Friday, January 30, 2004


i am happy.

you know what's good about depression? once you get out of it, you start appreciating the little things in life that [cliche alert!] bring joy to you even if its rather insignificant. after feeling blah for a period of time, feeling good well, feels good. it feels better.

yes. that's quite enuff on sensitive matters like "feelings" and such. i hope you didn't end up puking over your keyboard. last i heard, wet sticky keyboards aren't nice to type on.

the sun has finally decided to show up and shine! yay.
it really has cheered me up. usually, i DO link the rain but a whole week of it is just to much. i can only imagine what winter is like then. *shudders*

the weather was fantastic today. a perfect day to spend on the beach but instead, spent at school. oh welly well. we make do with what we have. the sun was shining perfectly; not in the sweltering way or the humid after-rain kind. it was bright and clear and the warmth on my face felt absolutely blissful. there was a slight breeze blowing and i felt peace.

it was a great day. i can honestly say that hey, i felt good today. *beams* haven't had that in a long time.

i had a nice chat with my friend during art about general stuff. what we want in life, typical complaining was just a good bonding sesh. it made me think of how much i actually like my social situation. i'm not popular etc. but i have a fantastic best friend and a couple of good friends i know who can be depended on. so yeah.

happiness galore.

and my art is going really well. usually, i get stuck part-way quite a bit, n0t knowing what to do next or when my muse decides to abandon me and take a nice long vacation in the Bahamas. but not this time! i know what i'm doing and i have a very positive feeling about how it will turn out so yayness.


i recently bought Longman's Guide to Modern World History and was browsing through it yesterday before going t0 sleep. in my sleep-induced haze, i came upon this word in one of the PREFACES.


my mind was kinda plodding throught drowsiness so i was wondering, syllabuses? is THERE such a word? ...syllabus, syllabuses? before dropping off at ZzzLand.

when i woke up this morning i thought, shit there is NO such word! i was quite horrified actually. isn't Longman supposed to be a reputable publisher?? i did not buy a guidebook from dodgy publishers printed on cheap paper. it's Longman. Maybe it's just me, but i've always held Longamn in high regard. i thought it was dependable but i suppose not...i suppose i can't blame the writer of that preface. Grammatical errors do occur, however. the editor! how can you NOT notice a glaring error like that?

singular: syllabus.
plural: syllabi.

geez, and check out the "blurb" at the back.

"Longman Effective Guide to O'Level Modern World History will enhance your revision for the examinations. The reasons are many. It has a comprehensive section on Preparing for the Examination, chapter overviews, excellent notes in the point form and revision tests on the major countries. There is also a unique series of sectional Highlights of Critical Issues in the syllabus, concept tables, fast track reviews of all topics in syllabus, a mid year and final examination papers to round up your preparation. Last but not least, there are generous doses of advice on how to do well in the examinations which may meke a lot of difference in your final marks."

erm, it sounds like one of my malay essays.


Thursday, January 29, 2004

i want to be alone; and yet like all humans, i don't.

something that might never happen: me making up my mind on what i want.

i think i should learn to shut up. i think at times, people get freaked out by how..."abstract" i can get. and no, we are not talking about the philosophical kind; more like "this-is-what's-in-my-head-right-now-and-yes-i-know-it's-irrelevent" kind. i think people get tired of it after awhile and that they get impatient with me and they start to think of me as a ditz who comes up with the most illogical and at times, stupid thoughts, ideas, concepts and explanations.

no? come on, tell me that you've never been "amazed" at how irrelevent i can get. Good: thinking out of the box. Bad: i'm so beyond the box that i've fallen of this dimension and landed on my arse. ouch.

nobody gets me sometimes, and i suppose THEY don't get me because there's something wrong with ME. *ponders* their normal or at least share the same plane of human-like normalcy that i obviously lost the directions to.

i feel stupid. they make me feel stupid when they a] stare at me blankly b] laugh.

yes, i very mucheth feel stupideth.

that is why, i think i would embarass myself much less if i shut up. right? it makes sense right? since i won't say anything; people i talk to won't go around thinking "wha'? this girl's nuts."

so shut up?


*really! i'm serious. the next time i feel the urge to say the things that randomly pop into my head, should i quell it and NOT say it? a niggling feeling says to hell with it and say what you want. but i do hate the blank looks and/or even worse - looks of disbelief. like i makes me feel stupid.

maybe i shud go around with a "I Not Stupid" tag. you thing ol' Jack Neo would pay me for endorsing? cuz money's good.

so cold.

finally went back to school. the dread; the dread. i seriously contemplated truancy. a few steps away from entering the school and halfway through school itself.

it was bad, real bad. i was visualising how my teacher would react if i just walked out of class. didn't think it would've made much of a difference niwae since i was hardly absorbing anything. too stoned.

i think people noticed i wasn't being myself.

i finally cried. in the middle of e.maths actually. nobody noticed execpt my best freind but that was only because my head was on her lap. it felt good and painful at the same time. it was the silent choking kind..the ones that have so much coming out, that it get's all trapped up inside.

thank god for my hoodie. all i had to was put up my hood and it hides my face. yay.

i felt better bit by bit afterwards. slowly.

i'm not completely over this period but it's getting better. now that i am, i'm being more rational over why i'm upset.

i felt..broken. incomplete. and my work was snowballing because i just ceased functioning like i usually do. and when i feel like something's missing, i close up. a missing link mebbe, a short circuit somewhere.

but the cause of it still remains. something's missing in my life. a spark of some sort. i seem to have lost it somewhere along the line and i need it. but i don't know what it is and i don't know where to find it. and i need it.

i'm incomplete.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


do we see what we see?
or do we paint.draw.create.carve
a reality that exists because of
and our twisted exquisite nightmares

look up. see the sky.
stretch your hand. try
just try; go on. scrabble
in an attempt

to own a piece of the sky

try touch it.
go on. hold it.

put it in you pocket and yes,
every now and then, reach
inside [touchfeelfondle] the fragment
of heaven now so rightfully

but you can't
you know you can't
and you've always known.

isn't it perfect?
undeniably impossible. unattainable
it /is/ perfect.

now look down. no it
isn't blue. it's
algae conquering the
concrete, traces of
the past present and maybe-future
there: tearscreamsweat

reach down.


it's not the heaven you wanted.
its wetgrittyheretherenow and


Feel the ice.


the cold draft
sweeps in.
the piercing slick sheet
of sheer satin. a cutting
forbidden nirvana.

bliss because i feel.
skin tingle; hair
stands. i'm alive

are you?

can you sense the chill?
the ache that comes with
time and the life that goes by
too fast. much too fast.
[blur and gone




no you don't
i know you don't

that's why i'm alone. right
her and now - deafened by the
silent solace i once thought had been my forbidden

it's hell/heaven/torment/bliss

since You do not feel:
not knowing (forgetting) how to

and i'm not.

its been raining, since thursday.

will it ever stop raining?

i Randomly messaged people to "tell" them my equally random observation of patches of algae growing on the grain of the concrete sidewalks. i don't thing the sidewalks have been dry since thursday.
and people found this observation disgusting. i don't.
i mean, it's not SLIMY. it's just slowly turning a patchy green.

i honestly thought it was quite interesting.

you mean it isn't? --.

i didn't go to school today. it's called voluntary absentism. i needed to stay away from school, be alone for awhile. temporarily misanthropic. and i suppose, beacuse i'm facing a lot of pressure from undone homework and unfulfilled 'responsibilities'. erk. i hate it.
it's all getting very draggy at Ye Olde Skule. The other day during recess, i plopped myslef down at my classroom's doorway to just zone out with Starsailor. and i akshulli fell asleep and deep sleep at that! i was akshulli dreaming. i woke up to see two councillors looking down at me and asking me to go down. how embarassing. geez.

there's something lacking these days and i'm not sure at all what. a spark is missing.

its been raining, since thursday.

will it ever stop raining?

i Randomly messaged people to "tell" them my equally random observation of patches of algae growing on the grain of the concrete sidewalks. i don't thing the sidewalks have been dry since thursday.
and people found this observation disgusting. i don't.
i mean, it's not SLIMY. it's just slowly turning a patchy green.

i honestly thought it was quite interesting.

you mean it isn't? --.

i didn't go to school today. it's called voluntary absentism. i needed to stay away from school, be alone for awhile. temporarily misanthropic. and i suppose, beacuse i'm facing a lot of pressure from undone homework and unfulfilled 'responsibilities'. erk. i hate it.
it's all getting very draggy at Ye Olde Skule. The other day during recess, i plopped myslef down at my classroom's doorway to just zone out with Starsailor. and i akshulli fell asleep and deep sleep at that! i was akshulli dreaming. i woke up to see two councillors looking down at me and asking me to go down. how embarassing. geez.

there's something lacking these days and i'm not sure at all what. a spark is missing.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004


the rain is bringing me down.
today was downdowndown.
i was snarly and sarcastic the whole day and when i wasn't, i was either silent and listless [as my friend so cheerfully pointed out] or sleeping.

and i dropped my starsailor cd case and the tip of it chipped off. phuck.


oh the woe-someness of mood swings.
i'm a horribly self-indulgent, pathetic arse wallowing in depression when i clearly know i have no excuse to. i make myself sick.

snap out of it? uh.

i was held up at NTUC's cashier trying to pay for my ONE can of chrys. tea by this fussy father who decided to change the can on abalone they were buying. so the poor cashier had to run around finding the right can, of the the right brand and the right price that satisfied the wife. inconsiderate. the queue was already so long and yet, gah! i was scowling by the time i left the place.

re-reading through this post, it has dawned upon my realization that i am being very whiny and pathetic. i am complaining and its not as if i actually have something substantial to complain about. though the sun may not be really shining, im still breathing [or mebbe that could be the problem] and i'm in no sort of moral dillemma or melodramatic, traumatic crisis whatsoever.
it's just petty pissy-offyness and quite childish at that.

sad. i am sad.

i probab should snap out of it dammit.

i feel a bit apologetic really. not for feeling down because i still firmly believe i have every right to feel whatever i want to feel. i feel apologetic to the people i'm hanging out with who bear with my mood swings and the recurrent funk that i sink into without clear reason, cause nor warning.

but then again, why feel sorry? its a tad annoying as well that i'm so readily willing to apologize. apologize for what exactly? if you don't like it, i'm not stopping anybody from leaving me alone until i get better. in fact, i LIKE being alone..but people, i'm expected to interact with people...since when did i care what others expect of me? always i suppose. nah, i've always been aware of it but most of the time, i completely disregard it..and sometimes, when i'm too tired to care myself, to spend my energy wading against the tide; i adhere to it.

i want to be alone.
and yet, i can't. not really.


because of my best friend. its gets quite scary when our co-dependence for each other's prescence is brought to the surface. its scary merely visualizing ignoring her completely for even a day. ..or being bad company by being sullen and all shit-mooded. she'd understand but I will feel bad for you know, having her to spend her time with somebody who temporarily misanthropic.

that's fucked up isn't it?


the rain is bringing me down.
"Sunshine in the glory skies, when the broken men open up their eyes
Sunshine in the glory skies, when the day is long the clouds are high

We're stepping through the door, we're shooting from the heart
But if we get it wrong, they'll feed us to the sharks"

Sharkfood; Starsailor.

a bit like our education system isn't it? oh yes, we're allowed to 'make mistakes' but the consequenses[?] are so grave and the stigma attached to it. it's a silent killer.

"You take because your neighbour does not see
That would seem like lunacy to me

This is my head, you're in my world
And there's no-one but you girl

Tie your lover down while you are free
That would seem like pure hypocracy"

Fidelity; Starsailor

Monday, January 26, 2004

make me fly.

"you've never learned to swallow it down, even when it's poison and it chokes you. And because I have learned it, because I don't bawl my eyes out over every bloody paper cut, you think I don't care. You think you can push me and push me and push me and I won't break"
-Draco Veritas (Cassandra Claire)

yayness, i bought myself the Starsailor and Nickeback's first CD!! whee. am quite cheery about it.

before i forget, i suppose i shud mention the 2nd madCAP reunion. it was pretty fun what with all the innuendos in Peter Pan..bern was unexpectedly a very good para-para dancer. it rained the whole day though so grk, orchard's no fun when it's pouring/drizzling. Starbuck's mocha frapp! serious caffeine rush man. and because i hadn't eaten much, it went straight to my blood stream. by the time half the frapp was downed, i was buzzing so much i couldn't still. it's a funny feeling, both pleasant and not. it gives me the same buzz when ur infatuated sorta but also the queasy feeling that comes with exams. funny. i can only wonder how i would react when intoxicated with alcohol. thankfully, i don't think i'll ever find out.

heh, today was quite fun. my friend, an art student as well has this paper mache piece in the works consisting of a considerably realistic human hand. i was helping her carry it on the way home when i had a brill idea. i was wearing my baggy, mossy sweater and i stuck the forelimb up one of my sleeves and it was hilarious seeing people's reaction to it! my friend and i did stuff like shaking hands and her sudd pulling it out and me then screaming my head off flapping my 'handless' sleeve...whee! it was funny doing ordinary stuff like pushing my hair back or checking out a pair of sneakers and to catch the expressions of passing people when they see a silver paper mache hand instead lol. i even managed to maneuver[?] the arm realistically! heh.

i really, REALLY like my art teacher. he's so nice! he gave the four of us hong baos[$4] even tho we didn't even visit him and we loitered at the car park so that 'co-incidentally' see us and give us a ride to the MRT station. i'm so glad that he'll only be leaving after we graduate..honestly, thinking about it. he spoils us quite. i mean, he gives us a free reign[?] in the art room and full excess to all it's materials no questions asked. and he lets us bend the rules too. we're allowed to eat/drink/use handphones/discmans openly and make as much noise and mayhem as we want. *sighs* i'll miss the days.

"Love. Such a selfish emotion. It feels only its own pains, knows only its own fervor, suffers only when its ambitions are thwarted. It makes the body a slave, and shackles the will to its narrow desires - and yet it is thought ennobling, why is that?"
-Draco Veritas (Cassandra Claire)

Sunday, January 25, 2004

never again.

NOte To Self: Post-Its are cool, but stick they do not when you're caught in the thronging masses of squealing girls with a complete and blatant disrespect for my need of personal space.

i am pissed because a girl who was completely NORMAL except for a lousy showercap got picked and i didn't because everybody was squishing me. that is the lowest. pft. i was covered in over 700++ Post-Its and no, not even a look. i had a bloody METAL bucket on my head. Cello??
grk. it was all fun and fine when we were sticking the Post-Its on me. it was really funny. and i had all these corny/lame/dirty one-liners spilling out of my mouth and when i hopped, all the Post-Its shook and i look like [as my friend so readily pointed out] a short Big Bird. it was FUNNY ok and i caught somebody sneaking a shot of me on her Exilim. i WANT that camera. but no matter.

honestly, what really got me was all the shoving i received. i hated it. i got claustrophobic and seriously PISSED. like, i need to breathe?? gerroff me! fuck. never again.
but i suppose it was good i experienced the Crowds now at a roadshow then sometime in the future at a concert i paid $100 to attend and realize im not having a good time cuz im getting crushed. yes.

huh. and i realized something was wrong with me when Utt appeared and i appeared to be the only one not caught up in the mass hysteria. hrm. i'm a do-crazy-stuff-in-public person, but not really shrieking-in-public person...unexpectedly. i thought i was, and yet i'm not. the only screaming i did was to try and get them to PICK me so i could get out of the friggin; crowd. and half and hour after he appeared and after i lost about 50% of my hearing capabilities, i realized how STUPID it all was.

it's just a guy. coincidentally a cuter than the average cute guy but it was ONLY him. and all these girls were shrieking at him, telling him how hot he was and that he has a cute butt and...well throwing themselves at him. i realized how sad and pathetic it was getting. and i especially realized how this was all inflating his most probably already inflated ego and that dearies, was what really made me feel sick. i wanted to tell them to you know, to just get a grip but they wouldn't have paid attention to me anyways. so, i valiantly continued my attempts to get picked to make the entire thing at least worth it (and the $60).

i'm not sure whether i've mentioned it earlier but if you asked me again to parade covered in 700++ POst-Its with a bucket on my head down Orchard Road, yes i will. a LOUD resounding yes. but never, ever at a mob-like roadshow. or any mob. ever.


Saturday, January 24, 2004

note to self and other "normal" people

-->under no circumstances shall you got to East Coast Park when it's wet, gloomy and especially if it's at night [invisible mud puddles are eville] and camping over is just INHUMANE. right? right.

i mean, hello??? camping is supposed to be nice, warm and a bit windy. not waiting for the chicken to cook while enjoying the a-bit-heavier-drizzle. cant say i had a abso. crappy time ystd. went to the jetty which was NOT near by, gack. by the time we got there, our crayfish got cold and weird tasting. *sighs* at least my stomach isnt convulsing in protest this morning. anyways, it was nice looking out at the waves and just chatting.
can you believe my 'tougher' relatives are still roughing it out there this morning?? geez. it's cold, wet and raining. and the only thing worse that BBQ-ing when its cold, wet and raining [ie. ystd] is waking up and having to take a shower when its cold wet and raining. yayness.
their sufffering out there and here i am, sitting comfortably in front of my computer in semi-darkness listening to bjork. hello?

im almost embarassed at my state of outdoorsy non-sportingness. oh wait- im not. potentially stumbling on some dog/cat shit in pitch darkness is NOT my definition of fun.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

*funny incident*

{about to leave the house with my family to go to the cinema}

Mudder: tris, tie ur drawstring pants.
Brudder/tris: huh? i tuck it in can areddi lah!
me: [seeing something i wished i ddn] tris! ur not wearing briefs!
brudder: i am!
me: ur not!
brudder: i am!
me: ur not! i saw! ur not!
mudder: [gropes his butt] ur not tris!
me: and you can so blatantly lie!
brudder: hrngh!

*note: my brudder's in P4 and i ddn see his bits, i saw his groin area. but even if i did, it wudn be a big deal cuz he does do a fair share of wokking around nude so.

**i just find this exchange of words rather amusing lol

pain, the pain!

yes, you guessed it. i'm in pain.

it's the aftermath of 7 hours of ice-skating.

times like these, i ask myself why i torture myself so. why do i wilingly go through it, knowing that it leaves my thighs and calves sore, ankles aching and every joint protesting against movement and limping my way through the next few days. then i remember.

i like it.
*the skating; not the pain you sadistic freak.*

anyways, my phone is working again! i salute you godly Nokia engineers. honestly! my phone was WET ystd, the INSIDE metal bits were wet and all the buttons were not responding then this morning- woah. although dammit, now i dont have an excuse to wheedle out a new phone from my dad. oh well.

ddn do any "happy CNY" msging today-unexpectedly. ive been ignoring my phone and the messages that i receive quite a bit akshulli. and consistently ignoring a certain sender. he just...annoys me u noe? he's a nice guy i suposse but mebbe he's just too...forward for my liking. ironically still, i feel guilty. geez.


moving ON, i finally managed to catch School of Rock today
{squeals} the drummer! the drummer! he's SO draco!!! {/squeal} yes, now that THAT'S over, i'll just like to add that watching the flick made me feel awfully sad [no, not at the horrid state of Jack Black's hair] at my lack of musical talent. oh woe is me, i have no sense of rhythm whatsoever and i really would LOVE to rock out like they did. heck, i akshulli LIKED my short stint in my school band cuz i honestly do love the idea of making music.

i just wished i was competent enuff.

frock, i couldn't even manage playing my recorder during music lessons. *sighs* oh the shame.

im feeling really wistful about it now. i've always wanted to play the drums. but like my band instructor told me eons ago and my ineptness of CAPcupping showed, i have no rhythm/hand-eye coordination or whatever you need to play.
and i really liked my clarinet or the short time i spent with it anyway. it's just that my fingers simply refused to obey and my mind was too...slow? to read the notes etc.

it's hopeless.

i suppose i'll just sit back and enjoy music since i cant create it and when i do try, i destroy it. i'll be a groupie and yes, worship the music.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

i've decided.

i've read a couple of bloGs with posts discussing the amount of bare truth or the lack of it in their own bloGgs. they say they feel...guilty? that their sometimes not completely honest in their entries.

i used to think that one should be honest as well, brutally if so. but now, im starting to feel that i shudn't feel obligated to compromise my position and write stuff [vomit out] what i really feel. i shudn't be obligated to expose myself for the world to poke, prod and analyse. i suppose this is where i draw the line concerning my privacy and how much of myslef i want to disclose to the world wide web.
i'm not going to be brutally honest if i don't want to, i will write what i want and it's my right to edit, falsify, blatantly lie or be painfully bitchy if i want to. henceforth, i'm putting in a disclaimer.

tired bliss.

there's this malay drama on Suria revolving around the life and troubles of teenage delinquents [oh cliches galore!] but it's entertaining!

i laugh my arse the not supposed to be funny bits. like the lead "lian"; i find her lines extremely amusing. she a good actress i suppose, but it just sounds FUNNY.
eg: "eh, budak taik!"
translated, it means "eh, shit kid!"

its sounds funnier in malay.

if figure skating was easy; it'd be called hockey.

hee, this figure skater guy had that slogan on his T today. i find it funny cuz there's always been a slight rivalry between hockey and figure skaters. the hockey's find figure skating sissy and geeky and the f.skater's find them brash, rude with no class at all.
it's quite funny akshulli; both feeling disdainful of each other and being unhappy at the space the other takes up.

me? i prefer figure skating. generally, it's an alone thing. the hockey skaters are very clique-y. like today, there was a whole bunch of them and when one of them falls down, the one nearest to him wud skate up and spray ice on the fella. it's all good-natured but still. and they speed skate in groups which for me, is NOT a good thing. fortunately though, im competent enuff not to be left spinning out of control when they zoom by me. im not great, but im *competent* so yay.

honestly, i dont really like the h.skaters. they swagger and are very...hao lian. pft. and there were a bunch of girls today with hockey skates swaggering around [yes, you can swagger/strut when you skate] but i reckon i could skate better than them. *rolls eyes*
yes, im shamelessly dissing them and simultaneously putting in a good word for myself.

grk, i fell down and my phone skidded on the ice and landed in a puddle of water. it's gone kookoo but generally, 3610s are pretty hardy. ive dropped mine from th etop of my double decker bed so many times ive lost count so it SHUD be ok. *crosses fingers*

heh, tokking bout falls, ive had my fair share of embarassing ones. once, i collided head-on with this beng who was going really fast and the both of us literally flew before landing on the ice. *shudders* that one was the worst ive had so far.
another time, i stumbled and landed on my knees so i was in a kneeling position. i skidded and slammed into the tranparent plexiglass [?] barrier ala cartoon style just as a group of ppl were wokking by. now THAT, was mortifying.

how crazy/masochistic can i get when it comes to skating? once, i was so caught up in it, that i ddn realize something was wrong even though my foot was hurting like HELL. even though i was hobbling around like i just started skating, i continued because i though it wud go away. when i came home, i realized that i had strained my ankle and it had gone all swollen and red. gah.

i feel a bit bad today, because i um, collided with ppl a couple of times today. i ddn make them fall but it's embarassing. sometimes, i misjudge and my arm/foot swings out at the wrong time and the wrong place. and sometimes, i collide with them because uh, here's a secret: i can't stop.

i honestly don't know how to. i can stop when i want to but when it comes to situations that require immediate braking and when you're going fast, i can't. damn. it's rEALLY embarassing.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004

if you can read this, you're too close.

i feel a bit stupid. there are reasons for, stupidity. ok i'll shut up now before i really end up sounding stupid. whoops, too laate.

fuck, dont read this entry please. honestly, it's crap.

the title; its supposed to be a bumper sticker but i thought it might make sense here as well.

plagued by PMS today. spent alot of time alone and an hour taking a nap on the porcelain throne at school because i skipped malay in an attempt to avoid my teacher and the pile of homework i have not done.
i spent an hour in the teensy toilet cubicle perched on the bowl in an unexpectedly comfy position and managed to take a proper shut-eye while listening to coldplay.

a friend of mine got assaulted by a bunch of malay girls claiming she was out to steal their guy or someting like that. shit, she had bruises and knife scratches and they cut her hair. fuck them. i feel so...violated that they treated her that way. it's impossible that she was guilty of what they accused her of because she's currently really hung up on this other guy SO. my god. fuck. i feel horrid and i'm not even sure why.

i have this habit...or character attribute i suppose. i tend to assimilate/absorb other people's troubles and i carry them around with me in addition of my own shit.

i'm horribly self-indulgent. oh no.

PMS sucketh muchos. extreme moodswings galore....let's see, one moment i was staring moodily into blank space and the next, we were sticking my post-it's on our heads with words like "empty" and "hollow" and sticking quotes of Shakespeare on our mouths..truly ridiculous.

occured to me that before CAP, or the portfolio; i never used to write much. i only wrote for school assignments and in my diary. im not even sur ei enjoy writing much. i suppose i do, since it comes to me more than usual nowadays.

oh happiness. another character attribute: i readily sink into moody depression but i feel the need to stay chirpy and smiley when others are in depressed even if i feel just a low. an effort to keep things light-hearted i suppose. even if it doesn't really work. weird.

Saturday, January 17, 2004



know what annoys me?

spelling errors in MSN nicks. not the careless ones, mind you.
can someone please tell a certain someone that there is only one C in exotic?

Friday, January 16, 2004

the poodle

she was nice to me today. *gagpukegag* i'm not falling for it you biyatch!

ooh, more crazy stuff involving paper coloured with black marker! lol, erm, i had my hitler moustache on but we crried it on further. i cut out more strips of paper to make the arrows [?] that for a sergeant rank and the straps of cloth you out on your shouldr and it really looked convincing! and with a bad, not-so German accent and the Nazi salute, it was hilarious.
ok, I thought it was funny. /some/ ppl tot it wasnt. pah, notably those who had to work to earn their rank since their in ACTUAl uniform group whereas, i <> manged to do so in less than half an hour! *sour grapes*

went orchard with mudder for mother-daughter bonding sesh. i do NOT like coffee bean's mocha frapp. *sighs* my mother was too lazy to walk to starbucks cuz we were "all the way" at Centerpoint. geez.

i spent some time roaming around Heeren by myself and *hyprventilates* i found an Emily sweater!!!!!!!!!!!! the ORIGINAL!!!!!! the one designed, made and printed by Cosmic Debris all the way from the US!!!!! not the cheaplow quality ones thats printed in thailand!! it was GORGEOUS!!!!
::breathesbreathes:: was $80.

*crawls into a corner to sulk and moan about her empty wallet*

what kind of eville are you?

which geek decade do you belong to?

I'm pretty damn hard core! Fear me!

which annoying internet entity are you?

Thursday, January 15, 2004



blogger has a new posting layout!! it's great, doesn't hang [..yet] and it's more clear and its generally muchos better to 'work' with.

thank you invisible people working behind Blogger to make it a more wonderful experience, whee!!

gak, im feeling very light-headed and dizzy all of a sudden. my head is *spinning*...ok, what's wrong with me?

What Sort of Hat Are You? I am a Top-hat.I am a Top-hat.

I'm a bit of a jack-of-all-trades; creative, in a stylistic sort of way, a little vain, a little dark, perhaps a little archaic. I get on alright with people, but I can take them or leave them. What Sort of Hat Are You?


What Sort of Hat Are You? I am a Beret.I am a Beret.

I am an art-house artist. I do things in unusual ways; if I were to make a movie, it would be notably 'independent'. If I were to make music, it would be 'experimental'. I may sometimes seem pretentious, but it's not a pretence. What Sort of Hat Are You?

i am a self-proclaimed masochist

why do i say so?

because i have been putting myself through the torment of combing through the iPod pages and eBay. i stare at the pictures, longing, wanting, needing the iPod.

lol. that sounds a tad dodgy but no matter.

i want it. bad.

i got kicked out of CME class

i cant believe it myself and for the most unreasonable fuckiest reason! geez. i was DOODLING in my sketch book. the first time, she asked me a question hoping to catch me unaware but i managed to answer it since i was half-listening and did so with considerable eloquence which i think pissed her off a tad. so pah, i continued doodling..i honestly didn't see any wrong in it and then she asked me to get out of class 'and go to the art room' or some shit like that. i was SHOCKED. she was absofuckinglutely over-reacting and i wasnt sure she was serious so i sat there and blinked at her for a few moments before i got up and left. geez. i wasnt even DISRUPTING the

hah, and if you think that's the end of the story...oh no. i havent mentioned the mandatory after-lecture. do you know what fuckshit she told me???

[quote] "i've noticed you speak well and sound educated but you act uneducated."

i was stunned. why?

cuz the noticing me before bit was her referring to my um, trouble-maker "record" and what really got me is, i act UNEDUCATED???
now clearly, i havent been acting hooliganish in her class since today was only our second lesson and i do NOT think doodling in class is....uneducated. she has been under the fucking impression that i was a stereotypical stupid, no-gooder. she had thought that i was uneducated!!! she had categorized me into the 'delinquent bum who'll end up with 20++ for my O's and be a nuisance to the school and society'!!!

i have NEVER been so insulted in my whole life.

i have been kicked out of class, and gravely insulted by a fucking poodle.

i hope her hair bursts into flames and the chemicals give her cancer the next time she perms the abnomility that lives on her head.

i am so peeved.

Monday, January 12, 2004

staring failure in the eye.

[aura:tired and stinky.]

didnt get in to the mentorship programme thang. im ok i suppose. i kinda expected it so when i received the news [at 5 something in the morning no less], i was quite ok. but THT was because i um, was half-asleep. it only really dawned upon me on the way to school in the bus..but still im fine. it wasn't my best work and if that's my standard, well yeah.
i suppose i was harbouring a bit of.....pissy-offyness because i DID have several short outbursts lamenting the rejection to my clueless and unfortunate friends.

my reaction to events that upset me is pretty unstable. i'm mostly quiet and i sub-consciously throw myself into work for distraction. so all is calm in the surface then BOOM. my outburst, a very loud, fast rattling of whatver is upsetting me and woe betide to teh person on the receiving end. cuz it can get very LOUD and i speak vERY fast so i end up sounding like a hyperactive, upset squirrel on caffeine. lol. a tad embarassing though cuz ppl tend to stare.

pay no attention to my title. its just a phrase that ran through my head the whole day, esp when i was facing my art teacher, my supposed "empty" folio and blank giant paper. shit.
i don't know why, but my teacher has this aura that just makes you want to seek his approval. and he's not mean..he's a nice old uncle who jokes with us etc. oh well. but i figured what to do for my o level paper1 final piece. *phew* now let's just hope it turns out well.

my biggest fear: mediocrity.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

werglewerglewergle suffering from the effects of drinking too much chocolate milk when you're lactose intolerant. oh what fun.

blogspot is fucking up again, more proof that it sucketh muchos. everytime i try to go to a blogspot bloGg, it redirects me to the home page.

oh yes, rant of the day: my religious classes.
don't get me wrong, i have nothing against islam and it's teachings. in fact, i like being a muslim. i howerver cannot stand the classes my mother makes me attend. i can't STAND it. i hate the preachy way they teach and i'm bored to death there..gerk, and obviously it's in MALAY which makes it even worse. ive failed all the exams and my mum still refuses to release me from the torment. *sighs* ALSO in my opinion, the way she keeps forcing me there, i feel it;s making me turn away from it all which is definitely not good.

half the time when i actually go, i plug in into my trusty discman. so while he's doing his preachy thang, i'm listening to my evanescence...what about the other half when i don't go? truancy. hey, i don't like it much either. i have nowhere to go! name me one shopping center or library that's opened at 8 in the morning?? *sighs* so i end up making rounds all over singapore on the mrt. i NEED somewhere to go for 3hrs on sunday mornings, gack.

my mudder asked as well why i hate being made to speak malay. i suppose it's traumatic. because it's horridly awkward and being like other normal people, try to avoid awkward situations. and also because of prior and current experiences of utter humiliation.

there have been incidents when certain people taunted the fact i speak english and english only.
incidents when people taunt my weirdly 'accented' malay. i suppose i sub-consciously stopped speaking it. still happens now and then when a word pops into a sentence and i'm still greeted by laughs. of amusement this time but it stil makes me cringe.


Friday, January 02, 2004

woah, fuck.

the first day of skule *SIGHS*
absofuckingly bittersweet. it was whack.

let's see...we got tham + tay! again! wahahahaha..lit's really gonna be fun and most of the times, irrelevent but hey, it;s the utter crapping that makes it so utterly..tham-ish.

rmb the snape-like teacher i was supposed to get this year for SS? he transferred! this really sucks, cuz he's a really fantastic teacher and we'll never have the 'oppurtunity' to be taught by him, gah! and you know what's even more incredulous? he ASKED to be transferred and SPECIFICALLY to West Spring Sec. no offense to West Spring ppl out there, but if he left OUR skule for THEIRS, he must really hate our p'pal and his other colleugues. FYI, west spring is typical, new /neighbourhood/ skule. well, really! ..i don't mean to be snobby and all, but hey!

the ickle firsties are really quiet. expected i suppose but i hope they warm up and start making NOISE by next week cuz last year's batch stayed quite the whole year i think. or mebbe they were drowned out by all the noise our batch was making. mmph! well anyway, my best friend had the 'brill' idea to go pop into one of the classes and pretend to be sec one...wud be funny, except we DON'T look sec one and if we *did*, i think i would be slightly insulted. pfft.
SO, we peeped in, and they were all sitting quietly in their individual seats..not talking. geez. i tell you, that's the problem when seats are arranged in invidual rows, exam-style. they don't talk. asked a few questions, trying to make small talk and was replied by frightened faces. god, they were like deer caught in the middle of the road. i sorta gave up then and started bantering with my best friend..which i realized entertained them. *hmmm* egads. we continued ranting stupidly and crazily hoping to get them light-hearted enuff to well..make convos of their own. glerk, ddn quite work tho. but i caught a couple of them akshulli smiling so that's a teeny yay.
we only managed to go to one class because the Good Side [councillors] had already moved in into the others so we *couldn't* invade them. oh well. so we did the next best thing. we went up and down the sec one corridors screaming slogans. ok, so fine, i did most of the screaming but it was fun nonetheless. heheh, nonsensical rant telling them to start loving their maroon skirts. o0.

saw Tiger aka DM aka mr tan. he's hair's grown taller. think the p'pal went for a dressing course over the holz, she looks a TEENY bit better than usual. moan and groan we did when we realized who form teacher was.
pep talks galore and my former form teacher and current e.maths teacher promised to bring us to Malaysia after our 'o's..geez, i nearly said next year. Note to self: it's THIS year. This.
we love him, we really do. he's almost lieka father to us so who says old geezers arn't fun? their wry humour is...amusing.

i suppose my school in that aspect i quite cool. i really like my teachers. the ones i actually like, i like LOADS.

heh, so my operations manager. well, akshulli i smelled him before seeing him. i wonder what colgne he uses. must be a cheap one or he must be very rich to be able to replenish his supply so often. my mudder calls him pants cuz likes to wear this teeny jogging shorts in schoo0l and it's really gross cuz he has really hairy legs. ick.

gack, but reality hit me once again that i wasn't in CAP later on in class. sitting with my friends and 'realized' that they had started conversing in Chinese and doink, i had no idea what was going on. so i turned away and plugged in my discman. *sigh* where the bloody hell is the ENGLISH??