i am supposed to be sleeping now, because i will be waking up fairly early tomorrow. but i am not. why.

you know how people have a bedtime glass of milk or a read before they sleep, well for me it is mindless activities like blog-hopping or playing that good old archaic game - tetris. and sometimes in the process of such mindless activities, said mind gets bored and starts a-wandering. it rewinds the happenings of the day, scrutinizing every inane detail and conversation. like how chilly it was when i was in the comaparatively looong bus ride, and how wonderful it was to be back out in the sun when i finally got to my stop. and the shophouses i passed, possibly one of my favourite singaporean architectural works. and the slight nausea i felt because i was reading. and the thankfully short msn conversation i had with a friend who possibly has a completely dead personality. maybe it is just me, maybe we do not click as they say. maybe HE thinks that I'M the boring dead fish, but i just think he has no sense of humour whatsoever and has a one-dimensional perception of the world.

also, i remember the parents convincing me to go for this three day motivational seminar organized by some religious uh, organization. the fact that it was religious-y (i think) does not make me as wary as the fact that it will be in malay (i think). but the whole pointy point here is that it is THREE days. listen, i have THINGS to do in three days! they may think that all i do is aimless wandering and pondering in my room and sporadic jaunts out with friends but they are WRONG. i am *melodrama* an artist! i am working here - what you see as stoning slacking and daydreaming is in fact, me pleading for the muses to possess me! oh these artless creatures, they will nevah understand me! i am a poor misunderstood artist!

whine whine sob sob.

but, the truth is, im kinda intimidated by the length of it. in a sense, it's a commitment. three days, you know. what if i hate it, and i'll still have to come back for another miserable two days? i've never been for prolonged misery. cut it short and brutally, i say! i suppose there is a good chance that i might actually enjoy it. so i might actually go, since despite my insistence that i have Important Things To Do, this is in fact, a falsehood.

i do not.

oh i digress. the reason why i brought up the topic of this seminar thing was because of what my dad said to me when i went --ehhhhh i dowana go-- (yes very sad i know. i am not very eloquent when being pressured by parents). he told me there was going to be wonderful speakers, they'll be giving speeches about teenage responsibity and leadership and don't you always talk about being a leader

waaaaaaaait, hold on there, said i.

for these past adolescent years, i have never said anything about wanting to be a leader of any sort. those inclinations died when i left primary school and i realized with much then-bitterness that Authoritian Figures did not like me. fine so there were those little group projects when the *melodrama again* the heavy heavy burden of omg that R-word, yes responsibilty fell on to me. but that hardly matters i think, because the majority of my efforts flopped pathetically. no do not deny this, i remember everything with much cringiness.

and so, despite (still) thinking that i would make an awesome president of the student's council, prior experience and general social labelling, i am quite willing to accept that me, leader - ehh. not going to happen.

well, at least in secondary school. which i have since left, a few weeks ago. jc/poly, who knows? it might be in the cards. why why why do i keep setting myself up for situations for me to crash and burn?? i do not know, colour me stubborn.