Because now is a good time while you are away and won't see this and by the time you do, this will be buried and unmarked under a pile of blog-nonsense
Excerpts from the impromptu journal that is a sekrit Word doc in my laptop

And the extent of what I feel is in the silence found between.

I mine every pixel brought to me for the emotions that they bear, because then and only then are they fully mine. No doubt will dilute its significance, and reality, scepticism and self-preservation will not rob away the truth I seek. I am fine that this truth is fleeting, knowing that beyond its minute point of existence, there will be no proof for me to lean upon. This scarcely lived.

To describe it in words cheapens it somehow, reduces it to a tawdry romance. Three hours is such a short time to have found someone and then, walking away.

-

Because I wanted you to take me in as I did with you. I want you to remember, don’t you dare forget (me), this is what you had, what you held.

This was what I had, what I held. Faces resting on the other, tilted down, eyes closed, breathing. I would marvel at your skin, so clean and smooth and how we were the same tint. In my head, I would have liked that to mean something, an omen of sorts.

Very quietly you replied, I like you. You did not look at me, you had looked away even.

-

The fact is, I cannot stand the oscillation and the restraint any more. I cannot ignore the fact that there is nothing to be gained here. My heart, I suppose it thrives in clarity and in openess, and while it feels in colour, it prefers to think in black and white. All this emotional backtracking on your part, and cautious restraint on mine, this is nonsense! That’s what it thinks. This feels unnatural, this does not feel right. This is not how things ought to be.

-

Sometimes, sometimes, I feel that there is a humongous elephant sitting in the peaceable silence of our friendship.

I hardly think of you through the week*, which is good. I don’t feel the absence anymore, and I’ve almost forgotten** what it was like when I had your presence around me in the form of a beep and your short sentences.

Which made me wonder for awhile, the basis of this want. While I am sort of relieved that it is part physical and part emotional, I know it is also partly because it just feels so good. Wanting you, or someone, makes my heart burn.





*not true, at present
*still true

One of the last things I had told you was Don't worry about me, I have a remarkable ability to detach my emotions! Damn you exception to the case ha. Although I'd like to be bold enough to propose that I must be at a good stage of letting things go considering that I feel okay enough to let these bits of writing go. This must mean I care less, which is good on all accounts.