a short note.

ah. religion.

i think i didn't mention that tomorrow's Event happens to be kinda a religious one which is perhaps, a good deal why i am not very enthusiastic about.

i am..in much confooosion about my religion. i truly and will always believe in God and the prophet so i don't think i need to question the strenght of my faith. wait - actually, i think i need to. i think i've been needing to for a long time but always avoided doing so because well, i'm afraid of the answer that i might come up with.

i'm afraid that by questioning myself to much, i might come to a conclusion that i don't /want/ to have.

you see, being a muslim, i was BORN into the religion. i didn't choose to be [sudd. realized my mudder wud muchos be not happy is she sees this post], it was integrated into my life without much protest. it was expected of me to go along with it and yes, i DO believe in the concept of islam. it's just that...there are times i question and beg to differ with a lot of other stuff that is part of my religious classes and this is bad because the environment i'm in frowns upon disagreement. to disagree would be coming close to rejecting islam and hence, god.
but that's not what i'm doing or want to do.

one strong point i've always disagreed about is studying the hadith which is the Prophet's sayings. he himself in his life, has always reminded everyone else that he is a mere human and should not be glorified and yet, now we're memorizing his quotes? geez. AND how..credible can this quotes be? it could esily be hear-say couldn't it? and clerics make rules according to what they infer from these quotes. isn't it oh-so-possible that their inferences could be well, wrong? and that anyway, the quotes were made EONS ago and would it still be relevent today?

and the tudung. weekly on sunday, i put it on to go to my classes. but i've never felt good about putting it on. no, it's not about the "isn't it stuffy and uncomfortable?". it's the concept. i don't believe/agree right now with the idea of wearing one although the philosophy for wearing one i think is sensible and quite noble. the main point is, I don't want to wear one and yet, i put it on. first of all, i feel like a hypocrite and second, i feel like i'm making a mockery of the whole thing because while i'm wearing it, all i think about is "why am i doing this? i don't want to.".

the whole idea of 'forcing' religion upon someone...really puts me off. it sickens me to know that in religious classes and church, there are people who are there although they don't want to and that they are rejecting every second of godliness for the simplae fact that it was forced on them.

religion shouldn't be like that.

it should be something and somewhere you choose to be. that is what it's all about isn't it? finding salvation after searching. not having a religion because you're supposed to.

like i've said before, these days, i'm never sure about anything anymore.