When I think about, all the insecurities and neuroses that I neatly pack away and suppress within my 20 year old self were formed in my secondary school days. EVERYTHING.

Everything about my hair (length, texture oh god), height, weight, clothes, race, boys, everythingggggg!

The worst thing is that it all kind of revolves around one person, which makes working hard on this friendship difficult to say the least. Aside from the long neglect that we both are guilty off, there's this deep-seated resentment that I thought I had let go off, but sometimes, I suppose I haven't. It's nothing personal really, and its definitely my own issues.

Right, three more months before I hit 21 which being the arbitrary mark for adulthood, I might grow up by then! Wouldn't it be great though, if our maturity level was definitely tied to our biological age? That on the day that I officially cannot be called a teenager, all my juvenile issues dissipate into thin air!

Let's call a spade a spade hmm? I've never been the "hot" friend and yeah, this is still pretty much true in my current social circles, except that I'm not bothered by it any more. I think its kind of why my dressing sense is decidedly un-sexy. I don't feel that 'sexy' is any part of my identity lol, and it would just feel weird! I could and would carry off any look except you know, the whole slinky dress and heels deal. I can't see myself that way, and I have NEVER picked anything in that aesthetic when I go shopping. Maybe I find sexy boring, in the sense that it doesn't relate to me or my personality at all.

It's just that I'm seeing my friends around me all growing up and starting to look more...adult. Dude, my 16 year old sister just bought a very mature looking Aldo PURSE that while very nice, I wouldn't have picked at all. But urgh, the thought of wearing very nice, form-fitting jersey dresses from Victoria's Secret and tops with proper slacks and skirts - how dreary!

I want to be wearing funny shaped skirts and too many layers and things with crazy pleats and pairing amazingly sleek outfits with scruffy $8 sneakers forever! Not very sexy la, but you know, it's me at least.