greetings fellow thingamabobs.







it has been a day of nostalgia indeed. but before i delve into that mushy mess, let me state a very obvious thing:

- the botanic gardens is big. VERY BIG. practically running from one end, to the other, repeatedly looking for random information on non-shiny metal signs is NO JOKE. THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING IS ISAAC LIM I.E. BIG KAHUNA OF PHYSICAL TORTURE.

- the botanic gardens has manymanymany trees. annoyingly, they are mostly TEMBUSU TREES when they were supposed to be some other random trees that WE COULD NOT FING AUUGH. *mutters: bloody tembusu trees* too bloody many of them i tell you! also, you would think that after approaching four tem-bloody-su trees, i would be able to recognize it and not bother befriending the fifth. and the next few ones that came along. i blame it on the sun and dehydration.

- which brings me to the point of evian water! WHY WAS IT A WHOPPING $2.60! bloody robbing us blind. although the guy selling it was cute. although he was a bit mat-ish. ah i am such a sucker.

- note to self: do not pair up with a person who also cannot read maps. sorry anisha hurhur.

- even though your mother was a horticulturist, having WORKED at the botanic gardens, bear in mind that it was (shall not mention) years ago, and all possibly relevent and helpful information has since faded from memory. it is therefore useless to call her and try to cheat for answers because FIRSTLY, she will give wrong answers. SECONDLY, she will say, "i'm busy doing the laundry! call me in 10 minutes!". and when you do, she will still be doing the laundry.

- i am muchly sick of scavenger hunts and what-not *sulks* it's lethargy and aching feet packaged into an episodic format of stage 1, stage 2 and you get my point. you think it's so fun. i suppose uhh, a week from now, i will look back and laugh. but as long as my feet ache, and i remember getting lost in some weird bit of construction work, TODAY WILL NOT BE THAT DAY. also! this makes it quite funny considering that i will soon my organizing and planning one. mwahahaha it is time to seek Eville Revenge against the world that is unjustly against me!

now that i am done whining.

i don't quite feel like poking about nostalgia and such. other than the fact that CJC Sports Carnival just doesn't quite feel the same as sports days with bpghs. those always end up quite fun, despite the grimy stadium and cruddy food. there was something missing, and i could only put my finger on it when i was in the bus one the way back. school spirit.

i honestly did not feel ANYTHING today. how strange. i blame it on the fact that we were divided by classes, and not houses. smaller gatherings of people, lesser degree of rabble-rousing maybe. and hardly any cheering at all; how straaaaaange. at bp, even though the cheers were the cliche and off-the-shelf, gosh we yelled our hearts out. i'm not saying today was not fun, it was, some bits. how is it that i can only remember how much fun sports days at bp always turned out to be? that's why the human memeory and can be such an untrustworthy and faulty thing.

and then, we went back to bp to get my o level cert and collect back my art prep. walked around, it felt different and the disconcerting thing was that it was different in the small little ways that made it feel slightly out of sorts. as if someone had tweaked with the configurements. the corridors seem wider, the canteen darker. we trooped back to our old classroom. successfully identified three tables that i occupied, finding pieces of vandalism that i don't even remember doing. dark angsty stuff, that only i know the significance of. you know, along with all the great times, i had a significant number of dark moments at bp and now that i think of it, it seems incredulous.

pathetic even. i cannot remember what got me so upset, and even if i do, can't figure out why it elicited such vivid and expansive a response to it.

the sad thing was, as we all got pushed along by the rapid and brutal train that the o levels was, we all kind of drifted apart despite spending so much time mugging in the library together. i felt it.

i miss the canteen, the art room (that's just not the same without the Distant Fart threesome), our classroom and the benches outside the staff room where i waited for the arrival of tan hak soon. i miss much, and the terrible thing of course, is that this faulty memory of mine makes it seem much better than i think it was.



well that's enough mushy crud for the night.

i have been wanting to update for eons because the last entry makes me feel stupid *shifty eyed*








yes, i got into CAP.

i would be in a more celebratory and elaborative mood if not for the fact that i have YES free time (i can't quite believe it myself) for me to work on the art projects and analyze my favourite-test lit book of the moment, brave new world. also, because i don't trust mrs sng. this is one of the rare occasions where i don't mind it being so blatantly pointed out that i am paranoid and stupid dumdeedumdum.

it turned out to be quite a Fun day. i expected it to be another day of dreariness, "nnnngh i didn't do my homework" and staving off encroaching sleep during lectures.

i watched kai wen (the guy sitting beside me in class) fall asleep in gp tutorial, got yelled at by my malay teacher. deserved it absolutely of course, but after the shock wore off, i have to say it was quite amusing to have a tudung-ed lady yell, "just give me the damn thing!".

i survived the arctic that is lecture theatre 1, endured the rather interesting gp lecture although it annoyingly consisted of a string of supposedly "thought-provoking" questions. i would have said, HELLO I CAN'T THINK, MY BRAIN HAS FROZEN SOLID. but of course, this did not happen because the neurones could not process my vague feelings of unhappiness.








ahh mmkay am off to watch my indonesian soap opera! woohoo emotional rollercoaster conveniently served by tv - hail mindless mass media. 2 hours worth of vindictive cries of "die bitch die", worried "omg is she gonna die is she gonna die" and plaintive "oh you stupid stupid man" - it seems fated that the women will always be Eville or the innocent Matyr. and that the men are always relatively dumb and clueless.

i suppose it is stupid, this fretting and all. and it was mean for me to think nasty, sour grapey thoughts and now that i am much more calm in this 1.04AM daze, i know that i don't mean it.

i'll just have to wait for monday.

but it's eating me. nnngh and i don't want to have to fall back on Plan B - who ever wants to put Plan B into action anyway. that's why it's the SECOND CHOICE, because you don't really want it anyway.

rejection - maybe i shouldn't even talk about it. might jinx it and all. but honestly, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, THAT BETTER BE NOT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING DAMMIT MR FAHY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU BETTER HAVE ANSWERS FOR ME MONDAY MORNING OR I WILL DIE. SOMEWHAT. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU PEOPLE ARE, TELLING ME I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOU STUPID PIECES OF MONKEY CRUD.

there, just in case (also, made me feel better hoohoo).






and i can't think of anything remotely intelligent else to say. this is a very perturbing trend i've observed. suddenly i'm not doing quite well in school, especially GP comprehensions and debate trainings have been full of me being moronically incoherent and asinine - my favourite word is officially "um". god i feel stupid. maybe my neurones have decided to revolt. or more interestingly, their taking part in a social experiment, to see how i would fumble around with half a brain. i bet their laughing now, eating popcorn. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, DON'T YOU, YOU BLOODY NEURONES. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PART OF MY BRAIN. I TELL YOU, I LIKE MY HAEMOGLOBIN-CARRYING RED BLOOD CELLS MUCH BETTER HAH BECAUSE THEIR CUTE AND SQUISHY IN THEIR BI-CONCAVE NON-NUCLEATED WAY.

i don't even like popcorn.

if you start thinking about it, being generally pissed off is quite a strange thing. when phenomally pissed, especially at nothing in particular, you have the capability to walk up to anybody and give them a bloody good kick in the shin, and not feel guilty for maybe, half an hour.

i am such a pathetic excuse of a sociopath.

because really, i have an innate sense of Goodness that i cannot deny. if i could have it my way, i would fill the world with doves puppies and kittens (conveniently, all toilet-trained) and make sure that there would be rainbows in the sky and i would go around in an organic white cotton toga with my hair quite suddenly a mane of earth goddesness and i will tell everybody: "world peace, my children. world peace." and they will all obey me because i am such a lovely and good person, and then,

I WILL BE THEIR QUEEN AND YOU WILL PAY OBEISANCE TO MY MERE EXISTENCE, O SIMPLE MORTALS OF PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANCE!

look, i have something to love too finally!

my little online hamster. no shit, no pee, no mess. just its adorable little two-dimensional self, adoring the mouse cursor. such simplicity and innocence.












i'm not quite sure why i'm teetering on the emotional side tonight. maybe it's because i FINALLY read Lord of the Flies and it's rawness touched me more than i realized. such a strange thing, to be moved by printed words on paper. maybe it's because i took this online handwriting analysis quiz (don't laugh!) and it's accuracy touched a raw nerve. things that i've been in denial about.

i'm sorry if today's entry is a load of self-indulgent crud. i hope the religion post didn't set the bar up too high, that one was a product of a sporadic burst of..lucidity and rationalized angst.

but this thing here tonight, it's a skim of things i think i want to say. i'm never quite sure really, i don't say much nowadays. i realize that i've become the Listener mostly, and because a) i have nothing of much significance/importance/drama to say, b) it's easier. i've become an inarticulate thing in real life, the horror the horror! everything's answered with indefinite, dismissive phrases that i say for the sake of it. ah yanti, you silly silly thing.

and then, i suppose this could have been the catalyst: i was talking to a certain person today, an absolute friend, and it was an issue that was particularly significant to me. it was actually a relatively rare moment when i was as cliche as it may sound, baring my soul - this is what i am, and this is how i feel. it was that kind of moment.

and she absolutely did not get me. it was as if i was speaking german, or maybe as if i happened to transmorgify into an orang utan. it's not her fault really, but oh god. i think she understood what i was saying (no i'm NOT implying she is a moron), but she could not empathize. did not, could not grasp the emotional significance of what i was saying. maybe she's like that to everybody, in her obstinate way of being absolutely full of conviction for her own opinion that she leaves spare room for the ability to extend empathy. i don't know.

oh i should just shut up.