Sunday, February 29, 2004

of Parents.

i have a rather embarassing confession to make.

i am still deathly intimidated by my dearest Father. proof would be that i refer to the woman who gave birth to me as mudder, but him as Father. emphasis on the capital letter.

i feel reduced to a 5 year old everytime he lectures/scolds me. the funny thing is, it's not that the content is..mortally potent. it's typical parental blah but it's his Voice and Tone!
when i was a kid, i was so afraid of him that just the "yanti!" he boomed out would stop me in my tracks of the mischief-making i was about to do. serious. he reduces me to this trembling rabbit thing and it's not something i'm very proud off.

i'm still VERY much intimidated by him.

whenever he does his angry lecture thing, my heart does the thumping it does when i get caught in school for doing something for *coughcough* i shouldn't have done. and oh yes, don't forget the queasy stomach. i panic at the mere thought of confronting him when's he's angry. -sighs-

i think that's why i'm a bit intimidated by my DM. because he reminds me of my Father. i dont mind being caught/lectured by any of the other bitchy teachers or the principal. but when it's the DM, whoo flashback time!

but the funny thing is, he's actually a nice guy. my Father, not the ol' DM. ok, so my dad can be abit longwinded when he's making his speeches but he's funny in a lame way. he likes to that jazz doodeedooda thing but lame-ifying it and sings all this stupid songs and makes all these lame jokes. it's just when he goes into Disciplinarian Mode.


he's reasonable and everything..except when it comes to the topic about me going out.

which is why i left andrea's thing so early yesterday. because i thought my dad was in the car waiting and to endure his wrath was..a panic inducing thing. i was actually afraid tht my mum wud pass the phone over to my dad and i would panic and my face would show the dread and OMG-ness in front of everybody which would have mortified me. so i very, VERY reluctantly left.


which is why i prefer it when my dad works his afternoon shift so that when i come home in the evening/night/late, he wont be there to do his Angry Lecture thing.

which is why i miss out on a lot. dont you dare try tell me andrea's wasnt fun cuz i know it was. *sniffs*

it's so unfair. [uh-oh. sounding kinda Teen Angsty]

but you know what was really, REALLY unfair?? my mother got it wrong and picked me up EARLY yesterday! i kept telling her she had said 7, but oh she deniedeniedenied. only half way did she grudgingly admit that she /might/ have gotten in wrong! $%^$&$#&
i left w/o much arguing [hah! all i did was make little noises of protest] because i ddnt want to make a scene and because, well, i thought my dad was in the car.


i think i'll go find a nice little hole to crawl in now.
Random Bit: my GothName is Panic Queen. --durr-- but if i dont put in my last name, its Velvet Kisses. if i use iZ, it's Chaotic Kittie. strangely [or not], i prefer the first - it reflects my personality better. the rest seem a bit, tacky.

oh wait! if i put izzy, it's Dead Psycho!!! whoo!

here's another reason why i feel kinda guilty about ranting about my Father. he has recently offered me a hundred dollars for every A1 i get for my O's. like, whoa.

he honestly didnt have to.

so therefore, i want to re-inforce the fact that yes, my dad is a great Father. he does all his Fatherly responsibilities perfectly well. i just wished he would ease up on the Authoritarian Disciplinarian stance.

and yes, i know he has my best interests at heart. which is why, if you notice, i'm not doing the oh-so-typical teen angst screaming of "i hate my mum! i hate my dad! i hate [insert name here]! i hate the world!".


Wednesday, February 25, 2004

here again

things i've done for the past few days that i'm glad i did:

- i read [like, finally!] Girl, Interrupted. is it disturbing that i can like, totally relate to it? and is it like, disturbing that i like, sound like a bimbo? lol, im being stupid again.
i picked up the copy from my friend's desk - she had borrowed it from the library and didnt like it. [why??] things like that happen in my class, stuff like pagazines, cds get passed around so much in good nature that in the end you never know where it ends up. then you have to announce, for um, a thousand times that yes - i would like my stuff back now and most of the time, it mysteriously ends up on your desk again!
so, back to the book. it's truly fantastic. it's so..psychotic and logical at the same time. rational insanity. please tell me if you've read it that you ddnt find it *weird* cuz if you do as well, um, it means im the weird one. which is not so badd really, you should visit Weird Land. it's all psychedlic and silently noisy and full of people wearing vegetables.
times like these, i really wish i was the book-buying kinda person. sadly though, i have no moolah for this indulgence. and my library account is unuseble[?] because i owe them money. so i'm dependent on my friend's borrowed books which is rather disappointing since they like um, trash along the lines of...cheesy 'the girl who's a spy/psychic/cheerleader and is blonde, beautiful smart and oh dear! what a terrible life she leads!' kind of books. so.

-watching The Pianist again. i love that movie. and no, it is NOT because i like Adrien Brody. and yes, i know his nose is of epic proportions [it's kinda hard to miss, duh] but it's his charisma! his charisma! he's all broody [oooh, punny] and he has eyes tht are really nice.
and is that him really playing the piano in the movie? ..i never found out.
the point is, the movie is just so moving- like the part when he finally reunites with this piano but he cant play it so he just hovers his deft fingers over the keys and 'plays'.
...i have nothing to say other than the fact that it is a fantastic movie with great cinematography [is that wht they call it?] with good actors.

oh yes. there's this guy in my class who reminds everybody of Brody in the Pianist. he's tall, and has the similar look. and he CAN play the piano fantastically. i think he's a Grade 9-er. once, we bullied him into playing a bit for us on the piano and literally, all the girls SWOONED as the guys enviously looked on.
i've been wanting to rant about this for awhile.
there's this girl i know and her particular CCA requires her to watch her weight and her coach even insists on making them diet. the thing is, she's skinny. ok, not exactly sticks but DEFINITELY on the slim, sylph side.

it makes no sense.

this cca is actually PROMOTING eating disorders that's already so rampant. and it's not as if we're living in Ye Olden Days where stuff like anorexia and bulimia is reltively unknown. it's SHOVED in our faces day to day with it being featured in cheesy television teen dramas.
dammit, our FRIENDS suffer from it! that's how close it is and here they are promoting something that is althogether destructive physically AND mentally? it just makes no sense.

it's like..saying no, you shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you. oh but did you know it REALLY, REALLY FEELS GOOD? IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD. AND IF YOU THINK SMOKING'S HEAVENLY [well it is fatal] GO ON KIDDIES, TRY DRUGS! oh, but dont. their really bad. trust us, b.a.d. dont do it, BUT IT FEELS GOOD THOUGH.


do the school authorities know of this?? surely they've noticed that nearly all girls in that cca are unusually thin.

..though i wouldnt be surprised if they hadnt.
in lit again

it's another site, better lah. the addy is here because im too lazy to mail it to myself since i'll probab want to look at it mor thoroughly at home.

anyway, it was english just now and my teacher [here's to you Suzanna Lee!] realy miffed me. my classmate was saying the word fanatical used to describe the Japanese during WW2 can be replaced by 'patriotism' since they WERE fighting for their country. well, she disagreed- which in a way i agreed cause the japs were INVADING, not defending.

but that's not the point here.

in her self-righteous way, she told him,
"your content cannot be according to your own way [ie.opinion]. it must be according to the majority, the world majority."

other than being grammatically dodgy, the comment really leaves much to the supposed desire to encourage creative thinking.

a few moments later she said as we were writing down our answers, "you must not just write down what i say. you musn't copy blindly, you must think."

oh yes, of course suzie. it doesnt matter i suppose if we think only opinions that are actually YOURS but when it contradicts with you, duh, it's WRONG. i get it suzie.

i understand life now.

bugger it. then we were going through definitions of words and the word 'self-effacing' came up. she said it meant humble. hah. just to prove her wrong, i checked the dict; it meant inconspicuos [-i cant spell-]. so i told her and she insisited it meant the same thing. helloo? it's so not.
humble does not equal inconspicuos. it's different you complete self-righteous arse!! argh. she just irritates me.

oh yes. i volunteered for the Raffles Mock UN Conference thing. erm, it just occured to me what i got myself into. dumdeedeedum. --''

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

in school

it's lit lesson now. oh the joy of skiving off academic duties and responsibilities. we're supposed to be going through the summaries for 12th Night at this site and it's thoroughly pathetic. the summaries are...stripped of words. the very essence of the play itself. it's supposed to help those who have no idea what's going on since we usually go over the play line by line in miniscule detail which usually succeeds in boring us to death.

the thing is, i honestly do pefer the dark and morbid KOTC even though 12th Night, if analysed more properly is even more interesting. i don't like seeing it as a comedy. it seems...a bit trivial then. i find that humans use comedy to mask or sugar-coat the bitter and ugly sides of being human and 12th Night does this as well. it shows the ugly side of deception, and how we are trapped in our self-delusions. how we laught at people, being the sadistic creatures that we are.

but you know what? reading the stripped version does make it easier to comprehend. at least for the exams.
*definition: we'll be able to pass the exams because we'll know what the examiners want to hear. it won't matter that we'll be missing out on the deeper meaning of the text as long as we produce those A1s. it wont matter that we wouldn't have learnt how to actually analyse and DO literature because the truth is, all we need to do is to memorize and regurgitate.

and here's the thing. it does make school life so much easier. just to puke back out everything; it's easier than to actually think. --sighs--

it's the easy way out, and who doesnt like the easy path even though we know that's the less beneficial way? sad.

i'm babbling and ranting. i wish i wasnt so...multiple personality-ish. nah, i;m not that psycho. more like, multi-faceted just like everybody else. but sometimes, i wish i could just stick to ONE mood. it would ease the confusion muchos.
like today, i'm Quiet Izyanti. the one who stares blankly into space alot, walks around with a frown and murmers, not speaks.

sometimes, i'm Loud. it's fun beig Loud because along with it comes Crazy. it's happy and well, fun. but life as we know, can't be fun all the time so this mood comes and goes. it's times like these that produce Mooing moments, Geek Parading and general insanity. whee.

then there's the Mean me. it's similar to Quiet, except instead of being simply zonked out like i am now, all i do is simmer. sarcasm becomes my speech and a lot more meaner thoughts form in my mind. the only reason i dont say them is because i cant be bothered to hande the ruckus that all the hurt feelings would cause.

it's nice with my discman around. typing. tippity-tippity-tap. i cant hear tham's saying something but i cant hear her, people are playing online games but i cant hear their cries of exultation or defeat.

it feels like im home except the table's PINK and the computer a dusty grey.

and isnt that what people always want to feel? like their at home? ok, mebbe not all. not everybody likes being at home. but i do for one. that's the reason why i tend to bring my sweater around at school even when it's not particularly cold. it reminds me of hoooommmme. there's a certain /smell/ to it that's comforting. a mix of the laundry detergent, the perfume tht i occasionally wear and something else that just makes it mine.

it's Linus's blanket in Peanuts.

miney miney mine.

Monday, February 23, 2004

a moment of triumph

i ran My First 2.4km for this year. yay me!!

i suppose it doesnt sound much of a big deal if you dont know my pe habits. for the past few weeks, i havent gone for pe because a] i skip them or b] im genuinely sick. and when i DO go, i normally minus one or two round out of the required rounds and my teacher, good ol' Tom Chan doesn't notice. i mean, hello. this is the teacher who calls me Germaine because he mixes me up with my best friend, charmaine.
so anyways, i was pretty much exhilarated about it, even though it was a pathetic timing, im getting there baby! ...and to think i used to easily score A's in sec 1. they used to say that exercise leaves you recharged which i always dismissed as CRAP. but here's a newsflash to lazy bums like me: it's true. i was so adrenalined that i ran up the four storeys to my class! like, woah.

there is however a not so great side-effect to actually honestly and actively participate in pe, a red face. it's not a nice healthy flush. mine is the kind that looks...cartoony.

i like double-decker buses.

i hardly get to ride in them anymore, but i managed to do so the other day. ::contentment:: it was down this oldish road, and it was a non-airconditioned one so the wind was blowing in, and i could hear all the sounds was honestly to me, a moment of bliss. i've always loved bus rides, especially long ones going down routes i've never been to and when you're on the top's almost nirvana-like.

in fact, if i were to one day be a rich millionairess that i would never be, instead of a chaffeur driven limo, i would get a chaffeur driven double decker bus.

..oh wishful thinking..
i have a couple of friends who are busy talking about hopw they want to pierce their bellies sometime this year so that it would be perfectly healed by the time the O's are over and the "partaaaying" starts.

their really making a big deal about it and honestly, i think it's kinda stupid. i think it's stupid to throw away $60 just to get a piercing when in OUR situation, this amount of cash doesn't come very easily. i think it's very..trivial to be concerned about this matter. to be concerned about a piercing so that you'd look hot when you go chiong-ing in the near future.


i think it's kinda immature. there's SO much out there, to do, to experience and you're concerned about making another hole in your body? it's unnecessary and undeserving of such attention. my opinion is, if you want it, fine. but there's no need to make such a big deal of it lor. it seems childish to me.

or maybe it's just because im not very interested in "body art".

honestly, the whole concept of body art [to me] is rather adolescent in itself. i associate it with teenage rashness and rebellion. typical hormonal immaturity. so it should be something that you leave behind when you reach adulthood. it's a phase that is pretty ugly to carry on when you're mature and working. it makes it seem as if you haven't let go of your teenage years yet.

but then again, i do have a teacher who's got piercing and really cool tattoo on the small of her back [that we once in awhile lift her top to take a sneak peek] and she rawks. she's a fantastic person, and really open-minded and i suppose her image helps in our rapprt with her.
so at this point, i'm a tad..confused. on one hand, my teenage self is saying, woah cool. on the other hand, [specifically excessive] body art give me the impression of a rather lame wannabe person.


you know what? i realize that when i refer to people who are immature and continue being immature past teenagehood, im actually talking bout lians and bengs. it's my personal prejudice towards them. So.
since we're on this topic, let's bring it on to a new level. Chiong-ing.

a couple of my friends have managed to sneak in and although they clearly enjoyed themselves, their descriptions of the supposedly hip place doesn't appeal to me AT ALL.

smoky, dark, crowded.
loud, thumping TECHNO music.
drunk people snogging other random clubbers.


nope. i honestly doubt it would ever be my lifestyle. it just doesn't seem fun to me. i mean, it sounds like hell. not in the religious-y way. but generally. i consider it hellish. yeeach.
hah, mebbe i'll pop in one day just out of curiousity. i dont think i'll last 10 minutes. by the time i actually get in, you'll see me clambering outdoors for fresh air and open spaces.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

ladeeda..i think life as a musical would be fun. what song would you sing?..ladeeda

flag day yesterday.
woke up late. rushed there. without my discman. waitd for ages for the rest to turn up so we could collect our tins. then harassed these kids [who were akshulli in SEC and i had loudly commented how they were so..goody which was alright since they were in PRIMARY school. my bad.] queuing up to collect THEIR tins and managed to persuade them to drop in a couple of coins.
they actually listened to my good/bad karma crap and how they'd be rejected later so they shouldn't reject me. then their teacher chased us off. pah. she's just sour grapey that HER students dont know how to harass properly, the naive little things they are.

wandered into a bus and dropped off around the lakeside wet market. not bad lah, it was quite funny whe we were at the coffee shop and one person clinked a coin into our tins and sudd nearly everybody was all 'eh! girl, come here!' kinda weird but not complaining.
had lunch around there. we ate at 10 in the morning cuz it FELT like 12-ish and olnly realized how early we were half-way through. the food looked deceptively good. yeech. the prawns were SOSO salty!!! and geez, im the kinda person who LIKES eating the sushi soy sauce once the sushi's all gone and if i thought it was HORRIDLY and UNBEARABLY salty, it was. i scraped of all the gravy and bit into it and realized that the prawn gad ABSORBED the salt.

it was a salt-soaked prawn. nuh good.

on a happier and more materialistic note, i bought a nice skirt at the PASAR there. its this black tulle fairy/ballet-ish calf-length thing. nicenice. now i just need my boots. later on at night, i tried it on and started leaping and twirling around just to see the skirt swish around. ::bimbo:: but whateverrrr. it's the little things like that that make me happy SO. ooh, and my aunty splurged Body Shop make-up stuff on me the other day so yay freebies!

..realized that i COLLECT make-up, but i generally dont use it much. like the way i buy bags. oh welly well.

the ACJC carnie was....unfun. contrary to the events' name funorama. cuz it wasnt. it was hot. and crowded. and the games although fun-looking, were designed so that victory would be near impossible. and the prizes kindly put, sucked. i think the students who were holding the event were the ones having fun, not the ones who attended.
the only time i actually had fun was when i black marker-ed "poke me and hear me moo" on my balloon and cow jokes started flying around. i like my cow-fish hybrid: mooble. and one of my friends got annoyed with all the mooing + the moo version of alicia key's You Don't Know My Name [mooo-ooo-oo.....Moo don't know moo name] and told me to shut up or she would - at this point charmaine cut in and said "smack me in the udders". it totally cracked us up which realy annoyed her and she started poking me as we ran across the road. quite a funny sight. this short girl chasing another with a red balloon going "moo! owow, moooooo!". and she did smack me in the udders. ow.

i DDN go to HCJC dramafest. bummer. lethargy really induces stupidity. i reaced there WAAAY early from the disaster that was the ACJC carnival thing and i was kinda cranky. i was alone with a red helium balloon and feeling really stupid. then kass msged and told us she couldnt make it, so more bummer-ness. *sighs* so i called matt and told him i wudn be going and met up with charmaine at orchard for dinner. later on, matt wud keep on rubbing in the fact that it WAS good and that i had foolishly CHOSEN not to go. hah, well then matthew, you DDN discourage me for not going when i called and all YOU did was whine about the "dilemma" you were in since you couldnt contact haz and wibblewibblewibble. YOU ddn discourage me etc so hah! im not making sense although in my twisted and irrational mind i do, so anyways, hah!

so i met up with my bestest bestest friend charmaine [who wanted to see her name in a blog entry so here it is] and went for dinner. halfway through, we decided to suck in the helium and proceeded to do loud chipmunk renditions of Britney/christina Greatest Hits in the middle of delifrance much to the amusement of the people at the next table. funnn.

i roamed around kino for awhile and flipped through a few graphic arts books. *sighs* i wanna be a graphic designer. it's so fun but i dint think i have enough talent/vision/discipline to go into that field. darn.
anyways, quite predictably, i came across a good number of sexually explicit pictures that had in some cases, crossed the line from being tasteful and artfully done to just plain trashy. the good ones were good, and rather mind-blowing. but the bad ones, merf. nudity to cover up the lack of innovation. since they cant come up with anything radical, they sensationalize by sticking a naked person there. typical.

Friday, February 20, 2004

must keep reminding myself

merf. another flag day to face!!!!!

it gets sickening.

mandatory volunteerism. what a complete oxymoron.

Monday, February 16, 2004

"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." -Douglas Adams
fairies, queens and butches

there was this blog post i came across. about supporting gay marraiges - no, i am not homophobic. i am passive which basically means my befuddled mind has not been able to make a clear decision on where i stand.

the point of my entry is that someone replied to this post, and since it was a Livejournal blog, they all have these little display pics and this girl's was a tatu photo. i find this incredibly ironic.

i think she has conveniently forgotten that tatu's lebianism is a GIMMICK. so to everybody who's cheering tatu on for their pro-homosexuality stand, get a grip and smell the stink of the music industry.
the two tatu girls ARE hetero mind you. they just 'converted' for publicity and doesn't this hello? make a MOCKERY of homosexuality?

it's fucked-up i tell you.

if you want openly homo public figures, you've got the Pet Shop Boys, that boyzone guy, george michael. and Elton John.

yes yes, i know Elton John's not 'cool' and he wears those sunglasses because his eyes cant take the gaudiness of his own outfits but STILL.

it's better than cheering on pseudo-lesbians snogging just for publicity.

it cheapens the whole concept of homosexuality, don't you think? lesbianism's become a joke really. and i suppose that people nowadays don't take it seriously, in a twisted way, it's becoming more accepted which IS good. i think. but it just feels weird to..poke fun at it.

like it's disrespectful.

*shrugs* ..maybe i'm delving too deep into it, but yeah.

my mudder is..obessed/upset over my supposedly malfunctioning bowel system. my opinion is and i HAVE told her that hey, i've known and lived wih it for 16 years and i'm still going on with my life. i don't think it deserves that much attention.

why the complaining? cuz now she's feeding me Healthy Food ie. oatmeal, wholemeal and other stuff that i wish were not part of my meals. if you want me to have so much fiber in my diet, just pass me a sock and i'll chew it peacefully in my room while i contemplate life in the pastures with the cattle.

what i dislike even MORE, is that now she's gotten me worried. i've always thought i was fine and that other ppl went through the er, same situation. but i suppose not.
and it is highly suspected that i am anaemic since according to her, my palms and soles are always unnaturally pale and i am so weak and frail most of the time. i've always "wanted" to go for a blood test to see if she was right and also FINALLY find out my bludde type but always shuddered and crept away at the thought and vivid visualizations of gleaming needles.

it's like now in this period of crisis she notices how thin i am and how lethargic i feel.
last time in her opinion, i was lazy and when i lifted my shirt to show my untoned ie. flabby tummy, she nodded and agreed.

it's a weird world.

the rather inconvenient thing is that i am now questioning the state of my health as well. i've always known i wans't very fit as my pe teacher would so readily attest. im starting to re-think the way i consume sugar like it's rice. oh man.

if i start being all health-nut and all, the fun in my life will be sucked out.
how many years more do i have to live?? ..sounds a bit funny for a barely 16 year old kid to be asking this but seriously. i have what?

55++ years??

do you KNOW how short that is?? it is when you're a history student, ok!

it is VERY short.

 more wasting time

you know, i've managed to find a lot of nice layouts [and yes, half of them are Emily ones] that i really want to try out but my bad habit of being hesitant to let go of things i already like is stopping me.

how melodramatic.

..but it's true.

i changed back my layout because the one i tried out was horrid although the graphics were nice. it didnt have all the tables i need and i have no idea how to make my own. i think my archives were hiding underneath the tagboard in that one. oh well.

AND, i do want to try out all the layouts that are NOT emily but cue - uber reluctance.

and i even have a couple of horrendously PINK and avril ones that i wna try out mebbe for a couple of days just for the fun of it.

..mebbe i WILL for Halloween.


 ..for some reason that my half-working mind has not been able to fathom, i wished i hadn't posted up my last entry.

it reeks of self centeredness, does it not?

and i probably /shouldn't/ have blabbed about my -dilemma- with a certain "friend". it just doesnt seem proper.

but hah! i shall blame my possible miscreantcy on the unexpected side-effects of paracetamol battling with whatever evil-doing amoeba cousins residing in my body right now. nope, nop it ain't my fault. *whistles innocently*

i suppose this is where i go again having a circular argument about where the line needs to be drawn in the topic of privacy and blogging. oh the boring tedious conundrum of ethics.
you know what? i think that merely stating my intention about discussing this topic once again will suffice. i am too lazy [not going to school on school days has this effect on people] to type ethics babble that people probably just zoom through so yeah. i HAD the intention to write it so you guys can just imagine what i probably have said, ya? visit my archives if your memory needs refreshing.

random bit of Randomness

i have always thought it would be a good idea for the human race to be annihilated and to let the amoebas/cattle take over the world.

it would also probably a good idea to start on my work that now /unfortunatelu\y/ i am feeling muchos better. there goes my convenient excuse for slacking. damn.

one thing that i am happy about is that i've recently been able to catch up with my sleep debt. in the past 2 days or so, i've had several naps during the day and long sleeps at night that were not interrupeted by the fact that i had to wake up pre-dawn for trivial matters like school. [although i have been having an increase in fairly strange dreams. as long as their not nearing 'disturbing', i'm ok.]

so i am now filled with the euphoria of NOT being sleep-deprived and this has somehow numbed the Panic function that /should/ be in hyperdrive right now since i DO have a lot of work to catch up on.

oh welly well.

i am also rather pleased [as opposed to my art piece] over the photos ive recently taken for this competition. if i could somehow figure out how to post it here, i would. but seeing that i am most definitely iT-inept, oh well.

Sunday, February 15, 2004


..i haven't blogged it what feels like ages. probably cuz ive been feeling pretty crappy. you know the vicious cycle when you stay up to do work and feel more tired then when you take a anooze to catch up on sleep debt, ur work piles up even more? then you stay up even later and end up feeling even more tired?


and it does horrid things for the immune system. i just got better froma bout of cold and i'm currently sick AGAIN. and when you're sick, ur work piles up even MORE.

i should have realized someting wasn't right when i felt queasy after eating those instant noodles and when i took a nap and was SO tired that though my mind awoke, i couldn't open my eyes. geez, that never happened before.

so i'm buried underneath a pile of work and the pile is getting uncomfortably dusty and heavy. argh.

i spent the very much hyped-up V-Day with a nice metal tin destined to be filled up with coins. we went in the morning and went to FOUR different wet markets. the people at Limbang [Yew Tee] were the most grumpy and Gombak was the most generous. funny how they were more willing to part with $2 notes than the people i met at Orchard last year.

i noticed a funny thing. there are SO many people out there complaining of datelessness that i'm pretty sure the majority of people here ARE without dates so WHO CARES? if there are that many people spending the day alone, it means you're not alone because you're particularly pathetic etc. you're just like the majority out there. lol.

does that make it better?

maybe not. but hey, wouldn't you rather spend it alone/with friends than go out with somebody you have to pretend you're at LEAST interested in? merp, just give me a nice load of candy and some good movies and i'm happy.

you know, it could be that. the candy i mean. the reason/cause of my stomach upset.
too many Hershey Kisses, lollies, various choccies and candies ingested in one single day.

oh welly well.

i am disturbed.

i have this friend who's not really a friend. people and i suppose she herself think we are good friends but i don't like her. she can be a total bitch sometimes and i've recently been keeping away from her for obvious reasons. but i've always said that though i strongly dislike her most of the time, if she needs me i would be there for her.

she comes from an...abusive family background. so i do feel protective of her sometimes. i understand why she all these negative character traits and what caused them and i DID endure them for a looong time. but then i realized that I don't deserve having to go through all her bitchiness. right?

well, ANYWAY. she's been putting herslef into a very dangerous situation recently and knowing her, she will continue doing so until something really drastic and HORRID happens and i don't want to see her learn her lesson the hard way.

the thing is, i'm not supposed to know. [yes, thank the ever-present grapevine.]

but i feel OBLIGED to say something, to help her before her acts of complete stupidity ruin her life.

and i also know that whatever i say would simply bounce off her but i have to at least try.


because if something /does/ happen {touch wood}, i know i will end up blaming myself and wishing i had done something instead of being the casual observer. *shudders* i don't think i could bear seeing her life ruined when she has so much potential by raging, rash and unci\ontrollable hormones. i NEED to help her.

even if she doesn't want it.

Friday, February 13, 2004

the nightmare before valentine's

i was at 77th Street today and i received trauma in return. why?

they had an Emily purse.

it's prescence there is not the matter - wait, it is. i'm not horrified because I have it already so i don't really care in that sense. the point is, everything 77th Street sells turns mainstream!!!!!

egads, my nightmare might be coming true.

please join me in a prayer to the Person Up There, pleading that hopefully somehow, they'll stop selling Emily stuff. maybe, someHOW, the merchandise will burst in self-combustion the moment they are contaminated by the gods of singapore's mainstream retailer?..

this is quite upsetting. i'm not sure it's very rational/reasonable but i can't stand the idea of someone who doesn't worship Emily getting her stuff. i suppose it's selfish and very possessive. i know she not my property but euch, i cant stand -trendy- people getting in because it's 'in' and looks cool and not because they share her outlook on life.

yes. i know i'm over-reacting.
and being immature as well but hey, who cares? lol.

i have more to say but i dont have enuff time. notes on Friday the 13th/skule V-day 2ml and a sorta dilemma im facing. um. yes, it's more 'depthful' than my dislike of 77th selling Emily stuff so.


- "dateless, and lovin' it. say anything and i'll stuff my sour grapes up sour delicate nostrils."

- "i'm not sure what day i'm on, but it's not today."
said when discussing how my friend felt it was friday instead of wed and another said she still felt 2 days behind time.

- "anyhow draw, it's still a potato"
bio drawing session. yay stem tubers and other root vegetables!

merh, it doesnt sound funny here but it really cracked us up then.

oh well.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

 i really shouldn't be blogging

i am overloaded with work. erm, is there such a word? i don't think it comes with an "-ed". oh wtf.

my brain is all buzzy, my schedule is uncomfortably packed and my eyes are tired. noooo....reality has once again kicked me in the arse. it is my O Level year.

ANYWAY, i blogged because i want to comment on a MSN nick on my messenger. it goes something like "i waant v'day prezzies!! sobs" except more cutesyfied with all the letter replacements and mismatched lower/uppercase letters.

Grk. it just reeks of desperateness, it's pathetic! i can't believe she'll sink so loW to drive the hint home. WTF?? AND, it really shows how daft the guy she's aiming it at is if that's how blatant the message must be for him to get it.

it's sickening. her. the way she...i'm lost for words. my god.

it is muchos and uber SAD.

and it's sad as well how valentine's and other festivities are commercialized. it cheapens them and reduces their worth to dirt because we know that the only reason for the hype is money. it's not sincere enthusiasm.

the world is a sad place.

you know their talking about how we should increase our birth rate? well, my opinion is that one reason why rural ppl have more kids is bcause their lights-out is WAAY earlier. after 8 is ptch dark and basically, you dont have much to do and tv? reruns of Barney. how fun.

SO, they have more reason and time to *cough* copulate. hence and therefore, if singapore ever gets seriously desperate, what they should do is enforce black-outs at a certain period of time! woohoo.
and if things get really, REALLY bad...concentration camps! imagine nazi camp Treblinka [i still like this name]. numerous small rooms, barely furnished and a randomly picked out couple and don't you dare come out till you procreate!


i suppose IVF etc. would be a more logical/sensible/boring option and solution, but hey where's the fun in that??

Wednesday, February 11, 2004



oh yum.

*swoons* the reason why i watched buffy: spike.

i've alwaysalwaysalways loved vampires. it's their element of danger, the swagger and yes, it helps if they wear black leather trenchcoats that billow/swish as they swagger down a dark alley.


its the way that their seductive, when hunting or/and playing with their 'damsel-in-distress' prey. their accented sarcasm as they taunt the Goodies.
which is also why i loved Queen of the Damned even though the movie wasnt good in itself. i adored it because of...lestat.

in pure unadultrated[?] hormonal teen-speak, he was HOT. there's just soemthing so sensual about vampires...and their habit of walking around half dressed *waves 'yay' banner*

which is also why i love draco.

and smirks! i -adore- SMIRKS. hence, my professed love for spike, draco [NOT tom felton euch], lestat and all smirky, male, british vampires of the underworld. whoops, forgot Peter Pan.

remember karl from love, actually? now if he had any actual lines to speak of, and they were british accented caustic remarks AND he was smirky instead of just standing around all gay model-ish hot..OMG.

bucket! bucket! need bucket!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

oh no oh no

i am being lured to the very pretty blog, Xanga.

but the templates are so nice....i can't help it.

must remain loyal to blogspot.
must resist.


i signed up already.

blogspot, your fate will be decided on whether Xanga is more user-friendly.

*crosses fingers*
i'm not quite sure who i'm rootong for actually. Xanga is looks really good though. but i feel attached to Blogpot.


why do i always do this to myself?


i'm supposed to be doing my history essay but do you KNOW what i've been doing? i've been combing through eBay and browsing through the auctions for Evanescence's Origin cd.

"Only 2,500 copies of Origin were produced. Sealed copies are becoming increasingly rare. This cd is an original, official, still sealed copy in absolutely mint condition. It is is one of the few copies that remained in stock after the title was deleted from the record company's catalog."

and do you know how much they cost on eBay? the original, trust-worthy ones are reaching $130++.

it's just like the way i trawl through Apple's webby to just ogle at the iPod, knowing that i will never posess it.



i am a compulsive blogger.

dammit, i'm addicted to blogging. it's become part of my routine and you know me. i don't usually like routines imposed on me, but when I'M the imposer, i have, NEED to keep to it. lol.
i sign online, open my msn, check my mail, check the madcap yahoogroup, blog-hop and THEN i blog. ..and mebbe afterwards random surfing.



i think i had my first hysterical episode today. *gigglescries*
i came home, to find my mum had put away my art piece and rested it by the wall and it was SLUMPING. i squeaked because argh! card bent! than i looked closer and i SCREAMED. you see, it's watercolour paper mounted on thick card and the paper's kinda heavy because of the paint/starch gloop i had plopped on it SO the paper was like coming unattached and i

i really fucking freaked.

i was really PISSED because she moved it [which was not so bad] but THEN, my dad was like 'oh it's all your fault. who ask you? you should have known how the paer wouldn't have stuck on. it's all your fault. you know the mounting glue wasn't strong enuff' etc.

now THT realling fucking peeved me off. first of all, it was HIM ystd who was all lecture-y and all-knowing and glued it together for me and the way he said it was ALL my fault. hello?? if somebody had not rested it that way and left it FLAT on the fucking floor to dry the way i left it ystd, things wouldn't have turned out so bad would it??

and THEN, my mudder was like 'oh, just re-do lah, no big deal. don't over-react, besides, you haven't doen much anyway'.


my heart BLED ok??? this is the first piece in TWO years tht i akshulli knew and had control over what was going on. the first piece that i knew what i wanted to do and she JUST BRUSHED IT OFF like it was so trivial!


she didn't see the value in it! she has forgotten tht you can NEVER draw the same thing exactly twice. it's impossible. even if you TRACE it out, the certain...spark is missing. GONE.

i was so pissed.

while i was talking to her, SHE got annoyed with me because she felt i was over-reacting. ok fine, i was spluttering and VERY emotional but that is NOT over-reacting ok?? i was reacting the way i bloody well should when one of my art thingys is destroyed! meh.
it was then i got my hysterical episode. i was just so INFURIATED that she just did not GET the significance/importance that my tears evolved into those sobbing things with gasping LAUGHTER.


it freaked her out as well.

pah, but at least she finally grasped how upset i akshulli was.

my heart BLED ok??

Monday, February 09, 2004

Voluntary Absentism Strikes Again!!

*listening: Meant to Live; Switchfoot*

didn't go to school today but hah! because i'm recuperating from my cold. feeling muchos better.
you know, i could totally handle a 4-day week, 3-day weekend. it really suits me.

i suppose im very self-indulgent. i like listening to songs like 'love is here' [starsailor] and 'lost' [skin] because their very....melancholic. it sort of drags me down into this zone that's quiet, contemplative and achingly poignant. it releases me from the layers that i put on during the day. like a really invigorating shower, i feel REAL. and i actually start feeling, noticing more subtle emotions and making observations that i don't usually allow myself to make.

..and it's from this zone that i can sway dangerously from reaching a temporay nirvana and falling into depression.


but i don't think i could go on living without feeling you know? i went through a period of numbness where i just shut down, insulated myself. it was kinda self-destructing i realize now. funny, now i can sorta laugh at it but back then..whoo!

im a 'feeling' kinda person. emotional, sometimes overly so.

each and every emotion is significant and in someway, precious to me. i don't think i could live without. that is why, if you were to tell me the world would be ending tomorrow, my only regret would be that i've never been in love before.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

childhood memories of some sort.


"everybody hates me
nobody wants me
i think i'll eat some worms
big fat squishy ones
long thin wriggly ones
itsy-bitsy tiny little worms

eat a worm
eat a worm
i think i'll eat some worms
big fat squishy ones
long thin wriggly ones
itsy-bitsy tiny little worms"

a song i learnt in kindergarten.
quite a premonition of our future eh? i suppose they were trying to prep us up for the disappointment tht is our life as a Singaporean student. merp.

i think it's quite funny that they taught us this waaay back then. at that time, it was just a fun song to squirm along with as i visualized 'eating' and wondering what they tasted like. and whether they still wriggled as they slipped down one's throat. i've always had the idea that it was a crow singing the song. euch.
and a few years later in primary school, i started wondering whether the worms were poisonous and why the crow wanted to commit suicide.


some time back last year, the song re-surfaced back into my life. it was during a.maths lesson with our beloved Mrs. Chiu when she got frustrated with our ineptness and started lecturing on how we need to "pull up our socks" [oh, don't the teachers ADORE this phrase]. then somebody sighed and said "ya. all the teachers hate us".
*which is true, they don't really like our class. the teachers aren't happy cuz we're the slackers and the DM ddn either because ppl in our class kept getting into trouble. *coughcough* AND, around that time, all the teachers were kinda pissed with us and kept lecturing.

so after that sigh, somebody started singing the song. one person joined in, then three and bam. the whole class joined in the rendition of how we'll be eating some worms.
it was quite funny really, and i think it touched Mrs. Chiu's heart cuz after we settled back down into our discouraged selves, she tonelessly said that SHE liked us.


cue squeals of 'wo ai ni mrs chiu' and beams from everyone. we really do adore her. even tho we're hopelessly pathetic in a.maths, she's always there for us.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

why i might actually consider moving out of a HDB estate


void decks.
my opinion is that yes, they should REMAIN void and be there solely for the purpose of the occasional kid cyclist/blader/heely-er who have not been given permission to cross the road.

no, i do not find it advisable to organize events there ESP. if they have big sound systems. no. no. no. especially! if it's karaoke. i don't care if your singers are /paid/ singers cuz darling, that is NO guarantee that they can sing and that the general masses would appreciate their Gift.
in fact! the only way i agree these events may be legitimized if it is made legally mandatory to have a Simon Cowell attend each of them. yes. i might even pop by to laugh at them.

why the topic?

my very 'active' RC [resident's council] are holding a yam seng sesh right now. which i suppose is all fine and good for the bonding that is deemed critical to make up for the lack of kampung unity that people always hype about. ok fine, so you want to hang out sitting in uncomfy red [i bet it's coloured tht way for luck], drinking syrup diluted with tapwater, laughing at the hosts [something that i would esp do, laugh AT -not with- them] and picking at the orange square puff things in the peanut mix.
do that.

but HONESTLY, do you need to turn up the volume so loud?? do they really think that we want to listen to all the Hokkien bantering that people laugh at for the sake of laughing? do they think that we actually like the music they blast out? do they think that we don't have our own radio or source of actually listen-able music? do they think that we are THAT deprived musically?

are they THAT delusioned??

cuz fine, if YOU want to go there, and put yourself in situation to be tortured, go on you masochistic freaks. i don't give a damn.

but fergod's sake, please remember the ppl who did NOT buy the $2 tickets to go. these are the people who did not buy because they do not want to go through this..this...nightmareous [OMG. their playing My Heart Will Go On] affair. they specifiaclly did not buy the tickets so they wouldn't have to experience it. PLEASE, respect us non-buyers.

*runs screaming and slams into the wall. dammit, she didn't fall unconscious*

the point is, these people need to just turn up the volume up enuff so that ppl sitting 50m away from the stage can hear. you do not [ok lah, ms 'celine dion' can sing not so bad. wait- i just heard her high parts. i take it back.] i repeat, do NOT have to let the entire of Teck Whye hear how lacking you are of talent. really, you don't.
there is NO POINT. we do NOT want to hear. 50m! im quite sure that less than half of the volume of what their playing now would suffice.

fuck, now this guy is singing the hokkien version. perfect.
*envisions pudgy old man stuffed with peanuts pretending he's Andy Lau*


i tried/was about to go down to politely to tell them to TURN down the volume. i already had my story about how the baby next door was wailing his head off cuz he can't get to sleep and i can't study for this really, really, important test on monday cuz it was just so distracting -cue Pity Me look-

but my dad stopped me. he told me that they'd hurl pig-flesh at me.
-rolls eyes-

gah, i was adamant about going but realized that i wouldn't be able to out-run the mob threatening to hurl their red plastic chairs at me with my cold.

you know what i'm going to do? im going to write a good ol letter of complaint. why not? it's good feedback from the public, and i'll ACTUALLY be putting what i learn in English to good use. and if they happen to not pay attention to my letter, i won't be a rebel without a cause anymore! i will then be able to excuse any future misdeamenours as my protest against LOUD events.

*oh yay, their being racially politically-correct. their now playing an equally horrid malay song. wait, it's hindi, not malay. i think.*

and hah! before anybody leaps at me attacking and accusing me of being racist for condemning this yam seng sesh, hah! i am hereby clearly stating that i am equally against LOUD malay weddings as well. i share NO appreciation for malay music blasting and spoiling my sunday. the drum bit is fine, cuz it lasts like only five minutes and not 5 bloody hours. i have also always contemplated going down to tell them to lower down as well but feared them hurling their large metal pots at me. think about all the good rendang wasted. so yeah, i finally had the nerve to go down today but conservative dad was home. bah, humbug.

besides, why do you think i DON'T go to malay weddings especially if i don't know who YOU are and vice-versa. i only to my relative's when their the one who actually bother to interact with me.

AND, AND i'm sure there's a good lot of chinese residents out there who don't appreciate karaoke.

don't be delusional people!! you canNOT sing! think of us, your fellow humans! think of all the ears that are still functioning! think of all the complaining people are doing in the privacy of their own homes!


you are NOT kelly clarkson! you are not reuban studdard! and you are NOT clay aiken though you might share the same geeky aura he had pre-AI.

you are NOT anita mui. you are NOT aaron kwok.
you are not even the random and numerous mando-pop offspring of Hong Kong and Taiwan.

meep. save me.

yay Lostprophets.



yesterday was one of the better-est days i've had since mebbe..bugisCAP?
and i liked it thoroughly even though i was down with the cold. *sniff*

skule was okaaay, was sick so i could slack of during random chosen times and more importantly, tedious and not-so-interesting *coughenglishcough* lessons. spent pe sitting at the bustop listening to my discman, waving at this cute little kid who just discovered how to drink from those packet drinks [] and croaking encouragement as my classmates ran towrds the finish point before promptly instructing them to do sit-ups + push-ups. mmph, Teacher's Little Helper. whee.

it's fun telling ppl to do stuff.

....especially if ur exempted from it. *ponders* you know, i think i wouldn't mind being a Dictator. first thing i'll do would be to send all the act-cutesy, pink-obsessed lians and the mats+minahs who dared to laugh at me before i rose to power to siberia. i'm sure putin wouldn't, he's still Russia's big man isn't he? or is he dead? hrm.

after skule, we headed off to Ngee Ann's open house. [note: ACJC open house; 21 feb] which at first started off not quite so well cuz it was sweltering and we were aimlessly wandering around.

and we got free Cornetto. yum.

oh!oh!oh! but in the first FIVE minutes we stepped in, we spotted 4 really hot guys. yay to eye candy. by the end of the day, our count went up to...23.
23 real head-turners. and they all looked like Gatsby ads w/o the tacky clothes and equally tacky soundtrack following around.

the library is really gorgey there. it's just as nice as the one at Esplanade except better [to me] because well, the one at E is dedicated to theatre and music but the one there was really extensive. they even had a great Humour section [something as possible as liquid fire in my school] and i found a quote in one of them:

"the only orgasm a woman gets is from shopping."
- Cher

which brings me to the next and bestest point!!

..i went shopping! there was a fair there with all these stalls and one was selling tees and it so turns out that she was one of the main suppliers who imports the stuff and send out them out to the random shops in Orchard. and, and AND! they had Emily!! and not /ONLY/ did they have Emily tees, they had them in BAGGY sizes which canNOT be found anywhere else! she told me that shops normally order the smaller sizes [idiots!] because they think that's what we Asian girls want. pooey, what do THEY noe?
AND! i got them friggin' cheap! 3 for $25. that is UNbelieveble. one shirt normally costs $18-nish and that's the small sizes...*blissful sigh*
so now, i have 2 very nice tees and one long sleeved im using as a sweater.

AND! i bought my replacement leather cuff. yay, me! it's muchos nicer than the one at Heeren and very, very much cheaper. shall not reveal the price lest people think im a complete cheap-o. which coincidentally, i am. -blinks-

*the trip to the poly was only productive in the sense that now i know that i HAVE to go JC because i do not like what's at poly.
i used to be able to say tht hey, nvm, i can always go poly if don't make it to jC but now i can't. ..i'm just not interested in what they teach at poly except mass comm and EVERYBODY want's tht. and the guy says their only taking in 200 for 2004 then what about OUR batch?? in case you dont know [which i doubt], we're the babyboom batch ie. LOTS of competition. merp.

and here's another AND!

if i thought they day couldn't get better, i was wrong.

i just bounced back home and was tokking with my mudder gloating about my day when kass called about the debate to ask whether i wanted to go whic of course, duh, i did. in fact, i've been moaning to my skule friends about how much i wanted to go but in my true typical self, hesitated asking ppl about the details in fear of um...grk. it's my social insecurity. [note to self: must get rid of that]

so anyways, even though i just got home, i left again after scoffing down a burger my mom had bought. whee.

came just in time to see IJ vs. Nanyang. IJ did great, nanyang..erm. but ppl said tht their Team 1 was muchos better so yeah! *shrugs* it's all about experience. or the lack of it.

it almost felt like CAP again. lots of CAPpers there. including ppl i ddn noe by name but look familiar. see? i remember you Random ppl!!
hrm. wished the day lasted longer. and aaron maniam rawked, heh. he was one of the judges and mid-way, he got up and left the room to shout at the ppl outside to tell 'em to shut up. whoo!

couldn't find the 67 stop opp. AC and it was kinda dark and all creepy so ddn dare to wnader around by myself. got directions from this guy and ended up talking to him on the bus as well. glad to know there are still nice ppl out there *remembers the lady who slammed her car door in my face b4 driving away when i asked her for a lift to the main road w/o saying a word when i was stranded at Turf City.* niway, the guy told me CJC=not a condusive learning environ so keep tht in mind ppl! and when i reached my stop, he ominously told me to "study hard". *shudders* are the O's gna be tht bad?...

--}hugs to bern+vince! didn't manage to see you guys but pretty sure you did great...and somehow, if you look at a situation properly, winning isn't the only thing that matters.
what makes bad HP fanfic.

- bad writing; ie. awkward conversation. do people actually TALK like that??gerk. and, when they don't get the characters right. it's painful reading a draco who's just shallowly mean and jerky etc. ouch. vernon all 'it's ok harry'?snape all smiley and not even parody-cally so?

- overly sappy fics. i've read good ones but the bad ones are worse than bad. their HORRID.

- american-ising. HP is british damn you! this is the worst. i can't stand it. i don't know how to define it but you can tell when you read the fic. it just feels wrong.

- oh and i forgot. if the author intentionally or not slips in his/her own's petty biasness and prejudices in the fic. it's usually small hints and more likely accidental but it makes the fic just so very ugly.

i'm not condemning the authors. in fact, i think it's great that they've got the nerve to put up their works on the internet leaving them vulnerable to fussy readers to criticize. brave enuff to face the possible condemnation. something i hesitate to do myself. oh well.

and i have read fantastic fanfic. authors who successfully manipulated/altered the characters to suit the plot and yet manage to keep the essence of Rowling's character there. it's possible, and i think THAT'S the mark of a good fanfic writer.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

My Apologies.

i am sorry for being neurotically unstable.
i am sorry for dragging you with me down this rollercoaster ride.
i am sorry for expecting you to stick by me; i know you have other things to do.
i am sorry for being pissed at you ven though i DO know i have no reason to
i am sorry for having you to bear with my intense and irrational mood swings.
i am sorry now for being in your life. maybe it's better without.
i am sorry for pulling you down with me.
i am sorry for resenting you because you don't understand and yes, i know you never will.
i am sorry for being here.
i am sorry that you see me and yet, you do not.
i am sorry that people have to read this post and realize what an arse i really am.
i am sorry that you will realize that i am NOT bubbly and i am NOT going to be trotting off to Tellytubbland on a glittery rainbow anytime soon.

Hear me world!
i am sorry.

now please, fuck off.

everytime i go through a Period [no- i'm not talking about menstruation here], it's like a rock drops into my..heart? soul? whatever. it just weighs me down. then i get better, i get back up again. but with each Period, it gets harder and harder to get up and pretend that i'm ok. that i'm fine.
with each rock, it just gets easier to crumple into a heap on the dirty, gritty floor and continue life from there.

i've never been fine. i've never been ok.
it's even more....painful? that people have always thought that i was. painful because i managed to convince them that i am alright. it's quite funny really.
i'm neurotic. unstable. i sway from being psychopathic and being sociopathic.

i would throughly understand if people..step away.

dare you step into thy world? 'tis not a pretty place.

and don't, DON'T tell me that other people go through the same pressures and stress and that they manage to stay upright and that their ok and that their perefectly fine.
i already feel pathetic enuff.

*i think, i'll just go find a nice hole to crawl in and wait for the world to end. yes; that shall be my..motivation.

Monday, February 02, 2004

bus rides and such.

took the 67 allll the way to Bedok today. for those not in the know[?], bedok is on the far side of east singapore and i live in the west.
it was fascinating really. i've always loved bus rides even though they leave me with a neck ache from all the window-gazing. i brought my chemistry with me, planning to read through it during the ride but as expected, it was left untouched.
i had no idea 67 went to bedok; to me, it's always been the bus that i sometimes take to school and the one tht goes to bukit goes to Little India as well. *sighs* CAP memories. somebody just kill me!

so why was i travelling all the way to bedok? to meet my cousins. to study. to tutor emaths. on a public holiday.


yes, yes. calm down. this is izyanti and no, i have not been abducted by aliens and brainwashed by Tellytubby-loving freaks.

i was studying on a public holiday.

i was tutoring! emaths.

i think the lattar is more shocking really.

heh. i just read the latest addition of madCAP's "Pass The Prose". i laughed so hard i was tearing. wait, that was my eyeliner. no, wait. it wasn't. LOL.

i think my mother has recently been going through a mid-life crisis. out of nowhere, she has been whipping up these culinary delights on her newly-bought $400++ set of pots to the joyness and widening girth of us who reside under our roof.
i've always known she could cook, she is above average but she's not usually.....adventurous. she normally sticks to the few dishes that she knows and has never taken much interest in learning more stuff so it's pleasantly surpising.
suddenly, laksa! quiche! pineapple tarts! different numerous random types of pudding!


Tom Chan ie. PE enforcer will not be happy.

my cousin linked my blog to her friend and his response after reading it was that i'm scary.


see? that's scary. me, scary?


right? but then again, after reading through my OWN blogg [i don't usually do this] i suppose my rather violent mood swings can be....disturbing.
so is that it?
or is it my habit of calling random people who annoy me fuckers? nah. doubt so.

opinion, people?

"hello my name is izyanti and i'm a blog-hopper."
"hello izyanti."

a possible scene at a Bloghopper Anonymous session? huh.

the first thing i do when i go online after checking my mail is to surf other people's blogs. it's become a habit and it's rather addictive. i used to think it was fun seeing what people are up to..a way sort of to keep in contact esp with ppl you don;t see everyday.

recently however, after reading a certain person's blog, it left me feeling..left-out? it pains me that you know, such a significant happening well, happened and the person didn't tell me. this is not a direct blast at anybody but just a note on how blogs are starting to make me feel.
it's starting to make me wonder stuff like "you DO consider me as a friend, right?" and "do i even really know you?"

but then of course, it's not that i expect ppl to tell me each and every single thing that happensto them from what they ate and how their fart smells like [although strangely, i think /would/ be interested even though i would be thoroughly grossed out as well]. it just leaves me feeling left out that i'm not in their lives. or significant enuff to them.

egads, i'm pathetic.

talk to me people! i welcome your contact! and in the rare occurence that i find you boring and/or i don't want you around me; my ignoring you will be your cue to turn and walk towards the exit door.

*i haven't met any guys who make me laugh. oh wait- i have. but their like, guy FRIENDS and that's the reason why their my friends actually.
i have a feeling i'm not getting to the point her and i've lost interest in the point i was going to make.

oh well.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

gripes and stuff.


i don't think it's very fair when my relatives draw attention to my non-ability of speaking malay and make fun of it. they call me 'proud' when i speak english, as if i think malay is low-class and that i've forgotten my race.

it's not fair because it feels as if THEY are the ones looking down at me, their the ones condemning me.
it's shitty and i hate it.
and i do NOT think malay is low-class or anything of that sort. it's not that i INTENTIONALLY speak english and INTENTIONALLY abandon malay. i'm just more comfortable with english and honestly, i really wish they will stop making such a big deal out of it.

you think i don't like malay? well the only bloody reason i don't like it is beacuse people like YOU highlight and emphasize my incompetence at it so EXCUSE me, if i've associated my resentment with the word "malay".
this has NOTHING to do with my race. i have NEVER wished myself to be yellow, red, or black; i am perfectly fine with my ethnicity!

and you know what else? i think malay is a great language! at it's best, the poetry sounds really fantastic and yeah, i do find it sad that hey, i don't understand shit. but i will NEVER voice out my self-disappoinment because of people like YOU and until you stop discriminating against people like me.

huh. the English don't neccesarily speak good English either so fuck you.

and it's not only them [esp. during the dreaded Family Events] but generally other people as well. they find my incompetence VERY kindly put, funny.
i am /not/ being over-sensitive ok. i can sense their disdain when they consider my incompetence at "my own mother tongue". and it's not as if it's chinese, which is difficult.

malay, hah!

it's supposed to be an easy subject! huh.
how can you SUCK at malay? huh.

fuck you all.

that is why i shall not excuse myself for gloating when i hear about new JC students complaining that [read today's Gen Y section in The Straits Times] they can't fit in because everybody speaks english there. i shall shamelessly gloat as they complain about why the students there don't use phrases like 'wah piang' etc and how they feel so out of place.

hah! double hah! it's payback time!

*eville glint in eye* now you know how I feel you fuckers.
yes, please continue to snicker at my awkward malay and please, do continue sniggering at my 'excessive' use of english words.

i shall wait for you to go to JC and then, i shall go and snicker/snigger in your face while stomping on your "new-branded-sneakers-because-i'm-in-JC-now".

hah. and double fucking hah!