fit into the minority group that you always had identified yourself with, because you then realize how much of a minority you are in the minority group itself. Very odd, but part and parcel.

And then there's the whole representation of female asian beauty being exemplified by tall willowy oriental girls, which sure, did a lot of good for me in my angsty, not-so-stable esteem days of being 15 years old.

Which! I suppose in retrospect, might answer why in Sec 3/4 I found myself distancing a little from Charmaine because I think being with her constantly made me feel a little uncomfortable with me being and looking different. Who knew right? Ah the uncomfortable perspective that history offers.

Not an issue now though, so don't get all up in arms. I am cool and chillin' in my own skin.

Monday, April 28, 2008

And then I suddenly realized!

I love being single.

(Well yes, despite present, possible ambiguities.)

Occurred to me when I dropped by a friend's lj and how she noted that in seeing her boy off to the NS Departure made her tear up, it really reminded me of when I went through the exact same thing some time last year.

And how it was a long, tedious affair that seemed to unnecessarily drag on, but then the day after, holy geez did I feel the loss or what. Especially because prior to that, we were of course hanging out everyday so when he was gone (for what, 2 weeks lol) I could absolutely feel the absence in my life.

It was an absence! A void! Another individual's existence affected my own mental state that much, wow.

And I am so glad that is now gone. You know how some shampoos promise you tangle-free hair?

Yeah that's me alright, tangle-free.

It is nice to be emotionally clean for once, and not have strings so firmly tied to another person where it feels like you're living the lives of two people. Oh to be guiltlessly, relatively self-centered once more!

There's a difference you know - caring very much for your close friends and family, and being in a relationship where try as you much, you somehow become more or less, a symbiotic..thing. I suppose relationships have this close proximity thing that just amplifies everything and I guess I just don't like how intense it can get sometimes. Like ease off, back away! No!

Sigh I suppose all the post-relationship* trauma is coming out of the woodwork now.

Question is: How do people get married at this rate?

*isn't that a nicer word than break-up?

Monday, April 21, 2008

I guess what I didn't want to say was that I miss you. Or even more so, what's triggering it.

4:55AM and I'm talking nonsense. I bet you still come here. You're even more nostalgic than me, and it used to annoy me incredibly! Why do you hold on to things so much, I always wanted to say that but never did. I think I know now though. Even then, pre-emptively, you knew how easily things slip away and I suppose you were always aware of the loss. Maybe that's how you saw us, always through the frame of what was. And I always let go, very often and very easily. I thought it was a virtue.

Maybe not, maybe not.

And oh, The Great Spy Experiment's Late Night Request is so much more appropriate, melody-wise at least.

Doomsday is an AMAZINGLY-RIDICULOUS movie! Yes, quite literally, in that order. Everybody should watch it, extremely high in entertainment value and value for money! All the movie genres you could ever want rolled into a single movie ticket!

It is a zombie, political satire, apocalyptic, medieval, action, punk-anarchist,
Gladiator-esque,futurist, LOTR-Middle Earth, and James Bond-ish with a car chase sequence where the car remains impossibly shiny and unscathed! Despite driving through a bus!


Monday, April 14, 2008

This is not right at all of course. I downed the can of coffee at 3AM to rush my art history essay/exam, not blog. But such are the impulses at 4.54 in the morning.

And besides, I have been feeling particularly, internally verbose recently. You know the feeling - phrases and sentences emerging and floating around in my head..the kind too silly and pretentious to say out loud but from my perspective at least, have a delicacy that I want to make tangible. I have not felt this way in a long, long time, which only serves to confirm what I always feared.

And besides, I've finally succumbed to Aini's badgering for me to blog, and what is more convincing than a bag of surprisingly rich and conveniently bite-sized chocolates? And a really pretty pocket mirror! That I resolve to look at because it is so cute, but not look in because it makes me look so VAIN lah, and the magnifying mirror is also a horrifying mirror. It makes me want to run home and hide myself under a pile of SKII face masks ha! If I use them in the first place, which I don't.

Are you sure you miss this rambling Aini?

It has been a very good month.

From now on, this is the yardstick for what constitutes a good month:
- being accepted into a school that you have long considered the holy grail of art schools; whether this thing is true or not is another thing entirely so SHUSH
- a 3.1 Phillip dress as a *SURPRISE* birthday present
- a *SURPRISE* birthday present from an ex-boyfriend, and you actually, finally, really do like the present, which you makes you happy and a bit more sad.
- weekends spent with lovely, close friends, in strange places and really, just being away from school
- buzzing from the utter gratification of finding out something that is somewhat related to something I've been harbouring since i was what, 16.

I don't think another month like this is likely to come by anytime soon. It's just too good!

It does not take much to make me happy. Lying down on warm ground, facing the sky and open space, and stepping on a daytime moon! That's all it takes, really. Its this tentative, tentative feeling of new possibilities and nuances of reciprocation that make me feel at ease and filled with lightness, and maybe quiet triumph ha! I don't know where things are heading, or even if its heading anywhere at all but I don't care. Here is good.

I was going up the escalator from the City Hall MRT station towards Raffles City and it was raining. And you know, the heavy rain against the glass ceiling made the glass look like a sheath of sparkling light. Never noticed that before.

I'm still buzzing, buzzing. Things* are going so well I can't quite believe it.

*Hopefully this will include my Art History exam happening the day after tomorrow, of which I am concretely, under-prepared for. SIGH.