The Chronicles of Cockroach Love (the highest form of love).





i return from a five-day sojourn into the realm of pretentious writing and elitism, and the first thing that i want to say is I LOVE JANICE MATTHEW AND HAZRI, and i miss all of us already. i can very eaily say that cap this year was absolutely different from cap03, less nuttier somehow. but you know, thanking my flawed memory and this early morning, it's even easier to say that it was absolutely awesome. yes, the plenaries were generally traumatic, ranging from the irritating and bristling to the merely boring, with the occasional interesting speaker. same for the workshops.

but you know, cap has always been about the people. and as much as i do feel guilty for being so clique-ish, it was satisfyingly fun to be able to crap around with people whom you already click with, rather than awkward socializing and half-baked friendships. i love them dearly *melodrama* and it's very smugly satisfying that we managed to beat the khalwat patrol and all bunked in matthew's for bizarre/deep conversations about love god religion and as the night wore on and sleep deprivation caused much delirium and an increase in usage of profanities, sex and all things perverse. like florophilia, cockroach love and broccoli orgies.

hilariously, brendan and matthew's parody of teeniegoth, became the focal point of CAP. at first, it was just a private joke but after the poetry slam oh my giddy god trousers! after the hysterical laughter subsided, people were reportedly quoting and pouring over the CRUD that they had written. so funny so funny - there's even this guy who has a line of Theatrical Terror as his msn nick! you've got to hand it to brendan and matthew - they have reached new heights of CAPdom hoohoo. the absolutely amusing thing about this whole teeniegoth parody during the poetry slam is of course the other participants (i would say kids, but must be nice and all) read out theirs and it's actual authentic teeniegoth! i laugh of course, partly because i know that i used to write teeniegoth poetry and have only stopped because i REFUSE to write poetry. be thankful everybody.

and jc drama! now that was an intense rollercoaster. it started of quite bad actually, a lot of stalemates and it all felt very static. i know people like matthew and myself put alot of pressure on ourselves and i suppose, took it too seriously but that's because i honestly wanted to do something to the standard of cap03's jc drama which was the Awesome. somehow though, and i'm not quite sure when and how, we pulled it off and all our random images kinda gelled and it was just so beautiful and intense and i really wish someone had video-ed it because to describe it would do no justice to the sensuality and intensity that was achieved. the thing of course is that if the audience was discerning enough to actually poke through, they'd realize that the whole thing was not very coherent at all but hoo! they did not, and general sentiment says that they muchly loved it.

if only cjcdrama was nearly as good. to digress a little, it must be pretty bad here at cjc considering that we managed to come up with something in THREE days and i honestly think, not to be offensive, cjc drama never could. of course, it's largely because we also don't have natalie hennedige (i.e. director of The Necessary Stage aiee), but from my three months in cjcdrama, there's a lack of serious passion to bring a message to the audience. i don't know, that's how i feel.

i also finally experienced the notoriously bad cap food. for five days, i went around with a stomach that chronically felt hollow and also! shat with much more regularity, but not in a good healthy bowel system way, if you see my point. somehow though, all the stomach pains would hit midway through a plenary which then becomes a convenient escape! if you think that i'm exagerrating and that surely, the moe would not *gasp* mistreat us so badly, i tell you this and mark it well! today as i was changing in school out of uniform, i went through a moment of shock and horror because my jeans felt much too tight and um quite difficult to button. "how can it be! i can't have gained weight over cap, that goes against the laws of quantum physics!", and then i realized that they were my 14 YEAR OLD SISTER's jeans (because we have the same pair). the pointy-point of this story is that i lost enough weight to get into a pair of jeans that i previously could not even zip. so the moral of the story here kiddies is that don't bother with the Atkin's diet and signing up for all those "slimming spas". just go for cap and experience the food, and watch all the inches glide of you! side effects may include loss of appetite and shitting cramps.

indeedy. i love cap verily and i will conveniently forget all the not-so-fun moments. i love our Elitist Bastards Squadron, the doodling and the delirous early mornings, where my ditzy alter-ego makes her present known. apparently, i put on this strange accent and just um, make no sense.

cap has gone and passed, and now i have nothing to look forward to and life will just be very very bad and i would find myself a cave to be a reclusive hermit but that would mean i wouldn't be able to for the reunions so i can't. also, no tv and i don't want to miss my indonesion soap opera.

greetings fellow thingamabobs.







it has been a day of nostalgia indeed. but before i delve into that mushy mess, let me state a very obvious thing:

- the botanic gardens is big. VERY BIG. practically running from one end, to the other, repeatedly looking for random information on non-shiny metal signs is NO JOKE. THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING IS ISAAC LIM I.E. BIG KAHUNA OF PHYSICAL TORTURE.

- the botanic gardens has manymanymany trees. annoyingly, they are mostly TEMBUSU TREES when they were supposed to be some other random trees that WE COULD NOT FING AUUGH. *mutters: bloody tembusu trees* too bloody many of them i tell you! also, you would think that after approaching four tem-bloody-su trees, i would be able to recognize it and not bother befriending the fifth. and the next few ones that came along. i blame it on the sun and dehydration.

- which brings me to the point of evian water! WHY WAS IT A WHOPPING $2.60! bloody robbing us blind. although the guy selling it was cute. although he was a bit mat-ish. ah i am such a sucker.

- note to self: do not pair up with a person who also cannot read maps. sorry anisha hurhur.

- even though your mother was a horticulturist, having WORKED at the botanic gardens, bear in mind that it was (shall not mention) years ago, and all possibly relevent and helpful information has since faded from memory. it is therefore useless to call her and try to cheat for answers because FIRSTLY, she will give wrong answers. SECONDLY, she will say, "i'm busy doing the laundry! call me in 10 minutes!". and when you do, she will still be doing the laundry.

- i am muchly sick of scavenger hunts and what-not *sulks* it's lethargy and aching feet packaged into an episodic format of stage 1, stage 2 and you get my point. you think it's so fun. i suppose uhh, a week from now, i will look back and laugh. but as long as my feet ache, and i remember getting lost in some weird bit of construction work, TODAY WILL NOT BE THAT DAY. also! this makes it quite funny considering that i will soon my organizing and planning one. mwahahaha it is time to seek Eville Revenge against the world that is unjustly against me!

now that i am done whining.

i don't quite feel like poking about nostalgia and such. other than the fact that CJC Sports Carnival just doesn't quite feel the same as sports days with bpghs. those always end up quite fun, despite the grimy stadium and cruddy food. there was something missing, and i could only put my finger on it when i was in the bus one the way back. school spirit.

i honestly did not feel ANYTHING today. how strange. i blame it on the fact that we were divided by classes, and not houses. smaller gatherings of people, lesser degree of rabble-rousing maybe. and hardly any cheering at all; how straaaaaange. at bp, even though the cheers were the cliche and off-the-shelf, gosh we yelled our hearts out. i'm not saying today was not fun, it was, some bits. how is it that i can only remember how much fun sports days at bp always turned out to be? that's why the human memeory and can be such an untrustworthy and faulty thing.

and then, we went back to bp to get my o level cert and collect back my art prep. walked around, it felt different and the disconcerting thing was that it was different in the small little ways that made it feel slightly out of sorts. as if someone had tweaked with the configurements. the corridors seem wider, the canteen darker. we trooped back to our old classroom. successfully identified three tables that i occupied, finding pieces of vandalism that i don't even remember doing. dark angsty stuff, that only i know the significance of. you know, along with all the great times, i had a significant number of dark moments at bp and now that i think of it, it seems incredulous.

pathetic even. i cannot remember what got me so upset, and even if i do, can't figure out why it elicited such vivid and expansive a response to it.

the sad thing was, as we all got pushed along by the rapid and brutal train that the o levels was, we all kind of drifted apart despite spending so much time mugging in the library together. i felt it.

i miss the canteen, the art room (that's just not the same without the Distant Fart threesome), our classroom and the benches outside the staff room where i waited for the arrival of tan hak soon. i miss much, and the terrible thing of course, is that this faulty memory of mine makes it seem much better than i think it was.



well that's enough mushy crud for the night.

i have been wanting to update for eons because the last entry makes me feel stupid *shifty eyed*








yes, i got into CAP.

i would be in a more celebratory and elaborative mood if not for the fact that i have YES free time (i can't quite believe it myself) for me to work on the art projects and analyze my favourite-test lit book of the moment, brave new world. also, because i don't trust mrs sng. this is one of the rare occasions where i don't mind it being so blatantly pointed out that i am paranoid and stupid dumdeedumdum.

it turned out to be quite a Fun day. i expected it to be another day of dreariness, "nnnngh i didn't do my homework" and staving off encroaching sleep during lectures.

i watched kai wen (the guy sitting beside me in class) fall asleep in gp tutorial, got yelled at by my malay teacher. deserved it absolutely of course, but after the shock wore off, i have to say it was quite amusing to have a tudung-ed lady yell, "just give me the damn thing!".

i survived the arctic that is lecture theatre 1, endured the rather interesting gp lecture although it annoyingly consisted of a string of supposedly "thought-provoking" questions. i would have said, HELLO I CAN'T THINK, MY BRAIN HAS FROZEN SOLID. but of course, this did not happen because the neurones could not process my vague feelings of unhappiness.








ahh mmkay am off to watch my indonesian soap opera! woohoo emotional rollercoaster conveniently served by tv - hail mindless mass media. 2 hours worth of vindictive cries of "die bitch die", worried "omg is she gonna die is she gonna die" and plaintive "oh you stupid stupid man" - it seems fated that the women will always be Eville or the innocent Matyr. and that the men are always relatively dumb and clueless.

i suppose it is stupid, this fretting and all. and it was mean for me to think nasty, sour grapey thoughts and now that i am much more calm in this 1.04AM daze, i know that i don't mean it.

i'll just have to wait for monday.

but it's eating me. nnngh and i don't want to have to fall back on Plan B - who ever wants to put Plan B into action anyway. that's why it's the SECOND CHOICE, because you don't really want it anyway.

rejection - maybe i shouldn't even talk about it. might jinx it and all. but honestly, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, THAT BETTER BE NOT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING DAMMIT MR FAHY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU BETTER HAVE ANSWERS FOR ME MONDAY MORNING OR I WILL DIE. SOMEWHAT. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU PEOPLE ARE, TELLING ME I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOU STUPID PIECES OF MONKEY CRUD.

there, just in case (also, made me feel better hoohoo).






and i can't think of anything remotely intelligent else to say. this is a very perturbing trend i've observed. suddenly i'm not doing quite well in school, especially GP comprehensions and debate trainings have been full of me being moronically incoherent and asinine - my favourite word is officially "um". god i feel stupid. maybe my neurones have decided to revolt. or more interestingly, their taking part in a social experiment, to see how i would fumble around with half a brain. i bet their laughing now, eating popcorn. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, DON'T YOU, YOU BLOODY NEURONES. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PART OF MY BRAIN. I TELL YOU, I LIKE MY HAEMOGLOBIN-CARRYING RED BLOOD CELLS MUCH BETTER HAH BECAUSE THEIR CUTE AND SQUISHY IN THEIR BI-CONCAVE NON-NUCLEATED WAY.

i don't even like popcorn.

if you start thinking about it, being generally pissed off is quite a strange thing. when phenomally pissed, especially at nothing in particular, you have the capability to walk up to anybody and give them a bloody good kick in the shin, and not feel guilty for maybe, half an hour.

i am such a pathetic excuse of a sociopath.

because really, i have an innate sense of Goodness that i cannot deny. if i could have it my way, i would fill the world with doves puppies and kittens (conveniently, all toilet-trained) and make sure that there would be rainbows in the sky and i would go around in an organic white cotton toga with my hair quite suddenly a mane of earth goddesness and i will tell everybody: "world peace, my children. world peace." and they will all obey me because i am such a lovely and good person, and then,

I WILL BE THEIR QUEEN AND YOU WILL PAY OBEISANCE TO MY MERE EXISTENCE, O SIMPLE MORTALS OF PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANCE!

look, i have something to love too finally!

my little online hamster. no shit, no pee, no mess. just its adorable little two-dimensional self, adoring the mouse cursor. such simplicity and innocence.












i'm not quite sure why i'm teetering on the emotional side tonight. maybe it's because i FINALLY read Lord of the Flies and it's rawness touched me more than i realized. such a strange thing, to be moved by printed words on paper. maybe it's because i took this online handwriting analysis quiz (don't laugh!) and it's accuracy touched a raw nerve. things that i've been in denial about.

i'm sorry if today's entry is a load of self-indulgent crud. i hope the religion post didn't set the bar up too high, that one was a product of a sporadic burst of..lucidity and rationalized angst.

but this thing here tonight, it's a skim of things i think i want to say. i'm never quite sure really, i don't say much nowadays. i realize that i've become the Listener mostly, and because a) i have nothing of much significance/importance/drama to say, b) it's easier. i've become an inarticulate thing in real life, the horror the horror! everything's answered with indefinite, dismissive phrases that i say for the sake of it. ah yanti, you silly silly thing.

and then, i suppose this could have been the catalyst: i was talking to a certain person today, an absolute friend, and it was an issue that was particularly significant to me. it was actually a relatively rare moment when i was as cliche as it may sound, baring my soul - this is what i am, and this is how i feel. it was that kind of moment.

and she absolutely did not get me. it was as if i was speaking german, or maybe as if i happened to transmorgify into an orang utan. it's not her fault really, but oh god. i think she understood what i was saying (no i'm NOT implying she is a moron), but she could not empathize. did not, could not grasp the emotional significance of what i was saying. maybe she's like that to everybody, in her obstinate way of being absolutely full of conviction for her own opinion that she leaves spare room for the ability to extend empathy. i don't know.

oh i should just shut up.

oh my giddy god trousers.

it seems that everyone is collectively crash-and-burning. it is quite a strange phenomenon and also, quite interesting now that i'm outside looking in, and also, distracts me from the dreadful fact that i am one of them.

an onslaught of work, colliding deadlines, days that are paradoxically too long and too short and of course, the singaporean student's favourite: sleep deprivation.














and it's only april.

what are we to do? somebody better tell the moe about this sudden burst of student-fatigue, so they can send us for talks on Time Management, Balancing Work and Play, and Relieveing Stress that oh thank you god, we can sleep through.

okay today i shall talk about something that does NOT revolve around my stolen handphone, or my momentarily empty stomach, or school-related angst. AND NO, AM NOT PROCRASTINATING. ahh what the hell-o, i cannot deny what is true but BUT, that is not the pointy-point here.

(on a side note: i don't think xiaxue is completely crud but you will never hear my say she is uh, absolutely deserving of the award she won either and bless my short-term memory and possible lack of interest, i can't remember what it was called. she CAN be astute under all the pink webspace and profanities. her ramblings are amoosing, at times. SO!)

i usually avoid discussions about my personal beliefs on religion because as most of you know, i cannot stand any kind of huge, dominating and sweeping organizations who basically the way i see it, dictate a person's life. understanding absolutely of course, that they usually do so with the "it's for your own good, kiddies. listen to me, or suffer in the afterlife", i still find trouble swallowing down what they say without any gristle, so to speak. i shut up about what i think because i don't want to offend people maybe, and ALSO, i think this is it: i don't want to bother provoking people with my opinions in a situation where it is impossible to agree - it is of no point, creating emotional stress and i have enough pimples thank you very much.

and then there is the whole saying it out loud will make my opinion undeniably mine, and there's still a part of me that worries that i metaphorically will be struck down by lightning.

sometimes, i wonder what it's like to be a convert. not the kind who convert because they want to marry but because they FEEL the calling, or what-not. i might envy them i think, because they'd have a certainty that i as of yet, have never felt. i was born into Islam, so it's been part of my life and honestly, i feel nothing. yes i have my faith in god but it's not exactly what you would call strong. being a muslim, it's like breathing air - i've been so accustomed to it that i can't feel it except for the fact that it's there.

it's an unintentionally apathetic state of being. i do realize that i *could* do something about it. revive my faith to searing and soaring heights but this is where my cynicism about large organizations kick in. i still wonder why i resent going to madrasah/religion classes so much.
a) because the textbooks we have are not only in malay, but also leave a lot to be desired when it comes to editing. i have no idea why they keep on repeating the points over and over and over again. one word: hypnopaedia
b) because my parents MAKE me go. in true adolescent fashion, of course i would resent this act of repressing my right to Fuh-reedom haha. i don't think i can accept this reason though because i know it's stupid because after all it is For My Own Good and sooner or later, i will become a good person as a result of all these weekly 3 hour sessions ahahaha.
c) maybe it's because i am so bad at it. the theoretical bits bore me to death, and sometimes hold such archaic schools of thought that it offends me. i cannot memorize the arabic verses because well. i am absolutely lost in the arab lessons i have no idea what is going on.
d) and i think this is it: my mindset is that the teachers i have, would never accept my opinions on controversial issues as what they are. i have a feeling that they would understandably, try to change it. and this annoys me.

there are so many laws in the system of islam and christianity that create so much debate because no one is sure how to interpret or apply it in today's world. like the punishment by stoning in islam legal system and how the laws are manipulated to benefit sexism. the catholic church who did not allow the 9-year old kid to have an abortion. how is it, that in a world that is in shades of gray, would it be logical to use a set of black-and-white rules to govern it? the FACT that religion is not a perfect system makes me distrust it. (note: the organized religion, NOT god.) can i believe what they say, and where they direct me when it is wholly possible that they might be wrong, and why can't i do what i want.

the obvious reason - and i hate answering my own questions - is that this would lead to complete anarchy and people will use their own interpretations for their own selfish uses, and so we are back to square one.

i don't believe in the conventional heaven and hell. not absolutely.

one, why would god, want to inflict eternal pain upon us. honestly, what does He gain from this? it won't make us better people since from what we've been told, the afterlife is The End. and come on, do you think that god, a higher being would resort to fire and physical tortures in the event that He wants to punish us? He created the UNIVERSE and manymanymany things that we still do not understand; give the guy some credit. fire and brimstone is so lame.

and a heaven that promises riches, nubile virgins, palaces and grapes draping from vines. i would expect that the people deserving of heaven, the people who have got There would have been enlightened enough to forgo all these materialistic possesions, no? it would be terribly sad to supposedly have reached the highest stage of personal evolution and still hold this things dear. i would think that heaven would be a place where we would just be simply happy, contented and complete. to be close to god, and be complete - now THAT'S something. and the day when that would be all that i want would be the day i turn into a meditating hermit garbed in thin cotton on a windy peak that would NOT be bukit timah. but it is true nontheless, nothingness is what counts.

WHICH brings me to the point that (i shall tread carefully here) organized religion is highly a human creation. i am NOT SAYING that humans created god, that is just stupid. but i DO think that all the fuss surrounding god, is a product of man. the conventional imagery of heaven and hell are such because we needed something to persuade ourselves to be Good People. that's why it's there, i don't see any reason. all the infuriating dogma and laws there because the people in the organizations are trying their darndest to lead their people as well as they can. it's not their fault i suppose when their well-meaning laws cause trouble instead but i STILL HATE it when their self-righteous.

why can't i just have god, and my conscience. i would like to do good things because i WANT to, not because i want to go to heaven. i would like to avoid doing bad things because i don't want to inflict harm on others. why is that not enough, and why do i still have to subscribe to a whole lot of debatable instructions of how to be a Good Person. if i make a mistake, as i'm sure i will, i will learn from it, and NOT repeat it for the reason that i don't want to. not because i don't want to go to hell.

which is why i think that buddhism (as what i know) as a philosophy is the way to go. it originated as a philosophy anyhoo. the concepts of karmic retribution is elementary and fair. the afterlife ends with nirvana, and not some fairytale story about paradise. it seems to be the most logical, and therefore, most applicable.

and yet, i still feel the need to end this post with a re-affirmation that i am a muslim, with my faith in god and the prophet still intact. but maybe, not anything else.

things that i learn/am told never to do, but still end up doing anyway

- procrastinating

- lying

- spending too much munneh

- not sleeping enough

- reading past writings and worrying terribly about it.
apparently, CAP results are next week and oh so cleverly, in a moment of procrastination, i was fiddling with the junk on my desk and ended up flipping through the portfolio i spent. apart from the usual cringing and what-not, i was quite horrified at finding several grammar mistakes in this prose piece that i wrote in the middle of the night. i finished that piece, as the sun rose up. and aaand i am guessing, the sleep deprivation hangover lasted until the day i handed the portfolio in because in the many times that i read through it, i NEVER spotted it.

and i think i put that particular one first in the portfolios. *dies* gross grammatical errors. maybe i'm over-reacting, but i don't know how fussy this People are - DO YOU? no you don't.

here's a new addition to the above list: - being too paranoid and twitchy.

i would really really rather not go for the pre-u sem. CAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAP. maybe the People won't notice? *twitch* who are the people anyway! that's what i would want to know.

you know what this teacher of mine said to me? she told me that they had just pit me in the team of pre-u presenters, so i told her maybe she shouldn't because i'm still waiting for the CAP results, and if that gets through (pleasecrossesfingersplease), then i'd be pulling out of pre-u sem. and SHE went: "oh but from past experience, most applicants don't get through."

oh thank you, thank you very very much.








*and pass me your contact numbers via msn/e-mail people! its quite irksome when i on impulse, wish to call/message then realize that i can't because i'm not one of those fuh-reaks with the ability to memorize strings of seemingly random numbers. or you could leave it on my tagboard, but at the risk of attracting Annoying Stalkers of course. but then again, that could be something you might want to make your life uh, more interesting. who knows? i don't. GOODNIGHT AND GOODBYE - will go to sleep before i ramble myself off to sleep.

also! make sure you check out coraline by neil gaiman (yay zara). it is good.

also also! i have just racked up library fines on a book i borrowed, did not like, and didn't even finish. this dislike translated into procrastination, tardiness and cannot-be-bothered-ness. why do i keep doing this to myself. here's a good charity cause! The Pay Off Izyanti's Library Fines Fund - it even has a catchy last two words hoo. it's a finey-finey fine fund to contribute to kiddies, donate jeh-nerezzly so that she can continue scrounging for good books in the musty and smelly sock depths of the library. HAH new addition to the list: - paying library fines for books i did not like, and could not be bothered to finish.

i cannot believe that i am so naive to be still in disbelief that my handphone got stolen.

there are many things wrong with me, in this sense. i came home straight and stoned in front of the tv for what, about 5 hours. there goes all the studying i did in the library haha. let's make a list, whee.

What's Wrong With Me

- how idiotic can i be to leave my handphone (in my pencil case) while i go to the loo for FIVE FRIGGIN MINUTES. i just needed to shit, and came back with my phone GONE. and it's not even a the newestest-new model. oh god i feel so stupid. the horrid thing of course, is that i completely deserve it. one, because i was dumb enough to let my guard down. listen kiddies, the LIBRARY is a dangerous dangerous place. two, it's karmic retribution! for being momentarily bitchy, and and not being a nice person, and i'm still not brave enough to declare to the whole online world why i am such an imperfect person. bring on the fire and brimstone.

- and yet, i cannot help but blame (a little) the people who were sitting JUST beside me. HOW COULD THEY NOT NOTICE SOMEONE DIPPING THEIR HANDS INTO MY PENCIL CASE, that's what i want to know. stupid ajc geeks engrossed in their c maths. and yes, that comment is absolutely uncalled for, and i really don't mean it just let me rant okay. and no, they weren't the ones who took it. the security guy checked them - and i felt so so so horrid for putting them through that. harmless group of fellow muggers. hah I kept apologizing through the whole thing, that's the irony.

- i hate the fact that i bear a significant portion of the blame.

- and me, being completely anal, i'll link a lot of seemingly random things to today's Incident. for example, i will never be able to wear the shirt i'm wearing, or listen to the thrill's Deckchairs and Cigarettes without linking it to today. i cannot help it, i am stupid.

- the stupidly ironic thing is that while walking to the lrt on th eway to the library, i realized i forgot to bring my handphone. and i actually paused, and dithered whether i should walk aaaaaaall the way back, in the drizzle, to get my phone. and i did, for the logical reason of staying contactable. see kiddies, this is a Lesson In Which Being Logical Does Not Pay. if i had not gone back, i wouldn't have had it with me during the short duration at the library and mother dearest would me mildly angry, but if i had gone back, like i did, then mother dearest would be very angry (as she is) and AND, my phone would be with me (as i wish it were).

- and i cannot help but think ridiculous thoughts like, "see i should have stayed home and slacked. this is all because you went out to STUDY - what does this mean? next time, just STAY HOME." and "who asked you to be so geekily enthusiastic, studying in APRIL, pre-emptively reviewing all the econs notes and what-shit. mugging is bad.", anything to avoid the fact that it's my fault. i was mugged while mugging! sorry, i know, tis lame. bear with me.

- i just really really want my phone back. i can't even think about getting a replacement because i am just so caught up in uh, grief. IT IS TRUE. i just want MY phone back. all the contacts, and the funny pictures and videos. all the ones with charmaine being vainpotty and chinese new year@cjc and My First Ever X-Country and the 100Plus Endorsement video and nyiaaargh.




















i feel positively miserable.

and so begins my life being seventeen. i now have a magazine dedicated especially to me and my age group (not that i'll patronize it hoohoo) and and, apparently will spend the whole 365 days being nothing short of sweet. well it is now the 7th, and so 364 days more to go! what is the point of being seventeen, that's what i want to know. i still "can't" watch M-18 movies, uh buy alcohol, uh go clubbing so what am i seventeen for.

firstest first, a thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you to everybody who made my birthday a better day than usual - this would mean tash zara steffi and the rest of 1t03 for the delish cake! am liking my kiwi bag and viridian jelly slippers muchos *smiles* also, the random calls and well-wishing from um jeanie amanda nadya desmond matthew. CHARMAINE LEE YUN HUA who called me in the early morn (something impossible, usually), whom i miss terribly. and everybody else! (because i may have forgotten AND because i'm feeling particularly magnanimous tonight ahaha)

so! a few surprises sprung up on me yesterday, of which i shall not elaborate here. but anyway, it will prove to be an interesting year - or so my die-hard (i would say desperate) optimist cries.

today, was out with siew ching for linner (lunch cum dinner!) and then we popped over to kino to check out literature guidebooks. to digress a little: oh the shame the shame! to have to depend on guide books but damn william blake makes me feel absolutely stupid. and the fact that the diction is so simple, it appears deceptively elementary which grk DOES NOT HELP. i go to school, and come home feeling stupid. something doesn't quite click here.

back to my pointy-point! so we were at kino's literature section when this oldish japanese man comes up to us and asks, "are you looking for a higher and deeper meaning to life?" which of course, left us puzzled bemused and at least on my part, wary. cheeky old men you know, hurhur. BUT, it turns out, that's he's a struggling writer, having written a couple of books - one having taken him 14 YEARS and basically, i think he is rather bitter because he cannot find a publisher.

ahh the trials and tribulations, we all suffer for our art. i don't know why either, but i AM being mildly sarcastic as i say this.

we had an amusing rant, the three of us, but it was mostly him talking. he's travelled alot, the most recent being europe. he sleeps in changi airport, stubbled, dishevelled, and ranting against the commercialism and rubbish found on the shelves of kinokuniya. it was interesting, and there were many points in which we agreed upon and sincerely, i sympathize the guy. but you know, for the most part, he amused me. i'm sorry siew ching, but he did.

his unfailing idealism and utter conviction of his talent. both, terribly admirable - it's quite difficult to stubbornly maintain your idealogies (an OLD MAN, i remind you) and well, being absolutely sure of your own competency, it's something that's quite remarkable. the thing is, both notions are so foolish.

he had a few copies of his work, which we browsed through. the 14 year-novel and a collection of haikus. it was pretty good, the haikus but nothing uh, absolutely profound and we could only flip throough the novel and all i managed to catch was a lot of dialogue. it was bare, very sparse but he did say he was more ernest hemingway but really, i couldn't catch any striking linguistic style or what-not. but you know how literature is - it only becomes that after you die (and yes, i did tell him this and haha he agreed.) what disturbed me was his conviction though, that he was convinced that what he has produced was a masterpiece and in his words, a diamond. the way i see it, writing is a continual process so the epitome of perfection cannot exist. it's always better being a self-critic than a self-appraiser, and so much more worse when you are so very convinced. but, i'm just a 17 year old, he was in his 50s - maybe he knows something i don't know.

among other things, he talked about the stupidity of capitalism and that he fully supports communism. personally, i think there is no way communism can successfully work as long as the most fundamental factor, that is, our basic human nature does not change. we will succumb to greed for wealth and power, and come to think of it now, it is strange that for a man who has been through so many rejections that stem from a form of greed (commercialism), that he still believes in inner human goodness.

he was truly, from what we saw, a caricature of the idealistic, struggling artist. i completely, thoroughly admire his drive and i suppose, courage, but at the same time, i want to tell him "wake up and smell the fertilizer", but i didn't have the heart to. because there's a degree of delusion in being so confident that your work is full-blown literature and because of the indulgent masochism of being the struggling artist. i should know; takes one to know one. i hope he will be okay, an incredible character to meet.

there's a reason idealism is called what it is. if idealism was a workable notion, it'll be pragmatism wouldn't it. it exists EXACTLY because it'll fail in application.

his name was hideo asanki.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

i wrote a lengthy, actually intelligent reply to siew ching's blog entry about vietnamese brides and my mum did something and IT IS GONE! one day, when i am more calm and my neurones are not so annoyed, i will recall what i wrote, probably realize "whaaat, this is IT? the supposedly intelligent discourse - how embarassing", but for now, i shall mourn its sudden demise!

and so, i am going to rant angrily about something else that pisses me off:

SIMPLE PLAN.

stupid pop-punk angsty fluff! listen, there are bigger things in life than yor personal heartaches - the world is not going to stop its orbit because your girlfriend hates you or what shit. something i hate even more! the bloody idiots who go oh look at me, i'm so punk because i listen to simple plan and (wtf!) PUG JELLY. what is wrong with these people!! they're hiding under their ability to actually play instruments and write pathetically mediocre songs but they are actually boybands dammit HOW BLIND CAN YOU BE.

there. that slightly eases my pissed-offiness about my entry that went away!

maybe pop-punk bands have a purpose after all. as my punching bag! I don't understand how i can get so riled up about their existence but maaan, it just makes me grit my teeth augh. and pug jelly is crap. monkey shit! i'm sorry but their a pathetic excuse of a local band because a)it's pop fluff once again and b)THEIR A LOCAL BAND BANKING ON THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T LOOK LOCAL. how asinine can things get, honestly.

idiots.

so here is a list, a continuance (is there such a word?) of my indulgence of HOW PISSED I AM.

things that cause much annoyance to me

- last minute changes
- waiting for people
- last minute changes that force me to wait for people
- trashy music that blares on and on and on
- the people who for some reason, adore said trashy music.
- girls who dress in pink from top to bottom. honestly!
- reading a book, realizing it is absolute crap but forcing myself to continue anyway because i have to, and then returning it to the library late and having to pay insaaaaane fees because of a book that i DID NOT LIKE. i am stupid.

after this i am going to download pop-punk trash about the profound such as how the life of a teenager is difficult and i can't get a date for the prom, find myself a corner and give myself papercuts that spell out M-Y-L-Y-F-E-S-U-X.

do you want to know why i am blogging?

i am blogging because i have a bag of Marks&Spencer's Milk Chocolate Buttons beside me and ergo, i am happy. why do my recent posts revolve around food, i do not know. today i did not finish my warm and gooey brownie because i cannot believe i'm saying this, but it was to chocolatey. yes almost-blasphemous.

sadly, the buttons are getting a bit soft and messy to eat while hogging the computer and so, i have dumped them in the fridge where i shall rescue (fear not, muh buttons!)them before the Eville hands of equally chocolate loving mother and brother discover their existence. they are miney miney mine and unless i generously offer them to you, yes, still mine.

what absolutely incoherent rambling. matthew said that my last post was completely pointless. he is wrong, i think. ALL MY RECENT POSTS HAVE BEEN POINTLESS. i wish somebody would explain this phenomenon to me - why is it that i have absolutely nothing meaningful to say. it is strange and inexplicable.

something is wrong.

but you know, it matters not as long as i have my milk chocolate buttons. hmm i am beginning to notice an obsessive trend towards my milk chocolate buttons. today, we bought our uniforms. which admittedly, as much as i'm liking cjc so so so much, really look like factory uniforms. it is quite sad. how is it then that my fellow peers do not appear factory worker-like whereas i look as if i just stepped out of an electronics assembly line.

they say the the feeling of jealousy comes when you feel something that you think rightfully belongs to you has been wrongly taken away or withheld. which perhaps, explains why i no longer feel such an emotion. ahh you know who and what i'm talking about. typing the above out, i realized how much stronger the word "feel" is rather than "think". i suppose it doesn't apply to everybody but i do think that the emotional undercurrent plays a majoy part during Crucial Decision Making-time, which is perhaps, why i did not even apply for nyjc. i wonder whether this trait will prove to be my downfall in the future. i cannot be help but be rash and impulsive, and only a shred of logical sentiment holds me back from being completely stupid.

what a load of self-indulgent crap.

i don't know, but i noticed how that when it comes to dreams (the literal kind), it's the emotional undercurrent that makes up the main body of it. it's like when you had an especially moving dream and try to tell somebody, or write it down but it just absolutely falls FLAT because the mere desription of what happened and when the pink elephant fell out of the sky or when i took mathsC and got an A - it doesn't matter because it's not what you FELT.

not to be uber-morbid (which i uh, unsuccessfully try to keep sekrit) but i've had one of those dreams that go around your own suicide. it's common i know, but so very very impactful. mine was about how i popped pills and was waiting to die yadda yadda realized i didn't want to, regretted it and then as i was all morose and unhappy (SEE, SUICIDE IS NOT THE SOLUTION KIDDIES. chocolate buttons are.) the doctor told me that oops, you're not going to die after all because you didn't pop enough pills and i was disappointed that i was not going to die.

the point is!

throughout the entire, painfully long and tiring dream, i had this incredibly uncomfortably feeling. unsettling, out of sorts, in a high tension kind of way - WHICH i only realized today could be likened to what it feels like when you hold your breath and there's the unsettling tight STILLNESS and auugh. something like that.

surprise surprise, anotherlist!
things that give me a Good Impression on schools

- having toilet paper in the loo
- having good toilet paper in the loo (hurhur)
- having nice smelling soap in the loo
- nice administrative staff!
- interesting magazines to read in the general office
- a good selection of junk food in the canteen
- their school bell
- student artworks hanging on the walls
- the price of Ribena!

here's an appeal to the random readers out there: i heard that the NJC uniform is water-resistant for a whole of EIGHT seconds and and! is fire-retardant. but this means that the new uniform is very stiff so to soften the material, they BURN (well, kinda)it. tell me, is this true?! or, another mere urban legend against njc people. njc people are always being bullied on the grapevine, the poor things. take heart, they think cjc people are a bunch of skanks.

well. i haven't met any. skunks even! we are very hygienic here at cj.

do you know, i actually was in the process of writing an entry -

- and how i wish i could blame a temperamental internetexplorer or one of those ideeyot bugs for horrifically causing the dissipation of a painfully lenghthy entry. but i cannot. because uh, i did write something, but i got distracted and could not be bothered to save what i had written also because, it was only a pathetic non-purpose two paragraphs.

ahh. i learnt something today, in an MSN conversation. who says these things aren't educational? the thing is of course, i wish i didn't. i really, absolutely would rather have not.

this is poop.

more lists to compose myself! how strange that when it comes to actual writing, i hate any form of structure or what do they love to call it? ah yes. scaffolding.

what i ate today

- a bowl of oxtail instant noodles
- 4 small packets of those intense MSG-ed orange coloured mini-stick crackers.
- one bottle of mineral water
- 3 barbecued sausages
- 6 sticks of beef satay
- 1 small cup of unidentfied syrup drink
- 1 mug of super-sweet/creamy milo with mini marshmallows
- 1 cup of ribena

things that i need to do

- finish writing for jcCAP portfolio auugh
- finish writing + photocopying + colouring The Lonely Clud
- repress my Inner Cynic!
- sleep more.
- randomly, i wish life was a musical.

hah new list!

today's OST
- 100 ways to be a good girl; skunk anansie
- misery; the moffats
- fly me to the moon; diana krall
- dreaming of you; the coral
- megalomania; incubus
- faint; linkin park
- adrienne; the calling
- emotions; destiny's child.
- the blower's daughter; damien rice
- so sublime; skunk anansie
- anti-love song; skin+lenny kravitz
- all i have; jennifer lopez (and no, i have no idea why its here either!)
- the very thought of you; natalie cole.









and is this how i'm going to end my post?

things i ate today (in chronological order):

- a cup of water
- a sugary donut
- an orange
- an orange
- a sugary donut
- four blackcurrent Fruit-Tips
- one big triangular sushi thingy
- a pack of 6 of those small sushi things
- three pieces of roti kirai that my mum made (whee tlc.)
- a mini-tub of strawberry jam that they give you with your muffin/scone at various overpriced coffee joints. eaten in bed, scooped up with a finger, reading a darkly hilarious book, unearthed from the mustiness of the neighbourhood library.

i did not realize i ate so little today. also, i've forgotton how calming it is to make lists.

things that i learnt today:

- it is crucial to press the bus bell thing because the bus driver will NOT stop at the school bus stop despite his bus carrying near a dozen of cjc people. it is not his fault i suppose; he must be stoned from the routine and early morning. so what does this goes to show! early mornings are not good for you becaue it zonks out the mind, and age does not matter! you will be zonked whether you're 17 or 47.

- it is actually nice to walk along the shoulder lane of the expressway, because of all the wind. so despite the carbon monoxide, it is nice.

- i do not care much about you-know-who anymore. or to be more accurate, as much. or maybe, it's just today hmm. doesn't matter.

- it is disturbing to hear your art teacher say, "i don't know what i'm doing with my life either", especially when you only said i don't know what i'm doing because you were referring to your painting. it is quite bleak when the truth that we'll never reach a point of certainty is shoved in the face, grk.

- how very little of the 'significant' things i learnt today actually comes from the lessons i actually went through. ironic, considering we spend most of the time in school, and how very little it matters now! like the 0 Levels; who gives a shiet now? it's over and all that is left is a stupid number that dictates the next few number of your life. what is the point of academia?! augh it never matters in the end.

- the book i read today imparted me with the thinking that when you have a fatal disease, WHAT disease it is ceases to in importance because it doesn't matter. a rough quote from the book (because i cannot be bothered to run up to bedroom to get it) "What was this illness? I am not going to tell you because it doesn't matter!" and this was said by the third speaker narrative when the protagonist's mother is dying. sooper whimsical, and the book is full of these kind of interjections - wonderfully and insanely profound. it is a book of darkly amoosing ramblings that make sense!!

- oranges are a sensory pleasure to eat when you peel away the white stringy layer on the individual wedges so that all is left is the naked pulp. according to zara, i'm stripping away all the vitamin C hmm nothing's perfect.

The End.

things that i need to learn:

a) not to blog when you don't have much to say actually
b) not to procrastinate (malay and gp homework augh aaaaaugh)
c) not to procrastinate by blogging.

also, i need to figure out why i do not have much to say when actually, there is. so much that i want to say, and i suppose i'm waiting for the right time and the right person - so obviously this blog, as much as i try to keep it a honest representation of myself, it is not the avenue.

how strange.

i am not used to this feeling of keeping things to myself, what i used to do was to wear my heart (auugh cliche alert!) on my bloody sleeve. what makes this whole thingy even more..odd is the paradoxical nature of this situation. its a tad frustrating and sad i guess that i don't think there is anybody who completely understands me at this current period of time (unlike, well, last time lah) and on the other hand, there's this almost bitter smugness that smirks oh hah you think you know me so well, pbbt.

i am guessing that the lattar voice belongs to my inner, marginal but still significant, misanthrope.

oh but i should be so happy! that's what i realize everytime i sink into these melancholic musings. also, shut up yanti shut up! but then again, despite every other positive-ish thing that i'm going through, i cannot help but dwell on a certain issue that really lah, it unsettles me. it leaves me uneasy and i'm not sure what to do, and the thing is, i think that the resolution, if it exists, it has to come from myself.

i wish she would talk to me. there, i said it.

on a lighter note - and a sigh of relief choruses from the readers! i went to sentosa with 1t01 today, twas fun. DID NOT GET BURNT --> this is good, it means i have learnt my lesson and therefore, am not completely dense =) the water was really pretty today, very aquamarine. i wonder why, natasha says that hoohoo maybe they put in chlorine in the water but nyiaaaargh sentosa is not /that/ artificial right? right. but you know, the day's weather was perfect, the water was beautiful, we were missing a tedious and painfully tiring looooong day in school - things were going so well! how can this be? i'll tell you why:

the water today had a lot of those itty-bitty sea critters that bite/sting you and it really hurts! grk. they are normally around, yes i know, and i'm not a softie okay. today's onslaught of these naaaaaaaaasty plankton was exceptionally bad. we're swimming to the platform or just floating around and we'd be like, ow. ow. swim faster - ow. ow. maybe it was the high tide, because i think the last time it was half as bad, i was swimming in the morning as well. stupid plankton. why are they so meaan? ruined the first bit of swimming *rowr* had red bumps on spots where they bit me.

maybe it's the plankton's way of saying: hah you bunch of naked apes! though we're small, we can still cause alotta pain, take that you buggers! or, maybe it liked aaaaugh new theory! candice's sunblock. maybe. most of us were using her's, and it's the kind that smells really yummy and tasty - at least, it did to me. it smelt edible! like wonderfully, artificially flavoured bubblegum =)

you know, i think having a three-day work week really agrees with me. last week, i skipped wednesday, and we didn't have school on friday. this week, monday and tuesday. i feel much more calm. hmm, seemingly. actually, am quite niggled by the thought of all the missed lessons, and uh, facing my malay teacher. *nods sadly* it's my Inner Hermione. she just refuses to go away, and with the relative success of the O's, she been nagging not to be complacent. pbbt, i say.

aiya i can't keep this semblance of whimsical rambling up anymore. i'm sad today, despite yes, i had fuuuuuuuun at sentosa and candice's, which uh, makes me feel quite guilty for (is it?) this indulgence. but i am. pbbt!

nyiaaaaaaargh.











izyanti is a bitter bitter person. she supposes it would help if she knew why exactly she's feeling this sentiment but as of now, she really does not know. this also confuses her since everything is seemingly going well for her. WHY IS SHE..twitchy?

maybe it's because she sees people around her who are unhappy, and she's (or was) happy and now wonders why she is/was.

people are going away from her life! YES. that is it, the reason, or part of it, for her twitchiness. she's nervy that soon she'll have nobody because well, she's not that stupid to kid herself - things never last forever anyway. why is everyone going away, and why am i still here?

so much for keeping things detached and in the third person. why is everyone going away.

i suppose it is time to update.




















what is there to say though?

the euphoria of the O Levels is over, and i am glad. contented, thankful, for what i got. for the first time in four years, i think i finally got the results that my effort deserved.

trash-picking CIP at sungai buloh was cancelled due to the hevay rain. flash flood! nobody was willing to die for CIP.

people are going away, which leaves me quite sad. have not heard from some people in a long time, and i quite miss them. the people that i see relatively often, well, things are not the same anymore anyway. am rather sombre tonight. i wonder why.

heavy things unneccesarily weighing me down.

hmm.

it is strange how fiercely loyal to cjc i can already be, at times. charmaine's been asking around about cjc, and was..alarmed by all the negative commentary that she received. the typical 'cjc has a bad reputation', 'highest abortion rates!!' etc. okay, so fine, am not so sure about the lattar comment but am pissed about the first one! the people i met are generally nice and are hardly the havoc sluts/whores that this false notion implies. grk!

then, was also miffed when her mum felt that if it came down between JJC and CJC, she might as well pick the first since it's nearer and both are average. i don't think we're averaaaage! i suppose i'm being quite biased but nevertheless, i really believe what i say. we have great teachers (econs excluded, for obvious reasons hurhur) and an environment that has the right balance of fun and mugging. of course i say this with the complete awareness that this might only apply to me since it is after all, my opinion, but still! the point is, I LIKE IT HERE. yes - more than i did in bp when it comes down to the actual learning.

i may whine and moan at the workload and tiring onslaught of lessons, but i find that at the end of it, i still enjoy it. again, this excludes econs tutorials lah, hurhur.

man, why do i feel like i'm talking in circles?

it would be nice to have a wand and *poof* make everything all right.

a most definitely absolutely very rather quite long wait
and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait fear and wait and wait and wait anxiety and wait and stop.

one,
two,
three more

days!too soon.

a product of today's lecture on free verse. i rambled another one as well, but it's circular SO.

waaah am hungry.

sometimes i wonder whether im over-doing it. but then i think, there's no harm in it i suppose other than the fact that i will be disappointed quite a number of times - but that should be all right. at least, i think so. what i am trying to do is to cram in all that i missed out on in secondary school in these two years of jc.

hah i say that as if i KNOW i'm staying in jc. it's a toughie contemplating or approximating what's going to happen come monday.

i have no idea.

okay i can see this entry is absolutely going nowhere, so i shall shut up now.

i have avowed to be a Nice Person for the next few days in an effort to garner Good Karma, seeing that our Os results are coming reaaaaaaaaaally soon. i can see however, that i will not be able to keep to this and that this entry will most definitely break it. *sigh* it's not my fault really, its the existence of (insert insulting term here) people!

you see, i was reading the newspaper today and there was this really annoying letter sent in by somebody in the forum, whining about how "free mass displays of art should stop until Singaporeans know how to appreciate them".

he was whining about how such exhibitions are prone to vandalism but come on! the artist is placing his work in public, and risks like vandalism must be and have already been taken into account anyway. it's idiotically idealistic to be so outraged at vandalism - it happens. and instead of taking it so negatively and "oh nobody understands us artists, woe is me!" (he's an art and design student), we can/should(?) take it as society interacting with art. art after all, is about the public reacting to your work and if vandalism is their reaction..well.

i can agree that singaporeans are not all artistically aware such that they always have a profound appreciation for art, and that there is a general mass of plebians in our society who think art is just indulgent fluff (which admittedly, it sometimes is). but what, since when was vandalism unique to Uniquely Singapore? I don’t have concrete evidence either, but I’m assuming that there is hardly a place in the world where public works of art are not subjected to some degree of vandalism. again, IT HAPPENS. the society we live in isn’t perfect, and it just annoys me when people criticize singaporean society as if it’s a perfect utopia out there and we live in a barbaric state.

and for an ART student to assume perfection as the default for society, I cannot help but think how stupidly narrow his mindset and thinking must be.

this is not to say I would not be unhappy if MY own work was vandalized. if I had put it up, willingly, at the risks that the public poses, of course I would be upset but I would also accept it. it’s silly to do otherwise! it’s like, walking down a Taliban afghanistan in a bikini as a political statement, and then to get upset when they stone you to death. if it was put up AGAINST my permission *coughschoolexhibitscough*, then duh I would be thoroughly pissed.

if you want your work to be safe, then keep it at home swathed in layers and layers of cotton! don't show it to the world because hey the world is a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangerous place, didn't you hear?

i've always been puzzled by the way statues are always made off limits to wandering hands by lurking security guards. i suppose it's because i'm a very tactile person but my point is that the fact that it is a three dimensional work should mean that it ought to be experienced three dimensionally as well! to see is one thing, but to touch is an entirely different plane of experience. especially for sculptures, the textures and contours unfelt because we're not allowed to, what a waste!

to have it invisibly cordoned off seems to me as if they want the piece of art to be isolated from society, untouchable. literally, to be put on a pedestal. which doesn't make sense - because isn't art suppose to reflect society, it's a PART of society. there should be an interaction between the two, so when this statue -a reflection of life as the artist knows it- is placed out of bounds, it's unfair. if the artist was allowed to use society as material for his art, it seems imbalanced that we are not allowed to have it in OUR own sphere of living.

but you get my point, don’t you?

you know what? i just realized how much i miss buffy the vampire slayer.

to be more specific, the relantionship dynamics between buffy and spike. *squee james marsters awesome* but then again, how can we not take into account willow turning Evil, and why. and xander, the poor guy. i always felt he's been short-changed somehow, it's the story of his life. buffy has always annoyed me though; it's always been about the people revolving around her for me.

in it's own way, the later seasons were beautiful. depthful and thought-provoking, wonderfully complex with yes, literary undertones. which is why when i turn bloody rich and my dad finally decides to purvey a DVD player, i'm getting the..last three seasons of BTVS. just enough without bloody friggin angel. as spike would say, tall dark and forehead - the bloody git.

i love the show.

watching it, it could just move me so much. yes, it is very angsty in a sense, but not well *cough* ala the OC or horror of horrors, Charmed. and no, i do not hide my disdain for the latter. only buffy fans will understand *shakes head sadly*

spike was a wonderful character (and yes, it helped that hurhur he's hot), but his prior inner turmoil of being good/eville, and later on, the horror in which he realizes that yes, he looooves buffy and of course, the absolutely perverse way in which he goes about doing it. he's at the same time, a gentleman and well, spike. and the way and times buffy hurts him! ah that eville biyatch. no i can never forgive her for doing that to him; his complete devotion and the paaaaain that he goes through for her. it makes my heart cry.

ah. the ramblings of a fangirl suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

listening to john mayer's Neon, tis groovy indeed. whee free music provided by daryl, thanks.

you know, i had a good old mugging session planned for myself at the library today after school and i was actually off to a good start. the jeanie popped over and we started yabbering like old times =) and i told myself, "nemind, i'll just talk to her for the hour that she's here then i can continue mugging". then nadya popped over as well.

*sigh*

gossip gossip.

when jeanie left, i managed to get some mugging done because well, i've known nadya for like, for-evaaaaah and i'm so sick of her. kidding! *hugs* she was still playing with her blu-tacl - how typical of her to be absolutely fascinated by the completely inane! but yes, i suppose that is how her *cough* mind works. anyhoo, she left to take a purchasing tour of the canteen, and when she came back, she dragged along yes, desmond.

augh! and there goes another bout of gossiping. you know, kinda like bp reunion of sorts (HAH! three people.) it was fuuuuun, strange how thegrapevine continues functioning despite being away from the vineyard itself. i suppose that is the extent of it's tendrils.

okay okay stupid analogy i know! i'll shut up now

so desmond learnt something new today snerk! i learnt something new today! something that i will not air on this blog, but aini gennie come talk to me! hurhur. also, we know that someone(s) thinks someone else is the Hotness.

hyok. ah. the shallow giddy fun of such gossiping.

but you know, me. i'm blind-sided by my own object of infatuation. oh oh of which the gossiping session also yielded a nugget of happy hope! he noticed when i am un-there! bear with me, and the little inane things that entertain me.

oh no. i'm just like nadya.

THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

then me and nad (grammatically incorrect i know, but sounds more normal ya?) took the 985 and trooped down to our old home base: LOT 1!! was sorely disappointed cuz my cheap+good black ink pens are gone. if anybody sees mon ami black gel ink pens that cost a mere yes, $0.65, please grab a few for me! i will love you with all my heart. i think it's my surfing of the crimson tide, but waaaah. we popped over to nyiaaargh that teenybopper place, more than words, and went nutty over of all things

stickers!

you know, the puffy cute ones. but really, i fell in looove with them. so cheap, and i can't help but use this adjective once again, cute. i got um chocolatey ones, duckey ones and WHEE cluddy ones! the thing is, i don't usually go for kawaai-cute things like these. and yet today. wah. must be the hormones! either that, or truly my brain is rotting away...from?

happy i am. also, blythe badges.

a very very very fun valentine's at cjc! chocolates candy and cheeriness galore; oh we felt so loved what with the massive exchange of personalized "i heart (insert name here)" stickers - tangible evidence of friendship and luh-urve! what more could i want?

yes.





























*sigh*

i suppose It went relatively well. we shall have to see of course; and i thought 40 minutes was long, pbbbbbt! but do not worry faithful readers! i am not all melancholic like a certain clud, or love-lorn and dying *melodrama!* from a broken heart. i am finey-fine, and re-assure myself that in uh, 20 years time i shall look back and laugh. LAUGH with much glee and giddy euphoria. hopefully, at that point of time, i will not be clothed in a straitjacket yes thankyouverymuch.

but he is lah. why i am such a sucker for pretty faces i do not know; what i do not even know more is why i am such a sucker especially for his!

go figure.

but warily, i advise you not to give me something of a freudian nature because bless that german doode, his theories are rather perturbing and not something i want to consider hmm.

augh frock-shit.

i don't have my malay dictionary with me, and i have homework that needs it, due monday. and a teacher who wields a hefty threat of detention till 2200, and i actually think she will pull it off because
a) they have night study for the jc2s so it's logistically possible.
b) yes, she can be that big a meanie.

*sigh*

what i would do to get back my malay slackery days in secondary school. but still, one more year. a single year. i think i shall be able to survive that, somehow. things are not too bad - i'm still rather abysmally incompetent (at least, i think i am) but fortunately, that doesn't seem to matter much in cj. everybody sucks. so yes, no aini/rafidah (basically anyone who's actually REALLY good in malay) to feel sucky with.

see? a bloody silver lining behind every clud.

speaking of cluds, i have embarked on a new writing adventure! honestly, i think it's so cute it kills me. a children's story, with illustrations to boot; and whimsical a prose/poetry hybrid to tell the the tale of a lonely clud. i haven't had this much fun since...i can remember, writing-wise. it's fleshing out quite nicely (33 little panels and counting), and is getting to be much longer than i expected.

how very thrilling!

its squee luhvly when stories and plotlines just develop on their on, you can actually see the evolution process - it still makes me giddy(?) when i write this way. to hell with plot outlines! although, i'm currently a little stuck but not to worry! will be meeting up with charmaine and matthew for lunch, who will feed me with fodder to continue this indulgence.

i suppose this is why, before everything else, i'll always be a prose-ish writer. followed by, uh, art student + wannabe sometimes thespian + never-poet. i cannot wait for jc CAP, and will die if i don't get in. a possibility that my enthusiasm does not want to consider.

in commemoration of the coming Valentine's day (and yes, i know tis early):

An Original Poem in Latin and Five Translations.

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
- Catallus (circs 85-55 B.C)

I love and hate, Ah! Never ask why so!
I hate and love. . . . and that is all I know.
I see ‘tis folly, but I feel ‘tis woe.
- Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864)

I hate and love. Why? You may ask but
It beats me. I feel it done to me and ache.
- Ezra Pound (1885-1972)

O th’hate I move love. Quarry it fact I am, for that’s so re
queries.
Nescience, say th’fiery scent I owe whets crookeder.
- Celia & Louis Zukofsky (1904-1978)

I hate & love. And if you should ask how I can do both,
I couldn’t say; but I feel it, and it shivers me.
- Charles Martin (b. 1942)

I hate and love. Ignorant fish, who even
Wants the fly while writhing.
- Frank Bidart (b. 1939)

something i remembered i had stowed away in the corners of my computer. this is what musing on love with a friend online will do to you.

personally, i like the ezra pound the best.

that is all i have to say today. meanwhile, curling under my rock, i shall ponder and muse how i will pull of the stunt that i am planning. if you do not hear of me by monday evening, you will know that i would have decided to permanently make that rock my primary residence.

huh.

self-censorship. i don't think i've found myself doing this, at least, not consciously. so not to worry, i'm NOT being PAP-ized! it's just a niggling undercurrent whenever i start blogging or am thinking about blogging. but then again, maybe its an excuse i use to make up for my lack of entries and therefore, lack of material to be blogged about, so THERE. hurhur.

i don't know (do we ever?). and i don't think i would ever want to start up a private blog.

cue: paradox.

on the basis of principles, i think starting a private blog in co-existence with a public one isn't being very honest to your "audience" and is already a form of self-censorship. you're already segregating what you say into private and public categorizations, and i don't think that's very different from publicizing some opinions, and keeping the rest silent by not saying it out loud.

also, i think having an audience so to speak forces us to grow up. i would imagine that if i allow myself to come up with a private blog that has no readership of the people i know, i would literally lose control and rant and rant and rant with much prejudice, angst and lack of thought. because when "nobody" reads it, you don't have to worry about being fair or remotely intelligent. do you really need proof? all i have to do to convince myself how things will turn out private-blogging would be to find one of my old diaries, read it and try not to die cringing. so even though this means scurrying away the facet of immaturity etc and therefore not being true to yourself, maybe this is a good thing after all. a blog doesn't necessarily have to mean you become an open book. the question is, do i really want other people to be able to confirm what an immature arse i am?

of course not. i will be an enigma! i'm going to keep you buggers guessing moohar.

also. the attention loving slut that i (sometimes) am, thrives on readership. *shakes head sadly* and for a moment, you guys thought i had achieved inner zen and enlightenment, and i just HAD to ruin it with the above statement.

ah well. enough bush-beating about self-censorship, moooooooving on!

my cough is slowly killing my brain. eveytime i launch into a coughing spasm, my brain feels like it's bouncing off against my skull and oh dear gawd can you imagine hpw many neurones may be dying at this rate?! the horror the horror. on a happier note, my medication is a full force sleep-inducing concoction! according to mother dearest, the cough syrup that i'm taking is actually a morphone derivative - which explains the wonderfully woozy light-headiness i felt before falling into a 6 hour nap.

morphine. cool.

i have learnt however, that a scoop of mango sorbet, a square of cadbury dairy milk chocolate, a few ikan bilis, a handful of yummalicious raisins, and a canned longan indeed, does make a difference. ask my raw throat and aching stomach (from the surpressed coughing fits). Lesson: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHE, but also realzie that you will not when faced with uh, tempting treats and that therefore, you will suffer anyway.

sighy-sigh. V-day next monday. and yes i want to do something non-platonic this year, but knowing my aversion towards emotionally traumatizing/humiliating situations, i most likely won't be doing anything. if you're reading this, 'guy-on-the-bus', dammit, i lalalalalala-ike you! and i have no idea why either, so poo.

yes. i was planning to sms everybody a Happy Chinese New Year!! this morning, but because i woke up at 1625 all woozy, i uhh forgot. so here it is: happy chinese new year to:
- the convalently bonded clique!
- 1t11
- 1to1
- random cjc-ers
- random blog readers

i love you all, like omg i can't believe i won! i'd like to thank my mother, my father, my parents, the people who failed and therefore, allowed me to win, my Eville Minions -

oops. wrong speech.

okay.

i am going to be the how many-th blogger to examine the issues of privacy and self-censorship when it comes to what we do, blogging. a warning, it will be very brief and not thorough, as all my recent *sighs* posts have been, because like everyone else, i am tired.

good ole hazri has blogged a considerably lengthy post on exactly what has been troubling me this past few weeks. blogging, it IS dangerous. and our fears are not unfounded, and they ARE NOT PARANOID. i know it just reeks of irony when we panic over who exactly might be reading our blogs because of free-linking, since we have willingly exposed it to the internet.

the thing is, privacy and the degree of exposure is all an abstract concept and we don't really feel the invasion of privacy (self-caused, i know)until something happens and it really WHAMS home. suddenly, we realize that we have not control over what we write anymore, because we cannot control who reads it! the creator, is left with no control - and yes, this is really scary.

some things i write here, I DON'T WANT CERTAIN PEOPLE TO KNOW. and oh gawd, it's really pointless creating a disclaimer! it's like when people say, "i don't mean to be rude/critical/bitchy but -" and go ahead and be it anyway. it just doesn't work. the only way(s)out, is to either not give a flying shit (and this is quite difficult unless you're emotionally autistic) or well, yes here is the dreaded word: self-censorship.

and what is the point of a blog when there is a self-censorhip.

notice that the above is NOT a question, but a statement. so. if this blog suddenly turns silent -and i really hope it doesn't-, you know why. i shall be joining the growing ranks of bloggers who just quietly fade away into increased anonymity.

i have something to say.


































i am zonked.

we are zonked.


















*dies*

all right all right, i'm forcing myself to blog here. the reason for my sudden lack of entries? i don't know, i'm starting to feel stupid blogging, with the assumption that people are actually interested in what this 16-going-on-17 wants to say. like, omg why do you care?!

really.

and yet, here i am. the truth is, i'm having a lot of fun in jc. the class just ISN'T 406 (can anything ever be?), but that notwithstanding, i am having a good time. i'm doing fairly well in class, the teachers don't think i'm a delinquent(!) and i'm sooper-sooper enthusiastic in all my CCAs.

i really do want to take over the school *eville laugh* such is the extent of my ambition. yes, i do realize it is rather impractical but you know i have an affinity towards hyperboles! i'm having fun meeting new people, some i like, some i don't. some with whom i can see the potential of the beginnings of a Wondrous friendship (fellow aries!), and some one to fix my hurhur devotions upon. i suppose this is what 'living life to it's fullest' means, and wow it feels great.

things aren't all fluffy and whee-ing of course. there's a lot of work, and i'm currently procrastinating, and there are moments of uncertainty and strain. but somehow, in my Moment of IntenseOptimism, i'm looking at it in such a way that the dark bits will make the uh brighter bits well. brighter.

oh dear gawd i male myself sick with all this talk of optimism and happiness. the next think you know, a furry pink bunny will jump out of the screen as you read this:

BOO!

_____________________________

HAH. the above was written 2 days ago.

i have since been ripped out of 1t11, abducted by a rather nice alien and plunked into 1t01. i suppose all is finey-fine, and i cannot count how many times i have said, 'yeah the class is nice. their really making an effort to make me feel comfortable' *smiling weakly*.

and yet.

it's a paradox really. when i'm with 1t01, i think about ye Olde class, and how i miss our little quirks. then when i pop over, i realize that even though i sincerely do miss them, their not as peeeerfect as i had made it out to be (d'oh!). and when i'm in either, i feel guilty referring to the other as 'my class'. so, as usual, like everything else, i'm stuck in the middle. what do i want!

I WANT STABILITY DAMMIT.

and really, that is a first for me because i usually appreciate change. it's interesting, and brings interesting moments but this time, with the sudden overload of work, cca and sleep depravation, waaah. it makes me feel like yelling, stop the room from spinning - i wanna get off! and the whirligig of time brings upon us it's revenges. it honestly feels like each time i pass a test (okay fine, YOU think of a better analogy when you're dead-ed), a higher bar is set for me to jump, and all i feel like doing is to go, waaaaait i need to crash. and actually, literally do.

yes.

today's cross country, fun. i raaan with ye olde class, felt kinda guilty. but uh. i dunno. anyhoo! it was fun running in the woody areas of mac ritchie, absolutely demoralizing running past speeding trucks at the expressway and breathing in volumes of carbon monoxide. wei qi my running buddy! though she uh, disappeared suddenly when i accompanied alex to the loo. who then too disappeared when she went of to look for a teacher, talked to siew ching, and then we both disappeared. a day of chesire cat-ing. re-joined the New Class, pranked-pointed at nothing in the sky (hurhur!), climbed a few gates/fences, stank up the bus and went through the messy motions of deciding where to eat.

yayness. he sat beside me on the bus today. if i had more energy, i'd translate it into massive amounts of exclamation marks, but fortunately for you dear reader, i don't! what luck! he sat beside me - and the irony, oh the irony! i was flipping through The Picture of Dorian Gray because i was going to return it today. irony seems to plague much of my life, how darkly amoosing. i wish his friend was not there (and i know nadya agrees with me on this, except for a completely different reason). on a sad-er note, he saw me running towards the finishing line during today's cross-country, and i cringed immediately the moment i saw him. i only had to pop by the loo to confirm my worst fear: a flushing SCARLET and mussed up hair. oh why oh why am i accursed to have him see me in my worst moments?! sigh-y sigh. i swear, i have tomato genes mingling in my bludde.









































also also the daaaaanger of blogs. *flashing alarm* it perturbs me, with uh links to my blog on other people's blogs, and some of them directly/indirectly knowing dorian gray. the risk cannot be ignored, it could! so haha let me amoose/terrify myself with the possibility: hello there, i lalalalalalala-like you!

tough day in school today. note to self: two consecutive cans of coffee + period-induced emotionality = a high-strung state on the verge of a complete breakdown.

*shudders* never again. but i really did need the coffee, and oh geez it was just over-whelming. a lot of bad things are piling up, and im not sure. oh dear god. i'm trying to see things positively, and i keep telling myself to stop being so indulgent, but i truly am upset. distressed. i guess i'm just not a stoic rock, though i try to be. also, am not looking forward to bumping into my malay teacher tomorrow oh dear god no. it's also been confirmed that i'll be moving class; upset! think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts

well, yeah at least i'm trying.

i'm possibly just imagining things, but there's something fishy going on in class. *troubled* fill me in, somebody.

pe was fun though. ran the outside route, it's cool. run, run downhill, run up the carpark slope, run, go up stairs, run. so much more interesting than running around the bloody track, i can't help but feeling like a brainless hamster when we do that. also, i surprised myself by being able to do the inclined with a considerable amount of less difficulty! wow. cj pe must really been doing me good. coolness at the end of my time there, i shall have the boday of giselle bundchen! okay, so maybe not as tall and uh, not so *cough* well-endowed.

but hey, i do realize that miracles don't happen!



























stupid tag-board.
also, it troubles me that i have so little to say despite everything that's been going on hmm.

my real player has screwed up big time. it started when it suddenly shut down, and only to find out when i rebooted it that HALF OF MY LIBRARY HAD BEEN WIPED OUT.

or so i thought, in a moment of absolute wild panic, and uh, despair. it is TRUE! that would be 400++ songs, and is no joke. i suppose it would be karmic retribution for all my illegal downloading, but really, you can't expect me to buy ALL cds! i would, if they were cheaper. and honestly, i don't find value in purchasing music online; its..intangible in a sense. a good portion of pleasure derived from the cd for me id to paw through the cd booklet and how it looks good. SO. again, i have defended my stance on this illegal downloading of music shit.

after much much meddling, re-installing and re-scanning the hard drive for my music, everything is running smoothly (i hope). except that i uh, have tata young and other pop-punk trash in my database cuz the player scanned in my sister's songs too. but it is all right, she is 12 years old. she will be forgiven for her rather lacking taste in music, as i have tried to forgive myself. *shudders*

i think today's class dinner might just be the thing that will really bond our class together. we all had fun, laughed a lot, took part in the nonsensical chatter that so characterizes the people of our generation (sorry - too much GP). squeeeeeeezed into neoprint booths in awkward positions. i really am quite happy about how we're doing, i think any cracks have been more or less smoothened over.

however, i did learn today that i am of the few in class who do not shop in more upmarket retailers ie. mango and zara, whereas for them it's the norm. to cut it straight to the point, i just can't afford the stuff there. how unfair haha. it shall be all right, i shall maintain my role as Bargain Queen. i suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, i still look good. uhhhh, right?

bugger it. why are they so rich? annoying thing is that of course, i realize the irony that its not as if im poor. so my whining is absolutely unjustified.

i've been reading this awesome book: the picture of dorian gray, by oscar wilde. perhaps, one of the best books i've read in my LIFE (which is not much, i do realize). dorian gray, at the beginning of the book, is a man-boy of absolute purity and beauty - an innocence left unmarked by the harsh realities of life. naive, and petulant in a slightly bratty way but even then, endearing all the same. i cannot be bothered to go much into the plot, because the point i'm trying to make here is that the young dorian gray is the epitome of enthralling/inspiring beauty. an adonis, he's described.

but well. i cringe at the term 'adonis', it just reminds me of trashy romance novels hurhur.

the POINT here is, i had/have christened the object of my head-over-heels infatuation dorian gray. i don't know, but the moment i read oscar wilde's words describing him and his effect on people, it just seemed to fit perfectly. even though mine (oh the irony!) doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. he is dorian gray.

my friend however, warned me against my decision - it wasn't a decision really, it just fits. he is dorian gray. anyhoo! she's read the book and so, knew what was to happen the dorian gray: he would become a twisted warped cruel man. it's painful just thinking about how he got so..horrid. the book is that good.

she is of course, correct. what's uncanny is that the onset of the character's ruination began exactly at the same time as i suppose, became more hopeless of the entire situation. it's quite an interesting case, could the book have actually influenced my swinging moods about this dorian gray? it's all too possible i suppose, and only serves to make it even more darkly funny for me. the almost-euphoria that i used to feel when he was around has been replaced with the heavy feeling that he will never be mine. thinking about him doesn't make me happy and giggly (silly, i know) anymore, it just makes me feel quite morose - which i think is an even SILLIER way to behave. considering that he doesn't even know me.

so stupid.

today, oh today. it was probably the culmination of all resentment i feel towards that CHIJ girl. that biatch, his classmate who's always flirting with him, leaning forward with crossed legs and hitched skirt. biatch. and, though you might not believe me, even before the implication of dorian gray, i had NEVAH liked her - from the moment i saw her! i just bristle whenever i see her, don't ask me why; it's a inner-bitchy Girl Thing. and this morning, i was feeling quite miserable because i had finished reading the book on the bus to school and it is really that moving, i was standing with nadya at my class corridor when she nudged me:

"iz iz! 12 o'clock!"

and me, in my post-literature daze, was: "whaaaa'?"

he was at the quad(rangle) walking to his classroom, and yes that BIATCH was with him again! and staaange, what's he carrying? HER PINAFORE! (she was in pe attire, no idea why) and this fuming cloak of jealousy came over me! it was amazing, i had not felt so..alive for so long. it was so intense, so passionate; it really was quite enthralling and i'm not kidding, it left me with this kind of high. and so i stood there, gripping the railing and spluttering,

bitchthatBITCHbiaaaaaaatchTHATBITCH!.

why can't she carry her own bloody pinafore, it's not as if her hands were occupied! i hate pinafores. *sighs* but i'm not writing this post to bitch about that bitch (okay f-iiiine, partly). i was completely caught by surprise the sheer intensity of my jealousy. such a primal emotion, i would only be slightly exagerrating if i said it quite knocked me off me feet. it was a heady feeling, and ALL i could feel was that jealousy - the other facets of my pysche disappeared. it was a single-minded affair, and there and then, that was all i was. jealousy. an extreme simplification of being, all complexities eradicated. how strange, and enthralling and liberating! ironic though to call it liberating, when that sheer emotion controlled me.

passion is a dangerous thing, i think.

after which i went into class, eyes wide with much distress and cried out to my friends who were in the loop, "i am upset!". what an understatement. they were nice, and very sympathetic. not to worry though, i'm not dangerous; the emotion soon left. was still quite morose though, until pe. (which was fun YAY circuit training!) then on the way back, climbing up the stairs, i saw the sky -and they have really beautiful ones at cjc, i do not know why- and thought of him. oh dear god, i shall live to cringe at this sentimentality. but it's true, and today, i'm feeling brutal enough to expose the nitty-gritty details i usually leave unmentioned.

i really do think he's beautiful, and i AM completely aware that it's only my infatuation that has heightened everything he is to reach almost-perfection. that under a clear mind, i would not think him so almost-perfect. he is though, to me at the least. he is dorian gray.

oh oh procrastinating!

i think i shall be joining debate + editorial, and will just consider drama. thinking about it now, maybe i'm not that into drama anyway. and i think that if all goes well, i shall be staying at cjc. and hazri, i am actually having fun here, kind of. and a major part of that is the fact that i am an Uber-Geek here. i'm the one who religiously reads and makes notes on her lecture uh, notes before the lecture itself. the one when faced with a loong 3 hour break and a satiated stomach heads to the library to browse through the econs tomes or more happily, the king lear.

another thing.

here, the teachers are actually under the impression that i am fairly bright and that i am a Good Student. i Participate, and am Enthusiastic. its honestly a nice change from the last four years in bp where you know, they thought me some lazy aimless kid. cue memory of my first lesson with grace brocolli chong, sending me out of CME class. she said, "you speak english surprisingly well." oh wow, thank you very much for the compliment! i know that heeey, i look like an aimless epitome iof mediocrity, the anti-model student, but guess whaaaat - SURPRISE!

biyatch. yes i hold grudges. you have been forewarned everybody.

and also suzie, a few weeks after she flunked me: "you do have the potential for an A1, you're really quite talented". uh huh.

but i shall move on, somehow. sadly though, i am about to grouse some more about something that happened yesterday. the mldds was holding this meeting after school as a..mixer for all the malay kids at cj since you know, in their words, its a small community and we should know each other. but also, it's because its 'compulsory' to be a member of the mldds in jc - a compensation for them i suppose for the single year of malay lessons. anyway, the problem was that not including the social awkwardity/discomfort, i had the editorial meeting to go to. so i don't think anybody who actually turned up, really wanted to be there; which is normal, BUT. the rest of them were whining and complaining and whining oh gawd it was so irritating, and not to mention, RUDE. especially this IJ girl, shikin. she concocted this uber-lame excuse about how her cat omg, died and cikgu have some sympathy lah, i have to go. at first, i thought she was just kidding around but NO SHE WAS SERIOUS. she actually went on with this stupid ploy, and didn't even have the decency to act properly. it was such an insult to the teacher's intelligence!

and afterwards after the whole (rather sad) shindig was over, they were complaaaaining SO MUCH. about they were "forced to be cooped up" in there etc etc. it really must be a different environment in there at chij, to have no uh, compassion for those who have put in effort to try make it work. so pissed with them.

also, am sad because i dropped my brand-new shiny and cold metal mechanical pencil during the econs lecture and its now spoiled. *sigh*

on a slightly brighter note, i will be taking the 0628 985 bus tomorrow. 'he' will most likely be there, so cute him. i don't know why i always allow myself into these unrequited pining things; so unproductive. but really lah, he's so cute. and he's in my econs lecture. like i've said before, i wishi could say something more about him, but all i know is that maaan, he's cute. beautifulnose lusciouseyelashes hazeleyes greatsmile. i am a failed stalker though, he has caught me watching him quite a number of times, damn! i'm pretty sure he knows me as 'the girl i see on the morning bus nearly every day; maan she freaks me out'. *SIGHS*

and i think i've managed to reduce my image on this blog from decently intelligent to one of a typical slightly swooning, possibly moony, hormonal adolescent girl.

aaaaand, i managed to confirm that i DID pass by taufik at the city hall underpass uh-huh yes the day i bumped into hidayah and met up with charmaine. i /thought/ it was him, but reasoned that he wouldn't take the MRT ESPECIALLY since he was on 'official' business (was with a lady with a make-up bag), AND that if it was him -surely he'd be swamped by swooning die-hard fans.

but it was him. he was very flash though, erlack.





make me happy somebody. buy me a nice new mechanical pencil, and the beautiful cloth-bound hard-back irridiscent lime-green A4 notebook from bookbinders. please?

all right so the bad news is that the Reading & Writing Society has been renamed into the Editorial, which to me just does not have that Uber Geeakazoid ring to it nyiaaargh.

the good news is





hmm.

hmm.

i don't have much to say now, because i just ranted the bit in an e-mail, and will feel silly repeating what i wrote here as well. SO.

life pae-ing in cjc.

bus rides are rather hell-ish these past few days even though we manage to get seats on the 985 because it has been RAINING. and very badly today, which means that my legs felt like frozen popsicles and i know this because when i going up and down the overhead bridge, they felt definitely heftier and more solid than usual.

what else is there for me to say other than the fact that i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally miss our wuzhong lot, and today's mega-bonding session at kallang just brought it harshly home. you know me, delayed reaction.

the class is nice, its teensy though. but being tiny, that means you HAVE to bond with all of them, and i don't think i 'click' very well. sometimes, well actually a lot of times, the conversation lapses into silence and i cannot or be bothered to try resuscitate it. its just so tiring. i'm not used to things like that after two years of smooth sailing.

i suppose i could take this as a challenge. i suppose.

also, i think i need to be smarter. and yes, i have realized that i am relapsing into my 'i want to be brilliant' rant so thankfully for you, i will stop here and direct you to my archives.

on a more positive note, i am resetting my Bar of Expectations. i used to have really high expectations of myself and along the years in secondary school, that bar consistently lowered to accomadate my uh, apparent incompetency. but now that i belong to a junior college with a really nice dri-fit clothed pe shirt, i shall wipe the slate clean! the bar is up, even higher than its original position. i will have STRAIGHT As, i will WIN those funny awards and i WILL get into jcCAP, and i WILL be actively involved in my ccas and get lots and lots of points.

I WILL BE AN OVER-ACHIEVER.

i think i'll be joining drama.debate.reading+writingsociety. except now the latter is called the Editorial, but i've always wanted to write for the school newspaper, and think i would do a fairly decent job considering the complete inexperience. i think my motto from now on shall be what i lack in aptitude, i make up with enthusiasm! cue: big beam.

things will be all right. soon, i shall convince myself that it is so and all will be right with the world since you know that it like, revolves around me.

geez im hungry.

no wonder. what i ate today: a 'honey chicken' pau + one siew mai + half a small guava.

all right, what shall i eat? having popped into the kitchen, i shall lay out my choices here in this blog for all you bored readers while my stomach grumbles with much persistence and increasing pain. i can have:
- the clear chicken soup that my mum made, with bread
- toasted bread with LOTS of butter *yum*
- instant noodles erlack
- egg omelette consisting of eggs+chickenstockgranules+adashofsesemeseedoil

i think i shall have all. oh the greed, the GREED - my insatiable hunger.

maan, i love sounding melodramatic over the most mundane things. and well yes, the reverse for i suppose, the more impactful things in life. i don't know why.

i would blog about the 406 chalet, but really its all this one whole blurrr of consecutive fun-osity, bonding and amoosing weird moments. so, for a rather condensed (and obviously not my perspective of things) visit yu zhen at www.whateverrr.blogspot.com because she is an assiduous blogger! unlike me. do not worry though, knowing me, i will dredge up things that happened in future entries due to my lurf of irrelevence, and lack of things to say.

which is a worrying thing. it is true, i am finding myself with less and less things to say. shit i should have rationed out my Interesting Material to Talk About. at the rate im going, i will be a silent mute by the time i am *gasp* 17! or even worse, i will be a rambling hollow vessel flibbertigibbet. oh dear gawd, shoot me please.

even more more worrying is that i think that the above is linked with my disappearing sense of humour. it has occured to me that i don't seem to make people laugh much anymore, nor do i find a lot of things amoosing. chaaaaarmaine assured me that no it is simply my "sense of humour drying up" -ohahaha actually that is quite a good one-, but nevertheless i do not feel the manic energy that used to urge me to do absolutely funnily senseless things. i am sad. i might be growing up, quickquickfindmeNeverneverLand!

i don't want to be a boring old faaaaaaaaaart.