Monday, July 18, 2005

so i've regressed back to charcoal drawings.

i have been quite perturbed how i've been so reliant on basic cartoon-work, what with all my morose stickmen figurines. the convenience of doing crude line drawings you know, it just makes you plain lazy. and like, much to my horror doing art class the other day, my hand just refused to draw "properly".

so am forcing myself back to the basics.

the even more disturbing thing is that guh, i'm quite unnerved by what i've been drawing. i'm doing quick portraits, and well, charcoal is naturally dark and me - i've got this inclination to be dark and it is something i can't quite let go of.


the portraits are just that, dark, and unintentionally so! it's really something i can't quite shake off GUH. it's like the time zara and i laughed hilariously because i tried to draw a happy stickman,

and he looked sinister.

i am not even going to try draw a happy portrait. who knows what might come up *shudder* if i have the time, i might scan in my doodles and all

yes and baybeats was good.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

today is a beautiful day.

wow, what an unusual burst of optimism izyanti, you say.

i know, it's not often i feel this way, and especially when it's over nothing really. it's the little things, i've decided, that make a day simply brilliant and even this brilliance is not the monumental hit of supercalifragilicious expialidocious-ness.

i'm spending my first five minutes in school on the computer blogging because well, i just arrived and it's 1350. i skipped the first half of school to stay home to do schoolwork due today, and i feel so calm. and much better than i would if i had gone to school, ploughed through lessons that i won't be paying attention to because i'm busy trying to finish due assignments under my econs notes. so i'm in school for art, which is starting in about an hour and honestly, getting away with things like this fill me with quiet glee.


well, there is the whole missing malay and therefore, not being around to do the group presentation thing, and i do feel a bit guilty for that - BUT, i'm planning to do the written component all by myself so i hope that will help. there, conscience appeased.

the weather is really pretty today, there was a slight drizzle while i was walking to the bus stop, and i reached just in time before the heavy shower started. and before that, i managed to buy the elusive blue packet Skittles, and that makes me happy too. when i got out of the bus, the weather was just perfect.

and even though perfect weather usually makes me wish i wasn't in school, it was fine. it was bright, but not hot or humid and you know, if there's one thing i will always remember over cjc is that for some reason, it always has a brilliantly beautiful sky over it. maybe i notice it more because we're always climbing stairs here and so, have our heads tilted skywards. i don't know, but i certainly don't notice the sky much otherwise.

usually it's in the morning, going up the overhead bridge and you can still see the sun rising and all the colours that come along with it. and then there's the expressway that we cross over, and this huge stretch of tarmac kind of rising and fading in the horizon, with all the buildings sort of framing the clouds and from the art-student point of view, it's a perfect composition from every angle.

i suppose a large reason why i'm so annoyingly cheery is that i've been re-reading totto-chan and this book is just brilliant in it's poignant simplicity. the idea that such a school existed fills me with the silliest emotion - idealistic hope. like gee, there are so many wonderful things that can and will happen! and you know, totto-chan just reminds me of gennie in all of her exuberance.

i'll miss her a lot when she goes to canada, but i'm so happy that she'll be happy doing her own thing there.

yesterday, i had a good talk with my dad (well, he did most of the talking, as usual) but for those who know, i'm comparatively not that close with my dad and i kinda avoid talking about things that might bristle with him, for obvious reasons. we talked about a constant cause of friction between us - my curfew, or rather, how often i don't curtail to it. talking things through, he said things like how there are many things that i do that he disapproves of, things that he'd rather "forbid" me to do, but he doesn't because he understands and wants me to prove the trust that he's put in me. and it's the little things like that, when he reins in his well, absolute authority even though he doesn't want to, that mean a lot to me. it's kind of thing i'll remember twenty years from now.

and this morning, he picked up my (sort of) essay on what i thought about god, faith and the strange fumbling around that comes with the search for it. i was just about to leave the house, putting on my shoes really, and he was at the gates when he mentioned it. i kind of froze at first, because religion is one of the topics that fall under the To Avoid Talking About With Dad list, because he's so conservative and i don't think he would like hearing more..liberal views coming out of his daughter. but do you know what he said?

"sometimes, i feel that way too."

and maybe, it's that simple statement that made my day because for the first time in a long time, i don't know, i love my dad so much. and it's not often (what an understatement!) that such clear sentiments arise.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Recipe for Surviving Scenarios of Mental Fatigue
- 1 bottle Brand's Chicken Essence
- 1 humongous vitamin B pill
- bananas (avoid heavy carbs because they make me even more sleepy
- assortment of candy, as an uh, compensation for putting in effort not to nap in lessons
- understanding and sympathetic friends who bear with my high-strungness and sometimes, sudden tongue-lashing (thank you zara + stef *sniffles*)

oh bugger it, i've got cranberry stains on my skirt.

speaking of recipes right, i was thinking that the next time we (read: ebs/punsters/whoever) meet up, instead of having another mooovie marathon, let's have a cooking shindig! cos i was reading this person's blog the other day, and that was what they did and it sounds muchos fun. and no, Angry Nugget Men do not count janice. it'll be the awesome - we'll have an appetizer, main course, dessert! mmm.

guh. i'm hungry. i can't stand canteen food no more. they stopped selling brownies because the moe (or some Eville branch of it) decided that no, it is not good to offer the students an avenue for instant gratification. this makes me very unhappy. but by principle only, actually - considering that i never did buy brownies much when they were around. but c'mon! i'm not selfish, THINK OF ALL MY FELLOW FRIENDS WHO ARE SUFFERING FROM BROWNIE WITHDRAWAL.

tis cruel, indeed.

i cannot wait till debate is over, although paradoxically i do hope it won't immediately end post-saturday, for obvious (or not) reasons. you know, when people ask me what cca i'm in, it's easier to say "i'm in debate", rather than

"i'm a debater."

i just find it strange to say the latter. it's the same feeling you get when you tell someone "i'm getting straight As" when you're not, or "i'm a purple hippotami" - it's like a complete lie, or that's how it feels. what a perturbing feeling! i think it's linked to the fact that the debating circle, i think, is a very close and closed thing, and i am such a noob. and most of them are brilliantly competent although this does not exclude them from being friggin' pompous and irritating prats *coughajccough*


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

if i'm not careful, this blog is going to turn into one of those SCHOOL-CENTERED ANGSTY WHINING BITCH-FESTS that are so dreary to read.

but it's true laaaaa. i'm so pissed at everything, at this moment right now that you know what would help? Marks & Spencer's milk chocolate buttons that don't melt into a squishy coagulated lump. this, can also be substituted by a volunteer who i willing to be bitch-slapped/shin-kicked by me - so yes, the line starts here, please take a number.


what is overwhelmingly pissy-offy is that today, was My First Day of Proper School, and it was just horrid. although to be fair, any day is horrid when you've only had THREE FRIGGIN HOURS OF SLEEP.

but you know, to make myself sound less shallow-whiner, i shall pick a Scapegoat to vent my Undirected Angst. today's goat will be: MINAHS.

it's not that i'm just picking on them because i'm senselessly pissed off at nothing okay, it's this thing that has been hovering in my head since monday, and has left me quite perturbed. what happened was that took a cab ride on that afternoon, and Mr. Cabdriver was one of the particularly chatty ones.

so it started out as a conversation about the Importance of Education (i was on the way to school) and how educated people (he said one, not me arh) simply behave differently. somewhere along the line, it got racial, and we, or actuallyhe, went on about the different kinds of malays that he meets as a cabdriver.

he talked about the malay girls that he picks up from boat quay, post-clubbing, and was very hung up on how drunk they were, how young they were, how skimpily they dressed, their tattoos and how that in their drunkeness, they'd sit by the roadside in their short skirts, exposing their pantaloons for all to see.

and all i could do was sit there and squirm, because well, it's true. these stupid friggin minahs are completely without dignity and shame that even the common taxi-driver you know, well, HE KNOWS. it's terribly embarassing to have this low-life pond scum ruining the perception of malays.

i know i'm being very harsh, but i am just so pissed with them.

note: why am i not so pissed with the mats, i don't know. maybe because personally (no offense random reader who might be a malay guy), i've found that generally, malay guys are just dumb. NOT ACADEMICALLY mind you, it's just totally different mindset and wavelength. if i wasn't in such a crappy mood, i'd bother to think up of a better and more apt adjective, but i can't so bear with it.

come on, think about it. when you hear the word malay, what's your first response? i don't know about you, but geez! i think, mats and minahs because they are the dominating demographic in our racial culture. its crap-shit, but damn it's true. which is why i've given up being annoyed with people like bern who call me a minah because oh my god, i wear emo-glasses and am *gasp* malay. automatically, it's easy to assume that because i share a physical resemblance, i am one of the flock.

you give a chinese person emo-glasses, and he's funky, or uh well. emo. i shop/dress with a sub-conscious effort not to look like a bloody friggin minah, because you know, huge disadvantage that i already share the same skin colour. fuck that man.

but that's not the point here. what is hugely disturbing is that it is THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND. and this is juxtoposed with the politically correct assumption that malays are conservative, mild-mannered and religious enough to bear the discomfort of a headscarf in this bloody weather. the disparity is just so - on particularly bad days, mortifying.

friggin pond scum.

the strange thing of course, is that while i may sound like a moralizing bitch right here and now, i hardly belong to the opposite camp of staunchly religious malays. they're okay, but my peeve with them is how easily they accept what they are told. and sadly, i more than occasionally disagree with what i'm being told, because (and it doesn't have to do with god here), certain things are man-made, and we all know humans are fallible and flawed. i hate dogma.

but that's another rant, for another day.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

i've been thinking what being 17 has meant to me after i watched this docu-show on mtv on a couple of famous people when they were 17.

has it been awesome? well, not really, considering how non-descriptish i've been in cjc. but on the other and much happier hand, there's the EBS. a recent conversation with bern who was musing how much more she wants to achieve:

"you're already an over-achiever!"
"but i'm not over-achieving enough -"

and that, is the essence of how i've been this year too.

yesterday i came home from school absolutely and thoroughly zonked.

1045: arrived in school, wandered around wondering where my malay projectmates were.

1055: i embark on a quest to get my mentorship form signed by the principal. after much deliberation and noises of disbelief, i am told that he is not in school and that i should leave the form in school so i can pick them up on monday. "BUT THAT WOULD MEAN I HAVE TO TRAVEL TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY AND I DON'T WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME HERE THAN I HAVE TO", i want to whine, but i resist.

1100: into siberia aka school library to fiddle with portfolio while waiting. had an encounter with art classmate, who's doing major research work on van gogh. you know, reading those huge and dusty tomes. had a burst of procrastination-induced guilt, because i haven't started. the horrors.

1105: Groupmate1 messages - she just woke up.

1120: Groupmate2 messages - he too, just woke up. brilliant.

meanwhile, i'm freezing my bloody arse off, and pondering the age-old question - "what the hell am i doing here?"

1230: Groupmate1 arrives. we work out the project lenghtily, and finish in 20 minutes, in english. it is decided that we shall entask the ardous job of translating our scribble into malay to Groupmember2 who never showed up.

1250: wanders over to the dark (really, it is) shelves of the malay section and pick up a book of malay essays in an attempt to somewhat, prepare for the A Level Malay orals later on.

1255: decide that it is all very boring, and also, that i do not like Malaysian propoganda.

1400: *toddles of to this specially built Teaching Development Center that's quite nicely done, with actually GOOD sculptures around. but, like all school development projects go, this room is apparently only used for aforementioned oral exams*

1405: Groupmate1 realizes that today's exam, is NOT an internal examination hurrah

1440: i screw up my oral paper.

1445: very much dejected, i come across desmond, and wail about the horribility of it. he says he too, horribilified his, but i don't believe him. stupid efficiently bilingual people.

1500: spend more time in siberia with portfolio, reasoning that i certainly won't do it when i get back. i pick another spot to sit that from experience is not as siberia-ish. i expect it's more, canada. gee my library is international.

1645: librarian toddles over, and asks me what i'm doing (illustrating some stuff). she says, "wow other people go out party after exams, you're still here ah." oh this is great, i am OFFICIALLY THE LIBRARY-HOVEL HOBBIT. this will do wonders for my (non-existent social life) i'm sure.

1715: dash out of the library, to make my point that i am NOT A NO LIFER THAT SHE THINKS I AM to the librarian. well, not really.

i spot the principal's huge SUV in the car park. for a moment, i wonder why he has such a huge car when he uh, doesn't have a huge family with all that celibacy shebang. but this means! HE IS IN SCHOOL AND I CAN GET IT SIGNED NOW

1755: i find out that in general office terms, "now" can mean 40 bloody minutes. but it is time well spent! i read three NIE newletters, and discover that trainee teachers are "hip and happening" as seen in the extensive article on their Dinner & Dance. brilliant, old fogeys doing the limbo rock - THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN GROW UP MUM.

1800: goes home

1850: NTUC HAS NOT RESTOCKED ON CRANBERRIES. this makes me very sad, and i literally drag my feet home.

1900: shuffle around home, had dinner, but didn't really eat it.

2030: falls asleep on bedroom floor.

2300: "why are you still in your school uniform?", my very concerned mother asks. she quite obviously, has overlooked the whole collapsing on the floor business.

0500: wake up when handphone alarm goes off. supposed to do art, but hell i'm rebellious and i uh, don't.

0800: wakes up finally after i wear out the Snooze button, with the realization that i have debate later on.

and so, as i dragged myself to school (once more), on the bus, trying to sleep without leaning my head against the grossly head-greasy window, stuck in a traffic jam, I WONDER WHETHER I HAVE BITTEN MORE THAT I CAN CHEW.

this is what it feels like:


because with applying for cap things, and the art exam prepping, and the debate nationals *dies* which is next weekend, which is also the day when we'll be filming the thing for temasek sem, and i really want to be in the video and did i mention, the deadline for the portfolio is the day before my art paper and shit, i shouldn't even be here but i am.

would i want any less? somehow, and god knows why, no. i just really wish they wouldn't co-incide all in one go so that i somehow, can BREATHE.