sometimes i worry that i'm not behaving or living a life like a 16 year old should.

then i think and ponder all the seemingly [snerk] significant and impactful things that i too worry about and realize that heck, i am in all of it's essence a teenager. and this makes me glad; despite all the confooosion that comes with it.

it's just that recently, i fretted that i hadn't lived my life to it's fullest. that the past years of my life have been a complete waste - that I was to blame for all that precious precious time going down the cliched drain.

i know for sure that i wished i had immersed myself in better books during the past few years because now i have no time to read as much as i want to. and i know that the next few years will feel the same. and i fret that i didn't value my literature lessons as much even though we had to plough through the oh-so-dull works of catherine lim [though i did like her Bondmaid] and re-enacted Animal Farm which was i think, a hilarious event in creating.

the tacky teenage romance books thrown my way back then told me that 16 [a good 3 years away back then] was a time of the Geeks finally ousting the Bitchy and Beautiful and at the same time, happily being swept up in the giddy tsunamis of puppy love from the very gorgeous and Up-There-in-the-Social-System male protagonist.

or that someone dies in a car crash. but only after finding their One True Love of course.

but if anything, i've grown ever more resistant towards the heady spell of infatuation. :\ i now laugh or cringe or both at memories of said affliction.

*sighs*

i fret that 20 years from now, my kids will ask me what was it like when you were a kid and i'll have nothing...impactful, nothing of cliched importance divined from my adolescent years to impart on them.

i worry that so far, all i have is Nothing.

a more...pragmatic example would be the fact that if i were to leave school right now, i would not even have my O Level cert which even though they say is the basic-est, we all know is absolutely NOTHING.

and yet, how can Mr. Employer say that the past 3++years have been nothing? that it was of no purpose of all?
that despite all the ah yes, trials and tribulations that nearly 4 years of secondary school and interaction with its inhabitants is negligible and doesnt matter?

it pisses me off it does.

i've gone through a LOT, maybe not enough to win a Nobel Award or heck, even write good poetry but geez dont trivialize what we've gone through. it wasn't easy; it sure wasn't smooth-sailing. it was, essentially, an adolescent life - with the same adolescent tears sweat grief laughter wrath joy triumph [not much of this one] and panic spilt towards whole process.

but when you need to get a job, that simply translates into...Nothing? honestly, something's not adding up here.