a most definitely absolutely very rather quite long wait
and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait fear and wait and wait and wait anxiety and wait and stop.

one,
two,
three more

days!too soon.

a product of today's lecture on free verse. i rambled another one as well, but it's circular SO.

waaah am hungry.

sometimes i wonder whether im over-doing it. but then i think, there's no harm in it i suppose other than the fact that i will be disappointed quite a number of times - but that should be all right. at least, i think so. what i am trying to do is to cram in all that i missed out on in secondary school in these two years of jc.

hah i say that as if i KNOW i'm staying in jc. it's a toughie contemplating or approximating what's going to happen come monday.

i have no idea.

okay i can see this entry is absolutely going nowhere, so i shall shut up now.

i have avowed to be a Nice Person for the next few days in an effort to garner Good Karma, seeing that our Os results are coming reaaaaaaaaaally soon. i can see however, that i will not be able to keep to this and that this entry will most definitely break it. *sigh* it's not my fault really, its the existence of (insert insulting term here) people!

you see, i was reading the newspaper today and there was this really annoying letter sent in by somebody in the forum, whining about how "free mass displays of art should stop until Singaporeans know how to appreciate them".

he was whining about how such exhibitions are prone to vandalism but come on! the artist is placing his work in public, and risks like vandalism must be and have already been taken into account anyway. it's idiotically idealistic to be so outraged at vandalism - it happens. and instead of taking it so negatively and "oh nobody understands us artists, woe is me!" (he's an art and design student), we can/should(?) take it as society interacting with art. art after all, is about the public reacting to your work and if vandalism is their reaction..well.

i can agree that singaporeans are not all artistically aware such that they always have a profound appreciation for art, and that there is a general mass of plebians in our society who think art is just indulgent fluff (which admittedly, it sometimes is). but what, since when was vandalism unique to Uniquely Singapore? I don’t have concrete evidence either, but I’m assuming that there is hardly a place in the world where public works of art are not subjected to some degree of vandalism. again, IT HAPPENS. the society we live in isn’t perfect, and it just annoys me when people criticize singaporean society as if it’s a perfect utopia out there and we live in a barbaric state.

and for an ART student to assume perfection as the default for society, I cannot help but think how stupidly narrow his mindset and thinking must be.

this is not to say I would not be unhappy if MY own work was vandalized. if I had put it up, willingly, at the risks that the public poses, of course I would be upset but I would also accept it. it’s silly to do otherwise! it’s like, walking down a Taliban afghanistan in a bikini as a political statement, and then to get upset when they stone you to death. if it was put up AGAINST my permission *coughschoolexhibitscough*, then duh I would be thoroughly pissed.

if you want your work to be safe, then keep it at home swathed in layers and layers of cotton! don't show it to the world because hey the world is a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangerous place, didn't you hear?

i've always been puzzled by the way statues are always made off limits to wandering hands by lurking security guards. i suppose it's because i'm a very tactile person but my point is that the fact that it is a three dimensional work should mean that it ought to be experienced three dimensionally as well! to see is one thing, but to touch is an entirely different plane of experience. especially for sculptures, the textures and contours unfelt because we're not allowed to, what a waste!

to have it invisibly cordoned off seems to me as if they want the piece of art to be isolated from society, untouchable. literally, to be put on a pedestal. which doesn't make sense - because isn't art suppose to reflect society, it's a PART of society. there should be an interaction between the two, so when this statue -a reflection of life as the artist knows it- is placed out of bounds, it's unfair. if the artist was allowed to use society as material for his art, it seems imbalanced that we are not allowed to have it in OUR own sphere of living.

but you get my point, don’t you?

you know what? i just realized how much i miss buffy the vampire slayer.

to be more specific, the relantionship dynamics between buffy and spike. *squee james marsters awesome* but then again, how can we not take into account willow turning Evil, and why. and xander, the poor guy. i always felt he's been short-changed somehow, it's the story of his life. buffy has always annoyed me though; it's always been about the people revolving around her for me.

in it's own way, the later seasons were beautiful. depthful and thought-provoking, wonderfully complex with yes, literary undertones. which is why when i turn bloody rich and my dad finally decides to purvey a DVD player, i'm getting the..last three seasons of BTVS. just enough without bloody friggin angel. as spike would say, tall dark and forehead - the bloody git.

i love the show.

watching it, it could just move me so much. yes, it is very angsty in a sense, but not well *cough* ala the OC or horror of horrors, Charmed. and no, i do not hide my disdain for the latter. only buffy fans will understand *shakes head sadly*

spike was a wonderful character (and yes, it helped that hurhur he's hot), but his prior inner turmoil of being good/eville, and later on, the horror in which he realizes that yes, he looooves buffy and of course, the absolutely perverse way in which he goes about doing it. he's at the same time, a gentleman and well, spike. and the way and times buffy hurts him! ah that eville biyatch. no i can never forgive her for doing that to him; his complete devotion and the paaaaain that he goes through for her. it makes my heart cry.

ah. the ramblings of a fangirl suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

listening to john mayer's Neon, tis groovy indeed. whee free music provided by daryl, thanks.

you know, i had a good old mugging session planned for myself at the library today after school and i was actually off to a good start. the jeanie popped over and we started yabbering like old times =) and i told myself, "nemind, i'll just talk to her for the hour that she's here then i can continue mugging". then nadya popped over as well.

*sigh*

gossip gossip.

when jeanie left, i managed to get some mugging done because well, i've known nadya for like, for-evaaaaah and i'm so sick of her. kidding! *hugs* she was still playing with her blu-tacl - how typical of her to be absolutely fascinated by the completely inane! but yes, i suppose that is how her *cough* mind works. anyhoo, she left to take a purchasing tour of the canteen, and when she came back, she dragged along yes, desmond.

augh! and there goes another bout of gossiping. you know, kinda like bp reunion of sorts (HAH! three people.) it was fuuuuun, strange how thegrapevine continues functioning despite being away from the vineyard itself. i suppose that is the extent of it's tendrils.

okay okay stupid analogy i know! i'll shut up now

so desmond learnt something new today snerk! i learnt something new today! something that i will not air on this blog, but aini gennie come talk to me! hurhur. also, we know that someone(s) thinks someone else is the Hotness.

hyok. ah. the shallow giddy fun of such gossiping.

but you know, me. i'm blind-sided by my own object of infatuation. oh oh of which the gossiping session also yielded a nugget of happy hope! he noticed when i am un-there! bear with me, and the little inane things that entertain me.

oh no. i'm just like nadya.

THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

then me and nad (grammatically incorrect i know, but sounds more normal ya?) took the 985 and trooped down to our old home base: LOT 1!! was sorely disappointed cuz my cheap+good black ink pens are gone. if anybody sees mon ami black gel ink pens that cost a mere yes, $0.65, please grab a few for me! i will love you with all my heart. i think it's my surfing of the crimson tide, but waaaah. we popped over to nyiaaargh that teenybopper place, more than words, and went nutty over of all things

stickers!

you know, the puffy cute ones. but really, i fell in looove with them. so cheap, and i can't help but use this adjective once again, cute. i got um chocolatey ones, duckey ones and WHEE cluddy ones! the thing is, i don't usually go for kawaai-cute things like these. and yet today. wah. must be the hormones! either that, or truly my brain is rotting away...from?

happy i am. also, blythe badges.

a very very very fun valentine's at cjc! chocolates candy and cheeriness galore; oh we felt so loved what with the massive exchange of personalized "i heart (insert name here)" stickers - tangible evidence of friendship and luh-urve! what more could i want?

yes.





























*sigh*

i suppose It went relatively well. we shall have to see of course; and i thought 40 minutes was long, pbbbbbt! but do not worry faithful readers! i am not all melancholic like a certain clud, or love-lorn and dying *melodrama!* from a broken heart. i am finey-fine, and re-assure myself that in uh, 20 years time i shall look back and laugh. LAUGH with much glee and giddy euphoria. hopefully, at that point of time, i will not be clothed in a straitjacket yes thankyouverymuch.

but he is lah. why i am such a sucker for pretty faces i do not know; what i do not even know more is why i am such a sucker especially for his!

go figure.

but warily, i advise you not to give me something of a freudian nature because bless that german doode, his theories are rather perturbing and not something i want to consider hmm.

augh frock-shit.

i don't have my malay dictionary with me, and i have homework that needs it, due monday. and a teacher who wields a hefty threat of detention till 2200, and i actually think she will pull it off because
a) they have night study for the jc2s so it's logistically possible.
b) yes, she can be that big a meanie.

*sigh*

what i would do to get back my malay slackery days in secondary school. but still, one more year. a single year. i think i shall be able to survive that, somehow. things are not too bad - i'm still rather abysmally incompetent (at least, i think i am) but fortunately, that doesn't seem to matter much in cj. everybody sucks. so yes, no aini/rafidah (basically anyone who's actually REALLY good in malay) to feel sucky with.

see? a bloody silver lining behind every clud.

speaking of cluds, i have embarked on a new writing adventure! honestly, i think it's so cute it kills me. a children's story, with illustrations to boot; and whimsical a prose/poetry hybrid to tell the the tale of a lonely clud. i haven't had this much fun since...i can remember, writing-wise. it's fleshing out quite nicely (33 little panels and counting), and is getting to be much longer than i expected.

how very thrilling!

its squee luhvly when stories and plotlines just develop on their on, you can actually see the evolution process - it still makes me giddy(?) when i write this way. to hell with plot outlines! although, i'm currently a little stuck but not to worry! will be meeting up with charmaine and matthew for lunch, who will feed me with fodder to continue this indulgence.

i suppose this is why, before everything else, i'll always be a prose-ish writer. followed by, uh, art student + wannabe sometimes thespian + never-poet. i cannot wait for jc CAP, and will die if i don't get in. a possibility that my enthusiasm does not want to consider.

in commemoration of the coming Valentine's day (and yes, i know tis early):

An Original Poem in Latin and Five Translations.

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
- Catallus (circs 85-55 B.C)

I love and hate, Ah! Never ask why so!
I hate and love. . . . and that is all I know.
I see ‘tis folly, but I feel ‘tis woe.
- Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864)

I hate and love. Why? You may ask but
It beats me. I feel it done to me and ache.
- Ezra Pound (1885-1972)

O th’hate I move love. Quarry it fact I am, for that’s so re
queries.
Nescience, say th’fiery scent I owe whets crookeder.
- Celia & Louis Zukofsky (1904-1978)

I hate & love. And if you should ask how I can do both,
I couldn’t say; but I feel it, and it shivers me.
- Charles Martin (b. 1942)

I hate and love. Ignorant fish, who even
Wants the fly while writhing.
- Frank Bidart (b. 1939)

something i remembered i had stowed away in the corners of my computer. this is what musing on love with a friend online will do to you.

personally, i like the ezra pound the best.

that is all i have to say today. meanwhile, curling under my rock, i shall ponder and muse how i will pull of the stunt that i am planning. if you do not hear of me by monday evening, you will know that i would have decided to permanently make that rock my primary residence.

huh.

self-censorship. i don't think i've found myself doing this, at least, not consciously. so not to worry, i'm NOT being PAP-ized! it's just a niggling undercurrent whenever i start blogging or am thinking about blogging. but then again, maybe its an excuse i use to make up for my lack of entries and therefore, lack of material to be blogged about, so THERE. hurhur.

i don't know (do we ever?). and i don't think i would ever want to start up a private blog.

cue: paradox.

on the basis of principles, i think starting a private blog in co-existence with a public one isn't being very honest to your "audience" and is already a form of self-censorship. you're already segregating what you say into private and public categorizations, and i don't think that's very different from publicizing some opinions, and keeping the rest silent by not saying it out loud.

also, i think having an audience so to speak forces us to grow up. i would imagine that if i allow myself to come up with a private blog that has no readership of the people i know, i would literally lose control and rant and rant and rant with much prejudice, angst and lack of thought. because when "nobody" reads it, you don't have to worry about being fair or remotely intelligent. do you really need proof? all i have to do to convince myself how things will turn out private-blogging would be to find one of my old diaries, read it and try not to die cringing. so even though this means scurrying away the facet of immaturity etc and therefore not being true to yourself, maybe this is a good thing after all. a blog doesn't necessarily have to mean you become an open book. the question is, do i really want other people to be able to confirm what an immature arse i am?

of course not. i will be an enigma! i'm going to keep you buggers guessing moohar.

also. the attention loving slut that i (sometimes) am, thrives on readership. *shakes head sadly* and for a moment, you guys thought i had achieved inner zen and enlightenment, and i just HAD to ruin it with the above statement.

ah well. enough bush-beating about self-censorship, moooooooving on!

my cough is slowly killing my brain. eveytime i launch into a coughing spasm, my brain feels like it's bouncing off against my skull and oh dear gawd can you imagine hpw many neurones may be dying at this rate?! the horror the horror. on a happier note, my medication is a full force sleep-inducing concoction! according to mother dearest, the cough syrup that i'm taking is actually a morphone derivative - which explains the wonderfully woozy light-headiness i felt before falling into a 6 hour nap.

morphine. cool.

i have learnt however, that a scoop of mango sorbet, a square of cadbury dairy milk chocolate, a few ikan bilis, a handful of yummalicious raisins, and a canned longan indeed, does make a difference. ask my raw throat and aching stomach (from the surpressed coughing fits). Lesson: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHE, but also realzie that you will not when faced with uh, tempting treats and that therefore, you will suffer anyway.

sighy-sigh. V-day next monday. and yes i want to do something non-platonic this year, but knowing my aversion towards emotionally traumatizing/humiliating situations, i most likely won't be doing anything. if you're reading this, 'guy-on-the-bus', dammit, i lalalalalala-ike you! and i have no idea why either, so poo.

yes. i was planning to sms everybody a Happy Chinese New Year!! this morning, but because i woke up at 1625 all woozy, i uhh forgot. so here it is: happy chinese new year to:
- the convalently bonded clique!
- 1t11
- 1to1
- random cjc-ers
- random blog readers

i love you all, like omg i can't believe i won! i'd like to thank my mother, my father, my parents, the people who failed and therefore, allowed me to win, my Eville Minions -

oops. wrong speech.

okay.

i am going to be the how many-th blogger to examine the issues of privacy and self-censorship when it comes to what we do, blogging. a warning, it will be very brief and not thorough, as all my recent *sighs* posts have been, because like everyone else, i am tired.

good ole hazri has blogged a considerably lengthy post on exactly what has been troubling me this past few weeks. blogging, it IS dangerous. and our fears are not unfounded, and they ARE NOT PARANOID. i know it just reeks of irony when we panic over who exactly might be reading our blogs because of free-linking, since we have willingly exposed it to the internet.

the thing is, privacy and the degree of exposure is all an abstract concept and we don't really feel the invasion of privacy (self-caused, i know)until something happens and it really WHAMS home. suddenly, we realize that we have not control over what we write anymore, because we cannot control who reads it! the creator, is left with no control - and yes, this is really scary.

some things i write here, I DON'T WANT CERTAIN PEOPLE TO KNOW. and oh gawd, it's really pointless creating a disclaimer! it's like when people say, "i don't mean to be rude/critical/bitchy but -" and go ahead and be it anyway. it just doesn't work. the only way(s)out, is to either not give a flying shit (and this is quite difficult unless you're emotionally autistic) or well, yes here is the dreaded word: self-censorship.

and what is the point of a blog when there is a self-censorhip.

notice that the above is NOT a question, but a statement. so. if this blog suddenly turns silent -and i really hope it doesn't-, you know why. i shall be joining the growing ranks of bloggers who just quietly fade away into increased anonymity.

i have something to say.


































i am zonked.

we are zonked.


















*dies*

all right all right, i'm forcing myself to blog here. the reason for my sudden lack of entries? i don't know, i'm starting to feel stupid blogging, with the assumption that people are actually interested in what this 16-going-on-17 wants to say. like, omg why do you care?!

really.

and yet, here i am. the truth is, i'm having a lot of fun in jc. the class just ISN'T 406 (can anything ever be?), but that notwithstanding, i am having a good time. i'm doing fairly well in class, the teachers don't think i'm a delinquent(!) and i'm sooper-sooper enthusiastic in all my CCAs.

i really do want to take over the school *eville laugh* such is the extent of my ambition. yes, i do realize it is rather impractical but you know i have an affinity towards hyperboles! i'm having fun meeting new people, some i like, some i don't. some with whom i can see the potential of the beginnings of a Wondrous friendship (fellow aries!), and some one to fix my hurhur devotions upon. i suppose this is what 'living life to it's fullest' means, and wow it feels great.

things aren't all fluffy and whee-ing of course. there's a lot of work, and i'm currently procrastinating, and there are moments of uncertainty and strain. but somehow, in my Moment of IntenseOptimism, i'm looking at it in such a way that the dark bits will make the uh brighter bits well. brighter.

oh dear gawd i male myself sick with all this talk of optimism and happiness. the next think you know, a furry pink bunny will jump out of the screen as you read this:

BOO!

_____________________________

HAH. the above was written 2 days ago.

i have since been ripped out of 1t11, abducted by a rather nice alien and plunked into 1t01. i suppose all is finey-fine, and i cannot count how many times i have said, 'yeah the class is nice. their really making an effort to make me feel comfortable' *smiling weakly*.

and yet.

it's a paradox really. when i'm with 1t01, i think about ye Olde class, and how i miss our little quirks. then when i pop over, i realize that even though i sincerely do miss them, their not as peeeerfect as i had made it out to be (d'oh!). and when i'm in either, i feel guilty referring to the other as 'my class'. so, as usual, like everything else, i'm stuck in the middle. what do i want!

I WANT STABILITY DAMMIT.

and really, that is a first for me because i usually appreciate change. it's interesting, and brings interesting moments but this time, with the sudden overload of work, cca and sleep depravation, waaah. it makes me feel like yelling, stop the room from spinning - i wanna get off! and the whirligig of time brings upon us it's revenges. it honestly feels like each time i pass a test (okay fine, YOU think of a better analogy when you're dead-ed), a higher bar is set for me to jump, and all i feel like doing is to go, waaaaait i need to crash. and actually, literally do.

yes.

today's cross country, fun. i raaan with ye olde class, felt kinda guilty. but uh. i dunno. anyhoo! it was fun running in the woody areas of mac ritchie, absolutely demoralizing running past speeding trucks at the expressway and breathing in volumes of carbon monoxide. wei qi my running buddy! though she uh, disappeared suddenly when i accompanied alex to the loo. who then too disappeared when she went of to look for a teacher, talked to siew ching, and then we both disappeared. a day of chesire cat-ing. re-joined the New Class, pranked-pointed at nothing in the sky (hurhur!), climbed a few gates/fences, stank up the bus and went through the messy motions of deciding where to eat.

yayness. he sat beside me on the bus today. if i had more energy, i'd translate it into massive amounts of exclamation marks, but fortunately for you dear reader, i don't! what luck! he sat beside me - and the irony, oh the irony! i was flipping through The Picture of Dorian Gray because i was going to return it today. irony seems to plague much of my life, how darkly amoosing. i wish his friend was not there (and i know nadya agrees with me on this, except for a completely different reason). on a sad-er note, he saw me running towards the finishing line during today's cross-country, and i cringed immediately the moment i saw him. i only had to pop by the loo to confirm my worst fear: a flushing SCARLET and mussed up hair. oh why oh why am i accursed to have him see me in my worst moments?! sigh-y sigh. i swear, i have tomato genes mingling in my bludde.









































also also the daaaaanger of blogs. *flashing alarm* it perturbs me, with uh links to my blog on other people's blogs, and some of them directly/indirectly knowing dorian gray. the risk cannot be ignored, it could! so haha let me amoose/terrify myself with the possibility: hello there, i lalalalalalala-like you!

tough day in school today. note to self: two consecutive cans of coffee + period-induced emotionality = a high-strung state on the verge of a complete breakdown.

*shudders* never again. but i really did need the coffee, and oh geez it was just over-whelming. a lot of bad things are piling up, and im not sure. oh dear god. i'm trying to see things positively, and i keep telling myself to stop being so indulgent, but i truly am upset. distressed. i guess i'm just not a stoic rock, though i try to be. also, am not looking forward to bumping into my malay teacher tomorrow oh dear god no. it's also been confirmed that i'll be moving class; upset! think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts

well, yeah at least i'm trying.

i'm possibly just imagining things, but there's something fishy going on in class. *troubled* fill me in, somebody.

pe was fun though. ran the outside route, it's cool. run, run downhill, run up the carpark slope, run, go up stairs, run. so much more interesting than running around the bloody track, i can't help but feeling like a brainless hamster when we do that. also, i surprised myself by being able to do the inclined with a considerable amount of less difficulty! wow. cj pe must really been doing me good. coolness at the end of my time there, i shall have the boday of giselle bundchen! okay, so maybe not as tall and uh, not so *cough* well-endowed.

but hey, i do realize that miracles don't happen!



























stupid tag-board.
also, it troubles me that i have so little to say despite everything that's been going on hmm.

my real player has screwed up big time. it started when it suddenly shut down, and only to find out when i rebooted it that HALF OF MY LIBRARY HAD BEEN WIPED OUT.

or so i thought, in a moment of absolute wild panic, and uh, despair. it is TRUE! that would be 400++ songs, and is no joke. i suppose it would be karmic retribution for all my illegal downloading, but really, you can't expect me to buy ALL cds! i would, if they were cheaper. and honestly, i don't find value in purchasing music online; its..intangible in a sense. a good portion of pleasure derived from the cd for me id to paw through the cd booklet and how it looks good. SO. again, i have defended my stance on this illegal downloading of music shit.

after much much meddling, re-installing and re-scanning the hard drive for my music, everything is running smoothly (i hope). except that i uh, have tata young and other pop-punk trash in my database cuz the player scanned in my sister's songs too. but it is all right, she is 12 years old. she will be forgiven for her rather lacking taste in music, as i have tried to forgive myself. *shudders*

i think today's class dinner might just be the thing that will really bond our class together. we all had fun, laughed a lot, took part in the nonsensical chatter that so characterizes the people of our generation (sorry - too much GP). squeeeeeeezed into neoprint booths in awkward positions. i really am quite happy about how we're doing, i think any cracks have been more or less smoothened over.

however, i did learn today that i am of the few in class who do not shop in more upmarket retailers ie. mango and zara, whereas for them it's the norm. to cut it straight to the point, i just can't afford the stuff there. how unfair haha. it shall be all right, i shall maintain my role as Bargain Queen. i suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, i still look good. uhhhh, right?

bugger it. why are they so rich? annoying thing is that of course, i realize the irony that its not as if im poor. so my whining is absolutely unjustified.

i've been reading this awesome book: the picture of dorian gray, by oscar wilde. perhaps, one of the best books i've read in my LIFE (which is not much, i do realize). dorian gray, at the beginning of the book, is a man-boy of absolute purity and beauty - an innocence left unmarked by the harsh realities of life. naive, and petulant in a slightly bratty way but even then, endearing all the same. i cannot be bothered to go much into the plot, because the point i'm trying to make here is that the young dorian gray is the epitome of enthralling/inspiring beauty. an adonis, he's described.

but well. i cringe at the term 'adonis', it just reminds me of trashy romance novels hurhur.

the POINT here is, i had/have christened the object of my head-over-heels infatuation dorian gray. i don't know, but the moment i read oscar wilde's words describing him and his effect on people, it just seemed to fit perfectly. even though mine (oh the irony!) doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. he is dorian gray.

my friend however, warned me against my decision - it wasn't a decision really, it just fits. he is dorian gray. anyhoo! she's read the book and so, knew what was to happen the dorian gray: he would become a twisted warped cruel man. it's painful just thinking about how he got so..horrid. the book is that good.

she is of course, correct. what's uncanny is that the onset of the character's ruination began exactly at the same time as i suppose, became more hopeless of the entire situation. it's quite an interesting case, could the book have actually influenced my swinging moods about this dorian gray? it's all too possible i suppose, and only serves to make it even more darkly funny for me. the almost-euphoria that i used to feel when he was around has been replaced with the heavy feeling that he will never be mine. thinking about him doesn't make me happy and giggly (silly, i know) anymore, it just makes me feel quite morose - which i think is an even SILLIER way to behave. considering that he doesn't even know me.

so stupid.

today, oh today. it was probably the culmination of all resentment i feel towards that CHIJ girl. that biatch, his classmate who's always flirting with him, leaning forward with crossed legs and hitched skirt. biatch. and, though you might not believe me, even before the implication of dorian gray, i had NEVAH liked her - from the moment i saw her! i just bristle whenever i see her, don't ask me why; it's a inner-bitchy Girl Thing. and this morning, i was feeling quite miserable because i had finished reading the book on the bus to school and it is really that moving, i was standing with nadya at my class corridor when she nudged me:

"iz iz! 12 o'clock!"

and me, in my post-literature daze, was: "whaaaa'?"

he was at the quad(rangle) walking to his classroom, and yes that BIATCH was with him again! and staaange, what's he carrying? HER PINAFORE! (she was in pe attire, no idea why) and this fuming cloak of jealousy came over me! it was amazing, i had not felt so..alive for so long. it was so intense, so passionate; it really was quite enthralling and i'm not kidding, it left me with this kind of high. and so i stood there, gripping the railing and spluttering,

bitchthatBITCHbiaaaaaaatchTHATBITCH!.

why can't she carry her own bloody pinafore, it's not as if her hands were occupied! i hate pinafores. *sighs* but i'm not writing this post to bitch about that bitch (okay f-iiiine, partly). i was completely caught by surprise the sheer intensity of my jealousy. such a primal emotion, i would only be slightly exagerrating if i said it quite knocked me off me feet. it was a heady feeling, and ALL i could feel was that jealousy - the other facets of my pysche disappeared. it was a single-minded affair, and there and then, that was all i was. jealousy. an extreme simplification of being, all complexities eradicated. how strange, and enthralling and liberating! ironic though to call it liberating, when that sheer emotion controlled me.

passion is a dangerous thing, i think.

after which i went into class, eyes wide with much distress and cried out to my friends who were in the loop, "i am upset!". what an understatement. they were nice, and very sympathetic. not to worry though, i'm not dangerous; the emotion soon left. was still quite morose though, until pe. (which was fun YAY circuit training!) then on the way back, climbing up the stairs, i saw the sky -and they have really beautiful ones at cjc, i do not know why- and thought of him. oh dear god, i shall live to cringe at this sentimentality. but it's true, and today, i'm feeling brutal enough to expose the nitty-gritty details i usually leave unmentioned.

i really do think he's beautiful, and i AM completely aware that it's only my infatuation that has heightened everything he is to reach almost-perfection. that under a clear mind, i would not think him so almost-perfect. he is though, to me at the least. he is dorian gray.

oh oh procrastinating!

i think i shall be joining debate + editorial, and will just consider drama. thinking about it now, maybe i'm not that into drama anyway. and i think that if all goes well, i shall be staying at cjc. and hazri, i am actually having fun here, kind of. and a major part of that is the fact that i am an Uber-Geek here. i'm the one who religiously reads and makes notes on her lecture uh, notes before the lecture itself. the one when faced with a loong 3 hour break and a satiated stomach heads to the library to browse through the econs tomes or more happily, the king lear.

another thing.

here, the teachers are actually under the impression that i am fairly bright and that i am a Good Student. i Participate, and am Enthusiastic. its honestly a nice change from the last four years in bp where you know, they thought me some lazy aimless kid. cue memory of my first lesson with grace brocolli chong, sending me out of CME class. she said, "you speak english surprisingly well." oh wow, thank you very much for the compliment! i know that heeey, i look like an aimless epitome iof mediocrity, the anti-model student, but guess whaaaat - SURPRISE!

biyatch. yes i hold grudges. you have been forewarned everybody.

and also suzie, a few weeks after she flunked me: "you do have the potential for an A1, you're really quite talented". uh huh.

but i shall move on, somehow. sadly though, i am about to grouse some more about something that happened yesterday. the mldds was holding this meeting after school as a..mixer for all the malay kids at cj since you know, in their words, its a small community and we should know each other. but also, it's because its 'compulsory' to be a member of the mldds in jc - a compensation for them i suppose for the single year of malay lessons. anyway, the problem was that not including the social awkwardity/discomfort, i had the editorial meeting to go to. so i don't think anybody who actually turned up, really wanted to be there; which is normal, BUT. the rest of them were whining and complaining and whining oh gawd it was so irritating, and not to mention, RUDE. especially this IJ girl, shikin. she concocted this uber-lame excuse about how her cat omg, died and cikgu have some sympathy lah, i have to go. at first, i thought she was just kidding around but NO SHE WAS SERIOUS. she actually went on with this stupid ploy, and didn't even have the decency to act properly. it was such an insult to the teacher's intelligence!

and afterwards after the whole (rather sad) shindig was over, they were complaaaaining SO MUCH. about they were "forced to be cooped up" in there etc etc. it really must be a different environment in there at chij, to have no uh, compassion for those who have put in effort to try make it work. so pissed with them.

also, am sad because i dropped my brand-new shiny and cold metal mechanical pencil during the econs lecture and its now spoiled. *sigh*

on a slightly brighter note, i will be taking the 0628 985 bus tomorrow. 'he' will most likely be there, so cute him. i don't know why i always allow myself into these unrequited pining things; so unproductive. but really lah, he's so cute. and he's in my econs lecture. like i've said before, i wishi could say something more about him, but all i know is that maaan, he's cute. beautifulnose lusciouseyelashes hazeleyes greatsmile. i am a failed stalker though, he has caught me watching him quite a number of times, damn! i'm pretty sure he knows me as 'the girl i see on the morning bus nearly every day; maan she freaks me out'. *SIGHS*

and i think i've managed to reduce my image on this blog from decently intelligent to one of a typical slightly swooning, possibly moony, hormonal adolescent girl.

aaaaand, i managed to confirm that i DID pass by taufik at the city hall underpass uh-huh yes the day i bumped into hidayah and met up with charmaine. i /thought/ it was him, but reasoned that he wouldn't take the MRT ESPECIALLY since he was on 'official' business (was with a lady with a make-up bag), AND that if it was him -surely he'd be swamped by swooning die-hard fans.

but it was him. he was very flash though, erlack.





make me happy somebody. buy me a nice new mechanical pencil, and the beautiful cloth-bound hard-back irridiscent lime-green A4 notebook from bookbinders. please?

all right so the bad news is that the Reading & Writing Society has been renamed into the Editorial, which to me just does not have that Uber Geeakazoid ring to it nyiaaargh.

the good news is





hmm.

hmm.

i don't have much to say now, because i just ranted the bit in an e-mail, and will feel silly repeating what i wrote here as well. SO.

life pae-ing in cjc.

bus rides are rather hell-ish these past few days even though we manage to get seats on the 985 because it has been RAINING. and very badly today, which means that my legs felt like frozen popsicles and i know this because when i going up and down the overhead bridge, they felt definitely heftier and more solid than usual.

what else is there for me to say other than the fact that i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally miss our wuzhong lot, and today's mega-bonding session at kallang just brought it harshly home. you know me, delayed reaction.

the class is nice, its teensy though. but being tiny, that means you HAVE to bond with all of them, and i don't think i 'click' very well. sometimes, well actually a lot of times, the conversation lapses into silence and i cannot or be bothered to try resuscitate it. its just so tiring. i'm not used to things like that after two years of smooth sailing.

i suppose i could take this as a challenge. i suppose.

also, i think i need to be smarter. and yes, i have realized that i am relapsing into my 'i want to be brilliant' rant so thankfully for you, i will stop here and direct you to my archives.

on a more positive note, i am resetting my Bar of Expectations. i used to have really high expectations of myself and along the years in secondary school, that bar consistently lowered to accomadate my uh, apparent incompetency. but now that i belong to a junior college with a really nice dri-fit clothed pe shirt, i shall wipe the slate clean! the bar is up, even higher than its original position. i will have STRAIGHT As, i will WIN those funny awards and i WILL get into jcCAP, and i WILL be actively involved in my ccas and get lots and lots of points.

I WILL BE AN OVER-ACHIEVER.

i think i'll be joining drama.debate.reading+writingsociety. except now the latter is called the Editorial, but i've always wanted to write for the school newspaper, and think i would do a fairly decent job considering the complete inexperience. i think my motto from now on shall be what i lack in aptitude, i make up with enthusiasm! cue: big beam.

things will be all right. soon, i shall convince myself that it is so and all will be right with the world since you know that it like, revolves around me.

geez im hungry.

no wonder. what i ate today: a 'honey chicken' pau + one siew mai + half a small guava.

all right, what shall i eat? having popped into the kitchen, i shall lay out my choices here in this blog for all you bored readers while my stomach grumbles with much persistence and increasing pain. i can have:
- the clear chicken soup that my mum made, with bread
- toasted bread with LOTS of butter *yum*
- instant noodles erlack
- egg omelette consisting of eggs+chickenstockgranules+adashofsesemeseedoil

i think i shall have all. oh the greed, the GREED - my insatiable hunger.

maan, i love sounding melodramatic over the most mundane things. and well yes, the reverse for i suppose, the more impactful things in life. i don't know why.

i would blog about the 406 chalet, but really its all this one whole blurrr of consecutive fun-osity, bonding and amoosing weird moments. so, for a rather condensed (and obviously not my perspective of things) visit yu zhen at www.whateverrr.blogspot.com because she is an assiduous blogger! unlike me. do not worry though, knowing me, i will dredge up things that happened in future entries due to my lurf of irrelevence, and lack of things to say.

which is a worrying thing. it is true, i am finding myself with less and less things to say. shit i should have rationed out my Interesting Material to Talk About. at the rate im going, i will be a silent mute by the time i am *gasp* 17! or even worse, i will be a rambling hollow vessel flibbertigibbet. oh dear gawd, shoot me please.

even more more worrying is that i think that the above is linked with my disappearing sense of humour. it has occured to me that i don't seem to make people laugh much anymore, nor do i find a lot of things amoosing. chaaaaarmaine assured me that no it is simply my "sense of humour drying up" -ohahaha actually that is quite a good one-, but nevertheless i do not feel the manic energy that used to urge me to do absolutely funnily senseless things. i am sad. i might be growing up, quickquickfindmeNeverneverLand!

i don't want to be a boring old faaaaaaaaaart.

okay here's the customary post about the aceh earthquakes and resulting tsunamis.

first of all, do not mistake what i am about to write as callousness or insensitivity, because it is most certainly is not. i am reacting exactly the same way as i did towards the iraq beheadings; it is horrid and terrible, and i feel near-distraught about the rising death tolls but that doesn't mean i want my face rubbed in with the videos of endless destruction and other such depressing news.

it's become a warped and sick freakshow the way people are glued to updates of the destruction and horror. of course, we're concerned and worried too, but i think there must be another factor that causes people to have a twisted fascination with the scenes of complete ruination.

i think the victims of the disaster deserve more respect and dignity than being made into a horror video/graphic montage for the fascination of others.

its terrible to see the twisted bodies among the rubble, and worse of all, the faces of the distraught and distressed. i feel guilty because i'm here, safe and unbruised. and that's possibly one of the reasons why i cannot bear to watch. i visited my doctor ex-neighbours today, they were taking turns to fly off to northern malaysia to lend a hand. they say the Red Cross is asking for money donations, and also need lots of fresh water, clothes and blankets. so yeah, keep a look out for donation drives, Mercy Relief included. at least i think its a better way to react than just sitting in front of the tv going oh gawd oh gawd.

sorry if i sound preachy.

all right all right i refoooose to think about not-so-cheery things. i will remain upbeat, even if it means repressing an actual part of me because it is just the plain truth that i consist of a good portion of melancholy. but NO, i will push it down and keep it down with my new chunky brown 'leather' sneakers! i shall overcome any growing pooey-ness with the point of a pointy object, in this case, my mother's rather nice mechanical pencil. that she will never give me, darn!

like the 406 class chalet.

i am occupying my time with marinade recipe ideas, and by the roses of the spring by truth honour and everything (heheh), i swear that it will TASTE good. call out the butter herbs honey and soy sauce! ..and nadya, you are coming over on the 30th to help me clean the chicken.

i was watching tv the other day and was piqued, then horrified when i heard Beck's everybody's gotta learn sometime from the Eternal Sunshine OST in an advertisment filled with painfully melodramatic faux crying, advertizing for the upcoming season of american idol. it was so cheesy so cringey and oh just so bad - its sacrilege! *snarls*

i am bored. i can't wait for school to start. i've already ironed several sets of my school uniform, got my shoes, found my socks, and have already written a list of what to pack into my schoolbag because to actually pack it in now might uh, actually push it too far ahead into Geek-dom. when i was younger, i got reaaally excited about school, and used to pack my bag 2 weeks before school started and oh gosh it was (is) so fun! the fresh new smell of schoolbooks, fresh new stationery neatly organized into the bag in an order that only makes sense to my neurotic inclinations. i would even hang up my entire uniform on a single hanger in the order that i put it on; the the outer-most layer would be the underwear, the blouse, the pinafore, then the belt, and then the socks. it was a whole ritual that i thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed.

of course, now i have no time to indulge in this idiosyncrasy because the last days of the holiday are spent panicking (note panicking, not doing) over holiday homework. but now, yes i can revert back to my usual over-excited over school Inner Geek - hahahahahaha. i am actually genuinely happy.

first week would be only orientation though.

which brings me back to four years back during my secondary 1 orientation. maybe you noticed my slight unenthusiasm for the orientation thingamajig; this was exactly how i felt back then too. i remember the councillors talking to us ickle things during the orientation, briefing us about all the fun games and awesome activities we had in store, and i raised my hand and asked,

when do the lessons start?

and they just stared at me like the huge uber-geek that i was.

huh. and i was still disappointed when the lessons started slooow with all those stupid introductions and all i wanted to do was to start LEARNING. this might turn out to be a rather embarrassing entry, now the whole world shall know that beneath all my apparent laziness, i am an Enthusiatic Student! what ho, engulf me with books of Knowledge, quench my thirst with the fountain of Learning and all the other schooling cliches~

like omg, bring it on!

i am sick of the rather gloom and doom entries i have been posting. there is no reason for them because, well, what's there to be gloomy and doomy about anyway? things are going Good, not perfect but enough.

so, no more.

first thing to be happy about is that my appeal into cjc has gone through. before i yabber on though, i must must must remember to thank nadalala because it was her who dragged me down to cj for the appeal because i did not want to bother then. without her um, dragging, i might have missed out from the very appealing(!) new art programme there - so THANK YOU. also, thanks to charmaine and matthew who accompanied me to the very unexpected interview with the principal.

i'm listening to the spice girls' first album! i still like it! oh i hail thee perfectly engineered music for mass consumption - they just don't do it as well anymore. like c'mon, no one else can compare to the global phenomenon of success-without-much-talent of the spice girls. not even britney can compare, she who had to resort to slut sex appeal (that word again!) and who's kitsch was just not as entertaining as the spice girls' girrrrrrrrrl poweR! i salute them. admit it, they rocked, and still do rock my socks.

and nowadays, they just don't make mass consumption music the way they used to anymore pish-posh! or maybe the reason for my disdain is probably because the new airwave hoggers are those crap pseudo-punk and hip-hop crappers(!).





this is a very short entry. hmm. what else do i have to say filler filler come on think of something remotely interesting to commit on this temporary web space.

all right let's talk about movies.

AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR-OFFICIAL SELECTIONS

the aviator
collateral
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
friday night lights.
THE INCREDIBLES
kinsey
maria full of grace
million dollar baby
sideways
SPIDER-MAN 2

in caps, the ones i have watched and in bold, the only one out of the three that i think ought to win. come on! S2 and the incredibles, you have got to be kidding me. maybe i have not heard the latest news bulletin about hollywood not making enough movies, so they have to pick filler movies to complete the list of 10. spidey2 was no big deal, ALSO, toby maguire looked fugly in the sequel i do not know why.

thinking about it now, i think there are 2 american movies missing from that list; namely, finding nemo and mean girls. okay okay due to my not very dependable memory, finding nemo was not from 2004 but mean girls should be there! verily, it is the definitive adolescent social dissection movie ever. for managing to do that, while keeping it hilarious and chock full of memorable lines and characters, i think it ought to be up there. pooey.

so here's my list of my favourite movies.

1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2. fight club
3. moulin rouge
4. saw
5. mean girls
6. finding nemo
7. devdas
8. girl, interrupted
9. a.i
10. love, actually

omg omg their showing the *nsync celebrity concernt on the disney channel - teenybopper regression! see, before i turned to credible music around late sec 2, i was a shameless boyband/mainstream sugar junkie fan. oh the shaaame the shaaaame! but still, even now, i like their music. like mentioned earlier, i dont like the new junk, but i still hold my old junk very dearly. my spice girls oldbritney backstreet boys nsync wonderful wonderful memories. okay okay im going to go watch now hahahahaha buh-byeeeee

my name is izyanti asaari, and i was a boyband junkie.