Tuesday, December 28, 2004

okay here's the customary post about the aceh earthquakes and resulting tsunamis.

first of all, do not mistake what i am about to write as callousness or insensitivity, because it is most certainly is not. i am reacting exactly the same way as i did towards the iraq beheadings; it is horrid and terrible, and i feel near-distraught about the rising death tolls but that doesn't mean i want my face rubbed in with the videos of endless destruction and other such depressing news.

it's become a warped and sick freakshow the way people are glued to updates of the destruction and horror. of course, we're concerned and worried too, but i think there must be another factor that causes people to have a twisted fascination with the scenes of complete ruination.

i think the victims of the disaster deserve more respect and dignity than being made into a horror video/graphic montage for the fascination of others.

its terrible to see the twisted bodies among the rubble, and worse of all, the faces of the distraught and distressed. i feel guilty because i'm here, safe and unbruised. and that's possibly one of the reasons why i cannot bear to watch. i visited my doctor ex-neighbours today, they were taking turns to fly off to northern malaysia to lend a hand. they say the Red Cross is asking for money donations, and also need lots of fresh water, clothes and blankets. so yeah, keep a look out for donation drives, Mercy Relief included. at least i think its a better way to react than just sitting in front of the tv going oh gawd oh gawd.

sorry if i sound preachy.

Monday, December 27, 2004

all right all right i refoooose to think about not-so-cheery things. i will remain upbeat, even if it means repressing an actual part of me because it is just the plain truth that i consist of a good portion of melancholy. but NO, i will push it down and keep it down with my new chunky brown 'leather' sneakers! i shall overcome any growing pooey-ness with the point of a pointy object, in this case, my mother's rather nice mechanical pencil. that she will never give me, darn!

like the 406 class chalet.

i am occupying my time with marinade recipe ideas, and by the roses of the spring by truth honour and everything (heheh), i swear that it will TASTE good. call out the butter herbs honey and soy sauce! ..and nadya, you are coming over on the 30th to help me clean the chicken.

i was watching tv the other day and was piqued, then horrified when i heard Beck's everybody's gotta learn sometime from the Eternal Sunshine OST in an advertisment filled with painfully melodramatic faux crying, advertizing for the upcoming season of american idol. it was so cheesy so cringey and oh just so bad - its sacrilege! *snarls*

i am bored. i can't wait for school to start. i've already ironed several sets of my school uniform, got my shoes, found my socks, and have already written a list of what to pack into my schoolbag because to actually pack it in now might uh, actually push it too far ahead into Geek-dom. when i was younger, i got reaaally excited about school, and used to pack my bag 2 weeks before school started and oh gosh it was (is) so fun! the fresh new smell of schoolbooks, fresh new stationery neatly organized into the bag in an order that only makes sense to my neurotic inclinations. i would even hang up my entire uniform on a single hanger in the order that i put it on; the the outer-most layer would be the underwear, the blouse, the pinafore, then the belt, and then the socks. it was a whole ritual that i thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed.

of course, now i have no time to indulge in this idiosyncrasy because the last days of the holiday are spent panicking (note panicking, not doing) over holiday homework. but now, yes i can revert back to my usual over-excited over school Inner Geek - hahahahahaha. i am actually genuinely happy.

first week would be only orientation though.

which brings me back to four years back during my secondary 1 orientation. maybe you noticed my slight unenthusiasm for the orientation thingamajig; this was exactly how i felt back then too. i remember the councillors talking to us ickle things during the orientation, briefing us about all the fun games and awesome activities we had in store, and i raised my hand and asked,

when do the lessons start?

and they just stared at me like the huge uber-geek that i was.

huh. and i was still disappointed when the lessons started slooow with all those stupid introductions and all i wanted to do was to start LEARNING. this might turn out to be a rather embarrassing entry, now the whole world shall know that beneath all my apparent laziness, i am an Enthusiatic Student! what ho, engulf me with books of Knowledge, quench my thirst with the fountain of Learning and all the other schooling cliches~

like omg, bring it on!

Friday, December 24, 2004

i am sick of the rather gloom and doom entries i have been posting. there is no reason for them because, well, what's there to be gloomy and doomy about anyway? things are going Good, not perfect but enough.

so, no more.

first thing to be happy about is that my appeal into cjc has gone through. before i yabber on though, i must must must remember to thank nadalala because it was her who dragged me down to cj for the appeal because i did not want to bother then. without her um, dragging, i might have missed out from the very appealing(!) new art programme there - so THANK YOU. also, thanks to charmaine and matthew who accompanied me to the very unexpected interview with the principal.

i'm listening to the spice girls' first album! i still like it! oh i hail thee perfectly engineered music for mass consumption - they just don't do it as well anymore. like c'mon, no one else can compare to the global phenomenon of success-without-much-talent of the spice girls. not even britney can compare, she who had to resort to slut sex appeal (that word again!) and who's kitsch was just not as entertaining as the spice girls' girrrrrrrrrl poweR! i salute them. admit it, they rocked, and still do rock my socks.

and nowadays, they just don't make mass consumption music the way they used to anymore pish-posh! or maybe the reason for my disdain is probably because the new airwave hoggers are those crap pseudo-punk and hip-hop crappers(!).

this is a very short entry. hmm. what else do i have to say filler filler come on think of something remotely interesting to commit on this temporary web space.

all right let's talk about movies.


the aviator
friday night lights.
maria full of grace
million dollar baby

in caps, the ones i have watched and in bold, the only one out of the three that i think ought to win. come on! S2 and the incredibles, you have got to be kidding me. maybe i have not heard the latest news bulletin about hollywood not making enough movies, so they have to pick filler movies to complete the list of 10. spidey2 was no big deal, ALSO, toby maguire looked fugly in the sequel i do not know why.

thinking about it now, i think there are 2 american movies missing from that list; namely, finding nemo and mean girls. okay okay due to my not very dependable memory, finding nemo was not from 2004 but mean girls should be there! verily, it is the definitive adolescent social dissection movie ever. for managing to do that, while keeping it hilarious and chock full of memorable lines and characters, i think it ought to be up there. pooey.

so here's my list of my favourite movies.

1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2. fight club
3. moulin rouge
4. saw
5. mean girls
6. finding nemo
7. devdas
8. girl, interrupted
9. a.i
10. love, actually

omg omg their showing the *nsync celebrity concernt on the disney channel - teenybopper regression! see, before i turned to credible music around late sec 2, i was a shameless boyband/mainstream sugar junkie fan. oh the shaaame the shaaaame! but still, even now, i like their music. like mentioned earlier, i dont like the new junk, but i still hold my old junk very dearly. my spice girls oldbritney backstreet boys nsync wonderful wonderful memories. okay okay im going to go watch now hahahahaha buh-byeeeee

my name is izyanti asaari, and i was a boyband junkie.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

"Understanding is a luxury you should not expect."

found this in a blog. possibly, Lesson No. 1 for life post-secondary school.

i miss secondary school. nothing profound to say today; except that maybe despite my efforts to make sure that i did not take anything for granted during my time in there (especially the last 2 years, of course), i think i still managed to. little things that i only just realized may not be so easily found out There.

i hate the idea of going around and people telling me that i'm not good enough. and i hate the idea that all this while, i've been saying im an under-achiever (AND tried to improve the situation) but maybe, this is what i am anyhoo.

but whatever. i am NOT going to be all gloom and doom. in the situation that i do end up in the jc that i've been posted too for pae, i will be all right. i will make the best of things, cue cake's 'i will survive'! things will be okay, i will handle things gaaaaaaah bring it on!!

at least, that what i keep telling myself haha. maybe it's better to be delusioned after all, if that's the only way to keep plodding on. it seems to be quite a good plan.

next thing on the list: rent furry easter bunny suit, wear it and run down orchard road past all the santas and going AHAHAHAHAHAHA - waaaait, who messed up my calander?? i think it will hilarious, and i need a dosage of hilarity to keep myself sane.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


wow i really do seem to be blogging a lot recently.

at first i wanted to blog about my sister. am worried about her, she's almost constantly cranky and sulky, and well, she's pissing kinda everyone at home. i suppose it's just a phase, but nevertheless it could be a long-term phase HAH. and what if she ends up in a crap school? this is not good.

i dunno. i talked it out with my mum, so maybe things will work out. anyhoo my conscience is niggling that i should not be as they say, airing our dirty laundry.

maybe it is paranoid as well, but i do worry that maybe she might not respect me; she might now, but what about later when she's older and angstier? i don't know how i will be able to you know, steer her in the right direction if she does not respect me. it seems quite comical now, hilarious even, but an hour ago, i hypothesized that maybe she might not respect me because *drumroll* i do not/have not had a boyfriend. IT IS POSSIBLE. she could think me pathetic, especially when she goes to secondary school and is surrounded by people with thriving lovelives. she will think i am not 'cool'. not only is this intensely embarassing, it brings up the whole she-wont-listen-to-me issue! and honestly, pushing her to 'Uncool' things like listening to the parents, stopping the angst will really not help.

augh. in print, this whole thing sounds silly and blown out of proportion, but it's very real. i am worried. i don't want her to end up in monkey crap.

on another note, and another person, i worry that this person does not need me anymore. i try to be there for her, but it's not like she opens up much on this matter to me. i sense something wrong, but i can't do anything. i can't, and i don't know how to. so she gets the advice from someone else. i suppose she feels more natural asking her, and it makes sense . like hey, what do i know about relantionships right? all i do is give hazy advice based on my equally hazy hypothesis based on theories observation and yes, magazine articles. i have no /actual/ experience. not thinking about the whole pathetic-ness of my situation, it also feels horrid. even when i do give advice, it feels empty hollow and false because despite everything, i know nothing! its nuts i know, but i do feel like a silly naive child at times like these.

i know nothing.

also, i realized i've never actually been presented with a situation that tested my self-control. there have always been external factors, mainly parental - omg no i can't i'll be grounded oh naaah can't i gotta go home, or i'll get a massive yelling etc. never have i been faced with an oppurtunity for me to go all right. this is where i must stop, and will stop. and i suppose only then when i learn this will i have properly grown up.

maybe, i've been failing all this while, and have not noticed it.

so many things to worry about. the annoying thing of course, is the fact that it is needless. self-inflicted! really, how silly can you get? very, apparently. i worry about flailing friendships, my sister, PAE results, PAE itself, the fact that i'm doing nothing, my Os papers, the handwriting that was on it, whether i was detailed enough during the bio, how many careless mistakes did i do for e.math, omg omfg english, augh augh my lit essays.

i feel thoroughly stupid because of the above.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

a short moment of bitterness, that spurred a moment of bitchiness last night (yes so i ended up sleeping at 0330):

This NOT the type of essay you were taught to write! It is more like a dialogue, but not even a normal dialogue.

What kind of story is it, anyway??

How can you simply try out a new and untested text type in an exam?!!
You're simply commiting academic suicide!

And look at your handwriting! How can you expect any examiner to be able to read it without squinting his eyes and tearing his hair off in frustration?! I'm truly saddend by what you have done.

- S.Lee

i hated her so much. this was what she wrote at the bottom of my Cartoons exponential thing (see archives). if i ever ever publish a book, i'm dedicating it to her with an exact quote of the above. i hate her i hate her.

soon, one day, i will get over this. one day, i will choose to get over it. possibly i might forgive her. for now though, you're getting coal in your saggy pantyhose suzie!

i am supposed to be sleeping now, because i will be waking up fairly early tomorrow. but i am not. why.

you know how people have a bedtime glass of milk or a read before they sleep, well for me it is mindless activities like blog-hopping or playing that good old archaic game - tetris. and sometimes in the process of such mindless activities, said mind gets bored and starts a-wandering. it rewinds the happenings of the day, scrutinizing every inane detail and conversation. like how chilly it was when i was in the comaparatively looong bus ride, and how wonderful it was to be back out in the sun when i finally got to my stop. and the shophouses i passed, possibly one of my favourite singaporean architectural works. and the slight nausea i felt because i was reading. and the thankfully short msn conversation i had with a friend who possibly has a completely dead personality. maybe it is just me, maybe we do not click as they say. maybe HE thinks that I'M the boring dead fish, but i just think he has no sense of humour whatsoever and has a one-dimensional perception of the world.

also, i remember the parents convincing me to go for this three day motivational seminar organized by some religious uh, organization. the fact that it was religious-y (i think) does not make me as wary as the fact that it will be in malay (i think). but the whole pointy point here is that it is THREE days. listen, i have THINGS to do in three days! they may think that all i do is aimless wandering and pondering in my room and sporadic jaunts out with friends but they are WRONG. i am *melodrama* an artist! i am working here - what you see as stoning slacking and daydreaming is in fact, me pleading for the muses to possess me! oh these artless creatures, they will nevah understand me! i am a poor misunderstood artist!

whine whine sob sob.

but, the truth is, im kinda intimidated by the length of it. in a sense, it's a commitment. three days, you know. what if i hate it, and i'll still have to come back for another miserable two days? i've never been for prolonged misery. cut it short and brutally, i say! i suppose there is a good chance that i might actually enjoy it. so i might actually go, since despite my insistence that i have Important Things To Do, this is in fact, a falsehood.

i do not.

oh i digress. the reason why i brought up the topic of this seminar thing was because of what my dad said to me when i went --ehhhhh i dowana go-- (yes very sad i know. i am not very eloquent when being pressured by parents). he told me there was going to be wonderful speakers, they'll be giving speeches about teenage responsibity and leadership and don't you always talk about being a leader

waaaaaaaait, hold on there, said i.

for these past adolescent years, i have never said anything about wanting to be a leader of any sort. those inclinations died when i left primary school and i realized with much then-bitterness that Authoritian Figures did not like me. fine so there were those little group projects when the *melodrama again* the heavy heavy burden of omg that R-word, yes responsibilty fell on to me. but that hardly matters i think, because the majority of my efforts flopped pathetically. no do not deny this, i remember everything with much cringiness.

and so, despite (still) thinking that i would make an awesome president of the student's council, prior experience and general social labelling, i am quite willing to accept that me, leader - ehh. not going to happen.

well, at least in secondary school. which i have since left, a few weeks ago. jc/poly, who knows? it might be in the cards. why why why do i keep setting myself up for situations for me to crash and burn?? i do not know, colour me stubborn.

Friday, December 10, 2004

maybe it's overly cynical, but i think i have lost a good portion of my faith in journalism. this is a big deal because the idea of journalism as a career has ALWAYS lurked around since i was a kid. that is how much journalism has played a part in my life.

journalism is about conveying the truth isn't it, and me, being terribly idealistic and stubbornly
so - i can't accept the paradox of censorship and commercialism co-habiting with journalism. it's not only not right, it cancels out everything! how can they peacefully exist, when the concepts will inevitably interfere?

i cannot see how a journalist can make a cuttingly honest political analysis when there's censorship to consider. even the mundane things like movie reviews - notice how movies distributed by gigantahumoungous companies who have splashed out full-page ads hardly hardly ever get poor reviews? and i am still very much pissed by the co-incidental placing of the full-page Mango ad adjacent to the page 2 news of the beheading in iraq. no prizes for guessing the carefully calculated positioning and the extra money paid to get that attention-grabbing spot. maybe im just paranoid, but pbbt.

sensationalism sensationalism ignore the black and white you can only see in grey write what the paying readers want to hear write what the government tells you to shut up shut up red tape write what we tell you to write well here i am back in secondary school with suzanna lee.

when i told mother dearest about my *drum roll* disillusionment, she said i was being narrow-minded because she thought i was talking only about being a normal print journalist. but oh no mother, i corrected her. in fact, i have thought this very well out. it is one of the things that occupy my mind during Bathroom Time. i cannot be a political analyst though it is very fascinating, because i am not brilliant enough. being a mother, she of course denied my claim - said she, how do you know, you've never tried it! oh ho-hum, would you like to see 2 years worth of history essays? wait, lemme try find it in the pile of papers that i was planning to make a bonfire with.

then she said, well, what about being a magazine writer? and i choked.

to be honest, it did use to sound appealing to me. magazines here refer to women and fashion magazines.

oh whot fun! i don't buy them anymore because long ago, i realized they were telling me the same things over and over again and thank you, i've learnt why its very very important to use toner and i know how to put on my eyeliner smudged or in a dead-straight line and how to match those awful pair of white boots with virtually anything in my wardrobe! i am now all set to face the world, watch out everybody! i am armed with chockloads of trivial information!

so nowadays, i just flip through copies of 'high-fashion' mags because hurhur i like the pretty pictures. and i will stab myself in the eye before becoming a writer in one of those trashy teeny-bopper magazines like Teens. augh augh augh.

but now, i seem to be striking out more and more of my options in my List until i have nothing left and so, know not what to do with my life.

Friday, December 03, 2004

and so. i am back from my quick sojourn into our more-malay neighbour. what is there to blog about?

  1. i stayed in a very pretty chalet
  2. i liked it a lot because it had a 4 poster bed with a white organza canopy
  3. it was nice staying in the 'stilts, on water' chalet because even though water was only sentosa-quality, the view was still pretty nice, and yay what a novelty.
  4. the toilet was very gorgeous (important!). it had an open-air shower area - very liberating to be taking a shower and look up to see the sky. fortunately, all birds were toilet trained.
  5. food was good.
  6. sibling bonding.
  7. harry potter and the chamber of secrets was playing, so i had a nice time complaining about daniel radcliffe once more.
  8. met some very nice cats.
  9. the beach which was otherwise mediocre, was awesome during low tide (as i expected). swarms of little crabs and other forms of sealife! it was quite freaky deaky, looked like the crabs and hermit crabs were planning on an invasion. but HAH, we ensured that them little critters knew their place in the heirachy! scutter away from our gigantahumongous feet O little ones!
  10. resort actually had a small aviary, and in the mornings, they would let a couple of them wander free. had the oppurtunity to come across a really truly crazy bird. i was talking to a pair of chickens, telling them that it's okay i'm safe i really like cows better when quite SUDDENLY, this huge emu-like blue spotted bird came running towards me from a corner! it really ran quite fast, considering its skinny legs atop its bulk. and then a bout a 4 metres away from me, it would abruptly STOP, run away behind the corner, then run back towards me again! several times.
  11. mosquitos feasted on my face on my second night while i was sleeping. i covered everything up except my face, because i couldnt bear the suffocation. woke up with several swollen facial bits. monster mosquitos.
  12. vistied kampungs and long lost, not-so-distant, practically strangers, i-never-knew-they-exited relatives. in retrospect, the fact that i knew nothing about them is both amazing and alarming. I HAVE KAMPUNG ORIGINS!
  13. had an unexpectedly enjoyable time being lost in the maze that is the kampung's roadwork.
  14. came across two rather gorgey, european backpackers on motorcycles in weird rubber biker armour. they looked a bit like armadillos. one looked better with his helmet on, and the other disappointed me when he took off his bandanna because then we found out he had boyband floppy hair.
  15. i am back in singapore. i like being back, even though i wasn't really away. and in a sporadic moment of patriotism, am glad to be a singaporean because a) we don't live in kampungs without proper electricity, plumbing and most importantly INTERNET. b) i have pleasantly discovered that the majority of the singaporean audience are not as immature as i thought to vote for sylvester instead of taufik. hey hey this is significant and it's NOT because the latter has a very cute smile, but because it proves that generally, we recognize talent. i apologize for general remarks of disdain made in the not so distant past.

now that condensed listing is over, i shall move on to today's Rant. it had started to seriously irk me, the presence of women in recent music videos. it is irritating to see, slammed into my face, these videos with scantily clad women hanging around like spare-whotsits!

we have merely become trophies in these silly videos, a symbol of how desirable this man is. as if we have no better purpose, where is your dignity?! i am angry because i think of all the bra-burners who worked hard for women's liberation and here we are, back to square one. and this time, verily it seems that these women are subjecting themselves to it quite voluntarily.

and please, do not give me the crap that you are exercising your right, your FREEDOM to behave anyway you want. that it is your choice to blatantly exihibit your sexuality, that you WANT to hang on to their arms, because they make you look good, you make him look good so really what is the problem? it's an effing paradox. he looks good because of the women, and the woman looks good hanging on to him because he looks good, which is brought by the tagging harem.


the funny and interesting is, this occurence transcends genres. it happens in rock, hip-hop, pop. which only goes to show that this situation is universal, and if this is so, there is a huge possibility that it has always been in us humans. the ease in which women are objectified into symbols of sex and power acquired, and the willingness for women to do so because it's the easiest way to give them a sense of worth. and if it's in us, well that is very sad and maybe that's why i'm so worked up. because then it will mean that despite efforts to do good and change things, we are naturally 'bad' and will revert back into this state given the chance.

and to think those women burned their bras for nothing.