i feel thoroughly sickened.

i was on my mental Rant-Loop thing whining to myself about how i actualy like going to school but HATE the exams when it finally dawned upon me the reason for this absolute loathe.

in very typical izyanti reasoning, i hate it because well, it exposes all your weaknesses and makes me realize in very blunt terms that i am an incompetent student. how very reassuring. on usual days, i live with the innocent[?] delusion that i am doing fine in school because i know that i am not stupid. then the exam results come around and it just inconveniently CONTRADICTS this happy mantra.

grk!

and our grading system as we all know, is crap and every exam that we take only serves to re-inforce this! an A is excellent, B is good and C is average. why is then that we MUST get an A, a B is still frowned on and a C? shame on you! let's not even talk about the unmentionable grades, those are kept in the cobwebby regions of Academic Hell.

something must be wrong if i'm getting technically 'good' grades but still feel [figuratively, of course] like dying. finding a convenient hole to crawl in to just die.

so all that we have learnt, being students in Singapore and slaves to meritocracy is that 'good' just does not make the cut. we have to be the BEST and even then, you have to be the Bestest-Best to get into all the elite schools. my sour grapes say this is utterly unfair. i sulk being told that i do not deserve getting into this and that, and that i am not good enough because the annoying Voice in my head is convinced that contrary to what my grades prove, i deserve it. such is the extent of my delusions. it's as if i have two voices; the realistic one who accepts my mediocrity and the one who is really annoying with her constant Little Train That Could chant.

i have not failed to take note that if i were getting the As so desired, i will not be complaining. at all.

















my brain consists of one entire synapse.

and now am perturbed that i have exposed for all the world to see that i am nothing more than an angsty teenager upset with her mediocre school performance. oh whoopeedoo, i feel very special indeed. on a brighter note, the DV15 cookie is up; but that too upsets me because cassandra claire is becoming increasingly slashy. *sighs*

i think i'll go and have some cheese and Ribena to cheer myself up. it won't result in world peace or settle US politics once and for all, but pbbt!