Friday, April 30, 2004

i declare today Second Childhood and Skater-Poser Day

this is what happens when you have 4 girls with pent up post exam tension=INSANITY . . .

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
oh oh oh! you shud have followed us to JP!!! =D

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
what happened?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
it was the funnest! we ransacked toy r us!! we were reliving our second childhood! me nad gennie and ui

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
we pranced around shouting out the nursery rhymes! and and and, i grabbed a skateboard with nad and we were scooting along

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
skateboard? lol kiddie skateboard or real one?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
being all pseudo skater

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
real one lah! cheap0 but real enuff ~ what made it even funNER was how me and nad did the Sneaking Around routine accompanied by Nervous Twitches and Glances and Dashing Around Corners =D

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
toy r us got sell meh?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
then we were singing avril lavigne and yeu ai fell flat on her butt

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
wmahahhahahahhahahhahahha. she was playing with it?

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
but they got bored cuz the 2 of us were more into it and could actually scoot around without um, wobbling too much so they went to play with the ponies on the sticks that you ride on and yeu ai put on those kiddie pink HELLO KITTY backpacks

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
oh yeah

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:
poo-ey. dang. i wished i was there.

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
after awhile, one of the staff approached us and we reluctantly gave them back the boards, grinned and dashed off *beams*

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
ooh and then we went to the weaponry area with all the fake swords and bows etc and we were all "aye! hand me thy gold you scurvy faggot! *poke poke*" and nadya went "behold! i am aragorn!"

|~*ZzZzZ ^gER¤~| :: i may have made it rain~please forgive me~my weakness caused you pain~and this song's my sorry :: says:

Chairman Mao says "If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it." // incessant mooing// says:
and then I went "ur NOT aragorn. ur gimli the dwaf nadya" and she started stomping in a really dwarfish way which was even more hilarious. and we all got knighted with the gold tacky plastic sword and i was brandishing my sword of salazar slytherin and quoting draco veritas then me and nadya got hold of the bow and arrow and i was "look at me! i'm blonde, pretty and vaine! i'm legolas!"

it was MUCHOS MUCHOS MUCHOS funnnnnnn!! gawd, i must must must do this with my fellow madCAPpers soon! do ye hear me fellow comrades???i was raving on and on about it after i left and i got tired of repeating so hence, the above excerpt *beams* it was funner there though. skating among the narrow aisles of Barbie's Pink aura and random plastic imitations of lethal weapons. damn, i wish we had a digi cam with us. or even BETTER, a camcorder.

#EDIT: re-reading it now, it sounds relatively tame but really, it was thrice as loud and mad with loads of dashing around *happyhappyhappy*

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

i didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away

for some reason [ie. impulsive-osity], i bought robbie william's first album. the title above is a line from one of his songs.
it's so much better than his future crap like Rock DJ.
i realize that this year, i've been having alot of..unwanted epiphanies. i suppose everyone grows through them - wish i could do without them.

i think, it is better and healthier for me to admit that i've been growing apart with my best friend and i know it's probably, a lot my fault. hence, my resentment towards it isnt fair at all is it?

and i should probably do something about it. but i don't know what to do.
i never know anything anymore.
there's alot more stuff simmering but yeah, well.
don't you just hate days when you think thinngs are all going to turn out fine so you're happyhappy but things don't turn out that way and so you try to pretend that it's still hapyhappy but it's not so you fail horribly and that would make the second failure of the day?

woah. that's a long sentence.

must not be self-indulgent and wallow more in self-pity than i already am in.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


i wanted to blog on the complete fun-osity that i had with my friends on Saturday night yesterday but the Emotion of Euphoria that it caused has since dissipated.

*weeps in a corner*

it's back to reality. i woke up on sunday morning not sure whether the last night actually happened. this happens a lot to me actually - sometimes, esp when i'm still groggy from sleep, i can confuse what actually had happened and what i actually dreamed because my dreams are really [and at times, uncomfortbly] to close to reality.

it was such a Bimbo Night! complete self-indulgence. everybody looked so gorgey. it was so giddy.

the reason why i didn't apply fpr councillorship was cuz i couldn't think of a credible reason WHY i wanted to be one. and now i'm facing the same question again because my mum isnt exactly enthusiastic about me helping out for CAP04 as alumni. bleh.
stress often leads me to being in denial.

absolute proof would be teachers/parents/Authoritarian Figures asking me how i'm doing in [fill in here] and i will beam and nod enthusiastically nod saying "fine, fine! i've got it all planned out and under control. i know what i'm doing, don't you worry." when actually, i really have no clue and am screaming because of whatever angsty burned that's piling on me.

the bad thing is, i'm actually quite convincing at it. i'll pull of the whole facade only for it to crack when it's conveniently, too late. then you'll see me all stoned and glazed-eyed.


it's really quite a self-destructive path.
sometimes i think i talk too much.

do i?
i suppose it can really be an annoying habit.

i notice that all the girls who are successfully attached are the sweet and quiet ones. yadda yadda yadda, what does this prove?

but i don't think i can ever bear shutting up. what really is the point?
i still cannot stand Tata Young and i find it appalling as well that people msg during American Idol saying how John Stevens is boring and he makes them sleep. again, this proves that a good portion of teenagers here have NO taste in music since they prefer *gags* tata young and the maunfactured predictability of taiwanese boybands.

it is absolutely shameful.

tata young! really!
words of the day: dwall. south african origin, it means daze
vacuity lack of intelligence

Sunday, April 18, 2004


i have much much to blog but can't because i've been summoned to my room to Straighten Things Up.

why is this annoying other than for obvious reasons?

because it was my MOTHER who messed it up. no, she did not just experience a second childhood and trashed my room. she, all wel-meaning, shifted my desk to allow it to escape the pee of my incontinent air-con in the sooner or later event that it decides to drown my notes and books.
this is all very nice of her except for the fact that my room looks smaller than ever and its MESSY. my stuff is everywhere! and who's fault is it? well, for the sake of being a Good Daughter, i'll blame the air-con. it has recently been neater than usual but has now settled back into it usual decor style of Eclectic Clutter. pfft!

it is Fate. my room can never be truly neat. it is against the rules of nature.

word of the day: flibbertigibbet - a flightly and gossipy female.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

an unexpectedly fun day.

first a note: reading my posts, i realize i have horrid grammar. tsk tsk. i type to fast for the grammar sectionof my brain to catch up. so i plead with you 0 Readers, thou shalt not judge me by my grammatical errors.

merf, it's half as fun blogging about Sport's Day after already talking bout it on madCAP. oh well, in typical self-indulgent fashion, i will elaborate. it was quite embarassing at first because i'm not bery loud so people turned their heads to hear me but all they saw was my mouth moving and no sound. and they weren't very enthusiastic about it either.
but things got better - my friend saw my efforts and pitched in and finally took over when i gave up after awhile. he was really good. and louder lol.
i suppose what really motivated us into cheering was how some "miracles" happened. like doing the relay when we were trailing at the back when he passed the baton and the next guy just SHOT OFF. like, zoooooom into the first place. we ended up second though.
another motivation: heheh, a "certain male someone" was running. what?? i cannot deny that i am a hormonally-charged adolescent! and besides, i KNOW what's underneath that shirt *beams*
oh welly well.
it was exhilarating hearing the crowd shouting and screaming and standing and bouncing because you asked them to. like, woah.
i am such an exhibitionistic attention-seeker but at moments like this, i don't care!
we screamed til our throats were hoarse and when we tried to do our effectively loud, patented Girl Shriek, all that came out was this whispery thing that sounded like a person who sucked in helium was being strangled.
it was fantastic.
sweaty and sticky but amazing nonetheless knowing that our efforts contributed to the winning of the tacky "gold"-gilded plastic junkpiece.

i feel all warm and fuzzy.

and the mood carried on till later. we hopped into mr.cheong's car cuz he was feerying us to the school cuz we wanted to spend the afternoon in the art room. it was so FUN driving past the other students gawking at us, wahahahaha. it was so funny, some chased after us and did the typical "wah lao, unfair sia!" act. not that we tried to keep a low-profile *eville grin* it's so fun 'innocently' mocking others.

heh, and the skule was nice and empty other than the band. so that meant the carpark roads were empty as well. *beams* the three of us ran down the road screaming our heads off and waving our arms in the air ala mass hysteria. i've always wanted to do that. one day, SOON i hope, i'm gonna find fellow compatriots and do that at orchard. any takers? =D

we blasted music in the art room and happily, they were playing good music in the art room. it was such a party mood - the bunch of us jumping and dancing pif you can call it that] and leaping and twirling around when the band started playing while weilding charcoal sticks/brushes/pencils

happy happy happy.

i wish i had more days like this.

and mr.cheong stepped on a mouse. or kicked. we don't know, we couldn't tell. one moment it was doing mousey stuff in this corner and the next, it was lying side-ways dead. he was quite horrified. i prodded it with a was quite flat. so definitely some physical injury.

and it was quite cute too.

rest in peace 0 random unknown mouse.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004


i'm currently reading this chunk of a book on philosophy. i'm not quite sure why i picked it up but i suppose i was bored with reading fiction and i haven't been able to find any good suspense/crime authors recently SO.
anyway, it's called Confessions of a Philosopher. i thought it would be a good start in case i do get seriously interested in philosophy since it covers general concepts of philosophy itself, the philosophers who helped the author form his ideas and own concept etc.
i found it a rather challenging but satisying read. i would read the first few pages of each chapter, so absolutely absorbed and at times, in awe and then halfway through the chapter, the words in Times New Roman would start blurring and my brain would stop receiving the ideas that's being conveyed.


after awhile, my brain just STOPS receiving. usually at this point, i fall asleep. i suppose for me, when i'm reading something as deep as philosophy, i cannot consume the entire hunk of information at one go. i'm better off reading small chunks and putting it away to digest the ideas and come up with my own opinions etc.
which was probably why i was rather quiet during our "intelligent conversation" at starbuck with the CAPpers. i was busy listening and combing through what bern was saying and hence, mind could not come up with own opinions because it was too busy dissecting what SHE was saying lol. which was also why, it was only hours after i analysed the whole thingy that i came up with my own opinions. which is also why, i can never be a debater.
i had a nice laugh with my friends after school today.

haven't had one in a long time really. laughing at comical instances that would otherwise on other occasions, make no sense at all let alone, be funny.

so fast-forward moments of laughter and not-so-great food. we were going out of the "restaurant" when this guy went up to my friend and asked her for her number.

i was quite surprised at this because i've always considered the other two faaar prettier than she is. not in a bitchy way, but from an objective perspective. it's not that SHE'S ugly, it's just that..she looks like a typical pretty, slightly lian-ish chinese girl. as compared to my other friends, who were in my opinion gorgeous because their unique prettiness.
i suppose the two guys never realized how pretty my other friends were because their looks are the kind that grows on you and when you look again, you realize - woah.
so is that what guys want? the /normal/ ones? i think they do.
huh. and don't for a second think i'm "jealous" at the lack of attention. i hardly ever get asked for my number by guys because a] i'm malay and b] i don't behave like one. so i kinda am lost in-between. i got over it a long time ago.

*merf. i just saw my friend's MSN nick. their preparing for their band com this saturday and it said how sometimes, she sees their Sir staring quietly at the empty field. and she says it as if it's a profound thing. erm, hello? he's just contemplating OMG, WILL OUR BAND FINALLY ACHIEVE BEST BAND AFTER DECADES OF DEFEAT? *sighs*
SPAM AHEAD: more during Lit class.

oh gawd, the air-con isn't working properly. soon, it's going to be rather stuffy in here. but on the other and better hand, we've got new computers! hah, say GOODBYE jammed mouses and slow processors. hello....weird keyboard that i find hard to type with. meh. [the website i'm supposed to be at instead of blogging. oh well]
more websites:

"the heaven rains odours upon you." or something like that.

i have a feeling that this is going to be another rambling entry with no point whatsoever. i hereby would like to to apolagize for spamming.
blogging is really a rather self-indulgent activity isn't it? especially now that a few people actually do read the entries compared to my old blog that had no audience at all.

oh oh oh, we had english lesson earlier on and were doing this composition time practice. at first i was quite unhappy that we /had/ to do a descriptive cuz it's not very fun for me most of the time but than i started getting into it and it got really really fun. well, it was for me, i managed to write 3 pages without leaving lines which is quite a feat for me considering recently slow pace when doing work.
you know why i enjoyed it so much? it reminded me strongly of the writing workshop with Meira Chand[?] during CAP. i loved that workshop. although we didn't really learn much, it was fantastic because of the energy that was in the air as the bunch of us furiously wrote and passed the prose pieces around only to gasp at how the story had evolved in the hands [or pen really] of others. *sighs* i miss CAP. it was amazing. the synergy. something like that.

although i was rather annoyed by the people who kept interrupting me with their questions and "iz, lemme your dictionary!". augh!

you keep a dictionary in school?, you ask. yes i do. it is my source of entertainment during boring english lessons. it is muchos fun flipping it to a random page and randomly pointing to an obscure word.
they should sell it at Toys R' Us. repackage it in bright plastic and glitter.

doesnt sound fun? well, that's how boring english lessons are.

i realize that i'm hardly being decently eloquent and that this happens usually after school. SO WHAT DOES THIS PROVE? that school brainwashes me.

Monday, April 12, 2004

the big Carrot.

my dad's just offered me something in return of 4 A1s and a >10-pointer.


merf, i would be able to get not one, but TWO ipods.


meh. i don't really think i can really, considering it now after the haze of eupohoria. geez. i was JUST writing the timeline for Russia till Lenin's death and i realized how much work i have cut out for me. pharque.
i mentally browsed through the chapters we've covered for history and found it mind-boggling. and /then/ i realized i had missed out on the Cold War and post-WW2! and, not considering the fact that we havent covered that mikhail guy and only are halfway-through post-Mao.


are you sure we've got to do both sec3+sec4 work for the mid-years??? i will die.

i was also writing out a study plan of some sort for individual subjects and the phases so to speak. and you know what? i ended up writing alot of "memorize!".
again, i have to remind myself that my four years here is not [cliche moment people!] a journey of learning to prepare myself for the challanges that i will face in life but of course, a process of memorization to prepare for the big moment of Regurgitation.


what was i thinking? i can't possibly get a 10-pointer! i don't think my brain can store that much information only to be retrieved within a short span of time and phrase it eloquently in an essay.


i'm sorry that i appear to be rambling? appear - wait, i AM rambling. i'm tired and not for a very good reason either. i am tired because no, i was not studying until my brains bled. hah, i even skipped my math time practice today to go *drumroll* shopping. if it helps, i wasn't the one shopping. i was merely the advisor and succeeded in finding for my friend the perfect skirt for her outfit for this saturday's school concert/performance thingy. oh yeah, she shoots! she SCORES!
no, it doesn't help does it?

i think i shall go away and find a hole to crawl in until the O's are over. i will then blame my months-long absence over my lack of a sense of direction. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. SUDDENLY, I WAS IN A HOLE AND I COULD NOT FIND MY WAY OUT.

ah, farewell.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

a short note.

ah. religion.

i think i didn't mention that tomorrow's Event happens to be kinda a religious one which is perhaps, a good deal why i am not very enthusiastic about.

i much confooosion about my religion. i truly and will always believe in God and the prophet so i don't think i need to question the strenght of my faith. wait - actually, i think i need to. i think i've been needing to for a long time but always avoided doing so because well, i'm afraid of the answer that i might come up with.

i'm afraid that by questioning myself to much, i might come to a conclusion that i don't /want/ to have.

you see, being a muslim, i was BORN into the religion. i didn't choose to be [sudd. realized my mudder wud muchos be not happy is she sees this post], it was integrated into my life without much protest. it was expected of me to go along with it and yes, i DO believe in the concept of islam. it's just that...there are times i question and beg to differ with a lot of other stuff that is part of my religious classes and this is bad because the environment i'm in frowns upon disagreement. to disagree would be coming close to rejecting islam and hence, god.
but that's not what i'm doing or want to do.

one strong point i've always disagreed about is studying the hadith which is the Prophet's sayings. he himself in his life, has always reminded everyone else that he is a mere human and should not be glorified and yet, now we're memorizing his quotes? geez. AND how..credible can this quotes be? it could esily be hear-say couldn't it? and clerics make rules according to what they infer from these quotes. isn't it oh-so-possible that their inferences could be well, wrong? and that anyway, the quotes were made EONS ago and would it still be relevent today?

and the tudung. weekly on sunday, i put it on to go to my classes. but i've never felt good about putting it on. no, it's not about the "isn't it stuffy and uncomfortable?". it's the concept. i don't believe/agree right now with the idea of wearing one although the philosophy for wearing one i think is sensible and quite noble. the main point is, I don't want to wear one and yet, i put it on. first of all, i feel like a hypocrite and second, i feel like i'm making a mockery of the whole thing because while i'm wearing it, all i think about is "why am i doing this? i don't want to.".

the whole idea of 'forcing' religion upon someone...really puts me off. it sickens me to know that in religious classes and church, there are people who are there although they don't want to and that they are rejecting every second of godliness for the simplae fact that it was forced on them.

religion shouldn't be like that.

it should be something and somewhere you choose to be. that is what it's all about isn't it? finding salvation after searching. not having a religion because you're supposed to.

like i've said before, these days, i'm never sure about anything anymore.
my hands smell of garlic. yeech.

meh. in about two hours or so, my fudder dearest will be unplugging the computer and shoving it in some corner for tomorrow's Event. *sighs*
he's the one organizing and being all enthusiastic about tomorrow. i think to him, it's some nice project. i don't think he gets that the rest of us could /really/ do without it.
another topic that came up yesterday while we were talking was normalcy.

do you consider yourself normal? i suppose before answering that, we'll have to define what you consider normal. to me, normal is whatever the majority is, so if your the minority, you're NOT normal. does that make sense?
but then, bern also said that everybody is different and since everybody is different, then it would be normal to be different. and that too, makes sense.

so even within the majority, people are still different and hence, not normal. huh. but if their different, then what is it that binds them into becoming prt of the majority?

ah. conforming i suppose. by stifling and toning down your own personal eccentricities, one becomes more or less, similar to one another and therefor, normal.

but i don't want to be normal. unfortunately, i think i am.

philosophy. bah, humbug.
i've realized after much observation that those who usually have a good [read; higher than average] self-esteem fall deeper when they do get depressed. it's that and/or their confidence was simply a facade.
compared to those who don't really hold themselves in high esteem, they fall less when they do get depressed. their emotional plunge is less steep.


Friday, April 09, 2004

so..what problems do you have?

this question popped up while we were just sitting at starbucks with my CAP friends. and it unexpectedly left me [and i think most of us] quite stumped.

i thought of a few and it all sounded so trivial that i wisely decided to keep them to myself. you know, typical teenage angst.

i suppose this is a good way to un-depress myself when the need arises. i shall ask myself, "so iz..what are your problems?". i will then talk to myself and i will realize that i am being petty and should be a better person and remember how much more people are suffering out there and then i shall feel guilty for being so self-centered etc and will then, hate myself.

hmm. so scrap that idea.

problems..problems. i think i'm better at listing out my flaws.

-my perfectionistic trait.
this is usually a good thing in most people but it's rather destructive for me. why? because a LOT of times, i am simply lazy and yet, i still get kinda upset when i flunk etc.
and also because i am a perfectionist at times, i can get pretty bossy when doing projects and friends usually avoid me because of this. so recently, i've avoided being the "leader" and let my friends take the steering wheel which i realize now, is quite torturous. i do NOT like being the one being delegated tasks. i do NOT like having to go along with an idea i dont particularly like since not being leader, i am less able to convince people to see my point of view. i like to delegate, to come up with the general concept and to see how with everybody's work, it gets refined into the end product. i much prefer co-ordinating and seeing how from nothing, it becomes SOMETHING because of our hard work.
AND. being a perfectionist means i find it hard to be criticized, pointing out the imperfections of my work. i KNOW it's imperfect and i'm unhappy that it is so and for others to point it out as well, makes me feel even worse. even though i know it's important and oh-so-constructive and yadda yadda yadda. i force myself to be put in a position to be criticized because well, it improves your work but trust me, i hate hearing every single syllable of it. but i need it SO.

this nicely co-incides with the above. not healthy, a complete waste of time and sometimes because of my dwelling habits, i fall into the deep end so to speak.

at school, a lot of people have the misconception that im snobby because of this. they see me being crazy and friendly with my best buds but totally ignoring others. it's not that i don't like them, but i dont find the experience ugh, i don't know how to explain. i'm just not the kind to strike a conversation out of nowhere even if i've been in your lit class for 2 years. i just can't make myself do it, i find it awkward.

are these considered problems?

i suppose i'm quite happy at school. i'm taking all the subjects i like and not taking the ones i can /never/ take without losing my sanity[geog/amath/physics]. i have all the friends i need. i'm not popular and not high up on the social ladder but im pretty sure im not a wallflower. my grades are not scraping the bottom of the barrel and though their not great, i know it's cuz i dont work hard enough. nobody has a particular hatred for me. i've learnt how to ignore all those bitchy cliques and just get along with life.

home life is pretty fine too. sure, the common friction with the Parental Authorities but nothing to kill myself over. my parents don't hate me and they certainly care about me *phew*. and my mudder is pretty tolerant of my crazy antics *PHEW*. she understands why i get into trouble at school and is pretty sympatathic as well.

geez, it sounds almost perfect doesnt it? i know people who are going through heavy stuff like ostracization [cant spell. sorry], bullying, and Wallflower-itis at school and even worse stuff at home like abuse, neglect or just complete arseholic parents. i feel guilty.

for being fine and all. and yet, still i get depressed.
*slaps herself*
LIKE GEEZ, I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. gawd, i am such a loser. i should get a grip and stop being so self-indulgent and immature.
oh gawd.
please, the next time i go into my Dark Corner, please grab me by the collar and give me a tight slap. i might just kill you as a result though. just a warning.

i think generally, we were muchos annoyed by the fact that we didn't get to watch the movie we wanted, let alone sneak into The Passion. like, bummer.
so we watched Twisted. a movie i didn't even KNOW was showing. geez. it was pretty good i think but the start of it was horrid. it was all disjointed and didnt make much sense. and it didn't help that we missed the first 10 minutes or so. and i got "please shut up!"ed at. oops. but i/we just had a LOT to say. i'm sorry Singapore Audience, but there's always a commentary going on in my head and when with company, i automatically share this commentary. i know it's an annoying trait but oh well. i'm just not a very quiet person.


um um what happened next? ah yes, we went kino. matthew was mean to me. AND just as i decided that i shall be a Nice Person to him because my best friend says he's a Nice Person so i should not be sarcastic and tease him anymore since he is my Friend. after today, i henceforth shall revert to my old self and mercilessly taunt him because hah, he does the same thing to me. it's a strange friendship.
and i felt thoroughly lost at kino, specifically when we were wandering at the poetry section. it really just hammered in how un-cultured i am. gawd. i recognized the poets but urgh.

yadda yadda yadda, we went to starbucks. yum mocha frapp. felt really bad when i had to leave. i honestly had to tear myself away from the conversation. how very the annoying.
grk. i have to go and sleep early. because my parents want me to. my mudder just told me to "go to bed early". augh augh augh. must NOT think about it. ai-yeeeeeeee!!
i wonder if you guys know what i'm so horrified about

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

You’re a good girl, ‘though I stink of fat
I need this, I need him, I need her,
I need everybody.


But you’re my best friend, you slide beneath my shadow
Skin you’re my good friend, the only one I would ever truly leave

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine right
As all of us depend on love from those above
That comfort, the comfort of strangers

I love you
Way too much Way too much
Way too much
I can wallow in your reckless recklessness
slave to all things useful to you

You are a dream to me I can’t recall your name
your face
your smell
your taste
your mouth

I was kinder then, but not now.

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine right
As all of us depend on love from those above
That’s comfort, the comfort of strangers

I say, I don’t want to hurt you, but really I do
I want to caress you like no girl before then leave you cold
Hey you listen
I said that I loved you and really I meant it, too
I tried to keep some semblance of feeling,
trapped beneath this dizzy work of art

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine bright
As all of us depend on love from those above
That comfort, the comfort of strangers

You are a dream to me
You You You are
I don’t want to hurt you
No I don’t want to hurt you
But I don’t want to hurt you
I said I love you
I… I need the comfort of strangers

comfort of strangers; skin.

i love this song. it's got this jazzy edge to it and it sounds so goood. i've been looking for the lyrics for /ages/ and now, FINALLY. knowing the lyrics, i love it even more.
go try download it! meh, my kazaa is spoiled because my ad-removal software did something diddly to it and i'm too lazy to re-install it.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

time for me to be shamelessly blatant


there you go. i am satiated. all day long, i've been smiling and beaming thanks at the birthday wishes when all i wanted to do was scream out that AIEEE, I'm SIXTEEN! except of course, nobody likes a little birthday bragger so hah!

siim ynn and heng pei, thank you very much for my first ever miniature Inflatable Toy Boy. i LOVE it - and so does my p6 sister. is that disturbing?
no, i do not mind that it is only 20''. unless of course you're implying that i am short and hence, the doll's height would suffice. but you two are very nice people and i'm pretty sure you don't.

thank you aini for the Meiji birthday bear thing. you have provided proof that Emily was made for me since co-incidentally my birthday bear is entirely in red and black ala emily. i can now tell all the other poseurs to bugger off, the arseholes that they are. =D

thank you gennie for your NEW n0 sugar-added chupa-chup. i know you wanted it for yourself but graciously sacrificed it to me. i am deeply touched.

thank you all for the pledges of belated presents. i shall graciously wait in silence and will graciously forget if you conveniently forget as well.
thank you for the numerous butt pinches and wet smacks you gave me - i know you all take great joy in seeing my ears turn pink. *rolls eyes* oh the torment i go through just for your sake, tsk.

thank you CHARMAINE, my bestest best friend, my Lesbian Lover. my birthday wouldnt be the same without you. i am Timon, you are Pumbaa. i am SpongeBob and you, are Patrick Star.

*sniffles* i love you all.

and of couse, i thank myself and the present i got myself. dammit iz, that is one NICE bag you bought! lol. kidding~
well, it is though!
is there something wrong with my tagboard? i have a feeling there's something off with the coding cuz it's not loading properly.

i hate twiddling with my lay-outs to get rid of this glitches.

honestly, i've never EVER had any problem like shifted pictures or weird tables with my red Emily lay-out. tsk tsk, what /does/ this prove?
warning: the next passage will be rather cryptic and the subject it's aimed at doesn't even read my blog but oh well. i apologize in advance if it happens to befuddle and annoy the hell out of you.

i think at times, that given the right oppurtunity - i might be able to do it. right now, it feels as if i am already half-way there. but i've never allowed myself to do so before and perhaps, because i never found anyone to feel that way about before.
but now i have. and yet, still.
this is restraint at my very best. it's probably the only aspect in my life that this trait comes into place and ironically here, it does more harm than good. i hold myself back because i am not sure. as usual. i am afraid, worried. a million thoughts cross my mind, fleeting ones and others that play on loop.
i would rather you not know this side of me.
wouldn't you like to know my greatest fear?
people say i could be wrong, that my fears have no basis and that you are what i want you to be and how you feel. i suppose logically, theoretically, they could be right.
but you see, i know better - i know how my life goes and you being how i want you to be just does not follow the flow of how events play out in my life.
my life is hardly one of fairytale happy endings. i hardly ever get what i want which is, in this case, you.
now did i just say that? please ignore it's significance. it is not the most important thing that i have to say.
mine is one of unrequited adoration and the receiving of affection from those i sadly cannot find within myself reciprocation. misfired arrows from a drunken cupid.
this is not to say i live a life of misery, i am happy merely talking to you i suppose. it's just that, i never get happy endings and i'm not expecting any. from this situation, or anything else life throws at me.

so yeah, convoluted, this is how i feel.

not that you asked or want to know [you don't even know], but here it is. right here on the world wide web for everyone to see and yet ironically, i know you won't. which is why it is here really.

Monday, April 05, 2004

just a bit of blabbering.

new layout. i still like my red emily one but i like this one for it's zen-ness? whatever. i'm in a state of complete blurness. i just woke up from a nap and let's just say my neurons aren't exactly at it's sharpest point right now. i have to go "research" for my CME project; Marriage and Parenthood.

what a complete bummer. i suppose i'm kinda disappointed with what we're doing [it's a team thingy] because i had this idea to do something more..radical but because it's now a last minute thingy, we're doing the oh so typical and boring powerpoint presentation. merph. *sighs* but oh well, i shall do my part as a team member - augh.
today was the 5 item NAPFA. if any of you remember [which i really doubt], i have been for the past few weeks been praying for some sort of minor injury to get excused from it. well, i got my wish!
yesterday, i fell into a longkang.

yes, a longkang. the knee-high ones that line HDB estates for drainage etc. it was raining REALLY hard and i was at the carpark picking up my aunty with an umbrella. i tried to avoid the puddle of water on this patch of grass, mis-stepped and plonked my leg right into the longkang. *ouch*
and NOW i have to re-take it on wednesday. i'm glad it's not 2ml though, i'm not comfortable with some people in the classes taking it 2ml.
so today, i was the class's personal cheerleader - rah! rah! it was quite fun actually.

i'm not looking forward to wednesday.
i'm getting /somewhere/ on my art!


i've finished 2 prelim study boards which leave me...a whopping 6 more to do. and my final piece isn't even halfway done. diediedie

and my exams start in 2 weeks. really, i've got all the pieces placed in perfect co-ordination for a nervy breakdown.
ooh, i managed to catch Fight Club yesterday.

augh i LOVED it! other than the complete Sex Godliness of brad pitt all bruised up, the plot the directing the cinematography was a-mazing!

the mantras and philosophies - so morbidly zen.
"you are not a pretty snowflake." it sounded so familiar and i realized that it was a quote from draco sinister [cassandra claire] except draco went "i AM a pretty snowflake!"

the movie was beautiful. my mother was abit disturbed abt how i was raving and raving about it. i told to her finally accept the fact that her daughter is in fact, morbid and revels in the weird and strange.
she just shook her head. i get the feeling she can't wait to see me out of my adolescent phase and into the Sensible Adult stage.

i wished i had managed to catch the flick earlier but it must have been rated NC or something. ergh, that means the one i watched yesterday was heavily cut up by the censors *sighs*

oh and i found it hilarious by the fact that the character Marla, this goth-chick, was played by the same actress who plays Lady Olivia in the movie Twelfth Night i watched in school! she is so friggin' talented! [duh]
all through her scenes, i kept on flashback-ing of her in corsetted dresses and tumbling curls instead of the frizzed punk 'do she was wearing in Fight Club. and there was this one part when the lead guy was walking away from her just like the way Cesario/Viola walked away from Olivia, i was almost expecting her to suddenly go Wait! Tell me what dost thou think of me? in her desperate "OMG, i worship the ground you walk on! i want to have your kids!" way.

just wow.

i HAVE to get my hands on the book.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Singapore Chinese Girls' school

which secondary school (singapore) should you be in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, April 02, 2004


i strangely find it a scary age. it's not another "nothing"/"nobody" age like 14 or 11. it's a definitive number and a huge part of me doesnt want to turn definitive. i like being 15.

i like roaming aimlessly around.

it's like when ppl do the lecture thing and ask you "how can you behave like this? don't you know how old you are?", answering that you're only 15 makes sense because well hey, you're still childish and it's ok.
but if you answer 16, what you get instead is rolled eyes and a general consensus that you should grow up and stop the immaturity. because you are a proper teenager and part of being one is actively trying to grow up and away from one.

at least, that's the message i've been getting.

it's the age when actual responsibility is handled. life-changing events are happening here. honestly i think its NUTS. why the hell are they giving us serious things to think about and to actually DECIDE on like whether you want to pass your 'O' [hah! yeah right.], jc/poly/overseas which of course means you have to decide NOW what you're planning to do 10 years from now.

what are you people THINKING?? do you actually believe i'm in a state to contemplate life-changing issues now?


right now, i'm concerned over petty little stuff and THAT alone i'm capable of obsessing about. i'm a hormonally unstable, psychologically teetering adolescent who's not even sure she doing the right thing TODAY and you want me to make decisions that will affect my life 10 years from now?

the thing is, i don't want to make mistakes. i don't want to turn towards a fork in the road and realize much much later that frock, i did the wrong thing and i can't turn back and i'll have to go through whatever crappy thing that comes my way.

AND ALSO of course, i don't want to grow up.


i don't want to give up my excuse of Immaturity.
and in about 4 days or so, i think i'll have to start Growing Up.

urgh, bummer.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

when my alimentary canal decides to rebel.

i think i would have been better off born without the above-mentioned canal. no other part of my physical self [ok - except maybe my mouth] has caused me more trouble and trauma.

i hate gastric flu. it started halfway through school on tuesday but ddn give it much thought then because i thought it was just the stuffy hall that we were having the equally stuffy Councillor's Investiture in. i felt like crap but still i persisted in carrying out my day as planned instead of crawling back home to seek refuge because i had promised today would be my date with charmaine since we've hardly been able to spend time with each other *sniffles*. so we went for lunch [hah, with the abrupt addition of a certain somebody lol] and wandered around. oh, i went to one of the pillars and smushed my head against it in an effort to relieve my headache. it worked - for like 5 seconds. was it worth the stares of the shopkeeper? i think it was.

so i finally went home. and *drumroll* it started raining. my dearest mudder ordered me to take a shower which after much whining about how cold the water would be, i did.

was the water cold? let's see, i wasnt only shivering, my teeth weren't only chattering - i was hyperventilating. *glares at mother*

she refused to believe i was sick even though i came home withering like a wiliting [ie. decomposing] flower. she only came to the coclusion that OMG, he daughter WAS sick 3 hours later, several incresed degrees and frequent trips to the loo. AUGH.

but what-ever. i am still here at home. i've got 3 toilets here, all fully equipped with lots of tissue, hoses and reading material. it's everything that i would not be able to get at school.

i take comfort in the little things like watching the Oprah Show [surprisingly, i really like it!], Spongebob and several travel documentaries [2 of which were features on Japan] while my peers are toiling away in the boredom of english and biology lessons. like, whoo!
in the comfort of my home, i can look ugly and sloppy in my old clothes whereas at school, i'd still have to make sure my shirt was tucked in and all that sort of palaver.

so other than the painful cramps and the horrid bouts of nausea, it's all quite fun.

yeah, right.
but today's April's Fool. ergh, what a terrible waste. bummerbummerbummer.

as my mother would say - skoodee-dooda!

*on a brighter note, because of all the purging that's been done, my tummy is considerably flatter.
i'm still not sure what i've just gotten myself into be joining rmun. like, what was i thinking?? what if i screw up in front of not only other schools, but BIG schools.

right. i wasn't thinking.

breathe iz. breaaathe

*runs off in hysteria, conveniently in the direction of IMH*

oh gawd oh gawd, what was i thinking?? their all like, DEBATERS and I can't remember the last time i made a speech to a group of ppl other than my class. and it's so political - i feel absolutely clueless.
the only way i see for me to make through this is to bluff my way through and pretend i know what's going on.

yes. i'll just pretend! wahahahahaha. one thing i learned today on mtv. in hip-hop lingo, bootsie means phony. so i'll just be a bootsie and somehow, hope i wont mortally humiliate myself.