tough day in school today. note to self: two consecutive cans of coffee + period-induced emotionality = a high-strung state on the verge of a complete breakdown.
*shudders* never again. but i really did need the coffee, and oh geez it was just over-whelming. a lot of bad things are piling up, and im not sure. oh dear god. i'm trying to see things positively, and i keep telling myself to stop being so indulgent, but i truly am upset. distressed. i guess i'm just not a stoic rock, though i try to be. also, am not looking forward to bumping into my malay teacher tomorrow oh dear god no. it's also been confirmed that i'll be moving class; upset! think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts
well, yeah at least i'm trying.
i'm possibly just imagining things, but there's something fishy going on in class. *troubled* fill me in, somebody.
pe was fun though. ran the outside route, it's cool. run, run downhill, run up the carpark slope, run, go up stairs, run. so much more interesting than running around the bloody track, i can't help but feeling like a brainless hamster when we do that. also, i surprised myself by being able to do the inclined with a considerable amount of less difficulty! wow. cj pe must really been doing me good. coolness at the end of my time there, i shall have the boday of giselle bundchen! okay, so maybe not as tall and uh, not so *cough* well-endowed.
but hey, i do realize that miracles don't happen!
stupid tag-board.
also, it troubles me that i have so little to say despite everything that's been going on hmm.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Friday, January 21, 2005
my real player has screwed up big time. it started when it suddenly shut down, and only to find out when i rebooted it that HALF OF MY LIBRARY HAD BEEN WIPED OUT.
or so i thought, in a moment of absolute wild panic, and uh, despair. it is TRUE! that would be 400++ songs, and is no joke. i suppose it would be karmic retribution for all my illegal downloading, but really, you can't expect me to buy ALL cds! i would, if they were cheaper. and honestly, i don't find value in purchasing music online; its..intangible in a sense. a good portion of pleasure derived from the cd for me id to paw through the cd booklet and how it looks good. SO. again, i have defended my stance on this illegal downloading of music shit.
after much much meddling, re-installing and re-scanning the hard drive for my music, everything is running smoothly (i hope). except that i uh, have tata young and other pop-punk trash in my database cuz the player scanned in my sister's songs too. but it is all right, she is 12 years old. she will be forgiven for her rather lacking taste in music, as i have tried to forgive myself. *shudders*
i think today's class dinner might just be the thing that will really bond our class together. we all had fun, laughed a lot, took part in the nonsensical chatter that so characterizes the people of our generation (sorry - too much GP). squeeeeeeezed into neoprint booths in awkward positions. i really am quite happy about how we're doing, i think any cracks have been more or less smoothened over.
however, i did learn today that i am of the few in class who do not shop in more upmarket retailers ie. mango and zara, whereas for them it's the norm. to cut it straight to the point, i just can't afford the stuff there. how unfair haha. it shall be all right, i shall maintain my role as Bargain Queen. i suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, i still look good. uhhhh, right?
bugger it. why are they so rich? annoying thing is that of course, i realize the irony that its not as if im poor. so my whining is absolutely unjustified.
i've been reading this awesome book: the picture of dorian gray, by oscar wilde. perhaps, one of the best books i've read in my LIFE (which is not much, i do realize). dorian gray, at the beginning of the book, is a man-boy of absolute purity and beauty - an innocence left unmarked by the harsh realities of life. naive, and petulant in a slightly bratty way but even then, endearing all the same. i cannot be bothered to go much into the plot, because the point i'm trying to make here is that the young dorian gray is the epitome of enthralling/inspiring beauty. an adonis, he's described.
but well. i cringe at the term 'adonis', it just reminds me of trashy romance novels hurhur.
the POINT here is, i had/have christened the object of my head-over-heels infatuation dorian gray. i don't know, but the moment i read oscar wilde's words describing him and his effect on people, it just seemed to fit perfectly. even though mine (oh the irony!) doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. he is dorian gray.
my friend however, warned me against my decision - it wasn't a decision really, it just fits. he is dorian gray. anyhoo! she's read the book and so, knew what was to happen the dorian gray: he would become a twisted warped cruel man. it's painful just thinking about how he got so..horrid. the book is that good.
she is of course, correct. what's uncanny is that the onset of the character's ruination began exactly at the same time as i suppose, became more hopeless of the entire situation. it's quite an interesting case, could the book have actually influenced my swinging moods about this dorian gray? it's all too possible i suppose, and only serves to make it even more darkly funny for me. the almost-euphoria that i used to feel when he was around has been replaced with the heavy feeling that he will never be mine. thinking about him doesn't make me happy and giggly (silly, i know) anymore, it just makes me feel quite morose - which i think is an even SILLIER way to behave. considering that he doesn't even know me.
so stupid.
today, oh today. it was probably the culmination of all resentment i feel towards that CHIJ girl. that biatch, his classmate who's always flirting with him, leaning forward with crossed legs and hitched skirt. biatch. and, though you might not believe me, even before the implication of dorian gray, i had NEVAH liked her - from the moment i saw her! i just bristle whenever i see her, don't ask me why; it's a inner-bitchy Girl Thing. and this morning, i was feeling quite miserable because i had finished reading the book on the bus to school and it is really that moving, i was standing with nadya at my class corridor when she nudged me:
"iz iz! 12 o'clock!"
and me, in my post-literature daze, was: "whaaaa'?"
he was at the quad(rangle) walking to his classroom, and yes that BIATCH was with him again! and staaange, what's he carrying? HER PINAFORE! (she was in pe attire, no idea why) and this fuming cloak of jealousy came over me! it was amazing, i had not felt so..alive for so long. it was so intense, so passionate; it really was quite enthralling and i'm not kidding, it left me with this kind of high. and so i stood there, gripping the railing and spluttering,
bitchthatBITCHbiaaaaaaatchTHATBITCH!.
why can't she carry her own bloody pinafore, it's not as if her hands were occupied! i hate pinafores. *sighs* but i'm not writing this post to bitch about that bitch (okay f-iiiine, partly). i was completely caught by surprise the sheer intensity of my jealousy. such a primal emotion, i would only be slightly exagerrating if i said it quite knocked me off me feet. it was a heady feeling, and ALL i could feel was that jealousy - the other facets of my pysche disappeared. it was a single-minded affair, and there and then, that was all i was. jealousy. an extreme simplification of being, all complexities eradicated. how strange, and enthralling and liberating! ironic though to call it liberating, when that sheer emotion controlled me.
passion is a dangerous thing, i think.
after which i went into class, eyes wide with much distress and cried out to my friends who were in the loop, "i am upset!". what an understatement. they were nice, and very sympathetic. not to worry though, i'm not dangerous; the emotion soon left. was still quite morose though, until pe. (which was fun YAY circuit training!) then on the way back, climbing up the stairs, i saw the sky -and they have really beautiful ones at cjc, i do not know why- and thought of him. oh dear god, i shall live to cringe at this sentimentality. but it's true, and today, i'm feeling brutal enough to expose the nitty-gritty details i usually leave unmentioned.
i really do think he's beautiful, and i AM completely aware that it's only my infatuation that has heightened everything he is to reach almost-perfection. that under a clear mind, i would not think him so almost-perfect. he is though, to me at the least. he is dorian gray.
or so i thought, in a moment of absolute wild panic, and uh, despair. it is TRUE! that would be 400++ songs, and is no joke. i suppose it would be karmic retribution for all my illegal downloading, but really, you can't expect me to buy ALL cds! i would, if they were cheaper. and honestly, i don't find value in purchasing music online; its..intangible in a sense. a good portion of pleasure derived from the cd for me id to paw through the cd booklet and how it looks good. SO. again, i have defended my stance on this illegal downloading of music shit.
after much much meddling, re-installing and re-scanning the hard drive for my music, everything is running smoothly (i hope). except that i uh, have tata young and other pop-punk trash in my database cuz the player scanned in my sister's songs too. but it is all right, she is 12 years old. she will be forgiven for her rather lacking taste in music, as i have tried to forgive myself. *shudders*
i think today's class dinner might just be the thing that will really bond our class together. we all had fun, laughed a lot, took part in the nonsensical chatter that so characterizes the people of our generation (sorry - too much GP). squeeeeeeezed into neoprint booths in awkward positions. i really am quite happy about how we're doing, i think any cracks have been more or less smoothened over.
however, i did learn today that i am of the few in class who do not shop in more upmarket retailers ie. mango and zara, whereas for them it's the norm. to cut it straight to the point, i just can't afford the stuff there. how unfair haha. it shall be all right, i shall maintain my role as Bargain Queen. i suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, i still look good. uhhhh, right?
bugger it. why are they so rich? annoying thing is that of course, i realize the irony that its not as if im poor. so my whining is absolutely unjustified.
i've been reading this awesome book: the picture of dorian gray, by oscar wilde. perhaps, one of the best books i've read in my LIFE (which is not much, i do realize). dorian gray, at the beginning of the book, is a man-boy of absolute purity and beauty - an innocence left unmarked by the harsh realities of life. naive, and petulant in a slightly bratty way but even then, endearing all the same. i cannot be bothered to go much into the plot, because the point i'm trying to make here is that the young dorian gray is the epitome of enthralling/inspiring beauty. an adonis, he's described.
but well. i cringe at the term 'adonis', it just reminds me of trashy romance novels hurhur.
the POINT here is, i had/have christened the object of my head-over-heels infatuation dorian gray. i don't know, but the moment i read oscar wilde's words describing him and his effect on people, it just seemed to fit perfectly. even though mine (oh the irony!) doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. he is dorian gray.
my friend however, warned me against my decision - it wasn't a decision really, it just fits. he is dorian gray. anyhoo! she's read the book and so, knew what was to happen the dorian gray: he would become a twisted warped cruel man. it's painful just thinking about how he got so..horrid. the book is that good.
she is of course, correct. what's uncanny is that the onset of the character's ruination began exactly at the same time as i suppose, became more hopeless of the entire situation. it's quite an interesting case, could the book have actually influenced my swinging moods about this dorian gray? it's all too possible i suppose, and only serves to make it even more darkly funny for me. the almost-euphoria that i used to feel when he was around has been replaced with the heavy feeling that he will never be mine. thinking about him doesn't make me happy and giggly (silly, i know) anymore, it just makes me feel quite morose - which i think is an even SILLIER way to behave. considering that he doesn't even know me.
so stupid.
today, oh today. it was probably the culmination of all resentment i feel towards that CHIJ girl. that biatch, his classmate who's always flirting with him, leaning forward with crossed legs and hitched skirt. biatch. and, though you might not believe me, even before the implication of dorian gray, i had NEVAH liked her - from the moment i saw her! i just bristle whenever i see her, don't ask me why; it's a inner-bitchy Girl Thing. and this morning, i was feeling quite miserable because i had finished reading the book on the bus to school and it is really that moving, i was standing with nadya at my class corridor when she nudged me:
"iz iz! 12 o'clock!"
and me, in my post-literature daze, was: "whaaaa'?"
he was at the quad(rangle) walking to his classroom, and yes that BIATCH was with him again! and staaange, what's he carrying? HER PINAFORE! (she was in pe attire, no idea why) and this fuming cloak of jealousy came over me! it was amazing, i had not felt so..alive for so long. it was so intense, so passionate; it really was quite enthralling and i'm not kidding, it left me with this kind of high. and so i stood there, gripping the railing and spluttering,
bitchthatBITCHbiaaaaaaatchTHATBITCH!.
why can't she carry her own bloody pinafore, it's not as if her hands were occupied! i hate pinafores. *sighs* but i'm not writing this post to bitch about that bitch (okay f-iiiine, partly). i was completely caught by surprise the sheer intensity of my jealousy. such a primal emotion, i would only be slightly exagerrating if i said it quite knocked me off me feet. it was a heady feeling, and ALL i could feel was that jealousy - the other facets of my pysche disappeared. it was a single-minded affair, and there and then, that was all i was. jealousy. an extreme simplification of being, all complexities eradicated. how strange, and enthralling and liberating! ironic though to call it liberating, when that sheer emotion controlled me.
passion is a dangerous thing, i think.
after which i went into class, eyes wide with much distress and cried out to my friends who were in the loop, "i am upset!". what an understatement. they were nice, and very sympathetic. not to worry though, i'm not dangerous; the emotion soon left. was still quite morose though, until pe. (which was fun YAY circuit training!) then on the way back, climbing up the stairs, i saw the sky -and they have really beautiful ones at cjc, i do not know why- and thought of him. oh dear god, i shall live to cringe at this sentimentality. but it's true, and today, i'm feeling brutal enough to expose the nitty-gritty details i usually leave unmentioned.
i really do think he's beautiful, and i AM completely aware that it's only my infatuation that has heightened everything he is to reach almost-perfection. that under a clear mind, i would not think him so almost-perfect. he is though, to me at the least. he is dorian gray.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
oh oh procrastinating!
i think i shall be joining debate + editorial, and will just consider drama. thinking about it now, maybe i'm not that into drama anyway. and i think that if all goes well, i shall be staying at cjc. and hazri, i am actually having fun here, kind of. and a major part of that is the fact that i am an Uber-Geek here. i'm the one who religiously reads and makes notes on her lecture uh, notes before the lecture itself. the one when faced with a loong 3 hour break and a satiated stomach heads to the library to browse through the econs tomes or more happily, the king lear.
another thing.
here, the teachers are actually under the impression that i am fairly bright and that i am a Good Student. i Participate, and am Enthusiastic. its honestly a nice change from the last four years in bp where you know, they thought me some lazy aimless kid. cue memory of my first lesson with grace brocolli chong, sending me out of CME class. she said, "you speak english surprisingly well." oh wow, thank you very much for the compliment! i know that heeey, i look like an aimless epitome iof mediocrity, the anti-model student, but guess whaaaat - SURPRISE!
biyatch. yes i hold grudges. you have been forewarned everybody.
and also suzie, a few weeks after she flunked me: "you do have the potential for an A1, you're really quite talented". uh huh.
but i shall move on, somehow. sadly though, i am about to grouse some more about something that happened yesterday. the mldds was holding this meeting after school as a..mixer for all the malay kids at cj since you know, in their words, its a small community and we should know each other. but also, it's because its 'compulsory' to be a member of the mldds in jc - a compensation for them i suppose for the single year of malay lessons. anyway, the problem was that not including the social awkwardity/discomfort, i had the editorial meeting to go to. so i don't think anybody who actually turned up, really wanted to be there; which is normal, BUT. the rest of them were whining and complaining and whining oh gawd it was so irritating, and not to mention, RUDE. especially this IJ girl, shikin. she concocted this uber-lame excuse about how her cat omg, died and cikgu have some sympathy lah, i have to go. at first, i thought she was just kidding around but NO SHE WAS SERIOUS. she actually went on with this stupid ploy, and didn't even have the decency to act properly. it was such an insult to the teacher's intelligence!
and afterwards after the whole (rather sad) shindig was over, they were complaaaaining SO MUCH. about they were "forced to be cooped up" in there etc etc. it really must be a different environment in there at chij, to have no uh, compassion for those who have put in effort to try make it work. so pissed with them.
also, am sad because i dropped my brand-new shiny and cold metal mechanical pencil during the econs lecture and its now spoiled. *sigh*
on a slightly brighter note, i will be taking the 0628 985 bus tomorrow. 'he' will most likely be there, so cute him. i don't know why i always allow myself into these unrequited pining things; so unproductive. but really lah, he's so cute. and he's in my econs lecture. like i've said before, i wishi could say something more about him, but all i know is that maaan, he's cute. beautifulnose lusciouseyelashes hazeleyes greatsmile. i am a failed stalker though, he has caught me watching him quite a number of times, damn! i'm pretty sure he knows me as 'the girl i see on the morning bus nearly every day; maan she freaks me out'. *SIGHS*
and i think i've managed to reduce my image on this blog from decently intelligent to one of a typical slightly swooning, possibly moony, hormonal adolescent girl.
aaaaand, i managed to confirm that i DID pass by taufik at the city hall underpass uh-huh yes the day i bumped into hidayah and met up with charmaine. i /thought/ it was him, but reasoned that he wouldn't take the MRT ESPECIALLY since he was on 'official' business (was with a lady with a make-up bag), AND that if it was him -surely he'd be swamped by swooning die-hard fans.
but it was him. he was very flash though, erlack.
make me happy somebody. buy me a nice new mechanical pencil, and the beautiful cloth-bound hard-back irridiscent lime-green A4 notebook from bookbinders. please?
i think i shall be joining debate + editorial, and will just consider drama. thinking about it now, maybe i'm not that into drama anyway. and i think that if all goes well, i shall be staying at cjc. and hazri, i am actually having fun here, kind of. and a major part of that is the fact that i am an Uber-Geek here. i'm the one who religiously reads and makes notes on her lecture uh, notes before the lecture itself. the one when faced with a loong 3 hour break and a satiated stomach heads to the library to browse through the econs tomes or more happily, the king lear.
another thing.
here, the teachers are actually under the impression that i am fairly bright and that i am a Good Student. i Participate, and am Enthusiastic. its honestly a nice change from the last four years in bp where you know, they thought me some lazy aimless kid. cue memory of my first lesson with grace brocolli chong, sending me out of CME class. she said, "you speak english surprisingly well." oh wow, thank you very much for the compliment! i know that heeey, i look like an aimless epitome iof mediocrity, the anti-model student, but guess whaaaat - SURPRISE!
biyatch. yes i hold grudges. you have been forewarned everybody.
and also suzie, a few weeks after she flunked me: "you do have the potential for an A1, you're really quite talented". uh huh.
but i shall move on, somehow. sadly though, i am about to grouse some more about something that happened yesterday. the mldds was holding this meeting after school as a..mixer for all the malay kids at cj since you know, in their words, its a small community and we should know each other. but also, it's because its 'compulsory' to be a member of the mldds in jc - a compensation for them i suppose for the single year of malay lessons. anyway, the problem was that not including the social awkwardity/discomfort, i had the editorial meeting to go to. so i don't think anybody who actually turned up, really wanted to be there; which is normal, BUT. the rest of them were whining and complaining and whining oh gawd it was so irritating, and not to mention, RUDE. especially this IJ girl, shikin. she concocted this uber-lame excuse about how her cat omg, died and cikgu have some sympathy lah, i have to go. at first, i thought she was just kidding around but NO SHE WAS SERIOUS. she actually went on with this stupid ploy, and didn't even have the decency to act properly. it was such an insult to the teacher's intelligence!
and afterwards after the whole (rather sad) shindig was over, they were complaaaaining SO MUCH. about they were "forced to be cooped up" in there etc etc. it really must be a different environment in there at chij, to have no uh, compassion for those who have put in effort to try make it work. so pissed with them.
also, am sad because i dropped my brand-new shiny and cold metal mechanical pencil during the econs lecture and its now spoiled. *sigh*
on a slightly brighter note, i will be taking the 0628 985 bus tomorrow. 'he' will most likely be there, so cute him. i don't know why i always allow myself into these unrequited pining things; so unproductive. but really lah, he's so cute. and he's in my econs lecture. like i've said before, i wishi could say something more about him, but all i know is that maaan, he's cute. beautifulnose lusciouseyelashes hazeleyes greatsmile. i am a failed stalker though, he has caught me watching him quite a number of times, damn! i'm pretty sure he knows me as 'the girl i see on the morning bus nearly every day; maan she freaks me out'. *SIGHS*
and i think i've managed to reduce my image on this blog from decently intelligent to one of a typical slightly swooning, possibly moony, hormonal adolescent girl.
aaaaand, i managed to confirm that i DID pass by taufik at the city hall underpass uh-huh yes the day i bumped into hidayah and met up with charmaine. i /thought/ it was him, but reasoned that he wouldn't take the MRT ESPECIALLY since he was on 'official' business (was with a lady with a make-up bag), AND that if it was him -surely he'd be swamped by swooning die-hard fans.
but it was him. he was very flash though, erlack.
make me happy somebody. buy me a nice new mechanical pencil, and the beautiful cloth-bound hard-back irridiscent lime-green A4 notebook from bookbinders. please?
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
hmm.
i don't have much to say now, because i just ranted the bit in an e-mail, and will feel silly repeating what i wrote here as well. SO.
life pae-ing in cjc.
bus rides are rather hell-ish these past few days even though we manage to get seats on the 985 because it has been RAINING. and very badly today, which means that my legs felt like frozen popsicles and i know this because when i going up and down the overhead bridge, they felt definitely heftier and more solid than usual.
what else is there for me to say other than the fact that i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally miss our wuzhong lot, and today's mega-bonding session at kallang just brought it harshly home. you know me, delayed reaction.
the class is nice, its teensy though. but being tiny, that means you HAVE to bond with all of them, and i don't think i 'click' very well. sometimes, well actually a lot of times, the conversation lapses into silence and i cannot or be bothered to try resuscitate it. its just so tiring. i'm not used to things like that after two years of smooth sailing.
i suppose i could take this as a challenge. i suppose.
also, i think i need to be smarter. and yes, i have realized that i am relapsing into my 'i want to be brilliant' rant so thankfully for you, i will stop here and direct you to my archives.
on a more positive note, i am resetting my Bar of Expectations. i used to have really high expectations of myself and along the years in secondary school, that bar consistently lowered to accomadate my uh, apparent incompetency. but now that i belong to a junior college with a really nice dri-fit clothed pe shirt, i shall wipe the slate clean! the bar is up, even higher than its original position. i will have STRAIGHT As, i will WIN those funny awards and i WILL get into jcCAP, and i WILL be actively involved in my ccas and get lots and lots of points.
I WILL BE AN OVER-ACHIEVER.
i think i'll be joining drama.debate.reading+writingsociety. except now the latter is called the Editorial, but i've always wanted to write for the school newspaper, and think i would do a fairly decent job considering the complete inexperience. i think my motto from now on shall be what i lack in aptitude, i make up with enthusiasm! cue: big beam.
things will be all right. soon, i shall convince myself that it is so and all will be right with the world since you know that it like, revolves around me.
i don't have much to say now, because i just ranted the bit in an e-mail, and will feel silly repeating what i wrote here as well. SO.
life pae-ing in cjc.
bus rides are rather hell-ish these past few days even though we manage to get seats on the 985 because it has been RAINING. and very badly today, which means that my legs felt like frozen popsicles and i know this because when i going up and down the overhead bridge, they felt definitely heftier and more solid than usual.
what else is there for me to say other than the fact that i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally miss our wuzhong lot, and today's mega-bonding session at kallang just brought it harshly home. you know me, delayed reaction.
the class is nice, its teensy though. but being tiny, that means you HAVE to bond with all of them, and i don't think i 'click' very well. sometimes, well actually a lot of times, the conversation lapses into silence and i cannot or be bothered to try resuscitate it. its just so tiring. i'm not used to things like that after two years of smooth sailing.
i suppose i could take this as a challenge. i suppose.
also, i think i need to be smarter. and yes, i have realized that i am relapsing into my 'i want to be brilliant' rant so thankfully for you, i will stop here and direct you to my archives.
on a more positive note, i am resetting my Bar of Expectations. i used to have really high expectations of myself and along the years in secondary school, that bar consistently lowered to accomadate my uh, apparent incompetency. but now that i belong to a junior college with a really nice dri-fit clothed pe shirt, i shall wipe the slate clean! the bar is up, even higher than its original position. i will have STRAIGHT As, i will WIN those funny awards and i WILL get into jcCAP, and i WILL be actively involved in my ccas and get lots and lots of points.
I WILL BE AN OVER-ACHIEVER.
i think i'll be joining drama.debate.reading+writingsociety. except now the latter is called the Editorial, but i've always wanted to write for the school newspaper, and think i would do a fairly decent job considering the complete inexperience. i think my motto from now on shall be what i lack in aptitude, i make up with enthusiasm! cue: big beam.
things will be all right. soon, i shall convince myself that it is so and all will be right with the world since you know that it like, revolves around me.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
geez im hungry.
no wonder. what i ate today: a 'honey chicken' pau + one siew mai + half a small guava.
all right, what shall i eat? having popped into the kitchen, i shall lay out my choices here in this blog for all you bored readers while my stomach grumbles with much persistence and increasing pain. i can have:
- the clear chicken soup that my mum made, with bread
- toasted bread with LOTS of butter *yum*
- instant noodles erlack
- egg omelette consisting of eggs+chickenstockgranules+adashofsesemeseedoil
i think i shall have all. oh the greed, the GREED - my insatiable hunger.
maan, i love sounding melodramatic over the most mundane things. and well yes, the reverse for i suppose, the more impactful things in life. i don't know why.
i would blog about the 406 chalet, but really its all this one whole blurrr of consecutive fun-osity, bonding and amoosing weird moments. so, for a rather condensed (and obviously not my perspective of things) visit yu zhen at www.whateverrr.blogspot.com because she is an assiduous blogger! unlike me. do not worry though, knowing me, i will dredge up things that happened in future entries due to my lurf of irrelevence, and lack of things to say.
which is a worrying thing. it is true, i am finding myself with less and less things to say. shit i should have rationed out my Interesting Material to Talk About. at the rate im going, i will be a silent mute by the time i am *gasp* 17! or even worse, i will be a rambling hollow vessel flibbertigibbet. oh dear gawd, shoot me please.
even more more worrying is that i think that the above is linked with my disappearing sense of humour. it has occured to me that i don't seem to make people laugh much anymore, nor do i find a lot of things amoosing. chaaaaarmaine assured me that no it is simply my "sense of humour drying up" -ohahaha actually that is quite a good one-, but nevertheless i do not feel the manic energy that used to urge me to do absolutely funnily senseless things. i am sad. i might be growing up, quickquickfindmeNeverneverLand!
i don't want to be a boring old faaaaaaaaaart.
no wonder. what i ate today: a 'honey chicken' pau + one siew mai + half a small guava.
all right, what shall i eat? having popped into the kitchen, i shall lay out my choices here in this blog for all you bored readers while my stomach grumbles with much persistence and increasing pain. i can have:
- the clear chicken soup that my mum made, with bread
- toasted bread with LOTS of butter *yum*
- instant noodles erlack
- egg omelette consisting of eggs+chickenstockgranules+adashofsesemeseedoil
i think i shall have all. oh the greed, the GREED - my insatiable hunger.
maan, i love sounding melodramatic over the most mundane things. and well yes, the reverse for i suppose, the more impactful things in life. i don't know why.
i would blog about the 406 chalet, but really its all this one whole blurrr of consecutive fun-osity, bonding and amoosing weird moments. so, for a rather condensed (and obviously not my perspective of things) visit yu zhen at www.whateverrr.blogspot.com because she is an assiduous blogger! unlike me. do not worry though, knowing me, i will dredge up things that happened in future entries due to my lurf of irrelevence, and lack of things to say.
which is a worrying thing. it is true, i am finding myself with less and less things to say. shit i should have rationed out my Interesting Material to Talk About. at the rate im going, i will be a silent mute by the time i am *gasp* 17! or even worse, i will be a rambling hollow vessel flibbertigibbet. oh dear gawd, shoot me please.
even more more worrying is that i think that the above is linked with my disappearing sense of humour. it has occured to me that i don't seem to make people laugh much anymore, nor do i find a lot of things amoosing. chaaaaarmaine assured me that no it is simply my "sense of humour drying up" -ohahaha actually that is quite a good one-, but nevertheless i do not feel the manic energy that used to urge me to do absolutely funnily senseless things. i am sad. i might be growing up, quickquickfindmeNeverneverLand!
i don't want to be a boring old faaaaaaaaaart.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
okay here's the customary post about the aceh earthquakes and resulting tsunamis.
first of all, do not mistake what i am about to write as callousness or insensitivity, because it is most certainly is not. i am reacting exactly the same way as i did towards the iraq beheadings; it is horrid and terrible, and i feel near-distraught about the rising death tolls but that doesn't mean i want my face rubbed in with the videos of endless destruction and other such depressing news.
it's become a warped and sick freakshow the way people are glued to updates of the destruction and horror. of course, we're concerned and worried too, but i think there must be another factor that causes people to have a twisted fascination with the scenes of complete ruination.
i think the victims of the disaster deserve more respect and dignity than being made into a horror video/graphic montage for the fascination of others.
its terrible to see the twisted bodies among the rubble, and worse of all, the faces of the distraught and distressed. i feel guilty because i'm here, safe and unbruised. and that's possibly one of the reasons why i cannot bear to watch. i visited my doctor ex-neighbours today, they were taking turns to fly off to northern malaysia to lend a hand. they say the Red Cross is asking for money donations, and also need lots of fresh water, clothes and blankets. so yeah, keep a look out for donation drives, Mercy Relief included. at least i think its a better way to react than just sitting in front of the tv going oh gawd oh gawd.
sorry if i sound preachy.
first of all, do not mistake what i am about to write as callousness or insensitivity, because it is most certainly is not. i am reacting exactly the same way as i did towards the iraq beheadings; it is horrid and terrible, and i feel near-distraught about the rising death tolls but that doesn't mean i want my face rubbed in with the videos of endless destruction and other such depressing news.
it's become a warped and sick freakshow the way people are glued to updates of the destruction and horror. of course, we're concerned and worried too, but i think there must be another factor that causes people to have a twisted fascination with the scenes of complete ruination.
i think the victims of the disaster deserve more respect and dignity than being made into a horror video/graphic montage for the fascination of others.
its terrible to see the twisted bodies among the rubble, and worse of all, the faces of the distraught and distressed. i feel guilty because i'm here, safe and unbruised. and that's possibly one of the reasons why i cannot bear to watch. i visited my doctor ex-neighbours today, they were taking turns to fly off to northern malaysia to lend a hand. they say the Red Cross is asking for money donations, and also need lots of fresh water, clothes and blankets. so yeah, keep a look out for donation drives, Mercy Relief included. at least i think its a better way to react than just sitting in front of the tv going oh gawd oh gawd.
sorry if i sound preachy.
Monday, December 27, 2004
all right all right i refoooose to think about not-so-cheery things. i will remain upbeat, even if it means repressing an actual part of me because it is just the plain truth that i consist of a good portion of melancholy. but NO, i will push it down and keep it down with my new chunky brown 'leather' sneakers! i shall overcome any growing pooey-ness with the point of a pointy object, in this case, my mother's rather nice mechanical pencil. that she will never give me, darn!
like the 406 class chalet.
i am occupying my time with marinade recipe ideas, and by the roses of the spring by truth honour and everything (heheh), i swear that it will TASTE good. call out the butter herbs honey and soy sauce! ..and nadya, you are coming over on the 30th to help me clean the chicken.
i was watching tv the other day and was piqued, then horrified when i heard Beck's everybody's gotta learn sometime from the Eternal Sunshine OST in an advertisment filled with painfully melodramatic faux crying, advertizing for the upcoming season of american idol. it was so cheesy so cringey and oh just so bad - its sacrilege! *snarls*
i am bored. i can't wait for school to start. i've already ironed several sets of my school uniform, got my shoes, found my socks, and have already written a list of what to pack into my schoolbag because to actually pack it in now might uh, actually push it too far ahead into Geek-dom. when i was younger, i got reaaally excited about school, and used to pack my bag 2 weeks before school started and oh gosh it was (is) so fun! the fresh new smell of schoolbooks, fresh new stationery neatly organized into the bag in an order that only makes sense to my neurotic inclinations. i would even hang up my entire uniform on a single hanger in the order that i put it on; the the outer-most layer would be the underwear, the blouse, the pinafore, then the belt, and then the socks. it was a whole ritual that i thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed.
of course, now i have no time to indulge in this idiosyncrasy because the last days of the holiday are spent panicking (note panicking, not doing) over holiday homework. but now, yes i can revert back to my usual over-excited over school Inner Geek - hahahahahaha. i am actually genuinely happy.
first week would be only orientation though.
which brings me back to four years back during my secondary 1 orientation. maybe you noticed my slight unenthusiasm for the orientation thingamajig; this was exactly how i felt back then too. i remember the councillors talking to us ickle things during the orientation, briefing us about all the fun games and awesome activities we had in store, and i raised my hand and asked,
when do the lessons start?
and they just stared at me like the huge uber-geek that i was.
huh. and i was still disappointed when the lessons started slooow with all those stupid introductions and all i wanted to do was to start LEARNING. this might turn out to be a rather embarrassing entry, now the whole world shall know that beneath all my apparent laziness, i am an Enthusiatic Student! what ho, engulf me with books of Knowledge, quench my thirst with the fountain of Learning and all the other schooling cliches~
like omg, bring it on!
like the 406 class chalet.
i am occupying my time with marinade recipe ideas, and by the roses of the spring by truth honour and everything (heheh), i swear that it will TASTE good. call out the butter herbs honey and soy sauce! ..and nadya, you are coming over on the 30th to help me clean the chicken.
i was watching tv the other day and was piqued, then horrified when i heard Beck's everybody's gotta learn sometime from the Eternal Sunshine OST in an advertisment filled with painfully melodramatic faux crying, advertizing for the upcoming season of american idol. it was so cheesy so cringey and oh just so bad - its sacrilege! *snarls*
i am bored. i can't wait for school to start. i've already ironed several sets of my school uniform, got my shoes, found my socks, and have already written a list of what to pack into my schoolbag because to actually pack it in now might uh, actually push it too far ahead into Geek-dom. when i was younger, i got reaaally excited about school, and used to pack my bag 2 weeks before school started and oh gosh it was (is) so fun! the fresh new smell of schoolbooks, fresh new stationery neatly organized into the bag in an order that only makes sense to my neurotic inclinations. i would even hang up my entire uniform on a single hanger in the order that i put it on; the the outer-most layer would be the underwear, the blouse, the pinafore, then the belt, and then the socks. it was a whole ritual that i thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed.
of course, now i have no time to indulge in this idiosyncrasy because the last days of the holiday are spent panicking (note panicking, not doing) over holiday homework. but now, yes i can revert back to my usual over-excited over school Inner Geek - hahahahahaha. i am actually genuinely happy.
first week would be only orientation though.
which brings me back to four years back during my secondary 1 orientation. maybe you noticed my slight unenthusiasm for the orientation thingamajig; this was exactly how i felt back then too. i remember the councillors talking to us ickle things during the orientation, briefing us about all the fun games and awesome activities we had in store, and i raised my hand and asked,
when do the lessons start?
and they just stared at me like the huge uber-geek that i was.
huh. and i was still disappointed when the lessons started slooow with all those stupid introductions and all i wanted to do was to start LEARNING. this might turn out to be a rather embarrassing entry, now the whole world shall know that beneath all my apparent laziness, i am an Enthusiatic Student! what ho, engulf me with books of Knowledge, quench my thirst with the fountain of Learning and all the other schooling cliches~
like omg, bring it on!
Friday, December 24, 2004
i am sick of the rather gloom and doom entries i have been posting. there is no reason for them because, well, what's there to be gloomy and doomy about anyway? things are going Good, not perfect but enough.
so, no more.
first thing to be happy about is that my appeal into cjc has gone through. before i yabber on though, i must must must remember to thank nadalala because it was her who dragged me down to cj for the appeal because i did not want to bother then. without her um, dragging, i might have missed out from the very appealing(!) new art programme there - so THANK YOU. also, thanks to charmaine and matthew who accompanied me to the very unexpected interview with the principal.
i'm listening to the spice girls' first album! i still like it! oh i hail thee perfectly engineered music for mass consumption - they just don't do it as well anymore. like c'mon, no one else can compare to the global phenomenon of success-without-much-talent of the spice girls. not even britney can compare, she who had to resort to slut sex appeal (that word again!) and who's kitsch was just not as entertaining as the spice girls' girrrrrrrrrl poweR! i salute them. admit it, they rocked, and still do rock my socks.
and nowadays, they just don't make mass consumption music the way they used to anymore pish-posh! or maybe the reason for my disdain is probably because the new airwave hoggers are those crap pseudo-punk and hip-hop crappers(!).
this is a very short entry. hmm. what else do i have to say filler filler come on think of something remotely interesting to commit on this temporary web space.
all right let's talk about movies.
AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR-OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
the aviator
collateral
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
friday night lights.
THE INCREDIBLES
kinsey
maria full of grace
million dollar baby
sideways
SPIDER-MAN 2
in caps, the ones i have watched and in bold, the only one out of the three that i think ought to win. come on! S2 and the incredibles, you have got to be kidding me. maybe i have not heard the latest news bulletin about hollywood not making enough movies, so they have to pick filler movies to complete the list of 10. spidey2 was no big deal, ALSO, toby maguire looked fugly in the sequel i do not know why.
thinking about it now, i think there are 2 american movies missing from that list; namely, finding nemo and mean girls. okay okay due to my not very dependable memory, finding nemo was not from 2004 but mean girls should be there! verily, it is the definitive adolescent social dissection movie ever. for managing to do that, while keeping it hilarious and chock full of memorable lines and characters, i think it ought to be up there. pooey.
so here's my list of my favourite movies.
1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2. fight club
3. moulin rouge
4. saw
5. mean girls
6. finding nemo
7. devdas
8. girl, interrupted
9. a.i
10. love, actually
omg omg their showing the *nsync celebrity concernt on the disney channel - teenybopper regression! see, before i turned to credible music around late sec 2, i was a shameless boyband/mainstream sugar junkie fan. oh the shaaame the shaaaame! but still, even now, i like their music. like mentioned earlier, i dont like the new junk, but i still hold my old junk very dearly. my spice girls oldbritney backstreet boys nsync wonderful wonderful memories. okay okay im going to go watch now hahahahaha buh-byeeeee
my name is izyanti asaari, and i was a boyband junkie.
so, no more.
first thing to be happy about is that my appeal into cjc has gone through. before i yabber on though, i must must must remember to thank nadalala because it was her who dragged me down to cj for the appeal because i did not want to bother then. without her um, dragging, i might have missed out from the very appealing(!) new art programme there - so THANK YOU. also, thanks to charmaine and matthew who accompanied me to the very unexpected interview with the principal.
i'm listening to the spice girls' first album! i still like it! oh i hail thee perfectly engineered music for mass consumption - they just don't do it as well anymore. like c'mon, no one else can compare to the global phenomenon of success-without-much-talent of the spice girls. not even britney can compare, she who had to resort to slut sex appeal (that word again!) and who's kitsch was just not as entertaining as the spice girls' girrrrrrrrrl poweR! i salute them. admit it, they rocked, and still do rock my socks.
and nowadays, they just don't make mass consumption music the way they used to anymore pish-posh! or maybe the reason for my disdain is probably because the new airwave hoggers are those crap pseudo-punk and hip-hop crappers(!).
this is a very short entry. hmm. what else do i have to say filler filler come on think of something remotely interesting to commit on this temporary web space.
all right let's talk about movies.
AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR-OFFICIAL SELECTIONS
the aviator
collateral
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
friday night lights.
THE INCREDIBLES
kinsey
maria full of grace
million dollar baby
sideways
SPIDER-MAN 2
in caps, the ones i have watched and in bold, the only one out of the three that i think ought to win. come on! S2 and the incredibles, you have got to be kidding me. maybe i have not heard the latest news bulletin about hollywood not making enough movies, so they have to pick filler movies to complete the list of 10. spidey2 was no big deal, ALSO, toby maguire looked fugly in the sequel i do not know why.
thinking about it now, i think there are 2 american movies missing from that list; namely, finding nemo and mean girls. okay okay due to my not very dependable memory, finding nemo was not from 2004 but mean girls should be there! verily, it is the definitive adolescent social dissection movie ever. for managing to do that, while keeping it hilarious and chock full of memorable lines and characters, i think it ought to be up there. pooey.
so here's my list of my favourite movies.
1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2. fight club
3. moulin rouge
4. saw
5. mean girls
6. finding nemo
7. devdas
8. girl, interrupted
9. a.i
10. love, actually
omg omg their showing the *nsync celebrity concernt on the disney channel - teenybopper regression! see, before i turned to credible music around late sec 2, i was a shameless boyband/mainstream sugar junkie fan. oh the shaaame the shaaaame! but still, even now, i like their music. like mentioned earlier, i dont like the new junk, but i still hold my old junk very dearly. my spice girls oldbritney backstreet boys nsync wonderful wonderful memories. okay okay im going to go watch now hahahahaha buh-byeeeee
my name is izyanti asaari, and i was a boyband junkie.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
"Understanding is a luxury you should not expect."
found this in a blog. possibly, Lesson No. 1 for life post-secondary school.
i miss secondary school. nothing profound to say today; except that maybe despite my efforts to make sure that i did not take anything for granted during my time in there (especially the last 2 years, of course), i think i still managed to. little things that i only just realized may not be so easily found out There.
i hate the idea of going around and people telling me that i'm not good enough. and i hate the idea that all this while, i've been saying im an under-achiever (AND tried to improve the situation) but maybe, this is what i am anyhoo.
but whatever. i am NOT going to be all gloom and doom. in the situation that i do end up in the jc that i've been posted too for pae, i will be all right. i will make the best of things, cue cake's 'i will survive'! things will be okay, i will handle things gaaaaaaah bring it on!!
at least, that what i keep telling myself haha. maybe it's better to be delusioned after all, if that's the only way to keep plodding on. it seems to be quite a good plan.
next thing on the list: rent furry easter bunny suit, wear it and run down orchard road past all the santas and going AHAHAHAHAHAHA - waaaait, who messed up my calander?? i think it will hilarious, and i need a dosage of hilarity to keep myself sane.
found this in a blog. possibly, Lesson No. 1 for life post-secondary school.
i miss secondary school. nothing profound to say today; except that maybe despite my efforts to make sure that i did not take anything for granted during my time in there (especially the last 2 years, of course), i think i still managed to. little things that i only just realized may not be so easily found out There.
i hate the idea of going around and people telling me that i'm not good enough. and i hate the idea that all this while, i've been saying im an under-achiever (AND tried to improve the situation) but maybe, this is what i am anyhoo.
but whatever. i am NOT going to be all gloom and doom. in the situation that i do end up in the jc that i've been posted too for pae, i will be all right. i will make the best of things, cue cake's 'i will survive'! things will be okay, i will handle things gaaaaaaah bring it on!!
at least, that what i keep telling myself haha. maybe it's better to be delusioned after all, if that's the only way to keep plodding on. it seems to be quite a good plan.
next thing on the list: rent furry easter bunny suit, wear it and run down orchard road past all the santas and going AHAHAHAHAHAHA - waaaait, who messed up my calander?? i think it will hilarious, and i need a dosage of hilarity to keep myself sane.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
editted:
wow i really do seem to be blogging a lot recently.
at first i wanted to blog about my sister. am worried about her, she's almost constantly cranky and sulky, and well, she's pissing kinda everyone at home. i suppose it's just a phase, but nevertheless it could be a long-term phase HAH. and what if she ends up in a crap school? this is not good.
i dunno. i talked it out with my mum, so maybe things will work out. anyhoo my conscience is niggling that i should not be as they say, airing our dirty laundry.
maybe it is paranoid as well, but i do worry that maybe she might not respect me; she might now, but what about later when she's older and angstier? i don't know how i will be able to you know, steer her in the right direction if she does not respect me.it seems quite comical now, hilarious even, but an hour ago, i hypothesized that maybe she might not respect me because *drumroll* i do not/have not had a boyfriend. IT IS POSSIBLE. she could think me pathetic, especially when she goes to secondary school and is surrounded by people with thriving lovelives. she will think i am not 'cool'. not only is this intensely embarassing, it brings up the whole she-wont-listen-to-me issue! and honestly, pushing her to 'Uncool' things like listening to the parents, stopping the angst will really not help.
augh. in print, this whole thing sounds silly and blown out of proportion, but it's very real. i am worried. i don't want her to end up in monkey crap.
on another note, and another person, i worry that this person does not need me anymore. i try to be there for her, but it's not like she opens up much on this matter to me. i sense something wrong, but i can't do anything. i can't, and i don't know how to.so she gets the advice from someone else. i suppose she feels more natural asking her, and it makes sense . like hey, what do i know about relantionships right? all i do is give hazy advice based on my equally hazy hypothesis based on theories observation and yes, magazine articles. i have no /actual/ experience. not thinking about the whole pathetic-ness of my situation, it also feels horrid. even when i do give advice, it feels empty hollow and false because despite everything, i know nothing! its nuts i know, but i do feel like a silly naive child at times like these.
i know nothing.
also, i realized i've never actually been presented with a situation that tested my self-control. there have always been external factors, mainly parental - omg no i can't i'll be grounded oh naaah can't i gotta go home, or i'll get a massive yelling etc. never have i been faced with an oppurtunity for me to go all right. this is where i must stop, and will stop. and i suppose only then when i learn this will i have properly grown up.
maybe, i've been failing all this while, and have not noticed it.
so many things to worry about. the annoying thing of course, is the fact that it is needless. self-inflicted! really, how silly can you get? very, apparently. i worry about flailing friendships,my sister, PAE results, PAE itself, the fact that i'm doing nothing, my Os papers, the handwriting that was on it, whether i was detailed enough during the bio, how many careless mistakes did i do for e.math, omg omfg english, augh augh my lit essays.
i feel thoroughly stupid because of the above.
wow i really do seem to be blogging a lot recently.
at first i wanted to blog about my sister. am worried about her, she's almost constantly cranky and sulky, and well, she's pissing kinda everyone at home. i suppose it's just a phase, but nevertheless it could be a long-term phase HAH. and what if she ends up in a crap school? this is not good.
i dunno. i talked it out with my mum, so maybe things will work out. anyhoo my conscience is niggling that i should not be as they say, airing our dirty laundry.
maybe it is paranoid as well, but i do worry that maybe she might not respect me; she might now, but what about later when she's older and angstier? i don't know how i will be able to you know, steer her in the right direction if she does not respect me.
augh. in print, this whole thing sounds silly and blown out of proportion, but it's very real. i am worried. i don't want her to end up in monkey crap.
on another note, and another person, i worry that this person does not need me anymore. i try to be there for her, but it's not like she opens up much on this matter to me. i sense something wrong, but i can't do anything. i can't, and i don't know how to.
i know nothing.
also, i realized i've never actually been presented with a situation that tested my self-control. there have always been external factors, mainly parental - omg no i can't i'll be grounded oh naaah can't i gotta go home, or i'll get a massive yelling etc. never have i been faced with an oppurtunity for me to go all right. this is where i must stop, and will stop. and i suppose only then when i learn this will i have properly grown up.
maybe, i've been failing all this while, and have not noticed it.
so many things to worry about. the annoying thing of course, is the fact that it is needless. self-inflicted! really, how silly can you get? very, apparently. i worry about flailing friendships,
i feel thoroughly stupid because of the above.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
a short moment of bitterness, that spurred a moment of bitchiness last night (yes so i ended up sleeping at 0330):
Izyanti,
This NOT the type of essay you were taught to write! It is more like a dialogue, but not even a normal dialogue.
What kind of story is it, anyway??
How can you simply try out a new and untested text type in an exam?!!
You're simply commiting academic suicide!
And look at your handwriting! How can you expect any examiner to be able to read it without squinting his eyes and tearing his hair off in frustration?! I'm truly saddend by what you have done.
- S.Lee
i hated her so much. this was what she wrote at the bottom of my Cartoons exponential thing (see archives). if i ever ever publish a book, i'm dedicating it to her with an exact quote of the above. i hate her i hate her.
soon, one day, i will get over this. one day, i will choose to get over it. possibly i might forgive her. for now though, you're getting coal in your saggy pantyhose suzie!
Izyanti,
This NOT the type of essay you were taught to write! It is more like a dialogue, but not even a normal dialogue.
What kind of story is it, anyway??
How can you simply try out a new and untested text type in an exam?!!
You're simply commiting academic suicide!
And look at your handwriting! How can you expect any examiner to be able to read it without squinting his eyes and tearing his hair off in frustration?! I'm truly saddend by what you have done.
- S.Lee
i hated her so much. this was what she wrote at the bottom of my Cartoons exponential thing (see archives). if i ever ever publish a book, i'm dedicating it to her with an exact quote of the above. i hate her i hate her.
soon, one day, i will get over this. one day, i will choose to get over it. possibly i might forgive her. for now though, you're getting coal in your saggy pantyhose suzie!
i am supposed to be sleeping now, because i will be waking up fairly early tomorrow. but i am not. why.
you know how people have a bedtime glass of milk or a read before they sleep, well for me it is mindless activities like blog-hopping or playing that good old archaic game - tetris. and sometimes in the process of such mindless activities, said mind gets bored and starts a-wandering. it rewinds the happenings of the day, scrutinizing every inane detail and conversation. like how chilly it was when i was in the comaparatively looong bus ride, and how wonderful it was to be back out in the sun when i finally got to my stop. and the shophouses i passed, possibly one of my favourite singaporean architectural works. and the slight nausea i felt because i was reading. and the thankfully short msn conversation i had with a friend who possibly has a completely dead personality. maybe it is just me, maybe we do not click as they say. maybe HE thinks that I'M the boring dead fish, but i just think he has no sense of humour whatsoever and has a one-dimensional perception of the world.
also, i remember the parents convincing me to go for this three day motivational seminar organized by some religious uh, organization. the fact that it was religious-y (i think) does not make me as wary as the fact that it will be in malay (i think). but the whole pointy point here is that it is THREE days. listen, i have THINGS to do in three days! they may think that all i do is aimless wandering and pondering in my room and sporadic jaunts out with friends but they are WRONG. i am *melodrama* an artist! i am working here - what you see as stoning slacking and daydreaming is in fact, me pleading for the muses to possess me! oh these artless creatures, they will nevah understand me! i am a poor misunderstood artist!
whine whine sob sob.
but, the truth is, im kinda intimidated by the length of it. in a sense, it's a commitment. three days, you know. what if i hate it, and i'll still have to come back for another miserable two days? i've never been for prolonged misery. cut it short and brutally, i say! i suppose there is a good chance that i might actually enjoy it. so i might actually go, since despite my insistence that i have Important Things To Do, this is in fact, a falsehood.
i do not.
oh i digress. the reason why i brought up the topic of this seminar thing was because of what my dad said to me when i went --ehhhhh i dowana go-- (yes very sad i know. i am not very eloquent when being pressured by parents). he told me there was going to be wonderful speakers, they'll be giving speeches about teenage responsibity and leadership and don't you always talk about being a leader
waaaaaaaait, hold on there, said i.
for these past adolescent years, i have never said anything about wanting to be a leader of any sort. those inclinations died when i left primary school and i realized with much then-bitterness that Authoritian Figures did not like me. fine so there were those little group projects when the *melodrama again* the heavy heavy burden of omg that R-word, yes responsibilty fell on to me. but that hardly matters i think, because the majority of my efforts flopped pathetically. no do not deny this, i remember everything with much cringiness.
and so, despite (still) thinking that i would make an awesome president of the student's council, prior experience and general social labelling, i am quite willing to accept that me, leader - ehh. not going to happen.
well, at least in secondary school. which i have since left, a few weeks ago. jc/poly, who knows? it might be in the cards. why why why do i keep setting myself up for situations for me to crash and burn?? i do not know, colour me stubborn.
you know how people have a bedtime glass of milk or a read before they sleep, well for me it is mindless activities like blog-hopping or playing that good old archaic game - tetris. and sometimes in the process of such mindless activities, said mind gets bored and starts a-wandering. it rewinds the happenings of the day, scrutinizing every inane detail and conversation. like how chilly it was when i was in the comaparatively looong bus ride, and how wonderful it was to be back out in the sun when i finally got to my stop. and the shophouses i passed, possibly one of my favourite singaporean architectural works. and the slight nausea i felt because i was reading. and the thankfully short msn conversation i had with a friend who possibly has a completely dead personality. maybe it is just me, maybe we do not click as they say. maybe HE thinks that I'M the boring dead fish, but i just think he has no sense of humour whatsoever and has a one-dimensional perception of the world.
also, i remember the parents convincing me to go for this three day motivational seminar organized by some religious uh, organization. the fact that it was religious-y (i think) does not make me as wary as the fact that it will be in malay (i think). but the whole pointy point here is that it is THREE days. listen, i have THINGS to do in three days! they may think that all i do is aimless wandering and pondering in my room and sporadic jaunts out with friends but they are WRONG. i am *melodrama* an artist! i am working here - what you see as stoning slacking and daydreaming is in fact, me pleading for the muses to possess me! oh these artless creatures, they will nevah understand me! i am a poor misunderstood artist!
whine whine sob sob.
but, the truth is, im kinda intimidated by the length of it. in a sense, it's a commitment. three days, you know. what if i hate it, and i'll still have to come back for another miserable two days? i've never been for prolonged misery. cut it short and brutally, i say! i suppose there is a good chance that i might actually enjoy it. so i might actually go, since despite my insistence that i have Important Things To Do, this is in fact, a falsehood.
i do not.
oh i digress. the reason why i brought up the topic of this seminar thing was because of what my dad said to me when i went --ehhhhh i dowana go-- (yes very sad i know. i am not very eloquent when being pressured by parents). he told me there was going to be wonderful speakers, they'll be giving speeches about teenage responsibity and leadership and don't you always talk about being a leader
waaaaaaaait, hold on there, said i.
for these past adolescent years, i have never said anything about wanting to be a leader of any sort. those inclinations died when i left primary school and i realized with much then-bitterness that Authoritian Figures did not like me. fine so there were those little group projects when the *melodrama again* the heavy heavy burden of omg that R-word, yes responsibilty fell on to me. but that hardly matters i think, because the majority of my efforts flopped pathetically. no do not deny this, i remember everything with much cringiness.
and so, despite (still) thinking that i would make an awesome president of the student's council, prior experience and general social labelling, i am quite willing to accept that me, leader - ehh. not going to happen.
well, at least in secondary school. which i have since left, a few weeks ago. jc/poly, who knows? it might be in the cards. why why why do i keep setting myself up for situations for me to crash and burn?? i do not know, colour me stubborn.
Friday, December 10, 2004
maybe it's overly cynical, but i think i have lost a good portion of my faith in journalism. this is a big deal because the idea of journalism as a career has ALWAYS lurked around since i was a kid. that is how much journalism has played a part in my life.
journalism is about conveying the truth isn't it, and me, being terribly idealistic and stubbornly
so - i can't accept the paradox of censorship and commercialism co-habiting with journalism. it's not only not right, it cancels out everything! how can they peacefully exist, when the concepts will inevitably interfere?
i cannot see how a journalist can make a cuttingly honest political analysis when there's censorship to consider. even the mundane things like movie reviews - notice how movies distributed by gigantahumoungous companies who have splashed out full-page ads hardly hardly ever get poor reviews? and i am still very much pissed by the co-incidental placing of the full-page Mango ad adjacent to the page 2 news of the beheading in iraq. no prizes for guessing the carefully calculated positioning and the extra money paid to get that attention-grabbing spot. maybe im just paranoid, but pbbt.
sensationalism sensationalism ignore the black and white you can only see in grey write what the paying readers want to hear write what the government tells you to shut up shut up red tape write what we tell you to write well here i am back in secondary school with suzanna lee.
when i told mother dearest about my *drum roll* disillusionment, she said i was being narrow-minded because she thought i was talking only about being a normal print journalist. but oh no mother, i corrected her. in fact, i have thought this very well out. it is one of the things that occupy my mind during Bathroom Time. i cannot be a political analyst though it is very fascinating, because i am not brilliant enough. being a mother, she of course denied my claim - said she, how do you know, you've never tried it! oh ho-hum, would you like to see 2 years worth of history essays? wait, lemme try find it in the pile of papers that i was planning to make a bonfire with.
then she said, well, what about being a magazine writer? and i choked.
to be honest, it did use to sound appealing to me. magazines here refer to women and fashion magazines.
oh whot fun! i don't buy them anymore because long ago, i realized they were telling me the same things over and over again and thank you, i've learnt why its very very important to use toner and i know how to put on my eyeliner smudged or in a dead-straight line and how to match those awful pair of white boots with virtually anything in my wardrobe! i am now all set to face the world, watch out everybody! i am armed with chockloads of trivial information!
so nowadays, i just flip through copies of 'high-fashion' mags because hurhur i like the pretty pictures. and i will stab myself in the eye before becoming a writer in one of those trashy teeny-bopper magazines like Teens. augh augh augh.
but now, i seem to be striking out more and more of my options in my List until i have nothing left and so, know not what to do with my life.
journalism is about conveying the truth isn't it, and me, being terribly idealistic and stubbornly
so - i can't accept the paradox of censorship and commercialism co-habiting with journalism. it's not only not right, it cancels out everything! how can they peacefully exist, when the concepts will inevitably interfere?
i cannot see how a journalist can make a cuttingly honest political analysis when there's censorship to consider. even the mundane things like movie reviews - notice how movies distributed by gigantahumoungous companies who have splashed out full-page ads hardly hardly ever get poor reviews? and i am still very much pissed by the co-incidental placing of the full-page Mango ad adjacent to the page 2 news of the beheading in iraq. no prizes for guessing the carefully calculated positioning and the extra money paid to get that attention-grabbing spot. maybe im just paranoid, but pbbt.
sensationalism sensationalism ignore the black and white you can only see in grey write what the paying readers want to hear write what the government tells you to shut up shut up red tape write what we tell you to write well here i am back in secondary school with suzanna lee.
when i told mother dearest about my *drum roll* disillusionment, she said i was being narrow-minded because she thought i was talking only about being a normal print journalist. but oh no mother, i corrected her. in fact, i have thought this very well out. it is one of the things that occupy my mind during Bathroom Time. i cannot be a political analyst though it is very fascinating, because i am not brilliant enough. being a mother, she of course denied my claim - said she, how do you know, you've never tried it! oh ho-hum, would you like to see 2 years worth of history essays? wait, lemme try find it in the pile of papers that i was planning to make a bonfire with.
then she said, well, what about being a magazine writer? and i choked.
to be honest, it did use to sound appealing to me. magazines here refer to women and fashion magazines.
oh whot fun! i don't buy them anymore because long ago, i realized they were telling me the same things over and over again and thank you, i've learnt why its very very important to use toner and i know how to put on my eyeliner smudged or in a dead-straight line and how to match those awful pair of white boots with virtually anything in my wardrobe! i am now all set to face the world, watch out everybody! i am armed with chockloads of trivial information!
so nowadays, i just flip through copies of 'high-fashion' mags because hurhur i like the pretty pictures. and i will stab myself in the eye before becoming a writer in one of those trashy teeny-bopper magazines like Teens. augh augh augh.
but now, i seem to be striking out more and more of my options in my List until i have nothing left and so, know not what to do with my life.
Friday, December 03, 2004
and so. i am back from my quick sojourn into our more-malay neighbour. what is there to blog about?
- i stayed in a very pretty chalet
- i liked it a lot because it had a 4 poster bed with a white organza canopy
- it was nice staying in the 'stilts, on water' chalet because even though water was only sentosa-quality, the view was still pretty nice, and yay what a novelty.
- the toilet was very gorgeous (important!). it had an open-air shower area - very liberating to be taking a shower and look up to see the sky. fortunately, all birds were toilet trained.
- food was good.
- sibling bonding.
- harry potter and the chamber of secrets was playing, so i had a nice time complaining about daniel radcliffe once more.
- met some very nice cats.
- the beach which was otherwise mediocre, was awesome during low tide (as i expected). swarms of little crabs and other forms of sealife! it was quite freaky deaky, looked like the crabs and hermit crabs were planning on an invasion. but HAH, we ensured that them little critters knew their place in the heirachy! scutter away from our gigantahumongous feet O little ones!
- resort actually had a small aviary, and in the mornings, they would let a couple of them wander free. had the oppurtunity to come across a really truly crazy bird. i was talking to a pair of chickens, telling them that it's okay i'm safe i really like cows better when quite SUDDENLY, this huge emu-like blue spotted bird came running towards me from a corner! it really ran quite fast, considering its skinny legs atop its bulk. and then a bout a 4 metres away from me, it would abruptly STOP, run away behind the corner, then run back towards me again! several times.
- mosquitos feasted on my face on my second night while i was sleeping. i covered everything up except my face, because i couldnt bear the suffocation. woke up with several swollen facial bits. monster mosquitos.
- vistied kampungs and long lost, not-so-distant, practically strangers, i-never-knew-they-exited relatives. in retrospect, the fact that i knew nothing about them is both amazing and alarming. I HAVE KAMPUNG ORIGINS!
- had an unexpectedly enjoyable time being lost in the maze that is the kampung's roadwork.
- came across two rather gorgey, european backpackers on motorcycles in weird rubber biker armour. they looked a bit like armadillos. one looked better with his helmet on, and the other disappointed me when he took off his bandanna because then we found out he had boyband floppy hair.
- i am back in singapore. i like being back, even though i wasn't really away. and in a sporadic moment of patriotism, am glad to be a singaporean because a) we don't live in kampungs without proper electricity, plumbing and most importantly INTERNET. b) i have pleasantly discovered that the majority of the singaporean audience are not as immature as i thought to vote for sylvester instead of taufik. hey hey this is significant and it's NOT because the latter has a very cute smile, but because it proves that generally, we recognize talent. i apologize for general remarks of disdain made in the not so distant past.
now that condensed listing is over, i shall move on to today's Rant. it had started to seriously irk me, the presence of women in recent music videos. it is irritating to see, slammed into my face, these videos with scantily clad women hanging around like spare-whotsits!
we have merely become trophies in these silly videos, a symbol of how desirable this man is. as if we have no better purpose, where is your dignity?! i am angry because i think of all the bra-burners who worked hard for women's liberation and here we are, back to square one. and this time, verily it seems that these women are subjecting themselves to it quite voluntarily.
and please, do not give me the crap that you are exercising your right, your FREEDOM to behave anyway you want. that it is your choice to blatantly exihibit your sexuality, that you WANT to hang on to their arms, because they make you look good, you make him look good so really what is the problem? it's an effing paradox. he looks good because of the women, and the woman looks good hanging on to him because he looks good, which is brought by the tagging harem.
argh.
the funny and interesting is, this occurence transcends genres. it happens in rock, hip-hop, pop. which only goes to show that this situation is universal, and if this is so, there is a huge possibility that it has always been in us humans. the ease in which women are objectified into symbols of sex and power acquired, and the willingness for women to do so because it's the easiest way to give them a sense of worth. and if it's in us, well that is very sad and maybe that's why i'm so worked up. because then it will mean that despite efforts to do good and change things, we are naturally 'bad' and will revert back into this state given the chance.
and to think those women burned their bras for nothing.
Monday, November 29, 2004
i had planned for myself a rather calm day today. shopping with an unexpectedly stubborn person ("let's do it the girl way") and the usual starbucks trip with buddies.
but oh no.
to cap(!) it all off, we had to watch a flick. and since the squinting-at-subtitles french movie wasn't out yet, and i kinda only like jim carrey slapstick, we did not watch that no paddle seth green thing or hurrah shark tale.
saw was a fabbity fab fab flick that was freaky-deaky sick twisted morbid psychotic unexpected and really, just OMF. on the "WHOA Scale", i would rate it 5 times better than the 6th Sense; which comparatively is absolutely tame when taking all the gore into consideration.
gore izyanti?, you ask, but i thought you usually don't like all that fake blood.
well yes i still don't like it when its senseless. it gets tiring when blood is splattered and spewed over and over again with the same old usual boring cheesy tacky male-driven gun fight. can i say, yawn? it's redundant, unneccesary and on the whole just sensationalism to get the testosterone driven to buy over-priced tickets, and over-priced poofed corn kernals and an over-priced tank of soda that will corrode your innards.
but this movie however, the gore i thought complemented the flick. it wasn't just a marketing tool or a way to spend millions of dollars in movie production. it was carefully calculated to heighten the terror felt as the plot twists turns and entangles until you feel like you're going to die.
which is why, in a sick way and i honestly never thought i would hear myself saying this, i actually appreciated the gore. it was not silly, nor excessive - it was part of the story-telling. it did freak me out, and i will probably have a few shadows of it in my dreams to come but well, it's also really handle-ble. c'mon it's OUR censorship board!
sadly, i have this tendency to overlook the director but this flick was really a notable one. the pace and tension was built up with such precision, that it kinda just grabs you and holds you and you don't even realize that you're actually in a very near semblance to terror or at the least, intense fear.and the level of confusion that the director managed to maintain was just right so that it didn't become predictable or 'uh, whaaaat?' - just enough so that when added to the fear, it became this heady potent mix that made the adrenaline feel so much more colder. i could taste mine.
the plot is so layered, it's like jennifer aniston's old hair cut oh haha.
but most of all, i like the way the uber intense plot handles the voyeurism theme so effingly well. it goes beyond the first or secondary character, it's in the minor characters as well which i realized while i was delving through the scenes on the bus trip home. its honestly a wonderfully wriiten, VERY original screenplay.
so go on, watch it. i don't say this often, but it was worth my $8.50.
(whaaaat, that's half a cd you know!)
but oh no.
to cap(!) it all off, we had to watch a flick. and since the squinting-at-subtitles french movie wasn't out yet, and i kinda only like jim carrey slapstick, we did not watch that no paddle seth green thing or hurrah shark tale.
saw was a fabbity fab fab flick that was freaky-deaky sick twisted morbid psychotic unexpected and really, just OMF. on the "WHOA Scale", i would rate it 5 times better than the 6th Sense; which comparatively is absolutely tame when taking all the gore into consideration.
gore izyanti?, you ask, but i thought you usually don't like all that fake blood.
well yes i still don't like it when its senseless. it gets tiring when blood is splattered and spewed over and over again with the same old usual boring cheesy tacky male-driven gun fight. can i say, yawn? it's redundant, unneccesary and on the whole just sensationalism to get the testosterone driven to buy over-priced tickets, and over-priced poofed corn kernals and an over-priced tank of soda that will corrode your innards.
but this movie however, the gore i thought complemented the flick. it wasn't just a marketing tool or a way to spend millions of dollars in movie production. it was carefully calculated to heighten the terror felt as the plot twists turns and entangles until you feel like you're going to die.
which is why, in a sick way and i honestly never thought i would hear myself saying this, i actually appreciated the gore. it was not silly, nor excessive - it was part of the story-telling. it did freak me out, and i will probably have a few shadows of it in my dreams to come but well, it's also really handle-ble. c'mon it's OUR censorship board!
sadly, i have this tendency to overlook the director but this flick was really a notable one. the pace and tension was built up with such precision, that it kinda just grabs you and holds you and you don't even realize that you're actually in a very near semblance to terror or at the least, intense fear.and the level of confusion that the director managed to maintain was just right so that it didn't become predictable or 'uh, whaaaat?' - just enough so that when added to the fear, it became this heady potent mix that made the adrenaline feel so much more colder. i could taste mine.
the plot is so layered, it's like jennifer aniston's old hair cut oh haha.
but most of all, i like the way the uber intense plot handles the voyeurism theme so effingly well. it goes beyond the first or secondary character, it's in the minor characters as well which i realized while i was delving through the scenes on the bus trip home. its honestly a wonderfully wriiten, VERY original screenplay.
so go on, watch it. i don't say this often, but it was worth my $8.50.
(whaaaat, that's half a cd you know!)
Friday, November 26, 2004
something i want more than the Zen micro, something that i will want forever and ever and ever and ever and ever:
i want to be brilliant.
it would be wonderful i think, to be that enthrallingly intelligent. and not for the reason that mugging would automatically become redundant, but for the simple reason that when you're brilliant, everything is more or less easier. you can do anything at all, the world is at your feet. and if you're not the world-domination sort, it is at the least you're very own stage. to be that uber talented in that one thing that you adore, nothing else would matter even if you were damn fugly.
the exception to this of course, would be to be unloved. that possibly is much much worse than being un-brilliant.
the beauty of brilliance is success, and by this, i do not mean sheer monetary or career success. what i want is the ease and assurance that whatever you do does not suck. although thinking about it now, being brilliant does not mean a lack of self-conscious perfectionism. i want to be brilliant because then i will never have to worry about sounding stupid as i am wont to do, or producing works that at first i find pretty decent then in retrospect, find that it belongs in the damned grime of the trash.
for example, i read through one of the prose pieces i did, furiously editted and re-printed it out. i then took the old copy, stuck my gum in it and is now awaiting trash removal. i hate the way that in the end, i always hate what i have done. and really, hate is NOT too strong a word to describe this.
what makes this want for brilliance worse is being surrounded by the brilliant. i suppose 'surrounded' would be an exaggeration (whaaaaat? don't kill me!), but it is enough to have a few friends or acquaintences (i can't even spell this!) who are truly of above-average intelligence. It is enough for me to make sufficient comparison and thereby making a conclusion that i could never be like them. i do not think brilliance is something that can be acquired really, you either have it or you don't. talent is another thing of course, likewise maturity and insight that is gained through normal living. this would mean then, that brilliance is absolutely unattainable and therefore, I MUST HAVE IT. oh haha.
i suppose i am just being wistful.
i am worried by my need to seek approval.
think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts
can't fly without the fairy dust. ho hum pig's bum i feel a spurtt of incoherence coming on, i should run off before this incoherence is converted into a tangible form. ah too late. i want to write, i really do but every time i try i can't. the first block is the habit i have of dismissing a lot of ideas because i think their immature or cliched. the second one that i face is more scary.
it is like the principal compared to someone who actually makes sense like ms tay. the principal yabbers on and on and really you've heard it before and you wish you could throw it into those old rubber boots that always surface on bad fishing days, but you can't because unfortunately what she says applies to life. so you nod and hmm and aah just to pass the time, because this phase does not matter much since it is expected and well, more dismiss-able.
the second roadblock is the scarier one because what is being said actually makes sense. and you can see no way out of it, because it is all True. there is no loophole to wiggle your way through! and this block is the mere fact that i have no experience. i have not lived nor seen the world, not really. what have i been doing this past few years?
child, daughter, student and teenager.
which honestly, is not much. and you know, you write what you know. and when you don't know much, well that's a very small box i'm stuck in! how exactly am i supposed to venture out of the genres when i know nuts? and i do not think i could write a discourse on the merits of pistachios instead of walnuts and macadamia nuts and why chestnuts are not nuts, they are CORMS.
a solution would be to write fantasy, but i am very horrid with plotlines, and so it would most probably result in a one-track page filler. which i suppose is a start. except that I don't take fantasy seriously. it's a good example of fiction i agree, but i find it difficult to put it under literature. i do not know why, i just find realistic prose resonates more for me. it could also be why i really like B&W photos more than coloured ones.
and you know, i don't actually mind speaking malay. i just hate speaking it in the company of people who know how rare such a moment is. because it makes me uncomfortable when it is pointed out, and when it brings laughter even when i know its friendly. ah yes, i know why. i hate having this weakness being pointed out. because god knows i hate being seen as weak.
which brings to mind this cassandra claire Dravo Veritas quote:
"i can't use sex to get what i want, sex is what i want!"
oops wrong one.
mmkay, found it; ginny says this to him
"You despise weakness, and that means you're capable of real cruelty towards the helpless, and you despise your own weakness most of all"
which i find true of me as well, cassandra claire has managed to articulate why i loathe some people with such a vengeance. oh bravo! this is why i love her dearly.
i want to be brilliant.
it would be wonderful i think, to be that enthrallingly intelligent. and not for the reason that mugging would automatically become redundant, but for the simple reason that when you're brilliant, everything is more or less easier. you can do anything at all, the world is at your feet. and if you're not the world-domination sort, it is at the least you're very own stage. to be that uber talented in that one thing that you adore, nothing else would matter even if you were damn fugly.
the exception to this of course, would be to be unloved. that possibly is much much worse than being un-brilliant.
the beauty of brilliance is success, and by this, i do not mean sheer monetary or career success. what i want is the ease and assurance that whatever you do does not suck. although thinking about it now, being brilliant does not mean a lack of self-conscious perfectionism. i want to be brilliant because then i will never have to worry about sounding stupid as i am wont to do, or producing works that at first i find pretty decent then in retrospect, find that it belongs in the damned grime of the trash.
for example, i read through one of the prose pieces i did, furiously editted and re-printed it out. i then took the old copy, stuck my gum in it and is now awaiting trash removal. i hate the way that in the end, i always hate what i have done. and really, hate is NOT too strong a word to describe this.
what makes this want for brilliance worse is being surrounded by the brilliant. i suppose 'surrounded' would be an exaggeration (whaaaaat? don't kill me!), but it is enough to have a few friends or acquaintences (i can't even spell this!) who are truly of above-average intelligence. It is enough for me to make sufficient comparison and thereby making a conclusion that i could never be like them. i do not think brilliance is something that can be acquired really, you either have it or you don't. talent is another thing of course, likewise maturity and insight that is gained through normal living. this would mean then, that brilliance is absolutely unattainable and therefore, I MUST HAVE IT. oh haha.
i suppose i am just being wistful.
i am worried by my need to seek approval.
think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts
can't fly without the fairy dust. ho hum pig's bum i feel a spurtt of incoherence coming on, i should run off before this incoherence is converted into a tangible form. ah too late. i want to write, i really do but every time i try i can't. the first block is the habit i have of dismissing a lot of ideas because i think their immature or cliched. the second one that i face is more scary.
it is like the principal compared to someone who actually makes sense like ms tay. the principal yabbers on and on and really you've heard it before and you wish you could throw it into those old rubber boots that always surface on bad fishing days, but you can't because unfortunately what she says applies to life. so you nod and hmm and aah just to pass the time, because this phase does not matter much since it is expected and well, more dismiss-able.
the second roadblock is the scarier one because what is being said actually makes sense. and you can see no way out of it, because it is all True. there is no loophole to wiggle your way through! and this block is the mere fact that i have no experience. i have not lived nor seen the world, not really. what have i been doing this past few years?
child, daughter, student and teenager.
which honestly, is not much. and you know, you write what you know. and when you don't know much, well that's a very small box i'm stuck in! how exactly am i supposed to venture out of the genres when i know nuts? and i do not think i could write a discourse on the merits of pistachios instead of walnuts and macadamia nuts and why chestnuts are not nuts, they are CORMS.
a solution would be to write fantasy, but i am very horrid with plotlines, and so it would most probably result in a one-track page filler. which i suppose is a start. except that I don't take fantasy seriously. it's a good example of fiction i agree, but i find it difficult to put it under literature. i do not know why, i just find realistic prose resonates more for me. it could also be why i really like B&W photos more than coloured ones.
and you know, i don't actually mind speaking malay. i just hate speaking it in the company of people who know how rare such a moment is. because it makes me uncomfortable when it is pointed out, and when it brings laughter even when i know its friendly. ah yes, i know why. i hate having this weakness being pointed out. because god knows i hate being seen as weak.
which brings to mind this cassandra claire Dravo Veritas quote:
"i can't use sex to get what i want, sex is what i want!"
oops wrong one.
mmkay, found it; ginny says this to him
"You despise weakness, and that means you're capable of real cruelty towards the helpless, and you despise your own weakness most of all"
which i find true of me as well, cassandra claire has managed to articulate why i loathe some people with such a vengeance. oh bravo! this is why i love her dearly.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
past few days have been fun. two very very fruitful shopping trips to town.
items bought
items bought
- a really nice viridian green kint top.
- this oh so funkay bangle.
- does my spongebob tee count?
- a very very nice sky/grass print zipped bag thing
- mystery gift for someone (i)
- mystery gift for someone (ii)
- canvas-es for painting!
- ribbon and lace from spotlight for this-and-that
- brother's birthday present.
- photo album for myself (plain black cloth bound!)
- 2005 calendar organizer.
hmm. a uncomfortably long list.
more things that i have to get
- mystery gift for someone (iii)
- mystery gift for someone (iv)
- smaller mystery x'mas tokens for close buddies (vi)
- bits and pieces to complete above-mentioned mystery gifts.
- good black pinstripe pants.
- a funkay tote bag.
- a hair cut.
- The Creative Zen Micro.
i however do take comfort in the fact that at least i'm not buying things ALL for myself. but anyway, PLEASE fund my chronic shopping spree-ing, i do not think my NETS card can take it any longer, even though considering i had deposited all current Hari Raya Funds inside said bank account. oh no, i cannot afford this lifestyle. and maybe it'snot so bad because even though i buy a lot (for me anyway), i reaaaally try not to get overly expensive stuff.
i was at funan today with gennie, and we ran into a model of the Zen Micro. of course, i have already wanted it since it first came out. but holding it in my palm (yes, only my palm), it fit so beautifully and perfectly that i think i was actually experiencing momentary lust for that beautiful thing. granted design-wise, it is not quite as gorgeous as the iPod, but then again i am getting sick of the latter's persistent advertizing and now rather annoying VERY simple capabilities. and now i am reading online reviews of the Zen Micro, and it is generally..how do you say? WONDERFUL. in fact, they rate it better than the iPod Mini! *swoons* http://www6.head-fi.org/forums/showthread.php?t=93151
I MUST HAVE IT.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
cue momentary (hopefully) period of angst:
a few weeks ago, i was sure what i wanted to do, my plans post-Os and post-secondary school were cemented in concrete. haha kill me somebody. i suppose this only confirms it once again that concrete is not that permanent after all.
then i put aside the ? that ended everything by telling myself that it doesnt matter, we shall get through the Os first, and then we'll settle it. except now, it IS after the Os - and in a few days i'll need to have made my decision and pray that it's not a mistake. it worries me the most, making a mistake. and my plans for this-and-that after the Os feel strange because suddenly, I HAVE A LOT OF TIME. i can do what i want, and this sudden onslaught of 'freedom' is just strange. it thrilled me yesterday, realizing that i could go out the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next. but now it just daunts me, because i am not having a schedule of mugging and school-based activities imposed on me.
for the first time, i can actually do what i want (well, kinda. but enough).
oh and i ran into kass today in town! so, is the mrt busking thingamajig still on? ho hum, pig's bum. ENTERTAIN ME so i won't have to think. oh wow the moon looks positively creepy tonight. the partially clud covered, eerily yellow-orange glowing kind from B-grade horror flicks.
i will not allow myself to devolve into a non-active blob of a thing during the holidays.
a few weeks ago, i was sure what i wanted to do, my plans post-Os and post-secondary school were cemented in concrete. haha kill me somebody. i suppose this only confirms it once again that concrete is not that permanent after all.
then i put aside the ? that ended everything by telling myself that it doesnt matter, we shall get through the Os first, and then we'll settle it. except now, it IS after the Os - and in a few days i'll need to have made my decision and pray that it's not a mistake. it worries me the most, making a mistake. and my plans for this-and-that after the Os feel strange because suddenly, I HAVE A LOT OF TIME. i can do what i want, and this sudden onslaught of 'freedom' is just strange. it thrilled me yesterday, realizing that i could go out the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next. but now it just daunts me, because i am not having a schedule of mugging and school-based activities imposed on me.
for the first time, i can actually do what i want (well, kinda. but enough).
oh and i ran into kass today in town! so, is the mrt busking thingamajig still on? ho hum, pig's bum. ENTERTAIN ME so i won't have to think. oh wow the moon looks positively creepy tonight. the partially clud covered, eerily yellow-orange glowing kind from B-grade horror flicks.
i will not allow myself to devolve into a non-active blob of a thing during the holidays.
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