because we're camwhores.


really funny sticker. see this is what good street art/vandalism should be about!


It seemed that today was destined to be Hazri's Funny Face Day!









Guest starring our favourite kiwi(half)import - matthew crawshaw!



who can be perfectly normal, i swear.







quite an suggestive picture, if not for the camera in his hands. (darn!)

and because i really am quite inept when placed in front of the camera - when lacking in subtlety, blind them with dramatics!




would have gone all the way to the top if i knew i was already half way up - another time then!


not that you didn't know already, but just in case you need reminding...


it was quite funny, how skate-punk-mat went up to slightly gawky/geeky tourist and started an earnest conversation. hullo mat-skater who finally managed an ollie that night!

contrary to popular belief, our primary intention was not to camwhore (gasp!), but to see my cousin Dhaniah's band, My Writes, open for Mocca's gig at the Arts House.


Dhaniah and guitarist, uh, sean/shawn?


and the other guitarist, Zul!

#As seen in matthew's lj, but with some fiddling:

"It's a rock."
"I know."


LOVE THIS PHOTO MATTHEW CRAWSHAW. like, best ever, you with shaky hands.


*hugs hazri for taking such a nice photo of me*




What a lovely weekend.

i think i should mention that a few days ago, somebody returned My Lost Library Book.













singaporeans are lovely people!


i think it's odd and even silly of us people to be constantly oscillating from feeling fine, then being hit with an onslaught of loneliness. the crazy thing is that people feel this way, even when they circulate among enough social spheres to make up the solar system. you would think that we would have figured out by now that humans are inevitably quite alone as individuals and be okay with that - but of course the biggest joke in the universe is that we were made social creatures.

on another random note, unconditional love may be the highest form of love simply because it's the most difficult. not to obtain, since that is oddly, relatively quite accessible - but that unconditional love will stand, enduring all the resentment, anger and guilt that now and then surfaces, things that co-exist with love. it is crazy how we associate pain with greatness.

i think we're nuts.

and sometimes, sometimes, i found myself saying this on new year's eve to myself, i just want to be happy. not that i find currently find myself in torrid anguish and DESPAIR (haha, inside joke!), but i would like to be happy, in the simplest way. and maybe, because this would be nice for once, not have to think of other's happiness first. i am quite tired, rather.

i feel awful.

i've been reading this brilliant book called The Buddha-tree by Fumio Niwa and the author's observations and portrayal of human weakness, hypocrisy and religion is so deftly handled and if i do manage to get that lit S paper, this book would definitely be a book i'd critique.

except that i've lost it.

and it's a library book.

IT'S SO HORRID, I WAS (rather) UPSET THE WHOLE DAY. first of all, because it's a library book and it's going to cost so much to pay for it, and i will be paying for it cos i borrowed it on my brother's card. secondly, i haven't finished reading it! now i feel so incomplete and well, dangling. usually i wouldn't be so affected, save for the monetary aspect, but augh i want to know how it ends! the characters are formed so poignantly, i really love the japanese sense of aesthetics where everything is handled in a stoic manner, so quiet and dignified which only makes it more beautiful.

so much heart pain! just thinking about the book being on the dirty bus floor AUGH. i've never felt so heavy-hearted over a lost book before.

i've been lugging it around with me for some time and likewise, this morning on the way to school. on the bus, i fell asleep and suddenly! the uncle sitting beside me is furiously tapping my shoulder because woah i've reached school and all other felloe cjc students were filing out of the bus. very flustered and harried, i sprung up saying thankyouthankyouexcusemeexcuseme and got off the bus.

forgetting that the book was in my lap.

and no, i've already called SMRT - almost immediately - and they said the bus driver didn't find anything, nor had anyone returned it to the interchange counter. this, despite the fact that i had valuable information like knowing that i got off the bus at exactly 07:25. i suppose someone could have found it, the nice uncle maybe, and is on the way to returning it to a library near you? i hope so. do you think? so much heartache.

the worse thing is that the reason why i was so sleepy was because i was watching (finally!) The Talented Mr. Ripley the night before and i suppose this is very overdue but oh my, that movie is brilliant and painful and oh oh. so now, by an unfortunate habit, i'm going to always associate the movie with this loss.

<3-ache!

it's odd how a relatively trivial thing like losing a book can have this much emotional impact. is it trivial though?

you people don't tag anymore.

usually, this would make me quite sad but not this time round - and it's not because i've suddenly gained immense self-confidence and no longer need the assurance that: you like me, you really like me! the truth is simple.

FRANZ FERDINAND, HERE I COME!

also, it has dawned on me that i am quite mad, jumping into doing so many things at the same time when there's only one of me and 24 hours in a day. the problem is of course, i love it! it's crazy and insane but dear god help me, i feel most alive when i'm running around with a packed schedule and buzzing from all that multi-tasking. it's such a thrill, and is quite exciting.

even though in all that buzz, sometimes i feel like dying and i wonder: i am a giant macedamia. A HUGE NUT. and i start thinking like my mom, along the lines of shrill are you crazy?! you're going to burn out and come home exhausted everyday and just completely crash. which is completely true. then sometimes i think the voice in my head that is actually my mother is quite right as well, and i am tempted to take it easy, be like a normal person with some slack CCA and just stroll through school life without jumping at every door that opens and enthusiastically nodding YES I'LL DO IT, even though at the back of my mind, that very voice that is my mother is frantically gesticulating for me to say No.

my mother compares me to small cc engine. to continue that metaphor, she thinks i'm behaving like say, a Benz when i am in fact, a rusty old Toyota Starlet. Which by the way, in the very like event that i will not be able to afford a 1957 Volkswagon Beetle, will be my car of choice. it's a very boxy little car, usually smelly because it's second-hand and completely lacks the glamour that its name suggests. i find this very funny. i will name my car something along the lines of a atypical 1950s starlet as well, like Scarlett Davis.

A somewhat mandatory post for the new year. I would post pictures, but am too lazy and tired, it is 04:34AM. Do cross your fingers that the late night and lack of sleep will not cause me to trail into a rambling mass of sentimentality though strangely, i feel inclined to rambling today, or tonight, how can it be morning when it's not day? i am quite tired of being forcing myself to be so restrained in what is written here.

strange, that this attempt in achieving some degree of maturity means beginning to ignore or censoring what you really want to do, say or feel. i should have known that's what growing up is all about.

This year, was an emotional buffet.

Terribly brilliant, and brilliantly terrible - what was simply awesome was that it was incredibly intense, and here i am being Ms. Superlative again but maybe that was what the past 365 days were: a superlative year.

I loved it.

The year was great because of the EBS – simply because they were completely non-school related. Originating from CAP05, which was also brilliant in its odd and tedious way with its never-ending plenaries and not-too-great workshops but who cares when out of it, we had pseudo teeniegoth poetry, and actually WON the poetry reading contest with it (which says something about the latter in itself) and then there was the delirious sleepless nights (though Hazri would have to beg to differ on this point, since all he did was sleep) and the Adventures of Super-orgy Man and clover and cranberry <3 and I don’t know, that funny sperm whale that janice draws.

Then there were of course the sleepover/movie marathons – of which I missed half of the last one RAWR. But awesome nevertheless, and yes, life-changing what with brilliant movies watched and equally brilliant (though occasionally comatose) company.

Top 3 movies:
Old Boy
28 Days Later
Requiem For A Dream

Bottom Movies:
Monty Python's Holy Grail
Donnie Darko (admittedly, a cut version that caused it to suck, janice says. We believe her.)

AND ALL THAT CAMWHORING. more, please.

oh there are so many things i want to talk about but it really would be too long to chronicle everything and the only reason why there's a substantial chunk on the EBS is because i jotted it down earlier when i was thinking about making this post, please don't hate me, people i have neglected!

so here's what i'm going to do; a whole list of names, in no particular order, my own People of 2005. I know it's not exactly the Times magazine, or even a trashy but lovable and strangely alluring tabloid but yeah. If you spot your name, well, yay you!:
charmaine matthew gennie nadya hazri vincent janice zara jennifer jeremy steffi tash myPWgroup bern aini cjdebatepeople yasmin theslutposse cjdramapeople dhaniah anisha.

oh boy, that was a briefer list than anticipated.

and yet it doesn't quite do any justice to all the things that are behind those names and why they're there. like for zara, because you're one of my closest friends in cj and i can really talk to you and wouldn't know what to do without you and hey, look! i'm writing what i meant to put it your christmas card that i never got around to making (sorry) but anyhow, it's lovely to have someone to obsess over art materials with (BATTERY-OPERATED ERASER ZOMG) without getting weird stares from other people and telling you about my paranoia and vice-versa and never feeling the fear of being judged as a complete psychopath because i know you understand and thank you for that, you are the nicest person i've ever known and i think you managed to make me nicer, somehow. love you muchly.

and gennie, even though you flew off to canada and have to yourself haagen daz in your school cafetaria while i stare with much melancholy at sad, dismal sugar donuts, i'm glad we're still friends and we've come a long way baby! it's amazing that after all these years, we can still meet up and still make sense in the same wavelenghth.

cjdebatepeople, even though none of you read this, save for the inactive nadya (haha), well, you're in that list because debating was just intense and made me want to die and i spent those dark dark times with you guys, and came out of it still liking all of you despite my nasty habit to lump unpleasant events with the people that came along with it so hurrah! glad that we were sharing the same leaky boat.

charmaine! why wouldn't you be there in that list? in all fully meant cheesiness - best friends forever. even though you never tag. tag! i think that phonecall just about redeemed all the distance and drifting we had this year, thank you.

oh this is horrid i'm falling into that overused pattern of short tributes for almost everybody - i think what we can learn from this is that if i ever win an award, it'll be a long speech i'll be giving and they'll probably take away my newly-loved plastic, gilted statuette and ruin my $15 This Fashion dress by pelting me with assorted fruit. if it helps do stock up on fruits i like: raspberries and cranberries. which brings me to the first person i converted into cranberry<3 - matthew. you wouldn't think i would actually write a whole Chronicles of 2005 without a proper mention of you, did you? So, to the person who still annoys me almost as much as he did when we weren't really friends, but somehow i put up with it (i.e. being so anal, stubborn, sometimes cranky, being perpetually busy) because we are friends now, and great ones at that and this should be a cue for some epic and dramatic soundtrack, because this year was that, wasn't it? It's an odd way to put it and i don't quite mean it in a blase way, but in addition to everything else: it's been nice talking. And i'm not only being nice because i owe you money. Damn.




So here's to 2006!

I suppose three consecutive meme-only entries is quite sad, so in response to being vaguely prodded by various people for this shameful behaviour, I shall blog properly and not rely on memes that are in a way, the instant brownie mix for blog entries.

But I love instant brownie mix, and am guilty on relying on them for a quick chocolate fix. And besides, performing the miracle of adding water, oil and eggs, and popping it into the oven is such an easy way of making people happy that I just succumb. The thing is, I don’t quite understand baking. I can cook, and cook rather well – it’s more instinctive but baking!

Everytime I’ve tried baking, and have tried enough times to be able to say that I have tried, it’s been an almost-disaster and the fact that the end-product rather falls short of AMAZING just annoys me.

Like this one time out of boredom and poor mathematical skills, I baked cookies but had to reconfigure the measurements with no help from Internet conversion tables. I ended up with a disproportionately monumental amount of batter, too many cookies that took nearly more than a month to consume (and throw) and batter remnants up the mixer.

And so, I would like to extend a thank you to the fictional Betty Crocker. (Because did you know, the character was created to make the brand more friendly to the housewife consumer group. Marketing works wonders, it does.)


In the course of a conversation with a friend I have not been able to talk to properly in a long time, I, or we, realized that the problem with me is that I think people will behave the way I do and the reason for this is that my brain thinks it to be the logical thing.

What if that happens? Why wouldn’t it, that’s what I would or think I would do!

And therein lies the crux of all my paranoia. A major case in point here would be when social insecurity hits, primarily when I feel as if I have been left out. Now, in all clarity of thought, I do eventually realize that a) its usually unintentional, and b) I probably imagined the whole thing anyhow!

The reason why I get so paranoid that people (who matter a lot to me) are drifting away, and perhaps, don’t care for me as much as I do for them is because the truth is, I am guilty of this. On the ridiculous basis that because I somehow can and have easily distance and detach myself from friends, others can and will too. That suddenly we’re not so close anymore, and you won’t mind – because as cruel as it may be, I’m like that, too often when a friendship starts drifting.

It’s definitely not nice, and I do feel guilty at times but that doesn’t negate the fact that it comes easily for me. So people who have been my friends, and still are my friends for these past few years – inner circle people, inner circle.

And the terrible irony is that it would kill me if you do to me what I’ve been consistently doing all this while.

I don’t even know why I’m telling everybody this. Exhibitionism is a masochistic thing – it’s as if I want you to know how ugly I am. Not because I want you to by reflex, deny my convictions; I don’t think assurance from people is what I’m looking for. It’s crazy but I think I just want you to know: look, I’m a horrible person. It’s not because I’m proud of it, which is a disturbing and discomforting thought because it’s too alike to attention-seeking teeniegoths displaying their penknife scratches.

I’m dissecting myself in front of you because I want you to know me.
isn't it why you read this blog, after all?

because i've been tagged, and really memes are very good blog-fillers when you don't quite have much to say but need to wipe the dust of your blog

Five Weird/Random Things About Izyanti Asaari.

1) I have gone through many different phases. i have been goth, some-what punk and preppy. And before random people start flaming me for being a poser, let me just state that (i) at that point of time when i was in that phase, i really did feel it. then, i grew out of it and moved on. deal with it. (ii) it's just FASHION, god. you dress to suit your mood, which is why i occasionally still do dress up likewise. (iii) besides, i look good. so there.

2) christmas is a time where i make things for people. post-christmas is a time where many projects lie around in my room incomplete: half-painted, half-sewn, half-assembled. why do i feel this year is going to be the same?

3) i have an attention span of a chipmunk (see above) and the fact that i think i can do anything (weird really, considering that i fail a lot too) doesn't help this because the moment something gets kinda iffy, and i get bored, i moooove on because i think the next project is way more interesting and that i would definitely pwnz that. leaving behind me a trail of half-finished projects.

4) i am only completely and thoroughly comfortable being group leader even if it is hectic and chaotic and i want to die, because at least i'm in control instead of under (or waiting for) the instruction of others.

this is also the reason why i am wont to get in trouble with Disciplinarian Figures Of Authority, especially when they're incompetent because i'm way too busy thinking of how i'd do a better job than them to be respecting their Authority - and what do you mean she can suspend me when she's so (note: this is relative, of course) incompetent!

i don't mind being a worker, and sometimes its a relief and quite fun knowing that the complete ruination of a project is not on your shoulder, but i function better on top *cough*

5) i don't like giant big group outings, and i think going out with friends in groups of more than 5 people borders on useless, especially when it simply means taking an extensively long time to decide on something moronically simple like Where To Eat. this also means that i suspect that given power, i might be a closet tyrant/control freak quite akin to good old LKY. but i bet you guys know that already. *beams*

Seven Defining Songs*

1. As long as that's true; Skin
2. Everything will be all right; The Killers
3. Not for all the love in the world; The Thrills
4. Maybe tomorrow; Stereophonics
5. Stay; Lisa Loeb
6. Lately; Stevie Wonder
7. The second part; The Dears.

*at this current point of time, of course

a long long time ago, hazri told me about the You Are Beautiful movement (see: http://www.livejournal.com/community/arebeautiful), and i finally visited the site today and yes it is very sweet and the wheels in my head are already spinning madly for ideas.

but it just made me realize - its odd how we feel the need to be told that we are beautiful. it doesn't even matter whether i'm talking about being physically beautiful or politically correct inner beauty because the point here is that more often than not, being told that people accept you, and in a sense, love you, is something that humans always seek.

now that i've put it in terms of love and acceptance, it does seem like a rather 'duh' situation but i still think its strange how we're almost engineered to need the acceptance from others to make us feel good about ourselves.

because i feel like it (condensed from jeanie)

What did you do the last time you were in school?
i kicked pw to the curb with finally getting OP over and done with! i think its kinda cool that nationwide, all jc students recognize the forementioned acronyms with much drear drudgery, but NO MORE HURRAH.

Who was the last who sent you an sms?
My primary school friend who's rather sad because she thinks that we won't go out for hari raya this year. that would be a...5 year tradition finally being broken.

Are you good in your studies?
I think i am, the examiners apparently think otherwise.

Who was the last who said "Love You"?
Hm. Actually, charmaine who said she loved me bestest after i passed her my mum's pineapple tarts. She's very easily bribed, that girl, and it would be completely shameful save for the fact that the reason why we are besties is because I AM EASILY BRIBED TOO. hurhur.

What do you call yourself?
Eville Overlord of the Mystic Realm of the Dusty Curtains. actually, despite the more popular(?) variation of my name that i go by with, in the moments that i am uh, talking to myself, i call myself yanti.

What song are you listening to now?
In my head, right now, Do You Wanna by franz ferdinand. and yes, just hey do ya, do ya do ya wanna hey do ya, do ya do ya wannahey do ya, do ya do ya wannahey do ya, do ya do ya wannahey do ya, do ya do ya wanna NEED TO GET FULL LYRICS NOW.

Are you in trouble?
Considering that i have NOT finished reading the THREE chapter long Heart of Darkness, - yes, it's that tough to get through - maybe.

Have you been HeartBroken before?
hehe. why the caps? oddly, i don't think so, no.

How many As do i think i can get?
Three please! somehow i will wrangle As for art, lit and gp. yes, i do take econs.

Missing Someone?
yes.

What day is today?
Sunday going on Monday..in 4 minutes

Do kids love me?
Sometimes. Sometimes they hate me and don't want to play with me and i feel so horrible it's like kindergarten all over again.

Are you Caring, Loving and Tender?
hehe caps again! yes, but now you're making me feel like an overemotional slab of steak.

but i love being organized!

i've already thought about it and in my future place, i would separate my laundry according to dark, light, colour and to-be-handwashed not before it gets thrown in the laundry, but in the beginning baskets! i'm thinking four rattan baskets with lids arranged perfectly outside the toilets. such anal organization! i smile just thinking about it!

it's like how right now, the certain section of my wardrobe where you hang clothes is all hung according to colour. and no, this isn't just blue goes there, red goes there etc etc, but shade and nuances of colour are noted so it all blends from one colour into another and oh oh it is just brilliant.

its like how my t-shirts are arranged from white to gray and with much dismay, i had to jump to navy blue and then dark grey and finally black. and in the corner would be my bright yellow spongebob tee because i didn't know where to put it.

and the pens on my desk are in two canisters, colour then black&greyscale.

and the most enjoyable part of studying for me is getting all my notes in one big ring folder and then categorizing it with plastic sticky tabs and post-it notes. it is just so lovely to look at.

and in the daily planner that the school gave/sold us, i mark each day i meet up with a certain group of people with a different sticker. (the EBS is a ladybug.) realllly good days are marked with assorted puffy stickers of vintage vehicles.

if i couldn't draw, i'd be writing a lot more bad prose and even worse poetry.

i'm rather proud of these:







oh my lovely converse sneakers bought in malaysia at a steal.

here's the pitch - see, i'm getting rather broke nowadays what with all the funding art materials need as well as saving up for overseas ed. you've seen my work, and i think it's pretty decent and hey, i WANT to draw on your shoes if you'd like me to. for a nominal sum, though.

HENCE AND THEREFORE, prod me through the usual avenues and save me!

i feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

so this is what it feels like, not having anymore PW to be troubled with. even the air smells fresher.

actually, today's presentation was a control freak's nightmare, because something DID go wrong, and it was something that was beyond this freak's control. the speakers in the classroom did not work.

but we got over that, in about half an hour of staring at our toes, fiddling with our cue cards after giving up on twiddling with the wires and switches ourselves, and waiting for the chief technician, otherwise known to me and zara as The Administrator, to do his magic. not smooth sailing, but it went well enough.

you know how when you use school computers, and sometimes you want to do things like i don't know, illegal porn downloading programmes, this annoying pop-up comes up and reminds you that you are not the Administrator and therefore, should not have the audacity to feign such authority? yes well, zara and i once came up with this paranoid conspiracy theory about the truth of the Administrator's existence and to cut the story short, it went along with the plotline of the Matrix. but it's interesting isn't it, that at times, people yield to authority because we GIVE them the authority to exert that authority over us.

at least, that's how i see power as.

now that i am rather chatty, i think i'll give a full length reply to mel's tag in response to my art = comparatively trivial comment. i had a feeling that statement would illicit a response from her.

so here goes:

i admit that saying what i did, without justification (rather odd that i automatically feel the need to do this) - it was a strong statement i made. if i read it myself, on someone else's blog, i would feel a twinge too.

but you know, i still stand by what i said.

art by itself, is not trivial, and obviously, anyone who has the notion that the arts is a rather unneccesary aspect of life is for lack of finer terminology, an idiot.

the reason why i think that it at times pales in comparison to medicine is for the fact that doctors well, save lives. and that ability i feel subconsciously creates a link to our inner psyche that it is an ability that is god-like. the thing is i suppose, humans will unfailingly connect more immediately with the physical, the tangible - and life (or the absence of it) is rather tangible, and the mere fact that a doctor is able to do something that is semblance of what god can, is pretty amazing.

literature can be brilliant, and visual art..well, there's a reason why its in image form because the way good art can move you is almost undefinable in words. i think the arts enhances life and gives us that crucial connection with our emotional selves. but still, without a heartbeat, what's the point of being in touch with your heart?

(we can still argue on this if you want mel! or maybe after your As, hm.)

[end]

so that's that. i just watched 3-Iron with my dad's awesome sennheiser headphones (note to self, must watch eternal sunshine, yes again, with said headphones). my home's sound system never sounded so good!

anyway, i just wanted to say that we COULD have watched it without subtitles the last time janice's DVD remote control apparently refused to co-operate because guess what? THE MOVIE HAS HARDLY ANY DIALOGUE.

which is not a flaw in itself, but you know, just pointing it out. it WAS a good movie and perhaps, occupies its own spot in my mental shelf of Brilliant Love-centered Movies To Note. if moulin rouge was tragic, and eternal sunshine terribly poignant, 3-Iron would be enigmatic.

its the very silence of the protagonists that draws this tension, kind of like a guitar string being tightened and maybe my only half-whinge is that at times, it gets a bit tiresome waiting for that string to be finally plucked, and when it finally is, you're not that quite sure because it wasn't as mind-assailing as all that anticipation had lead you to believe.

that was a very long sentence.

because there was hardly any dialogue, its a given that they were very challenging roles for the actors (i can't remember korean names =\), and though i think the acting was very good in general, especially the actress who currently plays the japanese woman in Lost, it did have the tendency to have some moments that didn't quite ring through. the guy especially in his crazed moments at the end, and i don't fault him that he was not able to exactly pin-point what his character ought to be because that character is mystery personified, so how do you define something that is meant to be undefinable?

its a movie that did manage to capture an enigmatic atmosphere - when you're not completely sure why things are happening, but in a good way unlike an incredibly bad movie like Creep where i was too busy thinking 'wtf?' to be scared by the zombie-like apparition.

it was that it felt like a dream, and it being practically without speech very much contributed to this. you know how in dreams its not actual words that are spoken but just what i imagine to be a linear stream of emotions as dialogue? yes, that. and alike to dreams, you are just compelled to watch it because in its silence, you're in it.

everybody's falling ill,

my grandma's in the hospital with some odd fever of unknown cause that refuses to go away, and both my sister and brother have pretty high temperatures too.

i am officially Florence Nightingale until my dad comes home from work in a few hours. its one thing to fall ill yourself, but pretty scary watching everybody else being attacked by foreign pathogens. and rather scary too, when their depending on you to take care of them - not so for the siblings, cos that's probably just the common flu. but when it came to my grandma, when the other day it was just me and my mum with her, and she was really frail and my mum had to leave the room to get something, i was actually for a moment caught in this fear that something would happen, and oh god its only me in the room WHAT WOULD I DO.

and then i figured that i was the oldest kid in the family, so in the future, when a similar situation were to happen, i'd have to be the responsible one and i don't even know anything about hospital admission, or bills or Medisave/Medishield (yes, i know we learnt about it in social studies, but that is not the point!)

i hope i won't screw up.

then the other day, i accompanied my mum to the hospital, when they just sent my grandma there and seeing all the well-meaning but rather blur (it was 3am), i kinda realized: just what the hell am i doing?

a GRAPHIC DESIGNER/ILLUSTRATOR?

just how in the world is that going to contribute to society, apart from making things aesthetically-pleasing, which when people are DYING, means nothing at all. so, i'm going to have to do something about that aspect, yes. i mean, i've thought about it before, in the hypothetical situation of scholarship interviews, and they ask 'how do you feel, can you contribute to society?'

and i would and still, draw a blank. it would, i suppose, help develop the growth of the design/art/culture environment in sterilesingapore, which is somewhat important, but relatively trivial in comparison.

so, i'm proud of you gennie the Future Doctor. i didn't use to really understand your sudden switch in careerpath, but i think now i do =)



my sister just yelled from upstairs for three ice-cubes, so i suppose she must be feeling better.

so, capital punishment huh.

isn't it just a little odd that the only time singapore's judicial system is thrown into the limelight is when it is being put into action against a non-singaporean. it's as if we deem it perfectly fine for our government to prosecute and execute its own citizen, but start to question the justification of our laws when it is applied to others.

i think that the case of australian drug trafficker being prosecuted here, and the case for the abolishment of capital punishment are rather different issues actually.

do i protest sole execution of the viet-australian? no. because as sad as his story may be, my stance stands firm that he made an informed choice when agreeing to carry the heroin knowing that singapore is well-known for being supremely cruel on matters like these. he made a calculated risk, and TOOK the risk and i would think it ridiculous not wanting to accept the consequences when you decided to risk it. so yes, on the basis that the law for capital punishment exists, and he knew about it, yes i think it logical (if cold) that he be prosecuted.

but whether the law should exist at all - now that's a different matter. ruling out capital punishment for murder cases (that's another barrel of fish), i do think that execution for drug trafficking is unjustifiably harsh based on the fact that the only evidence needed for prosecution is possesion. which, excuse me, is absolutely ridiculous since the likelihood of being wrongly charged with DEATH is incredibly high.

now, i'm not sure with singapore's judicial system, but my dad says that being prosecuted and convicted are two different things and that when it's a death penalty (how trivial, the word), they'll be uber-vigilant in ensuring that all reasonable doubt is cleared out but here's how i feel:

I DON'T KNOW. do you?

how many drug trafficking cases do you keep track off, and we don't actually KNOW whether they have some shred of mercy to check and fight for or whether they just shove you under that ugly label of being a drug trafficker because seriously, who in singapore's brilliant efficient beauracracy is willing to spare the effort and fight against the flow of efficiency? i'm more than willing to be proved wrong, but right now, i'm inclined to think that a system so clinical and thoroughly merciless, does not have the time to make sure that its right.

i know that seems like a dubious paradox and gosh, i hope i'm wrong.

capital punishment for drug trafficking is unjustifiably harsh - he doesn't really need to die. i understand that singapore has to take all effort in ensuring that we don't become a central trafficking port because of our oh-so-convenient geographical location but unlike murder where the shady, but existing logic of retributive penalties stands, the death penalty for trafficking seems like over-reacting. which, isn't too far from how singaporeans usually behave.

it could be argued, logically, that the drug trafficker does kill and ruin more lives than the one murder, but gosh, why not prosecute all the tobbaco companies then? they've killed a lot more people via lung cancer AND they get paid for it too. i think i'm going off-tangent -

[tangent]
should tobbaco companies be prosecuted! under the logic that in most countries, cannabis heroin marijuana is illegal, i don't see why not but hey, they're still standing making bajillions and bajillions of money out of people slowly killing themselves and others around them. the world is just odd, i'll give you all a call once i figure it out - don't hold your breath though.

so taking drugs is bad, smoking is bad, but so's refined sugar!

(i did a project on refined sugar in secondary four, and yeah it just kills your liver.)

[end tangent]

wait, lemme just take a sip of my coke.

now where was i?

Mr. Nguyen i think, has to accept the death sentence. that is the cold truth in this situation, and you know, the agenda behind the australian government's protest is that somebody in there, wants to put singapore in the humanitarian hot seat. a government, rather notorious for being racist, defending a vietnamese immigrant for a crime he is in most certainty guilty off? maybe it IS time that we be given this seat, but do i have a feeling nothings going to change.

but on a whole, and not based on his case, capital punishment for trafficking needs to be reviewed. after all, rapists are let loose back into society after a few years.

sungguh menakjubkan!

ya, saya sedang menulis dalam bahasa melayu dan sebab perkara yang sangat ajaib dan juga lucu ini adalah kerana esok adalah peperiksaan bahasa melayu saya. saya telah menghafalkan berbelas-belas peribahasa dan kini, sedang berbual dengan yasmin si lelaman MSN juga dalam bahasa melayu - sungguh lucu!

kami telah mereka beberapa frasa baru untuk buat demikian, yaitu:
KDK - ketawa dengan kuat
KSBAL - ketawa sambil bergolek atas lantai.
ANI - apa neraka ini

saya kini sedang berasa agak sedih. ramai kawan-kawan saya menghadapi supp paper, atau akan ditendang keluar sekolah. terutama sekali mereka dalam kelas melayu saya. hampir setengah menghadapi situasi tersebut. sesungguhnya, =(

pada awak tahun ini, saya tidak sangka kita akan menjadi kawan kerabat, tetapi jika perkara yang buruk akhirnya berlaku, saya akan merindu mereka. perkara seharian, seperti bergelak di dalam kelas dengan cikgu hanisah, atau dengan solikin yang sangat pandai dalam bahasa, ataupun pada hari Racial Harmony apabila yasmin dan hafiz dikahwinkan - sungguh meriah! terutama sekali, kumpulan Slut Posse: Yasmin, Ili, Jennifer dan saya. bersama, kita bercadang untuk mengambil tindakan terhadap seseorang lelaki yang amat comel tetapi sedihnya, kita tidak pernah diberi peluang untuk melakukannya. sesungguhnya, kita memang lembu dogol (orang yang penakut dan hanya cakap banyak sahaja). tetapi, tidak apa-apa! =)



A ROUGH TRANSLATION FOR THE ODD INCIDENT THAT IS THE ENTRY IN MALAY:

how strange!

yes, i am writing in malay and the reason for this strange and funny thing is that it is in preperation for my malay exams tomorrow. i have memorized tens of proverbs, and am now conversing with yasmin on MSN in malay! it is very funny!

we have come up with several new phrases to do so, and they are:
KDK - ketawa dengan kuat/LOL - laugh out loud
KSBAL - ketawa sambil bergolek atas lantai/ ROFL - rolling on the floor laughing
ANI - apa neraka ini/WTH - what the hell

i feel quite sad. a good number of my friends are facing supp papers or worse, being kicked out of school. especially friends from my malay class. almost half of them are facing this situation. it is truly =(

this year, i never expected us to become such god friends and if the unfortunate was to happen, i'll miss them a hell lot. the daily things, like joking in class with cikgu hanisah, or solikin who is SO GOOD in malay he makes us look horrible, and racial harmony day when hafiz and yasmin got married - such fun! and especially our Slut Posse (started when i apparently made a good impression of those coy pornstars in online popups - don't ask) comprising of Ili, Yasmin, Jennider and I. together, we conspired ploys concerning a certain cute guy (he is la!) but sadly, we never got the oppurtunity to materialize our ploys. we are such 'dogol' cows (cowards who only know how to talk big), but no matter! =)

END TRANSLATION.

so yeah, i realize only the handful of malay-comprehending people i know will be able to read the malay post.

first of all, I CAN'T STAND SEEING OVER-ACHIEVING PEOPLE.

i mean, really. so this kiddies, is the danger of random flipping through online journals because you never know when one single entry will hit you and make you feel so small and miserable like you would never believe. i'm not going to mention names, but geez this person is just - augh. they should have a warning label for entries like that man:

"Volatile. May cause temporary, but intense damage to your self-esteem. Stay away, you insecure things!"

it's just nuts. huge macadamias!

especially since i got my promo results all presented to me properly today on a piece of paper and i cannot honestly say there is one single grade that i'm proud of, which you know, is just shit. because a C for lit, although decent, was a complete FLUKE. its a C that i didn't deserve at all because all my other essays were complete shit, and it was only through one miraculous essay that was able to pull the rest up to a C-average.

this makes me very angry.

and obviously, i am under some extent of emotional duress because not only is my period 2 weeks early (sorry guys, but yeah its a pretty siginificant point), but i've been having a more continuous onslaught of the most weird-ass dreams! like the other day, i watched people hurtle themselves down from a collapsing construction crane and then yesterday, SERIOUSLY TOUCH WOOD, i dreamt my grandfather died and it was horrid how emotionally accurate it all was.

and then today, in class, my thumb started twitching for a whole fuhreaking minute. i just sat there, staring at my twitching thumb.

god, i am in such a mess.

but let's focus on the good things in life shall we? i just had a whole tube of cadbury milk chocolate. tomorrow, we're going to film our shortfilm for our OPW, and it all sounds very promising. we're trying to round up a team for this awesome shortfilm competition, and that's pretty cool too althought it might involve kidnapping SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE WAY TOO OCCUPIED BY DRAMA REHEARSALS. i've got a whole line-up of projects planned, and all i need to exceute them is some discipline and a bit of money. i'm doing okay in school, and i don't think people have rallied around to form a committee to throw rocks at me yet -

so yeah, all is fine and dandy. save for the odd physio and pyschological anomalies but otherwise: HURRAH!

"'m reading kazuo ishiguro's never let me go, but i think the freezing climate affected my reading speed cos i only got to page 51. it is quite all right - wait no, let's be honest - i don't think much of it at all. granted, i've only read the first few chapters but well, from what i have read, i haven't encountered any impressing poignancy, or strikingly beautifully crafted sentences. its all very ordinary."

well that's what i said a few days ago. i've read the whole thing now, so for the heck of it and indulging in the rare moments where it seems that i actually have nothing to do, let's have a brief review:

i won't be giving away any spoilers for those who intend to read the book save for the fact that this book, in terms of stylistics is very subtle, and this would include the plotline itself such that it would seem that the story goes nowhere, which is not very true at all.

the difference in tones, atmosphere and even the conveying of themes is done through shifting nuances, so if you're reading through this in a rush, it would seem like a whole 263 pages of a hazy dream that just leads the reader in circles, back and forth without anything concrete to say. i suppose it takes some getting used to, especially since for lit, i've been reading stuff like huxley where the plot complexity (wait - what plot?) is just so obvious its like whamming your head against the wall.

but after awhile, especially reading it in comfortably cold rainy days in bed like i did, you come to appreciate this haziness - that the plot and revelations unfold gently, such that you are not wholly aware of the acknowledgement of a development, but it kind of subtly builds its layers so that with every suggested truth, you go "oh yes, that."

so that, is the merit of ishiguro's writing - very clean and subtle. i wasn't bored though, which is something, even though it should be taken into consideration that a substantial part of my reading was simply because i wanted to know what was the big deal about this writer. the only time that i dazed off in the middle of this book was when i caught myself daydreaming (i was in bed under a soft blanket at this point hurrah), and not being able to remember when exactly i had started to drift off, or whether or not i had closed my eyes at all.

at the same time though, i don't think it was a brilliant, life-changing book but i suppose that's quite a lot to live up to. no moments of poignancy or beautifully crafted prose that jumped up at me (save for an achingly touching anecdote about Norfolk - look out for that), but i suppose it's congruent to the writing style. it is very nice in every sense of the word, and a good book to pick up when you have the time and are in the drifty mood.




oh and by the way, this is post number THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY. cheers and fireworks everyone; if you can spare the time, actually do have something to say, and don't mind bolstering my esteem, then leave a tag about how this blog, (cue: dramatically cheesy voice) has changed your life.

though i highly doubt it, but eh, why not give it a shot.

for the first time in my life today, i was late for school. (how exciting)

it amazes me actually, this record that has only since been broken, considering that i am usually late for everything else. i suppose its because more often than not, if i find myself in a situation where it is likely that i will be late for school, i opt for not turning up at all!

its a very convenient ploy that half my class employed today.

so for the first time too, i officially was given detention. that's a but odd, you ask, since you say that you used to get into much trouble in secondary school. well, true that - but you see, BP has no official system of detention.

when you get into trouble, the DM will snarl at you to see him after school, so you do. in doing so, you actually wait around an hour or two waiting for him to turn up, and when he finally does, he snarls at you to get lost, that you are a waste of his time or what are you doing here, which is then your cue to take advantage of his frazzled state and downplay whatever grievious misdemeanour commited. then, you go home.

its an absolute waste of time. but if you DON'T see him, he somehow retains your absence, and then you're in deeper shit the next day. its quite odd really.

cj detention on the other hand, is actually quite fun. i spent it catching up with my friend, calling charmaine and matthew, scheduling a pw meeting, cursing the bloody school laptop and when i got bored, trooped of to siberia to read one of those hyped up books to find out whether it was worth all they said hype.

so, when the DM asked us later on, "what did you do during the two hours?" (apparently, i-did-some-form-of-study answers is the key to getting back your EZ-link card. hmm. i am such a detention noob), i feebly said that i read a lit book - which is true! just not the one assigned on our syllabus, that's all.

i'm reading kazuo's never let me go, but i think the freezing climate affected my reading speed cos i only got to page 51. it is quite all right - wait no, let's be honest - i don't think much of it at all. granted, i've only read the first few chapters but well, from what i have read, i haven't encountered any impressing poignancy, or strikingly beautifully crafted sentences. its all very ordinary.

and the thing of course, is that i usually do like things that revolve around the ordinary - that one of the beautiful aspects of literature is finding the catching, fleeting moments of brilliance in the ordinary.

i watched cold mountain with my brother and sister, and watching it, i'm assuming it is NOT pg because they were quite shaken by the violence brutality and moments of crass nudity. i wondered for awhile whether they should go on watching it, suggested that they stop which of course, was left unheeded; but i came to the conclusion that actually, i think its good that they did. it might do my sister some good to be aware of humanity's propensity for cruelty, and for my brother to know that war is so much more than the the tactical strategies for the computer games that he plays. good movies are just brilliant.

yesterday was the J2s graduation day, and somebody got thrown into the fish pond. i wonder how much he smelled afterwards. kinda ew, yes. to be honest, its something that i've always wanted to do, to be thrown/jump into a pod of some sort and the only thing that stops me is the thought of residual pond smell.

speaking of fishes!

if you thought that eating dinner (which may or may not include fish) in front of your fish tank like i do at home is darkly amusing, or cruel as steffi would find it, i have news:

so one of the fishes died, and we were supposed to remove it but i couldn't find the net and not feelin up to putting my whole arm into the tank, i put it off to another day.

the next day! i was walking past the tank when i thought i saw one of those 'i-can-see-its-skeleton!' fishes swimming at an odd angle and i was thinking oh dear, is it an epidemic of Mysterious Fishy Deaths like the last time? when i took a closer look, it was the half-eaten corpse of the dead fish.

I HAVE CANNIBAL GUPPIES.

they ate almost everything - all th guts, the tail and well, i suppose they left a bit of flesh - i suppose they got bored.

THIS IS A POST TO CELEBRATE MY 2000+ VISITOR!

for those who have not realized it, i have installed a web counter on this blog and well, i'm not going to beat around the bush, i had it installed two months back for purely egocentric reasons. oh come on now, don't look at me like that! we all know that a large portion of the appeal for keeping an online journal is having a readership, and fandom (pathetically limited or otherwise) is purely a vanity.

and besides, this web counter has an awesome feature that pinpoints my readers from their geographical position - when i click on this feature, this map of the world comes up with all these dots that represent the readers so hey - I CAN SEE YOU GENEVIEVE ANTONO TAG MY BLOG UPDATE YOURS PLS WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO SINGAPORE =) HOW IS CANADA, MY FRIEND GOES SKIING THERE, APPARENTLY HE'S QUITE PRO HAVE YOU GOT A FUNNY ACCENT, EH?

you know, this post was actually meant for something of a more depthful matter, religion to be exact, seeing that it is ramadan, and many many related things have been swimming in my head, but then i checked my blog for tags, saw the counter, got quite excited, blog-hopped this and that, and augh i must now strive to move away from the tangent(aha, see that's fulfilling my quota for mathematical information-thingy; a mathematical term.)! its about time i write something somewhat serious, looking at the past half-hearted entries.

some time back, in a conversation with hazri, we talked about the coming ramadan and the ensuing bahavioural changes that it entails. roughly, he thought it was nonsense for people to be substantially more pious during this month, and then regress back into i suppose, morally decadent ways once it has passed - as if to build up credit so that you could be bad for the rest of the year, something along those lines i think.

it's almost a reverse be-good-santa-is-coming syndrome.

at that point of time when he said that, i don't think i replied much because what he said made me wonder whether that was what i did, be good for a month in compensation for the 11 months of neglect. you see, for me right, i don't or can't respond fully to the opinions of others and formulate my own opinion immediately - i'm the kind who kinda nods, mulls over it five minutes, hours, days, weeks or months later and THEN, my somewhat fully formed opinion.

i would agree that his opinion is very true, it happens and undeniably hypocritical. but then again, i don't think it would be true to say that it is the basis for all momentarily pious behaviour. for me, during this month, i do end up adhering more to morally/religiously upright ways, which include from a conscious effort not to cuss (not always working) and to do my daily prayers as far as possible (ditto). partly, from obligation, and to be brutally honest, that oligation comes more from family/society rather than i don't know, an inner call of faith.

but that does not mean that it completely negates any effort of finding a better connection with God. maybe its easier to do so during this month, because the oppurtunities and well, atmosphere is there. it is a month, especially allocated for such things, and i suppose it is sad that it is more likely than not that i will regress into my usual ways post-ramadan, well hey, i'm trying. in spite of my cynicism and unconventional thoughts of religion and God, i think i do want to try.

gosh this feels odd.

do you know what else is odd? extreme displays of emotion resulting from worship etc. now, i'm not saying that it's weird per se, but I find it odd and like the way i don't understand how art students can so easily convert to science students, i simply just don't get it. it unnerves me. and i'm not even going into the questioning of the sincerity of all these displays.

the thing is, i am very wary of people displaying such extreme and rigorous conviction of their faith. this primarily means evangelists (not neccesarily solely Christian) and oh i don't know, crying. on the case of evangelists, my sticking point is that how can you be so completely, absolutely, infallibly sure that you are right, and that therefore, others are wrong? i mean, seriously. in all logic, you have to concede to the existence of other options and in doing so, the marginal possibility that they too have a chance of being right since after all, its not like you've got a giant rock with a divine carving that goes: HA I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG. you know? its just ridiculous, and such extreme conviction is just..narrow-minded.

and for extreme displays of emotion. see, i've always considered one's relationship with God to be a very personal and intimate thing, and this would also mean that hey, nobody else has to see it! its kinda the same logic for Public Displays of Affection for Couples - like, oh hey, glad you guys are happy and loving each other muchly but yeah don't have to see the physical evidence please kthnxbye. for reasons unfathomed, it just unnerves me.

for example, we once had this prayer session thing at home, with lots of random people my parents knew from the pilgrimage group and amiably going along with everything, when this man starts crying. which is okay, if it was the quiet type but oh no. kinda loud, definitely noticeable and while i was hey, happy for him that he i don't know, had an epiphany of some sort, i could not help but think oh gawd, pull it together please. i suppose its just that in recent times, i find it somewhat appropriate to keep a level of detachment between your private and public self. i don't know. well, the other day, we were doing one of the daily prayer things as a family and well, in the middle, my dad who was leading, at first his voice wavered, and then kibda cracked until it was clear that he was you know, crying. at least it wasn't superly dramatic like the other guy, but still it unnerved me. for one, i've never seen or heard my dad cry. have you?

faith - what a difficult, difficult subject. my faith in God comes in the form of little small things, like knowing that things that have or are happening, are essentially for the best, and that problematic dilemmas will work out fine and that i will be okay. that i should govern my life not from the nitty-griity rulings that sometimes come up with islam (can you say, micro-managing?), but just by being as good a person as i can be. so what if my arab is far from fluent (more like, non-existent) or that i can't memorize the hadiths, or the 101 rules pertaining to islamic legistlation?

i think i'm a good person, or at least, try to be.

my one flaw though, the one thing that will send me into the fire and brimstone of hell is that i am a compulsive liar.

i'm not proud of it, but i have to admit that its one of the things that keep my daily interactions with the Outside World smooth and well, functioning the way i would prefer them to. sometimes there's guilt, but not as often as it should be. i could, and should stop, and have tried actually. it lasted what, three weeks before i slipped back into it and well, yeah.

i lie.

do you guys have to be wary and distrust the things i say now? not really, i think. you believing the things i say is what keeps the relationship smooth and functioning, the way that both you and i would prefer it to be, and that, kiddies, is why i lie.

the irony of course, is that my compulsive lying does not negate me from being completely and baringly honest, as the past few paragraphs have proved.