look, i have something to love too finally!

my little online hamster. no shit, no pee, no mess. just its adorable little two-dimensional self, adoring the mouse cursor. such simplicity and innocence.












i'm not quite sure why i'm teetering on the emotional side tonight. maybe it's because i FINALLY read Lord of the Flies and it's rawness touched me more than i realized. such a strange thing, to be moved by printed words on paper. maybe it's because i took this online handwriting analysis quiz (don't laugh!) and it's accuracy touched a raw nerve. things that i've been in denial about.

i'm sorry if today's entry is a load of self-indulgent crud. i hope the religion post didn't set the bar up too high, that one was a product of a sporadic burst of..lucidity and rationalized angst.

but this thing here tonight, it's a skim of things i think i want to say. i'm never quite sure really, i don't say much nowadays. i realize that i've become the Listener mostly, and because a) i have nothing of much significance/importance/drama to say, b) it's easier. i've become an inarticulate thing in real life, the horror the horror! everything's answered with indefinite, dismissive phrases that i say for the sake of it. ah yanti, you silly silly thing.

and then, i suppose this could have been the catalyst: i was talking to a certain person today, an absolute friend, and it was an issue that was particularly significant to me. it was actually a relatively rare moment when i was as cliche as it may sound, baring my soul - this is what i am, and this is how i feel. it was that kind of moment.

and she absolutely did not get me. it was as if i was speaking german, or maybe as if i happened to transmorgify into an orang utan. it's not her fault really, but oh god. i think she understood what i was saying (no i'm NOT implying she is a moron), but she could not empathize. did not, could not grasp the emotional significance of what i was saying. maybe she's like that to everybody, in her obstinate way of being absolutely full of conviction for her own opinion that she leaves spare room for the ability to extend empathy. i don't know.

oh i should just shut up.