do you want to know why i am blogging?

i am blogging because i have a bag of Marks&Spencer's Milk Chocolate Buttons beside me and ergo, i am happy. why do my recent posts revolve around food, i do not know. today i did not finish my warm and gooey brownie because i cannot believe i'm saying this, but it was to chocolatey. yes almost-blasphemous.

sadly, the buttons are getting a bit soft and messy to eat while hogging the computer and so, i have dumped them in the fridge where i shall rescue (fear not, muh buttons!)them before the Eville hands of equally chocolate loving mother and brother discover their existence. they are miney miney mine and unless i generously offer them to you, yes, still mine.

what absolutely incoherent rambling. matthew said that my last post was completely pointless. he is wrong, i think. ALL MY RECENT POSTS HAVE BEEN POINTLESS. i wish somebody would explain this phenomenon to me - why is it that i have absolutely nothing meaningful to say. it is strange and inexplicable.

something is wrong.

but you know, it matters not as long as i have my milk chocolate buttons. hmm i am beginning to notice an obsessive trend towards my milk chocolate buttons. today, we bought our uniforms. which admittedly, as much as i'm liking cjc so so so much, really look like factory uniforms. it is quite sad. how is it then that my fellow peers do not appear factory worker-like whereas i look as if i just stepped out of an electronics assembly line.

they say the the feeling of jealousy comes when you feel something that you think rightfully belongs to you has been wrongly taken away or withheld. which perhaps, explains why i no longer feel such an emotion. ahh you know who and what i'm talking about. typing the above out, i realized how much stronger the word "feel" is rather than "think". i suppose it doesn't apply to everybody but i do think that the emotional undercurrent plays a majoy part during Crucial Decision Making-time, which is perhaps, why i did not even apply for nyjc. i wonder whether this trait will prove to be my downfall in the future. i cannot be help but be rash and impulsive, and only a shred of logical sentiment holds me back from being completely stupid.

what a load of self-indulgent crap.

i don't know, but i noticed how that when it comes to dreams (the literal kind), it's the emotional undercurrent that makes up the main body of it. it's like when you had an especially moving dream and try to tell somebody, or write it down but it just absolutely falls FLAT because the mere desription of what happened and when the pink elephant fell out of the sky or when i took mathsC and got an A - it doesn't matter because it's not what you FELT.

not to be uber-morbid (which i uh, unsuccessfully try to keep sekrit) but i've had one of those dreams that go around your own suicide. it's common i know, but so very very impactful. mine was about how i popped pills and was waiting to die yadda yadda realized i didn't want to, regretted it and then as i was all morose and unhappy (SEE, SUICIDE IS NOT THE SOLUTION KIDDIES. chocolate buttons are.) the doctor told me that oops, you're not going to die after all because you didn't pop enough pills and i was disappointed that i was not going to die.

the point is!

throughout the entire, painfully long and tiring dream, i had this incredibly uncomfortably feeling. unsettling, out of sorts, in a high tension kind of way - WHICH i only realized today could be likened to what it feels like when you hold your breath and there's the unsettling tight STILLNESS and auugh. something like that.

surprise surprise, anotherlist!
things that give me a Good Impression on schools

- having toilet paper in the loo
- having good toilet paper in the loo (hurhur)
- having nice smelling soap in the loo
- nice administrative staff!
- interesting magazines to read in the general office
- a good selection of junk food in the canteen
- their school bell
- student artworks hanging on the walls
- the price of Ribena!

here's an appeal to the random readers out there: i heard that the NJC uniform is water-resistant for a whole of EIGHT seconds and and! is fire-retardant. but this means that the new uniform is very stiff so to soften the material, they BURN (well, kinda)it. tell me, is this true?! or, another mere urban legend against njc people. njc people are always being bullied on the grapevine, the poor things. take heart, they think cjc people are a bunch of skanks.

well. i haven't met any. skunks even! we are very hygienic here at cj.