Thursday, April 28, 2005

oh my giddy god trousers.

it seems that everyone is collectively crash-and-burning. it is quite a strange phenomenon and also, quite interesting now that i'm outside looking in, and also, distracts me from the dreadful fact that i am one of them.

an onslaught of work, colliding deadlines, days that are paradoxically too long and too short and of course, the singaporean student's favourite: sleep deprivation.

and it's only april.

what are we to do? somebody better tell the moe about this sudden burst of student-fatigue, so they can send us for talks on Time Management, Balancing Work and Play, and Relieveing Stress that oh thank you god, we can sleep through.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

okay today i shall talk about something that does NOT revolve around my stolen handphone, or my momentarily empty stomach, or school-related angst. AND NO, AM NOT PROCRASTINATING. ahh what the hell-o, i cannot deny what is true but BUT, that is not the pointy-point here.

(on a side note: i don't think xiaxue is completely crud but you will never hear my say she is uh, absolutely deserving of the award she won either and bless my short-term memory and possible lack of interest, i can't remember what it was called. she CAN be astute under all the pink webspace and profanities. her ramblings are amoosing, at times. SO!)

i usually avoid discussions about my personal beliefs on religion because as most of you know, i cannot stand any kind of huge, dominating and sweeping organizations who basically the way i see it, dictate a person's life. understanding absolutely of course, that they usually do so with the "it's for your own good, kiddies. listen to me, or suffer in the afterlife", i still find trouble swallowing down what they say without any gristle, so to speak. i shut up about what i think because i don't want to offend people maybe, and ALSO, i think this is it: i don't want to bother provoking people with my opinions in a situation where it is impossible to agree - it is of no point, creating emotional stress and i have enough pimples thank you very much.

and then there is the whole saying it out loud will make my opinion undeniably mine, and there's still a part of me that worries that i metaphorically will be struck down by lightning.

sometimes, i wonder what it's like to be a convert. not the kind who convert because they want to marry but because they FEEL the calling, or what-not. i might envy them i think, because they'd have a certainty that i as of yet, have never felt. i was born into Islam, so it's been part of my life and honestly, i feel nothing. yes i have my faith in god but it's not exactly what you would call strong. being a muslim, it's like breathing air - i've been so accustomed to it that i can't feel it except for the fact that it's there.

it's an unintentionally apathetic state of being. i do realize that i *could* do something about it. revive my faith to searing and soaring heights but this is where my cynicism about large organizations kick in. i still wonder why i resent going to madrasah/religion classes so much.
a) because the textbooks we have are not only in malay, but also leave a lot to be desired when it comes to editing. i have no idea why they keep on repeating the points over and over and over again. one word: hypnopaedia
b) because my parents MAKE me go. in true adolescent fashion, of course i would resent this act of repressing my right to Fuh-reedom haha. i don't think i can accept this reason though because i know it's stupid because after all it is For My Own Good and sooner or later, i will become a good person as a result of all these weekly 3 hour sessions ahahaha.
c) maybe it's because i am so bad at it. the theoretical bits bore me to death, and sometimes hold such archaic schools of thought that it offends me. i cannot memorize the arabic verses because well. i am absolutely lost in the arab lessons i have no idea what is going on.
d) and i think this is it: my mindset is that the teachers i have, would never accept my opinions on controversial issues as what they are. i have a feeling that they would understandably, try to change it. and this annoys me.

there are so many laws in the system of islam and christianity that create so much debate because no one is sure how to interpret or apply it in today's world. like the punishment by stoning in islam legal system and how the laws are manipulated to benefit sexism. the catholic church who did not allow the 9-year old kid to have an abortion. how is it, that in a world that is in shades of gray, would it be logical to use a set of black-and-white rules to govern it? the FACT that religion is not a perfect system makes me distrust it. (note: the organized religion, NOT god.) can i believe what they say, and where they direct me when it is wholly possible that they might be wrong, and why can't i do what i want.

the obvious reason - and i hate answering my own questions - is that this would lead to complete anarchy and people will use their own interpretations for their own selfish uses, and so we are back to square one.

i don't believe in the conventional heaven and hell. not absolutely.

one, why would god, want to inflict eternal pain upon us. honestly, what does He gain from this? it won't make us better people since from what we've been told, the afterlife is The End. and come on, do you think that god, a higher being would resort to fire and physical tortures in the event that He wants to punish us? He created the UNIVERSE and manymanymany things that we still do not understand; give the guy some credit. fire and brimstone is so lame.

and a heaven that promises riches, nubile virgins, palaces and grapes draping from vines. i would expect that the people deserving of heaven, the people who have got There would have been enlightened enough to forgo all these materialistic possesions, no? it would be terribly sad to supposedly have reached the highest stage of personal evolution and still hold this things dear. i would think that heaven would be a place where we would just be simply happy, contented and complete. to be close to god, and be complete - now THAT'S something. and the day when that would be all that i want would be the day i turn into a meditating hermit garbed in thin cotton on a windy peak that would NOT be bukit timah. but it is true nontheless, nothingness is what counts.

WHICH brings me to the point that (i shall tread carefully here) organized religion is highly a human creation. i am NOT SAYING that humans created god, that is just stupid. but i DO think that all the fuss surrounding god, is a product of man. the conventional imagery of heaven and hell are such because we needed something to persuade ourselves to be Good People. that's why it's there, i don't see any reason. all the infuriating dogma and laws there because the people in the organizations are trying their darndest to lead their people as well as they can. it's not their fault i suppose when their well-meaning laws cause trouble instead but i STILL HATE it when their self-righteous.

why can't i just have god, and my conscience. i would like to do good things because i WANT to, not because i want to go to heaven. i would like to avoid doing bad things because i don't want to inflict harm on others. why is that not enough, and why do i still have to subscribe to a whole lot of debatable instructions of how to be a Good Person. if i make a mistake, as i'm sure i will, i will learn from it, and NOT repeat it for the reason that i don't want to. not because i don't want to go to hell.

which is why i think that buddhism (as what i know) as a philosophy is the way to go. it originated as a philosophy anyhoo. the concepts of karmic retribution is elementary and fair. the afterlife ends with nirvana, and not some fairytale story about paradise. it seems to be the most logical, and therefore, most applicable.

and yet, i still feel the need to end this post with a re-affirmation that i am a muslim, with my faith in god and the prophet still intact. but maybe, not anything else.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

things that i learn/am told never to do, but still end up doing anyway

- procrastinating

- lying

- spending too much munneh

- not sleeping enough

- reading past writings and worrying terribly about it.
apparently, CAP results are next week and oh so cleverly, in a moment of procrastination, i was fiddling with the junk on my desk and ended up flipping through the portfolio i spent. apart from the usual cringing and what-not, i was quite horrified at finding several grammar mistakes in this prose piece that i wrote in the middle of the night. i finished that piece, as the sun rose up. and aaand i am guessing, the sleep deprivation hangover lasted until the day i handed the portfolio in because in the many times that i read through it, i NEVER spotted it.

and i think i put that particular one first in the portfolios. *dies* gross grammatical errors. maybe i'm over-reacting, but i don't know how fussy this People are - DO YOU? no you don't.

here's a new addition to the above list: - being too paranoid and twitchy.

i would really really rather not go for the pre-u sem. CAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAP. maybe the People won't notice? *twitch* who are the people anyway! that's what i would want to know.

you know what this teacher of mine said to me? she told me that they had just pit me in the team of pre-u presenters, so i told her maybe she shouldn't because i'm still waiting for the CAP results, and if that gets through (pleasecrossesfingersplease), then i'd be pulling out of pre-u sem. and SHE went: "oh but from past experience, most applicants don't get through."

oh thank you, thank you very very much.

*and pass me your contact numbers via msn/e-mail people! its quite irksome when i on impulse, wish to call/message then realize that i can't because i'm not one of those fuh-reaks with the ability to memorize strings of seemingly random numbers. or you could leave it on my tagboard, but at the risk of attracting Annoying Stalkers of course. but then again, that could be something you might want to make your life uh, more interesting. who knows? i don't. GOODNIGHT AND GOODBYE - will go to sleep before i ramble myself off to sleep.

also! make sure you check out coraline by neil gaiman (yay zara). it is good.

also also! i have just racked up library fines on a book i borrowed, did not like, and didn't even finish. this dislike translated into procrastination, tardiness and cannot-be-bothered-ness. why do i keep doing this to myself. here's a good charity cause! The Pay Off Izyanti's Library Fines Fund - it even has a catchy last two words hoo. it's a finey-finey fine fund to contribute to kiddies, donate jeh-nerezzly so that she can continue scrounging for good books in the musty and smelly sock depths of the library. HAH new addition to the list: - paying library fines for books i did not like, and could not be bothered to finish.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

i cannot believe that i am so naive to be still in disbelief that my handphone got stolen.

there are many things wrong with me, in this sense. i came home straight and stoned in front of the tv for what, about 5 hours. there goes all the studying i did in the library haha. let's make a list, whee.

What's Wrong With Me

- how idiotic can i be to leave my handphone (in my pencil case) while i go to the loo for FIVE FRIGGIN MINUTES. i just needed to shit, and came back with my phone GONE. and it's not even a the newestest-new model. oh god i feel so stupid. the horrid thing of course, is that i completely deserve it. one, because i was dumb enough to let my guard down. listen kiddies, the LIBRARY is a dangerous dangerous place. two, it's karmic retribution! for being momentarily bitchy, and and not being a nice person, and i'm still not brave enough to declare to the whole online world why i am such an imperfect person. bring on the fire and brimstone.

- and yet, i cannot help but blame (a little) the people who were sitting JUST beside me. HOW COULD THEY NOT NOTICE SOMEONE DIPPING THEIR HANDS INTO MY PENCIL CASE, that's what i want to know. stupid ajc geeks engrossed in their c maths. and yes, that comment is absolutely uncalled for, and i really don't mean it just let me rant okay. and no, they weren't the ones who took it. the security guy checked them - and i felt so so so horrid for putting them through that. harmless group of fellow muggers. hah I kept apologizing through the whole thing, that's the irony.

- i hate the fact that i bear a significant portion of the blame.

- and me, being completely anal, i'll link a lot of seemingly random things to today's Incident. for example, i will never be able to wear the shirt i'm wearing, or listen to the thrill's Deckchairs and Cigarettes without linking it to today. i cannot help it, i am stupid.

- the stupidly ironic thing is that while walking to the lrt on th eway to the library, i realized i forgot to bring my handphone. and i actually paused, and dithered whether i should walk aaaaaaall the way back, in the drizzle, to get my phone. and i did, for the logical reason of staying contactable. see kiddies, this is a Lesson In Which Being Logical Does Not Pay. if i had not gone back, i wouldn't have had it with me during the short duration at the library and mother dearest would me mildly angry, but if i had gone back, like i did, then mother dearest would be very angry (as she is) and AND, my phone would be with me (as i wish it were).

- and i cannot help but think ridiculous thoughts like, "see i should have stayed home and slacked. this is all because you went out to STUDY - what does this mean? next time, just STAY HOME." and "who asked you to be so geekily enthusiastic, studying in APRIL, pre-emptively reviewing all the econs notes and what-shit. mugging is bad.", anything to avoid the fact that it's my fault. i was mugged while mugging! sorry, i know, tis lame. bear with me.

- i just really really want my phone back. i can't even think about getting a replacement because i am just so caught up in uh, grief. IT IS TRUE. i just want MY phone back. all the contacts, and the funny pictures and videos. all the ones with charmaine being vainpotty and chinese new year@cjc and My First Ever X-Country and the 100Plus Endorsement video and nyiaaargh.

i feel positively miserable.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

and so begins my life being seventeen. i now have a magazine dedicated especially to me and my age group (not that i'll patronize it hoohoo) and and, apparently will spend the whole 365 days being nothing short of sweet. well it is now the 7th, and so 364 days more to go! what is the point of being seventeen, that's what i want to know. i still "can't" watch M-18 movies, uh buy alcohol, uh go clubbing so what am i seventeen for.

firstest first, a thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you to everybody who made my birthday a better day than usual - this would mean tash zara steffi and the rest of 1t03 for the delish cake! am liking my kiwi bag and viridian jelly slippers muchos *smiles* also, the random calls and well-wishing from um jeanie amanda nadya desmond matthew. CHARMAINE LEE YUN HUA who called me in the early morn (something impossible, usually), whom i miss terribly. and everybody else! (because i may have forgotten AND because i'm feeling particularly magnanimous tonight ahaha)

so! a few surprises sprung up on me yesterday, of which i shall not elaborate here. but anyway, it will prove to be an interesting year - or so my die-hard (i would say desperate) optimist cries.

today, was out with siew ching for linner (lunch cum dinner!) and then we popped over to kino to check out literature guidebooks. to digress a little: oh the shame the shame! to have to depend on guide books but damn william blake makes me feel absolutely stupid. and the fact that the diction is so simple, it appears deceptively elementary which grk DOES NOT HELP. i go to school, and come home feeling stupid. something doesn't quite click here.

back to my pointy-point! so we were at kino's literature section when this oldish japanese man comes up to us and asks, "are you looking for a higher and deeper meaning to life?" which of course, left us puzzled bemused and at least on my part, wary. cheeky old men you know, hurhur. BUT, it turns out, that's he's a struggling writer, having written a couple of books - one having taken him 14 YEARS and basically, i think he is rather bitter because he cannot find a publisher.

ahh the trials and tribulations, we all suffer for our art. i don't know why either, but i AM being mildly sarcastic as i say this.

we had an amusing rant, the three of us, but it was mostly him talking. he's travelled alot, the most recent being europe. he sleeps in changi airport, stubbled, dishevelled, and ranting against the commercialism and rubbish found on the shelves of kinokuniya. it was interesting, and there were many points in which we agreed upon and sincerely, i sympathize the guy. but you know, for the most part, he amused me. i'm sorry siew ching, but he did.

his unfailing idealism and utter conviction of his talent. both, terribly admirable - it's quite difficult to stubbornly maintain your idealogies (an OLD MAN, i remind you) and well, being absolutely sure of your own competency, it's something that's quite remarkable. the thing is, both notions are so foolish.

he had a few copies of his work, which we browsed through. the 14 year-novel and a collection of haikus. it was pretty good, the haikus but nothing uh, absolutely profound and we could only flip throough the novel and all i managed to catch was a lot of dialogue. it was bare, very sparse but he did say he was more ernest hemingway but really, i couldn't catch any striking linguistic style or what-not. but you know how literature is - it only becomes that after you die (and yes, i did tell him this and haha he agreed.) what disturbed me was his conviction though, that he was convinced that what he has produced was a masterpiece and in his words, a diamond. the way i see it, writing is a continual process so the epitome of perfection cannot exist. it's always better being a self-critic than a self-appraiser, and so much more worse when you are so very convinced. but, i'm just a 17 year old, he was in his 50s - maybe he knows something i don't know.

among other things, he talked about the stupidity of capitalism and that he fully supports communism. personally, i think there is no way communism can successfully work as long as the most fundamental factor, that is, our basic human nature does not change. we will succumb to greed for wealth and power, and come to think of it now, it is strange that for a man who has been through so many rejections that stem from a form of greed (commercialism), that he still believes in inner human goodness.

he was truly, from what we saw, a caricature of the idealistic, struggling artist. i completely, thoroughly admire his drive and i suppose, courage, but at the same time, i want to tell him "wake up and smell the fertilizer", but i didn't have the heart to. because there's a degree of delusion in being so confident that your work is full-blown literature and because of the indulgent masochism of being the struggling artist. i should know; takes one to know one. i hope he will be okay, an incredible character to meet.

there's a reason idealism is called what it is. if idealism was a workable notion, it'll be pragmatism wouldn't it. it exists EXACTLY because it'll fail in application.

his name was hideo asanki.