downdowndown

the rain is bringing me down.
today was downdowndown.
i was snarly and sarcastic the whole day and when i wasn't, i was either silent and listless [as my friend so cheerfully pointed out] or sleeping.

and i dropped my starsailor cd case and the tip of it chipped off. phuck.

*snarls*

oh the woe-someness of mood swings.
i'm a horribly self-indulgent, pathetic arse wallowing in depression when i clearly know i have no excuse to. i make myself sick.

snap out of it? uh.

i was held up at NTUC's cashier trying to pay for my ONE can of chrys. tea by this fussy father who decided to change the can on abalone they were buying. so the poor cashier had to run around finding the right can, of the the right brand and the right price that satisfied the wife. inconsiderate. the queue was already so long and yet, gah! i was scowling by the time i left the place.

re-reading through this post, it has dawned upon my realization that i am being very whiny and pathetic. i am complaining and its not as if i actually have something substantial to complain about. though the sun may not be really shining, im still breathing [or mebbe that could be the problem] and i'm in no sort of moral dillemma or melodramatic, traumatic crisis whatsoever.
it's just petty pissy-offyness and quite childish at that.

sad. i am sad.

i probab should snap out of it dammit.

i feel a bit apologetic really. not for feeling down because i still firmly believe i have every right to feel whatever i want to feel. i feel apologetic to the people i'm hanging out with who bear with my mood swings and the recurrent funk that i sink into without clear reason, cause nor warning.

but then again, why feel sorry? its a tad annoying as well that i'm so readily willing to apologize. apologize for what exactly? if you don't like it, i'm not stopping anybody from leaving me alone until i get better. in fact, i LIKE being alone..but people, i'm expected to interact with people...since when did i care what others expect of me? always i suppose. nah, i've always been aware of it but most of the time, i completely disregard it..and sometimes, when i'm too tired to care myself, to spend my energy wading against the tide; i adhere to it.

i want to be alone.
and yet, i can't. not really.

why?

because of my best friend. its gets quite scary when our co-dependence for each other's prescence is brought to the surface. its scary merely visualizing ignoring her completely for even a day. ..or being bad company by being sullen and all shit-mooded. she'd understand but I will feel bad for you know, having her to spend her time with somebody who temporarily misanthropic.

that's fucked up isn't it?