Wednesday, December 31, 2003

i will die.

..well, yeah. it's true i suppose. sooner or later.

im hardly eloquent.

i wish i the world was in monochrome. so much prettier than the bright glaring colours staring at me now. *pukegagpuke*

gack, how stupid can i get? i blame it on the brain cells dying each single day. huh, wouldn't that mean that as i grow older, and start the dreaded metamorphosis into an adult, i will then be stupid-ER? egads.

i will die.

death will soon come to find me due to my own inevitable stupidity.

stupid for not doing what i had known needed to be done
stupid for staying where it's safe stupid for listening to sarah mclachlan and bic runga leaving me all melancholic and depressed stupid for not being there stupid for not doing the right thing stupid for messing this whole shit up stupid for wasting my time stupid for being the anti-social recluse that i am stupid for doing nothing stupid for standing still stupid for runnning blindly too fast stupid for staying quiet stupid for saying too much stupid for saying the wrong thing stupid for ignoring what's important stupid for caring stupid for thinking stupid for feeling low stupid for being blind stupid for not changing stupid for refusing to change stupid for contemplating change stupid for staying stupid for wanting to leave stupid for being me.

it's fucked-up stupid
damn it. a silent scream would help
i guess that's the source of it; silence.

it's so much fun being angsty. yep. as fun as puking my guts out and then having to swallow them back to where they belong.

might as well get it over with.

all is not fine in this bubble of delusions i live in darling.

[themesong: Never There - Cake]

shuld i bother?

my friend wondered at my lack of "friends" in my Friendster account. she figured it was due to the fact that my profile pic is an Emily photo..a one with her punching someone akshulli. so, yeah.

the theory was that nobody could see what my face looks like so nobody bothered to leave me a message asking me to be a "friend" which is apparently commonplace. erk, i never knew.
now what? scan and upload a photo of myself from some random neoprint thang? i suppose i *could* if i wanted to have more "friends". but doesn't that mean the people who DO turn up because of the bloody pic are ppl hu well, turn up BECAUSE of my pic?

somehow, it leads me to the conclusion that this Friendster thing is all very stupid. i have a feeling i'll be leaving my account AND profile pic idle for quite some time.

*sighs* it just doesn't make sense.

maybe that's why my social circle will always be a small group of people i'm close with. i don't see the point of having a hee-uge social circle and knowing the entire island's population if you're not akshulli...friends with them.

see? ..i'm fine.


well, it's not a complete 'over it' but quite considerable. yesterday, i was all melodramatic and over-reacting which proved to be GOOD because it flushed most of the overwhelming emotions out of my system.
so aside from this morning when i woke up and sat in bed for 10 minutes thinking about It again, i haven't moped for the WHOLE day. yay me!

i was upset not at the people involved but at myself and the entire Situation. because it IS partly my fault that allowed the Situation to be.

gack, i hate ethics.
there are times i wish i could be a complete bitch and not give a shit about other ppl and the consequences of my actions..but i can't.

*whoops, must be careful. dont want to accidently reveal what It is o0.*

mudder dah-ling cooked laksa, yum.

won't be going out anywhere this New Year's Eve [expectedly]. my mudder has a firm belief that countdown parties are places for hellspawn *sighs* and she doesn't want to see [or picture me] squirming, jumping and having a good fun time.
im supposed to be camping at my aunt's semi-d [lol] at JB today...their all having a bbq/countdown thing but im not going cuz i figured i have a LOT of work to *try* and do.

what a sad life huh?

© What's your Inner Goddess Color?? © Jen

*raises eyebrow*
why DO i bother with quizzes? their addictive.

whoops. it broke.

bet you don't know what im tokking abt.

a.maths and me

heeh. will it be funny to hand in a blank a.maths test paper?
cuz that's what im doing if they force me to take the bloody test when skule re-opens.
..wished i did that during the exams itself - oh wait, i sorta did. *glerg*

it's weird, is this happening in other skules? when the actual skule term starts next week, we have a test nearly everyday! tok about a welcome-back gesture. a premonition of what's to come i guess.

gee, doesn't THAT fill me with bubbling optimism and enthusiasm for 2004.

studying is good. did i just SAY that???

listening to sarah mclachlan. it's..soothing. an achier dido.

i suppose i'll get over it soon enuff. drowning myself in work helps i realize. which again is, GOOD.

so all is good.
and yet it hardly feels that way.
*shrugs* i'm used to it i suppose.

revising my bio for the test when skule re-opens and realize that a Visking tube looks disgustingly obscence. don't ask me why but it gives me a gerglish vibe. o0.
i went through the notes i made for the exams and they akshulli shocked me. Shocked at how much i actually knew!...and managed to remember. it was an opposite reaction though for chemistry. gak, no wonder i flunked.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003


must resist urge to indulge in wallowing. but i suppose i already am in a way since this post is quite doom+glume.


general warning to the public: do NOT eat choc-filled mint candy.
gack! i mean, WHO creates mutants like that? it shud be a crime i tell ya to invent gross candy.

like licorice jellybeans. i dont know anybody who likes those black pustules of eville.

do they have durian gummies? cuz that wud be gross too.

and i dont think Fisherman's Friend counts as candy.

i have discovered that eating two small packets of Hershey's Kisses and that ALONE [till dinner o0.] can sustain me for the whole day.

products that act as a laxative when eaten in excess: Lakerol and Tangs [it's an orange drink powder, yum!]

fave candy that accompanies me to skule:
Strawberry Fruitella
Nerds [noisy tho]
Pez [and it's so damn cute!]

fave indulgence:
ice-kachang with no corn, no kachang and extra brown syrup.
Starbuck's mocha ::drools::

fave recess snack:
chocolate biscuit with vanilla cream YanYan
strawberry Pocky.
Kinder Bueno
Amos cookies

fave comfort candy:
chocolate [duh!]
gummy bears

fave bakery product:
the sugar buns at the bakery near my g'ma house

most overrated:
Ferrero Roche

*as you can see, i am making useless lists to distract myself. helps actually.

this emotion again.


'tis not as sweet as it was before.

i treat life the same way i eat prawns

*interruption: gack! in a sudden burst of intelligence, i showed my mudder my blog. i blame it entirely on my lack of sleep.
anywayS, i also forgot abt all the 'fuck's i had in it and NOW she wants me to replace it with words such as 'fish' and the like. i don't know why she's dwelling on it so much. she probably thinks my use of vulgar profanities will cause me to be an old spinster since nobody likes a loud, potty-mouthed female. yes, the all like 'em nice, quiet, sweet, docile and homely. Geez. the only person i can think of who has all of those attributesis bambi and surprisingly [to me], he's a MALE.
so go figure.

erk, i'll probably just show her my abandoned blog. hardly doubt she'll notice.

**more interruption:you canNOT deny the fact that it is common public theory [even if they refuse to acknowledge it] that:

JC>poly>ITE ---->ite:normal
jc: express-and the smarter than thou's

in judging the student's intellect. it's stupid to pretend that ppl dont stereotype it that way! and yes, even though it HAS been proven that it is possible to break the assumed barrier or even caste you might say, it is still there!
i wish people would admit the tint of bigotry they have. i admit that there are times and occasions that i am prejudiced. but hey, it happens! we're human after all. just stop pretending that you're all virtuous, open-minded and pure.

For example [and what led me to this rant], a recent convo with my mudder. she commented that my neighbour got into poly so iw as asking her what's the biggie? and she replied, "she was in Normal you know" which was then that i pounced on her. it's not an entirely direct comment but, yeah.

#i have lost all interest on my title topic becuz something has happened. probab wont even mention it in my blog in the near future. *sighs* NEED TO CALL BEST FRIEND. NOW. ERK!!

2003 and the next year.

it's been nearly a whole bloody year hasn't it? ah nostalgia galore.

i'll miss the GeekParade with nadya [big, harry potter glasses+buttoned collar+skirt pulled up to the waist],

lit lessons with ms. tham and all the very punny jokes and general crapping.

skipping pe and hiding in the CLEAN loo [wait-i'll probably do this next year as well]

art lessons. digging through the store room for art supplies we never knew existed in the school. having a friendly, beng-ish ah pek as our teacher. him drivng us once in a while to the MRT station.

practicing for the Teacher's Day Concert audition [which we weren't accepted into because it was *cough* too sensual]. whatever, it was fun striking bimbo poses ala Legally Blonde

filling the sky with bubbles before flag-raising. it's really pretty because iwe normally did it at dawn-ish so the sky's really nice and blue or after the school then the bubbles glint in the afternoon sun.

oh yes! the mirror game!
it's FUN. you go out to the corridor [pref after skule when its bloody hot] and u use a mirror to catch the lights and u shine the beam right into ppl's faces and into classes. the beam is BLINDING and it's a very, VERY obvious white light.

CAP. what can i say that would fit the fantastic 5 days i had there? i shall not rant and risk sounding cheesy.

i think ive already managed to sound cheesy and ultimately boring, so i'll shaddup now.


*ming xuan. cancer can strike at any time, at any age people. listen to ur ma when she nags you abt carcinogenic[?] substances cuz well, it could happen to you and i do NOT want to lose another friend to the big C.
still remember how i received the news that he had you know..gone. every single second. i suppose this IS one day imprinted in my my mind. and the days following it.

we miss you ming xuan.


- shall drink more water.
- shall be more smile-y.
- will be more honest and frank.
- will come up with new excuses to use on why my shirt's tucked out and you can't see my socks [apparently, teachers' visions stop below the ankle].
- will put in effort to be more effiecient
- stop my obsessive tendencies
- be more pro-active.


..u know, speaking about nostalgia and all that, it makes me think about the times when i used to run up to my dad and hug him when he comes home from work. that was like what? 10 years ago. *sighs*, now it's just a simple 'hi'.

i suppose im just not a very affectionate person.

and auld lang syne and the crap about old aquaintences. geez, what about the friends i lost? the ones who decided to turn against me for no apparent reason. the ones who suddenly changed?
i miss them too. miss having them as a friend. miss the person they ONCE were.

but i know i cant help them. since they dont WANT help. from anybody.

+gah! ive done it again! the sappy pukey nostalgia.

Monday, December 29, 2003


++shall not dwell on my html that has decided to mess up. yes, i know it is my fault. yes, i noe that i shud have paid more attn during those computer lessons they forced us to take a few years back. but nobody told me i was gna start a blogg then!! *whines* how was i supposed to noe?...

alright. breathe. breathe.

SO. skule starts in a few days. whatever holiday resolution i made has mostly gone down the drain. it is proof however that *drum rolll*....i am not very resolved. argh. this is bad. it's bad for my future plans and schemes cuz it shows how THOSE would end up as well. ergo, i really have to do something constructive about my lack of resolve. yes.

im ranting arn't i?

but skule is going to start! and even tho at very start of a month-long holz im just about readdy to throw in the proverbial towel and say hell to the school, i always end up anticipating school re-opening. this i suppose, is also proof that i *never*learn my lesson. gads, im stuck in quite a rut.

and oh yes. i cut my hair. eyelash bangs, pixie thing.
sometimes i like it, sometimes i tink its J-poppy [gah!] so like i told kass just now, i shall hence avoid bright colours and generally fluffy things that scream 'kawaa-i!'. say hellloooo to black.

wee! new batch of students next year..will prove to be interesting. will use them as subjects for my social experiments and write and present a paper to universities and flabbergast the faculty. oh ok, fine. mebbe not the paper thing.

hah! good riddance Random Senior Bitches etc! the school will be a much bettter place without you bloody lians!
i feel very sorry that *certain* people in my batch cant graduate this year. damn. air-con leaked again. on my hw this time.
note to self: use water-proof pens.
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it is a horrid feeling feeling sad/embarassed for a friend.
i generally like her pretty much, it's just that she's so...transparent. her social butterfly ways and when she try's her fucking dandest to fit in and the thing is, she DOES manage to fit in. but it is also very obvious to others the immense effort she takes to look and act like everybody else. down to the bright coloured OP bag, the cutesy stuff..and the thing i really cant stand? her chinese-ey accent [she's malay btw]. the 'something-something lor..'s and the lilt that she's already cringe-y enuff hearing it from the CHINESE people, but ACK!

just to fit in. it's so forced and artificial that it has become quite painful.

i suppose i could tell her but i have a feeling she won't take to it well. in fact, i'm sure she'll react by being a] bitter b]resentful c]childish and she will hate me guts.
she's a real friend i suppose. i don't always like her behaviour but i know she's a friend i can depend on and vice-versa.

ergo, shud i be the one to tell her that she's making a complete arse of herself?
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Saturday, December 27, 2003

++i cut my hair!! wee!!!++

gack. is it me, or is it hardly anyone's updating their bloggs?

*sigh* i guess it's just you and me, you nasty, incompetent Blogger.

oh, si. i FINALLY managed to catch the prev LOTRs and it was good, just as expected. pft, if i had watched it in the first place- i dont thionk i would have wasted my time with ol' Leggy. *sw00ns* ..aragorn..
do you KNOW who legolas reminds me of? a very ditzy Forbidden Forest Centaur. if he ever started panicking and getting hysterical, i would say Proffesor Trelawney. i mean, the guy climbs up a boulder, stares into the horizon and proclaims

"The sun has risen. They are coming"

gee- how profound.

*ducks at the shoes and tomatoes thrown at her*

..although i DID get upset when Random Elves got shot during the battle of Helm's Deep. generally, i like elves. it's just that i dont think legolas is the shiniest ring in sauron's jewellery box.

huh, and after watching occured to me that there are some very simalr properties between LOTR and Rowling. *sighs*

Gollum vs. Kreacher
Saruman vs. Minister Crouch *shrugs*

[i formed alot more comparisons as i was watching but ive forgotten them by now...why Rowling, why???]

Friday, December 26, 2003

++i've figured it out++

i realized why i got a bit upset when bern said i was bubbly.

you see at school, i'm hardly bubbly. when i'm not crazy, i'm sullen and sarcastic. thinking about it now, when i'm not laughing my arse off- i hardly smile. and you know why?
it's cuz the Bubbly bit was completely covered by my best friend. huh, she's SO's like whatever bubbliness that i have is unneeded and im pretty sure i FORGOT it existed.

that I could be bubbly [!]

and in a way, i suppose i resented her a bit for being the Bubbly one...cuz general consensus at my school says bubbliness=good=popular and i've always been the odd
one out sort of.

*i'm not sure im making sense here...oh well*

tsk. horrid grammar.

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--nabbed from andrea---

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
- i got myself into trouble at school, loads. all the teachers knew my name for my misdeeds. i was a high-profile petty delinquent. yay.
- managed to put up a more-than-decent dance item for a concert
- forgot to listen to what my heart told me
- failed non-mathematical subjects

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i made some...can't say i kept it completely.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes, my aunts [well, duh. what, my uncle?]. but im not realy close to them so does it count?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What countries did you visit?
other then the little place in my head that i go to, nope.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
if today wasn't Boxing day, i wouldn't even NOE what date it was

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
--getting suspended?--

9. What was your biggest failure?
i failed. period. all that matters is that i did.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
oh geez- dont remind me of the stomach bug i caught.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my sanity. oh wait- i sold it away!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
the people who go crazee with me, non-CAP ppl included. ::bubbles:: and GeekParade

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
not so much on depressed. certain schoolmates who deserve suffer for all of eternity

14. Where did most of your money go?
would love to say charity but, no.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
i can only come up with this when 2003 passes

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
all the postive 'ble's

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being nice.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
family picnic at the very ulu Sembawang Park.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
wasn't love.

23. How many one-night stands?
pft. yeah right.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
definitely. plural. see question 13.

26. What was the best book you read?
..didn't do much reading akshulli. i spent alot of time reading art and *yawn* history books

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
that i cant play musical instruments and that i'll be happier and make the world a better place by JUST being a music appreciator.

28. What did you want and get?
a new PC and discman. uh, a 'new' handphone that's horridly outdated by now. and yes- art supplies! loads! *thanks dah-ling mudder!!*

29. What did you want and not get?
the iPod, the digicam, the hi-fi, the 7250, the....want me to go on? on the less shallow side, what i didn't get, i knew it was cuz i didn't deserve it. *shrugs*

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
eh..moulin rouge. technically it wasn't released this year, but i only managed to catch it a few months back.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
15, had an unusually nice time withmy family.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Letting go faster, better and efficient-er

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
no pink.

34. What kept you sane?

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Duncan from Blue *swoons*

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
bush-saddam. their both arseholes in my opinion

37. Who did you miss?

38. Who was the best new person you met?
madCAPpers!! and kornY.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
the dark abyss can be comforting

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
tink-winky! dipsy! lala! po! tellytubbies...tellytubbies! say, eh-oh!
pft, yeah right.

"I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive.
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be alive"

"don't give me song
give me something to sing about"

Thursday, December 25, 2003

+how i spent my christmas eve+

hah! i spent the past two hours or so watching Waterboys on Channel8 while stuffing my face with gobstoppers, yum.
yes, the gobstoppers were very nice but what was also yummy was watching guys in Speedos! ::grins::

my mood has agreebly lightened up..probably due to my rising blood sugar level. huh, and now im going off to sleep. what a waste.

well, i hope everyone's having fun on their christmas, being with the people they love and care for and all.
must remind myself constantly that i do NOT celebrate christmas.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

what could be worse than having not loved? *smirks*

being Mr.Bean's girlfriend.
..i feel so sad for that woman.

++love, actually..hurts++

you know those dumb, tedious but entertaining email surveys that are passed around? and they like to ask whether you've ever been in love?

i haven't.

how do you know when you're in love anyway? WHAT is it like to be in love? i wouldn't know and that's really sad. And it's funny that i even want to fall in love because i noe its painful and's weird.

the closest ive gotten to is infatuation and mebbe fondness. for the former, its an aching looking at the object of your desire from a FAAR distance, knowing that you'll never have the guts to show them your existence. the's being used to having the guy and caring well, because he's there.
it's sad.

i haven't loved.
i haven't been loved..mebbe because on my part, i didn't allow it to happen.

how is it that we can want to be in pain? a blissful torment.

*please excuse the sappiness. the x'mas jingles have corrupted my brain*


suicide is a way of telling God

''you can't fire me! i quit!''

+christmas eve+

[aura:beyond boredom]

woke up at 12 today by my best friend calling on the phone

"*groggy* ugh...'llo?"


"..oh, hey."

"let's go for lunch!!"

"lunch? ..what happend to breakfast?"

"its Christmas eve!!"

"yeah, so?"

"we have to go out!!!"

"uh, we do?" i dragged myself out of bed, and blah blah blah. called her as i was getting out of the house and turns out that her definition of going out was going to orchard so she was dressed up whereas i, was dressed just to grab a burger at the nearest BK. in other words, i was horridly terribly underdressed beside her [read: i felt ugly]

huh. that is why half and hour later, i ended up battling the crowds and trying to ignore the Smug, Happy Couples swarming everywhere.
bah, humbug.

argh fuck. i shud probably explain my distaste of going town to shop esp in places like Far East. the places annoy me because of the general pinkness of the decor and all these lians hanging around. it annoys me because of the few clothes there that i AKSHULLI like, i cant buy and/or wear. and knowing that some other fuckwit would probab end up buying it irks me even more.

*its a horrid fucking case of sour grapes*

it annoys me.

crowds annoy me.
Smug Happy Couples annoy me.
Fluffy pink stuffed toys annoy me.

i am a very annoyable person.

you fuckers.

*im sorray but im not in a very good mood today*

..yanti, shuddup and go to sleep!!!



i DID it!
i finished my bloody history essay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is now 0351[!!!!] and i have completed my 1,581 words essay!!!!!!!!

*now let's just hope it isn't crap.

origins of my very shortned name



short for izyanti.

yanto. [my infuriating mudder when i was like 5. she stopped when i learnt how to retort]
totto [pri skule mates, inspired by totto-chan. don't ask]

iz-wuanti [my dahling but very cheena maths teacher]
izzy [by sec-mates who got it from izzy-yanti]
zizzy [*shudders* again, dont ask]

and finally...

iZ [i akshulli like it.]

the origins of fuck.

it means [or so ive heard]: Fornication Under Consent of the King.

+imagines scenario involving bawdy knight and corset-cladded wench+

W:..what if we get caught copulating?
BD: *whips out scroll*nah, its official. we've got fuck!


guess why i'm writinng this entirely pointless post

[aura:ooh, more procrastination!]

gawd, i shud write a book on this procrastination.
heh, mebbe later.

[i adore making useless lists]

Stuff I Need To Get:
- nice, snug, low-rider jeans. ie. The Perfect Pair
- black eyeshadow
- eyeliner [colour...silvery black?]
- iXus/eXilim *drools*
- iPod **drools**
- the nokia 3200/7250 [or even better, both!]
- a nice gift voucher from Warehouse
- a nice gift voucher from ArtFriend
- a chance to raid HMV
- a diary. [im serious. need to get one. the one i have has like, 2 pages left]
- The Bitch pouch/pencilcase from TopShop [thanx charmaine!!]
- box for photos
- box to keep PE clothes at skule
- more tarot books [..i suppose]
- candy supply
- double-sided tape *sighs*
- a life.
- Starsailor cd!
- the first Nickelback cd
- Sugababes cd
- Dido [both]
- SpongeBob stuff!! [is the 'convention' at suntec still on?..]
- a print-out of the Draco Trilogies *grins*
- more Emily stuff *crosses fingers* ::bagbagbag::
- someone to properly layout my blogg
- something to stop me procrastinating [yes, as possible as it is to douse the sun]
- ooh! an authentic Blythe bag
- something from 77th Street [just because i find it shocking that not once have i purchased ANYTHING from there. huh. weird]

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

i hate navy-blue!!!

[aura:bloody friggin' html]

i think i forgot to mention that my SS teacher next year reminds me of Snape. he's brill really but what's really intimidating is his ability to make you feel like a naive idiotic child simply by giving you the Look and dismissing you with the Tone.

god. i've already gone through it twice.

[aura: mah foot ish numb]

yep, no relevence there.

happiness is brief.

true isn't it?

and you knoe what's even worst? the opposite ie.depression lasts for a loong time. nah, im not depressed. just random ponderings. well logically and mathematically, that would mean i would spend a lot more time depressed than happy in my life wouldn't it?

i suppose the only thing that would change that rather sad ratio would be to change MYSELF.

*do i have to do EVERYTHING around here?*

my incontinent air-con


i hate my air-con, stupid lump of plastic that it is.
huh, you might think 'oh, but think of all the relief it has provided you on hot balmy nights in the very tropical Singapore.' pfft, yeah right. evn when it DOES work, it refuses to actually lower down the temperature to 'air-con temp'. there's no COLD. it just feels like a cool rainy night! and you noe what's even worse? the one in my brudder's room works perfectly fine! ive always pondered over this unfairity[?] and recently i found out from my fudder, it's cuz the tube that carrries the cooling gas or what-shit goes to HIS room before mine! so HIS air-con gets all the nice cooling gas thing. uh!

and if it just refused to work to its optimum performance, well i can understand that. ppl tend to act that way too but my God, when it starts leaking! again. it is the final bloody straw!

i was woken up this morning my mudder crying 'yanti! your air-con! it's dripping! your books are all wet!' huh, you thunk?
[and for the record, only ppl hu noe me pre-secondary call me 'yanti'. yeargh]
so i spent a good amount of time at 6 am in the morning mopping up the sopping, soggy mess. it was horrid. all my marker doodlings bled into a smear and a puddle. all my post-its unposty. and even worse, my brand new roll of doubly-sided tape sogged beyond use! aiiiie!! [i LUFF double-sided tape, its a bloody fantastic invention really]. but the highlight was my dah-ling bio textbook. the poor thing. my saviour when i realize my teacher's babbling crap. haiz. i spent a good hour or two ironing the drowned creature.

Monday, December 22, 2003

[aura:dizzy from jumping on the trampoline]

heh, been reading ye olde diary and realized that i xan be an intensely obsessive and jealous person..and dangerously so. ok, mebbe not. you see, when i have a crush on somebody, i totally shut down. my brain stops working cuz it' overwhelmed by His presence so i never end up even tokking to him...thank god im over it.

well anyway, the ponderings lead me to one incident with my so-called 'best' friend and Him. i had just told her that i had a crush on him and she was like 'ohh...ok.' then the next moment he passed us [which was like, 5 min later], she blatantly started flirting with him! and not the usual tame tease-flirt, it was a BLATANT extravagant affair of play-hitting and acting-cute. MY GOD. she was TAUNTING me.
gawd, i felt like stuffing me sleese-clad feet up her flat-arsed bumhole!! it still fills me with rage to this day even though i am completely over him
now you're probably thinking that i was over-reacting and here's my defense that i was not: 1] she had NEVER till that moment flirted let alone NOTICED the guy until i told her. therefore, i think its safe to conclude that she did it to piss me off somehow. (worked) 2] its a unsaid rule! you do not, NOT flirt with a guy your 'friend' is into. ok, if it's unintentional and kinda just a passing comment-that can be shrugged off but...[hmm, i seem to be ranting]

oh yes. i made a complete blonde of myself at Popular the other day. i needed to buy my printer cartidge but my mind was really pre-occupied over god-noes-wad and i totally blanked and bimboed myself by forgetting some 'essential' words.

" hi, i need to get know the ink thing for printers? well yeah, but i already checked out the uh..cuboard but uh, you don't have the...erm, one i need. so i was like, wondering if you like, have any more stock?"


i wanted to curl up and DIE.

*the words that i 'suddenly' forgot.
-ink cartridge
-display cabinet

*gibbberish that comes out of my mouth when im nervous
- um
- uh
- erm
-, ....


Saturday, December 20, 2003

[aura: guilty for not doing the chem revision waiting upstairs]

..heh, i hate my blogg. the blogger itself is always not loading properly and the pathetic-techie i am, cant even figure out how to twiddle with the html templates to make it look decently nice. well, whatever.

raining now..lights not on so its pretty dark and Amy Lee's voice wafting [?] in the background...the perfect atmosphere for doom+gloom..which is what id pretti much end up if i dont buck up in skule.
as much as i would like to be radical and not give a fuck about my studies and somehow twiddle fate so that i'll end up a succesful entrepeneur or what-shit, i cant. the REALLY sad truth is, i dont quite dare step out of this bloody mainstream. im not sure what id do without it cuz you know why?
the thought and absolute possibility of failure. hmph. i dont mind wading in the other streams but to completely abandon what i noe is reliable to jump into something that might land me god-noes-where without a safety net..huh. i AM pathetic.

i am sad.

all i know is that i AM going to drop a.maths next year and im not going to give a fuck about what JCs and courses that wont be available to me because --gasp-- i decided not to have the very 'essential' a.maths in my record thang. hello? isnt that why they call it ADDITIONAL maths?
the decision to drop was so clear in my head until i started hearing all-round gasping from everybody and even worse, disappointed sighing.

but geez- i dont even know where i left my a.maths book.

so fuck a.maths.

Friday, December 19, 2003

a note to my best friend, crap. dont tell me just because i hate ppl pushing me around and that happened to be you ystd does NOT mean our friendship is over girl or that im seriously pissed. pissed mebbe, but NOT c'riusly pissed. how many arguments have SpongeBob and Patrick had? huh? huh?

its just a bit of resentment.
[aura: annoyed and dreading maths tuition later]


1. people trying to force me into something i do NOT want to do.

the more somebody tries to convince me, the more i'll be adamant about my refusal. AND if i end up caving in, i WILL hate you more. im quite pissed of bout this, mebbe because somebody was trying to do this to me ystd *wags finger, no naughty thoughts* and she was doing all the guilt lines which made me feel, well guilty. which PISSED me off even more. grrrr.

and its worse when its your best friend.

2. not being taken seriously.

weell, i suppose this is a pretty common peeve among people so i shall not elaborate.

3. Michelle Chia + Jamie Yeo

i hate them. and for no particularly intelligently reasonable reason. its the inner bitchiness born in every girl. i just dont like their faces. michelle for her bloody Lux ads and jamie for being so....sickly saccharine

4. waiting. getting beter at tolerating this though!! *grins*

Thursday, December 18, 2003


as much as i would like to say that i spent the afternoon thinking deep and depthful thoughts that will alter Man's Ways and life itself, i didn't. i bought myself the new issue of Cleo and went through my back issues as well in search of inspiration for my next hair cut.

i can just feel my good karma drain away...

but like, what-everrrr
[aura:insomniac] there such a word?

and can somebody tel me how the US managed to rebuild its navy at such an amazing efficiency so that it was militarily superior compared to japan after the bombing of Pearl Harbour?

im wrestling with my history essay.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

[aura: hellish]

oweee....i need my glasses!!! my head is racked with painful tension due to the strain my eyes are being put under. torture and torment galore.

i thought i was strange cuz i havent managed to catch EITHER of the LOTR movies..huh, i read the book though. though i have to admit legolas and aragorn might just convince me to finally watch it..AFTER i borrrow the VCDs of the last two i suppose. its just so hyped up and everybody's crowing about the premiere today that it seemed surreal that hey, i HAVENT watched it. until today.

cuz i was out wif my pri skule mate and so blah blah blah and the usual dodgy convos and i brought up the lotr thing.

"im meeting my friend [kass] to return her jacket cuz she's catching LOTR and needed it back"



"what's that?"

"you know..Lord of The Rings"

*stares blankly*

".....uh, nevermindey."

so i suppose im not the only not caught up in a non-LOTR existence. and im not the worst case either.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

quotes from my REAL diary. [the paper kind]..part i

[aura:] headache-y

explaining how i leapt down into the abyss of depression some time back:
"i stopped caring- stopped asking. the conversations i had were for the bare minimal functioning of day-to-day affairs. i was tired of caring for people and getting it thrown back into my face.
i gave and gave until there was nothing for me to give.

so i shut down."

Monday, December 15, 2003

[aura:] frustrated..but this time by my poor grip on techie stuff

my tagBoard aint working

what's even more depressing than being depressed?

having a convo with an ex who's depressed.

the reunion.

ive been lookin around my CAPpy friends bloggies and they all wrote bout how absofuckinglutely fantastic the day was and here's the shocker..i DIDN"T find it fun. at all.
it was crap.
i cant say it was boring, but gawd, those ppl are mad! i cant believe i wasted an entire day embarassing myself by being around their insanity. geez.

OMG. my pants are on fire. that is like, the most outrageous lie ive ever told and if ANYBODY for a sec believed that, geez you sure are gullible.

it was blardie fun!!! strangely in my usual paranoid self, i was a bit uh, nervy in going because of my constant fear that i'll end up you know, in an awkward situation. hello??? yes, its ultimately imposs wif my frens in CAP but still the niggling feeling was still there and enuff to make me go all second thought-y on the MRT. amazing. the mind is such a warped place. if i had managed to allow myself to believe the delusional crap my mind was feeding me, i would have missed out the funnest fun ive ever had and will have..till the next CAP reunion of course.

so ANYWAY, my delusions were dispersed when i was greeted by bern with a heee-uge bear hug that threw me off-balance. i was actually tottering. so we waited. and waited. and waited. in the meantime, i managed to display my embarassing absolute lack of hand-eye coordination trying to master the CAPcup..bummer. i KNEW i shudn haf dozed off during thise primary skule pe lessons.
so after awhile numbing our asses on the cold floor of the MRT station an dhaving kids stare at us, we went to mcD and grabbed lunch..where we eventually met up with Haz. he is such a total blonde, noe, i like, use that phrase wif my skulemates and they like, DON'T get it? like, totally bummer?

*cracking myself up*
see? being blonde is fun!!

well ANYWAY, being outside mcD, NEAR the fountain tested our patience waay too far so we decided heh, let's NOT wait fer vince. so i dashed to change and we proceeded into the fountain. ::bliss::
2hr++ of sheer insanity, loads of star-jumping and splashing around...thinking bout it now, how DiD we manage to spend hours in the fountain doing nothing but frolick?? its quite impossible logicaly. there's only so much you can do, but hey we did! and kass akshiulli manged to look like she was dancing in some bits. pfft. jk. o0. everybody was staring..and there was basic general public commentary of

"you'll catch pneumonia"
"your house don't have water is it?"

but WHAT the fuck. their all just jealous of us and in completely misery stuck in their own mundane lives. mWahahahahhaha

and, ppl took photos!
hrm. not sure whether to place that in the Good or Bad pile.

oh yes, mid-way through, vince FINALLY arrived in which we all proceeded to chase him and give him a bear hug..where i promptly broke my glasses. *sighs* bummer.
so more water fun and the capcup-ing [read: more of andrea complaining 'iz! you're pathetic' ok, so she DDNT say that, but it was something liddat. o0.]
AND, i realized two things there and then at the fountain.
a] i was the shortest one there..i never till then realized how below-ave i was. i shall forever remember andrea mimicing me-she crouched down and asked 'am i the shortest one here?'. pah and bloody pah. lupinly, it really didnt occur to me!! i mean yeah, i knew i wasnt the tallest one there but..argh, like, nevermind.
b]i forgot to pack in something very essential. how mortifying. so i had to trawl through seiyu, half-blind and soaked looking for my *essential* stuff.

now that we were warm+dry, movie time!! Love, Actually rawks!! the ppl in in are so cute!! tho i really find it hard to agree that colin firth is hot. uh. he's not. but that little boy with his toothy grin, and hugh grant *grooving* around and here's the big one (drumroll please) Karl!!!!! hothothotsexgod!!!! yum. absolutely. we were all gushing and swooning much to the disdain of vince and haz. [i tink we made them feel inadequate, wahahahahha] but my god, he is like, so hot!!!!! haiz. let's all hope he's not gay. *wags finger at andrea and karen*

"pass me a bucket to drool in" -bern

then we headed off to bern's seafood steamboat thingy where on the journey there kass turned into a shampoo model cuz the air-con was blowing her hair *lucky girl, you!* and i found out that hey, they dont speak singlish. cuz we were discussing the accents that we coukd do then someone commented that hey, she cant do local accents. and i find it incredibly funny cuz then someone else went on to do a Lian accent which was decent i suppose but itw as funny cuz it sounde like any of my chinese friends at school when their pissed. you know, with that lilt and the 'blah blah blah lor' and such. huh.

came home late. the shuttle bus at Turf City realyyy tested my patience. i was so desperate that i tried to hitch a ride from ppl to drop me at the main road so i can grab a cab..well, the first car was really full so fine. but shit sia. this unty just slammed the door in my face half-way through my sentence. BITCH. i was so pissed, and already upset cuz i was absolutely gna be late AND half-blind. my GOd.
well anyway, when i eventually got to the main road, there were no available cabs. reminiscent of the youth Park thingy akshulli. so in the end, thank GOD, there was the 67!!!! i love buses. unfortunately. it was full of leering bangla' workers so ee-yew. than k god again fer my best friend who kept me company through out the entire ordeal!! yay you!!
when i finally got to my bus stop, i took off my shoes and ran home barefoot for like 700++metres? woke up 2day and saw my blisters in their whole glory. *sigh*

but who cares????? cuz i had such a fantastic time, it was all worth it. evn the hot melted butter splattering at me.

*grins contentedly*

Sunday, December 14, 2003

damn. my last entry got lost. now you all shall never now the alrm sound i make when i feel an impending panic attack is about to commence. how undeniably sad. stupid Blogger.

is it very strange that unlike my fellow aldolescent counter-parts, i akshulli LIKE my parents? obviously, everybidy loves their parents, its an in-born thing. ever since you came out of your mudders canal-and never to see it again- you just HAVE to lover them even if its never shown
but to LIKE your parents is an entirely differnt matter because its a 'like' that comes from actually liking them as a fellow human being. and i actually really, REALLY like my mudder. i get along with her fantastically...even when she's nagging and we're both screaming...somehow we end up laughing cuz we knoe we're both acting quite stupidly. the serious arguments....lead to silent periods. the longest we've ever had was like er, 4 days? an done of us always cave in it's all peachy.

argh crap. i reali shud stop tokking bout myself and focus on worldly, deep and meaningful threads. huh, but where's the fun in the than? ah. spoken from th emouth of a truly self-centred being...

wahahahahaha, u ddn really believe that did you?

well, did you?

Thursday, December 11, 2003

a bit on avril

i have never liked her. ok, i liked Complicated. at first. when it just came out, b4 i saw the vid and experienced the overness of the 'love the new rock-chick' campaign. and discovered the phoniness that makes up avril.

but i have NEVER sed she wasn't talented [she CAN sing]. i just wish she'd stop lieing.
a] u are NOT a singer/song-writer. you dorn achhieve that when you 'write' with three or four other proffesionals. [hu obviously ddn help you with your spelling]
b] god, you are neither PUNK nor ROCK!! yours songs are pop fluff cleverly masquerading as real music....which brings me to another point

who is the genius here? the producer, 'LA' Reid. that guy i tell you, has maneged to fool and con millions of teens world-wide that he has the next alanis in his hands. helllooo???? he has managed to JUST put the right touch of rock influence into pop so he can pass it off as anti-britney tho it is generally, to the core the SAME thing.


he has black magic, i tell ya


a day that haunts me
in my dreams and in my nights
i see it still when i close my eyes

the perfectly blue sky told me
it would be a perfectly normal day
the sky lied.

on the way to school
staring at the ground
i walked.

and walked.
and walked.

lost in thought, i saw
a girl sitting, about my age
on the rooftop all alone

she was still.
a statue of silence
my heart stopped- numb with shock

because she fell
she threw herself down
so down she went, with a scream

[or was that from me?]

and there, she died.

she lay there.
i stood there.
tears unbidden

falling for the fallen

**i swear, it's fiction!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003



friggin shitty


i feel a scream forming deep within.

trapped behind sanity.

it struggles.

and fights

till i let it out

and yet,

nobody hears

intentionally untitled

wahoo-ey. major extreme moodswings.
very bad for work productivity. i guess that's why they replace dworkers with robots and the like huh? more reliable.

my shit's all over the place

well, not literally. i havent developend incontinency. gawdammit, im just messed up with who i am. kinda hard to draw the lien between who and what i am..and what i want to be. stupid angsty stuff, all that crap about self-identity crisis and shit. yep, im der.

hah, i can imagine it right now. u noe those directory maps they have at shopping centres? with the big red dot 'you are here'? i wonder where im wandering of to next. fear of rejection i suppose.
whats behind me? i tink i passed social ineptness and panic attacks. i tink i covered both pretti well.

i am also pissed because the general public's view on me is that im bubbly. which is untrue. its just the mask people! i guess im pissed cuz its such a mockery of the state im usually in which is hardly bubbly. it's bloody friggin annoying.


im not. u guys tink i am. and its all very stupid cuz while im here curling up in some cold corner, ppl tink im trotting off to tellytubby land on a rainbow.
You are Blue.

Overall you're a pretty content person. At peace
with yourself, you don't tend to over react.
Although at times you can be quite harsh and
cold towards others.

What Color Best Represents Your Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, December 08, 2003

kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Reunion

Today, i wnet beraye with my pri skule mates...woah, what nostalgia. now normally, the main objective of raye-ing with your friends is to collect as mucho $$ as possible but this time our priority was to catch up and catch up we did. it was fantastic, hanging around each others houses trading 'do you remember?'s and 'what about that time??'s and the usual girly stuff. but it weren't happy moment only...there were a significant number of sad pauses thinking of frends we had lost contact with, and the bitter petty fights we used to have. thinking about the people missing from our group. it wa spretty sad.

and you know what? i realize i wasn't being completely myself today with them. i spoke more malay, talked about stuff i usually wouldn't, behaved more sanely...i wasn;t being me. it was as if i had put on a was totally sub-conscious.

and i suppose as well that i wasn' being absolutely myself as well during CAP. i was a bit more quiet than ususl and more hesitant to speak out my opinion- kinda because i was intimidated by all the geniustic ppl form the Big schools. no, don't laugh. i'm serious. the insecurity was there. although it did ease up later during the week, it was still there. i was more sane, less outspoken and kept myslef in check. another mask as well but of anither degree i suppose.

then there is the mask i put on at school as well. its the one that sugar-coats my sharp tongue.

i wonder if people would like/accept me if they knew the real me. the one that speaks her mind with no holds barred.

i suppose the only people who know the complete me is my mudder and best friend...and even then, i wonder

Sunday, December 07, 2003

a fairy tale.

i've always been fascinated by fairy tales, although not the bright technicolour disney ones. the ones that appeal to me and ALWAYS make a lasting impression are those that are sad, melencholic and leave you aching. i suppose it all started years ago when i was a kid. i had a tape of the little mermaid- no, not the red-haired Ariel. the one i had was this anime looking one and compared to disney, the animnation was absolutely horrible. there were'nt any cheery choruses where the fishes wpuld suddenly come together singing and dancing. the music it had was haunting and there were scenes that wer altogether disturbing and scary especially to a 5 year old child.
recently, i was surfing around and found out that the movie i watched was the ORIGINAL version of the little mermaid. i had always thought it was simply a different version. oh well, here it is.

The Little Mermaid
Hans Christian Andersen

Far out in the ocean, where the water is as blue as the prettiest cornflower, and as clear as crystal, it is very, very deep; so deep, indeed, that no cable could fathom it: many church steeples, piled one upon another, would not reach from the ground beneath to the surface of the water above. There dwell the Sea King and his subjects. We must not imagine that there is nothing at the bottom of the sea but bare yellow sand. No, indeed; the most singular flowers and plants grow there; the leaves and stems of which are so pliant, that the slightest agitation of the water causes them to stir as if they had life. Fishes, both large and small, glide between the branches, as birds fly among the trees here upon land. In the deepest spot of all, stands the castle of the Sea King. Its walls are built of coral, and the long, gothic windows are of the clearest amber. The roof is formed of shells, that open and close as the water flows over them. Their appearance is very beautiful, for in each lies a glittering pearl, which would be fit for the diadem of a queen.

The Sea King had been a widower for many years, and his aged mother kept house for him. She was a very wise woman, and exceedingly proud of her high birth; on that account she wore twelve oysters on her tail; while others, also of high rank, were only allowed to wear six. She was, however, deserving of very great praise, especially for her care of the little sea-princesses, her grand-daughters. They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail. All day long they played in the great halls of the castle, or among the living flowers that grew out of the walls. The large amber windows were open, and the fish swam in, just as the swallows fly into our houses when we open the windows, excepting that the fishes swam up to the princesses, ate out of their hands, and allowed themselves to be stroked. Outside the castle there was a beautiful garden, in which grew bright red and dark blue flowers, and blossoms like flames of fire; the fruit glittered like gold, and the leaves and stems waved to and fro continually. The earth itself was the finest sand, but blue as the flame of burning sulphur. Over everything lay a peculiar blue radiance, as if it were surrounded by the air from above, through which the blue sky shone, instead of the dark depths of the sea. In calm weather the sun could be seen, looking like a purple flower, with the light streaming from the calyx. Each of the young princesses had a little plot of ground in the garden, where she might dig and plant as she pleased. One arranged her flower-bed into the form of a whale; another thought it better to make hers like the figure of a little mermaid; but that of the youngest was round like the sun, and contained flowers as red as his rays at sunset. She was a strange child, quiet and thoughtful; and while her sisters would be delighted with the wonderful things which they obtained from the wrecks of vessels, she cared for nothing but her pretty red flowers, like the sun, excepting a beautiful marble statue. It was the representation of a handsome boy, carved out of pure white stone, which had fallen to the bottom of the sea from a wreck. She planted by the statue a rose-colored weeping willow. It grew splendidly, and very soon hung its fresh branches over the statue, almost down to the blue sands. The shadow had a violet tint, and waved to and fro like the branches; it seemed as if the crown of the tree and the root were at play, and trying to kiss each other. Nothing gave her so much pleasure as to hear about the world above the sea. She made her old grandmother tell her all she knew of the ships and of the towns, the people and the animals. To her it seemed most wonderful and beautiful to hear that the flowers of the land should have fragrance, and not those below the sea; that the trees of the forest should be green; and that the fishes among the trees could sing so sweetly, that it was quite a pleasure to hear them. Her grandmother called the little birds fishes, or she would not have understood her; for she had never seen birds.

“When you have reached your fifteenth year,” said the grand-mother, “you will have permission to rise up out of the sea, to sit on the rocks in the moonlight, while the great ships are sailing by; and then you will see both forests and towns.”

In the following year, one of the sisters would be fifteen: but as each was a year younger than the other, the youngest would have to wait five years before her turn came to rise up from the bottom of the ocean, and see the earth as we do. However, each promised to tell the others what she saw on her first visit, and what she thought the most beautiful; for their grandmother could not tell them enough; there were so many things on which they wanted information. None of them longed so much for her turn to come as the youngest, she who had the longest time to wait, and who was so quiet and thoughtful. Many nights she stood by the open window, looking up through the dark blue water, and watching the fish as they splashed about with their fins and tails. She could see the moon and stars shining faintly; but through the water they looked larger than they do to our eyes. When something like a black cloud passed between her and them, she knew that it was either a whale swimming over her head, or a ship full of human beings, who never imagined that a pretty little mermaid was standing beneath them, holding out her white hands towards the keel of their ship.

As soon as the eldest was fifteen, she was allowed to rise to the surface of the ocean. When she came back, she had hundreds of things to talk about; but the most beautiful, she said, was to lie in the moonlight, on a sandbank, in the quiet sea, near the coast, and to gaze on a large town nearby, where the lights were twinkling like hundreds of stars; to listen to the sounds of the music, the noise of carriages, and the voices of human beings, and then to hear the merry bells peal out from the church steeples; and because she could not go near to all those wonderful things, she longed for them more than ever. Oh, did not the youngest sister listen eagerly to all these descriptions? and afterwards, when she stood at the open window looking up through the dark blue water, she thought of the great city, with all its bustle and noise, and even fancied she could hear the sound of the church bells, down in the depths of the sea.

In another year the second sister received permission to rise to the surface of the water, and to swim about where she pleased. She rose just as the sun was setting, and this, she said, was the most beautiful sight of all. The whole sky looked like gold, while violet and rose-colored clouds, which she could not describe, floated over her; and, still more rapidly than the clouds, flew a large flock of wild swans towards the setting sun, looking like a long white veil across the sea. She also swam towards the sun; but it sunk into the waves, and the rosy tints faded from the clouds and from the sea.

The third sister’s turn followed; she was the boldest of them all, and she swam up a broad river that emptied itself into the sea. On the banks she saw green hills covered with beautiful vines; palaces and castles peeped out from amid the proud trees of the forest; she heard the birds singing, and the rays of the sun were so powerful that she was obliged often to dive down under the water to cool her burning face. In a narrow creek she found a whole troop of little human children, quite naked, and sporting about in the water; she wanted to play with them, but they fled in a great fright; and then a little black animal came to the water; it was a dog, but she did not know that, for she had never before seen one. This animal barked at her so terribly that she became frightened, and rushed back to the open sea. But she said she should never forget the beautiful forest, the green hills, and the pretty little children who could swim in the water, although they had not fish’s tails.

The fourth sister was more timid; she remained in the midst of the sea, but she said it was quite as beautiful there as nearer the land. She could see for so many miles around her, and the sky above looked like a bell of glass. She had seen the ships, but at such a great distance that they looked like sea-gulls. The dolphins sported in the waves, and the great whales spouted water from their nostrils till it seemed as if a hundred fountains were playing in every direction.

The fifth sister’s birthday occurred in the winter; so when her turn came, she saw what the others had not seen the first time they went up. The sea looked quite green, and large icebergs were floating about, each like a pearl, she said, but larger and loftier than the churches built by men. They were of the most singular shapes, and glittered like diamonds. She had seated herself upon one of the largest, and let the wind play with her long hair, and she remarked that all the ships sailed by rapidly, and steered as far away as they could from the iceberg, as if they were afraid of it. Towards evening, as the sun went down, dark clouds covered the sky, the thunder rolled and the lightning flashed, and the red light glowed on the icebergs as they rocked and tossed on the heaving sea. On all the ships the sails were reefed with fear and trembling, while she sat calmly on the floating iceberg, watching the blue lightning, as it darted its forked flashes into the sea.

When first the sisters had permission to rise to the surface, they were each delighted with the new and beautiful sights they saw; but now, as grown-up girls, they could go when they pleased, and they had become indifferent about it. They wished themselves back again in the water, and after a month had passed they said it was much more beautiful down below, and pleasanter to be at home. Yet often, in the evening hours, the five sisters would twine their arms round each other, and rise to the surface, in a row. They had more beautiful voices than any human being could have; and before the approach of a storm, and when they expected a ship would be lost, they swam before the vessel, and sang sweetly of the delights to be found in the depths of the sea, and begging the sailors not to fear if they sank to the bottom. But the sailors could not understand the song, they took it for the howling of the storm. And these things were never to be beautiful for them; for if the ship sank, the men were drowned, and their dead bodies alone reached the palace of the Sea King.

When the sisters rose, arm-in-arm, through the water in this way, their youngest sister would stand quite alone, looking after them, ready to cry, only that the mermaids have no tears, and therefore they suffer more. “Oh, were I but fifteen years old,” said she: “I know that I shall love the world up there, and all the people who live in it.”

At last she reached her fifteenth year. “Well, now, you are grown up,” said the old dowager, her grandmother; “so you must let me adorn you like your other sisters;” and she placed a wreath of white lilies in her hair, and every flower leaf was half a pearl. Then the old lady ordered eight great oysters to attach themselves to the tail of the princess to show her high rank.

“But they hurt me so,” said the little mermaid.

“Pride must suffer pain,” replied the old lady. Oh, how gladly she would have shaken off all this grandeur, and laid aside the heavy wreath! The red flowers in her own garden would have suited her much better, but she could not help herself: so she said, “Farewell,” and rose as lightly as a bubble to the surface of the water. The sun had just set as she raised her head above the waves; but the clouds were tinted with crimson and gold, and through the glimmering twilight beamed the evening star in all its beauty. The sea was calm, and the air mild and fresh. A large ship, with three masts, lay becalmed on the water, with only one sail set; for not a breeze stiffed, and the sailors sat idle on deck or amongst the rigging. There was music and song on board; and, as darkness came on, a hundred colored lanterns were lighted, as if the flags of all nations waved in the air. The little mermaid swam close to the cabin windows; and now and then, as the waves lifted her up, she could look in through clear glass window-panes, and see a number of well-dressed people within. Among them was a young prince, the most beautiful of all, with large black eyes; he was sixteen years of age, and his birthday was being kept with much rejoicing. The sailors were dancing on deck, but when the prince came out of the cabin, more than a hundred rockets rose in the air, making it as bright as day. The little mermaid was so startled that she dived under water; and when she again stretched out her head, it appeared as if all the stars of heaven were falling around her, she had never seen such fireworks before. Great suns spurted fire about, splendid fireflies flew into the blue air, and everything was reflected in the clear, calm sea beneath. The ship itself was so brightly illuminated that all the people, and even the smallest rope, could be distinctly and plainly seen. And how handsome the young prince looked, as he pressed the hands of all present and smiled at them, while the music resounded through the clear night air.

It was very late; yet the little mermaid could not take her eyes from the ship, or from the beautiful prince. The colored lanterns had been extinguished, no more rockets rose in the air, and the cannon had ceased firing; but the sea became restless, and a moaning, grumbling sound could be heard beneath the waves: still the little mermaid remained by the cabin window, rocking up and down on the water, which enabled her to look in. After a while, the sails were quickly unfurled, and the noble ship continued her passage; but soon the waves rose higher, heavy clouds darkened the sky, and lightning appeared in the distance. A dreadful storm was approaching; once more the sails were reefed, and the great ship pursued her flying course over the raging sea. The waves rose mountains high, as if they would have overtopped the mast; but the ship dived like a swan between them, and then rose again on their lofty, foaming crests. To the little mermaid this appeared pleasant sport; not so to the sailors. At length the ship groaned and creaked; the thick planks gave way under the lashing of the sea as it broke over the deck; the mainmast snapped asunder like a reed; the ship lay over on her side; and the water rushed in. The little mermaid now perceived that the crew were in danger; even she herself was obliged to be careful to avoid the beams and planks of the wreck which lay scattered on the water. At one moment it was so pitch dark that she could not see a single object, but a flash of lightning revealed the whole scene; she could see every one who had been on board excepting the prince; when the ship parted, she had seen him sink into the deep waves, and she was glad, for she thought he would now be with her; and then she remembered that human beings could not live in the water, so that when he got down to her father’s palace he would be quite dead. But he must not die. So she swam about among the beams and planks which strewed the surface of the sea, forgetting that they could crush her to pieces. Then she dived deeply under the dark waters, rising and falling with the waves, till at length she managed to reach the young prince, who was fast losing the power of swimming in that stormy sea. His limbs were failing him, his beautiful eyes were closed, and he would have died had not the little mermaid come to his assistance. She held his head above the water, and let the waves drift them where they would.

In the morning the storm had ceased; but of the ship not a single fragment could be seen. The sun rose up red and glowing from the water, and its beams brought back the hue of health to the prince’s cheeks; but his eyes remained closed. The mermaid kissed his high, smooth forehead, and stroked back his wet hair; he seemed to her like the marble statue in her little garden, and she kissed him again, and wished that he might live. Presently they came in sight of land; she saw lofty blue mountains, on which the white snow rested as if a flock of swans were lying upon them. Near the coast were beautiful green forests, and close by stood a large building, whether a church or a convent she could not tell. Orange and citron trees grew in the garden, and before the door stood lofty palms. The sea here formed a little bay, in which the water was quite still, but very deep; so she swam with the handsome prince to the beach, which was covered with fine, white sand, and there she laid him in the warm sunshine, taking care to raise his head higher than his body. Then bells sounded in the large white building, and a number of young girls came into the garden. The little mermaid swam out farther from the shore and placed herself between some high rocks that rose out of the water; then she covered her head and neck with the foam of the sea so that her little face might not be seen, and watched to see what would become of the poor prince. She did not wait long before she saw a young girl approach the spot where he lay. She seemed frightened at first, but only for a moment; then she fetched a number of people, and the mermaid saw that the prince came to life again, and smiled upon those who stood round him. But to her he sent no smile; he knew not that she had saved him. This made her very unhappy, and when he was led away into the great building, she dived down sorrowfully into the water, and returned to her father’s castle. She had always been silent and thoughtful, and now she was more so than ever. Her sisters asked her what she had seen during her first visit to the surface of the water; but she would tell them nothing. Many an evening and morning did she rise to the place where she had left the prince. She saw the fruits in the garden ripen till they were gathered, the snow on the tops of the mountains melt away; but she never saw the prince, and therefore she returned home, always more sorrowful than before. It was her only comfort to sit in her own little garden, and fling her arm round the beautiful marble statue which was like the prince; but she gave up tending her flowers, and they grew in wild confusion over the paths, twining their long leaves and stems round the branches of the trees, so that the whole place became dark and gloomy. At length she could bear it no longer, and told one of her sisters all about it. Then the others heard the secret, and very soon it became known to two mermaids whose intimate friend happened to know who the prince was. She had also seen the festival on board ship, and she told them where the prince came from, and where his palace stood.

“Come, little sister,” said the other princesses; then they entwined their arms and rose up in a long row to the surface of the water, close by the spot where they knew the prince’s palace stood. It was built of bright yellow shining stone, with long flights of marble steps, one of which reached quite down to the sea. Splendid gilded cupolas rose over the roof, and between the pillars that surrounded the whole building stood life-like statues of marble. Through the clear crystal of the lofty windows could be seen noble rooms, with costly silk curtains and hangings of tapestry; while the walls were covered with beautiful paintings which were a pleasure to look at. In the centre of the largest saloon a fountain threw its sparkling jets high up into the glass cupola of the ceiling, through which the sun shone down upon the water and upon the beautiful plants growing round the basin of the fountain. Now that she knew where he lived, she spent many an evening and many a night on the water near the palace. She would swim much nearer the shore than any of the others ventured to do; indeed once she went quite up the narrow channel under the marble balcony, which threw a broad shadow on the water. Here she would sit and watch the young prince, who thought himself quite alone in the bright moonlight. She saw him many times of an evening sailing in a pleasant boat, with music playing and flags waving. She peeped out from among the green rushes, and if the wind caught her long silvery-white veil, those who saw it believed it to be a swan, spreading out its wings. On many a night, too, when the fishermen, with their torches, were out at sea, she heard them relate so many good things about the doings of the young prince, that she was glad she had saved his life when he had been tossed about half-dead on the waves. And she remembered that his head had rested on her bosom, and how heartily she had kissed him; but he knew nothing of all this, and could not even dream of her. She grew more and more fond of human beings, and wished more and more to be able to wander about with those whose world seemed to be so much larger than her own. They could fly over the sea in ships, and mount the high hills which were far above the clouds; and the lands they possessed, their woods and their fields, stretched far away beyond the reach of her sight. There was so much that she wished to know, and her sisters were unable to answer all her questions. Then she applied to her old grandmother, who knew all about the upper world, which she very rightly called the lands above the sea.

“If human beings are not drowned,” asked the little mermaid, “can they live forever? do they never die as we do here in the sea?”

“Yes,” replied the old lady, “they must also die, and their term of life is even shorter than ours. We sometimes live to three hundred years, but when we cease to exist here we only become the foam on the surface of the water, and we have not even a grave down here of those we love. We have not immortal souls, we shall never live again; but, like the green sea-weed, when once it has been cut off, we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have a soul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned to dust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glittering stars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of the earth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which we shall never see.”

“Why have not we an immortal soul?” asked the little mermaid mournfully; “I would give gladly all the hundreds of years that I have to live, to be a human being only for one day, and to have the hope of knowing the happiness of that glorious world above the stars.”

“You must not think of that,” said the old woman; “we feel ourselves to be much happier and much better off than human beings.”

“So I shall die,” said the little mermaid, “and as the foam of the sea I shall be driven about never again to hear the music of the waves, or to see the pretty flowers nor the red sun. Is there anything I can do to win an immortal soul?”

“No,” said the old woman, “unless a man were to love you so much that you were more to him than his father or mother; and if all his thoughts and all his love were fixed upon you, and the priest placed his right hand in yours, and he promised to be true to you here and hereafter, then his soul would glide into your body and you would obtain a share in the future happiness of mankind. He would give a soul to you and retain his own as well; but this can never happen. Your fish’s tail, which amongst us is considered so beautiful, is thought on earth to be quite ugly; they do not know any better, and they think it necessary to have two stout props, which they call legs, in order to be handsome.”

Then the little mermaid sighed, and looked sorrowfully at her fish’s tail. “Let us be happy,” said the old lady, “and dart and spring about during the three hundred years that we have to live, which is really quite long enough; after that we can rest ourselves all the better. This evening we are going to have a court ball.”

It is one of those splendid sights which we can never see on earth. The walls and the ceiling of the large ball-room were of thick, but transparent crystal. May hundreds of colossal shells, some of a deep red, others of a grass green, stood on each side in rows, with blue fire in them, which lighted up the whole saloon, and shone through the walls, so that the sea was also illuminated. Innumerable fishes, great and small, swam past the crystal walls; on some of them the scales glowed with a purple brilliancy, and on others they shone like silver and gold. Through the halls flowed a broad stream, and in it danced the mermen and the mermaids to the music of their own sweet singing. No one on earth has such a lovely voice as theirs. The little mermaid sang more sweetly than them all. The whole court applauded her with hands and tails; and for a moment her heart felt quite gay, for she knew she had the loveliest voice of any on earth or in the sea. But she soon thought again of the world above her, for she could not forget the charming prince, nor her sorrow that she had not an immortal soul like his; therefore she crept away silently out of her father’s palace, and while everything within was gladness and song, she sat in her own little garden sorrowful and alone. Then she heard the bugle sounding through the water, and thought—“He is certainly sailing above, he on whom my wishes depend, and in whose hands I should like to place the happiness of my life. I will venture all for him, and to win an immortal soul, while my sisters are dancing in my father’s palace, I will go to the sea witch, of whom I have always been so much afraid, but she can give me counsel and help.”

And then the little mermaid went out from her garden, and took the road to the foaming whirlpools, behind which the sorceress lived. She had never been that way before: neither flowers nor grass grew there; nothing but bare, gray, sandy ground stretched out to the whirlpool, where the water, like foaming mill-wheels, whirled round everything that it seized, and cast it into the fathomless deep. Through the midst of these crushing whirlpools the little mermaid was obliged to pass, to reach the dominions of the sea witch; and also for a long distance the only road lay right across a quantity of warm, bubbling mire, called by the witch her turfmoor. Beyond this stood her house, in the centre of a strange forest, in which all the trees and flowers were polypi, half animals and half plants; they looked like serpents with a hundred heads growing out of the ground. The branches were long slimy arms, with fingers like flexible worms, moving limb after limb from the root to the top. All that could be reached in the sea they seized upon, and held fast, so that it never escaped from their clutches. The little mermaid was so alarmed at what she saw, that she stood still, and her heart beat with fear, and she was very nearly turning back; but she thought of the prince, and of the human soul for which she longed, and her courage returned. She fastened her long flowing hair round her head, so that the polypi might not seize hold of it. She laid her hands together across her bosom, and then she darted forward as a fish shoots through the water, between the supple arms and fingers of the ugly polypi, which were stretched out on each side of her. She saw that each held in its grasp something it had seized with its numerous little arms, as if they were iron bands. The white skeletons of human beings who had perished at sea, and had sunk down into the deep waters, skeletons of land animals, oars, rudders, and chests of ships were lying tightly grasped by their clinging arms; even a little mermaid, whom they had caught and strangled; and this seemed the most shocking of all to the little princess.

She now came to a space of marshy ground in the wood, where large, fat water-snakes were rolling in the mire, and showing their ugly, drab-colored bodies. In the midst of this spot stood a house, built with the bones of shipwrecked human beings. There sat the sea witch, allowing a toad to eat from her mouth, just as people sometimes feed a canary with a piece of sugar. She called the ugly water-snakes her little chickens, and allowed them to crawl all over her bosom.

“I know what you want,” said the sea witch; “it is very stupid of you, but you shall have your way, and it will bring you to sorrow, my pretty princess. You want to get rid of your fish’s tail, and to have two supports instead of it, like human beings on earth, so that the young prince may fall in love with you, and that you may have an immortal soul.” And then the witch laughed so loud and disgustingly, that the toad and the snakes fell to the ground, and lay there wriggling about. “You are but just in time,” said the witch; “for after sunrise to-morrow I should not be able to help you till the end of another year. I will prepare a draught for you, with which you must swim to land tomorrow before sunrise, and sit down on the shore and drink it. Your tail will then disappear, and shrink up into what mankind calls legs, and you will feel great pain, as if a sword were passing through you. But all who see you will say that you are the prettiest little human being they ever saw. You will still have the same floating gracefulness of movement, and no dancer will ever tread so lightly; but at every step you take it will feel as if you were treading upon sharp knives, and that the blood must flow. If you will bear all this, I will help you.”

“Yes, I will,” said the little princess in a trembling voice, as she thought of the prince and the immortal soul.

“But think again,” said the witch; “for when once your shape has become like a human being, you can no more be a mermaid. You will never return through the water to your sisters, or to your father’s palace again; and if you do not win the love of the prince, so that he is willing to forget his father and mother for your sake, and to love you with his whole soul, and allow the priest to join your hands that you may be man and wife, then you will never have an immortal soul. The first morning after he marries another your heart will break, and you will become foam on the crest of the waves.”

“I will do it,” said the little mermaid, and she became pale as death.

“But I must be paid also,” said the witch, “and it is not a trifle that I ask. You have the sweetest voice of any who dwell here in the depths of the sea, and you believe that you will be able to charm the prince with it also, but this voice you must give to me; the best thing you possess will I have for the price of my draught. My own blood must be mixed with it, that it may be as sharp as a two-edged sword.”

“But if you take away my voice,” said the little mermaid, “what is left for me?”

“Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man’s heart. Well, have you lost your courage? Put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my payment; then you shall have the powerful draught.”

“It shall be,” said the little mermaid.

Then the witch placed her cauldron on the fire, to prepare the magic draught.

“Cleanliness is a good thing,” said she, scouring the vessel with snakes, which she had tied together in a large knot; then she pricked herself in the breast, and let the black blood drop into it. The steam that rose formed itself into such horrible shapes that no one could look at them without fear. Every moment the witch threw something else into the vessel, and when it began to boil, the sound was like the weeping of a crocodile. When at last the magic draught was ready, it looked like the clearest water. “There it is for you,” said the witch. Then she cut off the mermaid’s tongue, so that she became dumb, and would never again speak or sing. “If the polypi should seize hold of you as you return through the wood,” said the witch, “throw over them a few drops of the potion, and their fingers will be torn into a thousand pieces.” But the little mermaid had no occasion to do this, for the polypi sprang back in terror when they caught sight of the glittering draught, which shone in her hand like a twinkling star.

So she passed quickly through the wood and the marsh, and between the rushing whirlpools. She saw that in her father’s palace the torches in the ballroom were extinguished, and all within asleep; but she did not venture to go in to them, for now she was dumb and going to leave them forever, she felt as if her heart would break. She stole into the garden, took a flower from the flower-beds of each of her sisters, kissed her hand a thousand times towards the palace, and then rose up through the dark blue waters. The sun had not risen when she came in sight of the prince’s palace, and approached the beautiful marble steps, but the moon shone clear and bright. Then the little mermaid drank the magic draught, and it seemed as if a two-edged sword went through her delicate body: she fell into a swoon, and lay like one dead. When the sun arose and shone over the sea, she recovered, and felt a sharp pain; but just before her stood the handsome young prince. He fixed his coal-black eyes upon her so earnestly that she cast down her own, and then became aware that her fish’s tail was gone, and that she had as pretty a pair of white legs and tiny feet as any little maiden could have; but she had no clothes, so she wrapped herself in her long, thick hair. The prince asked her who she was, and where she came from, and she looked at him mildly and sorrowfully with her deep blue eyes; but she could not speak. Every step she took was as the witch had said it would be, she felt as if treading upon the points of needles or sharp knives; but she bore it willingly, and stepped as lightly by the prince’s side as a soap-bubble, so that he and all who saw her wondered at her graceful-swaying movements. She was very soon arrayed in costly robes of silk and muslin, and was the most beautiful creature in the palace; but she was dumb, and could neither speak nor sing.

Beautiful female slaves, dressed in silk and gold, stepped forward and sang before the prince and his royal parents: one sang better than all the others, and the prince clapped his hands and smiled at her. This was great sorrow to the little mermaid; she knew how much more sweetly she herself could sing once, and she thought, “Oh if he could only know that! I have given away my voice forever, to be with him.”

The slaves next performed some pretty fairy-like dances, to the sound of beautiful music. Then the little mermaid raised her lovely white arms, stood on the tips of her toes, and glided over the floor, and danced as no one yet had been able to dance. At each moment her beauty became more revealed, and her expressive eyes appealed more directly to the heart than the songs of the slaves. Every one was enchanted, especially the prince, who called her his little foundling; and she danced again quite readily, to please him, though each time her foot touched the floor it seemed as if she trod on sharp knives.

The prince said she should remain with him always, and she received permission to sleep at his door, on a velvet cushion. He had a page’s dress made for her, that she might accompany him on horseback. They rode together through the sweet-scented woods, where the green boughs touched their shoulders, and the little birds sang among the fresh leaves. She climbed with the prince to the tops of high mountains; and although her tender feet bled so that even her steps were marked, she only laughed, and followed him till they could see the clouds beneath them looking like a flock of birds travelling to distant lands. While at the prince’s palace, and when all the household were asleep, she would go and sit on the broad marble steps; for it eased her burning feet to bathe them in the cold sea-water; and then she thought of all those below in the deep.

Once during the night her sisters came up arm-in-arm, singing sorrowfully, as they floated on the water. She beckoned to them, and then they recognized her, and told her how she had grieved them. After that, they came to the same place every night; and once she saw in the distance her old grandmother, who had not been to the surface of the sea for many years, and the old Sea King, her father, with his crown on his head. They stretched out their hands towards her, but they did not venture so near the land as her sisters did.

As the days passed, she loved the prince more fondly, and he loved her as he would love a little child, but it never came into his head to make her his wife; yet, unless he married her, she could not receive an immortal soul; and, on the morning after his marriage with another, she would dissolve into the foam of the sea.

“Do you not love me the best of them all?” the eyes of the little mermaid seemed to say, when he took her in his arms, and kissed her fair forehead.

“Yes, you are dear to me,” said the prince; “for you have the best heart, and you are the most devoted to me; you are like a young maiden whom I once saw, but whom I shall never meet again. I was in a ship that was wrecked, and the waves cast me ashore near a holy temple, where several young maidens performed the service. The youngest of them found me on the shore, and saved my life. I saw her but twice, and she is the only one in the world whom I could love; but you are like her, and you have almost driven her image out of my mind. She belongs to the holy temple, and my good fortune has sent you to me instead of her; and we will never part.”

“Ah, he knows not that it was I who saved his life,” thought the little mermaid. “I carried him over the sea to the wood where the temple stands: I sat beneath the foam, and watched till the human beings came to help him. I saw the pretty maiden that he loves better than he loves me;” and the mermaid sighed deeply, but she could not shed tears. “He says the maiden belongs to the holy temple, therefore she will never return to the world. They will meet no more: while I am by his side, and see him every day. I will take care of him, and love him, and give up my life for his sake.”

Very soon it was said that the prince must marry, and that the beautiful daughter of a neighboring king would be his wife, for a fine ship was being fitted out. Although the prince gave out that he merely intended to pay a visit to the king, it was generally supposed that he really went to see his daughter. A great company were to go with him. The little mermaid smiled, and shook her head. She knew the prince’s thoughts better than any of the others.

“I must travel,” he had said to her; “I must see this beautiful princess; my parents desire it; but they will not oblige me to bring her home as my bride. I cannot love her; she is not like the beautiful maiden in the temple, whom you resemble. If I were forced to choose a bride, I would rather choose you, my dumb foundling, with those expressive eyes.” And then he kissed her rosy mouth, played with her long waving hair, and laid his head on her heart, while she dreamed of human happiness and an immortal soul. “You are not afraid of the sea, my dumb child,” said he, as they stood on the deck of the noble ship which was to carry them to the country of the neighboring king. And then he told her of storm and of calm, of strange fishes in the deep beneath them, and of what the divers had seen there; and she smiled at his descriptions, for she knew better than any one what wonders were at the bottom of the sea.

In the moonlight, when all on board were asleep, excepting the man at the helm, who was steering, she sat on the deck, gazing down through the clear water. She thought she could distinguish her father’s castle, and upon it her aged grandmother, with the silver crown on her head, looking through the rushing tide at the keel of the vessel. Then her sisters came up on the waves, and gazed at her mournfully, wringing their white hands. She beckoned to them, and smiled, and wanted to tell them how happy and well off she was; but the cabin-boy approached, and when her sisters dived down he thought it was only the foam of the sea which he saw.

The next morning the ship sailed into the harbor of a beautiful town belonging to the king whom the prince was going to visit. The church bells were ringing, and from the high towers sounded a flourish of trumpets; and soldiers, with flying colors and glittering bayonets, lined the rocks through which they passed. Every day was a festival; balls and entertainments followed one another.

But the princess had not yet appeared. People said that she was being brought up and educated in a religious house, where she was learning every royal virtue. At last she came. Then the little mermaid, who was very anxious to see whether she was really beautiful, was obliged to acknowledge that she had never seen a more perfect vision of beauty. Her skin was delicately fair, and beneath her long dark eye-lashes her laughing blue eyes shone with truth and purity.

“It was you,” said the prince, “who saved my life when I lay dead on the beach,” and he folded his blushing bride in his arms. “Oh, I am too happy,” said he to the little mermaid; “my fondest hopes are all fulfilled. You will rejoice at my happiness; for your devotion to me is great and sincere.”

The little mermaid kissed his hand, and felt as if her heart were already broken. His wedding morning would bring death to her, and she would change into the foam of the sea. All the church bells rung, and the heralds rode about the town proclaiming the betrothal. Perfumed oil was burning in costly silver lamps on every altar. The priests waved the censers, while the bride and bridegroom joined their hands and received the blessing of the bishop. The little mermaid, dressed in silk and gold, held up the bride’s train; but her ears heard nothing of the festive music, and her eyes saw not the holy ceremony; she thought of the night of death which was coming to her, and of all she had lost in the world. On the same evening the bride and bridegroom went on board ship; cannons were roaring, flags waving, and in the centre of the ship a costly tent of purple and gold had been erected. It contained elegant couches, for the reception of the bridal pair during the night. The ship, with swelling sails and a favorable wind, glided away smoothly and lightly over the calm sea. When it grew dark a number of colored lamps were lit, and the sailors danced merrily on the deck. The little mermaid could not help thinking of her first rising out of the sea, when she had seen similar festivities and joys; and she joined in the dance, poised herself in the air as a swallow when he pursues his prey, and all present cheered her with wonder. She had never danced so elegantly before. Her tender feet felt as if cut with sharp knives, but she cared not for it; a sharper pang had pierced through her heart. She knew this was the last evening she should ever see the prince, for whom she had forsaken her kindred and her home; she had given up her beautiful voice, and suffered unheard-of pain daily for him, while he knew nothing of it. This was the last evening that she would breathe the same air with him, or gaze on the starry sky and the deep sea; an eternal night, without a thought or a dream, awaited her: she had no soul and now she could never win one. All was joy and gayety on board ship till long after midnight; she laughed and danced with the rest, while the thoughts of death were in her heart. The prince kissed his beautiful bride, while she played with his raven hair, till they went arm-in-arm to rest in the splendid tent. Then all became still on board the ship; the helmsman, alone awake, stood at the helm. The little mermaid leaned her white arms on the edge of the vessel, and looked towards the east for the first blush of morning, for that first ray of dawn that would bring her death. She saw her sisters rising out of the flood: they were as pale as herself; but their long beautiful hair waved no more in the wind, and had been cut off.

“We have given our hair to the witch,” said they, “to obtain help for you, that you may not die to-night. She has given us a knife: here it is, see it is very sharp. Before the sun rises you must plunge it into the heart of the prince; when the warm blood falls upon your feet they will grow together again, and form into a fish’s tail, and you will be once more a mermaid, and return to us to live out your three hundred years before you die and change into the salt sea foam. Haste, then; he or you must die before sunrise. Our old grandmother moans so for you, that her white hair is falling off from sorrow, as ours fell under the witch’s scissors. Kill the prince and come back; hasten: do you not see the first red streaks in the sky? In a few minutes the sun will rise, and you must die.” And then they sighed deeply and mournfully, and sank down beneath the waves.

The little mermaid drew back the crimson curtain of the tent, and beheld the fair bride with her head resting on the prince’s breast. She bent down and kissed his fair brow, then looked at the sky on which the rosy dawn grew brighter and brighter; then she glanced at the sharp knife, and again fixed her eyes on the prince, who whispered the name of his bride in his dreams. She was in his thoughts, and the knife trembled in the hand of the little mermaid: then she flung it far away from her into the waves; the water turned red where it fell, and the drops that spurted up looked like blood. She cast one more lingering, half-fainting glance at the prince, and then threw herself from the ship into the sea, and thought her body was dissolving into foam. The sun rose above the waves, and his warm rays fell on the cold foam of the little mermaid, who did not feel as if she were dying. She saw the bright sun, and all around her floated hundreds of transparent beautiful beings; she could see through them the white sails of the ship, and the red clouds in the sky; their speech was melodious, but too ethereal to be heard by mortal ears, as they were also unseen by mortal eyes. The little mermaid perceived that she had a body like theirs, and that she continued to rise higher and higher out of the foam. “Where am I?” asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it.

“Among the daughters of the air,” answered one of them. “A mermaid has not an immortal soul, nor can she obtain one unless she wins the love of a human being. On the power of another hangs her eternal destiny. But the daughters of the air, although they do not possess an immortal soul, can, by their good deeds, procure one for themselves. We fly to warm countries, and cool the sultry air that destroys mankind with the pestilence. We carry the perfume of the flowers to spread health and restoration. After we have striven for three hundred years to all the good in our power, we receive an immortal soul and take part in the happiness of mankind. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do as we are doing; you have suffered and endured and raised yourself to the spirit-world by your good deeds; and now, by striving for three hundred years in the same way, you may obtain an immortal soul.”

The little mermaid lifted her glorified eyes towards the sun, and felt them, for the first time, filling with tears. On the ship, in which she had left the prince, there were life and noise; she saw him and his beautiful bride searching for her; sorrowfully they gazed at the pearly foam, as if they knew she had thrown herself into the waves. Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.

“After three hundred years, thus shall we float into the kingdom of heaven,” said she. “And we may even get there sooner,” whispered one of her companions. “Unseen we can enter the houses of men, where there are children, and for every day on which we find a good child, who is the joy of his parents and deserves their love, our time of probation is shortened. The child does not know, when we fly through the room, that we smile with joy at his good conduct, for we can count one year less of our three hundred years. But when we see a naughty or a wicked child, we shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to our time of trial!” still has the same effect on me. reading it, i even can recall the melanhcolic music that accompanied the movie. *sighs* i have seen other fairytale movies as well though they weren't animation. i managed to catch The Snow Queen on hallmark and Snow White on 5 [for some reason, it had a very late time slot. interestingly, they had Kristin Kreuk ie.lana from smallville as Snow White]. bothe were equally beautiful and enchanting. i honestly prefer them to the fluff that disney provides. but i suppose parents world-wide would nver agree with me. all i can do is hope that their poor, deprived children will discover the REAL fairytales later on in their life

until then,
*waves wand and disappears in a mist of sparkles*