so..what problems do you have?

this question popped up while we were just sitting at starbucks with my CAP friends. and it unexpectedly left me [and i think most of us] quite stumped.

i thought of a few and it all sounded so trivial that i wisely decided to keep them to myself. you know, typical teenage angst.

i suppose this is a good way to un-depress myself when the need arises. i shall ask myself, "so iz..what are your problems?". i will then talk to myself and i will realize that i am being petty and should be a better person and remember how much more people are suffering out there and then i shall feel guilty for being so self-centered etc and will then, hate myself.

hmm. so scrap that idea.

problems..problems. i think i'm better at listing out my flaws.

-my perfectionistic trait.
this is usually a good thing in most people but it's rather destructive for me. why? because a LOT of times, i am simply lazy and yet, i still get kinda upset when i flunk etc.
and also because i am a perfectionist at times, i can get pretty bossy when doing projects and friends usually avoid me because of this. so recently, i've avoided being the "leader" and let my friends take the steering wheel which i realize now, is quite torturous. i do NOT like being the one being delegated tasks. i do NOT like having to go along with an idea i dont particularly like since not being leader, i am less able to convince people to see my point of view. i like to delegate, to come up with the general concept and to see how with everybody's work, it gets refined into the end product. i much prefer co-ordinating and seeing how from nothing, it becomes SOMETHING because of our hard work.
AND. being a perfectionist means i find it hard to be criticized, pointing out the imperfections of my work. i KNOW it's imperfect and i'm unhappy that it is so and for others to point it out as well, makes me feel even worse. even though i know it's important and oh-so-constructive and yadda yadda yadda. i force myself to be put in a position to be criticized because well, it improves your work but trust me, i hate hearing every single syllable of it. but i need it SO.

-obsessive.
this nicely co-incides with the above. not healthy, a complete waste of time and sometimes because of my dwelling habits, i fall into the deep end so to speak.

-anti-social.
at school, a lot of people have the misconception that im snobby because of this. they see me being crazy and friendly with my best buds but totally ignoring others. it's not that i don't like them, but i dont find the experience ugh, i don't know how to explain. i'm just not the kind to strike a conversation out of nowhere even if i've been in your lit class for 2 years. i just can't make myself do it, i find it awkward.



are these considered problems?

i suppose i'm quite happy at school. i'm taking all the subjects i like and not taking the ones i can /never/ take without losing my sanity[geog/amath/physics]. i have all the friends i need. i'm not popular and not high up on the social ladder but im pretty sure im not a wallflower. my grades are not scraping the bottom of the barrel and though their not great, i know it's cuz i dont work hard enough. nobody has a particular hatred for me. i've learnt how to ignore all those bitchy cliques and just get along with life.

home life is pretty fine too. sure, the common friction with the Parental Authorities but nothing to kill myself over. my parents don't hate me and they certainly care about me *phew*. and my mudder is pretty tolerant of my crazy antics *PHEW*. she understands why i get into trouble at school and is pretty sympatathic as well.

geez, it sounds almost perfect doesnt it? i know people who are going through heavy stuff like ostracization [cant spell. sorry], bullying, and Wallflower-itis at school and even worse stuff at home like abuse, neglect or just complete arseholic parents. i feel guilty.

for being fine and all. and yet, still i get depressed.
*slaps herself*
LIKE GEEZ, I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. gawd, i am such a loser. i should get a grip and stop being so self-indulgent and immature.
oh gawd.
please, the next time i go into my Dark Corner, please grab me by the collar and give me a tight slap. i might just kill you as a result though. just a warning.
_____________________________________________
aprilmadCAPouting.

i think generally, we were muchos annoyed by the fact that we didn't get to watch the movie we wanted, let alone sneak into The Passion. like, bummer.
so we watched Twisted. a movie i didn't even KNOW was showing. geez. it was pretty good i think but the start of it was horrid. it was all disjointed and didnt make much sense. and it didn't help that we missed the first 10 minutes or so. and i got "please shut up!"ed at. oops. but i/we just had a LOT to say. i'm sorry Singapore Audience, but there's always a commentary going on in my head and when with company, i automatically share this commentary. i know it's an annoying trait but oh well. i'm just not a very quiet person.

merf.

um um what happened next? ah yes, we went kino. matthew was mean to me. AND just as i decided that i shall be a Nice Person to him because my best friend says he's a Nice Person so i should not be sarcastic and tease him anymore since he is my Friend. after today, i henceforth shall revert to my old self and mercilessly taunt him because hah, he does the same thing to me. it's a strange friendship.
and i felt thoroughly lost at kino, specifically when we were wandering at the poetry section. it really just hammered in how un-cultured i am. gawd. i recognized the poets but urgh.

yadda yadda yadda, we went to starbucks. yum mocha frapp. felt really bad when i had to leave. i honestly had to tear myself away from the conversation. how very the annoying.
___________________________________________
grk. i have to go and sleep early. because my parents want me to. my mudder just told me to "go to bed early". augh augh augh. must NOT think about it. ai-yeeeeeeee!!
i wonder if you guys know what i'm so horrified about

You’re a good girl, ‘though I stink of fat
I need this, I need him, I need her,
I need everybody.

Why?

But you’re my best friend, you slide beneath my shadow
Skin you’re my good friend, the only one I would ever truly leave

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine right
As all of us depend on love from those above
That comfort, the comfort of strangers

Listen
I love you
Way too much Way too much
Way too much
I can wallow in your reckless recklessness
slave to all things useful to you

You are a dream to me I can’t recall your name
your face
your smell
your taste
your mouth

I was kinder then, but not now.

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine right
As all of us depend on love from those above
That’s comfort, the comfort of strangers

I say, I don’t want to hurt you, but really I do
I want to caress you like no girl before then leave you cold
Hey you listen
I said that I loved you and really I meant it, too
I tried to keep some semblance of feeling,
trapped beneath this dizzy work of art

As the day ends and the night begins
These big city lights come like stars that don’t shine bright
As all of us depend on love from those above
That comfort, the comfort of strangers

You are a dream to me
You You You are
I don’t want to hurt you
No I don’t want to hurt you
But I don’t want to hurt you
I said I love you
I… I need the comfort of strangers

comfort of strangers; skin.



i love this song. it's got this jazzy edge to it and it sounds so goood. i've been looking for the lyrics for /ages/ and now, FINALLY. knowing the lyrics, i love it even more.
go try download it! meh, my kazaa is spoiled because my ad-removal software did something diddly to it and i'm too lazy to re-install it.

time for me to be shamelessly blatant

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

there you go. i am satiated. all day long, i've been smiling and beaming thanks at the birthday wishes when all i wanted to do was scream out that AIEEE, I'm SIXTEEN! except of course, nobody likes a little birthday bragger so hah!

siim ynn and heng pei, thank you very much for my first ever miniature Inflatable Toy Boy. i LOVE it - and so does my p6 sister. is that disturbing?
no, i do not mind that it is only 20''. unless of course you're implying that i am short and hence, the doll's height would suffice. but you two are very nice people and i'm pretty sure you don't.

thank you aini for the Meiji birthday bear thing. you have provided proof that Emily was made for me since co-incidentally my birthday bear is entirely in red and black ala emily. i can now tell all the other poseurs to bugger off, the arseholes that they are. =D

thank you gennie for your NEW n0 sugar-added chupa-chup. i know you wanted it for yourself but graciously sacrificed it to me. i am deeply touched.

thank you all for the pledges of belated presents. i shall graciously wait in silence and will graciously forget if you conveniently forget as well.
thank you for the numerous butt pinches and wet smacks you gave me - i know you all take great joy in seeing my ears turn pink. *rolls eyes* oh the torment i go through just for your sake, tsk.

thank you CHARMAINE, my bestest best friend, my Lesbian Lover. my birthday wouldnt be the same without you. i am Timon, you are Pumbaa. i am SpongeBob and you, are Patrick Star.

*sniffles* i love you all.

and of couse, i thank myself and the present i got myself. dammit iz, that is one NICE bag you bought! lol. kidding~
well, it is though!
________________________________________________
is there something wrong with my tagboard? i have a feeling there's something off with the coding cuz it's not loading properly.

i hate twiddling with my lay-outs to get rid of this glitches.

honestly, i've never EVER had any problem like shifted pictures or weird tables with my red Emily lay-out. tsk tsk, what /does/ this prove?
_______________________________________________
warning: the next passage will be rather cryptic and the subject it's aimed at doesn't even read my blog but oh well. i apologize in advance if it happens to befuddle and annoy the hell out of you.

i think at times, that given the right oppurtunity - i might be able to do it. right now, it feels as if i am already half-way there. but i've never allowed myself to do so before and perhaps, because i never found anyone to feel that way about before.
but now i have. and yet, still.
this is restraint at my very best. it's probably the only aspect in my life that this trait comes into place and ironically here, it does more harm than good. i hold myself back because i am not sure. as usual. i am afraid, worried. a million thoughts cross my mind, fleeting ones and others that play on loop.
i would rather you not know this side of me.
wouldn't you like to know my greatest fear?
people say i could be wrong, that my fears have no basis and that you are what i want you to be and how you feel. i suppose logically, theoretically, they could be right.
but you see, i know better - i know how my life goes and you being how i want you to be just does not follow the flow of how events play out in my life.
my life is hardly one of fairytale happy endings. i hardly ever get what i want which is, in this case, you.
now did i just say that? please ignore it's significance. it is not the most important thing that i have to say.
mine is one of unrequited adoration and the receiving of affection from those i sadly cannot find within myself reciprocation. misfired arrows from a drunken cupid.
this is not to say i live a life of misery, i am happy merely talking to you i suppose. it's just that, i never get happy endings and i'm not expecting any. from this situation, or anything else life throws at me.

so yeah, convoluted, this is how i feel.

not that you asked or want to know [you don't even know], but here it is. right here on the world wide web for everyone to see and yet ironically, i know you won't. which is why it is here really.

just a bit of blabbering.

new layout. i still like my red emily one but i like this one for it's zen-ness? whatever. i'm in a state of complete blurness. i just woke up from a nap and let's just say my neurons aren't exactly at it's sharpest point right now. i have to go "research" for my CME project; Marriage and Parenthood.

what a complete bummer. i suppose i'm kinda disappointed with what we're doing [it's a team thingy] because i had this idea to do something more..radical but because it's now a last minute thingy, we're doing the oh so typical and boring powerpoint presentation. merph. *sighs* but oh well, i shall do my part as a team member - augh.
________________________________
today was the 5 item NAPFA. if any of you remember [which i really doubt], i have been for the past few weeks been praying for some sort of minor injury to get excused from it. well, i got my wish!
yesterday, i fell into a longkang.

yes, a longkang. the knee-high ones that line HDB estates for drainage etc. it was raining REALLY hard and i was at the carpark picking up my aunty with an umbrella. i tried to avoid the puddle of water on this patch of grass, mis-stepped and plonked my leg right into the longkang. *ouch*
and NOW i have to re-take it on wednesday. i'm glad it's not 2ml though, i'm not comfortable with some people in the classes taking it 2ml.
so today, i was the class's personal cheerleader - rah! rah! it was quite fun actually.

i'm not looking forward to wednesday.
_________________________________
i'm getting /somewhere/ on my art!

yay.

i've finished 2 prelim study boards which leave me...a whopping 6 more to do. and my final piece isn't even halfway done. diediedie

and my exams start in 2 weeks. really, i've got all the pieces placed in perfect co-ordination for a nervy breakdown.
_________________________________
ooh, i managed to catch Fight Club yesterday.

augh i LOVED it! other than the complete Sex Godliness of brad pitt all bruised up, the plot the directing the cinematography was a-mazing!

the mantras and philosophies - so morbidly zen.
"you are not a pretty snowflake." it sounded so familiar and i realized that it was a quote from draco sinister [cassandra claire] except draco went "i AM a pretty snowflake!"

the movie was beautiful. my mother was abit disturbed abt how i was raving and raving about it. i told to her finally accept the fact that her daughter is in fact, morbid and revels in the weird and strange.
she just shook her head. i get the feeling she can't wait to see me out of my adolescent phase and into the Sensible Adult stage.

i wished i had managed to catch the flick earlier but it must have been rated NC or something. ergh, that means the one i watched yesterday was heavily cut up by the censors *sighs*

oh and i found it hilarious by the fact that the character Marla, this goth-chick, was played by the same actress who plays Lady Olivia in the movie Twelfth Night i watched in school! she is so friggin' talented! [duh]
all through her scenes, i kept on flashback-ing of her in corsetted dresses and tumbling curls instead of the frizzed punk 'do she was wearing in Fight Club. and there was this one part when the lead guy was walking away from her just like the way Cesario/Viola walked away from Olivia, i was almost expecting her to suddenly go Wait! Tell me what dost thou think of me? in her desperate "OMG, i worship the ground you walk on! i want to have your kids!" way.

just wow.

i HAVE to get my hands on the book.

Singapore Chinese Girls' school


which secondary school (singapore) should you be in?
brought to you by Quizilla

16

i strangely find it a scary age. it's not another "nothing"/"nobody" age like 14 or 11. it's a definitive number and a huge part of me doesnt want to turn definitive. i like being 15.

i like roaming aimlessly around.

it's like when ppl do the lecture thing and ask you "how can you behave like this? don't you know how old you are?", answering that you're only 15 makes sense because well hey, you're still childish and it's ok.
but if you answer 16, what you get instead is rolled eyes and a general consensus that you should grow up and stop the immaturity. because you are a proper teenager and part of being one is actively trying to grow up and away from one.

at least, that's the message i've been getting.

it's the age when actual responsibility is handled. life-changing events are happening here. honestly i think its NUTS. why the hell are they giving us serious things to think about and to actually DECIDE on like whether you want to pass your 'O' [hah! yeah right.], jc/poly/overseas which of course means you have to decide NOW what you're planning to do 10 years from now.

what are you people THINKING?? do you actually believe i'm in a state to contemplate life-changing issues now?

hello?

right now, i'm concerned over petty little stuff and THAT alone i'm capable of obsessing about. i'm a hormonally unstable, psychologically teetering adolescent who's not even sure she doing the right thing TODAY and you want me to make decisions that will affect my life 10 years from now?

the thing is, i don't want to make mistakes. i don't want to turn towards a fork in the road and realize much much later that frock, i did the wrong thing and i can't turn back and i'll have to go through whatever crappy thing that comes my way.

AND ALSO of course, i don't want to grow up.

duh.

i don't want to give up my excuse of Immaturity.
and in about 4 days or so, i think i'll have to start Growing Up.


urgh, bummer.

when my alimentary canal decides to rebel.

i think i would have been better off born without the above-mentioned canal. no other part of my physical self [ok - except maybe my mouth] has caused me more trouble and trauma.

i hate gastric flu. it started halfway through school on tuesday but ddn give it much thought then because i thought it was just the stuffy hall that we were having the equally stuffy Councillor's Investiture in. i felt like crap but still i persisted in carrying out my day as planned instead of crawling back home to seek refuge because i had promised today would be my date with charmaine since we've hardly been able to spend time with each other *sniffles*. so we went for lunch [hah, with the abrupt addition of a certain somebody lol] and wandered around. oh, i went to one of the pillars and smushed my head against it in an effort to relieve my headache. it worked - for like 5 seconds. was it worth the stares of the shopkeeper? i think it was.

so i finally went home. and *drumroll* it started raining. my dearest mudder ordered me to take a shower which after much whining about how cold the water would be, i did.

was the water cold? let's see, i wasnt only shivering, my teeth weren't only chattering - i was hyperventilating. *glares at mother*

she refused to believe i was sick even though i came home withering like a wiliting [ie. decomposing] flower. she only came to the coclusion that OMG, he daughter WAS sick 3 hours later, several incresed degrees and frequent trips to the loo. AUGH.

but what-ever. i am still here at home. i've got 3 toilets here, all fully equipped with lots of tissue, hoses and reading material. it's everything that i would not be able to get at school.

i take comfort in the little things like watching the Oprah Show [surprisingly, i really like it!], Spongebob and several travel documentaries [2 of which were features on Japan] while my peers are toiling away in the boredom of english and biology lessons. like, whoo!
in the comfort of my home, i can look ugly and sloppy in my old clothes whereas at school, i'd still have to make sure my shirt was tucked in and all that sort of palaver.

so other than the painful cramps and the horrid bouts of nausea, it's all quite fun.

yeah, right.
but today's April's Fool. ergh, what a terrible waste. bummerbummerbummer.

as my mother would say - skoodee-dooda!


*on a brighter note, because of all the purging that's been done, my tummy is considerably flatter.
___________________________________________
i'm still not sure what i've just gotten myself into be joining rmun. like, what was i thinking?? what if i screw up in front of not only other schools, but BIG schools.

right. i wasn't thinking.

breathe iz. breaaathe



*runs off in hysteria, conveniently in the direction of IMH*

oh gawd oh gawd, what was i thinking?? their all like, DEBATERS and I can't remember the last time i made a speech to a group of ppl other than my class. and it's so political - i feel absolutely clueless.
the only way i see for me to make through this is to bluff my way through and pretend i know what's going on.

yes. i'll just pretend! wahahahahaha. one thing i learned today on mtv. in hip-hop lingo, bootsie means phony. so i'll just be a bootsie and somehow, hope i wont mortally humiliate myself.

i hate these "i feel ugly/stupid" days.

i suppose it's due to my riding the crimson tide. it's really horrid this month. the cramps are really killer and they don't really fade away. at it's best, they linger in a really annoying way. hah, it rhymes!

ergh, and i really hate my mood swings. i know it's completely unfair for those around me to endure them. one moment i'm hyperactive and all yibber-yabber and the next, i become this sullen, snarly person.
actually, this happens a lot already on normal days but it really becomes worse when i'm hormonally unstable as well.
it's quite funny how i can suddenly go all Hyde. what happens is a certain rather neutral thought catches a snag on my brain and i dwell on it and the more i do, the more negative it warps.

i am muchos pathetic, no?

and the thing is in my dark periods, i consciously KNOW that i have no right to behave so childishly and that i should probably kick myself in the arse. i KNOW that all i am is being immature and petty and then i can't stand myself.

so what's today's point of depression? see title.

well, yeah! i know it' so typical teen angst and its eye-roll inducing because it's not like im DUMB and/or butt-ugly. how is it possible then that i so sincerely feel so?

it's ruined.

i googled Rodrigo Santoro aka Karl and my life is now over.

i've seen to many photos of him NOT being karl.

all i see are photos of him looking sex godly in a hulking testosterone model kind of way.
him as a surfer.
him as a model.
him on the red carpet beaming as the cameras flash.
him being everything but karl.

i want Karl.

i just don't think i can think of him as Karl anymore. From now on, he'll just be another good-looking macho model.

oh the tragedy of it all!

i need to get the vcd. other than the fact that i really do love the movie, it shall remind me of my Ideal, Perfect and Impossible Man.

Love, Actually. [again]

i rented the vcd yesterday because my mudder's been wanting to watch it for eons but hasn't been able to catch it. she adores Hugh Grant. [and co-incidentally, doesn't like Colin Firth because he was the Good Guy and made Hugh look like a complete arse in Bridget Jones].

so ANYWAYS, watching it for the second time round really brought me back to memories of Our Day At Bugis With the Big Fountain.

*sighs*

like you know at the point when Kiera Knightley finds out her husband's best friend is in love with her and he walks out of his house and Dido starts playing? i could actually hear andrea singing along like she did that day.
and when Karl and that girl was about to get it on, it flashed to me how bern popped her head over to where i was sitting and said "pass me a bucket to drool in!" and how haz and vince were all looking ratherdejected at how we were swooning.
and of course the cooing out of certain people when Alan Rickman and Colin Firth came on screen.

*sighs* happier days.

times like these, i'm really glad for my photographic memory. i really..[i dont think there's a replacement for this sappy and puke-inducing word] treasure the snippets of happy days and good times that i've managed to capture.

like the time we were at the Youth Park playing Dare-Dare and that guy mooned us. i was recounting the experience to my friends and i realized i didn't remember how he left us because we were laughing too hard.
*sniffles*
_________________
back to the topic:

i managed to catch nuances of the movie that i missed the first time round because i was just having too much fun laughing and just being happy.
i noticed the contrast of atmospheres when scenes changed and all things that are taken note off in literature.
i noticed the beautiful, dignified, quiet pain and brilliant acting when emma thompson found out she was being cheated on by SNAPE no less!
i noticed the gorgeous Kiera Knightley sounding so silly and so clueless when she said "i look quite prettay." when she was watching the video of her wedding.
and i appreciated the silent agony of the best friend guy even more.

and who can forget Karl? he is after all, the Ultimate Sex God. i of course, notice the subtler nuances of his sex god-liness; his glasses. yes, his spectacles.

he looked good in the office and all what with him lugging the poster-tube thing around..but i forgot nearly all of it after watching him without his clothes on.[hello? who wouldn't? lol] this time around, i noticed how he kept on pushing up his wire-rim glasses and i didn't realize it then but geez, it really added to his sexiness. it adds this tinge of vulnerablity that reduces me to a puddle of izyanti.

i'm shamelessly lusting after you Karl! not the actor but you Karl, i want to make you miney-miney-MINE.

it was so hot.

honestly, his glasses-pushing habit was even sexier than him nearly naked. hrm, maybe it's just me.

maybe i just have a thing for cute guys with a slightly geeky edge. sure, i may go 'woah' at the swaggering, cocky guys but it's the geeks my heart belongs to!! =D

like there was at this one time last year i had this heee-uge crush on this guy and he one day changed his glasses and i was one of the only ones who noticed. i suppose it wasnt /that/ significant a change [from navy wire-rims to black ones] but I noticed! lol, i kept staring at them that day.
--how embarrassing--

just a note.

i think i'll like to add why i was so worked up over not studying for my test.

usually, i'm quite cool with stuff like that. or at least, i used to. half the time, i never studied for tests, and then the ones i studied for - i always flunked them anyway.

but this year, i've been PASSING. i've actually been ddoing decently well for my chemistry.

and the mere thought of failing, of doing badly for a test scares me. it scares the SHIT outta me. i didn't want to flunk.

it became a mantra in my head. the thought of seeing a red mark and my teacher's disappointed face after all the encouraging smiles i've been receiving was petrifying.

i was deathly afraid that if i failed this one, it would be the end. i would fall back into my old pattern of flunking every test. i didn't want to go back to my old ways.

the fear, it wasnt just a worry. a typical anxiety.

it gripped my entire core and nobody knew about it. which made it even worse. people dont see how i've been working harder and how i've been EARNING my As and the Bs that used to be Cs and Ds. they dont see it.

i was so friggin terrified on the way to school. i flipped through some material on the bus and i couldnt do ANY of the bloody equations. i felt so stupid. it was painful.

i'm a perfectionist at times. the trait has managed to taint a new part of my life. i HAD to do well.

if i didnt, life would end they way it had been going.



i know it's all melodramatic but the strange this is, it made perfect logical sense in my head a few days ago. everything sounded rational and..normal.





i dont know what'll happen if i do flunk. i honestly don't.

it's just that, after working so hard - climbing up to where i know i should belong instead of loitering around at the bottom of the pile, to fall down would be..eternal damnation? lol.
it'll be more like, Life telling me that i didnt belong Up there and that i should know my place and just go home. as if Life was just taunting me by giving me a taste of what it's like before pulling me back down and laughing and asking me if i had actually though i was worthy and good enough to be there.

i think.

i never know anything anymore.
i'm never sure.

nabbed this off kass!

[8 songs that get stuck in your head frequently]
1. Here without you; 3 doors down
2. Love is only a feeling; the darkness
3. Lost in you; sugababes
4. Don't Panic; coldplay
5. shark food; starsailor
6. love is here; starsailor
7. fidelity; starsailor
8. Faithfulness; skin

[4 beverages you drink frequently]
1. Anything with a ridiculous amount of sugar in it.
2. ribena!
3. um, this grass jelly thing they have at my school
4.

[4 places to go in your area]
1. Popular Megastore [augh, they closed it down!]
2. jurong point for fooood
3. take the 190 to orchard and roam about
4. you could got to Lot 1. if you want tod ie of boredom that is.

[4 things to do when you're bored]
1. sleep
2. doodle
3. do spongebob-y stuff
4. sleep.

[4 things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. buying a really great cd.
2. crazy antics with my friends in class
3. proving my english teacher wrong
4. finding a $50 note on the ground. [never happened b4 but hey, i can stilll hope!]
*5. [need to add this] when somebody FINALLY buys me an iPod.

[4 things you can't live without]
1. my discman and the minimum four cds i lug around.
2. paper and a nice black ink pen to doodle with
3. the computer. which would be a useless lump of plastic if not for the internet connection
4. moments of sheer insanity with my buds.

[about 10 years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in K1 and my uniform was a pink dress. :|
2. i pulled the head of my barbie. [accidentally, i swear!]
3. nearly drowned.

[about 2 years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in sec 2 and quite miserable in my class
2. i chopped off my ponytail!
3. started actively liking lit.

[about 1 year ago *list three things*]
1. CAP. wait - does it count? i suppose it's not a year AGO but it WAS last year, so.
2. um, had my first MAJOR fight with my best friend. silence for and *gasp* 4 hours! lol.
3. suffered a.math


[today...]
1. sang cheesy boyband songs in class
2. struggled through my 12th Night questions. ooh, we finally finished it!
3. exploded/terrorized a bunch of sec 1s


[10 things you love]
1. sleep
2. cassansra claire’s draco malfoy
3. having money when I find something I like
4. the ever elusive iPod
5. caaandyy
6. dropping a.maths
7. being in the art room while others are toiling in boring classes like bio
8. skipping PE
9. making people laugh
10. my class [er, 95% of them] and madCAPpers! =D

[7 things you hate]
1. malay compos
2. our principal, Herr Hitler
3. the Parental Authorities when their being well, authoritarian
4. crowds
5. minahs in Emily
6. no-inspiration days in the art room
7. taking the bus to school in the morning

[7 things on your desk]
1. the clock-radio thing that’s been unplugged for the past 5 months
2. candy wrappers
3. a bunch of unused/spoiled pens
4. unknown mass of papers
5. graffiti
6. notebooks filled with general Crap
7. wires attached to the chargers for my handphone and discman

[7 facts about you]
1. i have a quick temper
2. just because I love to warble doesn’t mean I CAN sing.
3. music junkie.
4. ice-skating is funfunfun
5. it’d be nice if I stop downloading music but oh well..
6. I want the iPod.
7. I really, really want the iPod.

[8 artists/bands people should give a listen to]
1. evanescence
2. starsailor
3. 3 Doors Down
4. Skunk Anansie
5. Bic Runga
6. alanis morrisette
7. tata young. [YEAH. RIGHT.]
8. greenday

[5 things you like about the opposite sex]
1. when they change after pe! Ok, fine. I’m tokking about a particular person.
2. it’s amusing and fascinating to hear their perspective
3. it’s a laugh to see them drool over girls
4. when they let down their “I’m tough.” façade when they get away from their pack.
5. when they sing. If they can. But when they can’t, it’s still sorta funny.

[4 things you would eat on the last day of your life]
1. candy
2. my mudder’s laksa
3. ribena lol
4. ice-kachang

[4 CD's from your collection that you will never get tired of]
1. Evanescence. [my burnt album of Origin]
2. starsailor. Both albums
3. bic runga!
4. burnt cds of coldplay!!

[6 celebrities you would have sex with] (Erm.... lust after is one thing, but...)
1. Rodrigo Santorio as Karl. With his glasses on.
2. Jeremy Sumpter as Peter Pan when he /finally/ grows up.
3. Spike from BTVS. Oh yum =D
4. Adrien Brody *beams*
5. stuart townsend as Lestat.
6. /that/ guy from LostProphets
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i've been wanting to put this up for quite some time.

my friend was browsing through the internet looking for pictures of tatu. she accidentally chanced upon this website and a picture caught her eye. her thoughts were [in chronological order] -

"why's that woman sucking a thumb?"
"that's a really big thumb."
"how come the thumbs dripping stuff?"
"that's not a thumb."

lol.
_________________________________________
i was really in an irritable mood yesterday. no doubt it was cuz from monday to wednesday i was struggling iwth my homework and 12th Night questions [act 1 to act 4] and only went to bed at 2am and on thursday, crashed and burned. i reached home at 6.30 took a shower and sat down on my bed at 7 for a little shut-eye. when i woke up, it was 6am. it pissed me off a LOT because i had a chem test and because i was thoroughly unconscious, did NOT study for.

and i knew i was gonna flunk it because the grape vine said it had a lot of mole calculations.

so dwelling on this thought, i was studying during pe. i told my teacher i wasnt feeling well which WAS true. i felt like crap. and with my face, i bet i didnt look good either.
SO, i was sitting with a bunch of my friends cramming for the test when this bunch of kids came with VOLLEYBALLS and started playing near us- if you could call it playing. they were crap.
and you know i hate being around bouncing balls and when one of them landed like inches away frommy friend's foot, i screamed at them. i think they got a bit scared, them ickle sec ones. hrm. probably because i was all "FOCK YOU." and threatening them with a very painful death if the ball came that close to us again. so with the New Experience of being screamed at by a senior, they left for a quiet place AWAY from us.

so all was good. i started breathing properly again and we went back to memorizing structures for macromolecules and the fine difference between proteins and carbohydrate chains.

then, a ball hit my head.

i exploded.

i leapt up, and started lambasting the poor kid who was cowering and saying sorry sorry, accident accident. he was actually petrified, i think. i suppose my jabbing my finger at him and me in Full Rage is quite scary.
i'm trying to remember what i screamed at him, but i can't quite remember. all i can recall is shouting "that's it!" before turning to him and the kid looking quite pale. it's like all white noise, i wasnt even aware of my brain functioning.

my friends were quite shocked. they never had seen me like that. they were abit happy that i manaed to shoo off the annoying buggers but still shocked.

i think i was a bit shell-shocked myself.







i felt muchos better afterwards though.

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
"You do not know the power of the Dark
Side." There are two possibilities: you
are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly
scary.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i am a hypocrite. oh goody, another flaw i can add to my already long list.

i ate a disturbingly large amount of food today. i blame this on our week-long holiday. when i was out, all i did was hang around and eat. when i was at home, all i did was hand around and eat. i'd drop by shops and supermarkets to stock up on junk food to munch while with my friends so conversations usually go like this -

"have you done any *munch* homework?"
"nope. i've got virgin homework. pure and *munch* untouched."
"whoo, same here! oh you have Pringles! yumness."
"are you planning do actually do any then?"
"do what?"
"um, what were we talking about?..can i have that cherry Skittle?"
"oh look! 7-11!! ..slurpee!"

yerp, that's pretty much how my holidays went.

at home my mum would ask me what i was doing when i came down from my room. i'd grab more food and mumble something academic-oriented to appease her and go back up and lie down on the floor to stare at my ceiling.

so just how does this connect with my sudden increased appetite? see, this junking phase is quite usual for me during month long holidays but it starts at the FIRST week and typically tapers down by mid-month. but since the rectent break was mere week, i'm still on Junk on Food Mode.
___________________________________________
i have a love-hate relantionship with my art teacher. most of the time, he's fantastic, always cracking jokes with us even though he's this reaallly old guy and gives us rides to the MRT station. so nce of him.

but i do hate him when he tries to "help" me with my work. he tries to impose his ideas to improve it but it just doesnt click and he just can't seem to get that.

AUGH.

and this always make me feel horrid and all full of depress-osity because being typically me, i always have this fear of being not good enough and by trying to IMPROVE my piece means it's not GOOD ENOUGH. that it's SUB-STANDARD. BELOW PAR. and the thing is, i dont mind knowing this - it's what my brain tells me 24/7 but for someone ELSE to tell me indirectly [meaning: not constructive criticism], it just kills me.

and i'm NEVER happy with my art pieces. so if for a rare moment i am sorta hapy with what i'm doing, and you just RUIN it...augh.

It was going to be a dark and stormy night. izyanti looked out of the window and saw a dark sheet of grey. she wondered how come she never realized the pillars outside her home were painted grey before realizing that it was actually the sky. she opened the window and poked her head out. a gust of wind carrying the smell of rain greeted as the sky sent down a bolt of lightning. she smiled and went back to the bed where she had plopped herself down. She cracked open her mother's health book and proceeded to tear open a bag of artificially-flavoured sweet toxins as she flipped through the passages proclaiming the goodness of a healthy diet.
_______________________________________________
i will never be able to look/eat a piece of chicken again.

my mother asked me to clean the chicken she bought in the morning and in my sleep induced daze, i agreed. i had not realized that it would mean handling a corpse then.

a dead chicken is a gross thing. they don't look very good when alive i think but look even worse when dead and chopped into convenient halves. and i didn't even have to gut it and it was already icky enough.
honestly, i was not sure how to define a "clean" chicken. it's a carcass and i didn't think it was a wise idea to wash it with soap as my brother had suggested.

it was a rather weird experience really. they have this layer of mucus thing that you kinda rip off the flesh. and to remove any stray feathers. i had cut alot of tubey things before realizing omg, those were ARTERIES. augh, the bio student in me clicked on and i was suddenly aware of the muscle tissue that had a specific function, that once helped the bone [wing] to move and then my mind moved on to how this was some time back a clucking feathered BEING. and it was now in my hands and i was ripping and cutting tissue from it. and then i went on to wonder whether this was how we looked like. and THEN i started thinking that ich, if I'M grossed out already and not feeling like eating chicken for lunch, how the hell do cannibals do it?? it's on a completely higher plane of disgust-osity.

the ickiest part was the neck. i have no idea why my mother had the neck since nobody eats it anyway. so there i was snipping the fat etc. when the scissors went to deep and out came this think black thread. eew. it took a second for it to occur to me that it was the SPINAL CORD. augh. it was really ugly so i snipped the bit that had come out and BLOOD SPURTED OUT. my face had twisted up into what i'm sure was a really ugly grimace. so ick. i closed my eyes and ripped the whole thread out. eeew.

my brain kept going on and on about the neorones and the dendrites and what happens at the synapse and i could NOT shut it up!

and there was this bit of musle tissue near the rib cage. it was all dark red an squishy. i wasn't going to touch it except i didn't want it to accidentaly end up on my plate later so had to remove it. sensory wise, this was THE gross moment. it felt like a really soft, swollen and mushy RASPBERRY. imgaine trying to pick a raspberry from a crevice thing and when you do, all the liitle bumps on the berry BURSTS. that's how it felt like. muchos ick.

but you know what's slightly disturbing? i found it satisfying to rip and cut away the fatty bits and mucus thing. -- strange -- i don't think i'll mind doing it the next time round. how morbid, but i actually found the entire experience quite fun in a gross way.

be warned however, of cleaning prawns. i had to do it once and now steadfastly REFUSE to do so. EVER. it's even grosser because when you remove it's head, all the SHIT and BRAIN oozes out and its this disgusting mic of puke yellow, green and brown. AND it hurts. they have this sharp thingies at it's head and tail that give you really nasty small cuts that sting like fuck.

bummer.

my mudder wants to end our our cable subscribtion next month. like, augh! how am i suppose to get my healthy dosage of spongebob? Kids Central shows all the olde episodes..

i'll miss spongebob. and patrick.
and as told by ginger.
and the rare entertaining episodes of All That.
and even stevens.

i'll miss my cartoons and lame shows.

..maybe i'm over-reacting.

maybe not.









but i'm still pissed nonetheless.

wahahaha, i found the link to the iPod murder thingy i found!! iPod; a murder weapon.
____________________________________

why is the media harping on tata young? how much did her manager pay them to have her EVERYWHERE?
honestly, i dont think im the only one who finds her..annoying. she is such a mediocre singer, her song has obviously been touched up in the studio. it cant even pass off as excellent pop crap because it does not even stand out! sexy naughty bitchy. like augh, so what?

they keep playing her vid on mtv and it's really exasperating! it's tacly and looks like something britney and christina would have done like 5 years ago. she's not even remarkably gorgeous.

because she's Cleo's cover girl, i am not buying this month's issue even though i am missing out on the free lippie and if it's the April issue, my birthday horoscope.

is it because she happens to be Asian? i dont remember the media harping this much when Urban Xchange first came out. just because she's female with legs.

get over it! it's such a waste of front covers and "precious" MTV time. support asian talent? frankly speaking, WHAT talent?

she's
- pretty
- um.....

i can't think if any redeeming thingies for her. other than the fact that she is very malleable. as in, the record company find it easy to push, prod and mould her into the next one-hit wonder.

thinking about it now, she's a poor thing. her fame will last barely 15 minutes before she joins the dusty halls of the Macerena and um, cant remember any other one-hit wonders. see, proves my point exactly! she'll soon be thrown back into thailand doing what failed celebrities do - lament and drown their sorrows on alcohol OR sink into denial and throw themselves at second and third-rate tabloids to give them the rush of being in the limelight.

the poor deluded souls.

OR, just as likely, she might /actually/ succeed. i can see it happening. has happened before. i mean, look at the now defunct Atomic Kitten! i though they would die out after their second release but no...i was proved wrong.

what difference would it make anyway? the music industry is already so full of crap. the space she'll waste at HMV etc. is absolutely negligible.

and i still don't like hip-hop.

and techno.

but strangely, i honestly like the songs they played on the OLD version of Seseme Street. i really do.
__________________________________________

so there's this guy i know who i thought with all reason was pretty decent. an average guy with no qualities that make you wish a plague of giant locusts would lift him and dump him into the shittiest place you can think of [right now, it would be Bush's election campain speeches for me].

but now i think he probably deserves this treatment.

and why? because i've just read his recent blog entry and it screams "i'm an insensitive, arseholic jerk!" in neon paint with big flashing light bulbs. i feel a huge inclination to reveal his name and to give the link to his blog as well but i dont think i shall because of ethical reasons. this means i'm still debating on it and am not sure what to do yet.
alright, so his entries have always had hints if his jerk-osity but i just brushed it off because hey, everybody has their own prejudices and pieces of Arsehole and nobody's perfect so no judgement there.

but this is IT. i can't believe his audacity! [and you know what? he occasionally DOES read my blog. so i'm hoping he sees this] and what makes it even worse is that he's not being insensitive because he's an IDIOT in which i could probably half forgive him because well, it's not his fault if he was born an idiot and hence, ignorant.
what he did, cannot in any WAY claim ignorance as an excuse. the sickening thing is, he KNOWS what he is doing is SICK and WRONG and WARPED and whot the fuck, you're in Raffles Instituition! [there. guess who I'M talking about!] so hello, since you're what, the top 3% in Singapore - where the frocking hell is your shred of decency?? where the hell were you when they were passing it out before you were born? oh wait, i know - you probably thought you were TOO good for it didn't you?

figures. i am NEVER sending my kid [in the future] to an elitist top school even if he's a genius. i'd rather he toil through a normal neighbourhood school than risk turning out like YOU.

and he likes hip-hop.
hah! *smirks*
_____________________________________________
and don't give me the crap that since it's his blog, he has the right to say whatever he wants because hey, i'm not denying that.
but since he willingly posted it up, it is also open to criticism and the like. i normally dont like to judge people and avoid doing so [hence, my brief friendship with him], but this time, i guilt-free JUDGE.

he is a TOP-GRADE jerk.

number four!!

i am uber pathetic.

but no matter.

heheh, i read this newspaper article online which i find quite funny. it's entirely possible that the whole thing is made up, but hilarious nonetheless.

it's about this girl who's being charged for murder of her boyfriend. so why did she murder him? he was protesting against her downloading music and deleted her 2000 songs on her iPod that took her 3 months to compile. she was so furious, she used her iPod and bashed him on the head several times till he well, died.

the iPOd, the new high-tech weapon of choice for the new generation of murderers.
____________________________________________
once in a while, my mind drifts over back to how i had used him. it happened a lonng time ago but i still feel bad. a bit.
then i remember how he wasn't a complete saint either and i feel much better. lol.
besides, i learnt an invaluable lesson from the whole incident so it's not a complete..shitty..thing.

*shrugs*

it's amazing how i can pretend not to know someone so well. he's the only one i know who does it as well as me. funny.
..something like that.
____________________________________________

recently, i've been wearing this bright light green hairband that i bought in an impulse. i've noticed that people have been kinda staring at it which is funny cuz since i'm short, it looks kinda weird when they walk by and their eyes look at the top of my head.

..just a random note.
_____________________________________________

what i did today.

proof how dwelling i am on that esprit jacket. went causeway point to get my malay dictionary tht conveniently has english translations etc. malay compos, here i come! dropped by esprit and went to look at the jacket. saw and went away sighing.
then i went to jurong point for lunch [at 4pm] and co-incidentally, there's an esprit there as well! whee, so i went in again to try it on.

and you know what? i don't think i want to get it anymore. funny huh? not funny haha, but well, funny. i'm just rambling.
i don't know, it seemed so much nicer when tried it on yesterday than today.

oh well. doesn't matter much. i still dont have money for it.

ooh, there was an Emily bag i saw. quite nice but wasnt really worth it. it was a simple pleather WHITE sling. thinking about it now, it wasnt really nice at all. thank gawd i didnt buy it, ya? and besides, i've sworn off shoulder and sling bags for the sake of my well, shoulders. they've gone through enough trauma for the past 2 years. *sighs*
_____________________________________________
realized that this is my THIRD post today alone. AUGH.

other people are hardly updating their blogs and what have i been doing?? does this mean i have nothing else better to do and this is made even worse by the fact that other people DO!! augh augh augh!

*runs off in hysteria*

and their not exactly quality posts anyway. i am a waste of space.
lol, i like how that sounds
_____________________________________________

still dwelling on That esprit jacket.

hah, i think the only reason i'm dwelling on it is because i'm curently supposed to be doing my malay letter. [write a formal letter to the LTA requesting them to build an overhead bridge for the congested road beside you school. state reason why the bridge is needed.] *sighs* it sounds SO much better in english.

anyway, can anyone spare me like, $130? if you do, i promise to love and adore and..umm, thank you. augh, i WAAANT.

i've actually seen it a couple a times. walked past it, touched it, cooed about it to my friends who ignore me as they drool over the PINK clothes but i've never tried it on because i dont like trying on clothes in my school uniform and besides i feel ugly most of the time in it lol. but i did yesterday.

it fits me PERFECTLY. it feels so nice...augh.

alrightey then, enuff dilly-dallying. i shall go offline and re-attempt the Malay Mission.

constipated

no, i'm NOT talking about the state of my bowel system. it's fine, thank you very much.

i'm referring to how i feel when it comes to writing in malay. i suppose a lot of other non-mothr tongue oriented people feel this way too but hey, this blog isnt about them, it's about me lol.

my mudder dragged me off to sit in for this malay course alll the way on the far eastern side of Singapore, Kembangan. man, who LIVES there??
so anyway, they [notice i didnt say "we"] were doing letter-writing. whee, what fun. augh, so i was supposed to write, meaning my pen was supposed to be moving over the thin paper, forming MALAY words if not forming smooth and PROPER sentences.

but i couldn't.

it was like writing with a ball-point pen that had been dropped. the..sentences, let alone, passages refuse to flow. and yet, their somewhere in my mind. hiding, stuck. i feel constipated.

i feel stupid.

it's like, i can usually so effortlessly write but when put into a malay environment, my mind goes *kapoot*.

and malay is honestly a beautiful language. good malay poetry can so much more mellifluos than english poetry. hah, it'll be even more beautiful to me if i actually UNDERSTOOD it.
but i don't.

it's my language. i know all the technicalities of letter-writing etc but it's not gonnal help much if i can't even write will it?? and my vocab SUCKS.

and the thing is, the more i realize how incompetent i am, the longer i dwell on it - the more my hand is paralysed when it comes to writing. it becomes some sort of mental block. a barrier.

and my O's are in JULY. i am so dead.
__________________________________________

was at kino ystd with my mudder. she offered to get me something so i wandered over to the Emily stuff and you know what i realized? i couldn't bear to buy any of it. becaus eof i bought either of the two books, i'd pour over the amazing graphics, carefully flipping through. but that would be it.

if i got one of the GORGEY journals or the completely useless but BYOOTIFUL address book, i also wouldn't touch it because i wouldnt want to defile the pages with my writing. i would put in on my shelf. and stare and caress [uh, dodgy] for months before i finally pick up a pen. i'd probably hate myself as i write the first few words. and i'd feel a need to write something important, something worthwhile in it. not just inane, irrational ranting - which would probably end up with me and my pen hovering over the blank page for /ages/ contemplating what to write before giving up and lovingly putting it back on the shelf.

geez, i have issues.
but still, i wouldnt mind if anybody gets it for me. lol.
________________________________________
random note: i was brushing my teeth when i realized that when i squint my eyes and grin reaalllly hard, i look like a hamster. or a chipmunk.

ooh.
________________________________________
-- bimbo alert --

i need shoes. i'm not usually a shoe girl and only get them when i NEED them which is good i suppose. the bad thing in this current situation is that i feel the need for various types of shoes.

- i want something girly to wear with my jeans. not TOO feminine, and DEFINITELY not pink. something with kitten heels! quirky.

- boots. NOT thigh-high, heeled whore boots siak. i want them clunky and preferably black. since i seriously doubt i'd be getting the $500 pair i saw at suntec, i saw a rather nice pair at mango in collaboration with Gola. it's black suede i think with orange details. ..nice.

- sneakers! though if i get the above two, i'd probably forgo this one.

ooh, and i saw this really nice jacket at esprit yesterday. it's a on the rock, motorcycle-chick side but with a touch of femininity. it's black obviously. *sighs* i waaaaant.

i survived! ..continued

what i did for four hours of malay-ness.

- listen to my discman
- drawing cartoons on my lecture notes
- actively practising reverse psychology but loudly proclaiming "i want to be here!"
- counting how many ppl had lobed/unlobed earlobes. [funny word. lobes]
- staring at this girl in front of me who had /really/ gorgeous hair. HOW did she get it so glossy?
- falling asleep and ending up with a neck ache.
- doing the one-man Kallang Wave when my teacher when up to make his lecture. [the shortest one at a mere 20 minutes! whoo him!]
- eating tasteless and empty curry puffs.
- suddenly singing lines from Coldplay and Skin.
- randomly underlining and circling words and phrases in my notes in case my mother wants to see them.
- counting how many cute guys there were who i wished weren't Mats.
- counting how many significantly gorgeous girls there were from other schools
- counting the many familiar faces from perhaps, my primary school.
- cheering when the last and most boring lecturer finally finished.

went to kino afterwards to pour over the graphic art books. like, woah. i never get bored there. i would be so happy just to be locked up in there with bags of junk food and my fuzzy green sweater for a couple of days. i'd probably emerge smarter lol. or schizophrenic - mental overload of too much information from too many genres. --heaven--

makes me realize how i haven't been reading much recently. partly because like i mentioned a few posts ago, i have library fines due. also, i've been busy. what a lame excuse but oh so true. i simply don't have the leisure time anymore to randomly browse through the libraries. of the curse of living a life of Purposefullnes.

i also realized [whoa, Epiphany Day lol] that since i've stopped listening to the radio since early last year, my tatse in music has changed drastically. which is another reason why KaZaa rocks. Since i'm no longer immersed in the pop scene of teenybopper music, i've been backtracking and listening to already defunct bands like Skunk Anansie. they deserve so much more credit than they got.
___________________________
Burnt Like You

You’ll always be a born
Worn out loser
Still blaming all of us
For your bad choosing

No I can’t watch the same mistake
Waiting for the boys to turn out straight
No I can’t run the same dog race
And get burnt like you

You’re swollen in the gut
From all those last nights
Still swinging vodka punches
That don’t land right

- Skin
_____________________________

went to the Centerstage thingy at acs yesterday. what a RIOT! so funnay. i still remember a few lines from it.
one of the mc bantering;
"you think you're so great, you think you're so clever. but look at me, i'm so much better. i don't think."

wahaha.

and lip glossed and powdered haz acting SO blonde. *pokepoke*

i feel bad for the 3rd play. they were okaaay but because the one before them were really good, they paled in comparison. oh welly well.

i'm still wondering how they made the fake cigg puff out smoke. i'm pretty sure dry ice in the mouth is out of the question lol.

the Filipina servant guy was really funnay. but it got me thinking how throughout the whole thing, there were really, REALLY alot of racial jokes. not racist because they weren't like negative stuff. it was a continuing thread throughout ALL the plays, lines and puns that highlighted their presence. i'm not sure what to make out of it.

augh, the guest actresses were GORGEOUS. talk about a sudden onset of an inferiority complex. they had such great figures and were so..bollywood. [although co-incidentally, i noticed that one of them was wearing a skirt that was disturbingly similar to one my friend bought at This Fashion. hah! merp, i'm just being catty.]
but honestly, i am SO not gonna send my kid to a girl's school. you'd know what i mean if you were there. the screaming/shrieking. my ears were RINGING. ooh, rhymes.
__________________________________________

since i was at the bloody malay workshop, i obv missed the rmun briefing. AND the pizza hut treat they got from our dahling ms. tay.

damn.

i got haiti.

um. i called my mum to ask her where it was and it turns out hey, it's NOT anywhere near hawaai. which makes sense, because i was thinking hello, hawaai - american state. an island near american coast? so where the HELL is haiti?

turns out, somewhere near the carribean! ooh. from the randomly clicked googled articles i found on the internet bout good ol' haiti, they've got a really tumultous history AND present. not sure what part i have muc to play bout it though since i'm NOT in the social and economic council. can someone please tell me the significance of the General Assembly? cuz from what i remember from last year's SS crash course on the UN is that it's basically the bunch of people who vote to decide motions and stuff?

i feel like, such a ditz.

i still fear humiliating myself by saying something that would expose how much i dont know.
you think i should instead wear a sign proclaiming "don't ask me, i'm dumb and unreliable."? so if i actually say something intelligent, they'd be impressed and if i [most likely] DON'T, it'd be expected since hah, i'd ALREADY warned them!!!

whoo, problem solved.
____________________________________
eew. the smell of fertilizer is wafting through the house. can't. breathe.
_______________________________________
ok, this is weird and kinda scary. i'm typing and it suddenly really hurts to breathe. and not in the usual lung area where you'd expect it'd to be but at my LOWER BACK area. there's a sudden pain when in inhale properly.

oh geez. shud i tell my Mudder and freak her out?
____________________________________________

am i getting boring?

i think my entries are becoming increasingly mundane. oh well. tis the truth - i am not a very interesting person at times.

the moment i stepped out of the house today, it started raining and the downpour has not stopped at all for the entire day. the sky persists on peeing.

i think it's amazing that the sky can hold that much water.
______________________________________

rain affects my brain. we were going through our seeds and germination worksheet during biology today and my teacher was talking about the factors that allow the seeds that are dispersed by air to buoyant. the word caught in me and my friend's head and we started going "boy-ant. boyy-ant." it's really a funny-sounding word. and to accompany the funny sounds, we started floatily swaying from side to side pretending to be wind-dispersed seeds.

we did explosive seeds after that. --boom--

oh and then i saw charmaine waving her hands frantically in front of her and i asked her what the fuck she was doing. it turns out she was doing a "one-man Kallang wave"!! lol, so i joined in. predictably.

augh, bio is so BORINGG. and especially now that we're doing PLANTS. i mean, who cares what the calyx is and why the lateral bud is there. or why some have ovaries and how the bloddy pollen burrows itself in. though the last bit was quite interesting.

stupid plants.
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im frantically downloading and burning cds.
and the reason why i am makes me so HAPPY.

oh, and the UN briefing thing is this saturday. i bet we'll be getting some quiet country.

and i'm still dwelling in the though that i might just make a complete arse of myself there. oh well.

on the other hand, i get to wear a blazer later on! wahahahahaha, up yours O people who think students like me will never have a chance to wear the bloody blazer [ie. do something tht the school would be proud off] nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh!!
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he is honestly, vereh cute.

but after my last disasterous crush, i'm VERY wary about falling into another infatuation.

geez, i scare myself looking back how i was so obsessed with the guy. *shudders* i was completely delusioned.
-blinks- i hope he never finds out how bad it was.

it was a vicious cycle. he kinda ddn noe i existed and the more unattainable he was, the more obsessed i got. terrible. a period of complete misery and yet, i indulged in it.

it was fun at first. you know, the typical harmless buzz. then. . . *shrugs* i dont quite know how it became that warped but it did.

seeing my friends in relantionships, claiming proudly and so confidently that the love each other, i feel very..skeptical.
i dont think it's possible to LOVE somebody at our age. at the most, puppy love but real love is just too big for an immature bunch of kids to handle. i think it requires patience and commitment even when things aren't going out so fine and you know us with our MTV-attention span. the moment it no longer amuses us or it "cramps our style", we move on.
_________________________________________

it's still raining.
_________________________________________

people are blogging less and less now that school's started. it's unfun for me but i suppose it's good. less blogs to read, more time spent offline. which is. GOOD.
*crosses fingers*
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oh yes, i'm selling my cds!!!!
most of them are in good condition, a bit scratched but nothing tht affects the music. erm, offer me a price [anything at all!] and i'll see how.
[it's a bit embarassing cuz i'm revealing my um, taste in music a few years back, lol]
i don't listen to them anymore and decided i kinda need the cash to get more cds.

- Silver Side Up; Nickelback [ i bought it early this year]

..oh damn. my hoarder/sentimental side won't let me put up any of my other cds for sale. i have like 5 more that i dont even listen to but i wanna keep them for nostalgia's sake. like my *N Sync albums. and my Britney ones. *SIGHS*

it finally happens

yes, it's been confirmed. i have gained weight.
i cant fit into my jeans anymore. ok fine, fine, so this pair of jeans are the ones that i bought waaaay back in sec 1 and used to hang off my butt when hipsters weren't yet in fashion. but it's nice saying "hah, i can fit into my sec 1 jeans" even if its only to myself. darn. oh well, i already knew i wasnt a size 24 a loong time ago. no biggie.

bye bye my extremely washed out, faded, worn out [read: comfortable] pair of jeans.

actually, i'm wearing them now. its just that i cant. zip. them up.
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whee! im going ice-skating this tuesday!

funfunfunfun

this means i'm frantically downloading songs to burn "new" cds to skate with. im bored with all my cds and dont have the financial resources to buy new ones. besides, the one i'm eyeing cost like $50. no way my wallet can ever afford THT.

ice skating!! *hyperventilates* this is how much i love skating. i feel a thrill on the way there and if its been a long time since i've skated, i really have to control myself from running after stepping into the entrance. ok fine, so /mebbe/ sometimes i dont and i DO end up running. so if you ever see a girl running laughing her head off with her friends keeping a nice safe distance away, yep that's me.
heh, when i put on my skates and plug into my discman, the people around me disappear. which is why i'm uncomfortable with inviting not-so-close friends to skate because i KNOW i wont end up spending time with them like i should. i ignore everybody else when i skate.

me and the ice. [ugh, how cliche.]

but true nonetheless. when you're speeding past everbody else, especially when it's crowded and you cut through the bloody groups of people who um, toddle along and when you race, WHOO.
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i found the boots that i saw online at Suntec. man, they look even more kick-ass in real life. *sighs*

they are however $500.

it was at this leather shop. i moaned when i saw the price tag but my friend said that she saw a sign saying the stuff was all 50% off. excited, i went out to see the sign. it was a non-descript A4 paper boldly stating, 50% off on merchandise. then, i read the fine print - except shoes and boots.

the funny [or not] side of this is that 90% of what the shop was selling was you guessed it, shoes and boots.
hello??? augh.

yum, i like the Rainbow Sherbet at suntec. looks like Play-Doh but it's very, very nice.
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i suppose it's true. we madCAPpers have become a clique. kinda expected it too happen tho my idealistic, optimistic side had hoped at the beginning that we would be able to maintain close ties with dailydairy at the same time.

although i wouldn't agree that on the term elitist. we're honestly not. it's just that, we dont really know the people on the other yahoogroup and we dont feel the /need/ to interact with them because we're already close with the madCAPpers. there's no..immediate inclination.

sadly.

it's an automatic response, sub-conscious.
which is why most of us didnt go to the apparently significant CAP alumni meeting yesterday. ost of us ddn noe and the few who did, didn't bother.

sad.
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go download: paranoid; skunk anansie.

"I want," Draco said, "to be able to love her. Sometimes I think I could. I can picture it. I think it would make me happy. But I think perhaps it's not in my nature to be happy. Happiness is simple, after all, and I've never liked anything simple."

Draco Veritas; Cassandra Claire

-sighs- i am contents and blissful. finally after MONTHS long of waiting, it's UP!!! happyhappyhappy.
*toddles of to Land of the Marvelously Delirious, stops and suddenly turns back*

the latest chapter is ambiguosly slashy.

"Harry stared at him, mystified, and Draco reached out a thin hand then, and touched his hair. It was a light touch, like a leaf grazing his cheek, and a shiver passed over Harry."

*weeps in a corner*

i love draco. draco is mine. he's my preciousss..and if that's so, he CAN'T be gay. he can't. no, he can't. he shouldn't let Harry CLING to him even if harry /is/ on the verge of a nervous breakdown. they shouldn't trade 'i love you's even though their relantionship is not..homosexual. yes yes, so they ARE close, but Those Three Words make it so incestous.

DRACO [THEY] CAN'T HAVE GAY INCLINATIONS.

i'm heartbroken.
i wouldn't give a damn if the plot suddenly twisted and it was Remus/Lupin or for comic effect, Dumblydore/Filch and Voldie/Wormtail.

but it's good nonetheless.

"I killed a man today," Harry said, just to hear the words spoken.

"I know," Draco said. "Welcome to the war."

a bit low on hilariously funny incidents but i suppose that's cuz their in a dark period right now. --draco's dying, how CAN anything be funny?-- oh wait, Ginny makes out with Tom Riddles. *ponders* didnt expect THAT to happen.

"Words were failing him; he felt a precarious and strangely intoxicating dizziness. Aftereffects of Pansy's spells? He wasn't sure; all he knew was that her hair was drifting across his face and that it smelled of clover honey. Am I still in love with her? Ron wondered. She had been his first love, his childish love, the sort of awkward ineffectual charming love most people looked back on years later with affectionate nostalgia. But not Ron. That love had been taken away from him, twisted and thrown back in his face, robbed of its charm, its sweetness replaced with pain. She was a symbol now, of every mistake he had ever made, and everything he had ever wanted that he could not have. if only there were some way to make that right..."
-- poor ron.

i hate hermione.

and as usual, i adore draco.
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ysterday was the Career Fair thing. our school made us go in an effort to make us find out where we wanted to head to. like geez, how come don't already know i want to rule the world? duh.
no, seriously.

anyway, all it did to me was make me confused. so many universities, so many choices. but the trip there was funnay.
the school chartered buses for us from school so we were in the buses at the school carpark and it so happened that the bus beside our's was the bus with the 401s [ie. the Geniuses] and our class started chanting geeks geeks geeks but [thankfully] they didnt hear us. so i whipped out a shoddy sign saying "Hello smart people" and banged the windows to get their attention. at first they were a bit startled [how typical] and finally, some of them got the humour of it. idiots.

lots of singing in the bus. after a while, we couldn't come up with anymore singing so me and charmaine started harmonizing! well, actually that's just a nicer term for making noise in an effort to make "music".
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i /think/ i have more to say but cant think of it yet. oh yes, im in the UN conference. -phew-
dumdeedeedum, anything else? don't think so. oh WAIT.

was at taka the other day [the outrageously costly and branded side] just wandering around. we wereabout to tun a corner when my friend who was a couple of meters ahead turned to me and said i was gonna love what i'd be about to see. so i was thinking aiya, probab some nice clothes/shoes/bag but when i saw it i squealed.

it was a HEEEE-UGE posterboard of Adrien Brody. how huge? ceiling to floor.

it was covering this shop that was being renovated. cant remember the brand, but the one he was invited to model for.

the poster provided a very, very nice close-up of his eyes. *swoons* i actually went up to it and smacked myself on the board for the fun of it.

i KNOW he has a huge nose ok? it's kinda obvious but why cant ppl get over it? and i know he's not the typical pretty boy or testosterone ladden guy like Brad Pitt. but he looks..elegant.

i think i'll stop at that before i turn too swoony - something we hormonally charged teenage girls are so prone to do.

it's still unfair

there.

my last angsty note on the whole UN Conference affair. i hereby vow not to dwell on it anymore and not to complain about it. i will accept it, and make the best of it and achieve inner peace. om.
augh fuck it.

i will not talk about it anymore unless somebody brings it up. hah, that's much more..do-able. there's no way i can promise myself not to dwell on it because after 15 or so years living with myself, i have learnt that it is impossible for me to control my brain.
i'll 'will' one thing but it'll never stay on that one focused spot. oh no, my brain will drift off and start spouting irrational stuff that strangely, manages to be related to the topic in a minut way. hence my digressing when it comes to writing lit essays.
and if i 'command' one thing, like 'iZ! don't do so and so' my brain will start arguing with itself and go why not? what will happen if i so and so? why does it matter? why do i care? am i being stupid for caring? i don't give a fuck! augh, iZ that sounds so teen-angsty! get over it you immature arse! but hey,i have the right to be immature - if not now, when else?

my brain has a mind of its own. wahahahaha.
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http://www.barcodeart.com/art/yourself/yourself.html

go, it's really interesting! lol.
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i don't feel like going to school tomorrow.

yes, i have decided. tomorrow shall be Izyanti Day. i shall not go to school, have a nice leisurely breakfast at McD and find a nice library [mosy likely the Esplanade's] and study. yes, study.
it's not the schoolwork that bothers me nowadays, it's the environment. i just want to get away from the chaos tht manages to be humdrum and mundane at the same time. i want to be alone.

list of stuff to do:
- finish lit essay
- cover the entire chapter on history
- finish history essay
- catch up on social studies?
- cover speed of reaction?

yes. i will do that tomorrow.
______________________________

i cant decide what blogskin to change to.

horrid horrid day

i hate days when you look at the wrong timetable.
um, i actually looked at the wrong one yesterday to which really explains the mild confoosion when my history teacher stepped in instead of chem. i have this habit of brushing things off if it doesnt really affect me. note to self: must learn to be more observant and to actually take notice of these observations. must not throw them aside a nanosecond after they've been made.
so ANYWAY, my mistake was further re-inforced by yesterday's so i looked at the 'wrong' timetable with even more conviction. -sighs- i was only shaken out of blurry stupor when i realized that OMG, i had malay later on! i wouldn't hve had it if today was an even week but surprise surprise, it was an ODD week. and i didnt do my homework! [as usual]. but here is where my compulsive lying comes into place. the moment he asked me to hand it in, i told the truth that i looked at the wrong schedule, but lied that yes, i've done the pile and it's sitting at home on my table. surprise surprise again, i've done NOTHING.

augh. it just popped out of my mouth.
_____________________________________
we got our yearbook today. wait- i already mentioned tht in the earlier post havent i? i failed to mention there's this rather big photo of me in it tht looks UGLY cuz i just woke up from tis boring lecture thing when they took the shot. augh, i look half-dead and my hair was in this weird shape. oh the horror!
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im considering 'thon-ing 2night. looking at my pile of incomplete homework. and the fact that i have TWO tests 2ml.

should i? or shouldn't i?

if i do, i'll end up zombiefied and zonked for the whole day.

if i don't, the pile will crush me more AND, i could possibly lose some CA/progress report marks.

one thing for sure, i shouldnt be here, blogging.

i have no discipline at all. it is pathetic. terrible. horrendous.
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*yeah, i'm getting sick of Ye Olde Man. will change it soon.

i am annoyed.

yes, i have been pushed into being a reserve for the UN Conference due to some stupid policies and the fact that i really need to learn when to shut my mouth.

it is totally unfair. yes i know it's very typical adolescent angsty of me but yeah. we were one of the first to volunteer but we're getting oushed to the side. i actually had more angst directed towards this..affair but i've already ranted to several people for several times. so i'm pretty hollowed out. augh.

we got our yearbooks today. they airbrushed the photos and because of this technological advancement, i now have chipmunk cheeks. --''

i have been rather slacking on homework. this is bad. i feel the pressure etc and start doing but halfway through, i lose steam and get bored. homework is abandoned for other doodling and most commonly, sleep.
so i currently have a pile of incomplete homework for all the different subjects. oh fun.

list of incomplete homework
1. 2 english compres
2. 2 english letters.
3. 2 sets of bio ws
4. 2 bio practicals.
5. 2 chem practical reports.
6. 1 lit essay.
7. 2 history essays.
8. 3 malay compos.
9. 1 malay compre.
10. i set of chem worksheets.
11. emath. lots of it.
12. social studies..stuff. see above.


augh!augh!augh! the pile..it's CRUSHING me! cant. breathe. -gasp gasp-

i am so dead.
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i realize ive been kinda boring recently. there's not much to say other than the mundane conundrum of school life because well, that's all thats in my life currently.

all i can talk about is school because that's all i'm going through.

i haven't written in ages even though i have this really great idea for a prose but it's gonna be a looong one and i just don't have the time to sit down and write. -sighs-
my poetry sucks because it generally revolves around the same thing [hah!]. so id rather not torment myslef by seeing how bad my poetry is.

dumdeedeedum
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i was rather pissed at the english HOD just now. [wait- still am]. she was giving a talk how [yawn] we were being complacent and that we didnt take things seriously especially our USSR periods. no, not periods when we exercise russian communism. em, nevermind.

what really got to me was that she claimed that we wasted the whole banding programme they put us through last year because we 'didnt take it seriously' etc. i really, really got pissed at this because hello, they NEGLECTED my class and this other class. they neglected to band us because i suppose we weren't worth it. because we're the last two classes.

it is absolute discrimination.

i lost out because i was stuck in my class where the teacher was trying to teach the class boring stuff like grammar when the Band 1 class were doing fun stuff. if our class had been banded, i would have been in Band 1 and doing more fun stuff instead of dwelling on tenses and letter-writing formats.

AUGH.

[www.learn.co.uk -- literature, year 7] [guess what lesson im in now]
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i dont think i would be able to take it if i ended up in some cheena JC like nanyang. the sheer cheena-ness of my school now is... sickening. i hate it. nothing against the people who ARE cheena, but I hate it.
F4! F4! did you watch 5566?? aiee! so kawaai!

..something along that line. it's just the environment in this school. i don't particularly like it.
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of Parents.

i have a rather embarassing confession to make.

i am still deathly intimidated by my dearest Father. proof would be that i refer to the woman who gave birth to me as mudder, but him as Father. emphasis on the capital letter.

i feel reduced to a 5 year old everytime he lectures/scolds me. the funny thing is, it's not that the content is..mortally potent. it's typical parental blah but it's his Voice and Tone!
when i was a kid, i was so afraid of him that just the "yanti!" he boomed out would stop me in my tracks of the mischief-making i was about to do. serious. he reduces me to this trembling rabbit thing and it's not something i'm very proud off.

i'm still VERY much intimidated by him.

whenever he does his angry lecture thing, my heart does the thumping it does when i get caught in school for doing something for *coughcough* i shouldn't have done. and oh yes, don't forget the queasy stomach. i panic at the mere thought of confronting him when's he's angry. -sighs-

i think that's why i'm a bit intimidated by my DM. because he reminds me of my Father. i dont mind being caught/lectured by any of the other bitchy teachers or the principal. but when it's the DM, whoo flashback time!

but the funny thing is, he's actually a nice guy. my Father, not the ol' DM. ok, so my dad can be abit longwinded when he's making his speeches but he's funny in a lame way. he likes to that jazz doodeedooda thing but lame-ifying it and sings all this stupid songs and makes all these lame jokes. it's just when he goes into Disciplinarian Mode.

augh.

he's reasonable and everything..except when it comes to the topic about me going out.

which is why i left andrea's thing so early yesterday. because i thought my dad was in the car waiting and to endure his wrath was..a panic inducing thing. i was actually afraid tht my mum wud pass the phone over to my dad and i would panic and my face would show the dread and OMG-ness in front of everybody which would have mortified me. so i very, VERY reluctantly left.

augh!

which is why i prefer it when my dad works his afternoon shift so that when i come home in the evening/night/late, he wont be there to do his Angry Lecture thing.

which is why i miss out on a lot. dont you dare try tell me andrea's wasnt fun cuz i know it was. *sniffs*

it's so unfair. [uh-oh. sounding kinda Teen Angsty]

but you know what was really, REALLY unfair?? my mother got it wrong and picked me up EARLY yesterday! i kept telling her she had said 7, but oh she deniedeniedenied. only half way did she grudgingly admit that she /might/ have gotten in wrong! $%^$&$#&
i left w/o much arguing [hah! all i did was make little noises of protest] because i ddnt want to make a scene and because, well, i thought my dad was in the car.

*SCREAMS*

i think i'll go find a nice little hole to crawl in now.
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Random Bit: my GothName is Panic Queen. --durr-- but if i dont put in my last name, its Velvet Kisses. if i use iZ, it's Chaotic Kittie. strangely [or not], i prefer the first - it reflects my personality better. the rest seem a bit, tacky.

oh wait! if i put izzy, it's Dead Psycho!!! whoo!

-- www.deadname.com
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here's another reason why i feel kinda guilty about ranting about my Father. he has recently offered me a hundred dollars for every A1 i get for my O's. like, whoa.

he honestly didnt have to.

so therefore, i want to re-inforce the fact that yes, my dad is a great Father. he does all his Fatherly responsibilities perfectly well. i just wished he would ease up on the Authoritarian Disciplinarian stance.

and yes, i know he has my best interests at heart. which is why, if you notice, i'm not doing the oh-so-typical teen angst screaming of "i hate my mum! i hate my dad! i hate [insert name here]! i hate the world!".

-sighs-

here again

things i've done for the past few days that i'm glad i did:

- i read [like, finally!] Girl, Interrupted. is it disturbing that i can like, totally relate to it? and is it like, disturbing that i like, sound like a bimbo? lol, im being stupid again.
i picked up the copy from my friend's desk - she had borrowed it from the library and didnt like it. [why??] things like that happen in my class, stuff like pagazines, cds get passed around so much in good nature that in the end you never know where it ends up. then you have to announce, for um, a thousand times that yes - i would like my stuff back now and most of the time, it mysteriously ends up on your desk again!
so, back to the book. it's truly fantastic. it's so..psychotic and logical at the same time. rational insanity. please tell me if you've read it that you ddnt find it *weird* cuz if you do as well, um, it means im the weird one. which is not so badd really, you should visit Weird Land. it's all psychedlic and silently noisy and full of people wearing vegetables.
times like these, i really wish i was the book-buying kinda person. sadly though, i have no moolah for this indulgence. and my library account is unuseble[?] because i owe them money. so i'm dependent on my friend's borrowed books which is rather disappointing since they like um, trash along the lines of...cheesy 'the girl who's a spy/psychic/cheerleader and is blonde, beautiful smart and oh dear! what a terrible life she leads!' kind of books. so.

-watching The Pianist again. i love that movie. and no, it is NOT because i like Adrien Brody. and yes, i know his nose is of epic proportions [it's kinda hard to miss, duh] but it's his charisma! his charisma! he's all broody [oooh, punny] and he has eyes tht are really nice.
and is that him really playing the piano in the movie? ..i never found out.
the point is, the movie is just so moving- like the part when he finally reunites with this piano but he cant play it so he just hovers his deft fingers over the keys and 'plays'.
...i have nothing to say other than the fact that it is a fantastic movie with great cinematography [is that wht they call it?] with good actors.

oh yes. there's this guy in my class who reminds everybody of Brody in the Pianist. he's tall, and has the similar look. and he CAN play the piano fantastically. i think he's a Grade 9-er. once, we bullied him into playing a bit for us on the piano and literally, all the girls SWOONED as the guys enviously looked on.
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i've been wanting to rant about this for awhile.
there's this girl i know and her particular CCA requires her to watch her weight and her coach even insists on making them diet. the thing is, she's skinny. ok, not exactly sticks but DEFINITELY on the slim, sylph side.

it makes no sense.

this cca is actually PROMOTING eating disorders that's already so rampant. and it's not as if we're living in Ye Olden Days where stuff like anorexia and bulimia is reltively unknown. it's SHOVED in our faces day to day with it being featured in cheesy television teen dramas.
dammit, our FRIENDS suffer from it! that's how close it is and here they are promoting something that is althogether destructive physically AND mentally? it just makes no sense.

it's like..saying no, you shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you. oh but did you know it REALLY, REALLY FEELS GOOD? IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD. AND IF YOU THINK SMOKING'S HEAVENLY [well it is fatal] GO ON KIDDIES, TRY DRUGS! oh, but dont. their really bad. trust us, b.a.d. dont do it, BUT IT FEELS GOOD THOUGH.

-sighs-

do the school authorities know of this?? surely they've noticed that nearly all girls in that cca are unusually thin.

..though i wouldnt be surprised if they hadnt.

in lit again

http://www.absoluteshakespeare.com/guides/twelfth_night/summary/twelfth_night_summary.htm

it's another site, better lah. the addy is here because im too lazy to mail it to myself since i'll probab want to look at it mor thoroughly at home.

anyway, it was english just now and my teacher [here's to you Suzanna Lee!] realy miffed me. my classmate was saying the word fanatical used to describe the Japanese during WW2 can be replaced by 'patriotism' since they WERE fighting for their country. well, she disagreed- which in a way i agreed cause the japs were INVADING, not defending.

but that's not the point here.

in her self-righteous way, she told him,
"your content cannot be according to your own way [ie.opinion]. it must be according to the majority, the world majority."

other than being grammatically dodgy, the comment really leaves much to the supposed desire to encourage creative thinking.

a few moments later she said as we were writing down our answers, "you must not just write down what i say. you musn't copy blindly, you must think."

oh yes, of course suzie. it doesnt matter i suppose if we think only opinions that are actually YOURS but when it contradicts with you, duh, it's WRONG. i get it suzie.

i understand life now.

bugger it. then we were going through definitions of words and the word 'self-effacing' came up. she said it meant humble. hah. just to prove her wrong, i checked the dict; it meant inconspicuos [-i cant spell-]. so i told her and she insisited it meant the same thing. helloo? it's so not.
humble does not equal inconspicuos. it's different you complete self-righteous arse!! argh. she just irritates me.
___________________________

oh yes. i volunteered for the Raffles Mock UN Conference thing. erm, it just occured to me what i got myself into. dumdeedeedum. --''

in school

it's lit lesson now. oh the joy of skiving off academic duties and responsibilities. we're supposed to be going through the summaries for 12th Night at this site and it's thoroughly pathetic. the summaries are...stripped of words. the very essence of the play itself. it's supposed to help those who have no idea what's going on since we usually go over the play line by line in miniscule detail which usually succeeds in boring us to death.

the thing is, i honestly do pefer the dark and morbid KOTC even though 12th Night, if analysed more properly is even more interesting. i don't like seeing it as a comedy. it seems...a bit trivial then. i find that humans use comedy to mask or sugar-coat the bitter and ugly sides of being human and 12th Night does this as well. it shows the ugly side of deception, and how we are trapped in our self-delusions. how we laught at people, being the sadistic creatures that we are.

but you know what? reading the stripped version does make it easier to comprehend. at least for the exams.
*definition: we'll be able to pass the exams because we'll know what the examiners want to hear. it won't matter that we'll be missing out on the deeper meaning of the text as long as we produce those A1s. it wont matter that we wouldn't have learnt how to actually analyse and DO literature because the truth is, all we need to do is to memorize and regurgitate.

and here's the thing. it does make school life so much easier. just to puke back out everything; it's easier than to actually think. --sighs--

it's the easy way out, and who doesnt like the easy path even though we know that's the less beneficial way? sad.

i'm babbling and ranting. i wish i wasnt so...multiple personality-ish. nah, i;m not that psycho. more like, multi-faceted just like everybody else. but sometimes, i wish i could just stick to ONE mood. it would ease the confusion muchos.
like today, i'm Quiet Izyanti. the one who stares blankly into space alot, walks around with a frown and murmers, not speaks.

sometimes, i'm Loud. it's fun beig Loud because along with it comes Crazy. it's happy and well, fun. but life as we know, can't be fun all the time so this mood comes and goes. it's times like these that produce Mooing moments, Geek Parading and general insanity. whee.

then there's the Mean me. it's similar to Quiet, except instead of being simply zonked out like i am now, all i do is simmer. sarcasm becomes my speech and a lot more meaner thoughts form in my mind. the only reason i dont say them is because i cant be bothered to hande the ruckus that all the hurt feelings would cause.

it's nice with my discman around. typing. tippity-tippity-tap. i cant hear anything...ms tham's saying something but i cant hear her, people are playing online games but i cant hear their cries of exultation or defeat.

it feels like im home except the table's PINK and the computer a dusty grey.

and isnt that what people always want to feel? like their at home? ok, mebbe not all. not everybody likes being at home. but i do for one. that's the reason why i tend to bring my sweater around at school even when it's not particularly cold. it reminds me of hoooommmme. there's a certain /smell/ to it that's comforting. a mix of the laundry detergent, the perfume tht i occasionally wear and something else that just makes it mine.

it's Linus's blanket in Peanuts.

miney miney mine.