69 231.

the number of words i've put into this blog. tis only a rough estimate, but still. a bit less than 6 month worths of entries and rants.

that's a lot is it not?

i was transferring my entries to Words with the idea of printing it out and binding it, cuz well, i keep my diaries and 69 000 words are a lot that i dont want to be left rotting in cyberspace. i balked however at the thought of printing out 205 pages of at times, incoherent ramblings.

and it occured to me then, that my thoughts and rants would convert into a tangible form - for some reason, i am..appalled/awed by this concept.

translucent wisps nanoseconds of thought immortalized by ink and paper. i've never really realized the awesome factor of writing. imagine writing something today and a century later, still being read by people.

all the Great Authors, weilding such power in their seemingly simple pens [keyboards now i suppose]. the ability to evoke tears, wrath, pain and even more wonderfully, waken the conscious AND conscience.

i wonder how anne frank feels.
violated at first. then flattered, i'm sure.

and i wonder, when they first invented words, did it ever occur to them the impact and simply, the possibilities within these mere letters?

the power to sway
to seduce with melodious cajoling words of love
to provoke with caustic scathing remarks of disdain
the possibility of creating laughter
to make war

to brainwash too.

hmm.
am bored with this musing and am starting to think i am delving too much into the matter. must stop before brain self-combusts from an overload of sudden introspection.
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pondering my mirth at being casually [read: unconfirmed] asked to emcee Speech Day. as my friend pointed out, its all very official business and uh, as we all know, is a LOT [again, read: majority] reading out names of various over-achieving frreaks.

it is a very very Establishment event.

[a whole hour has passed cuz i drifted off tangent to read the transcript for eternal sunshine. haha joel. a bit messy at times when you can see where editting has done much good but LOTS of unseen scenes and in a way, the tying of loose threads. still moves me, reading the flick. *ponders*]

anyway, yes, my perturbing mirth at being involved in said event.

i suppose in a way, i am happy that i've been accepted by the majority. more like, they know my worth.

i dont seek approval, what i want -always have, even as a kid- is recognition. or are they the same thing? i'm not very sure, i wish someone would tell me. tell me the Truth; that i'm no more than the attention-seeking, self-centred actor that i fear i am.

though i like being different -adore it, breathe it and live by it-, the feeling itself irks me at the same time. Metaphor Moment: like a sweater that's so soft and cuddly but really uncomfortably warm.

i want to be accepted by the majority, but not be part of it. yeah, i think that's it.

how very annoying.
the way we all are. organisms [i've always thought this word's similarity to the word orgasm funny. i see a link between the two somehow] of myriad facets..how very complicated and befuddling.
see, one facet does not maketh a person. i don't see how you can understand a person, cuz to do that you would have to assimilate ALL the facets don't you? and honestly, even if you had the time, patience and mental capacity to do so without a smidge of the very annoying Judgement, which person in his right mind would ever expose his core and every fibre of his being to you?

some facets are clear and shown, displayed for all to see.
and some are left and meant to be smudged shadowed and hidden. rusty. to try change this - that would change the person too would it not?

i suppose this is why i always hold the way people say I Understand You with much doubt and yes at times, disdain.

how can you?

and i'm really rambling. but no matter.

my point is, you can't understand a person because you don't know what follow his train of thought since its linked to so many things that you cant possibly fathom because he himself isn't aware of it.

*sighs* and yes, i am aware that my ending point is COMPLETELY different from the starting point of my ramble. again, to you it's illogical cuz you can't see my train of thought but the direction where this is going makes perfect sense to me.






you know, i wanted to blog about a kinda funny anecdote of my childhood. but yeah well, another day i suppose. too bad hey, you had to endure my philosophical phase which i believe, is muchos less entertaining than me being irrelevently ludicrous.