i want to rant.

i have a lot to say, but the moment i see the words materialize on the screen, i feel sick in the stomach - let alone say it out into actual sounds.
despite the fact that i have friends, that i have a BEST friend, i feel compelled to stay silent somehow.

i don't like it.

am not liking feeling pissed with literally, the whole world.

i hate the way i am so aware of my snerk! idealism and being even MORE aware of the foolishness of it all. the way that i KNOW that i have to give up things i love like taking lit and art [and now, CAP] to go poly because well, that is where my career whatever it will, be.

i hate the knowing that one day, i'll end up a faceless drone in singapore's workforce, my life driven to make money to survive. to pay the bills and the kids' tutor.

the inevitability of it sickens me.

i hate the way re-living communism's death in history makes me actually SAD. because essentially, it is the death of idealism and the proving in all angles that pragmatism rules the day. the fact that we can never live in goodwill, that its beyond human nature.

what are we?

i hate the way i looks at my friends and other's in general and marvel at their immaturity and idiocy. then i feel guilty because at the same time, i'm aware that i too am guilty of said behaviour.

i hate the way when i read the article about the poor korean guy who ended up beheaded [what an ugly word, fitting in today's world] the opposite page was a full-page glamorous poster of this gorgeous blond girl with her hair artfully blown by the invisible photgrapher's fan and make-up immaculately applied with the finest brushes and richest pigments ADVERTISING MANGO'S SALE.
it disgusts me.
the insensitivity of such a grave event, and they COMMERCIALIZE it. seriously, no prizes for guessing it was strategically placed there beside a headline news.

and i'm going into mass communications?

to learn how to grab painful events and to interpret it into the language of money and sales? to forsake ethics and what-not because that's how the world goes, until finally it ends.

this is the slow and gut-wrenching death of idealism and it hah negatively nauseates me.

it makes me feel even worse that i find a smidge of comfort knowing that sooner or later, i would be what they call jaded and be numb to all of it. because then, i would have grown up - to become the jigsaw piece we all are supposed to be to make this twisted, warped world where countries submit themselves to the Big Kahuna for conveniece and security and the fact that this behaviour is logical is even more sickening.

like the vanda miss joaquims they all want us to be according to today's CAP jcdrama.
well guess what? i want to be a rafflesia but know that doing so woukd be immediate ostracization and suicide.


to sum it up, i'm disgusted at the world.
and myself.