i will die.

..well, yeah. it's true i suppose. sooner or later.

im hardly eloquent.

i wish i the world was in monochrome. so much prettier than the bright glaring colours staring at me now. *pukegagpuke*

gack, how stupid can i get? i blame it on the brain cells dying each single day. huh, wouldn't that mean that as i grow older, and start the dreaded metamorphosis into an adult, i will then be stupid-ER? egads.

i will die.

death will soon come to find me due to my own inevitable stupidity.
stupidstupidstupid

stupid for not doing what i had known needed to be done
stupid for staying where it's safe stupid for listening to sarah mclachlan and bic runga leaving me all melancholic and depressed stupid for not being there stupid for not doing the right thing stupid for messing this whole shit up stupid for wasting my time stupid for being the anti-social recluse that i am stupid for doing nothing stupid for standing still stupid for runnning blindly too fast stupid for staying quiet stupid for saying too much stupid for saying the wrong thing stupid for ignoring what's important stupid for caring stupid for thinking stupid for feeling low stupid for being blind stupid for not changing stupid for refusing to change stupid for contemplating change stupid for staying stupid for wanting to leave stupid for being me.

it's fucked-up stupid
damn it. a silent scream would help
i guess that's the source of it; silence.



it's so much fun being angsty. yep. as fun as puking my guts out and then having to swallow them back to where they belong.

might as well get it over with.





all is not fine in this bubble of delusions i live in darling.

[themesong: Never There - Cake]

shuld i bother?

my friend wondered at my lack of "friends" in my Friendster account. she figured it was due to the fact that my profile pic is an Emily photo..a one with her punching someone akshulli. so, yeah.

the theory was that nobody could see what my face looks like so nobody bothered to leave me a message asking me to be a "friend" which is apparently commonplace. erk, i never knew.
now what? scan and upload a photo of myself from some random neoprint thang? i suppose i *could* if i wanted to have more "friends". but doesn't that mean the people who DO turn up because of the bloody pic are ppl hu well, turn up BECAUSE of my pic?

somehow, it leads me to the conclusion that this Friendster thing is all very stupid. i have a feeling i'll be leaving my account AND profile pic idle for quite some time.

*sighs* it just doesn't make sense.




maybe that's why my social circle will always be a small group of people i'm close with. i don't see the point of having a hee-uge social circle and knowing the entire island's population if you're not akshulli...friends with them.

see? ..i'm fine.

yay.

well, it's not a complete 'over it' but quite considerable. yesterday, i was all melodramatic and over-reacting which proved to be GOOD because it flushed most of the overwhelming emotions out of my system.
so aside from this morning when i woke up and sat in bed for 10 minutes thinking about It again, i haven't moped for the WHOLE day. yay me!

i was upset not at the people involved but at myself and the entire Situation. because it IS partly my fault that allowed the Situation to be.

gack, i hate ethics.
there are times i wish i could be a complete bitch and not give a shit about other ppl and the consequences of my actions..but i can't.

*whoops, must be careful. dont want to accidently reveal what It is o0.*

mudder dah-ling cooked laksa, yum.

won't be going out anywhere this New Year's Eve [expectedly]. my mudder has a firm belief that countdown parties are places for hellspawn *sighs* and she doesn't want to see [or picture me] squirming, jumping and having a good fun time.
im supposed to be camping at my aunt's semi-d [lol] at JB today...their all having a bbq/countdown thing but im not going cuz i figured i have a LOT of work to *try* and do.

what a sad life huh?

© What's your Inner Goddess Color?? © Jen

*raises eyebrow*
why DO i bother with quizzes? their addictive.

whoops. it broke.

bet you don't know what im tokking abt.

a.maths and me

heeh. will it be funny to hand in a blank a.maths test paper?
cuz that's what im doing if they force me to take the bloody test when skule re-opens.
..wished i did that during the exams itself - oh wait, i sorta did. *glerg*

it's weird, is this happening in other skules? when the actual skule term starts next week, we have a test nearly everyday! tok about a welcome-back gesture. a premonition of what's to come i guess.

gee, doesn't THAT fill me with bubbling optimism and enthusiasm for 2004.

studying is good. did i just SAY that???

listening to sarah mclachlan. it's..soothing. an achier dido.

i suppose i'll get over it soon enuff. drowning myself in work helps i realize. which again is, GOOD.

so all is good.
and yet it hardly feels that way.
*shrugs* i'm used to it i suppose.


revising my bio for the test when skule re-opens and realize that a Visking tube looks disgustingly obscence. don't ask me why but it gives me a gerglish vibe. o0.
i went through the notes i made for the exams and they akshulli shocked me. Shocked at how much i actually knew!...and managed to remember. it was an opposite reaction though for chemistry. gak, no wonder i flunked.

glurg.

must resist urge to indulge in wallowing. but i suppose i already am in a way since this post is quite doom+glume.

I WILL NOT.

general warning to the public: do NOT eat choc-filled mint candy.
gack! i mean, WHO creates mutants like that? it shud be a crime i tell ya to invent gross candy.

like licorice jellybeans. i dont know anybody who likes those black pustules of eville.

do they have durian gummies? cuz that wud be gross too.

and i dont think Fisherman's Friend counts as candy.

i have discovered that eating two small packets of Hershey's Kisses and that ALONE [till dinner o0.] can sustain me for the whole day.

products that act as a laxative when eaten in excess: Lakerol and Tangs [it's an orange drink powder, yum!]

fave candy that accompanies me to skule:
Strawberry Fruitella
Gobstoppers
Mentos
Nerds [noisy tho]
Fruitip
Pez [and it's so damn cute!]

fave indulgence:
ice-kachang with no corn, no kachang and extra brown syrup.
Starbuck's mocha ::drools::

fave recess snack:
chocolate biscuit with vanilla cream YanYan
strawberry Pocky.
Kinder Bueno
Amos cookies

fave comfort candy:
marshmallows
chocolate [duh!]
gummy bears

fave bakery product:
the sugar buns at the bakery near my g'ma house
brownies

most overrated:
Ferrero Roche


*as you can see, i am making useless lists to distract myself. helps actually.

this emotion again.

misery.



















'tis not as sweet as it was before.

i treat life the same way i eat prawns

*interruption: gack! in a sudden burst of intelligence, i showed my mudder my blog. i blame it entirely on my lack of sleep.
anywayS, i also forgot abt all the 'fuck's i had in it and NOW she wants me to replace it with words such as 'fish' and the like. i don't know why she's dwelling on it so much. she probably thinks my use of vulgar profanities will cause me to be an old spinster since nobody likes a loud, potty-mouthed female. yes, the all like 'em nice, quiet, sweet, docile and homely. Geez. the only person i can think of who has all of those attributesis bambi and surprisingly [to me], he's a MALE.
so go figure.

erk, i'll probably just show her my abandoned blog. hardly doubt she'll notice.

**more interruption:you canNOT deny the fact that it is common public theory [even if they refuse to acknowledge it] that:

JC>poly>ITE ---->ite:normal
poly:normal-express
jc: express-and the smarter than thou's

in judging the student's intellect. it's stupid to pretend that ppl dont stereotype it that way! and yes, even though it HAS been proven that it is possible to break the assumed barrier or even caste you might say, it is still there!
i wish people would admit the tint of bigotry they have. i admit that there are times and occasions that i am prejudiced. but hey, it happens! we're human after all. just stop pretending that you're all virtuous, open-minded and pure.

For example [and what led me to this rant], a recent convo with my mudder. she commented that my neighbour got into poly so iw as asking her what's the biggie? and she replied, "she was in Normal you know" which was then that i pounced on her. it's not an entirely direct comment but, yeah.



#i have lost all interest on my title topic becuz something has happened. probab wont even mention it in my blog in the near future. *sighs* NEED TO CALL BEST FRIEND. NOW. ERK!!

2003 and the next year.

it's been nearly a whole bloody year hasn't it? ah nostalgia galore.

i'll miss the GeekParade with nadya [big, harry potter glasses+buttoned collar+skirt pulled up to the waist],

lit lessons with ms. tham and all the very punny jokes and general crapping.

skipping pe and hiding in the CLEAN loo [wait-i'll probably do this next year as well]

art lessons. digging through the store room for art supplies we never knew existed in the school. having a friendly, beng-ish ah pek as our teacher. him drivng us once in a while to the MRT station.

practicing for the Teacher's Day Concert audition [which we weren't accepted into because it was *cough* too sensual]. whatever, it was fun striking bimbo poses ala Legally Blonde

filling the sky with bubbles before flag-raising. it's really pretty because iwe normally did it at dawn-ish so the sky's really nice and blue or after the school then the bubbles glint in the afternoon sun.

oh yes! the mirror game!
it's FUN. you go out to the corridor [pref after skule when its bloody hot] and u use a mirror to catch the lights and u shine the beam right into ppl's faces and into classes. the beam is BLINDING and it's a very, VERY obvious white light.

CAP. what can i say that would fit the fantastic 5 days i had there? i shall not rant and risk sounding cheesy.

i think ive already managed to sound cheesy and ultimately boring, so i'll shaddup now.

------------------------------------------

*ming xuan. cancer can strike at any time, at any age people. listen to ur ma when she nags you abt carcinogenic[?] substances cuz well, it could happen to you and i do NOT want to lose another friend to the big C.
still remember how i received the news that he had you know..gone. every single second. i suppose this IS one day imprinted in my my mind. and the days following it.

we miss you ming xuan.


-----------------------------------

RESOLUTIONS:
- shall drink more water.
- shall be more smile-y.
- will be more honest and frank.
- will come up with new excuses to use on why my shirt's tucked out and you can't see my socks [apparently, teachers' visions stop below the ankle].
- will put in effort to be more effiecient
- stop my obsessive tendencies
- be more pro-active.

---------------------------------------

..u know, speaking about nostalgia and all that, it makes me think about the times when i used to run up to my dad and hug him when he comes home from work. that was like what? 10 years ago. *sighs*, now it's just a simple 'hi'.

i suppose im just not a very affectionate person.

and auld lang syne and the crap about old aquaintences. geez, what about the friends i lost? the ones who decided to turn against me for no apparent reason. the ones who suddenly changed?
i miss them too. miss having them as a friend. miss the person they ONCE were.

but i know i cant help them. since they dont WANT help. from anybody.





+gah! ive done it again! the sappy pukey nostalgia.

fucked-up

++shall not dwell on my html that has decided to mess up. yes, i know it is my fault. yes, i noe that i shud have paid more attn during those computer lessons they forced us to take a few years back. but nobody told me i was gna start a blogg then!! *whines* how was i supposed to noe?...

alright. breathe. breathe.


SO. skule starts in a few days. whatever holiday resolution i made has mostly gone down the drain. it is proof however that *drum rolll*....i am not very resolved. argh. this is bad. it's bad for my future plans and schemes cuz it shows how THOSE would end up as well. ergo, i really have to do something constructive about my lack of resolve. yes.

im ranting arn't i?

but skule is going to start! and even tho at very start of a month-long holz im just about readdy to throw in the proverbial towel and say hell to the school, i always end up anticipating school re-opening. this i suppose, is also proof that i *never*learn my lesson. gads, im stuck in quite a rut.

and oh yes. i cut my hair. eyelash bangs, pixie thing.
sometimes i like it, sometimes i tink its J-poppy [gah!] so like i told kass just now, i shall hence avoid bright colours and generally fluffy things that scream 'kawaa-i!'. say hellloooo to black.

wee! new batch of students next year..will prove to be interesting. will use them as subjects for my social experiments and write and present a paper to universities and flabbergast the faculty. oh ok, fine. mebbe not the paper thing.

hah! good riddance Random Senior Bitches etc! the school will be a much bettter place without you bloody lians!
i feel very sorry that *certain* people in my batch cant graduate this year. damn.

..my air-con leaked again. on my hw this time.
note to self: use water-proof pens.

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
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Jake Sparrow
You are Jack Sparrow. Most think that you are a
stupid pirate, when really you are intelligent.
You are funny and to most untrustworthy and a
little on the crazy side but you still look
good doing what you are doing. All you want in
life is to take back what was once yours in
full ownership (hint) Anyway please vote for my
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Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

durr...

it is a horrid feeling feeling sad/embarassed for a friend.
i generally like her pretty much, it's just that she's so...transparent. her social butterfly ways and when she try's her fucking dandest to fit in and the thing is, she DOES manage to fit in. but it is also very obvious to others the immense effort she takes to look and act like everybody else. down to the bright coloured OP bag, the cutesy stuff..and the thing i really cant stand? her chinese-ey accent [she's malay btw]. the 'something-something lor..'s and the lilt that she adds.it's already cringe-y enuff hearing it from the CHINESE people, but ACK!

just to fit in. it's so forced and artificial that it has become quite painful.
egad.

i suppose i could tell her but i have a feeling she won't take to it well. in fact, i'm sure she'll react by being a] bitter b]resentful c]childish and she will hate me guts.
she's a real friend i suppose. i don't always like her behaviour but i know she's a friend i can depend on and vice-versa.


ergo, shud i be the one to tell her that she's making a complete arse of herself?

You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.


What feeling do you represent?
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++i cut my hair!! wee!!!++

gack. is it me, or is it hardly anyone's updating their bloggs?

*sigh* i guess it's just you and me, you nasty, incompetent Blogger.

oh, si. i FINALLY managed to catch the prev LOTRs and it was good, just as expected. pft, if i had watched it in the first place- i dont thionk i would have wasted my time with ol' Leggy. *sw00ns* ..aragorn..
do you KNOW who legolas reminds me of? a very ditzy Forbidden Forest Centaur. if he ever started panicking and getting hysterical, i would say Proffesor Trelawney. i mean, the guy climbs up a boulder, stares into the horizon and proclaims

"The sun has risen. They are coming"

gee- how profound.


*ducks at the shoes and tomatoes thrown at her*

..although i DID get upset when Random Elves got shot during the battle of Helm's Deep. generally, i like elves. it's just that i dont think legolas is the shiniest ring in sauron's jewellery box.

huh, and after watching it..it occured to me that there are some very simalr properties between LOTR and Rowling. *sighs*

Gollum vs. Kreacher
Saruman vs. Minister Crouch *shrugs*

[i formed alot more comparisons as i was watching but ive forgotten them by now...why Rowling, why???]

++i've figured it out++

i realized why i got a bit upset when bern said i was bubbly.

you see at school, i'm hardly bubbly. when i'm not crazy, i'm sullen and sarcastic. thinking about it now, when i'm not laughing my arse off- i hardly smile. and you know why?
it's cuz the Bubbly bit was completely covered by my best friend. huh, she's SO bubbly...it's like whatever bubbliness that i have is unneeded and im pretty sure i FORGOT it existed.

that I could be bubbly [!]

huh.
and in a way, i suppose i resented her a bit for being the Bubbly one...cuz general consensus at my school says bubbliness=good=popular and i've always been the odd
one out sort of.

*i'm not sure im making sense here...oh well*