editted:

wow i really do seem to be blogging a lot recently.

at first i wanted to blog about my sister. am worried about her, she's almost constantly cranky and sulky, and well, she's pissing kinda everyone at home. i suppose it's just a phase, but nevertheless it could be a long-term phase HAH. and what if she ends up in a crap school? this is not good.

i dunno. i talked it out with my mum, so maybe things will work out. anyhoo my conscience is niggling that i should not be as they say, airing our dirty laundry.

maybe it is paranoid as well, but i do worry that maybe she might not respect me; she might now, but what about later when she's older and angstier? i don't know how i will be able to you know, steer her in the right direction if she does not respect me. it seems quite comical now, hilarious even, but an hour ago, i hypothesized that maybe she might not respect me because *drumroll* i do not/have not had a boyfriend. IT IS POSSIBLE. she could think me pathetic, especially when she goes to secondary school and is surrounded by people with thriving lovelives. she will think i am not 'cool'. not only is this intensely embarassing, it brings up the whole she-wont-listen-to-me issue! and honestly, pushing her to 'Uncool' things like listening to the parents, stopping the angst will really not help.

augh. in print, this whole thing sounds silly and blown out of proportion, but it's very real. i am worried. i don't want her to end up in monkey crap.

on another note, and another person, i worry that this person does not need me anymore. i try to be there for her, but it's not like she opens up much on this matter to me. i sense something wrong, but i can't do anything. i can't, and i don't know how to. so she gets the advice from someone else. i suppose she feels more natural asking her, and it makes sense . like hey, what do i know about relantionships right? all i do is give hazy advice based on my equally hazy hypothesis based on theories observation and yes, magazine articles. i have no /actual/ experience. not thinking about the whole pathetic-ness of my situation, it also feels horrid. even when i do give advice, it feels empty hollow and false because despite everything, i know nothing! its nuts i know, but i do feel like a silly naive child at times like these.

i know nothing.

also, i realized i've never actually been presented with a situation that tested my self-control. there have always been external factors, mainly parental - omg no i can't i'll be grounded oh naaah can't i gotta go home, or i'll get a massive yelling etc. never have i been faced with an oppurtunity for me to go all right. this is where i must stop, and will stop. and i suppose only then when i learn this will i have properly grown up.

maybe, i've been failing all this while, and have not noticed it.

so many things to worry about. the annoying thing of course, is the fact that it is needless. self-inflicted! really, how silly can you get? very, apparently. i worry about flailing friendships, my sister, PAE results, PAE itself, the fact that i'm doing nothing, my Os papers, the handwriting that was on it, whether i was detailed enough during the bio, how many careless mistakes did i do for e.math, omg omfg english, augh augh my lit essays.

i feel thoroughly stupid because of the above.