how very annoying it is when overly vindictive people have the tendency to over-react. and for like, 5 whole minutes - ah scrap that. i was going to launch a discourse on how my blog does not feel safe anymore for me to expose my *sobs* truly vulnerable self in ranty tirades but i have decided not to care. it is very bothersome.
it is true that now that we (blogger and i) have a faithful readership consisting of my friends and assorted acquaintances *waves*, i no longer have an avenue to privately and more importantly, anonymously bitch about the little annoyances that plague life. a price to pay i suppose. this could in the long-term, if in extreme conditions, cause me to develop into a full blown misanthrope.
but you know, recently, discussing my feelings leaves a very sour and bitter after taste in my mouth. even when i'm thinking too myself. it is rather strange because i actually used to be a very let's dissect and analyze your feelings why do you think you reacted that way perhaps a childhood trauma or plain old angst kind of person, and now the whole act of combing through any form of reaction that veers to the negative side leaves me cringing. i might be turning into a guy.
maybe in the whole growing my previously boyish hair out so i can later chop it into a funkeh bob, i am translating the outer (maleness just sounds uberly wrong) non-feminity into an inner thing. erk and i'm getting that sour taste again and shall stop this stupid chatter. its a theory, nevertheless.
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i have finished reading zoe heller's notes on a scandal. remember the author that was recently featured in the newspaper for winning the 2003 Man Booker Prize for her controversial novel about the middle-aged woman sleeping with a teenage boy? and wow, that was a very long sentence. anyway, i actually found it in the CCk library and this, as we all know is impressive enough because this particular library has a rather crappy selection of books. i suppose its because the librarians figured that the minahs/mats who hang out there are not surprise surprise, there for the books.
i figured that the library picked it up (new book *beams*) mainly because it was as mentioned earlier, in the newspaper and for at what at first seems to be a completely sensationalism plot. and i did assume that; a wham bam book revolving around the perverse relantionship. but out of curiousity, i borrowed it.
it is very good. so good that i was cringing throughout the entire read because it was just so painfully poignant. the subtle power plays between the characters were in retrospect, beautifully constructed just because of the subtlety. it gets very annoying when the writer shoves something in your face and she does NOT do this. thank you. the characters, whether major or minor were so complex you can actually feel the threads that make up their personality when you push apart their being as you go through the book. nobody is this OR that, but more of this and that and that too and maybe this as well. the most externally non-descript person in the book can be filled with malice but at the same time, terribly pathetic.
to be honest, the reason why it's moving is because of the patheticness (is that an actual word?) that the characters have. it is so real and horrid that you cringe. you cringe and cringe and cringe but keep on turning the pages and feel like slapping them all out of their delusions and yes my favourite theme, obsessions. the book is ugly in a sense because geez, the writer just loves to explore the ugliness that the humans are capable of in their daily lives. we're not talking about big controversies here, (and the relantionship scandal though pivotal and crucial to the plot is not really what is being discussed) but the little ploys that happen everyday. its a discourse on cruelty.
well, now why does that sound familiar? too much king of the castle and susan hill.
just be glad we don't have to study this for literature. i would die. do not let the fact that it's written in a very dry, non-partial and seemingly stoic tone (read: boring) fool you! this dark thing left me thoroughly disturbed and again in retrospect, should not be read as bedtime reading argh. i had to have a good flip through a forgettable saccharine chick-lit book before sleeping.
thankfully, its only 244 pages long. any longer, i might have just slit my wrist.
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moving on, What Happened Today.
O Level chemistry practical, it was uh. all right, i guess. i could not do the extension question as expected but the others were fine. sadly, no potassium manganate. i might have failed to mention it before, but i like watching the vivid purple decolourize with vigorous effervescence. so pretty! and uberly cool.
and am i the only one who feels testing for oxygen (yay bigorous effervescence!) with a glowing splint verily awesome? it makes me feel like at hogwarts. glowing stick glowing gloowing *WHOOMPH* flame!
no time to do that today though. augh or ever again! it just dawned on me that today was my last ever ever chemistry practical since even in the small possibility that i go to jc, i will definitely not be taking the science stream. oh oh i mourn. and i didn't even manage to say goodbye. fare thee well bunsen burners tedious titrations precipitate cocktails choking ammonia chlorine gas and stinky damp rags.
i shall save my weeping for later.
so after the practical, we were herded into the hall and detained for another of the Eville principal's tirades masquerading as inspirational speeches. i've always felt she should stuff her snarky smiles and overall fakeness up her arse. with absolute vulgar vehemence, i say this.
today's speech was about the level-wide prelim moderation. she kept on saying this is a gracious act, a favour by the school you do not deserve this you do not deserve this you do not deserve this at ALL. uh huh all right. thank you for treating our fragile adolescent esteems exactly the way with your tender care and concern. and she had the cheek (and this is what makes me uberly furious) to at the ending bit of her talk suddenly change into this cooing incubus. as if she thinks we're that stupid to buy into her act. no OUR RUFFLED FEATHERS WILL NOT BE SMOOTHED DOWN. THEY WILL STAY RUFFLED.
everytime she talks to us, she succeeds in insulting our intelligence. which is the main reason i hate her with every fibre of my being. apparently, she does this to the school staff as well. i wanted to throw my shoe at her. or better still, large pointy things.
the thing is, i actually agree with her. i do not think moderation is fair at all. i do agree that we should not be getting it, and therefore, do not deserve it. but she is so insensitive, such an idiot. so condescending and patronizing. AUGH.
i digress.
moderation i think makes a farce of the entire examination. and despite being sour grapey towards the 6-pointers, i do sympathize with their plight. it is not fair that others too get to be in their elite group because of school policy when they got their marks through sheer hard work. it cheapens the entire thing and even though we know that their unhappiness stems from the very un-noble ego, ah well.
and yet, hypocrisy strikes again. because with the moderation, i get the more decent under-20 l1r5. it makes it easier when relatives ask, despite the ugly niggling feeling. i have not tried it yet, but i expect to feel no more comfortable answering. it is more likely that i shall respond with the oh so typical teenage non-commital grunting/whimper sound.
ngmphh.
but the more significant hypocritical moment here is that with the moderation, they have given me the A2 i deserved for english. HAH they have retracted my failing grade that was so unfairly given to me for my composition, and got the distinction i should have gotten. in this sense, i very obstinately feel like refusing to count this as the moderation. my mother says the above two statements are very presumptious and proud of me to make, and unfortunately i feel compelled to agree with her on this one.
cue the return of that very annoying niggling feeling.
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