I (well, Charmaine to be exact - although I did all the hunting!) managed to find myself a holga before I left for my trip to india, and you know a camera + foreign, colourful country = happy time!

7 rolls of film happy to be exact, which got me quite worried because what if all 7 rolls came out like crap right! haven't touched a film camera before!

So! I am totally hooked.
















and on regular 35mm film:






















right, that's enough picture-spamming for now.

I'm sad!

A few neutral shots of the INDIAN OCEAN. The weather wasn't that great, and the beach apparently not the best in Kerala but is it me, but does the water look a lot more vast than what we see in Singapore? Probably from the lack of cargo ships loitering around and the lack of people confronting the rather harsh waves.

Anyway! The next three are from the digital camera. I think some people might consider this series kinda bland and boring but I love the tan, gray and pigeon blue colour scheme. I swear, I do have the customary shots of brilliant orange sunsets and a few pictures with BURSTING colour will be out up soon! But for now, take these:





And these are from the Holga! I think I will be signing off a considerable portion of my allowance of film & developing costs because I am totally loving the softness that the Holga renders pictures. And yes, I did get pictures with the crazy colour effects and you will be seeing that soon!





 

sometimes i think i'm a really good kid, and it annoys me!

on another note, i am back from india and am trying to figure out how to post the illustrated recount of the trip on this blog. i think i will do it in non-chronological episodic segments, and then include pictures from the holga and from other friends as subsequent annex(es)? and then there are the sketches from my travel journal. seems i am more attached to coherency than i thought..

but i do miss india already.

i also miss other things and persons!

I have malay eyes
a malay nose
a malay mouth
chinese eyelashes
chinese boobs*
malay height
malay hair
and a malay bum.



*Seriously though, most malay boobs I've seen are huge. There was this girl I saw once poured into a tank top and the tops of her boobs were jiggling. Like, how is that?

I will never know.

But! Speaking of racial compartmentalization.

Do you know that it really does aggravate me seeing mainly chinese/oriental women in ads, or in articles touting asians as the next big thing in fashion and modelling?

Because then, I mentally go: O hey I'm asian but I don't look like that!

It is just a small, disquieting feeling when you supposedly don't fit into the minority group that you always had identified yourself with, because you then realize how much of a minority you are in the minority group itself. Very odd, but part and parcel.

And then there's the whole representation of female asian beauty being exemplified by tall willowy oriental girls, which sure, did a lot of good for me in my angsty, not-so-stable esteem days of being 15 years old.

Which! I suppose in retrospect, might answer why in Sec 3/4 I found myself distancing a little from Charmaine because I think being with her constantly made me feel a little uncomfortable with me being and looking different. Who knew right? Ah the uncomfortable perspective that history offers.

Not an issue now though, so don't get all up in arms. I am cool and chillin' in my own skin.

And then I suddenly realized!

I love being single.

(Well yes, despite present, possible ambiguities.)

Occurred to me when I dropped by a friend's lj and how she noted that in seeing her boy off to the NS Departure made her tear up, it really reminded me of when I went through the exact same thing some time last year.

And how it was a long, tedious affair that seemed to unnecessarily drag on, but then the day after, holy geez did I feel the loss or what. Especially because prior to that, we were of course hanging out everyday so when he was gone (for what, 2 weeks lol) I could absolutely feel the absence in my life.

It was an absence! A void! Another individual's existence affected my own mental state that much, wow.

And I am so glad that is now gone. You know how some shampoos promise you tangle-free hair?

Yeah that's me alright, tangle-free.

It is nice to be emotionally clean for once, and not have strings so firmly tied to another person where it feels like you're living the lives of two people. Oh to be guiltlessly, relatively self-centered once more!

There's a difference you know - caring very much for your close friends and family, and being in a relationship where try as you much, you somehow become more or less, a symbiotic..thing. I suppose relationships have this close proximity thing that just amplifies everything and I guess I just don't like how intense it can get sometimes. Like ease off, back away! No!

Sigh I suppose all the post-relationship* trauma is coming out of the woodwork now.

Question is: How do people get married at this rate?





*isn't that a nicer word than break-up?

I guess what I didn't want to say was that I miss you. Or even more so, what's triggering it.

4:55AM and I'm talking nonsense. I bet you still come here. You're even more nostalgic than me, and it used to annoy me incredibly! Why do you hold on to things so much, I always wanted to say that but never did. I think I know now though. Even then, pre-emptively, you knew how easily things slip away and I suppose you were always aware of the loss. Maybe that's how you saw us, always through the frame of what was. And I always let go, very often and very easily. I thought it was a virtue.

Maybe not, maybe not.







And oh, The Great Spy Experiment's Late Night Request is so much more appropriate, melody-wise at least.

Doomsday is an AMAZINGLY-RIDICULOUS movie! Yes, quite literally, in that order. Everybody should watch it, extremely high in entertainment value and value for money! All the movie genres you could ever want rolled into a single movie ticket!

It is a zombie, political satire, apocalyptic, medieval, action, punk-anarchist,
Gladiator-esque,futurist, LOTR-Middle Earth, and James Bond-ish with a car chase sequence where the car remains impossibly shiny and unscathed! Despite driving through a bus!

AMAZING.

This is not right at all of course. I downed the can of coffee at 3AM to rush my art history essay/exam, not blog. But such are the impulses at 4.54 in the morning.

And besides, I have been feeling particularly, internally verbose recently. You know the feeling - phrases and sentences emerging and floating around in my head..the kind too silly and pretentious to say out loud but from my perspective at least, have a delicacy that I want to make tangible. I have not felt this way in a long, long time, which only serves to confirm what I always feared.

And besides, I've finally succumbed to Aini's badgering for me to blog, and what is more convincing than a bag of surprisingly rich and conveniently bite-sized chocolates? And a really pretty pocket mirror! That I resolve to look at because it is so cute, but not look in because it makes me look so VAIN lah, and the magnifying mirror is also a horrifying mirror. It makes me want to run home and hide myself under a pile of SKII face masks ha! If I use them in the first place, which I don't.

Are you sure you miss this rambling Aini?

It has been a very good month.

From now on, this is the yardstick for what constitutes a good month:
- being accepted into a school that you have long considered the holy grail of art schools; whether this thing is true or not is another thing entirely so SHUSH
- a 3.1 Phillip dress as a *SURPRISE* birthday present
- a *SURPRISE* birthday present from an ex-boyfriend, and you actually, finally, really do like the present, which you makes you happy and a bit more sad.
- weekends spent with lovely, close friends, in strange places and really, just being away from school
- buzzing from the utter gratification of finding out something that is somewhat related to something I've been harbouring since i was what, 16.

I don't think another month like this is likely to come by anytime soon. It's just too good!

It does not take much to make me happy. Lying down on warm ground, facing the sky and open space, and stepping on a daytime moon! That's all it takes, really. Its this tentative, tentative feeling of new possibilities and nuances of reciprocation that make me feel at ease and filled with lightness, and maybe quiet triumph ha! I don't know where things are heading, or even if its heading anywhere at all but I don't care. Here is good.

I was going up the escalator from the City Hall MRT station towards Raffles City and it was raining. And you know, the heavy rain against the glass ceiling made the glass look like a sheath of sparkling light. Never noticed that before.

I'm still buzzing, buzzing. Things* are going so well I can't quite believe it.





*Hopefully this will include my Art History exam happening the day after tomorrow, of which I am concretely, under-prepared for. SIGH.

zaaaaaaaara, where are you?

Right. What I'm going to be blogging about is not going to be very interesting to the general masses but for art people..well, yeah.

I've noticed this growing resentment towards Art Friend from schoolmates and teachers in ADM and apart from acknowledging that the collective disdain is somewhat peer-influenced, I'm still going: whut?

Resentment issues:
a) Monopolizing the art supplies market in Singapore - TRUE
b) Bad customer service - ARGUABLE.

The common gripe with (b) is that the service in Art Friend is inefficient, to the point that it seems intentionally lazy compared to the close attention paid to the customer in a smaller art store like Straits Commercial. Now I'm usually all for rooting for the underdog, but in all the mass support for the seemingly under-appreciated smaller store and critique against the bullying of the corporate monolith...have you guys even considered the reason why the service in Art Friend may be lacking? When I hear the complaints about the latter's employees, it always sounds so damn personal!-- such an idiot, so arrogant ladadada.

I think the issue is that the employees were never given adequate training and that's not quite their personal fault, and its not fair to fully blame their supposed lack of initiative. What it is, is a glaring oversight made by the management and hey, maybe the reason why it's never been remedied is because the customers (that's us) have never complained enough, or with enough detail.

Because I know what it's like to be thrown into a job without having been taught the relevant skills and common know-how. At my internship they were requesting and assuming I knew how to pdf things to the specific technical requirements - and I never even knew such specifications EXISTED. The first time they told me to call the courier I was all - right, courier..we have one?

I would choose to believe that the harried and unhelpful looks/efforts from Art Friend employees is not due to laziness or arrogance. They're just blur sotong AND TRYING TO COPE WITH THEIR JOB. Trust me, I recognize this expression - it's been on my face far too often.

So one time, I couldn't find the conte crayons and asked for assistance. He looked at me curiously. So I said, "They're kinda orange-y..waxy crayons." He thought for a moment, pointed to a bunch of orange-y pencials, paused a moment and then, handed me a box of children's wax crayons. They don't know! That's okay! They (sometimes) really do try! So when I eventually found them by myself, I went up to they guy and told him:

"These are conte crayons."

"Orh," he said nodding, "ok thanks ah."

See, you help them learn.

And in another incident, I was with Zara at Art Friend and there was this boy with um, his chauffeur (don't ask how we managed to infer their relation) and the boy was getting supplies for a school project requiring the construction of a box out of styrofoam boards. They asked an employee - what kind of glue can we use to glue the boards. And so helpfully, with good intentions, the employee pointed out to them that amazing, all-purpose glue!-- UHU superglue.

Unfortunately!

From personal experience, I know for a fact that UHU glue melts styrofoam.

But you can't expect random people to know these random facts! So we interrupted their consultation, shared this nifty bit of info as well as introducing them to that nifty little invention - THE GLUE GUN. So all in all, Zara and I saved the world.

Honestly, you can't expect random employees with no art background to know the nitty gritty details of art supplies and their characteristics, there's just too much! As art students ourselves, we already get so boggled by the assortment of art junk, brand names and quirks.

Give 'em a break, that's all I'm saying.

I was scanning in some old pictures for a certain errand, and decided: heck, since I've got them in my laptop now, might as well share it with y'all!

It is more bearable than adolescent camwhoring, at least.


The alarmed expression is probably a reaction to my mother having sprung a hairbrush on me. Never liked it, she was always quite rough with it..tough love, eh? Would also explain why neat hair was a Rare Occurence later on in childhood.


Naturally.




Car seat! I don't remember this one. I used to pretend I was driving with the clasp of my Older Kid car seat though.


With cousin. I like the fact that we still come to this void deck every other week to visit my grandmother. Eh, I love my shoes! And my top! Are those bird prints? Man I would totally still wear that now. Wah lau, sartorial retrospective self-epiphany.

And then, suddenly! I wrote this strange thing. Its got an erratic rhythm to it, which you know, isn't exactly without a point!..if anyone can be bothered to prac. crit a poem written by a silly teenager (answer: no).

Out of curiosity, do let me know what you think it means. It makes perfect sense to me, but of course, that's because I wrote it and therefore, have my own decoding ring consisting of a personal stock of subtext and allusions.


The Whale to Survive

I am able to detach
myself at will.

The distance between is a whale:
inexplicably, irretrievebly stolid.
I lean against this massive bulk that
blocks the immediacy!-- of perception!-- of reaction!
I lean against this massive bulk
and rest.

And so it is with some regret
that I note the uneasiness -
that! Does not fade, but grows.

I am a mammal out of water.

Gravity enveloping air,
Air enveloping - I am
lit by a consciousness.

I am heavy.
I am only, still.

I allow wind to rub grit
into rubber skin,
and do not move.
A micron of a tail twitches.
It is all that strains in me.

I long for the overwhelming,
the immediate! -- motion
of the sea.

Sometimes I surprise even myself.

Was flipping through a (recent) notebook of mine when I came across this:

ANTI-GRAVITATIONAL DEVICE.

WHY, I DO NOT KNOW.


On another note, with the sudden onslaught of university admission flurry of matriculation number-finding-and-registering, tution grants (you mean it no automatic? government give me no money?), MISSED DEADLINES, medical check-ups, choosing orientation camps, probably missing orientation camps and therefore, ergo, eventually, having no friends...I am very, very terrified.

Which is weird, because usually I am quite gung-ho about moving to new territory. But I think maybe in this period of flitting from job to job, I am quite tired of the whole New Kid routine. You know, the whole sussing people out, uneasy exchange of humour.

I wish someone would just talk to me, the way we used to in school. I miss it, and I think in a rather unpleasantly needy way, I well, need it.

Easy conversation.

On another, another note! Look what came in the mail. Right, this was from the Admission Handbook for Freshmen that NTU sent me in the mail. With regards to the schedule of our medical check-up:

"Ladies, if your medical examination date falls on your inconvenient day of the month, please feel free to come at another date."

I kid you not.

Ladies? Inconvenient day of the month? Dude, how archaic - say it Mr. Writer sir, say it: FEMALE STUDENTS. MENSTRUATION. PERIOD.

If we're lucky, maybe they might even be showing us this video in the waiting room!



NURSE, GET THE IODINE AND MONKEY WRENCH. STAT!



(I hope you watched the video! Because it is funny! Credit to Hazri who showed it to me a long time ago! Credit also to that single neurone of mine that bothered to retain trivial bit of youtube content!)

Bintan was amazing.

Which is quite funny, considering that it really was just the typical, semi-luxe beach holiday that I've been to so many times. Think the crucial difference is that it was no family, all-friends time. Yeah!

All was typical except that:
- We saw double rainbows!
- And a meteorite! In the day! Seriously. It was a bright burning ball with a tail moving really slowly in the sky. I say meteorite, or INVADING ALIENS.
- And a huge rhino beetle that was saved!

And I loved floating around the pool platform, singing Backstreet Boys and consequently annoying tash who will never, ever, understand the cheesy love for boybands that we kids who grew up in the 90s hold near and dear.

And I loved the stars that we saw at the kelong on our second night. It looked like an atrium! So huge and amazing and augh.

And then there was this partaaaaaay at the hotel club which I didn't go for, but the banner was DAMN FUNNY. It said: Xperience the scandal of the land. HAHA

And sangeetha was flirted with by the bellboy! Who gave him her nummber, hmm Rikda?

And bumpy, buggy rides from the concierge that seemed faster and more dangerous than they really were but sent us into giggle fits anyway.

I loved talking with Zara and Tash in the early morning, and seeing them wake up. You know, naturally, while still in bed. Instead of well, in lecture theaters all messed up and stressed.

And I loved waking up in the early mornings - very bright in Bintan - and seeing Syahrul (even if its his arm pit, ack!) beside me with all the white bedsheets and blankets aglow in the morning light.

I loved trooping down at 5.30AM (i kid you not) to the beach to see the sun rise. And more excitingly, see scurrying hermit crabs that are actually pretty! And a school of fish jumping out of the sea like dolphins.

And I loved floating around the sea and have tiny schools of fish swim around you! Instead of like, a random plastic bag like at East Coast. Sometimes there were big striped fish too!

And huge buffet breakfasts! And being able to see the faces of my friends light up, because we're having such a simple, great time.

And playing with cute, non-bratty white kids named India and Oscar! Who speak french!



I am/was so, so, very happy.

Hot damn.



When I saw this dress, the fingers that belonged to the arm that I had plopped on the desk actually stretched out towards the computer screen, wanting.

Want this dress.

Even more so when the original blogger posted it, saying: Zooey Deschanel may be the only person who can pull off Erin Fetherston's petal dress.

No, me too. Me.

Want this dress, so bad.

GIVE ME.

So I'm really horrible with video games right, or for that matter, practically anything that demands decent display of co-ordinated motor skills.

The only game I was decent at was this Marvel fighting thing, but that must be because the game was configured such that aimless button-pushing, if done rapidly enough, can still save your butt somehow.

They need to market games like these for people like me.

For others of superior skillz though, there are games like Spiderman 3, which was what I attempted today.

The game was already loaded into Syahrul's PS2 so while he went off to the kitchen, I decided to tinker a little with it. It seemed to me that the whole point of the game was navigation, because geez! That was all I seemed to be doing.

I couldn't find any baddies to beat up into a messy, pixelated pulp.

Then I realized! Ah, that little grey circle with the tiny arrow! With increasing/decreasing numbers indicating my proximity to Bad, Needs-To-Be-Beaten-Up Person! How nifty.

C'MON I AM READY FOR SOME VIOLENCE, I said to myself. Now we all know that the superhero in question can swing from (concrete) tree to tree - puzzlingly enough, not quite like the animal that he is named after. Did no one consider this? Spiders don't swing?

#Edit: Wait, yes spiders do swing to make their webs. D'oh! But you know, the way Spiderman swings...I've always considered it more ape-like, no?

Hence and therefore, logically, swinging around from the buildings makes for much better transport speed but of course, I could not control le swinging. I'd do the special combo button thingy, and SWING SO WOAH AND THIS IS SO COOL then realize, shit, I'm still in the same spot. Or, I'd jump+crawl+swing and you'd think I'd make it to the roof top but no, of course not. I'd land on the concrete pavement, so gracefully that I'd leave a crater 2 meters wide.

The town council is not Spiderman's best friend, I suppose.

Then! Then, I found a really efficient way to navigate. I thought it was sheer genius.

And then the Boy, who's been watching me struggle for quite some time, he says: "Sayang. Spiderman doesn't walk."

Wherence the controller was thrown back at him with a swing that Spidey would have been proud of.

SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SHOES.



My sister says that they are evidence of the remaining traces of my Spice Girls fanhood.

I shamelessly, vehemently concur.

They are a little bit trickier to match than I thought though, since I need to be wary of crossing the thin, thin line between snazzy-kitsch and tacky. We shall see, we shall see!

Its like someone (who? You? Figment of my shoe-addled mind?) told me..so what if the shoe is ridiculous and you won't really wear it. The point is that you POSSESS it, and you can tell all you children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (because surely being a shoe whore runs in the genes) what amazing shoes you once had.

On a more introspective note, working with Jenn on a prose piece she wrote has re-affimed a notion I've always had in my head. To quote Ms. Champion: "I only write in heartache. Never in love."

I've been trying to disregard (read: not think about it) the fact that the reason why I have not been writing anything - anything personal - is because I am happy. I love, and I'm in love..which means I feel so thoroughly grounded, with no frayed emotional threads at all that I feel settled. Content.

You'd think that would be a good thing.

Well, I was never that fantastic a writer anyway so perhaps, all is as it should be. Mmhmm, yeah keep telling yourself that.

I AM DEADSET EXCITED Y'ALL.




Even daily 7 hours of telemarketing won't get me down now that I have this in mind. Yell/snark at me all you want random receptionists, hokkien ah peks and hotshot finance managers. Oh the glee, the glee!

Will tell you guys when things are confirmed, of course.

One of the nice things about having a boyfriend is that you get to find out Things - Mysteries of Guy Behaviour. Sure, you could ask your average Platonic Male Friend but for all you know, they might still be holding something back. Hmm.

Between significant others though, there isn't any secrecy. Unless it concerns a disgusting habit, like that you eat your toenail clippings for example, and your neighbour's. You can keep that a secret. Apart from that however, SURRENDER ALL YOUR KNOWLEDGE TO ME NOW THAT WE ARE ONE SYMBIOTIC BEING!

Yes well anyway -

The other day, I got around to asking Syahrul the usual routine of Why are guys like that? What are they thinking of when so-and-so happens? Is it true that all guys think Fergie looks like a tranny? (answer: Affirmative)

"Supposing there is a guy who for some reason, has a LOT of female friends, more than he has guy friends, how do the rest of the Guy Clique feel about this?"

"Well, I think he should share."






HAHAHA