okay today i shall talk about something that does NOT revolve around my stolen handphone, or my momentarily empty stomach, or school-related angst. AND NO, AM NOT PROCRASTINATING. ahh what the hell-o, i cannot deny what is true but BUT, that is not the pointy-point here.

(on a side note: i don't think xiaxue is completely crud but you will never hear my say she is uh, absolutely deserving of the award she won either and bless my short-term memory and possible lack of interest, i can't remember what it was called. she CAN be astute under all the pink webspace and profanities. her ramblings are amoosing, at times. SO!)

i usually avoid discussions about my personal beliefs on religion because as most of you know, i cannot stand any kind of huge, dominating and sweeping organizations who basically the way i see it, dictate a person's life. understanding absolutely of course, that they usually do so with the "it's for your own good, kiddies. listen to me, or suffer in the afterlife", i still find trouble swallowing down what they say without any gristle, so to speak. i shut up about what i think because i don't want to offend people maybe, and ALSO, i think this is it: i don't want to bother provoking people with my opinions in a situation where it is impossible to agree - it is of no point, creating emotional stress and i have enough pimples thank you very much.

and then there is the whole saying it out loud will make my opinion undeniably mine, and there's still a part of me that worries that i metaphorically will be struck down by lightning.

sometimes, i wonder what it's like to be a convert. not the kind who convert because they want to marry but because they FEEL the calling, or what-not. i might envy them i think, because they'd have a certainty that i as of yet, have never felt. i was born into Islam, so it's been part of my life and honestly, i feel nothing. yes i have my faith in god but it's not exactly what you would call strong. being a muslim, it's like breathing air - i've been so accustomed to it that i can't feel it except for the fact that it's there.

it's an unintentionally apathetic state of being. i do realize that i *could* do something about it. revive my faith to searing and soaring heights but this is where my cynicism about large organizations kick in. i still wonder why i resent going to madrasah/religion classes so much.
a) because the textbooks we have are not only in malay, but also leave a lot to be desired when it comes to editing. i have no idea why they keep on repeating the points over and over and over again. one word: hypnopaedia
b) because my parents MAKE me go. in true adolescent fashion, of course i would resent this act of repressing my right to Fuh-reedom haha. i don't think i can accept this reason though because i know it's stupid because after all it is For My Own Good and sooner or later, i will become a good person as a result of all these weekly 3 hour sessions ahahaha.
c) maybe it's because i am so bad at it. the theoretical bits bore me to death, and sometimes hold such archaic schools of thought that it offends me. i cannot memorize the arabic verses because well. i am absolutely lost in the arab lessons i have no idea what is going on.
d) and i think this is it: my mindset is that the teachers i have, would never accept my opinions on controversial issues as what they are. i have a feeling that they would understandably, try to change it. and this annoys me.

there are so many laws in the system of islam and christianity that create so much debate because no one is sure how to interpret or apply it in today's world. like the punishment by stoning in islam legal system and how the laws are manipulated to benefit sexism. the catholic church who did not allow the 9-year old kid to have an abortion. how is it, that in a world that is in shades of gray, would it be logical to use a set of black-and-white rules to govern it? the FACT that religion is not a perfect system makes me distrust it. (note: the organized religion, NOT god.) can i believe what they say, and where they direct me when it is wholly possible that they might be wrong, and why can't i do what i want.

the obvious reason - and i hate answering my own questions - is that this would lead to complete anarchy and people will use their own interpretations for their own selfish uses, and so we are back to square one.

i don't believe in the conventional heaven and hell. not absolutely.

one, why would god, want to inflict eternal pain upon us. honestly, what does He gain from this? it won't make us better people since from what we've been told, the afterlife is The End. and come on, do you think that god, a higher being would resort to fire and physical tortures in the event that He wants to punish us? He created the UNIVERSE and manymanymany things that we still do not understand; give the guy some credit. fire and brimstone is so lame.

and a heaven that promises riches, nubile virgins, palaces and grapes draping from vines. i would expect that the people deserving of heaven, the people who have got There would have been enlightened enough to forgo all these materialistic possesions, no? it would be terribly sad to supposedly have reached the highest stage of personal evolution and still hold this things dear. i would think that heaven would be a place where we would just be simply happy, contented and complete. to be close to god, and be complete - now THAT'S something. and the day when that would be all that i want would be the day i turn into a meditating hermit garbed in thin cotton on a windy peak that would NOT be bukit timah. but it is true nontheless, nothingness is what counts.

WHICH brings me to the point that (i shall tread carefully here) organized religion is highly a human creation. i am NOT SAYING that humans created god, that is just stupid. but i DO think that all the fuss surrounding god, is a product of man. the conventional imagery of heaven and hell are such because we needed something to persuade ourselves to be Good People. that's why it's there, i don't see any reason. all the infuriating dogma and laws there because the people in the organizations are trying their darndest to lead their people as well as they can. it's not their fault i suppose when their well-meaning laws cause trouble instead but i STILL HATE it when their self-righteous.

why can't i just have god, and my conscience. i would like to do good things because i WANT to, not because i want to go to heaven. i would like to avoid doing bad things because i don't want to inflict harm on others. why is that not enough, and why do i still have to subscribe to a whole lot of debatable instructions of how to be a Good Person. if i make a mistake, as i'm sure i will, i will learn from it, and NOT repeat it for the reason that i don't want to. not because i don't want to go to hell.

which is why i think that buddhism (as what i know) as a philosophy is the way to go. it originated as a philosophy anyhoo. the concepts of karmic retribution is elementary and fair. the afterlife ends with nirvana, and not some fairytale story about paradise. it seems to be the most logical, and therefore, most applicable.

and yet, i still feel the need to end this post with a re-affirmation that i am a muslim, with my faith in god and the prophet still intact. but maybe, not anything else.