look kiddies, it's me again.

i've noticed that i always seem to blog more post-CAP, and it's not just the silly memes either. so! i was skimming through alfian saat's blog (http://alfian.diaryland.com/) and came across and entry when he kinda addressed the issue of being malay and well, tokenism. if that's even a proper word! but not quite the point here -

there are times when the euphoria(?) of getting selected for a programme becomes marred by the notion that perhaps, i was selected because i'm malay and doesn't this country just loves being multi-racial. that i am there not simply for merit, but because it would be in accordance to this need to ensure cultural diversity. it's quite a disturbing thought and you know, it's always been a niggling whisper that i just cannot ignore. i don't even want to go into discussion about the selection process for CAP because it seems rather screwed and very much confusing and as janice probably aptly pointed out, might be something of a drinking game. it's one of life's greatest mysteries.

but then there are clear cases which in retrospect, are quite perturbing. okay fine, i exaggerate - it's only ONE case, and even then, may simply be a product of my paranoia. i got selected (among a few others) for pre-u sem without even going for any of the selection interviews. i always found this rather strange that the teacher picked me because at that time, i wasn't being very vocal in class. but, whatever, i felt, it's a plan B in case my application for CAP doesn't pull through. then the teacher approached me and asked, "How's your malay, izyanti?"

"um, it's all right i suppose."

"what did you get for your O Levels?"

"B3."

"oh that's good. you'll be speaking to the media for pre-u sem -"

"- in malay?? whoa wait - i can't do CONVERSATIONAL MALAY,"

"well, you'll have quite a lot of time to brush up on it then!"

admittedly, the above is *slightly* embellished because this conversation happened what, more than 2 months ago. the point is, i think a huge part of the reason why i got picked is because i represented a minority race and it would be simply too perfect to show that yes, minority races also take part in huge government-aided events such as this! the perfect picture of the singaporean society, i suppose.

do i mind having my race being part of the selection criteria, even if a) it wasn't absolutely intentional b) i suppose it's a form of "positive" discrimination?

yes, i do. i don't want to be a token malay! there simply because it reflects well on the organizers or our society. i'm not saying that i got picked solely for being malay because i'm quite sure that uh, some of my merit was taken into consideration because otherwise, it would be simply ridiculous; and i'm quite sure this rationale follows through in cases for other people as well. it's just that, if i had my idealistic way, this whole race issue wouldn't even be part of it, that's all.

i remember during the opening ceremony for CAP'04, alfian saat was the guest speaker. hazri was there too, and people kept saying things along the line of "omg hazri, you're the next alfian saat", and he got pretty annoyed. i'm not quite sure myself what was the root cause of his bristliness at this comparison since i never got around to asking him and besides, he's probably forgotten by now. i'm just very anal and remember stupid stuff like this. what I think he got so bristly about was that people made the comparisons on the basis that:
a) he's a malay male
b) who writes english poetry
and wow, isn't that exactly like alfian saat. ergo, you are the Next Big Thing.

i guess i'm just lucky there haven't been any prominent malay female english prose-writers.