When I get upset, I oscillate between two reactions: a) being compulsively, OCD tidy as in straightening everything into straight rows and b) letting myself go into a inert stupor because by this point, I honestly have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

Its almost 4pm and I'm still in my pajamas, which isn't really a rare occurrence, but this time it's because I simply cannot be bothered. There are things I could have done today too, like looking for a scrap of paper with a number scribbled in pencil on it, and its a number that in a way, is some sliver of hope. But I didn't bother looking for it, because I guess I'm tired of hoping. Oh hey! A tired phrase for my tired sentiments.

So like when Matthew said to just sit in tight and although I was really cheered up by talking to him, I was really thinking: Sit in tight? What for? And he also told me not to make this the most important thing in my life, (which in retrospect, is a rather late piece of advice but thanks all the same) and I'm like, how? This kinda is. Unfortunately, this was sort of the holy grail and unfortunately, the driving force behind all the things I've been doing for the past two years. Not that it constantly thundered through my thoughts and motives, but it was always there you know? The undercurrent in the stream of consciousness and all that shit.

You know I thought the disappointment would have stung a lot more. I'm guessing I'm still in the area of denial and I suppose, am waiting for the dam to breach. Then an almighty wave, a crest of emotion!

Although this nothingness is a more apt funeral for dashed hopes. What else would describe so well its replacement?