Saturday, November 07, 2009

I have no more interest in this blog.

Disperse! O ye 5 readers.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

More personal outpouring

I used to think that I was a very honest and direct person especially when it comes to the maneuvering of relationships, but now I realize that is not true at all. The other day I was talking to a friend about how one of my biggest frustrations is that I never got to tell my then-boyfriend all the issues I was pissed about with him when we broke up...because I didn't want to. He said that if he was in then-boyfriend's place, he would have wanted to know. Which is true, so would I. But how can you say such things to a person you love/d knowing very well that it would hurt them? In addition to that, it seems very unnecessary because it's not like much good would come of it at the stage.

Which applies to all my relationships with people now. I can barely tell my friends when I need them, or when I feel like utter crap (until days later), or that I disagree with them, or that I think they are being a jerk. I am so non-confrontational now that its ridiculous. It's just that with my time stretched so thin as it is, it seems so almost wasteful to bring in potential-conflict with friends. I would rather just keep it affable and bury issues. But seriously, this cannot be a long-term solution because I am all about suppressed frustration right now. recent posts have proven.

Which is also why my ADM friends know nothing about this blog, I hope. All this anxious introspection would be alien to their impression of me and yeah honestly, I think it would make them uncomfortable. They are so convinced that I have it all figured out that they would find this ridiculous, which is ridiculous in itself. Not that I haven't tried opening up this side of me to them, but I just got strange looks from them so yeah let's just leave it at that.

Weird isn't it, the schism between who you (think you) are and other people's perception of you. To the most trivial thing, like wondering whether people think I'm pretty*. I personally like the way I look, but that is really not based on uh, standards of attractiveness. And you don't need to give me the bullcrap about how the most important thing is I like myself because excuse me, re-read the first sentence of this paragraph okay: not the point! With then-boyfriend, I never gave a flying hoot about this because I knew he thought so (belated thanks, btw). So it seems! That this really boils down to an inherent need for external validation. Which sounds a bit pathetic at first, but really people do this all the time for all causes no? I have an idea of who I am, but need external validation, the need for the Other to anchor what would otherwise be a floating and free-forming set of ideas of who you are. In this case, to think therefore you are, doesn't quite resolve the crisis.

*What, it's true! I think its a fair reaction towards having gone through consecutive half-baked romantic encounters. Its just a whole lot simpler to rationalize the outcome to thoughts of yeah probably just not pretty enough. Simplistic, but it also allows me NOT to go through even more problematic analysis of Why Things Didn't Work Out which is a complete waste of time anyway, cos heck knows what was going on on the other side right.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Oh bloody hell, what a week* of personally-not-feeling-awesomeness. THANKS WORLD, yes I get it. A quick diagram! (or two.)



Have you ever seen such angsty diagrams?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Live fast, die young.

Suddenly doesn't seem like a bad way to go, especially/only if you've managed to accomplish much within that span of time. Edges of nihilism biting at me.

Thursday, July 02, 2009



Okay I forgot where I got this from, but its an online magazine that is downloadable in pdf.

(I used to hate pdf because I thought it was a really clunky file that made my computer lag, but of course that turned out to be the Acrobat Reader software running on Windows. PDF + Mac + Preview = Awesome Handiness.)

Also, half-baked things that are coming up from my internship stint - work that has been rudely interrupted by the client uh, lack of approval. Which I'm okay with, it helps that I assume everything will be an uphill struggle, and besides the company I'm interning at does cool jobs anyway. So even the most tedious of tedious is relatively fun.



Thursday, June 18, 2009


Which means you Aini!

I have lost weight.

No, not really. That is just some epic cheek-sucking-in and effective lighting at work. But! Remember when I said I cut my hair, and I was feeling hella awesome about it. Well I'm still feeling awesome about it and have been upkeeping what was an originally expensive hair cut with $5 trims (YEAH!) and it has been about two months now and I am totally loving it.

Fine and Normal

Pretty Awesome!

Not to get too philosophical over something as trivial as hair, but I do feel it represents who I am very aptly. Although a friend said I am a total alpha female with this hair...and I don't know how I feel about that. Has its pros and cons.

(Oh and when my mum saw it, she said she only liked one side - guess which. HAHA)

(Actually she specifically said the side she didn't like looked like something out of a drug rehab center.)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

One of the few touristy pictures I took on my trip to Cambodia, courtesy of Frankie. There are a kajillion photos, so I'm just going to indiscriminately pick a few that amuse me.

Pre-album artwork for Dhaniah's band, My Writes. They play indie pop although I think their new album It's Okay, I'm With The Band, explores different styles quite nicely. The five people who read this blog! Check them out here!

Final thing:

#EDIT: On another note, how annoying is it that all the cool boys are taken?

#EDIT: Also, they need to invent a function that allows you to retract an sms from being sent out because you were only half-thinking (although the sentiments were genuine) and it was too late when you realize, oh fuck maybe that wasn't very appropriate. Resulting in an sms exchange that was awkward to the max which personally, made it ridiculous and hilarious but in all probability, I don't think the other person found it that way.

Lately, I've also been thinking about how I'm so limited/narrow in my interest. Which is design, obviously. Its just that I've been meeting new people and they're into this, and also this and this and what would I say? I'm really into graphic design.

What, that's it? Although I do love EVERYTHING about design. I love the sensitive treatment of typography, especially in recent issues of Vanity Fair.
And also in letterpress typography.

This one I found at Oh So Beautiful, a design blog I found today with a great focus on all things paper and beautiful.

And packaging design, motion graphics and the crafting of intent that comes with advertising and branding. I wish I was really good at what I do though. There are amazing people out there and I think more than just to have a brilliant and clever idea, the other thing to scour for is recognition. Which is more than talent and skill, sometimes its just plain luck and connections.

Wow funny mousse birthday cake I had earlier is doing things to my digestive system now at 4:41 A.M. Selective and sporadic lactose intolerance, YOU SUCK.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Its funny how reading astrology books do help in creating some sense and explanation for the things that I would otherwise, only have half-vague answers for. Which is really why I have always been pulled towards astrology, for the simple fact that it offers me a brace or scaffolding to lean on to, a foundation to build up my own understanding of the relationships I have with people.

Anyway, I was hanging out with Dhaniah yesterday which was great as always, but a bit more awesome this time because we had an episode of hysterically cussing out the world to expel our frustration (WHICH FELT GREAT AND REALLY WORKED BTW) and then were witnesses to a pretty damn cool lead singer-mosh pit dynamic which made for good analysis and discussion on male aggression (lol), and then discussion on things that are bright, shiny and new, and then actually genuine cross-affirmation of things along the line of 'yeah, you totally deserve better!'

Good weekend.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Feel the need to do something reckless and drastic. Might have something to do with turning 21 recently, and there's just a lot of tension and unfulfilled-ness in there that I am keeping under wraps.

But I already got my hair cut (looks super cool btw) and bought new shoes. What else, what else.

Have been painting a lot (self-portrait assignments) and you'd think that would help, but not really. All that close observation and introspection is just making me more tense.

Friday, April 10, 2009

more from the holga

Kulai, Malaysia. (not that its recognizable anyway ha)


near Tash's


Tanjong Pagar Railway Station, early morning Singapore


Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Because I am very careless when I email sometimes and tend to forget to attach files. Tell me I'm not the only one here.

(Which is techno-gadget site aimed at women, full of quirky goodness. Not that I'm re-inforcing negative gender stereotypes. Women can be very serious about technology. But where's the fun in that! BRING ON THE SUSHI THUMBDRIVES)

Or other such weirdness:

Thursday, March 19, 2009


But a recent conversation with a friend has gotten me thinking about love. And I figured, that love is tenderness. Its tenderness towards the other person, and its also the tenderness that comes from putting yourself at that point of vulnerability, and also the irrational way how your reaction to the person's actions are disproportionately amplified.

I am glad to have loved, anyhow.

Also, I don't quite understand uh, people who feel the need to keep their relationship a secret from other people. I get not-flaunting-it-about, but the secrecy? I find it strange, and slightly shady.

Also, I am STILL very disturbed by this couple I know who I had once thought to be pretty cool and chill, but then witnessed him being super-rude/dismissive to her. At least, intolerably rude according to my standards. Excuse me, I don't take that kind of attitude from anybody and I always thought she was kind of like me in that regard, AND in light of the whole chris brown/rihanna debacle, it just leaves me D:

LOL at me for living via other people's relationships since I am oh so alone/single now. How nosy.

In any case, so despite my rather rosy thoughts about love as mentioned earlier, I am starting to think that relationships (or at least the ones that surround me) are all pretty screwed up. Anisha was joking with me earlier tonight: pointing to the Fullerton Hotel, she said, "That's where I'm getting married in 6 years time."

"6 years?? But that would make us..."


"Yeah, 27 would be a good time to get married -

"That's the plan. Either that or you're going to find me at the bottom of the river."

"I'll join you."

Such fatalism! Which does not so much come from the cynicism/pessimism of not being able to find a person who you will love a lot-lot, but for me at least, the apprehension that I will be able to sustain (forever) the relationship through everything else that I'm passing through for the next few years. If the aim is Ultimate Long-Term relationship, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail that one.

You would think that the fear is not being able to find somebody you want to live with forever (in the mortal sense) in the next few years, but its really that I don't think I will be ready in the next few years.

Then what?

Monday, March 09, 2009


Old holga photos from when I was in India that were originally in colour. I realized that desaturating them brought out some details that I had not seen before, hurray for surprises!







Thursday, March 05, 2009

My Very First Oil Painting

How exciting right! I'm taking an oil painting class this semester because I thought it would be good to beef up my (non-existing) painting skills. I'm primarily a drawing person, and I have painted in watercolours and acrylic before, but never with formal skills etc. Also, I'm making it a point to take one therapeutic class every semester, so this is it! It would be a good skill set to obtain too, illustration-wise.


My composition skills are a bit shite (note: this was already cropped in photoshop), and I don't have so much the loose option to alter or add on to adjust things as I would when I draw, since I'm not too comfortable with it yet.

The close-up shows the brush strokes, and close tonal scheme that I seem to incline towards. I'm on my third painting so far, and its becoming very apparent that I'm into subtle tonal differences and a kind of blockish brush stroke. I actually took this class hoping to learn how to do the hyper-realistic style of oil painting but urgh, blending! Maybe I don't have the patience for it, or rather the fact that amateurish realism looks so lame that I would rather leapfrog across the whole thing and not learn it at all!


Also, Euan Uglow is a present favourite:

More sketch-doodles. I'm stuck in the sense that I haven't a clue how to process them to make them look more polished - I have tons of these.



*Who's Hans Bacher? He used to be a production designer for Disney, working on major things like Mulan, Beauty and the Beast, Roger Rabbit etc. He came to our school today to present a lecture and it was really entertaining - apart from hearing the inside (positive and negative) scoop of what happens behind the storyboards at Disney, he presented a really cool analysis on colour and composition principles based on some classical paintings. Very nice.

Sunday, March 01, 2009




I have massive gap time between posting up completed work. This was part of a book project for my 2D class at the end of my foundation year. It was crazy stressful, but you know, I do miss working with the print press, and being more crafty. Lament, lament!

Speaking of crazy stressful, that is one thing i REALLY should be right now but I'm not lol. I'm completely in a state of denial and negligence, and I've never cut my deadlines/progress this close before. Its a puzzling lack of urgency.

I hope you will be pleased with the cleaned-up blog layout, I spent the night pushing around html code without even fully understanding it ha, but I think it looks much more orderly now AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: huge space for pictures.

Like this one -


One of the nicer shots I got from the train ride back from malaysia. I took the railway with anisha and tash, and it was a series of almost-misadventures which made for interesting times ha. More on that later, am supposed to be studying astronomy. Among many other things that need to get done.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

Its a Typography Post.

Was working on a project for school where I had to design a masthead for a fictional magazine. So playing around with fonts and such, I discovered this!


How amazingly cool is it that Baskerville's brackets are so gorgeously thin and light, that it looks like it belongs with a san serif typeface? And yet, it still matches the serif letters so well, since Baskerville I feel, has a relatively light stroke as it is. So nice.

(Not that there's anything wrong with Caslon, of course.)

How about a closer look please! And you know I love italics, even more than how much I love san serifs in their thin/ultrathin versions.

Check out the even stroke of the ampersand (&) on Baskerville Regular compared to the Caslon. And the contrast on its comma is gorgeous. While I'm not to sure on the sharpness of its question mark, I really love the flourish on Baskerville Italic's ampersand and just look at the sharp tapered ends of the brackets!

Its quite an innovative solution too, I think, with regards to designing what the italicized form of the brackets should be. Ultrathin strokes on regular, and a slight belly in italics, to denote a really graceful shift in weight and angle.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Today, while covering lecture notes from my astronomy class that I have only attended once this entire half-semester, I learnt that the light from the sun takes 8 minutes to reach us!

I see my day by something that happened 8 minutes ago. Its a strange, strange tension between past and present.

And you know, since everything is formed and/or defined from light, colours (which are, I think, the reflection of different wavelengths of light) and light helps us define forms, I think its pretty crazy-ridiculous that our present is shaped by something that is past.

No? Anyone else see the craziness?

In any case, it'll help me feel less guilty if and when I start delving back into old sad stories, because hey, that seems to be the actual, physical condition of our lives on this planet! Hoho, nifty excuse.

This is why I wanted to take the astronomy class, I guess I see something romantic about the universe and all its systems and how they were formed. Its so massive, gorgeous but also distant.

Something humbling too, to know that Earth is part of our Solar System, which is part of a branch of one of the many lesser arms of the Milky Way Galaxy, which is part of the Local Group, smaller than another Local Group galaxy, the Andromeda Galaxy, which in itself, is minute against the unimaginable number of galaxies that probably exist in the universe.


I also like how my lecturer wrote in his slide:
Most of the atoms in our bodies were created in the core of a star! We are made of star stuff.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Seriously, Helter Skelter is an amazing song - both the original Beatles song and the version for Across the Universe. The rawness, the violence! GRAWR!

Do you, don't you want me to love you
I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you
Tell me tell me tell me come on tell me the answer
Well you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

Now helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter yeah

Will you, won't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you
Tell me tell me tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

Damn killer. I suppose my taste for music late in the night when churning out work is loud and ear-killing. The Vines!

Old project based on Symone's translation of Baudelaire's Epilogue:

With heart at rest I climbed the citadel's/ Steep height

and see the city as from a tower, /Hospital, brothel, prison, and such hells,

I love thee, infamous city!

Harlots and /Hunted have pleasures of their own to give,

The vulgar herd can never understand.

(click to enlarge to get mofo-huge image)

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Wah lan eh. You know what school makes people do?


So far, there are three equally tentative and equally awesome plans by different groups of people. I (impossibly) want to go for all!

1. Bali trip with the girlfriends
Amazing girl-time, confirmed! Will I be able to drag them to look extensively at the Balinese temples? Will I bore them with the remnants of what I (will) learn this semester from Asian Art History? An awesome bonus is that lodging is kinda sorta free!

2. Cambodia with new ADM friends
HELLO CAMBODIA AND ARCHITECTURE AND PHOTO-OPPORTUNITIES. Is Cambodia > Bali? Might be cool to get to know said friends better via rough and tumble vacation.

Aiya this is the most awesome one of all la. In fact, I really hope that this plan will fall through because if it IS happening, it is honestly the most awesome one (in terms of holiday destination). Come on! I love north indian food! Which is going to be hella fantastic because indian food in its native land is 10000000000000000x better than what we get here in Singapore. And the Taj Mahal! And india is just amazing, period.


Say I'm earning $120 a month from workstudy, I have somewhat three months of work coming up - that will give me $360. Other design-related shindigs as off now will (soon) be giving me $100. So, counting all my chickens before they hatch, I've got $460 which should bring me to Bali quite easily but not that settles it I guess!

Now I just need to brainwash the India-Group to postpone their travel plans to the following year! :D

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Lol I always come out from a jaunt through Facebook-trawling feeling pretty lame.


I went to this pretty amazing gig today, the first gig I've been too in a very long time and wah lau, the music was hella awesome. At first, the $18 entry seemed like quite a drag, even though it was a for a good cause but just seeing three of the bands listed to play at the gig made it damn worth my money. First band we caught was Amateur Takes Control, who co-incidentally! Has romantic links with a super-cool friend, who now that I've made this connection, has +97213172 Cool Points lol.

Hazri disagrees with me, but I really prefer listening to shoegaze/alternative rock/post-rock/whatever! live rather than a recorded version. There's something incredible about listening to all the layered sound going from heartachingly sweet tones and then building up and then you can FEEL the vibration from the bass (guitar and drums) hitting you and then the IMMENSE sound filling my ears like the universe! Its so huge and dense but you can feel every inflection and you're in touch with every motion and then the peak hits and the strobe light flashes white -

God, its just this intense bliss.

Or maybe that's just me, channeling and projecting my own emotions into a random well of sound that some people would consider noise.

And also, we saw Great Spy Experiment which is pretty nifty! Since the (higher priced) gig they had at the Esplanade sold-out damn fast and hey, technically $6 bucks to watch a 30-minute set so hurrah! It was nice that I could sing along (lol what a fangirl..) and its always nice to hear the vocals live (i.e. wow he really does sound like that in person) and 'Siti in the City' was really great to hear live, and gah 'Late Night Request' in all of its melancholy. BUT, BUT! The greatest bit was the last song they played, called 'The Lights'? I'm not too sure whether this was on their album, but holy geez it was effin amazing! I think the vocalist had some reverb thingum somewhere and phwoar, what immense sound! It reminded me of U2, and while I don't usually like U2, it reminded me of a very, very, very good U2.

And MUON! I know they sound good on record, but live, their clear sound just cuts through the air man. Again with what I mentioned (or raved, rather ha) about hearing shoegaze live.

Lol I am being so damn superlative tonight.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

When I think about, all the insecurities and neuroses that I neatly pack away and suppress within my 20 year old self were formed in my secondary school days. EVERYTHING.

Everything about my hair (length, texture oh god), height, weight, clothes, race, boys, everythingggggg!

The worst thing is that it all kind of revolves around one person, which makes working hard on this friendship difficult to say the least. Aside from the long neglect that we both are guilty off, there's this deep-seated resentment that I thought I had let go off, but sometimes, I suppose I haven't. It's nothing personal really, and its definitely my own issues.

Right, three more months before I hit 21 which being the arbitrary mark for adulthood, I might grow up by then! Wouldn't it be great though, if our maturity level was definitely tied to our biological age? That on the day that I officially cannot be called a teenager, all my juvenile issues dissipate into thin air!

Let's call a spade a spade hmm? I've never been the "hot" friend and yeah, this is still pretty much true in my current social circles, except that I'm not bothered by it any more. I think its kind of why my dressing sense is decidedly un-sexy. I don't feel that 'sexy' is any part of my identity lol, and it would just feel weird! I could and would carry off any look except you know, the whole slinky dress and heels deal. I can't see myself that way, and I have NEVER picked anything in that aesthetic when I go shopping. Maybe I find sexy boring, in the sense that it doesn't relate to me or my personality at all.

It's just that I'm seeing my friends around me all growing up and starting to look Dude, my 16 year old sister just bought a very mature looking Aldo PURSE that while very nice, I wouldn't have picked at all. But urgh, the thought of wearing very nice, form-fitting jersey dresses from Victoria's Secret and tops with proper slacks and skirts - how dreary!

I want to be wearing funny shaped skirts and too many layers and things with crazy pleats and pairing amazingly sleek outfits with scruffy $8 sneakers forever! Not very sexy la, but you know, it's me at least.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Am listening to the new Franz Ferdinand album and its a pretty different sound, some of it sounds a bit weird* to me but there are some IMMEDIATELY strong tracks (Ulysses, Turn It On, the electronic half of Lucid Dreams, Twillight Omens)! It took me awhile to realize that I was already mini-dancing in my seat on the first listen, and hey its been some time since any album has gotten me to do that. The sound is even more layered now, which is awesome. Sometimes I also wish they did more soft ballads because the vocals on Katherine Kiss Me is so emotive and coupled with the lyrics, its quite dirtily wistful.


*not too worried about this either - i remember not feeling half of the second album in the beginning but now I love all the tracks.

I've been having increasingly traumatic nightmares three nights in a row man, which really sucks. Its quite emotionally exhausting to wake up in the morning carrying all the leftover fear, panic and anxiety from sleeptime encounters with Anonymous, Invsible, Malignant Forces giving chase and then having to find a place to hide. Or having a psycho stalker who is just so quietly sinister who makes you feel so scared to even leave the house by yourself because she WILL FIND YOU and then you find out that your mother's an impostor and it's actually the stalker AFTER FACIAL-RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY. Then you kill her.

The residual anxiety this morning was so bad I even didn't feel 'safe' leaving the house.

Oh god. I have issues.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

So what's it like being in art school?

Recently, there's a lot of the novel back-to-school yelling hi! and hey! from one end of the school to the other when a long-lost friend is spotted. There's the mingling at the student cafe where I fiddled with a photography major's $10,000 Hasselblad on loan from the school, feeling downright pissed that I wasn't able to loan it too! Because a graphic design major should totally be entitled to utilizing precious and elite equipment from another department right, ha!

Its missing lunch and eating pistachios instead, because I can't be bothered to waste my already short break trekking up the hill to a very crowded canteen.

Its also eating pistachios in the middle of class, because we're kind of chill that way. Then again, its also running down to the workshop to look for scrap mounting board for a last minute presentation. And then! Finding perfectly good files in the workshop and then bringing the whole lot up to share with friends haha! When we sponge from the school, we do it collectively - that should be our motto I guess.

Its a classmate jokingly telling you that they have an announcement/advice to make to my friend and I: that this semester, they request that we take a break and stop working so damn hard and making them look bad. Which is ridiculous, as I told him so, stop pretending okay, you guys are equally as crazy lor.

But its also facing the relative silence from your teacher when its your turn for your work to be critiqued, which is terrible of course because it means she thinks its boring. Then you struggle with thinking maybe its a) just a conflict in design direction or, b)deciding that my resistance and self-justification against her critique (or non-critique lol) might be gasp, arrogance.

Its also finally being more awake and caffeinated in the second half of your Western Film History lecture and suddenly while watching documentaries on the beginnings of the Hollywood studios, you really do feel the excitement and magic of film-making. My appreciation for film is still somewhat voyeuristic and definitely tinged by a permanent(?) stranger from the outside world perspective, but film is such a fascinating world on its own!

From this class, I watched a bloody 3 hour long silent movie that is said to be the first blockbuster ever (D.W Griffith's Intolerance), and surprised myself by actually liking it and being eventually quite emotionally connected to it. Then I learned that the same director did Birth of a Nation, which, while being a cinematic milestone, was an explicitly racist movie that revolved around the Ku Klux Klan saving the world! How is it that a director who can make a lovely film about LOVE also be the bigoted freak?

Its a strange world. Because this same fella, was also one of the founders of a minor* Hollywood production studio, United Artists. And the aim of United Artists was pretty noble: to return film-making from the clutches of evil commercial-minded producers, to the artists! Which is a cool notion, although I'm not too sure to what extent they managed to implement this.

*minor: Minor not in the sense that they were financially small, just that unlike the major production studios (e.g Paramount), they did not own any cinemas (yet) and were therefore, unable to control the exhibition of the films they produced. The major studios were totally vertically intergrated and controlled all three aspects of film production: production, distribution and exhibition.

The major studios also had this sly practice of forcing cinemas to purchase films in packages that maybe included one fantastic movie along with four clunkers. I honestly thought they still did this, which WOULD explain the crap that fills the cinemas sometimes, but uh apparently not! The practice was outlawed in the 1940s.

Wow see I learned a lot today.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Well if nothing else is to come out from this, at least you've provoked a rather creative bout from me so um, thank you I guess haha. It is quite something, first poem thing in years ha. Sometimes I feel pretty iffy exploiting my own emotions for creative output/benefit, but I suppose that is the whole deal-io.

I carry my affection
for you as a pebble
in my chest.

At times, it slips through the gaps
Between my ribs,
Catching light, smooth and warm in
The sun – I let it linger in my mouth,
Before swallowing it down.

It nestles in my heart, silent
and lukewarm.

I’d slip my hands into your ribs,
Seeking to grasp the pebble I know you keep,
So well.

I would if I could!

Where is it? Does it lie hot
Under your clavicle?
Beat against your sternum?
There it is!
Smothered under your diaphragm.

One day, my pebble will
Melt into a soft spot and then, and then,
Evaporate! Into the arid air.

Then! We will be friends
And nothing more.

Saturday, January 03, 2009


Right, right, time to get a grip.

Hey how about some Egon Schiele? There's a delicacy behind the rawness and brutality that seems relevant my life-mood in general. Life-mood? You know, that constant nugget of ache or feeling or tone of pensiveness that accompanies you in your chest when you're doing nothing, something or anything in particular.

What about a poem?

The mint bed is in
bloom: lavender haze
day. The grass is
more than green and
throws up sharp and
cutting lights to
slice through the
plane tree leaves. And
on the cloudless blue
I scribble your name.
Sunday; James Schuyler

It (the poem, not the naked lady) reminds me a lot of gorgeous sunlit days in campus when I troop out from the computer labs and have a jaunt up the hill for food! and snacks! and sometimes, thoughts of you! Who? No, no one in particular.

Oh let's be honest now, how about this one?

I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to trouch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
Yearn On; Katie Donovan

Not all the lines apply, but enough do.

I'm feeling erratic, only because I came to a very wrong revelation on the first day of the year. Talk about taking several steps back, and not even a step back into 2008! At least last year, I didn't have this unfortunate edge of self-awareness. It all makes sense now, although it scarcely leaves me in a better situation. Fact is, I - 


Bits from a graphic novella. Country singers write wailing love songs, I give boys their own graphic novella man. No, I don't know how to end it yet.