i've been thinking what being 17 has meant to me after i watched this docu-show on mtv on a couple of famous people when they were 17.

has it been awesome? well, not really, considering how non-descriptish i've been in cjc. but on the other and much happier hand, there's the EBS. a recent conversation with bern who was musing how much more she wants to achieve:

"you're already an over-achiever!"
"but i'm not over-achieving enough -"

and that, is the essence of how i've been this year too.

yesterday i came home from school absolutely and thoroughly zonked.

1045: arrived in school, wandered around wondering where my malay projectmates were.

1055: i embark on a quest to get my mentorship form signed by the principal. after much deliberation and noises of disbelief, i am told that he is not in school and that i should leave the form in school so i can pick them up on monday. "BUT THAT WOULD MEAN I HAVE TO TRAVEL TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY AND I DON'T WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME HERE THAN I HAVE TO", i want to whine, but i resist.

1100: into siberia aka school library to fiddle with portfolio while waiting. had an encounter with art classmate, who's doing major research work on van gogh. you know, reading those huge and dusty tomes. had a burst of procrastination-induced guilt, because i haven't started. the horrors.

1105: Groupmate1 messages - she just woke up.

1120: Groupmate2 messages - he too, just woke up. brilliant.

meanwhile, i'm freezing my bloody arse off, and pondering the age-old question - "what the hell am i doing here?"

1230: Groupmate1 arrives. we work out the project lenghtily, and finish in 20 minutes, in english. it is decided that we shall entask the ardous job of translating our scribble into malay to Groupmember2 who never showed up.

1250: wanders over to the dark (really, it is) shelves of the malay section and pick up a book of malay essays in an attempt to somewhat, prepare for the A Level Malay orals later on.

1255: decide that it is all very boring, and also, that i do not like Malaysian propoganda.

1400: *toddles of to this specially built Teaching Development Center that's quite nicely done, with actually GOOD sculptures around. but, like all school development projects go, this room is apparently only used for aforementioned oral exams*

1405: Groupmate1 realizes that today's exam, is NOT an internal examination hurrah

1440: i screw up my oral paper.

1445: very much dejected, i come across desmond, and wail about the horribility of it. he says he too, horribilified his, but i don't believe him. stupid efficiently bilingual people.

1500: spend more time in siberia with portfolio, reasoning that i certainly won't do it when i get back. i pick another spot to sit that from experience is not as siberia-ish. i expect it's more, canada. gee my library is international.

1645: librarian toddles over, and asks me what i'm doing (illustrating some stuff). she says, "wow other people go out party after exams, you're still here ah." oh this is great, i am OFFICIALLY THE LIBRARY-HOVEL HOBBIT. this will do wonders for my (non-existent social life) i'm sure.

1715: dash out of the library, to make my point that i am NOT A NO LIFER THAT SHE THINKS I AM to the librarian. well, not really.

i spot the principal's huge SUV in the car park. for a moment, i wonder why he has such a huge car when he uh, doesn't have a huge family with all that celibacy shebang. but this means! HE IS IN SCHOOL AND I CAN GET IT SIGNED NOW

1755: i find out that in general office terms, "now" can mean 40 bloody minutes. but it is time well spent! i read three NIE newletters, and discover that trainee teachers are "hip and happening" as seen in the extensive article on their Dinner & Dance. brilliant, old fogeys doing the limbo rock - THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN GROW UP MUM.

1800: goes home

1850: NTUC HAS NOT RESTOCKED ON CRANBERRIES. this makes me very sad, and i literally drag my feet home.

1900: shuffle around home, had dinner, but didn't really eat it.

2030: falls asleep on bedroom floor.

2300: "why are you still in your school uniform?", my very concerned mother asks. she quite obviously, has overlooked the whole collapsing on the floor business.

0500: wake up when handphone alarm goes off. supposed to do art, but hell i'm rebellious and i uh, don't.

0800: wakes up finally after i wear out the Snooze button, with the realization that i have debate later on.





and so, as i dragged myself to school (once more), on the bus, trying to sleep without leaning my head against the grossly head-greasy window, stuck in a traffic jam, I WONDER WHETHER I HAVE BITTEN MORE THAT I CAN CHEW.

this is what it feels like:

*chokes*

because with applying for cap things, and the art exam prepping, and the debate nationals *dies* which is next weekend, which is also the day when we'll be filming the thing for temasek sem, and i really want to be in the video and did i mention, the deadline for the portfolio is the day before my art paper and shit, i shouldn't even be here but i am.

would i want any less? somehow, and god knows why, no. i just really wish they wouldn't co-incide all in one go so that i somehow, can BREATHE.

geez.

(obviously an half-written entry from some time back:)
it is two hours into saturday (02:06AM), and i must say, FRIDAY WAS QUITE WOAH.








as a result, i am currently very much broke. i wonder whether i can open my own charity. it's a good cause you know, kinda like the Feed Izyanti Fund and! it'll make quite a nifty acronym - FIF. everybody knows that in singapore, it's the acronym that makes or breaks you.

the tale behind this of course, is not how i'm contemplating/pondering how to uh, convince mother dearest to give me more allowance for next week. but how i became so broke:

i woke up this morning, at 06:15, five minutes before the alarm on my handphone rang and don't ask me why i'm being so meticulously detailed and anal, just shut up and listen.

with much dread, i dragged myself to switch the bloody thing off. the alarm is undoubtedly very annoying and i suppose this makes it very effective in the whole purpose of uh, waking me up but it also means! that i wake up cranky, and this, is a Bad Thing.

what is also a Bad Thing, were the lit papers that i was sitting for that morning. my mum, being ever so kind, and more importantly, paranoid that the bus might get trapped in a rift in the space-time continuum and that *gasp* i might be late for the exaaams, drove me to school. we arrived, as i predicted, VERY early, and since i had no intention to spend more time in that exam-anxiety drenched institution more than neccesary, we sat in the empty carpark for 15 whole minutes.

at this point, i'm not quite sure why i'm being so inanely detailed but yes. this is not like me *shifty eyes*

the paper came, and passed. i think i pretty much screwed up the blake essay and disturbingly! i don't recall mentioning the word "theme" even ONCE in the whole two essays that i wrote, and this is very perturbing and upsetting and i can just imagine flunking lit omg the end is nigh and all that jazz.

in a spurt of adolescent rebellion, WE DID NOT GO HOME IMMEDIATELY TO STUDY. the horror, indeed. instead, being the hedonists that we are, i actually walked around town with zaratashkai, whereby i then abandoned them with much reluctance to meet the various members of the EBS (that's the Elitist Bastards Squadron, for you stupid people out there) and an Innocent Girl Named Jill. oh and also a Guy Named Terence. who! called! me! a! minah. but because he's the Signifant Other of a person i love very muchly, i suppose i shall not kill him. it's also probably because this particular person ALSO calls me a minah. i just cannot win.

larking around in kinokuniya, is of course a Crucial Bit on outings with the madCAP/EBS. it's a significant point of our Geekhood, i think. so as per usual, there was dissing and defending of local writing, and don't we all know that's very much a circular argument.

the favourite activity of an adolescent i think, is escapism. trooping over to the travel guides section, this we did extensively. you see, after the A Levels, we've been thinking off embarking on a Quest. it would be challenging, gritty and all too unhygienic but honestly, back-packing is the answer before we settle down into the serious humdrum pattern of life. the original plan was what, to take a train up to bangkok, switch to a train going through the Silk Route, across Moscow and poof! landing up in london before taking a plane back to singapore. brilliant.

except that we conveniently forgot that travelling across several continents require oodles of MUNNEY, and i calculated that even if i save a quarter of my allowance every week, i'd only have about $600. which! is why i think i should seriously consider plugging for my own charity. as all conmen would agree, don't steal it from them, make them give it to you.

The Izyanti Needs Your Money Fund, or the INYMF. i suppose FIF (Feed Izyanti Fund) sounds much snazzier, but that would mean i'd have to add in fine print what exactly you'd be feeding. it could be my literal appetite and current fixation on Tropical Skittles, and it could also feed my growing list of art supplies needed. it could feed the Sembawang Music coffers in exchange for the Love Psychedelico cd that i've been looking for, for years. so you see, like all charities, we function by lying by omision. so now that i've been gracious enough to be brutally honest, GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

*beams*

batman begins was very good. it has cast spiderman and all of his geekiness in its dark shadow, everything was well done. i nearly cried once, and cringed terribly when ALL THAT BRILLIANT GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE BURNT DOWN TO THE GROUND. that could have been the saddest moment, ever. but! that's just me. also, post-watching the movie, i realize that i want a butler.

no, not a maid. i want a nice old man to be a yoda-like figure in my life, without being green, wrinkly and with a warped sense of syntax. because trust me, that's gonna affect my speech habits and very annoying it would be indeed, yes.

i also have to announce that Running Around In Odd And Cheesy Mascot Suit has since been scratched off my list of Things To Do Before I Die. although i would have to admit that i did not manage to do the running around bit very well, so i suppose i shall have to make another attempt at it, hoo!

in the late afternoon on friday, for (this makes me sad) approximately less than a minute, i was a huge and fuzzy droplet of haemoglobin. i think it's quite hilarious.

Things To Do Before I Die
- drive an excavator machine, and dig things with it.
- drive one of those huge field lawnmower things. (i tried to do this last saturday, but sadly was foiled because there were no keys. and yes, i can hear the sighs of relief from all of you! crud.)
- go on tv, pulling of a mad (but non-masochistic) stunt ala MTV Whatever Things!
- take part in a strike/boycott involving huge placards and angry faces. have no idea what cause i shall be Angry about though.
- travel extensively, or at least somewhere aways from *mutters* bloodysoutheastasia
- love. (edit: and be loved, in return)
- have kids. i think.
- be brave or brilliant enough (whichever comes first, i suppose) to publish something despite the clear knowledge that people out there are going to tear it apart largely on the basis that it's Local Writing.
- help put together a theatre production. and no, not as a backstage minion.
- own/drive a vintage 1967 volkswagen beetle

i think that's about it, for now. it's cliche and all, but supposing that (TOUCH WOOD) i die tomorrow, the one thing that i'd be sad about is that i've never loved in that way before.

and also that i studied all the econs for nothing.

so after i became for a moment in my life, a blob of haemoglobin and being Publicly Obnoxious by plopping ourselves down in the middle of nowhere to stone and muse in our typically EBS way, we walked back to town cos i HAD DINNER WITH THE 406 PEOPLE =D.

although i uh, got sidetracked into a burger king and took ages to rip myself away, the dinner went finey-fine/brilliant. it's just the familiar faces, and the old chemistry that we all have. the stupid jokes that we never tire of, yelling out the school song down orchard road with admirable bpghs pride, and of course, the endless camera-whoring. Good Old Times.

now that's what i call a Productive Day. spending time (cue: hallmark moment), with people you looooove. sadly, this involves the expenditure of munneh SO DONATE TO THE FEED IZYANTI FUND TO KEEP HER IN THE LOVELY COMPANY OF THOSE SHE LOVES. ALSO, THE THINGS SHE LOVES. donations will not be returned, because she would have spent it so hah!

william blake kills me.


and so, this is clearly yet another bout of procrastination. this entry is going to be exactly that! i'm leaving this window open, and in moments of boredom (which i suspect, will be terribly often), i'm going to type in a paragraph. THIS WILL BE SO EXCITING, like a single-person roundrobin.

i was reading one of those scholarly criticisms websites earlier on and was its a little disturbing to realize that the words are just washing over you and you have to read the sentences over and over sometimes, to grasp what they're trying to say.
here, have a go:

the Bard's vacillation within the lyric between prophecy and self-doubt mirrors an experiential evolution of the meta-voice behind Songs of Innocence and of Experience which he exemplifies, a progression which "helps us to understand why he now refers to himself as 'Ancient'." "The Voice of the Ancient Bard" 's explicit admission of its status as rhetoric undercuts its function as prophecy and implicates itself as one example of the "folly" it denounces: "At the last, the Bard sees himself aright: as guide in need of guidance, a mental traveller whose prophetic certainty and optimism has been so undermined that 'care' threatens to be his only knowledge."

and it's one of those nice and mildly cool nights and suddenly right, i miss CAP alot. a wave of it, because it reminds me of the nights at Eusoff Hall. very dark, with all the red bricks, which i just realized, is identical to the ones used in my hdb flat. it's really quite vague, but what i do see is shuffling down the stairs after JCDrama, kinda zonked.

and then i saw my pair of (unused) house slippers lying around, and it reminded of 406 days when i shuffled around in class in them because i found my school shoes really stiffling and my mum hated my walking in class with my bare socks because they'd get grimy. so she bought me these grey house slippers and what was wonderful that i didn't feel odd at all wearing them in class. the point here is that i'd never do that in cjc.

and Frente's Bizarre Love Triangle is the song for infatuation.

and the printer has konked out on me again. this time however, it's not doing the irritating Blinking Light Morse Code. oh no, nasty plastic lump is doing the Silent Treatment. which i'm

(and i just sneezed. bless me.)













and clearly, i have a short attention span.

in a burst of morbidity, i am going through this site by a coroner and it's really interesting. like did you know, that the fastest way to get the cadaver's temperature is of course the rectal way. but to be more accurate, they insert a thermometer from an incision on the side into the LIVER. this is great man, not only am i dead, but i have people probing my body with funny sticks! NO WAY. this might be one of the top reasons why i would want to die in au naturale, so that they won't see any reason for me to have to go through an autopsy.

also, "Medical Examiners always make the "down cut" to the left of the belly button when making a Y incision at autopsy. This is done because there is a leftover tendon on the right side from the ambilical cord. They won't cut it to show respect for the way we are born."

also, "the human nose is so fragile that morgue attendants and morticians pinch-up the sheet over the nose. This is done because the pressure of the material on the nose can deform it, flattening or turning it sideways." this implies of course, that MICHAEL JACKSON is not a sick pervert who miraculously got acquited, but that he is even beyond our usual speculations of being unhuman. HE IS A ZOMBIE. it makes complete logical sense, that's why his nose behaves so strangely - it's coming to terms with being ded.

i realized that i have recently been very anal (and no, nothing to do with thermometers and such) in the sense that i have been reaping much pleasure (and man, this really just sounds so wrong) from being neat. when did this dawn on me? when i looked at the notes that i've been writing and feel happy that it's all methodically bulleted and uh, colour co-ordinated. and then in another bout of procrastination, i organized my wardrobe and uh, arranged all my hanging clothes according to COLOUR so that now when you open my wardrobe, it's nicely in a gradient of various shades. and looking at it made me so very HAPPY.

this is quite a cause for concern! because now that i think of it, the other day, i bought my current favourite candy, Tropical Skittles, emptied it into this bowl and with much glee, proceeded to seperate the candy by colour so that it kind of became a pie chart, and then i ate it by colour too. hmm. of course, if i tell my mom about my recent fixation with such anal details, she'd laugh her arse off which! i can't really blame her for, considering the dire state of my room.

here's a nice trip down Nostalgia Lane: http://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/sesamestreet.html! i was going to plug in specifically to nadya huang yanyan, then i realized i got it off her friend's blog, so she's probably already seen it, poop. the point is! seseme's street were good times. before elmo monopolized everything - like who made THAT decision huh. old school muppets were awesome, and the animation was always brilliant and cool, even then. the lovely thing was that it can be so poignant sometimes and there are still many images/skits that are still stuck in my head.

Lovely Things I Remember About Seseme's Street:
- the scene where Oscar the Grouch married, and they were both very cranky and Maria cried. and the bride (i forgot her name, but she was green and furry too) had cold feet, and it was just hilariously beautiful when after the wedding was done, people threw pieces of garbage at them instead of flowers.

- then there was this skit with gordon (this bald black guy) just jogging around new york but it was beautiful because of firstly, the camera-work and secondly, the SOUNDTRACK. i can't remember it now, but i'm sure it must have been good if i can still remember the scene that is seemingly static.

- and the LATINO FLAMINGO seranading maria with opera, below her balcony.

- the parody of cyndi lauper's "girls just wanna have fun" about uh, cereal

- and oh oh! i LOVE this one. it was a short feature about kids going to the beach and building AWESOME sandcastles and everything about it in retrospect, is so poignant from the girl doing the voice-overs and the (rather sad and cold) beach. i still think of this feature everytime i'm at the beach.



thinking about it now, i would want the dvd set of seseme's street. but only the late 80s-early 90s seasons though, because after that it was all crud. maybe because i didn't like the new interpretation of characters *eew elmo* or the INTRODUCTION of new characters. or maybe, i just grew up.

it's 7.17AM, and i have effectively been online for 6 hours 47 minutes, yawned 5 times, scoffed at three supposed lit essays, alarmed how i never noticed the disturbingly strong sexual connotations in a seemingly innocent poem and also, re-read three and a half chapters of DracoSinister.

it's quite a misty morning, and really pretty.

BECAUSE JANICE'S PICTURE-BASED LJ ENTRY MADE ME SO HAPPY:

cue: melodramatic music
My Life, So Far.


Charmaine Lee Yun Hua, Best Friend and Companion Goof-off.

Genevieve Antono, She Who's Going Canada, far far far awaaaay. Great Friends, since 1998.

Lim Yeu Ai, Class Chairperson. Oft cranky. Can be hilariously and unexpectedly lame and yes, strange. Clearly, this is not one of those moments *nods*

Nutty Times, pt.I

Nutty Times, pt.II

Haitian Voodoo, the BPGHS interpretation. What possibly made RMUN bearable (for us), and damn, alotta pricked fingers went into making that stuffed thing. Good times *beams*

Public Humiliation, and Shame! (with AINI AZIDAH, fellow Distant-Farter.) cuh-razee times in the Art Room and (did we do much?), in photography.

Days of Vanity, and going out for the sake of Dressing Up! 'twas lovely, even if it meant that our class(girls) were constantly the dressiest but like omg, we looked good. maaan, have not been a bimbo for so long, since well, CJC. *wails* what has JC life done to me!

simply because i couldn't believe (then), that i was taking a picture with the DM, Tiger Tan Hak Soon, the person who kinda wasted as much of my time, as i did his. nice man, really but nnngh! the cause of much school-related angst because he was the Agent of Herr Hitler aka The True Eville One aka School Principal.

no, Dressing Up-ness does not negate Inherent Nuttiness. we're macadamias, through and through.

...more dressing up, kinda. but hey, at least this production (Woman in Black) was worth going for unlike some stupid school production *coughramayanacough*. and and! it doesn't look like it, but some of us here, are TERRIBLY sunburnt after cleverly spending SEVEN HOURS under the sentosa sun, with no sunblock. i think the rays must have fried our brains.

A Trip To Sentosa (where this time, WE BROUGHT SUNBLOCK). also, a tribute to the defunct monorail, also scarying elderly japanese tourists. also, Finding Our Way Back To The Group Via A Mobile Obstacle Course kiddies, don't try this at home. it's very, dange-lous. (but wait, kids don't have monorails at homes. or do they?)

the abused friend.

because this is sadly, the only decent photo i have of CAP03. 5 days spent, making friends WHO ARE STILL MY FRIENDS TODAY and like whoa, i think that's muchos the awesome. also, very significant because it's the precedent for! CAP05, of course.

where i met! My Favourite PJC Person (alliteration!), Janice. testicles and cockroach love.

(hazri sleeping, when he's not supposed to. everybody knows that sleep time is reserved for plenaries/lectures! duh.) and like, check out my photo-fiddling skills -

VOILA!

doodling yay! the other plenary-activity, once your neck aches too badly from awkward sleeping positions in awkward and stupid chairs. it also distracts you from having to listen to the occasional asinine and insipid speaker. THIS IS A GOOD THING, because it prevents you from throwing solid objects in their direction.

My Favourite Civil Servant! Ms. Lorraine Tham aka thamtham aka Thammie aka Thamster

The Intellectual Writing That We Pretentious Writers Do *snigger*

JC Drama. i think it was just, whoa. from the initial lack of direction and much frustration/angst to the Final Thing, that we actually pulled off.

CAP': where we, as the ElitistBastardSquadron, fully exhausted this year's almost-accidental Teeniegoth and Emokid themes.

i am happy, in this early morning hour. because firstly, i just watched Bubbleboy, and it's just a really nicely executed, heart-warming tale that stars My Favourite Geek, Jake Gylenhaal. also, because flipping through the pictures, i just realize that i miss everybody and that you know, i kinda love everybody and am glad to have them in my lives.

so! i am full of hollywood and nostalgia-created endorphins, and in my books, that;s always a good thing.

look kiddies, it's me again.

i've noticed that i always seem to blog more post-CAP, and it's not just the silly memes either. so! i was skimming through alfian saat's blog (http://alfian.diaryland.com/) and came across and entry when he kinda addressed the issue of being malay and well, tokenism. if that's even a proper word! but not quite the point here -

there are times when the euphoria(?) of getting selected for a programme becomes marred by the notion that perhaps, i was selected because i'm malay and doesn't this country just loves being multi-racial. that i am there not simply for merit, but because it would be in accordance to this need to ensure cultural diversity. it's quite a disturbing thought and you know, it's always been a niggling whisper that i just cannot ignore. i don't even want to go into discussion about the selection process for CAP because it seems rather screwed and very much confusing and as janice probably aptly pointed out, might be something of a drinking game. it's one of life's greatest mysteries.

but then there are clear cases which in retrospect, are quite perturbing. okay fine, i exaggerate - it's only ONE case, and even then, may simply be a product of my paranoia. i got selected (among a few others) for pre-u sem without even going for any of the selection interviews. i always found this rather strange that the teacher picked me because at that time, i wasn't being very vocal in class. but, whatever, i felt, it's a plan B in case my application for CAP doesn't pull through. then the teacher approached me and asked, "How's your malay, izyanti?"

"um, it's all right i suppose."

"what did you get for your O Levels?"

"B3."

"oh that's good. you'll be speaking to the media for pre-u sem -"

"- in malay?? whoa wait - i can't do CONVERSATIONAL MALAY,"

"well, you'll have quite a lot of time to brush up on it then!"

admittedly, the above is *slightly* embellished because this conversation happened what, more than 2 months ago. the point is, i think a huge part of the reason why i got picked is because i represented a minority race and it would be simply too perfect to show that yes, minority races also take part in huge government-aided events such as this! the perfect picture of the singaporean society, i suppose.

do i mind having my race being part of the selection criteria, even if a) it wasn't absolutely intentional b) i suppose it's a form of "positive" discrimination?

yes, i do. i don't want to be a token malay! there simply because it reflects well on the organizers or our society. i'm not saying that i got picked solely for being malay because i'm quite sure that uh, some of my merit was taken into consideration because otherwise, it would be simply ridiculous; and i'm quite sure this rationale follows through in cases for other people as well. it's just that, if i had my idealistic way, this whole race issue wouldn't even be part of it, that's all.

i remember during the opening ceremony for CAP'04, alfian saat was the guest speaker. hazri was there too, and people kept saying things along the line of "omg hazri, you're the next alfian saat", and he got pretty annoyed. i'm not quite sure myself what was the root cause of his bristliness at this comparison since i never got around to asking him and besides, he's probably forgotten by now. i'm just very anal and remember stupid stuff like this. what I think he got so bristly about was that people made the comparisons on the basis that:
a) he's a malay male
b) who writes english poetry
and wow, isn't that exactly like alfian saat. ergo, you are the Next Big Thing.

i guess i'm just lucky there haven't been any prominent malay female english prose-writers.

I MUST STOP TAKING QUIZES AS A METHOD OF PROCRASTINATION. but you should try this anyway, www.http://www.colorquiz.com/. it's rather strange, and took me by mild surprise so it could be entirely accurate, or absolute crud.


Your Existing Situation
Persistent. Demands what she feels to be her due and endeavors to maintain her position intact.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

okaaaaaay. why am i inhibited again? i don't get this bit.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Demanding and particular in her relations with her partner or those close to her. but careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes and ideas.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.

DOESN'T EVERYONE?

Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

and this is a problem because *shifty eyed*




at this point, i am very much confused. I NEED SELF-ACTUALIZATION AND LOTS OF NAVEL-GAZING ANGST. stupid quiz, i shouldn't have bothered taking it, i am now very much shaken on what exactly *gasp* is my identity. shock shock horror,

!! who am i !!

right i absolutely should not be blogging right now. as expected, my mugging stint at charmaine's has been rather inefficient but hey - I TRIED.

so in a moment of fidgety boredom (econs just does that to you), i picked up the style issue of Juice and me, being a partial bimbo, have always found rather interesting. what got me pissed though, as i flipped through it, was how label-conscious everybody was! it bothers me that your style/street cred is defined by the brand that you're wearing like check me out, i'm wearing bathing ape/diesel/NIKE. i am so cool. I CANNOT STAND IT, AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE UNDERGROUND CULTURE IN SINGAPORE. tell me, how different is it from mainstream elitism!

it's a whole new dimension of haute couture and what an entire waste of social consciousness it is. i do get how they want to be different and it is great that these labels offer something that to some degree, is not mass-produced. i understand that absolutely, but what i find irksome is that it is all very pretentious when the level of your "coolness" is defined by how exclusive (read: expensive) your stupid t-shirt is! it's great that what you're wearing is edgy and is a oh i don't know, displays your identity but really, you have to agree that it gets rather ridiculous.

do you see my point.

it is very irritating when people pride themselves for being edgy and non-mainstream for not wearing mainstream stuff, but when in fact, in attitude, they are just as elitist as the paris hilton clone in her burberry mini-skirt.

the question that i have to ask now of course, is am i one myself? obviously not the paris hilton clone or someone just shoot me DED. i suppose i do practice a form of elitism (HAHA) and the only thing stopping me from becoming the people that i have just slammed is the lack of moolah. hahahahahahahaha i laugh at my own hypocrisy - it is just so easy to be sucked into playing the social heirachy without even knowing it. just for your amusement, dear readers, i'm wearing a giordano top and jeans by that brand endorsed by *gasp* F4. so i don't know how elitist i am myself, but i suppose today is one of those days i lapse.

hmm.




charmaine says: *hands up* i admit that i'm a leeeeteeel brand conscious, but maaaaan, to me, spending $1000 on a pair of limited edition jeans is just what a not very bright person with loads of ka-ching would do. Obscure limited edition clothing does not upp your coolness factor, people. And what's with surfwear?! nyeeeah! Its everywhere! It's like this contagious disease which is spreading its tentacles through the ah bengs and the i-wanna-be-cool people. Beware, Ah bengs are currently very clevely cameoflaged under all the quiksilver and ripcurl surfwear brands. Surfwear is taking over the world!! HELP!!! Mmaky. Time for me to shut up. I'm babbling after the over-taxing of my brain through the studying of econs.

for some reason, post-cap, i find myself doing a good many memes. i don't know why, but i suppose it is to keep up the um, degree of community-ish feelings and COCKROACH LOVE. so here it goes!

(from jaaaaanice)
List your current six favorite songs, then pick six other people that have to do the same.

1. green eyes, coldplay
this song reminds me of ginny/harry and it's just so beautiful poignant earnest, and that's how i usually like my songs to be. so gorgeous.

2. the irish keep gate-crashing, the thrills
because i've been looking for this song for eoooooons and i finally had it sent to me yesterday so my love for that person has muchly increased. this was the song that got me hooked on the thrills and the vibe of this band right, it reminds me of days out with charmaine and matthew so yes.

3. under the gun, the killers
because i listened to the killers while mugging for the O levels, and you would think that would bring back the traumatic experience that it was but nope. it reminds me of shivery days in Woodlands Library, sneaking food under the desk, throwing candy over the carrel walls and surviving on mcdonald's tea and cheap junk. i also miss all our mugging buddies and even yeu ai's droopy red converse pullover.
also! it's one of the few the killer's songs that have not been contaminated by mainstream airwaves - at least, i think so. if it has, don't tell me please. i shudder at the thought of OC fans fangirling the killers (and the thrills) *dies*

4. somewhere out there, disney
because An American Tale was one of the ultimate disney movies that i loved and i used to watch it so manymanymany times when i was a kid. i love the fact that watching it now, i realize it has many satirical points and well, they just don't make disney flicks like they used to.

5. memories/telescope eyes/blackened crown, eisley
because i can't make up my mine *sad* it's just very lovely and angsty enough without making you want to slit your wrist. again, gorgeous vocals and an interesting sound. and no, i have not attached any memories to them yet.

6. gravity, bic runga
i love this singer with all my music whore-ness, and i never tired of this song. it's a simplicity and cleaness that the musical arrangement and the vocals in this one that makes me happily calm, i don't know. what would this song remind me of? strolling down a NON-CROWDED orchard road with a good friend, on a cool and slightly cloudy day. or, in the slow euphoria of a crush *coughainiyouknowwhocough*

mmkay i am passing the baton to --
nadya + dhaniah + aini + gennie + matthew (because i still have no idea what music you like) + zara.






also! i will be setting up an LJ solely for music whoring purposes, SO DON'T STRIKE ME DOWN WITH A MIGHTY BOLT OF LIGHTNING O BLOGSPOT POWERS-THAT-BE. meep.

#EDIT: http://www.livejournal.com/~izombiefied/ (sigh)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. iz! (go turn your head upside-down, it says the same thing like, HOW COOL IS THAT)
2. izy (i don't quite like this one but people persist and i must appease my fans yes.)
3. izyanti and all the mispronounciations that came of it.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. zombiefied
2. iz
3. - (because i am terribly boring)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my sticky-outy elbows because it reminds me of hilariously lovely days of the Covelently-Bonded Sisterhood
2. i like my butt. 'nuff said.
3. mu huge beam-ish smile because it makes me happy.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my nose because it's undefined and
2. my toes are kinda strange
3. my hair because currently, i can't quite decide what to do with it.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. malay
2. chinese (grandma)
3. i unno pretentious pseudo english-oriented because that's my main functioning mode?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. not being brilliant and disappointing people
2. having my friendships turn superficial and fake
3. failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. a notebook and pen to doodle with
2. my zen micro (although it's having an inferiority complex recently after spending 5 days with iPodPhotos)
3. sleep.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY NON-ESSENTIAL FOR LIFE ESSENTIALS:
1. candy! recently, blue packet skittles
2. good movies (wait can i really live without them i unno)
3. GP.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. bp shorts with a white acrylic paint smudge from the art room
2. bp blouse with this funny orange stain from the chem lab
3. uhh underwear.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. THE THRILLS
2. bic runga
3. skin

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Comfort of strangers, skin
2. fly me to the moooon, diana krall
3. plug in baby, muse

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. humour
2. honesty
3. love.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i miss everyone
2. i've started mugging
3. i love it at cjc.
note: their more like half-lies and half-truths hmm

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. ncc/ns uniforms. they still do it for me hoohoohoo
2. hands, strong-looking ones. i once stared at this random guy's hands because ok this sounds really pervy and i will shut up now.
3. cheekbones - as opposed to none?? k that's just dumb. i'm just a sucker for beautiful people. *coughdoriangraycough*

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. finding awesome books to love and dedicate my soul to
2. finding awesome bands/music to love and dedicate my soul to
3. infatuation.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. pre-dawn thursday morning in all of its delirium
2. for hazri to sms back so we can confirm tuesday's activities HAZRI ARE YOU READING THIS (aha he just did yay)
3. meet up with everybody i miss although this is verily impossible and i hate that this is so difficult. people i want to meet up with: CHARMAINE GENNIE NADALALA JEANIE VINCENT BERN ELITISTBASTARDSQUADRON DHANIAH SIEW CHING ZARA TASH, LISTEN IZ WANTS YOU!

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. journalism but i killed this idea ded because i can't stand people editting my writing or having people force me to write things i don't want to
2. writing, but only what and when i want. which means i have to be a tai-tai.
3. i know this kinda overlaps the above, but i really want to do something with design that incorporates my writing or people's writing i don't know. it's all very vague but i would adore doing graphic design/illustration.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. anywhere with a beautiful beach = serene azure crystal water powdery white sand with no irritating micro-creatures that nibble on you in the water.
2. europe because i want to go to paris and fall in love and visit the louvre, and do all the shakespeare fangirl thing, and listen to people with funny accents
3. i dont' know, anywhere that's not malaysia because that's all i have been too and it's quite sad i know don't laugh.

THREE KID’S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Azura
2. can't decide
3. still can't decide.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. create something brilliant and **NEW**
2. requited love
3. experience the whole range of emotions that a human possibly can, i think.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. i don't mind insects. i don't like cockroaches because i have been brainwashed to consider them unhygienic but yeah, that's it really.
2. i loath pink but then again, pseudopunksters like pink too so i don't know
3. i don't comb my hair.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. i am very very susceptible to infatuation and can be easily reduced to an overwhelming onslaught of endorphins over the most inane things. it's lovely.
2. terribly insecure over the most stupid things and get jealous very easily and am possesive/protective, kinda, over the people i love.
3. i find squishy+slimy creatures so aesthetically offensive that i physically spasm in disgust. especially snails, and their Eville cousins, leaches.

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. ADRIEN BRODY
2. JUDE LAW
3. cassandra claire's draco - even though he's not real and without a definite face. he is just so beautiful.

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. gennie (because i want to do everything with you before you go canada *WAAAILS*)
2. vincent! because this will drastically change his blogging-frequency statistics
3. siew ching! because i know you sekritly love these mindless memes, don't deny it

The Chronicles of Cockroach Love (the highest form of love).





i return from a five-day sojourn into the realm of pretentious writing and elitism, and the first thing that i want to say is I LOVE JANICE MATTHEW AND HAZRI, and i miss all of us already. i can very eaily say that cap this year was absolutely different from cap03, less nuttier somehow. but you know, thanking my flawed memory and this early morning, it's even easier to say that it was absolutely awesome. yes, the plenaries were generally traumatic, ranging from the irritating and bristling to the merely boring, with the occasional interesting speaker. same for the workshops.

but you know, cap has always been about the people. and as much as i do feel guilty for being so clique-ish, it was satisfyingly fun to be able to crap around with people whom you already click with, rather than awkward socializing and half-baked friendships. i love them dearly *melodrama* and it's very smugly satisfying that we managed to beat the khalwat patrol and all bunked in matthew's for bizarre/deep conversations about love god religion and as the night wore on and sleep deprivation caused much delirium and an increase in usage of profanities, sex and all things perverse. like florophilia, cockroach love and broccoli orgies.

hilariously, brendan and matthew's parody of teeniegoth, became the focal point of CAP. at first, it was just a private joke but after the poetry slam oh my giddy god trousers! after the hysterical laughter subsided, people were reportedly quoting and pouring over the CRUD that they had written. so funny so funny - there's even this guy who has a line of Theatrical Terror as his msn nick! you've got to hand it to brendan and matthew - they have reached new heights of CAPdom hoohoo. the absolutely amusing thing about this whole teeniegoth parody during the poetry slam is of course the other participants (i would say kids, but must be nice and all) read out theirs and it's actual authentic teeniegoth! i laugh of course, partly because i know that i used to write teeniegoth poetry and have only stopped because i REFUSE to write poetry. be thankful everybody.

and jc drama! now that was an intense rollercoaster. it started of quite bad actually, a lot of stalemates and it all felt very static. i know people like matthew and myself put alot of pressure on ourselves and i suppose, took it too seriously but that's because i honestly wanted to do something to the standard of cap03's jc drama which was the Awesome. somehow though, and i'm not quite sure when and how, we pulled it off and all our random images kinda gelled and it was just so beautiful and intense and i really wish someone had video-ed it because to describe it would do no justice to the sensuality and intensity that was achieved. the thing of course is that if the audience was discerning enough to actually poke through, they'd realize that the whole thing was not very coherent at all but hoo! they did not, and general sentiment says that they muchly loved it.

if only cjcdrama was nearly as good. to digress a little, it must be pretty bad here at cjc considering that we managed to come up with something in THREE days and i honestly think, not to be offensive, cjc drama never could. of course, it's largely because we also don't have natalie hennedige (i.e. director of The Necessary Stage aiee), but from my three months in cjcdrama, there's a lack of serious passion to bring a message to the audience. i don't know, that's how i feel.

i also finally experienced the notoriously bad cap food. for five days, i went around with a stomach that chronically felt hollow and also! shat with much more regularity, but not in a good healthy bowel system way, if you see my point. somehow though, all the stomach pains would hit midway through a plenary which then becomes a convenient escape! if you think that i'm exagerrating and that surely, the moe would not *gasp* mistreat us so badly, i tell you this and mark it well! today as i was changing in school out of uniform, i went through a moment of shock and horror because my jeans felt much too tight and um quite difficult to button. "how can it be! i can't have gained weight over cap, that goes against the laws of quantum physics!", and then i realized that they were my 14 YEAR OLD SISTER's jeans (because we have the same pair). the pointy-point of this story is that i lost enough weight to get into a pair of jeans that i previously could not even zip. so the moral of the story here kiddies is that don't bother with the Atkin's diet and signing up for all those "slimming spas". just go for cap and experience the food, and watch all the inches glide of you! side effects may include loss of appetite and shitting cramps.

indeedy. i love cap verily and i will conveniently forget all the not-so-fun moments. i love our Elitist Bastards Squadron, the doodling and the delirous early mornings, where my ditzy alter-ego makes her present known. apparently, i put on this strange accent and just um, make no sense.

cap has gone and passed, and now i have nothing to look forward to and life will just be very very bad and i would find myself a cave to be a reclusive hermit but that would mean i wouldn't be able to for the reunions so i can't. also, no tv and i don't want to miss my indonesion soap opera.

greetings fellow thingamabobs.







it has been a day of nostalgia indeed. but before i delve into that mushy mess, let me state a very obvious thing:

- the botanic gardens is big. VERY BIG. practically running from one end, to the other, repeatedly looking for random information on non-shiny metal signs is NO JOKE. THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING IS ISAAC LIM I.E. BIG KAHUNA OF PHYSICAL TORTURE.

- the botanic gardens has manymanymany trees. annoyingly, they are mostly TEMBUSU TREES when they were supposed to be some other random trees that WE COULD NOT FING AUUGH. *mutters: bloody tembusu trees* too bloody many of them i tell you! also, you would think that after approaching four tem-bloody-su trees, i would be able to recognize it and not bother befriending the fifth. and the next few ones that came along. i blame it on the sun and dehydration.

- which brings me to the point of evian water! WHY WAS IT A WHOPPING $2.60! bloody robbing us blind. although the guy selling it was cute. although he was a bit mat-ish. ah i am such a sucker.

- note to self: do not pair up with a person who also cannot read maps. sorry anisha hurhur.

- even though your mother was a horticulturist, having WORKED at the botanic gardens, bear in mind that it was (shall not mention) years ago, and all possibly relevent and helpful information has since faded from memory. it is therefore useless to call her and try to cheat for answers because FIRSTLY, she will give wrong answers. SECONDLY, she will say, "i'm busy doing the laundry! call me in 10 minutes!". and when you do, she will still be doing the laundry.

- i am muchly sick of scavenger hunts and what-not *sulks* it's lethargy and aching feet packaged into an episodic format of stage 1, stage 2 and you get my point. you think it's so fun. i suppose uhh, a week from now, i will look back and laugh. but as long as my feet ache, and i remember getting lost in some weird bit of construction work, TODAY WILL NOT BE THAT DAY. also! this makes it quite funny considering that i will soon my organizing and planning one. mwahahaha it is time to seek Eville Revenge against the world that is unjustly against me!

now that i am done whining.

i don't quite feel like poking about nostalgia and such. other than the fact that CJC Sports Carnival just doesn't quite feel the same as sports days with bpghs. those always end up quite fun, despite the grimy stadium and cruddy food. there was something missing, and i could only put my finger on it when i was in the bus one the way back. school spirit.

i honestly did not feel ANYTHING today. how strange. i blame it on the fact that we were divided by classes, and not houses. smaller gatherings of people, lesser degree of rabble-rousing maybe. and hardly any cheering at all; how straaaaaange. at bp, even though the cheers were the cliche and off-the-shelf, gosh we yelled our hearts out. i'm not saying today was not fun, it was, some bits. how is it that i can only remember how much fun sports days at bp always turned out to be? that's why the human memeory and can be such an untrustworthy and faulty thing.

and then, we went back to bp to get my o level cert and collect back my art prep. walked around, it felt different and the disconcerting thing was that it was different in the small little ways that made it feel slightly out of sorts. as if someone had tweaked with the configurements. the corridors seem wider, the canteen darker. we trooped back to our old classroom. successfully identified three tables that i occupied, finding pieces of vandalism that i don't even remember doing. dark angsty stuff, that only i know the significance of. you know, along with all the great times, i had a significant number of dark moments at bp and now that i think of it, it seems incredulous.

pathetic even. i cannot remember what got me so upset, and even if i do, can't figure out why it elicited such vivid and expansive a response to it.

the sad thing was, as we all got pushed along by the rapid and brutal train that the o levels was, we all kind of drifted apart despite spending so much time mugging in the library together. i felt it.

i miss the canteen, the art room (that's just not the same without the Distant Fart threesome), our classroom and the benches outside the staff room where i waited for the arrival of tan hak soon. i miss much, and the terrible thing of course, is that this faulty memory of mine makes it seem much better than i think it was.



well that's enough mushy crud for the night.

i have been wanting to update for eons because the last entry makes me feel stupid *shifty eyed*








yes, i got into CAP.

i would be in a more celebratory and elaborative mood if not for the fact that i have YES free time (i can't quite believe it myself) for me to work on the art projects and analyze my favourite-test lit book of the moment, brave new world. also, because i don't trust mrs sng. this is one of the rare occasions where i don't mind it being so blatantly pointed out that i am paranoid and stupid dumdeedumdum.

it turned out to be quite a Fun day. i expected it to be another day of dreariness, "nnnngh i didn't do my homework" and staving off encroaching sleep during lectures.

i watched kai wen (the guy sitting beside me in class) fall asleep in gp tutorial, got yelled at by my malay teacher. deserved it absolutely of course, but after the shock wore off, i have to say it was quite amusing to have a tudung-ed lady yell, "just give me the damn thing!".

i survived the arctic that is lecture theatre 1, endured the rather interesting gp lecture although it annoyingly consisted of a string of supposedly "thought-provoking" questions. i would have said, HELLO I CAN'T THINK, MY BRAIN HAS FROZEN SOLID. but of course, this did not happen because the neurones could not process my vague feelings of unhappiness.








ahh mmkay am off to watch my indonesian soap opera! woohoo emotional rollercoaster conveniently served by tv - hail mindless mass media. 2 hours worth of vindictive cries of "die bitch die", worried "omg is she gonna die is she gonna die" and plaintive "oh you stupid stupid man" - it seems fated that the women will always be Eville or the innocent Matyr. and that the men are always relatively dumb and clueless.

i suppose it is stupid, this fretting and all. and it was mean for me to think nasty, sour grapey thoughts and now that i am much more calm in this 1.04AM daze, i know that i don't mean it.

i'll just have to wait for monday.

but it's eating me. nnngh and i don't want to have to fall back on Plan B - who ever wants to put Plan B into action anyway. that's why it's the SECOND CHOICE, because you don't really want it anyway.

rejection - maybe i shouldn't even talk about it. might jinx it and all. but honestly, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, THAT BETTER BE NOT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING DAMMIT MR FAHY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU BETTER HAVE ANSWERS FOR ME MONDAY MORNING OR I WILL DIE. SOMEWHAT. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU PEOPLE ARE, TELLING ME I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOU STUPID PIECES OF MONKEY CRUD.

there, just in case (also, made me feel better hoohoo).






and i can't think of anything remotely intelligent else to say. this is a very perturbing trend i've observed. suddenly i'm not doing quite well in school, especially GP comprehensions and debate trainings have been full of me being moronically incoherent and asinine - my favourite word is officially "um". god i feel stupid. maybe my neurones have decided to revolt. or more interestingly, their taking part in a social experiment, to see how i would fumble around with half a brain. i bet their laughing now, eating popcorn. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, DON'T YOU, YOU BLOODY NEURONES. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PART OF MY BRAIN. I TELL YOU, I LIKE MY HAEMOGLOBIN-CARRYING RED BLOOD CELLS MUCH BETTER HAH BECAUSE THEIR CUTE AND SQUISHY IN THEIR BI-CONCAVE NON-NUCLEATED WAY.

i don't even like popcorn.

if you start thinking about it, being generally pissed off is quite a strange thing. when phenomally pissed, especially at nothing in particular, you have the capability to walk up to anybody and give them a bloody good kick in the shin, and not feel guilty for maybe, half an hour.

i am such a pathetic excuse of a sociopath.

because really, i have an innate sense of Goodness that i cannot deny. if i could have it my way, i would fill the world with doves puppies and kittens (conveniently, all toilet-trained) and make sure that there would be rainbows in the sky and i would go around in an organic white cotton toga with my hair quite suddenly a mane of earth goddesness and i will tell everybody: "world peace, my children. world peace." and they will all obey me because i am such a lovely and good person, and then,

I WILL BE THEIR QUEEN AND YOU WILL PAY OBEISANCE TO MY MERE EXISTENCE, O SIMPLE MORTALS OF PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANCE!

look, i have something to love too finally!

my little online hamster. no shit, no pee, no mess. just its adorable little two-dimensional self, adoring the mouse cursor. such simplicity and innocence.












i'm not quite sure why i'm teetering on the emotional side tonight. maybe it's because i FINALLY read Lord of the Flies and it's rawness touched me more than i realized. such a strange thing, to be moved by printed words on paper. maybe it's because i took this online handwriting analysis quiz (don't laugh!) and it's accuracy touched a raw nerve. things that i've been in denial about.

i'm sorry if today's entry is a load of self-indulgent crud. i hope the religion post didn't set the bar up too high, that one was a product of a sporadic burst of..lucidity and rationalized angst.

but this thing here tonight, it's a skim of things i think i want to say. i'm never quite sure really, i don't say much nowadays. i realize that i've become the Listener mostly, and because a) i have nothing of much significance/importance/drama to say, b) it's easier. i've become an inarticulate thing in real life, the horror the horror! everything's answered with indefinite, dismissive phrases that i say for the sake of it. ah yanti, you silly silly thing.

and then, i suppose this could have been the catalyst: i was talking to a certain person today, an absolute friend, and it was an issue that was particularly significant to me. it was actually a relatively rare moment when i was as cliche as it may sound, baring my soul - this is what i am, and this is how i feel. it was that kind of moment.

and she absolutely did not get me. it was as if i was speaking german, or maybe as if i happened to transmorgify into an orang utan. it's not her fault really, but oh god. i think she understood what i was saying (no i'm NOT implying she is a moron), but she could not empathize. did not, could not grasp the emotional significance of what i was saying. maybe she's like that to everybody, in her obstinate way of being absolutely full of conviction for her own opinion that she leaves spare room for the ability to extend empathy. i don't know.

oh i should just shut up.

oh my giddy god trousers.

it seems that everyone is collectively crash-and-burning. it is quite a strange phenomenon and also, quite interesting now that i'm outside looking in, and also, distracts me from the dreadful fact that i am one of them.

an onslaught of work, colliding deadlines, days that are paradoxically too long and too short and of course, the singaporean student's favourite: sleep deprivation.














and it's only april.

what are we to do? somebody better tell the moe about this sudden burst of student-fatigue, so they can send us for talks on Time Management, Balancing Work and Play, and Relieveing Stress that oh thank you god, we can sleep through.

okay today i shall talk about something that does NOT revolve around my stolen handphone, or my momentarily empty stomach, or school-related angst. AND NO, AM NOT PROCRASTINATING. ahh what the hell-o, i cannot deny what is true but BUT, that is not the pointy-point here.

(on a side note: i don't think xiaxue is completely crud but you will never hear my say she is uh, absolutely deserving of the award she won either and bless my short-term memory and possible lack of interest, i can't remember what it was called. she CAN be astute under all the pink webspace and profanities. her ramblings are amoosing, at times. SO!)

i usually avoid discussions about my personal beliefs on religion because as most of you know, i cannot stand any kind of huge, dominating and sweeping organizations who basically the way i see it, dictate a person's life. understanding absolutely of course, that they usually do so with the "it's for your own good, kiddies. listen to me, or suffer in the afterlife", i still find trouble swallowing down what they say without any gristle, so to speak. i shut up about what i think because i don't want to offend people maybe, and ALSO, i think this is it: i don't want to bother provoking people with my opinions in a situation where it is impossible to agree - it is of no point, creating emotional stress and i have enough pimples thank you very much.

and then there is the whole saying it out loud will make my opinion undeniably mine, and there's still a part of me that worries that i metaphorically will be struck down by lightning.

sometimes, i wonder what it's like to be a convert. not the kind who convert because they want to marry but because they FEEL the calling, or what-not. i might envy them i think, because they'd have a certainty that i as of yet, have never felt. i was born into Islam, so it's been part of my life and honestly, i feel nothing. yes i have my faith in god but it's not exactly what you would call strong. being a muslim, it's like breathing air - i've been so accustomed to it that i can't feel it except for the fact that it's there.

it's an unintentionally apathetic state of being. i do realize that i *could* do something about it. revive my faith to searing and soaring heights but this is where my cynicism about large organizations kick in. i still wonder why i resent going to madrasah/religion classes so much.
a) because the textbooks we have are not only in malay, but also leave a lot to be desired when it comes to editing. i have no idea why they keep on repeating the points over and over and over again. one word: hypnopaedia
b) because my parents MAKE me go. in true adolescent fashion, of course i would resent this act of repressing my right to Fuh-reedom haha. i don't think i can accept this reason though because i know it's stupid because after all it is For My Own Good and sooner or later, i will become a good person as a result of all these weekly 3 hour sessions ahahaha.
c) maybe it's because i am so bad at it. the theoretical bits bore me to death, and sometimes hold such archaic schools of thought that it offends me. i cannot memorize the arabic verses because well. i am absolutely lost in the arab lessons i have no idea what is going on.
d) and i think this is it: my mindset is that the teachers i have, would never accept my opinions on controversial issues as what they are. i have a feeling that they would understandably, try to change it. and this annoys me.

there are so many laws in the system of islam and christianity that create so much debate because no one is sure how to interpret or apply it in today's world. like the punishment by stoning in islam legal system and how the laws are manipulated to benefit sexism. the catholic church who did not allow the 9-year old kid to have an abortion. how is it, that in a world that is in shades of gray, would it be logical to use a set of black-and-white rules to govern it? the FACT that religion is not a perfect system makes me distrust it. (note: the organized religion, NOT god.) can i believe what they say, and where they direct me when it is wholly possible that they might be wrong, and why can't i do what i want.

the obvious reason - and i hate answering my own questions - is that this would lead to complete anarchy and people will use their own interpretations for their own selfish uses, and so we are back to square one.

i don't believe in the conventional heaven and hell. not absolutely.

one, why would god, want to inflict eternal pain upon us. honestly, what does He gain from this? it won't make us better people since from what we've been told, the afterlife is The End. and come on, do you think that god, a higher being would resort to fire and physical tortures in the event that He wants to punish us? He created the UNIVERSE and manymanymany things that we still do not understand; give the guy some credit. fire and brimstone is so lame.

and a heaven that promises riches, nubile virgins, palaces and grapes draping from vines. i would expect that the people deserving of heaven, the people who have got There would have been enlightened enough to forgo all these materialistic possesions, no? it would be terribly sad to supposedly have reached the highest stage of personal evolution and still hold this things dear. i would think that heaven would be a place where we would just be simply happy, contented and complete. to be close to god, and be complete - now THAT'S something. and the day when that would be all that i want would be the day i turn into a meditating hermit garbed in thin cotton on a windy peak that would NOT be bukit timah. but it is true nontheless, nothingness is what counts.

WHICH brings me to the point that (i shall tread carefully here) organized religion is highly a human creation. i am NOT SAYING that humans created god, that is just stupid. but i DO think that all the fuss surrounding god, is a product of man. the conventional imagery of heaven and hell are such because we needed something to persuade ourselves to be Good People. that's why it's there, i don't see any reason. all the infuriating dogma and laws there because the people in the organizations are trying their darndest to lead their people as well as they can. it's not their fault i suppose when their well-meaning laws cause trouble instead but i STILL HATE it when their self-righteous.

why can't i just have god, and my conscience. i would like to do good things because i WANT to, not because i want to go to heaven. i would like to avoid doing bad things because i don't want to inflict harm on others. why is that not enough, and why do i still have to subscribe to a whole lot of debatable instructions of how to be a Good Person. if i make a mistake, as i'm sure i will, i will learn from it, and NOT repeat it for the reason that i don't want to. not because i don't want to go to hell.

which is why i think that buddhism (as what i know) as a philosophy is the way to go. it originated as a philosophy anyhoo. the concepts of karmic retribution is elementary and fair. the afterlife ends with nirvana, and not some fairytale story about paradise. it seems to be the most logical, and therefore, most applicable.

and yet, i still feel the need to end this post with a re-affirmation that i am a muslim, with my faith in god and the prophet still intact. but maybe, not anything else.

things that i learn/am told never to do, but still end up doing anyway

- procrastinating

- lying

- spending too much munneh

- not sleeping enough

- reading past writings and worrying terribly about it.
apparently, CAP results are next week and oh so cleverly, in a moment of procrastination, i was fiddling with the junk on my desk and ended up flipping through the portfolio i spent. apart from the usual cringing and what-not, i was quite horrified at finding several grammar mistakes in this prose piece that i wrote in the middle of the night. i finished that piece, as the sun rose up. and aaand i am guessing, the sleep deprivation hangover lasted until the day i handed the portfolio in because in the many times that i read through it, i NEVER spotted it.

and i think i put that particular one first in the portfolios. *dies* gross grammatical errors. maybe i'm over-reacting, but i don't know how fussy this People are - DO YOU? no you don't.

here's a new addition to the above list: - being too paranoid and twitchy.

i would really really rather not go for the pre-u sem. CAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAPCAP. maybe the People won't notice? *twitch* who are the people anyway! that's what i would want to know.

you know what this teacher of mine said to me? she told me that they had just pit me in the team of pre-u presenters, so i told her maybe she shouldn't because i'm still waiting for the CAP results, and if that gets through (pleasecrossesfingersplease), then i'd be pulling out of pre-u sem. and SHE went: "oh but from past experience, most applicants don't get through."

oh thank you, thank you very very much.








*and pass me your contact numbers via msn/e-mail people! its quite irksome when i on impulse, wish to call/message then realize that i can't because i'm not one of those fuh-reaks with the ability to memorize strings of seemingly random numbers. or you could leave it on my tagboard, but at the risk of attracting Annoying Stalkers of course. but then again, that could be something you might want to make your life uh, more interesting. who knows? i don't. GOODNIGHT AND GOODBYE - will go to sleep before i ramble myself off to sleep.

also! make sure you check out coraline by neil gaiman (yay zara). it is good.

also also! i have just racked up library fines on a book i borrowed, did not like, and didn't even finish. this dislike translated into procrastination, tardiness and cannot-be-bothered-ness. why do i keep doing this to myself. here's a good charity cause! The Pay Off Izyanti's Library Fines Fund - it even has a catchy last two words hoo. it's a finey-finey fine fund to contribute to kiddies, donate jeh-nerezzly so that she can continue scrounging for good books in the musty and smelly sock depths of the library. HAH new addition to the list: - paying library fines for books i did not like, and could not be bothered to finish.

i cannot believe that i am so naive to be still in disbelief that my handphone got stolen.

there are many things wrong with me, in this sense. i came home straight and stoned in front of the tv for what, about 5 hours. there goes all the studying i did in the library haha. let's make a list, whee.

What's Wrong With Me

- how idiotic can i be to leave my handphone (in my pencil case) while i go to the loo for FIVE FRIGGIN MINUTES. i just needed to shit, and came back with my phone GONE. and it's not even a the newestest-new model. oh god i feel so stupid. the horrid thing of course, is that i completely deserve it. one, because i was dumb enough to let my guard down. listen kiddies, the LIBRARY is a dangerous dangerous place. two, it's karmic retribution! for being momentarily bitchy, and and not being a nice person, and i'm still not brave enough to declare to the whole online world why i am such an imperfect person. bring on the fire and brimstone.

- and yet, i cannot help but blame (a little) the people who were sitting JUST beside me. HOW COULD THEY NOT NOTICE SOMEONE DIPPING THEIR HANDS INTO MY PENCIL CASE, that's what i want to know. stupid ajc geeks engrossed in their c maths. and yes, that comment is absolutely uncalled for, and i really don't mean it just let me rant okay. and no, they weren't the ones who took it. the security guy checked them - and i felt so so so horrid for putting them through that. harmless group of fellow muggers. hah I kept apologizing through the whole thing, that's the irony.

- i hate the fact that i bear a significant portion of the blame.

- and me, being completely anal, i'll link a lot of seemingly random things to today's Incident. for example, i will never be able to wear the shirt i'm wearing, or listen to the thrill's Deckchairs and Cigarettes without linking it to today. i cannot help it, i am stupid.

- the stupidly ironic thing is that while walking to the lrt on th eway to the library, i realized i forgot to bring my handphone. and i actually paused, and dithered whether i should walk aaaaaaall the way back, in the drizzle, to get my phone. and i did, for the logical reason of staying contactable. see kiddies, this is a Lesson In Which Being Logical Does Not Pay. if i had not gone back, i wouldn't have had it with me during the short duration at the library and mother dearest would me mildly angry, but if i had gone back, like i did, then mother dearest would be very angry (as she is) and AND, my phone would be with me (as i wish it were).

- and i cannot help but think ridiculous thoughts like, "see i should have stayed home and slacked. this is all because you went out to STUDY - what does this mean? next time, just STAY HOME." and "who asked you to be so geekily enthusiastic, studying in APRIL, pre-emptively reviewing all the econs notes and what-shit. mugging is bad.", anything to avoid the fact that it's my fault. i was mugged while mugging! sorry, i know, tis lame. bear with me.

- i just really really want my phone back. i can't even think about getting a replacement because i am just so caught up in uh, grief. IT IS TRUE. i just want MY phone back. all the contacts, and the funny pictures and videos. all the ones with charmaine being vainpotty and chinese new year@cjc and My First Ever X-Country and the 100Plus Endorsement video and nyiaaargh.




















i feel positively miserable.

and so begins my life being seventeen. i now have a magazine dedicated especially to me and my age group (not that i'll patronize it hoohoo) and and, apparently will spend the whole 365 days being nothing short of sweet. well it is now the 7th, and so 364 days more to go! what is the point of being seventeen, that's what i want to know. i still "can't" watch M-18 movies, uh buy alcohol, uh go clubbing so what am i seventeen for.

firstest first, a thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you to everybody who made my birthday a better day than usual - this would mean tash zara steffi and the rest of 1t03 for the delish cake! am liking my kiwi bag and viridian jelly slippers muchos *smiles* also, the random calls and well-wishing from um jeanie amanda nadya desmond matthew. CHARMAINE LEE YUN HUA who called me in the early morn (something impossible, usually), whom i miss terribly. and everybody else! (because i may have forgotten AND because i'm feeling particularly magnanimous tonight ahaha)

so! a few surprises sprung up on me yesterday, of which i shall not elaborate here. but anyway, it will prove to be an interesting year - or so my die-hard (i would say desperate) optimist cries.

today, was out with siew ching for linner (lunch cum dinner!) and then we popped over to kino to check out literature guidebooks. to digress a little: oh the shame the shame! to have to depend on guide books but damn william blake makes me feel absolutely stupid. and the fact that the diction is so simple, it appears deceptively elementary which grk DOES NOT HELP. i go to school, and come home feeling stupid. something doesn't quite click here.

back to my pointy-point! so we were at kino's literature section when this oldish japanese man comes up to us and asks, "are you looking for a higher and deeper meaning to life?" which of course, left us puzzled bemused and at least on my part, wary. cheeky old men you know, hurhur. BUT, it turns out, that's he's a struggling writer, having written a couple of books - one having taken him 14 YEARS and basically, i think he is rather bitter because he cannot find a publisher.

ahh the trials and tribulations, we all suffer for our art. i don't know why either, but i AM being mildly sarcastic as i say this.

we had an amusing rant, the three of us, but it was mostly him talking. he's travelled alot, the most recent being europe. he sleeps in changi airport, stubbled, dishevelled, and ranting against the commercialism and rubbish found on the shelves of kinokuniya. it was interesting, and there were many points in which we agreed upon and sincerely, i sympathize the guy. but you know, for the most part, he amused me. i'm sorry siew ching, but he did.

his unfailing idealism and utter conviction of his talent. both, terribly admirable - it's quite difficult to stubbornly maintain your idealogies (an OLD MAN, i remind you) and well, being absolutely sure of your own competency, it's something that's quite remarkable. the thing is, both notions are so foolish.

he had a few copies of his work, which we browsed through. the 14 year-novel and a collection of haikus. it was pretty good, the haikus but nothing uh, absolutely profound and we could only flip throough the novel and all i managed to catch was a lot of dialogue. it was bare, very sparse but he did say he was more ernest hemingway but really, i couldn't catch any striking linguistic style or what-not. but you know how literature is - it only becomes that after you die (and yes, i did tell him this and haha he agreed.) what disturbed me was his conviction though, that he was convinced that what he has produced was a masterpiece and in his words, a diamond. the way i see it, writing is a continual process so the epitome of perfection cannot exist. it's always better being a self-critic than a self-appraiser, and so much more worse when you are so very convinced. but, i'm just a 17 year old, he was in his 50s - maybe he knows something i don't know.

among other things, he talked about the stupidity of capitalism and that he fully supports communism. personally, i think there is no way communism can successfully work as long as the most fundamental factor, that is, our basic human nature does not change. we will succumb to greed for wealth and power, and come to think of it now, it is strange that for a man who has been through so many rejections that stem from a form of greed (commercialism), that he still believes in inner human goodness.

he was truly, from what we saw, a caricature of the idealistic, struggling artist. i completely, thoroughly admire his drive and i suppose, courage, but at the same time, i want to tell him "wake up and smell the fertilizer", but i didn't have the heart to. because there's a degree of delusion in being so confident that your work is full-blown literature and because of the indulgent masochism of being the struggling artist. i should know; takes one to know one. i hope he will be okay, an incredible character to meet.

there's a reason idealism is called what it is. if idealism was a workable notion, it'll be pragmatism wouldn't it. it exists EXACTLY because it'll fail in application.

his name was hideo asanki.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

i wrote a lengthy, actually intelligent reply to siew ching's blog entry about vietnamese brides and my mum did something and IT IS GONE! one day, when i am more calm and my neurones are not so annoyed, i will recall what i wrote, probably realize "whaaat, this is IT? the supposedly intelligent discourse - how embarassing", but for now, i shall mourn its sudden demise!

and so, i am going to rant angrily about something else that pisses me off:

SIMPLE PLAN.

stupid pop-punk angsty fluff! listen, there are bigger things in life than yor personal heartaches - the world is not going to stop its orbit because your girlfriend hates you or what shit. something i hate even more! the bloody idiots who go oh look at me, i'm so punk because i listen to simple plan and (wtf!) PUG JELLY. what is wrong with these people!! they're hiding under their ability to actually play instruments and write pathetically mediocre songs but they are actually boybands dammit HOW BLIND CAN YOU BE.

there. that slightly eases my pissed-offiness about my entry that went away!

maybe pop-punk bands have a purpose after all. as my punching bag! I don't understand how i can get so riled up about their existence but maaan, it just makes me grit my teeth augh. and pug jelly is crap. monkey shit! i'm sorry but their a pathetic excuse of a local band because a)it's pop fluff once again and b)THEIR A LOCAL BAND BANKING ON THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T LOOK LOCAL. how asinine can things get, honestly.

idiots.

so here is a list, a continuance (is there such a word?) of my indulgence of HOW PISSED I AM.

things that cause much annoyance to me

- last minute changes
- waiting for people
- last minute changes that force me to wait for people
- trashy music that blares on and on and on
- the people who for some reason, adore said trashy music.
- girls who dress in pink from top to bottom. honestly!
- reading a book, realizing it is absolute crap but forcing myself to continue anyway because i have to, and then returning it to the library late and having to pay insaaaaane fees because of a book that i DID NOT LIKE. i am stupid.

after this i am going to download pop-punk trash about the profound such as how the life of a teenager is difficult and i can't get a date for the prom, find myself a corner and give myself papercuts that spell out M-Y-L-Y-F-E-S-U-X.

do you want to know why i am blogging?

i am blogging because i have a bag of Marks&Spencer's Milk Chocolate Buttons beside me and ergo, i am happy. why do my recent posts revolve around food, i do not know. today i did not finish my warm and gooey brownie because i cannot believe i'm saying this, but it was to chocolatey. yes almost-blasphemous.

sadly, the buttons are getting a bit soft and messy to eat while hogging the computer and so, i have dumped them in the fridge where i shall rescue (fear not, muh buttons!)them before the Eville hands of equally chocolate loving mother and brother discover their existence. they are miney miney mine and unless i generously offer them to you, yes, still mine.

what absolutely incoherent rambling. matthew said that my last post was completely pointless. he is wrong, i think. ALL MY RECENT POSTS HAVE BEEN POINTLESS. i wish somebody would explain this phenomenon to me - why is it that i have absolutely nothing meaningful to say. it is strange and inexplicable.

something is wrong.

but you know, it matters not as long as i have my milk chocolate buttons. hmm i am beginning to notice an obsessive trend towards my milk chocolate buttons. today, we bought our uniforms. which admittedly, as much as i'm liking cjc so so so much, really look like factory uniforms. it is quite sad. how is it then that my fellow peers do not appear factory worker-like whereas i look as if i just stepped out of an electronics assembly line.

they say the the feeling of jealousy comes when you feel something that you think rightfully belongs to you has been wrongly taken away or withheld. which perhaps, explains why i no longer feel such an emotion. ahh you know who and what i'm talking about. typing the above out, i realized how much stronger the word "feel" is rather than "think". i suppose it doesn't apply to everybody but i do think that the emotional undercurrent plays a majoy part during Crucial Decision Making-time, which is perhaps, why i did not even apply for nyjc. i wonder whether this trait will prove to be my downfall in the future. i cannot be help but be rash and impulsive, and only a shred of logical sentiment holds me back from being completely stupid.

what a load of self-indulgent crap.

i don't know, but i noticed how that when it comes to dreams (the literal kind), it's the emotional undercurrent that makes up the main body of it. it's like when you had an especially moving dream and try to tell somebody, or write it down but it just absolutely falls FLAT because the mere desription of what happened and when the pink elephant fell out of the sky or when i took mathsC and got an A - it doesn't matter because it's not what you FELT.

not to be uber-morbid (which i uh, unsuccessfully try to keep sekrit) but i've had one of those dreams that go around your own suicide. it's common i know, but so very very impactful. mine was about how i popped pills and was waiting to die yadda yadda realized i didn't want to, regretted it and then as i was all morose and unhappy (SEE, SUICIDE IS NOT THE SOLUTION KIDDIES. chocolate buttons are.) the doctor told me that oops, you're not going to die after all because you didn't pop enough pills and i was disappointed that i was not going to die.

the point is!

throughout the entire, painfully long and tiring dream, i had this incredibly uncomfortably feeling. unsettling, out of sorts, in a high tension kind of way - WHICH i only realized today could be likened to what it feels like when you hold your breath and there's the unsettling tight STILLNESS and auugh. something like that.

surprise surprise, anotherlist!
things that give me a Good Impression on schools

- having toilet paper in the loo
- having good toilet paper in the loo (hurhur)
- having nice smelling soap in the loo
- nice administrative staff!
- interesting magazines to read in the general office
- a good selection of junk food in the canteen
- their school bell
- student artworks hanging on the walls
- the price of Ribena!

here's an appeal to the random readers out there: i heard that the NJC uniform is water-resistant for a whole of EIGHT seconds and and! is fire-retardant. but this means that the new uniform is very stiff so to soften the material, they BURN (well, kinda)it. tell me, is this true?! or, another mere urban legend against njc people. njc people are always being bullied on the grapevine, the poor things. take heart, they think cjc people are a bunch of skanks.

well. i haven't met any. skunks even! we are very hygienic here at cj.

do you know, i actually was in the process of writing an entry -

- and how i wish i could blame a temperamental internetexplorer or one of those ideeyot bugs for horrifically causing the dissipation of a painfully lenghthy entry. but i cannot. because uh, i did write something, but i got distracted and could not be bothered to save what i had written also because, it was only a pathetic non-purpose two paragraphs.

ahh. i learnt something today, in an MSN conversation. who says these things aren't educational? the thing is of course, i wish i didn't. i really, absolutely would rather have not.

this is poop.

more lists to compose myself! how strange that when it comes to actual writing, i hate any form of structure or what do they love to call it? ah yes. scaffolding.

what i ate today

- a bowl of oxtail instant noodles
- 4 small packets of those intense MSG-ed orange coloured mini-stick crackers.
- one bottle of mineral water
- 3 barbecued sausages
- 6 sticks of beef satay
- 1 small cup of unidentfied syrup drink
- 1 mug of super-sweet/creamy milo with mini marshmallows
- 1 cup of ribena

things that i need to do

- finish writing for jcCAP portfolio auugh
- finish writing + photocopying + colouring The Lonely Clud
- repress my Inner Cynic!
- sleep more.
- randomly, i wish life was a musical.

hah new list!

today's OST
- 100 ways to be a good girl; skunk anansie
- misery; the moffats
- fly me to the moon; diana krall
- dreaming of you; the coral
- megalomania; incubus
- faint; linkin park
- adrienne; the calling
- emotions; destiny's child.
- the blower's daughter; damien rice
- so sublime; skunk anansie
- anti-love song; skin+lenny kravitz
- all i have; jennifer lopez (and no, i have no idea why its here either!)
- the very thought of you; natalie cole.









and is this how i'm going to end my post?

things i ate today (in chronological order):

- a cup of water
- a sugary donut
- an orange
- an orange
- a sugary donut
- four blackcurrent Fruit-Tips
- one big triangular sushi thingy
- a pack of 6 of those small sushi things
- three pieces of roti kirai that my mum made (whee tlc.)
- a mini-tub of strawberry jam that they give you with your muffin/scone at various overpriced coffee joints. eaten in bed, scooped up with a finger, reading a darkly hilarious book, unearthed from the mustiness of the neighbourhood library.

i did not realize i ate so little today. also, i've forgotton how calming it is to make lists.

things that i learnt today:

- it is crucial to press the bus bell thing because the bus driver will NOT stop at the school bus stop despite his bus carrying near a dozen of cjc people. it is not his fault i suppose; he must be stoned from the routine and early morning. so what does this goes to show! early mornings are not good for you becaue it zonks out the mind, and age does not matter! you will be zonked whether you're 17 or 47.

- it is actually nice to walk along the shoulder lane of the expressway, because of all the wind. so despite the carbon monoxide, it is nice.

- i do not care much about you-know-who anymore. or to be more accurate, as much. or maybe, it's just today hmm. doesn't matter.

- it is disturbing to hear your art teacher say, "i don't know what i'm doing with my life either", especially when you only said i don't know what i'm doing because you were referring to your painting. it is quite bleak when the truth that we'll never reach a point of certainty is shoved in the face, grk.

- how very little of the 'significant' things i learnt today actually comes from the lessons i actually went through. ironic, considering we spend most of the time in school, and how very little it matters now! like the 0 Levels; who gives a shiet now? it's over and all that is left is a stupid number that dictates the next few number of your life. what is the point of academia?! augh it never matters in the end.

- the book i read today imparted me with the thinking that when you have a fatal disease, WHAT disease it is ceases to in importance because it doesn't matter. a rough quote from the book (because i cannot be bothered to run up to bedroom to get it) "What was this illness? I am not going to tell you because it doesn't matter!" and this was said by the third speaker narrative when the protagonist's mother is dying. sooper whimsical, and the book is full of these kind of interjections - wonderfully and insanely profound. it is a book of darkly amoosing ramblings that make sense!!

- oranges are a sensory pleasure to eat when you peel away the white stringy layer on the individual wedges so that all is left is the naked pulp. according to zara, i'm stripping away all the vitamin C hmm nothing's perfect.

The End.

things that i need to learn:

a) not to blog when you don't have much to say actually
b) not to procrastinate (malay and gp homework augh aaaaaugh)
c) not to procrastinate by blogging.

also, i need to figure out why i do not have much to say when actually, there is. so much that i want to say, and i suppose i'm waiting for the right time and the right person - so obviously this blog, as much as i try to keep it a honest representation of myself, it is not the avenue.

how strange.

i am not used to this feeling of keeping things to myself, what i used to do was to wear my heart (auugh cliche alert!) on my bloody sleeve. what makes this whole thingy even more..odd is the paradoxical nature of this situation. its a tad frustrating and sad i guess that i don't think there is anybody who completely understands me at this current period of time (unlike, well, last time lah) and on the other hand, there's this almost bitter smugness that smirks oh hah you think you know me so well, pbbt.

i am guessing that the lattar voice belongs to my inner, marginal but still significant, misanthrope.

oh but i should be so happy! that's what i realize everytime i sink into these melancholic musings. also, shut up yanti shut up! but then again, despite every other positive-ish thing that i'm going through, i cannot help but dwell on a certain issue that really lah, it unsettles me. it leaves me uneasy and i'm not sure what to do, and the thing is, i think that the resolution, if it exists, it has to come from myself.

i wish she would talk to me. there, i said it.

on a lighter note - and a sigh of relief choruses from the readers! i went to sentosa with 1t01 today, twas fun. DID NOT GET BURNT --> this is good, it means i have learnt my lesson and therefore, am not completely dense =) the water was really pretty today, very aquamarine. i wonder why, natasha says that hoohoo maybe they put in chlorine in the water but nyiaaaargh sentosa is not /that/ artificial right? right. but you know, the day's weather was perfect, the water was beautiful, we were missing a tedious and painfully tiring looooong day in school - things were going so well! how can this be? i'll tell you why:

the water today had a lot of those itty-bitty sea critters that bite/sting you and it really hurts! grk. they are normally around, yes i know, and i'm not a softie okay. today's onslaught of these naaaaaaaaasty plankton was exceptionally bad. we're swimming to the platform or just floating around and we'd be like, ow. ow. swim faster - ow. ow. maybe it was the high tide, because i think the last time it was half as bad, i was swimming in the morning as well. stupid plankton. why are they so meaan? ruined the first bit of swimming *rowr* had red bumps on spots where they bit me.

maybe it's the plankton's way of saying: hah you bunch of naked apes! though we're small, we can still cause alotta pain, take that you buggers! or, maybe it liked aaaaugh new theory! candice's sunblock. maybe. most of us were using her's, and it's the kind that smells really yummy and tasty - at least, it did to me. it smelt edible! like wonderfully, artificially flavoured bubblegum =)

you know, i think having a three-day work week really agrees with me. last week, i skipped wednesday, and we didn't have school on friday. this week, monday and tuesday. i feel much more calm. hmm, seemingly. actually, am quite niggled by the thought of all the missed lessons, and uh, facing my malay teacher. *nods sadly* it's my Inner Hermione. she just refuses to go away, and with the relative success of the O's, she been nagging not to be complacent. pbbt, i say.

aiya i can't keep this semblance of whimsical rambling up anymore. i'm sad today, despite yes, i had fuuuuuuuun at sentosa and candice's, which uh, makes me feel quite guilty for (is it?) this indulgence. but i am. pbbt!

nyiaaaaaaargh.











izyanti is a bitter bitter person. she supposes it would help if she knew why exactly she's feeling this sentiment but as of now, she really does not know. this also confuses her since everything is seemingly going well for her. WHY IS SHE..twitchy?

maybe it's because she sees people around her who are unhappy, and she's (or was) happy and now wonders why she is/was.

people are going away from her life! YES. that is it, the reason, or part of it, for her twitchiness. she's nervy that soon she'll have nobody because well, she's not that stupid to kid herself - things never last forever anyway. why is everyone going away, and why am i still here?

so much for keeping things detached and in the third person. why is everyone going away.

i suppose it is time to update.




















what is there to say though?

the euphoria of the O Levels is over, and i am glad. contented, thankful, for what i got. for the first time in four years, i think i finally got the results that my effort deserved.

trash-picking CIP at sungai buloh was cancelled due to the hevay rain. flash flood! nobody was willing to die for CIP.

people are going away, which leaves me quite sad. have not heard from some people in a long time, and i quite miss them. the people that i see relatively often, well, things are not the same anymore anyway. am rather sombre tonight. i wonder why.

heavy things unneccesarily weighing me down.

hmm.

it is strange how fiercely loyal to cjc i can already be, at times. charmaine's been asking around about cjc, and was..alarmed by all the negative commentary that she received. the typical 'cjc has a bad reputation', 'highest abortion rates!!' etc. okay, so fine, am not so sure about the lattar comment but am pissed about the first one! the people i met are generally nice and are hardly the havoc sluts/whores that this false notion implies. grk!

then, was also miffed when her mum felt that if it came down between JJC and CJC, she might as well pick the first since it's nearer and both are average. i don't think we're averaaaage! i suppose i'm being quite biased but nevertheless, i really believe what i say. we have great teachers (econs excluded, for obvious reasons hurhur) and an environment that has the right balance of fun and mugging. of course i say this with the complete awareness that this might only apply to me since it is after all, my opinion, but still! the point is, I LIKE IT HERE. yes - more than i did in bp when it comes down to the actual learning.

i may whine and moan at the workload and tiring onslaught of lessons, but i find that at the end of it, i still enjoy it. again, this excludes econs tutorials lah, hurhur.

man, why do i feel like i'm talking in circles?

it would be nice to have a wand and *poof* make everything all right.