constipated

no, i'm NOT talking about the state of my bowel system. it's fine, thank you very much.

i'm referring to how i feel when it comes to writing in malay. i suppose a lot of other non-mothr tongue oriented people feel this way too but hey, this blog isnt about them, it's about me lol.

my mudder dragged me off to sit in for this malay course alll the way on the far eastern side of Singapore, Kembangan. man, who LIVES there??
so anyway, they [notice i didnt say "we"] were doing letter-writing. whee, what fun. augh, so i was supposed to write, meaning my pen was supposed to be moving over the thin paper, forming MALAY words if not forming smooth and PROPER sentences.

but i couldn't.

it was like writing with a ball-point pen that had been dropped. the..sentences, let alone, passages refuse to flow. and yet, their somewhere in my mind. hiding, stuck. i feel constipated.

i feel stupid.

it's like, i can usually so effortlessly write but when put into a malay environment, my mind goes *kapoot*.

and malay is honestly a beautiful language. good malay poetry can so much more mellifluos than english poetry. hah, it'll be even more beautiful to me if i actually UNDERSTOOD it.
but i don't.

it's my language. i know all the technicalities of letter-writing etc but it's not gonnal help much if i can't even write will it?? and my vocab SUCKS.

and the thing is, the more i realize how incompetent i am, the longer i dwell on it - the more my hand is paralysed when it comes to writing. it becomes some sort of mental block. a barrier.

and my O's are in JULY. i am so dead.
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was at kino ystd with my mudder. she offered to get me something so i wandered over to the Emily stuff and you know what i realized? i couldn't bear to buy any of it. becaus eof i bought either of the two books, i'd pour over the amazing graphics, carefully flipping through. but that would be it.

if i got one of the GORGEY journals or the completely useless but BYOOTIFUL address book, i also wouldn't touch it because i wouldnt want to defile the pages with my writing. i would put in on my shelf. and stare and caress [uh, dodgy] for months before i finally pick up a pen. i'd probably hate myself as i write the first few words. and i'd feel a need to write something important, something worthwhile in it. not just inane, irrational ranting - which would probably end up with me and my pen hovering over the blank page for /ages/ contemplating what to write before giving up and lovingly putting it back on the shelf.

geez, i have issues.
but still, i wouldnt mind if anybody gets it for me. lol.
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random note: i was brushing my teeth when i realized that when i squint my eyes and grin reaalllly hard, i look like a hamster. or a chipmunk.

ooh.
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-- bimbo alert --

i need shoes. i'm not usually a shoe girl and only get them when i NEED them which is good i suppose. the bad thing in this current situation is that i feel the need for various types of shoes.

- i want something girly to wear with my jeans. not TOO feminine, and DEFINITELY not pink. something with kitten heels! quirky.

- boots. NOT thigh-high, heeled whore boots siak. i want them clunky and preferably black. since i seriously doubt i'd be getting the $500 pair i saw at suntec, i saw a rather nice pair at mango in collaboration with Gola. it's black suede i think with orange details. ..nice.

- sneakers! though if i get the above two, i'd probably forgo this one.

ooh, and i saw this really nice jacket at esprit yesterday. it's a on the rock, motorcycle-chick side but with a touch of femininity. it's black obviously. *sighs* i waaaaant.