Some times I think I am too soft. That I feel too much for people, you know? Once I really get into it, it does become obvious that I've been doing this for the whole of my life, caring too easily for loved ones who (not unfairly), do not necessarily reciprocate to the same degree. Or so I perceive. I could make a long list of people I care for or rather, I care for more than they do for me. My response to this is alternately stoic and resentful.

But because I don't want to be a drama queen (which is only allowed to manifest itself on this blog HAHA), I don't mention to anyone the occasionally negative and needy feelings I harbour, and this self-restraint means I keep an emotional distance: I'll be here for you whenever you need me, but I won't tell you when I need you which is crazy, and even crazier because it stems solely from me not wanting to inconvenience people.

And I think its come to the point that even if someone was to come around willing to listen to all my petty and irrational grouses, I won't even know how to do it anymore. I would just feel so uncomfortable sharing now.

I need to become harder, in the sense of not feeling so bad when I (mistakenly or not) feel alone. Also I need to stop falling so easily into non-platonic emotional conundrums because um, looking at my track record, its annoying how the lows always last so much longer than the highs and its crazy how often I do this to myself. I mean, why?

Why should I love?

You tell me. I really can't find much satisfaction in the feeble optimism that my brain feeds me at the moment.