AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

i wrote a lengthy, actually intelligent reply to siew ching's blog entry about vietnamese brides and my mum did something and IT IS GONE! one day, when i am more calm and my neurones are not so annoyed, i will recall what i wrote, probably realize "whaaat, this is IT? the supposedly intelligent discourse - how embarassing", but for now, i shall mourn its sudden demise!

and so, i am going to rant angrily about something else that pisses me off:

SIMPLE PLAN.

stupid pop-punk angsty fluff! listen, there are bigger things in life than yor personal heartaches - the world is not going to stop its orbit because your girlfriend hates you or what shit. something i hate even more! the bloody idiots who go oh look at me, i'm so punk because i listen to simple plan and (wtf!) PUG JELLY. what is wrong with these people!! they're hiding under their ability to actually play instruments and write pathetically mediocre songs but they are actually boybands dammit HOW BLIND CAN YOU BE.

there. that slightly eases my pissed-offiness about my entry that went away!

maybe pop-punk bands have a purpose after all. as my punching bag! I don't understand how i can get so riled up about their existence but maaan, it just makes me grit my teeth augh. and pug jelly is crap. monkey shit! i'm sorry but their a pathetic excuse of a local band because a)it's pop fluff once again and b)THEIR A LOCAL BAND BANKING ON THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T LOOK LOCAL. how asinine can things get, honestly.

idiots.

so here is a list, a continuance (is there such a word?) of my indulgence of HOW PISSED I AM.

things that cause much annoyance to me

- last minute changes
- waiting for people
- last minute changes that force me to wait for people
- trashy music that blares on and on and on
- the people who for some reason, adore said trashy music.
- girls who dress in pink from top to bottom. honestly!
- reading a book, realizing it is absolute crap but forcing myself to continue anyway because i have to, and then returning it to the library late and having to pay insaaaaane fees because of a book that i DID NOT LIKE. i am stupid.

after this i am going to download pop-punk trash about the profound such as how the life of a teenager is difficult and i can't get a date for the prom, find myself a corner and give myself papercuts that spell out M-Y-L-Y-F-E-S-U-X.

do you want to know why i am blogging?

i am blogging because i have a bag of Marks&Spencer's Milk Chocolate Buttons beside me and ergo, i am happy. why do my recent posts revolve around food, i do not know. today i did not finish my warm and gooey brownie because i cannot believe i'm saying this, but it was to chocolatey. yes almost-blasphemous.

sadly, the buttons are getting a bit soft and messy to eat while hogging the computer and so, i have dumped them in the fridge where i shall rescue (fear not, muh buttons!)them before the Eville hands of equally chocolate loving mother and brother discover their existence. they are miney miney mine and unless i generously offer them to you, yes, still mine.

what absolutely incoherent rambling. matthew said that my last post was completely pointless. he is wrong, i think. ALL MY RECENT POSTS HAVE BEEN POINTLESS. i wish somebody would explain this phenomenon to me - why is it that i have absolutely nothing meaningful to say. it is strange and inexplicable.

something is wrong.

but you know, it matters not as long as i have my milk chocolate buttons. hmm i am beginning to notice an obsessive trend towards my milk chocolate buttons. today, we bought our uniforms. which admittedly, as much as i'm liking cjc so so so much, really look like factory uniforms. it is quite sad. how is it then that my fellow peers do not appear factory worker-like whereas i look as if i just stepped out of an electronics assembly line.

they say the the feeling of jealousy comes when you feel something that you think rightfully belongs to you has been wrongly taken away or withheld. which perhaps, explains why i no longer feel such an emotion. ahh you know who and what i'm talking about. typing the above out, i realized how much stronger the word "feel" is rather than "think". i suppose it doesn't apply to everybody but i do think that the emotional undercurrent plays a majoy part during Crucial Decision Making-time, which is perhaps, why i did not even apply for nyjc. i wonder whether this trait will prove to be my downfall in the future. i cannot be help but be rash and impulsive, and only a shred of logical sentiment holds me back from being completely stupid.

what a load of self-indulgent crap.

i don't know, but i noticed how that when it comes to dreams (the literal kind), it's the emotional undercurrent that makes up the main body of it. it's like when you had an especially moving dream and try to tell somebody, or write it down but it just absolutely falls FLAT because the mere desription of what happened and when the pink elephant fell out of the sky or when i took mathsC and got an A - it doesn't matter because it's not what you FELT.

not to be uber-morbid (which i uh, unsuccessfully try to keep sekrit) but i've had one of those dreams that go around your own suicide. it's common i know, but so very very impactful. mine was about how i popped pills and was waiting to die yadda yadda realized i didn't want to, regretted it and then as i was all morose and unhappy (SEE, SUICIDE IS NOT THE SOLUTION KIDDIES. chocolate buttons are.) the doctor told me that oops, you're not going to die after all because you didn't pop enough pills and i was disappointed that i was not going to die.

the point is!

throughout the entire, painfully long and tiring dream, i had this incredibly uncomfortably feeling. unsettling, out of sorts, in a high tension kind of way - WHICH i only realized today could be likened to what it feels like when you hold your breath and there's the unsettling tight STILLNESS and auugh. something like that.

surprise surprise, anotherlist!
things that give me a Good Impression on schools

- having toilet paper in the loo
- having good toilet paper in the loo (hurhur)
- having nice smelling soap in the loo
- nice administrative staff!
- interesting magazines to read in the general office
- a good selection of junk food in the canteen
- their school bell
- student artworks hanging on the walls
- the price of Ribena!

here's an appeal to the random readers out there: i heard that the NJC uniform is water-resistant for a whole of EIGHT seconds and and! is fire-retardant. but this means that the new uniform is very stiff so to soften the material, they BURN (well, kinda)it. tell me, is this true?! or, another mere urban legend against njc people. njc people are always being bullied on the grapevine, the poor things. take heart, they think cjc people are a bunch of skanks.

well. i haven't met any. skunks even! we are very hygienic here at cj.

do you know, i actually was in the process of writing an entry -

- and how i wish i could blame a temperamental internetexplorer or one of those ideeyot bugs for horrifically causing the dissipation of a painfully lenghthy entry. but i cannot. because uh, i did write something, but i got distracted and could not be bothered to save what i had written also because, it was only a pathetic non-purpose two paragraphs.

ahh. i learnt something today, in an MSN conversation. who says these things aren't educational? the thing is of course, i wish i didn't. i really, absolutely would rather have not.

this is poop.

more lists to compose myself! how strange that when it comes to actual writing, i hate any form of structure or what do they love to call it? ah yes. scaffolding.

what i ate today

- a bowl of oxtail instant noodles
- 4 small packets of those intense MSG-ed orange coloured mini-stick crackers.
- one bottle of mineral water
- 3 barbecued sausages
- 6 sticks of beef satay
- 1 small cup of unidentfied syrup drink
- 1 mug of super-sweet/creamy milo with mini marshmallows
- 1 cup of ribena

things that i need to do

- finish writing for jcCAP portfolio auugh
- finish writing + photocopying + colouring The Lonely Clud
- repress my Inner Cynic!
- sleep more.
- randomly, i wish life was a musical.

hah new list!

today's OST
- 100 ways to be a good girl; skunk anansie
- misery; the moffats
- fly me to the moon; diana krall
- dreaming of you; the coral
- megalomania; incubus
- faint; linkin park
- adrienne; the calling
- emotions; destiny's child.
- the blower's daughter; damien rice
- so sublime; skunk anansie
- anti-love song; skin+lenny kravitz
- all i have; jennifer lopez (and no, i have no idea why its here either!)
- the very thought of you; natalie cole.









and is this how i'm going to end my post?

things i ate today (in chronological order):

- a cup of water
- a sugary donut
- an orange
- an orange
- a sugary donut
- four blackcurrent Fruit-Tips
- one big triangular sushi thingy
- a pack of 6 of those small sushi things
- three pieces of roti kirai that my mum made (whee tlc.)
- a mini-tub of strawberry jam that they give you with your muffin/scone at various overpriced coffee joints. eaten in bed, scooped up with a finger, reading a darkly hilarious book, unearthed from the mustiness of the neighbourhood library.

i did not realize i ate so little today. also, i've forgotton how calming it is to make lists.

things that i learnt today:

- it is crucial to press the bus bell thing because the bus driver will NOT stop at the school bus stop despite his bus carrying near a dozen of cjc people. it is not his fault i suppose; he must be stoned from the routine and early morning. so what does this goes to show! early mornings are not good for you becaue it zonks out the mind, and age does not matter! you will be zonked whether you're 17 or 47.

- it is actually nice to walk along the shoulder lane of the expressway, because of all the wind. so despite the carbon monoxide, it is nice.

- i do not care much about you-know-who anymore. or to be more accurate, as much. or maybe, it's just today hmm. doesn't matter.

- it is disturbing to hear your art teacher say, "i don't know what i'm doing with my life either", especially when you only said i don't know what i'm doing because you were referring to your painting. it is quite bleak when the truth that we'll never reach a point of certainty is shoved in the face, grk.

- how very little of the 'significant' things i learnt today actually comes from the lessons i actually went through. ironic, considering we spend most of the time in school, and how very little it matters now! like the 0 Levels; who gives a shiet now? it's over and all that is left is a stupid number that dictates the next few number of your life. what is the point of academia?! augh it never matters in the end.

- the book i read today imparted me with the thinking that when you have a fatal disease, WHAT disease it is ceases to in importance because it doesn't matter. a rough quote from the book (because i cannot be bothered to run up to bedroom to get it) "What was this illness? I am not going to tell you because it doesn't matter!" and this was said by the third speaker narrative when the protagonist's mother is dying. sooper whimsical, and the book is full of these kind of interjections - wonderfully and insanely profound. it is a book of darkly amoosing ramblings that make sense!!

- oranges are a sensory pleasure to eat when you peel away the white stringy layer on the individual wedges so that all is left is the naked pulp. according to zara, i'm stripping away all the vitamin C hmm nothing's perfect.

The End.

things that i need to learn:

a) not to blog when you don't have much to say actually
b) not to procrastinate (malay and gp homework augh aaaaaugh)
c) not to procrastinate by blogging.

also, i need to figure out why i do not have much to say when actually, there is. so much that i want to say, and i suppose i'm waiting for the right time and the right person - so obviously this blog, as much as i try to keep it a honest representation of myself, it is not the avenue.

how strange.

i am not used to this feeling of keeping things to myself, what i used to do was to wear my heart (auugh cliche alert!) on my bloody sleeve. what makes this whole thingy even more..odd is the paradoxical nature of this situation. its a tad frustrating and sad i guess that i don't think there is anybody who completely understands me at this current period of time (unlike, well, last time lah) and on the other hand, there's this almost bitter smugness that smirks oh hah you think you know me so well, pbbt.

i am guessing that the lattar voice belongs to my inner, marginal but still significant, misanthrope.

oh but i should be so happy! that's what i realize everytime i sink into these melancholic musings. also, shut up yanti shut up! but then again, despite every other positive-ish thing that i'm going through, i cannot help but dwell on a certain issue that really lah, it unsettles me. it leaves me uneasy and i'm not sure what to do, and the thing is, i think that the resolution, if it exists, it has to come from myself.

i wish she would talk to me. there, i said it.

on a lighter note - and a sigh of relief choruses from the readers! i went to sentosa with 1t01 today, twas fun. DID NOT GET BURNT --> this is good, it means i have learnt my lesson and therefore, am not completely dense =) the water was really pretty today, very aquamarine. i wonder why, natasha says that hoohoo maybe they put in chlorine in the water but nyiaaaargh sentosa is not /that/ artificial right? right. but you know, the day's weather was perfect, the water was beautiful, we were missing a tedious and painfully tiring looooong day in school - things were going so well! how can this be? i'll tell you why:

the water today had a lot of those itty-bitty sea critters that bite/sting you and it really hurts! grk. they are normally around, yes i know, and i'm not a softie okay. today's onslaught of these naaaaaaaaasty plankton was exceptionally bad. we're swimming to the platform or just floating around and we'd be like, ow. ow. swim faster - ow. ow. maybe it was the high tide, because i think the last time it was half as bad, i was swimming in the morning as well. stupid plankton. why are they so meaan? ruined the first bit of swimming *rowr* had red bumps on spots where they bit me.

maybe it's the plankton's way of saying: hah you bunch of naked apes! though we're small, we can still cause alotta pain, take that you buggers! or, maybe it liked aaaaugh new theory! candice's sunblock. maybe. most of us were using her's, and it's the kind that smells really yummy and tasty - at least, it did to me. it smelt edible! like wonderfully, artificially flavoured bubblegum =)

you know, i think having a three-day work week really agrees with me. last week, i skipped wednesday, and we didn't have school on friday. this week, monday and tuesday. i feel much more calm. hmm, seemingly. actually, am quite niggled by the thought of all the missed lessons, and uh, facing my malay teacher. *nods sadly* it's my Inner Hermione. she just refuses to go away, and with the relative success of the O's, she been nagging not to be complacent. pbbt, i say.

aiya i can't keep this semblance of whimsical rambling up anymore. i'm sad today, despite yes, i had fuuuuuuuun at sentosa and candice's, which uh, makes me feel quite guilty for (is it?) this indulgence. but i am. pbbt!

nyiaaaaaaargh.











izyanti is a bitter bitter person. she supposes it would help if she knew why exactly she's feeling this sentiment but as of now, she really does not know. this also confuses her since everything is seemingly going well for her. WHY IS SHE..twitchy?

maybe it's because she sees people around her who are unhappy, and she's (or was) happy and now wonders why she is/was.

people are going away from her life! YES. that is it, the reason, or part of it, for her twitchiness. she's nervy that soon she'll have nobody because well, she's not that stupid to kid herself - things never last forever anyway. why is everyone going away, and why am i still here?

so much for keeping things detached and in the third person. why is everyone going away.

i suppose it is time to update.




















what is there to say though?

the euphoria of the O Levels is over, and i am glad. contented, thankful, for what i got. for the first time in four years, i think i finally got the results that my effort deserved.

trash-picking CIP at sungai buloh was cancelled due to the hevay rain. flash flood! nobody was willing to die for CIP.

people are going away, which leaves me quite sad. have not heard from some people in a long time, and i quite miss them. the people that i see relatively often, well, things are not the same anymore anyway. am rather sombre tonight. i wonder why.

heavy things unneccesarily weighing me down.

hmm.

it is strange how fiercely loyal to cjc i can already be, at times. charmaine's been asking around about cjc, and was..alarmed by all the negative commentary that she received. the typical 'cjc has a bad reputation', 'highest abortion rates!!' etc. okay, so fine, am not so sure about the lattar comment but am pissed about the first one! the people i met are generally nice and are hardly the havoc sluts/whores that this false notion implies. grk!

then, was also miffed when her mum felt that if it came down between JJC and CJC, she might as well pick the first since it's nearer and both are average. i don't think we're averaaaage! i suppose i'm being quite biased but nevertheless, i really believe what i say. we have great teachers (econs excluded, for obvious reasons hurhur) and an environment that has the right balance of fun and mugging. of course i say this with the complete awareness that this might only apply to me since it is after all, my opinion, but still! the point is, I LIKE IT HERE. yes - more than i did in bp when it comes down to the actual learning.

i may whine and moan at the workload and tiring onslaught of lessons, but i find that at the end of it, i still enjoy it. again, this excludes econs tutorials lah, hurhur.

man, why do i feel like i'm talking in circles?

it would be nice to have a wand and *poof* make everything all right.

a most definitely absolutely very rather quite long wait
and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait fear and wait and wait and wait anxiety and wait and stop.

one,
two,
three more

days!too soon.

a product of today's lecture on free verse. i rambled another one as well, but it's circular SO.

waaah am hungry.

sometimes i wonder whether im over-doing it. but then i think, there's no harm in it i suppose other than the fact that i will be disappointed quite a number of times - but that should be all right. at least, i think so. what i am trying to do is to cram in all that i missed out on in secondary school in these two years of jc.

hah i say that as if i KNOW i'm staying in jc. it's a toughie contemplating or approximating what's going to happen come monday.

i have no idea.

okay i can see this entry is absolutely going nowhere, so i shall shut up now.

i have avowed to be a Nice Person for the next few days in an effort to garner Good Karma, seeing that our Os results are coming reaaaaaaaaaally soon. i can see however, that i will not be able to keep to this and that this entry will most definitely break it. *sigh* it's not my fault really, its the existence of (insert insulting term here) people!

you see, i was reading the newspaper today and there was this really annoying letter sent in by somebody in the forum, whining about how "free mass displays of art should stop until Singaporeans know how to appreciate them".

he was whining about how such exhibitions are prone to vandalism but come on! the artist is placing his work in public, and risks like vandalism must be and have already been taken into account anyway. it's idiotically idealistic to be so outraged at vandalism - it happens. and instead of taking it so negatively and "oh nobody understands us artists, woe is me!" (he's an art and design student), we can/should(?) take it as society interacting with art. art after all, is about the public reacting to your work and if vandalism is their reaction..well.

i can agree that singaporeans are not all artistically aware such that they always have a profound appreciation for art, and that there is a general mass of plebians in our society who think art is just indulgent fluff (which admittedly, it sometimes is). but what, since when was vandalism unique to Uniquely Singapore? I don’t have concrete evidence either, but I’m assuming that there is hardly a place in the world where public works of art are not subjected to some degree of vandalism. again, IT HAPPENS. the society we live in isn’t perfect, and it just annoys me when people criticize singaporean society as if it’s a perfect utopia out there and we live in a barbaric state.

and for an ART student to assume perfection as the default for society, I cannot help but think how stupidly narrow his mindset and thinking must be.

this is not to say I would not be unhappy if MY own work was vandalized. if I had put it up, willingly, at the risks that the public poses, of course I would be upset but I would also accept it. it’s silly to do otherwise! it’s like, walking down a Taliban afghanistan in a bikini as a political statement, and then to get upset when they stone you to death. if it was put up AGAINST my permission *coughschoolexhibitscough*, then duh I would be thoroughly pissed.

if you want your work to be safe, then keep it at home swathed in layers and layers of cotton! don't show it to the world because hey the world is a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangerous place, didn't you hear?

i've always been puzzled by the way statues are always made off limits to wandering hands by lurking security guards. i suppose it's because i'm a very tactile person but my point is that the fact that it is a three dimensional work should mean that it ought to be experienced three dimensionally as well! to see is one thing, but to touch is an entirely different plane of experience. especially for sculptures, the textures and contours unfelt because we're not allowed to, what a waste!

to have it invisibly cordoned off seems to me as if they want the piece of art to be isolated from society, untouchable. literally, to be put on a pedestal. which doesn't make sense - because isn't art suppose to reflect society, it's a PART of society. there should be an interaction between the two, so when this statue -a reflection of life as the artist knows it- is placed out of bounds, it's unfair. if the artist was allowed to use society as material for his art, it seems imbalanced that we are not allowed to have it in OUR own sphere of living.

but you get my point, don’t you?

you know what? i just realized how much i miss buffy the vampire slayer.

to be more specific, the relantionship dynamics between buffy and spike. *squee james marsters awesome* but then again, how can we not take into account willow turning Evil, and why. and xander, the poor guy. i always felt he's been short-changed somehow, it's the story of his life. buffy has always annoyed me though; it's always been about the people revolving around her for me.

in it's own way, the later seasons were beautiful. depthful and thought-provoking, wonderfully complex with yes, literary undertones. which is why when i turn bloody rich and my dad finally decides to purvey a DVD player, i'm getting the..last three seasons of BTVS. just enough without bloody friggin angel. as spike would say, tall dark and forehead - the bloody git.

i love the show.

watching it, it could just move me so much. yes, it is very angsty in a sense, but not well *cough* ala the OC or horror of horrors, Charmed. and no, i do not hide my disdain for the latter. only buffy fans will understand *shakes head sadly*

spike was a wonderful character (and yes, it helped that hurhur he's hot), but his prior inner turmoil of being good/eville, and later on, the horror in which he realizes that yes, he looooves buffy and of course, the absolutely perverse way in which he goes about doing it. he's at the same time, a gentleman and well, spike. and the way and times buffy hurts him! ah that eville biyatch. no i can never forgive her for doing that to him; his complete devotion and the paaaaain that he goes through for her. it makes my heart cry.

ah. the ramblings of a fangirl suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

listening to john mayer's Neon, tis groovy indeed. whee free music provided by daryl, thanks.

you know, i had a good old mugging session planned for myself at the library today after school and i was actually off to a good start. the jeanie popped over and we started yabbering like old times =) and i told myself, "nemind, i'll just talk to her for the hour that she's here then i can continue mugging". then nadya popped over as well.

*sigh*

gossip gossip.

when jeanie left, i managed to get some mugging done because well, i've known nadya for like, for-evaaaaah and i'm so sick of her. kidding! *hugs* she was still playing with her blu-tacl - how typical of her to be absolutely fascinated by the completely inane! but yes, i suppose that is how her *cough* mind works. anyhoo, she left to take a purchasing tour of the canteen, and when she came back, she dragged along yes, desmond.

augh! and there goes another bout of gossiping. you know, kinda like bp reunion of sorts (HAH! three people.) it was fuuuuun, strange how thegrapevine continues functioning despite being away from the vineyard itself. i suppose that is the extent of it's tendrils.

okay okay stupid analogy i know! i'll shut up now

so desmond learnt something new today snerk! i learnt something new today! something that i will not air on this blog, but aini gennie come talk to me! hurhur. also, we know that someone(s) thinks someone else is the Hotness.

hyok. ah. the shallow giddy fun of such gossiping.

but you know, me. i'm blind-sided by my own object of infatuation. oh oh of which the gossiping session also yielded a nugget of happy hope! he noticed when i am un-there! bear with me, and the little inane things that entertain me.

oh no. i'm just like nadya.

THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

then me and nad (grammatically incorrect i know, but sounds more normal ya?) took the 985 and trooped down to our old home base: LOT 1!! was sorely disappointed cuz my cheap+good black ink pens are gone. if anybody sees mon ami black gel ink pens that cost a mere yes, $0.65, please grab a few for me! i will love you with all my heart. i think it's my surfing of the crimson tide, but waaaah. we popped over to nyiaaargh that teenybopper place, more than words, and went nutty over of all things

stickers!

you know, the puffy cute ones. but really, i fell in looove with them. so cheap, and i can't help but use this adjective once again, cute. i got um chocolatey ones, duckey ones and WHEE cluddy ones! the thing is, i don't usually go for kawaai-cute things like these. and yet today. wah. must be the hormones! either that, or truly my brain is rotting away...from?

happy i am. also, blythe badges.

a very very very fun valentine's at cjc! chocolates candy and cheeriness galore; oh we felt so loved what with the massive exchange of personalized "i heart (insert name here)" stickers - tangible evidence of friendship and luh-urve! what more could i want?

yes.





























*sigh*

i suppose It went relatively well. we shall have to see of course; and i thought 40 minutes was long, pbbbbbt! but do not worry faithful readers! i am not all melancholic like a certain clud, or love-lorn and dying *melodrama!* from a broken heart. i am finey-fine, and re-assure myself that in uh, 20 years time i shall look back and laugh. LAUGH with much glee and giddy euphoria. hopefully, at that point of time, i will not be clothed in a straitjacket yes thankyouverymuch.

but he is lah. why i am such a sucker for pretty faces i do not know; what i do not even know more is why i am such a sucker especially for his!

go figure.

but warily, i advise you not to give me something of a freudian nature because bless that german doode, his theories are rather perturbing and not something i want to consider hmm.

augh frock-shit.

i don't have my malay dictionary with me, and i have homework that needs it, due monday. and a teacher who wields a hefty threat of detention till 2200, and i actually think she will pull it off because
a) they have night study for the jc2s so it's logistically possible.
b) yes, she can be that big a meanie.

*sigh*

what i would do to get back my malay slackery days in secondary school. but still, one more year. a single year. i think i shall be able to survive that, somehow. things are not too bad - i'm still rather abysmally incompetent (at least, i think i am) but fortunately, that doesn't seem to matter much in cj. everybody sucks. so yes, no aini/rafidah (basically anyone who's actually REALLY good in malay) to feel sucky with.

see? a bloody silver lining behind every clud.

speaking of cluds, i have embarked on a new writing adventure! honestly, i think it's so cute it kills me. a children's story, with illustrations to boot; and whimsical a prose/poetry hybrid to tell the the tale of a lonely clud. i haven't had this much fun since...i can remember, writing-wise. it's fleshing out quite nicely (33 little panels and counting), and is getting to be much longer than i expected.

how very thrilling!

its squee luhvly when stories and plotlines just develop on their on, you can actually see the evolution process - it still makes me giddy(?) when i write this way. to hell with plot outlines! although, i'm currently a little stuck but not to worry! will be meeting up with charmaine and matthew for lunch, who will feed me with fodder to continue this indulgence.

i suppose this is why, before everything else, i'll always be a prose-ish writer. followed by, uh, art student + wannabe sometimes thespian + never-poet. i cannot wait for jc CAP, and will die if i don't get in. a possibility that my enthusiasm does not want to consider.

in commemoration of the coming Valentine's day (and yes, i know tis early):

An Original Poem in Latin and Five Translations.

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
- Catallus (circs 85-55 B.C)

I love and hate, Ah! Never ask why so!
I hate and love. . . . and that is all I know.
I see ‘tis folly, but I feel ‘tis woe.
- Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864)

I hate and love. Why? You may ask but
It beats me. I feel it done to me and ache.
- Ezra Pound (1885-1972)

O th’hate I move love. Quarry it fact I am, for that’s so re
queries.
Nescience, say th’fiery scent I owe whets crookeder.
- Celia & Louis Zukofsky (1904-1978)

I hate & love. And if you should ask how I can do both,
I couldn’t say; but I feel it, and it shivers me.
- Charles Martin (b. 1942)

I hate and love. Ignorant fish, who even
Wants the fly while writhing.
- Frank Bidart (b. 1939)

something i remembered i had stowed away in the corners of my computer. this is what musing on love with a friend online will do to you.

personally, i like the ezra pound the best.

that is all i have to say today. meanwhile, curling under my rock, i shall ponder and muse how i will pull of the stunt that i am planning. if you do not hear of me by monday evening, you will know that i would have decided to permanently make that rock my primary residence.

huh.

self-censorship. i don't think i've found myself doing this, at least, not consciously. so not to worry, i'm NOT being PAP-ized! it's just a niggling undercurrent whenever i start blogging or am thinking about blogging. but then again, maybe its an excuse i use to make up for my lack of entries and therefore, lack of material to be blogged about, so THERE. hurhur.

i don't know (do we ever?). and i don't think i would ever want to start up a private blog.

cue: paradox.

on the basis of principles, i think starting a private blog in co-existence with a public one isn't being very honest to your "audience" and is already a form of self-censorship. you're already segregating what you say into private and public categorizations, and i don't think that's very different from publicizing some opinions, and keeping the rest silent by not saying it out loud.

also, i think having an audience so to speak forces us to grow up. i would imagine that if i allow myself to come up with a private blog that has no readership of the people i know, i would literally lose control and rant and rant and rant with much prejudice, angst and lack of thought. because when "nobody" reads it, you don't have to worry about being fair or remotely intelligent. do you really need proof? all i have to do to convince myself how things will turn out private-blogging would be to find one of my old diaries, read it and try not to die cringing. so even though this means scurrying away the facet of immaturity etc and therefore not being true to yourself, maybe this is a good thing after all. a blog doesn't necessarily have to mean you become an open book. the question is, do i really want other people to be able to confirm what an immature arse i am?

of course not. i will be an enigma! i'm going to keep you buggers guessing moohar.

also. the attention loving slut that i (sometimes) am, thrives on readership. *shakes head sadly* and for a moment, you guys thought i had achieved inner zen and enlightenment, and i just HAD to ruin it with the above statement.

ah well. enough bush-beating about self-censorship, moooooooving on!

my cough is slowly killing my brain. eveytime i launch into a coughing spasm, my brain feels like it's bouncing off against my skull and oh dear gawd can you imagine hpw many neurones may be dying at this rate?! the horror the horror. on a happier note, my medication is a full force sleep-inducing concoction! according to mother dearest, the cough syrup that i'm taking is actually a morphone derivative - which explains the wonderfully woozy light-headiness i felt before falling into a 6 hour nap.

morphine. cool.

i have learnt however, that a scoop of mango sorbet, a square of cadbury dairy milk chocolate, a few ikan bilis, a handful of yummalicious raisins, and a canned longan indeed, does make a difference. ask my raw throat and aching stomach (from the surpressed coughing fits). Lesson: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHE, but also realzie that you will not when faced with uh, tempting treats and that therefore, you will suffer anyway.

sighy-sigh. V-day next monday. and yes i want to do something non-platonic this year, but knowing my aversion towards emotionally traumatizing/humiliating situations, i most likely won't be doing anything. if you're reading this, 'guy-on-the-bus', dammit, i lalalalalala-ike you! and i have no idea why either, so poo.

yes. i was planning to sms everybody a Happy Chinese New Year!! this morning, but because i woke up at 1625 all woozy, i uhh forgot. so here it is: happy chinese new year to:
- the convalently bonded clique!
- 1t11
- 1to1
- random cjc-ers
- random blog readers

i love you all, like omg i can't believe i won! i'd like to thank my mother, my father, my parents, the people who failed and therefore, allowed me to win, my Eville Minions -

oops. wrong speech.

okay.

i am going to be the how many-th blogger to examine the issues of privacy and self-censorship when it comes to what we do, blogging. a warning, it will be very brief and not thorough, as all my recent *sighs* posts have been, because like everyone else, i am tired.

good ole hazri has blogged a considerably lengthy post on exactly what has been troubling me this past few weeks. blogging, it IS dangerous. and our fears are not unfounded, and they ARE NOT PARANOID. i know it just reeks of irony when we panic over who exactly might be reading our blogs because of free-linking, since we have willingly exposed it to the internet.

the thing is, privacy and the degree of exposure is all an abstract concept and we don't really feel the invasion of privacy (self-caused, i know)until something happens and it really WHAMS home. suddenly, we realize that we have not control over what we write anymore, because we cannot control who reads it! the creator, is left with no control - and yes, this is really scary.

some things i write here, I DON'T WANT CERTAIN PEOPLE TO KNOW. and oh gawd, it's really pointless creating a disclaimer! it's like when people say, "i don't mean to be rude/critical/bitchy but -" and go ahead and be it anyway. it just doesn't work. the only way(s)out, is to either not give a flying shit (and this is quite difficult unless you're emotionally autistic) or well, yes here is the dreaded word: self-censorship.

and what is the point of a blog when there is a self-censorhip.

notice that the above is NOT a question, but a statement. so. if this blog suddenly turns silent -and i really hope it doesn't-, you know why. i shall be joining the growing ranks of bloggers who just quietly fade away into increased anonymity.

i have something to say.


































i am zonked.

we are zonked.


















*dies*

all right all right, i'm forcing myself to blog here. the reason for my sudden lack of entries? i don't know, i'm starting to feel stupid blogging, with the assumption that people are actually interested in what this 16-going-on-17 wants to say. like, omg why do you care?!

really.

and yet, here i am. the truth is, i'm having a lot of fun in jc. the class just ISN'T 406 (can anything ever be?), but that notwithstanding, i am having a good time. i'm doing fairly well in class, the teachers don't think i'm a delinquent(!) and i'm sooper-sooper enthusiastic in all my CCAs.

i really do want to take over the school *eville laugh* such is the extent of my ambition. yes, i do realize it is rather impractical but you know i have an affinity towards hyperboles! i'm having fun meeting new people, some i like, some i don't. some with whom i can see the potential of the beginnings of a Wondrous friendship (fellow aries!), and some one to fix my hurhur devotions upon. i suppose this is what 'living life to it's fullest' means, and wow it feels great.

things aren't all fluffy and whee-ing of course. there's a lot of work, and i'm currently procrastinating, and there are moments of uncertainty and strain. but somehow, in my Moment of IntenseOptimism, i'm looking at it in such a way that the dark bits will make the uh brighter bits well. brighter.

oh dear gawd i male myself sick with all this talk of optimism and happiness. the next think you know, a furry pink bunny will jump out of the screen as you read this:

BOO!

_____________________________

HAH. the above was written 2 days ago.

i have since been ripped out of 1t11, abducted by a rather nice alien and plunked into 1t01. i suppose all is finey-fine, and i cannot count how many times i have said, 'yeah the class is nice. their really making an effort to make me feel comfortable' *smiling weakly*.

and yet.

it's a paradox really. when i'm with 1t01, i think about ye Olde class, and how i miss our little quirks. then when i pop over, i realize that even though i sincerely do miss them, their not as peeeerfect as i had made it out to be (d'oh!). and when i'm in either, i feel guilty referring to the other as 'my class'. so, as usual, like everything else, i'm stuck in the middle. what do i want!

I WANT STABILITY DAMMIT.

and really, that is a first for me because i usually appreciate change. it's interesting, and brings interesting moments but this time, with the sudden overload of work, cca and sleep depravation, waaah. it makes me feel like yelling, stop the room from spinning - i wanna get off! and the whirligig of time brings upon us it's revenges. it honestly feels like each time i pass a test (okay fine, YOU think of a better analogy when you're dead-ed), a higher bar is set for me to jump, and all i feel like doing is to go, waaaaait i need to crash. and actually, literally do.

yes.

today's cross country, fun. i raaan with ye olde class, felt kinda guilty. but uh. i dunno. anyhoo! it was fun running in the woody areas of mac ritchie, absolutely demoralizing running past speeding trucks at the expressway and breathing in volumes of carbon monoxide. wei qi my running buddy! though she uh, disappeared suddenly when i accompanied alex to the loo. who then too disappeared when she went of to look for a teacher, talked to siew ching, and then we both disappeared. a day of chesire cat-ing. re-joined the New Class, pranked-pointed at nothing in the sky (hurhur!), climbed a few gates/fences, stank up the bus and went through the messy motions of deciding where to eat.

yayness. he sat beside me on the bus today. if i had more energy, i'd translate it into massive amounts of exclamation marks, but fortunately for you dear reader, i don't! what luck! he sat beside me - and the irony, oh the irony! i was flipping through The Picture of Dorian Gray because i was going to return it today. irony seems to plague much of my life, how darkly amoosing. i wish his friend was not there (and i know nadya agrees with me on this, except for a completely different reason). on a sad-er note, he saw me running towards the finishing line during today's cross-country, and i cringed immediately the moment i saw him. i only had to pop by the loo to confirm my worst fear: a flushing SCARLET and mussed up hair. oh why oh why am i accursed to have him see me in my worst moments?! sigh-y sigh. i swear, i have tomato genes mingling in my bludde.









































also also the daaaaanger of blogs. *flashing alarm* it perturbs me, with uh links to my blog on other people's blogs, and some of them directly/indirectly knowing dorian gray. the risk cannot be ignored, it could! so haha let me amoose/terrify myself with the possibility: hello there, i lalalalalalala-like you!

tough day in school today. note to self: two consecutive cans of coffee + period-induced emotionality = a high-strung state on the verge of a complete breakdown.

*shudders* never again. but i really did need the coffee, and oh geez it was just over-whelming. a lot of bad things are piling up, and im not sure. oh dear god. i'm trying to see things positively, and i keep telling myself to stop being so indulgent, but i truly am upset. distressed. i guess i'm just not a stoic rock, though i try to be. also, am not looking forward to bumping into my malay teacher tomorrow oh dear god no. it's also been confirmed that i'll be moving class; upset! think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts

well, yeah at least i'm trying.

i'm possibly just imagining things, but there's something fishy going on in class. *troubled* fill me in, somebody.

pe was fun though. ran the outside route, it's cool. run, run downhill, run up the carpark slope, run, go up stairs, run. so much more interesting than running around the bloody track, i can't help but feeling like a brainless hamster when we do that. also, i surprised myself by being able to do the inclined with a considerable amount of less difficulty! wow. cj pe must really been doing me good. coolness at the end of my time there, i shall have the boday of giselle bundchen! okay, so maybe not as tall and uh, not so *cough* well-endowed.

but hey, i do realize that miracles don't happen!



























stupid tag-board.
also, it troubles me that i have so little to say despite everything that's been going on hmm.

my real player has screwed up big time. it started when it suddenly shut down, and only to find out when i rebooted it that HALF OF MY LIBRARY HAD BEEN WIPED OUT.

or so i thought, in a moment of absolute wild panic, and uh, despair. it is TRUE! that would be 400++ songs, and is no joke. i suppose it would be karmic retribution for all my illegal downloading, but really, you can't expect me to buy ALL cds! i would, if they were cheaper. and honestly, i don't find value in purchasing music online; its..intangible in a sense. a good portion of pleasure derived from the cd for me id to paw through the cd booklet and how it looks good. SO. again, i have defended my stance on this illegal downloading of music shit.

after much much meddling, re-installing and re-scanning the hard drive for my music, everything is running smoothly (i hope). except that i uh, have tata young and other pop-punk trash in my database cuz the player scanned in my sister's songs too. but it is all right, she is 12 years old. she will be forgiven for her rather lacking taste in music, as i have tried to forgive myself. *shudders*

i think today's class dinner might just be the thing that will really bond our class together. we all had fun, laughed a lot, took part in the nonsensical chatter that so characterizes the people of our generation (sorry - too much GP). squeeeeeeezed into neoprint booths in awkward positions. i really am quite happy about how we're doing, i think any cracks have been more or less smoothened over.

however, i did learn today that i am of the few in class who do not shop in more upmarket retailers ie. mango and zara, whereas for them it's the norm. to cut it straight to the point, i just can't afford the stuff there. how unfair haha. it shall be all right, i shall maintain my role as Bargain Queen. i suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, i still look good. uhhhh, right?

bugger it. why are they so rich? annoying thing is that of course, i realize the irony that its not as if im poor. so my whining is absolutely unjustified.

i've been reading this awesome book: the picture of dorian gray, by oscar wilde. perhaps, one of the best books i've read in my LIFE (which is not much, i do realize). dorian gray, at the beginning of the book, is a man-boy of absolute purity and beauty - an innocence left unmarked by the harsh realities of life. naive, and petulant in a slightly bratty way but even then, endearing all the same. i cannot be bothered to go much into the plot, because the point i'm trying to make here is that the young dorian gray is the epitome of enthralling/inspiring beauty. an adonis, he's described.

but well. i cringe at the term 'adonis', it just reminds me of trashy romance novels hurhur.

the POINT here is, i had/have christened the object of my head-over-heels infatuation dorian gray. i don't know, but the moment i read oscar wilde's words describing him and his effect on people, it just seemed to fit perfectly. even though mine (oh the irony!) doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. he is dorian gray.

my friend however, warned me against my decision - it wasn't a decision really, it just fits. he is dorian gray. anyhoo! she's read the book and so, knew what was to happen the dorian gray: he would become a twisted warped cruel man. it's painful just thinking about how he got so..horrid. the book is that good.

she is of course, correct. what's uncanny is that the onset of the character's ruination began exactly at the same time as i suppose, became more hopeless of the entire situation. it's quite an interesting case, could the book have actually influenced my swinging moods about this dorian gray? it's all too possible i suppose, and only serves to make it even more darkly funny for me. the almost-euphoria that i used to feel when he was around has been replaced with the heavy feeling that he will never be mine. thinking about him doesn't make me happy and giggly (silly, i know) anymore, it just makes me feel quite morose - which i think is an even SILLIER way to behave. considering that he doesn't even know me.

so stupid.

today, oh today. it was probably the culmination of all resentment i feel towards that CHIJ girl. that biatch, his classmate who's always flirting with him, leaning forward with crossed legs and hitched skirt. biatch. and, though you might not believe me, even before the implication of dorian gray, i had NEVAH liked her - from the moment i saw her! i just bristle whenever i see her, don't ask me why; it's a inner-bitchy Girl Thing. and this morning, i was feeling quite miserable because i had finished reading the book on the bus to school and it is really that moving, i was standing with nadya at my class corridor when she nudged me:

"iz iz! 12 o'clock!"

and me, in my post-literature daze, was: "whaaaa'?"

he was at the quad(rangle) walking to his classroom, and yes that BIATCH was with him again! and staaange, what's he carrying? HER PINAFORE! (she was in pe attire, no idea why) and this fuming cloak of jealousy came over me! it was amazing, i had not felt so..alive for so long. it was so intense, so passionate; it really was quite enthralling and i'm not kidding, it left me with this kind of high. and so i stood there, gripping the railing and spluttering,

bitchthatBITCHbiaaaaaaatchTHATBITCH!.

why can't she carry her own bloody pinafore, it's not as if her hands were occupied! i hate pinafores. *sighs* but i'm not writing this post to bitch about that bitch (okay f-iiiine, partly). i was completely caught by surprise the sheer intensity of my jealousy. such a primal emotion, i would only be slightly exagerrating if i said it quite knocked me off me feet. it was a heady feeling, and ALL i could feel was that jealousy - the other facets of my pysche disappeared. it was a single-minded affair, and there and then, that was all i was. jealousy. an extreme simplification of being, all complexities eradicated. how strange, and enthralling and liberating! ironic though to call it liberating, when that sheer emotion controlled me.

passion is a dangerous thing, i think.

after which i went into class, eyes wide with much distress and cried out to my friends who were in the loop, "i am upset!". what an understatement. they were nice, and very sympathetic. not to worry though, i'm not dangerous; the emotion soon left. was still quite morose though, until pe. (which was fun YAY circuit training!) then on the way back, climbing up the stairs, i saw the sky -and they have really beautiful ones at cjc, i do not know why- and thought of him. oh dear god, i shall live to cringe at this sentimentality. but it's true, and today, i'm feeling brutal enough to expose the nitty-gritty details i usually leave unmentioned.

i really do think he's beautiful, and i AM completely aware that it's only my infatuation that has heightened everything he is to reach almost-perfection. that under a clear mind, i would not think him so almost-perfect. he is though, to me at the least. he is dorian gray.