i suppose it is stupid, this fretting and all. and it was mean for me to think nasty, sour grapey thoughts and now that i am much more calm in this 1.04AM daze, i know that i don't mean it.

i'll just have to wait for monday.

but it's eating me. nnngh and i don't want to have to fall back on Plan B - who ever wants to put Plan B into action anyway. that's why it's the SECOND CHOICE, because you don't really want it anyway.

rejection - maybe i shouldn't even talk about it. might jinx it and all. but honestly, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, THAT BETTER BE NOT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING DAMMIT MR FAHY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU BETTER HAVE ANSWERS FOR ME MONDAY MORNING OR I WILL DIE. SOMEWHAT. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU PEOPLE ARE, TELLING ME I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOU STUPID PIECES OF MONKEY CRUD.

there, just in case (also, made me feel better hoohoo).






and i can't think of anything remotely intelligent else to say. this is a very perturbing trend i've observed. suddenly i'm not doing quite well in school, especially GP comprehensions and debate trainings have been full of me being moronically incoherent and asinine - my favourite word is officially "um". god i feel stupid. maybe my neurones have decided to revolt. or more interestingly, their taking part in a social experiment, to see how i would fumble around with half a brain. i bet their laughing now, eating popcorn. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, DON'T YOU, YOU BLOODY NEURONES. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PART OF MY BRAIN. I TELL YOU, I LIKE MY HAEMOGLOBIN-CARRYING RED BLOOD CELLS MUCH BETTER HAH BECAUSE THEIR CUTE AND SQUISHY IN THEIR BI-CONCAVE NON-NUCLEATED WAY.

i don't even like popcorn.

if you start thinking about it, being generally pissed off is quite a strange thing. when phenomally pissed, especially at nothing in particular, you have the capability to walk up to anybody and give them a bloody good kick in the shin, and not feel guilty for maybe, half an hour.

i am such a pathetic excuse of a sociopath.

because really, i have an innate sense of Goodness that i cannot deny. if i could have it my way, i would fill the world with doves puppies and kittens (conveniently, all toilet-trained) and make sure that there would be rainbows in the sky and i would go around in an organic white cotton toga with my hair quite suddenly a mane of earth goddesness and i will tell everybody: "world peace, my children. world peace." and they will all obey me because i am such a lovely and good person, and then,

I WILL BE THEIR QUEEN AND YOU WILL PAY OBEISANCE TO MY MERE EXISTENCE, O SIMPLE MORTALS OF PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANCE!