a moment of triumph
i ran My First 2.4km for this year. yay me!!
i suppose it doesnt sound much of a big deal if you dont know my pe habits. for the past few weeks, i havent gone for pe because a] i skip them or b] im genuinely sick. and when i DO go, i normally minus one or two round out of the required rounds and my teacher, good ol' Tom Chan doesn't notice. i mean, hello. this is the teacher who calls me Germaine because he mixes me up with my best friend, charmaine.
narf.
so anyways, i was pretty much exhilarated about it, even though it was a pathetic timing, im getting there baby! ...and to think i used to easily score A's in sec 1. they used to say that exercise leaves you recharged which i always dismissed as CRAP. but here's a newsflash to lazy bums like me: it's true. i was so adrenalined that i ran up the four storeys to my class! like, woah.
there is however a not so great side-effect to actually honestly and actively participate in pe, a red face. it's not a nice healthy flush. mine is the kind that looks...cartoony.
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i like double-decker buses.
i hardly get to ride in them anymore, but i managed to do so the other day. ::contentment:: it was down this oldish road, and it was a non-airconditioned one so the wind was blowing in, and i could hear all the sounds outside..it was honestly to me, a moment of bliss. i've always loved bus rides, especially long ones going down routes i've never been to and when you're on the top level..it's almost nirvana-like.
in fact, if i were to one day be a rich millionairess that i would never be, instead of a chaffeur driven limo, i would get a chaffeur driven double decker bus.
..oh wishful thinking..
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i have a couple of friends who are busy talking about hopw they want to pierce their bellies sometime this year so that it would be perfectly healed by the time the O's are over and the "partaaaying" starts.
their really making a big deal about it and honestly, i think it's kinda stupid. i think it's stupid to throw away $60 just to get a piercing when in OUR situation, this amount of cash doesn't come very easily. i think it's very..trivial to be concerned about this matter. to be concerned about a piercing so that you'd look hot when you go chiong-ing in the near future.
..uh.
i think it's kinda immature. there's SO much out there, to do, to experience and you're concerned about making another hole in your body? it's unnecessary and undeserving of such attention. my opinion is, if you want it, fine. but there's no need to make such a big deal of it lor. it seems childish to me.
or maybe it's just because im not very interested in "body art".
honestly, the whole concept of body art [to me] is rather adolescent in itself. i associate it with teenage rashness and rebellion. typical hormonal immaturity. so it should be something that you leave behind when you reach adulthood. it's a phase that is pretty ugly to carry on when you're mature and working. it makes it seem as if you haven't let go of your teenage years yet.
but then again, i do have a teacher who's got piercing and really cool tattoo on the small of her back [that we once in awhile lift her top to take a sneak peek] and she rawks. she's a fantastic person, and really open-minded and i suppose her image helps in our rapprt with her.
so at this point, i'm a tad..confused. on one hand, my teenage self is saying, woah cool. on the other hand, [specifically excessive] body art give me the impression of a rather lame wannabe person.
*shrugs*
you know what? i realize that when i refer to people who are immature and continue being immature past teenagehood, im actually talking bout lians and bengs. it's my personal prejudice towards them. So.
________________________________
since we're on this topic, let's bring it on to a new level. Chiong-ing.
a couple of my friends have managed to sneak in and although they clearly enjoyed themselves, their descriptions of the supposedly hip place doesn't appeal to me AT ALL.
smoky, dark, crowded.
loud, thumping TECHNO music.
drunk people snogging other random clubbers.
crowds.
nope. i honestly doubt it would ever be my lifestyle. it just doesn't seem fun to me. i mean, it sounds like hell. not in the religious-y way. but generally. i consider it hellish. yeeach.
hah, mebbe i'll pop in one day just out of curiousity. i dont think i'll last 10 minutes. by the time i actually get in, you'll see me clambering outdoors for fresh air and open spaces.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Sunday, February 22, 2004
ladeeda..i think life as a musical would be fun. what song would you sing?..ladeeda
flag day yesterday.
woke up late. rushed there. without my discman. waitd for ages for the rest to turn up so we could collect our tins. then harassed these kids [who were akshulli in SEC and i had loudly commented how they were so..goody which was alright since they were in PRIMARY school. my bad.] queuing up to collect THEIR tins and managed to persuade them to drop in a couple of coins.
they actually listened to my good/bad karma crap and how they'd be rejected later so they shouldn't reject me. then their teacher chased us off. pah. she's just sour grapey that HER students dont know how to harass properly, the naive little things they are.
wandered into a bus and dropped off around the lakeside wet market. not bad lah, it was quite funny whe we were at the coffee shop and one person clinked a coin into our tins and sudd nearly everybody was all 'eh! girl, come here!' kinda weird but not complaining.
had lunch around there. we ate at 10 in the morning cuz it FELT like 12-ish and olnly realized how early we were half-way through. the food looked deceptively good. yeech. the prawns were SOSO salty!!! and geez, im the kinda person who LIKES eating the sushi soy sauce once the sushi's all gone and if i thought it was HORRIDLY and UNBEARABLY salty, it was. i scraped of all the gravy and bit into it and realized that the prawn gad ABSORBED the salt.
it was a salt-soaked prawn. nuh good.
on a happier and more materialistic note, i bought a nice skirt at the PASAR there. its this black tulle fairy/ballet-ish calf-length thing. nicenice. now i just need my boots. later on at night, i tried it on and started leaping and twirling around just to see the skirt swish around. ::bimbo:: but whateverrrr. it's the little things like that that make me happy SO. ooh, and my aunty splurged Body Shop make-up stuff on me the other day so yay freebies!
..realized that i COLLECT make-up, but i generally dont use it much. like the way i buy bags. oh welly well.
the ACJC carnie was....unfun. contrary to the events' name funorama. cuz it wasnt. it was hot. and crowded. and the games although fun-looking, were designed so that victory would be near impossible. and the prizes kindly put, sucked. i think the students who were holding the event were the ones having fun, not the ones who attended.
the only time i actually had fun was when i black marker-ed "poke me and hear me moo" on my balloon and cow jokes started flying around. i like my cow-fish hybrid: mooble. and one of my friends got annoyed with all the mooing + the moo version of alicia key's You Don't Know My Name [mooo-ooo-oo.....Moo don't know moo name] and told me to shut up or she would - at this point charmaine cut in and said "smack me in the udders". it totally cracked us up which realy annoyed her and she started poking me as we ran across the road. quite a funny sight. this short girl chasing another with a red balloon going "moo! owow, moooooo!". and she did smack me in the udders. ow.
i DDN go to HCJC dramafest. bummer. lethargy really induces stupidity. i reaced there WAAAY early from the disaster that was the ACJC carnival thing and i was kinda cranky. i was alone with a red helium balloon and feeling really stupid. then kass msged and told us she couldnt make it, so more bummer-ness. *sighs* so i called matt and told him i wudn be going and met up with charmaine at orchard for dinner. later on, matt wud keep on rubbing in the fact that it WAS good and that i had foolishly CHOSEN not to go. hah, well then matthew, you DDN discourage me for not going when i called and all YOU did was whine about the "dilemma" you were in since you couldnt contact haz and wibblewibblewibble. YOU ddn discourage me etc so hah! im not making sense although in my twisted and irrational mind i do, so anyways, hah!
so i met up with my bestest bestest friend charmaine [who wanted to see her name in a blog entry so here it is] and went for dinner. halfway through, we decided to suck in the helium and proceeded to do loud chipmunk renditions of Britney/christina Greatest Hits in the middle of delifrance much to the amusement of the people at the next table. funnn.
i roamed around kino for awhile and flipped through a few graphic arts books. *sighs* i wanna be a graphic designer. it's so fun but i dint think i have enough talent/vision/discipline to go into that field. darn.
anyways, quite predictably, i came across a good number of sexually explicit pictures that had in some cases, crossed the line from being tasteful and artfully done to just plain trashy. the good ones were good, and rather mind-blowing. but the bad ones, merf. nudity to cover up the lack of innovation. since they cant come up with anything radical, they sensationalize by sticking a naked person there. typical.
flag day yesterday.
woke up late. rushed there. without my discman. waitd for ages for the rest to turn up so we could collect our tins. then harassed these kids [who were akshulli in SEC and i had loudly commented how they were so..goody which was alright since they were in PRIMARY school. my bad.] queuing up to collect THEIR tins and managed to persuade them to drop in a couple of coins.
they actually listened to my good/bad karma crap and how they'd be rejected later so they shouldn't reject me. then their teacher chased us off. pah. she's just sour grapey that HER students dont know how to harass properly, the naive little things they are.
wandered into a bus and dropped off around the lakeside wet market. not bad lah, it was quite funny whe we were at the coffee shop and one person clinked a coin into our tins and sudd nearly everybody was all 'eh! girl, come here!' kinda weird but not complaining.
had lunch around there. we ate at 10 in the morning cuz it FELT like 12-ish and olnly realized how early we were half-way through. the food looked deceptively good. yeech. the prawns were SOSO salty!!! and geez, im the kinda person who LIKES eating the sushi soy sauce once the sushi's all gone and if i thought it was HORRIDLY and UNBEARABLY salty, it was. i scraped of all the gravy and bit into it and realized that the prawn gad ABSORBED the salt.
it was a salt-soaked prawn. nuh good.
on a happier and more materialistic note, i bought a nice skirt at the PASAR there. its this black tulle fairy/ballet-ish calf-length thing. nicenice. now i just need my boots. later on at night, i tried it on and started leaping and twirling around just to see the skirt swish around. ::bimbo:: but whateverrrr. it's the little things like that that make me happy SO. ooh, and my aunty splurged Body Shop make-up stuff on me the other day so yay freebies!
..realized that i COLLECT make-up, but i generally dont use it much. like the way i buy bags. oh welly well.
the ACJC carnie was....unfun. contrary to the events' name funorama. cuz it wasnt. it was hot. and crowded. and the games although fun-looking, were designed so that victory would be near impossible. and the prizes kindly put, sucked. i think the students who were holding the event were the ones having fun, not the ones who attended.
the only time i actually had fun was when i black marker-ed "poke me and hear me moo" on my balloon and cow jokes started flying around. i like my cow-fish hybrid: mooble. and one of my friends got annoyed with all the mooing + the moo version of alicia key's You Don't Know My Name [mooo-ooo-oo.....Moo don't know moo name] and told me to shut up or she would - at this point charmaine cut in and said "smack me in the udders". it totally cracked us up which realy annoyed her and she started poking me as we ran across the road. quite a funny sight. this short girl chasing another with a red balloon going "moo! owow, moooooo!". and she did smack me in the udders. ow.
i DDN go to HCJC dramafest. bummer. lethargy really induces stupidity. i reaced there WAAAY early from the disaster that was the ACJC carnival thing and i was kinda cranky. i was alone with a red helium balloon and feeling really stupid. then kass msged and told us she couldnt make it, so more bummer-ness. *sighs* so i called matt and told him i wudn be going and met up with charmaine at orchard for dinner. later on, matt wud keep on rubbing in the fact that it WAS good and that i had foolishly CHOSEN not to go. hah, well then matthew, you DDN discourage me for not going when i called and all YOU did was whine about the "dilemma" you were in since you couldnt contact haz and wibblewibblewibble. YOU ddn discourage me etc so hah! im not making sense although in my twisted and irrational mind i do, so anyways, hah!
so i met up with my bestest bestest friend charmaine [who wanted to see her name in a blog entry so here it is] and went for dinner. halfway through, we decided to suck in the helium and proceeded to do loud chipmunk renditions of Britney/christina Greatest Hits in the middle of delifrance much to the amusement of the people at the next table. funnn.
i roamed around kino for awhile and flipped through a few graphic arts books. *sighs* i wanna be a graphic designer. it's so fun but i dint think i have enough talent/vision/discipline to go into that field. darn.
anyways, quite predictably, i came across a good number of sexually explicit pictures that had in some cases, crossed the line from being tasteful and artfully done to just plain trashy. the good ones were good, and rather mind-blowing. but the bad ones, merf. nudity to cover up the lack of innovation. since they cant come up with anything radical, they sensationalize by sticking a naked person there. typical.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Monday, February 16, 2004
fairies, queens and butches
there was this blog post i came across. about supporting gay marraiges - no, i am not homophobic. i am passive which basically means my befuddled mind has not been able to make a clear decision on where i stand.
the point of my entry is that someone replied to this post, and since it was a Livejournal blog, they all have these little display pics and this girl's was a tatu photo. i find this incredibly ironic.
i think she has conveniently forgotten that tatu's lebianism is a GIMMICK. so to everybody who's cheering tatu on for their pro-homosexuality stand, get a grip and smell the stink of the music industry.
the two tatu girls ARE hetero mind you. they just 'converted' for publicity and doesn't this hello? make a MOCKERY of homosexuality?
it's fucked-up i tell you.
if you want openly homo public figures, you've got the Pet Shop Boys, that boyzone guy, george michael. and Elton John.
yes yes, i know Elton John's not 'cool' and he wears those sunglasses because his eyes cant take the gaudiness of his own outfits but STILL.
it's better than cheering on pseudo-lesbians snogging just for publicity.
it cheapens the whole concept of homosexuality, don't you think? lesbianism etc...it's become a joke really. and i suppose that people nowadays don't take it seriously, in a twisted way, it's becoming more accepted which IS good. i think. but it just feels weird to..poke fun at it.
like it's disrespectful.
*shrugs* ..maybe i'm delving too deep into it, but yeah.
there was this blog post i came across. about supporting gay marraiges - no, i am not homophobic. i am passive which basically means my befuddled mind has not been able to make a clear decision on where i stand.
the point of my entry is that someone replied to this post, and since it was a Livejournal blog, they all have these little display pics and this girl's was a tatu photo. i find this incredibly ironic.
i think she has conveniently forgotten that tatu's lebianism is a GIMMICK. so to everybody who's cheering tatu on for their pro-homosexuality stand, get a grip and smell the stink of the music industry.
the two tatu girls ARE hetero mind you. they just 'converted' for publicity and doesn't this hello? make a MOCKERY of homosexuality?
it's fucked-up i tell you.
if you want openly homo public figures, you've got the Pet Shop Boys, that boyzone guy, george michael. and Elton John.
yes yes, i know Elton John's not 'cool' and he wears those sunglasses because his eyes cant take the gaudiness of his own outfits but STILL.
it's better than cheering on pseudo-lesbians snogging just for publicity.
it cheapens the whole concept of homosexuality, don't you think? lesbianism etc...it's become a joke really. and i suppose that people nowadays don't take it seriously, in a twisted way, it's becoming more accepted which IS good. i think. but it just feels weird to..poke fun at it.
like it's disrespectful.
*shrugs* ..maybe i'm delving too deep into it, but yeah.
sheesh
my mudder is..obessed/upset over my supposedly malfunctioning bowel system. my opinion is and i HAVE told her that hey, i've known and lived wih it for 16 years and i'm still going on with my life. i don't think it deserves that much attention.
why the complaining? cuz now she's feeding me Healthy Food ie. oatmeal, wholemeal and other stuff that i wish were not part of my meals. if you want me to have so much fiber in my diet, just pass me a sock and i'll chew it peacefully in my room while i contemplate life in the pastures with the cattle.
what i dislike even MORE, is that now she's gotten me worried. i've always thought i was fine and that other ppl went through the er, same situation. but i suppose not.
and it is highly suspected that i am anaemic since according to her, my palms and soles are always unnaturally pale and i am so weak and frail most of the time. i've always "wanted" to go for a blood test to see if she was right and also FINALLY find out my bludde type but always shuddered and crept away at the thought and vivid visualizations of gleaming needles.
hah.
it's like now in this period of crisis she notices how thin i am and how lethargic i feel.
last time in her opinion, i was lazy and when i lifted my shirt to show my untoned ie. flabby tummy, she nodded and agreed.
it's a weird world.
the rather inconvenient thing is that i am now questioning the state of my health as well. i've always known i wans't very fit as my pe teacher would so readily attest. im starting to re-think the way i consume sugar like it's rice. oh man.
if i start being all health-nut and all, the fun in my life will be sucked out.
how many years more do i have to live?? ..sounds a bit funny for a barely 16 year old kid to be asking this but seriously. i have what?
55++ years??
do you KNOW how short that is?? it is when you're a history student, ok!
it is VERY short.
my mudder is..obessed/upset over my supposedly malfunctioning bowel system. my opinion is and i HAVE told her that hey, i've known and lived wih it for 16 years and i'm still going on with my life. i don't think it deserves that much attention.
why the complaining? cuz now she's feeding me Healthy Food ie. oatmeal, wholemeal and other stuff that i wish were not part of my meals. if you want me to have so much fiber in my diet, just pass me a sock and i'll chew it peacefully in my room while i contemplate life in the pastures with the cattle.
what i dislike even MORE, is that now she's gotten me worried. i've always thought i was fine and that other ppl went through the er, same situation. but i suppose not.
and it is highly suspected that i am anaemic since according to her, my palms and soles are always unnaturally pale and i am so weak and frail most of the time. i've always "wanted" to go for a blood test to see if she was right and also FINALLY find out my bludde type but always shuddered and crept away at the thought and vivid visualizations of gleaming needles.
hah.
it's like now in this period of crisis she notices how thin i am and how lethargic i feel.
last time in her opinion, i was lazy and when i lifted my shirt to show my untoned ie. flabby tummy, she nodded and agreed.
it's a weird world.
the rather inconvenient thing is that i am now questioning the state of my health as well. i've always known i wans't very fit as my pe teacher would so readily attest. im starting to re-think the way i consume sugar like it's rice. oh man.
if i start being all health-nut and all, the fun in my life will be sucked out.
how many years more do i have to live?? ..sounds a bit funny for a barely 16 year old kid to be asking this but seriously. i have what?
55++ years??
do you KNOW how short that is?? it is when you're a history student, ok!
it is VERY short.
more wasting time
you know, i've managed to find a lot of nice layouts [and yes, half of them are Emily ones] that i really want to try out but my bad habit of being hesitant to let go of things i already like is stopping me.
how melodramatic.
..but it's true.
i changed back my layout because the one i tried out was horrid although the graphics were nice. it didnt have all the tables i need and i have no idea how to make my own. i think my archives were hiding underneath the tagboard in that one. oh well.
AND, i do want to try out all the layouts that are NOT emily but cue - uber reluctance.
and i even have a couple of horrendously PINK and avril ones that i wna try out mebbe for a couple of days just for the fun of it.
..mebbe i WILL for Halloween.
you know, i've managed to find a lot of nice layouts [and yes, half of them are Emily ones] that i really want to try out but my bad habit of being hesitant to let go of things i already like is stopping me.
how melodramatic.
..but it's true.
i changed back my layout because the one i tried out was horrid although the graphics were nice. it didnt have all the tables i need and i have no idea how to make my own. i think my archives were hiding underneath the tagboard in that one. oh well.
AND, i do want to try out all the layouts that are NOT emily but cue - uber reluctance.
and i even have a couple of horrendously PINK and avril ones that i wna try out mebbe for a couple of days just for the fun of it.
..mebbe i WILL for Halloween.
*embarassed*
..for some reason that my half-working mind has not been able to fathom, i wished i hadn't posted up my last entry.
it reeks of self centeredness, does it not?
and i probably /shouldn't/ have blabbed about my -dilemma- with a certain "friend". it just doesnt seem proper.
but hah! i shall blame my possible miscreantcy on the unexpected side-effects of paracetamol battling with whatever evil-doing amoeba cousins residing in my body right now. nope, nop it ain't my fault. *whistles innocently*
i suppose this is where i go again having a circular argument about where the line needs to be drawn in the topic of privacy and blogging. oh the boring tedious conundrum of ethics.
you know what? i think that merely stating my intention about discussing this topic once again will suffice. i am too lazy [not going to school on school days has this effect on people] to type ethics babble that people probably just zoom through so yeah. i HAD the intention to write it so you guys can just imagine what i probably have said, ya? visit my archives if your memory needs refreshing.
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random bit of Randomness
i have always thought it would be a good idea for the human race to be annihilated and to let the amoebas/cattle take over the world.
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it would also probably a good idea to start on my work that now /unfortunatelu\y/ i am feeling muchos better. there goes my convenient excuse for slacking. damn.
one thing that i am happy about is that i've recently been able to catch up with my sleep debt. in the past 2 days or so, i've had several naps during the day and long sleeps at night that were not interrupeted by the fact that i had to wake up pre-dawn for trivial matters like school. [although i have been having an increase in fairly strange dreams. as long as their not nearing 'disturbing', i'm ok.]
so i am now filled with the euphoria of NOT being sleep-deprived and this has somehow numbed the Panic function that /should/ be in hyperdrive right now since i DO have a lot of work to catch up on.
oh welly well.
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i am also rather pleased [as opposed to my art piece] over the photos ive recently taken for this competition. if i could somehow figure out how to post it here, i would. but seeing that i am most definitely iT-inept, oh well.
it reeks of self centeredness, does it not?
and i probably /shouldn't/ have blabbed about my -dilemma- with a certain "friend". it just doesnt seem proper.
but hah! i shall blame my possible miscreantcy on the unexpected side-effects of paracetamol battling with whatever evil-doing amoeba cousins residing in my body right now. nope, nop it ain't my fault. *whistles innocently*
i suppose this is where i go again having a circular argument about where the line needs to be drawn in the topic of privacy and blogging. oh the boring tedious conundrum of ethics.
you know what? i think that merely stating my intention about discussing this topic once again will suffice. i am too lazy [not going to school on school days has this effect on people] to type ethics babble that people probably just zoom through so yeah. i HAD the intention to write it so you guys can just imagine what i probably have said, ya? visit my archives if your memory needs refreshing.
_______________________________
random bit of Randomness
i have always thought it would be a good idea for the human race to be annihilated and to let the amoebas/cattle take over the world.
_______________________________
it would also probably a good idea to start on my work that now /unfortunatelu\y/ i am feeling muchos better. there goes my convenient excuse for slacking. damn.
one thing that i am happy about is that i've recently been able to catch up with my sleep debt. in the past 2 days or so, i've had several naps during the day and long sleeps at night that were not interrupeted by the fact that i had to wake up pre-dawn for trivial matters like school. [although i have been having an increase in fairly strange dreams. as long as their not nearing 'disturbing', i'm ok.]
so i am now filled with the euphoria of NOT being sleep-deprived and this has somehow numbed the Panic function that /should/ be in hyperdrive right now since i DO have a lot of work to catch up on.
oh welly well.
_______________________________
i am also rather pleased [as opposed to my art piece] over the photos ive recently taken for this competition. if i could somehow figure out how to post it here, i would. but seeing that i am most definitely iT-inept, oh well.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
euchy
..i haven't blogged it what feels like ages. probably cuz ive been feeling pretty crappy. you know the vicious cycle when you stay up to do work and feel more tired then when you take a anooze to catch up on sleep debt, ur work piles up even more? then you stay up even later and end up feeling even more tired?
*sighs*
and it does horrid things for the immune system. i just got better froma bout of cold and i'm currently sick AGAIN. and when you're sick, ur work piles up even MORE.
i should have realized someting wasn't right when i felt queasy after eating those instant noodles and when i took a nap and was SO tired that though my mind awoke, i couldn't open my eyes. geez, that never happened before.
so i'm buried underneath a pile of work and the pile is getting uncomfortably dusty and heavy. argh.
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i spent the very much hyped-up V-Day with a nice metal tin destined to be filled up with coins. we went in the morning and went to FOUR different wet markets. the people at Limbang [Yew Tee] were the most grumpy and Gombak was the most generous. funny how they were more willing to part with $2 notes than the people i met at Orchard last year.
i noticed a funny thing. there are SO many people out there complaining of datelessness that i'm pretty sure the majority of people here ARE without dates so WHO CARES? if there are that many people spending the day alone, it means you're not alone because you're particularly pathetic etc. you're just like the majority out there. lol.
does that make it better?
maybe not. but hey, wouldn't you rather spend it alone/with friends than go out with somebody you have to pretend you're at LEAST interested in? merp, just give me a nice load of candy and some good movies and i'm happy.
you know, it could be that. the candy i mean. the reason/cause of my stomach upset.
too many Hershey Kisses, lollies, various choccies and candies ingested in one single day.
oh welly well.
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i am disturbed.
i have this friend who's not really a friend. people and i suppose she herself think we are good friends but i don't like her. she can be a total bitch sometimes and i've recently been keeping away from her for obvious reasons. but i've always said that though i strongly dislike her most of the time, if she needs me i would be there for her.
she comes from an...abusive family background. so i do feel protective of her sometimes. i understand why she all these negative character traits and what caused them and i DID endure them for a looong time. but then i realized that I don't deserve having to go through all her bitchiness. right?
well, ANYWAY. she's been putting herslef into a very dangerous situation recently and knowing her, she will continue doing so until something really drastic and HORRID happens and i don't want to see her learn her lesson the hard way.
the thing is, i'm not supposed to know. [yes, thank the ever-present grapevine.]
but i feel OBLIGED to say something, to help her before her acts of complete stupidity ruin her life.
and i also know that whatever i say would simply bounce off her but i have to at least try.
right?
because if something /does/ happen {touch wood}, i know i will end up blaming myself and wishing i had done something instead of being the casual observer. *shudders* i don't think i could bear seeing her life ruined when she has so much potential by raging, rash and unci\ontrollable hormones. i NEED to help her.
even if she doesn't want it.
..i haven't blogged it what feels like ages. probably cuz ive been feeling pretty crappy. you know the vicious cycle when you stay up to do work and feel more tired then when you take a anooze to catch up on sleep debt, ur work piles up even more? then you stay up even later and end up feeling even more tired?
*sighs*
and it does horrid things for the immune system. i just got better froma bout of cold and i'm currently sick AGAIN. and when you're sick, ur work piles up even MORE.
i should have realized someting wasn't right when i felt queasy after eating those instant noodles and when i took a nap and was SO tired that though my mind awoke, i couldn't open my eyes. geez, that never happened before.
so i'm buried underneath a pile of work and the pile is getting uncomfortably dusty and heavy. argh.
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i spent the very much hyped-up V-Day with a nice metal tin destined to be filled up with coins. we went in the morning and went to FOUR different wet markets. the people at Limbang [Yew Tee] were the most grumpy and Gombak was the most generous. funny how they were more willing to part with $2 notes than the people i met at Orchard last year.
i noticed a funny thing. there are SO many people out there complaining of datelessness that i'm pretty sure the majority of people here ARE without dates so WHO CARES? if there are that many people spending the day alone, it means you're not alone because you're particularly pathetic etc. you're just like the majority out there. lol.
does that make it better?
maybe not. but hey, wouldn't you rather spend it alone/with friends than go out with somebody you have to pretend you're at LEAST interested in? merp, just give me a nice load of candy and some good movies and i'm happy.
you know, it could be that. the candy i mean. the reason/cause of my stomach upset.
too many Hershey Kisses, lollies, various choccies and candies ingested in one single day.
oh welly well.
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i am disturbed.
i have this friend who's not really a friend. people and i suppose she herself think we are good friends but i don't like her. she can be a total bitch sometimes and i've recently been keeping away from her for obvious reasons. but i've always said that though i strongly dislike her most of the time, if she needs me i would be there for her.
she comes from an...abusive family background. so i do feel protective of her sometimes. i understand why she all these negative character traits and what caused them and i DID endure them for a looong time. but then i realized that I don't deserve having to go through all her bitchiness. right?
well, ANYWAY. she's been putting herslef into a very dangerous situation recently and knowing her, she will continue doing so until something really drastic and HORRID happens and i don't want to see her learn her lesson the hard way.
the thing is, i'm not supposed to know. [yes, thank the ever-present grapevine.]
but i feel OBLIGED to say something, to help her before her acts of complete stupidity ruin her life.
and i also know that whatever i say would simply bounce off her but i have to at least try.
right?
because if something /does/ happen {touch wood}, i know i will end up blaming myself and wishing i had done something instead of being the casual observer. *shudders* i don't think i could bear seeing her life ruined when she has so much potential by raging, rash and unci\ontrollable hormones. i NEED to help her.
even if she doesn't want it.
Friday, February 13, 2004
the nightmare before valentine's
i was at 77th Street today and i received trauma in return. why?
they had an Emily purse.
*SCREAMS*
it's prescence there is not the matter - wait, it is. i'm not horrified because I have it already so i don't really care in that sense. the point is, everything 77th Street sells turns mainstream!!!!!
egads, my nightmare might be coming true.
please join me in a prayer to the Person Up There, pleading that hopefully somehow, they'll stop selling Emily stuff. maybe, someHOW, the merchandise will burst in self-combustion the moment they are contaminated by the gods of singapore's mainstream retailer?..
this is quite upsetting. i'm not sure it's very rational/reasonable but i can't stand the idea of someone who doesn't worship Emily getting her stuff. i suppose it's selfish and very possessive. i know she not my property but euch, i cant stand -trendy- people getting in because it's 'in' and looks cool and not because they share her outlook on life.
yes. i know i'm over-reacting.
and being immature as well but hey, who cares? lol.
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i have more to say but i dont have enuff time. notes on Friday the 13th/skule V-day 2ml and a sorta dilemma im facing. um. yes, it's more 'depthful' than my dislike of 77th selling Emily stuff so.
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quote[s]oftheday
- "dateless, and lovin' it. say anything and i'll stuff my sour grapes up sour delicate nostrils."
- "i'm not sure what day i'm on, but it's not today."
said when discussing how my friend felt it was friday instead of wed and another said she still felt 2 days behind time.
- "anyhow draw, it's still a potato"
bio drawing session. yay stem tubers and other root vegetables!
merh, it doesnt sound funny here but it really cracked us up then.
oh well.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
i really shouldn't be blogging
i am overloaded with work. erm, is there such a word? i don't think it comes with an "-ed". oh wtf.
my brain is all buzzy, my schedule is uncomfortably packed and my eyes are tired. noooo....reality has once again kicked me in the arse. it is my O Level year.
ANYWAY, i blogged because i want to comment on a MSN nick on my messenger. it goes something like "i waant v'day prezzies!! sobs" except more cutesyfied with all the letter replacements and mismatched lower/uppercase letters.
Grk. it just reeks of desperateness, it's pathetic! i can't believe she'll sink so loW to drive the hint home. WTF?? AND, it really shows how daft the guy she's aiming it at is if that's how blatant the message must be for him to get it.
it's sickening. her. the way she...i'm lost for words. my god.
it is muchos and uber SAD.
and it's sad as well how valentine's and other festivities are commercialized. it cheapens them and reduces their worth to dirt because we know that the only reason for the hype is money. it's not sincere enthusiasm.
the world is a sad place.
you know their talking about how we should increase our birth rate? well, my opinion is that one reason why rural ppl have more kids is bcause their lights-out is WAAY earlier. after 8 is ptch dark and basically, you dont have much to do and tv? reruns of Barney. how fun.
SO, they have more reason and time to *cough* copulate. hence and therefore, if singapore ever gets seriously desperate, what they should do is enforce black-outs at a certain period of time! woohoo.
and if things get really, REALLY bad...concentration camps! imagine nazi camp Treblinka [i still like this name]. numerous small rooms, barely furnished and a randomly picked out couple and don't you dare come out till you procreate!
twisted.
i suppose IVF etc. would be a more logical/sensible/boring option and solution, but hey where's the fun in that??
i am overloaded with work. erm, is there such a word? i don't think it comes with an "-ed". oh wtf.
my brain is all buzzy, my schedule is uncomfortably packed and my eyes are tired. noooo....reality has once again kicked me in the arse. it is my O Level year.
ANYWAY, i blogged because i want to comment on a MSN nick on my messenger. it goes something like "i waant v'day prezzies!! sobs" except more cutesyfied with all the letter replacements and mismatched lower/uppercase letters.
Grk. it just reeks of desperateness, it's pathetic! i can't believe she'll sink so loW to drive the hint home. WTF?? AND, it really shows how daft the guy she's aiming it at is if that's how blatant the message must be for him to get it.
it's sickening. her. the way she...i'm lost for words. my god.
it is muchos and uber SAD.
and it's sad as well how valentine's and other festivities are commercialized. it cheapens them and reduces their worth to dirt because we know that the only reason for the hype is money. it's not sincere enthusiasm.
the world is a sad place.
you know their talking about how we should increase our birth rate? well, my opinion is that one reason why rural ppl have more kids is bcause their lights-out is WAAY earlier. after 8 is ptch dark and basically, you dont have much to do and tv? reruns of Barney. how fun.
SO, they have more reason and time to *cough* copulate. hence and therefore, if singapore ever gets seriously desperate, what they should do is enforce black-outs at a certain period of time! woohoo.
and if things get really, REALLY bad...concentration camps! imagine nazi camp Treblinka [i still like this name]. numerous small rooms, barely furnished and a randomly picked out couple and don't you dare come out till you procreate!
twisted.
i suppose IVF etc. would be a more logical/sensible/boring option and solution, but hey where's the fun in that??
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
vampires.
WARNING: FLUFF AHEAD
oh yum.
*swoons* the reason why i watched buffy: spike.
i've alwaysalwaysalways loved vampires. it's their element of danger, the swagger and yes, it helps if they wear black leather trenchcoats that billow/swish as they swagger down a dark alley.
wow.
its the way that their seductive, when hunting or/and playing with their 'damsel-in-distress' prey. their accented sarcasm as they taunt the Goodies.
which is also why i loved Queen of the Damned even though the movie wasnt good in itself. i adored it because of...lestat.
in pure unadultrated[?] hormonal teen-speak, he was HOT. there's just soemthing so sensual about vampires...and their habit of walking around half dressed *waves 'yay' banner*
which is also why i love draco.
and smirks! i -adore- SMIRKS. hence, my professed love for spike, draco [NOT tom felton euch], lestat and all smirky, male, british vampires of the underworld. whoops, forgot Peter Pan.
remember karl from love, actually? now if he had any actual lines to speak of, and they were british accented caustic remarks AND he was smirky instead of just standing around all gay model-ish hot..OMG.
bucket! bucket! need bucket!
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
oh no oh no
i am being lured to the very pretty blog, Xanga.
but the templates are so nice....i can't help it.
must remain loyal to blogspot.
must resist.
mustmustmust.
ARGH!
i signed up already.
blogspot, your fate will be decided on whether Xanga is more user-friendly.
*crosses fingers*
i'm not quite sure who i'm rootong for actually. Xanga is looks really good though. but i feel attached to Blogpot.
merp.
why do i always do this to myself?
why?why??why???
i'm supposed to be doing my history essay but do you KNOW what i've been doing? i've been combing through eBay and browsing through the auctions for Evanescence's Origin cd.
"Only 2,500 copies of Origin were produced. Sealed copies are becoming increasingly rare. This cd is an original, official, still sealed copy in absolutely mint condition. It is is one of the few copies that remained in stock after the title was deleted from the record company's catalog."
*SIGHS*
and do you know how much they cost on eBay? the original, trust-worthy ones are reaching $130++.
it's just like the way i trawl through Apple's webby to just ogle at the iPod, knowing that i will never posess it.
never.
*bawls*
i am a compulsive blogger.
dammit, i'm addicted to blogging. it's become part of my routine and you know me. i don't usually like routines imposed on me, but when I'M the imposer, i have, NEED to keep to it. lol.
i sign online, open my msn, check my mail, check the madcap yahoogroup, blog-hop and THEN i blog. ..and mebbe afterwards random surfing.
yes.
ANYWAY.
i think i had my first hysterical episode today. *gigglescries*
i came home, to find my mum had put away my art piece and rested it by the wall and it was SLUMPING. i squeaked because argh! card bent! than i looked closer and i SCREAMED. you see, it's watercolour paper mounted on thick card and the paper's kinda heavy because of the paint/starch gloop i had plopped on it SO the paper was like coming unattached and i
FREAKED.
i really fucking freaked.
i was really PISSED because she moved it [which was not so bad] but THEN, my dad was like 'oh it's all your fault. who ask you? you should have known how the paer wouldn't have stuck on. it's all your fault. you know the mounting glue wasn't strong enuff' etc.
now THT realling fucking peeved me off. first of all, it was HIM ystd who was all lecture-y and all-knowing and glued it together for me and the way he said it was ALL my fault. hello?? if somebody had not rested it that way and left it FLAT on the fucking floor to dry the way i left it ystd, things wouldn't have turned out so bad would it??
and THEN, my mudder was like 'oh, just re-do lah, no big deal. don't over-react, besides, you haven't doen much anyway'.
ARGH!
my heart BLED ok??? this is the first piece in TWO years tht i akshulli knew and had control over what was going on. the first piece that i knew what i wanted to do and she JUST BRUSHED IT OFF like it was so trivial!
ARGH!
she didn't see the value in it! she has forgotten tht you can NEVER draw the same thing exactly twice. it's impossible. even if you TRACE it out, the certain...spark is missing. GONE.
i was so pissed.
while i was talking to her, SHE got annoyed with me because she felt i was over-reacting. ok fine, i was spluttering and VERY emotional but that is NOT over-reacting ok?? i was reacting the way i bloody well should when one of my art thingys is destroyed! meh.
it was then i got my hysterical episode. i was just so INFURIATED that she just did not GET the significance/importance that my tears evolved into those sobbing things with gasping LAUGHTER.
freaky.
it freaked her out as well.
pah, but at least she finally grasped how upset i akshulli was.
my heart BLED ok??
Monday, February 09, 2004
Voluntary Absentism Strikes Again!!
*listening: Meant to Live; Switchfoot*
didn't go to school today but hah! because i'm recuperating from my cold. feeling muchos better.
you know, i could totally handle a 4-day week, 3-day weekend. it really suits me.
i suppose im very self-indulgent. i like listening to songs like 'love is here' [starsailor] and 'lost' [skin] because their very....melancholic. it sort of drags me down into this zone that's quiet, contemplative and achingly poignant. it releases me from the layers that i put on during the day. like a really invigorating shower, i feel REAL. and i actually start feeling, noticing more subtle emotions and making observations that i don't usually allow myself to make.
..and it's from this zone that i can sway dangerously from reaching a temporay nirvana and falling into depression.
hmm.
but i don't think i could go on living without feeling you know? i went through a period of numbness where i just shut down, insulated myself. it was kinda self-destructing i realize now. funny, now i can sorta laugh at it but back then..whoo!
im a 'feeling' kinda person. emotional, sometimes overly so.
each and every emotion is significant and in someway, precious to me. i don't think i could live without. that is why, if you were to tell me the world would be ending tomorrow, my only regret would be that i've never been in love before.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
childhood memories of some sort.
"everybody hates me
nobody wants me
i think i'll eat some worms
big fat squishy ones
long thin wriggly ones
itsy-bitsy tiny little worms
eat a worm
eat a worm
i think i'll eat some worms
big fat squishy ones
long thin wriggly ones
itsy-bitsy tiny little worms"
a song i learnt in kindergarten.
quite a premonition of our future eh? i suppose they were trying to prep us up for the disappointment tht is our life as a Singaporean student. merp.
i think it's quite funny that they taught us this waaay back then. at that time, it was just a fun song to squirm along with as i visualized 'eating' and wondering what they tasted like. and whether they still wriggled as they slipped down one's throat. i've always had the idea that it was a crow singing the song. euch.
and a few years later in primary school, i started wondering whether the worms were poisonous and why the crow wanted to commit suicide.
hmm.
some time back last year, the song re-surfaced back into my life. it was during a.maths lesson with our beloved Mrs. Chiu when she got frustrated with our ineptness and started lecturing on how we need to "pull up our socks" [oh, don't the teachers ADORE this phrase]. then somebody sighed and said "ya. all the teachers hate us".
*which is true, they don't really like our class. the teachers aren't happy cuz we're the slackers and the DM ddn either because ppl in our class kept getting into trouble. *coughcough* AND, around that time, all the teachers were kinda pissed with us and kept lecturing.
so after that sigh, somebody started singing the song. one person joined in, then three and bam. the whole class joined in the rendition of how we'll be eating some worms.
it was quite funny really, and i think it touched Mrs. Chiu's heart cuz after we settled back down into our discouraged selves, she tonelessly said that SHE liked us.
aww.
cue squeals of 'wo ai ni mrs chiu' and beams from everyone. we really do adore her. even tho we're hopelessly pathetic in a.maths, she's always there for us.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
why i might actually consider moving out of a HDB estate
void decks.
my opinion is that yes, they should REMAIN void and be there solely for the purpose of the occasional kid cyclist/blader/heely-er who have not been given permission to cross the road.
no, i do not find it advisable to organize events there ESP. if they have big sound systems. no. no. no. especially! if it's karaoke. i don't care if your singers are /paid/ singers cuz darling, that is NO guarantee that they can sing and that the general masses would appreciate their Gift.
in fact! the only way i agree these events may be legitimized if it is made legally mandatory to have a Simon Cowell attend each of them. yes. i might even pop by to laugh at them.
why the topic?
my very 'active' RC [resident's council] are holding a yam seng sesh right now. which i suppose is all fine and good for the bonding that is deemed critical to make up for the lack of kampung unity that people always hype about. ok fine, so you want to hang out sitting in uncomfy red [i bet it's coloured tht way for luck], drinking syrup diluted with tapwater, laughing at the hosts [something that i would esp do, laugh AT -not with- them] and picking at the orange square puff things in the peanut mix.
fine.
do that.
but HONESTLY, do you need to turn up the volume so loud?? do they really think that we want to listen to all the Hokkien bantering that people laugh at for the sake of laughing? do they think that we actually like the music they blast out? do they think that we don't have our own radio or source of actually listen-able music? do they think that we are THAT deprived musically?
are they THAT delusioned??
cuz fine, if YOU want to go there, and put yourself in situation to be tortured, go on you masochistic freaks. i don't give a damn.
but fergod's sake, please remember the ppl who did NOT buy the $2 tickets to go. these are the people who did not buy because they do not want to go through this..this...nightmareous [OMG. their playing My Heart Will Go On] affair. they specifiaclly did not buy the tickets so they wouldn't have to experience it. PLEASE, respect us non-buyers.
*runs screaming and slams into the wall. dammit, she didn't fall unconscious*
the point is, these people need to just turn up the volume up enuff so that ppl sitting 50m away from the stage can hear. you do not [ok lah, ms 'celine dion' can sing not so bad. wait- i just heard her high parts. i take it back.] i repeat, do NOT have to let the entire of Teck Whye hear how lacking you are of talent. really, you don't.
there is NO POINT. we do NOT want to hear. 50m! im quite sure that less than half of the volume of what their playing now would suffice.
fuck, now this guy is singing the hokkien version. perfect.
*envisions pudgy old man stuffed with peanuts pretending he's Andy Lau*
*shudders*
i tried/was about to go down to politely to tell them to TURN down the volume. i already had my story about how the baby next door was wailing his head off cuz he can't get to sleep and i can't study for this really, really, important test on monday cuz it was just so distracting -cue Pity Me look-
but my dad stopped me. he told me that they'd hurl pig-flesh at me.
-rolls eyes-
gah, i was adamant about going but realized that i wouldn't be able to out-run the mob threatening to hurl their red plastic chairs at me with my cold.
hrmph.
you know what i'm going to do? im going to write a good ol letter of complaint. why not? it's good feedback from the public, and i'll ACTUALLY be putting what i learn in English to good use. and if they happen to not pay attention to my letter, i won't be a rebel without a cause anymore! i will then be able to excuse any future misdeamenours as my protest against LOUD events.
*oh yay, their being racially politically-correct. their now playing an equally horrid malay song. wait, it's hindi, not malay. i think.*
and hah! before anybody leaps at me attacking and accusing me of being racist for condemning this yam seng sesh, hah! i am hereby clearly stating that i am equally against LOUD malay weddings as well. i share NO appreciation for malay music blasting and spoiling my sunday. the drum bit is fine, cuz it lasts like only five minutes and not 5 bloody hours. i have also always contemplated going down to tell them to lower down as well but feared them hurling their large metal pots at me. think about all the good rendang wasted. so yeah, i finally had the nerve to go down today but no...my conservative dad was home. bah, humbug.
besides, why do you think i DON'T go to malay weddings especially if i don't know who YOU are and vice-versa. i only to my relative's when their the one who actually bother to interact with me.
AND, AND i'm sure there's a good lot of chinese residents out there who don't appreciate karaoke.
don't be delusional people!! you canNOT sing! think of us, your fellow humans! think of all the ears that are still functioning! think of all the complaining people are doing in the privacy of their own homes!
THINK OF YOUR KARMA SLIPPING DOWN THE DRAIN FOR PUTTING US INNOCENT + NOT-SO-INNOCENT ONES UNDER THIS TORTURE.
you are NOT kelly clarkson! you are not reuban studdard! and you are NOT clay aiken though you might share the same geeky aura he had pre-AI.
you are NOT anita mui. you are NOT aaron kwok.
you are not even the random and numerous mando-pop offspring of Hong Kong and Taiwan.
meep. save me.
yay Lostprophets.
happyhappyhappy.
yesterday was one of the better-est days i've had since mebbe..bugisCAP?
and i liked it thoroughly even though i was down with the cold. *sniff*
skule was okaaay, was sick so i could slack of during random chosen times and more importantly, tedious and not-so-interesting *coughenglishcough* lessons. spent pe sitting at the bustop listening to my discman, waving at this cute little kid who just discovered how to drink from those packet drinks [..aw] and croaking encouragement as my classmates ran towrds the finish point before promptly instructing them to do sit-ups + push-ups. mmph, Teacher's Little Helper. whee.
it's fun telling ppl to do stuff.
....especially if ur exempted from it. *ponders* you know, i think i wouldn't mind being a Dictator. first thing i'll do would be to send all the act-cutesy, pink-obsessed lians and the mats+minahs who dared to laugh at me before i rose to power to siberia. i'm sure putin wouldn't mind...um, he's still Russia's big man isn't he? or is he dead? hrm.
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after skule, we headed off to Ngee Ann's open house. [note: ACJC open house; 21 feb] which at first started off not quite so well cuz it was sweltering and we were aimlessly wandering around.
and we got free Cornetto. yum.
oh!oh!oh! but in the first FIVE minutes we stepped in, we spotted 4 really hot guys. yay to eye candy. by the end of the day, our count went up to...23.
23 real head-turners. and they all looked like Gatsby ads w/o the tacky clothes and equally tacky soundtrack following around.
the library is really gorgey there. it's just as nice as the one at Esplanade except better [to me] because well, the one at E is dedicated to theatre and music but the one there was really extensive. they even had a great Humour section [something as possible as liquid fire in my school] and i found a quote in one of them:
"the only orgasm a woman gets is from shopping."
- Cher
which brings me to the next and bestest point!!
*BEAMS*
..i went shopping! there was a fair there with all these stalls and one was selling tees and it so turns out that she was one of the main suppliers who imports the stuff and send out them out to the random shops in Orchard. and, and AND! they had Emily!! and not /ONLY/ did they have Emily tees, they had them in BAGGY sizes which canNOT be found anywhere else! she told me that shops normally order the smaller sizes [idiots!] because they think that's what we Asian girls want. pooey, what do THEY noe?
AND! i got them friggin' cheap! 3 for $25. that is UNbelieveble. one shirt normally costs $18-nish and that's the small sizes...*blissful sigh*
so now, i have 2 very nice tees and one long sleeved im using as a sweater.
AND! i bought my replacement leather cuff. yay, me! it's muchos nicer than the one at Heeren and very, very much cheaper. shall not reveal the price lest people think im a complete cheap-o. which coincidentally, i am. -blinks-
orgasmic.
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*the trip to the poly was only productive in the sense that now i know that i HAVE to go JC because i do not like what's at poly.
i used to be able to say tht hey, nvm, i can always go poly if don't make it to jC but now i can't. ..i'm just not interested in what they teach at poly except mass comm and EVERYBODY want's tht. and the guy says their only taking in 200 for 2004 then what about OUR batch?? in case you dont know [which i doubt], we're the babyboom batch ie. LOTS of competition. merp.
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and here's another AND!
if i thought they day couldn't get better, i was wrong.
i just bounced back home and was tokking with my mudder gloating about my day when kass called about the debate to ask whether i wanted to go whic of course, duh, i did. in fact, i've been moaning to my skule friends about how much i wanted to go but in my true typical self, hesitated asking ppl about the details in fear of um...grk. it's my social insecurity. [note to self: must get rid of that]
so anyways, even though i just got home, i left again after scoffing down a burger my mom had bought. whee.
came just in time to see IJ vs. Nanyang. IJ did great, nanyang..erm. but ppl said tht their Team 1 was muchos better so yeah! *shrugs* it's all about experience. or the lack of it.
it almost felt like CAP again. lots of CAPpers there. including ppl i ddn noe by name but look familiar. see? i remember you Random ppl!!
hrm. wished the day lasted longer. and aaron maniam rawked, heh. he was one of the judges and mid-way, he got up and left the room to shout at the ppl outside to tell 'em to shut up. whoo!
couldn't find the 67 stop opp. AC and it was kinda dark and all creepy so ddn dare to wnader around by myself. got directions from this guy and ended up talking to him on the bus as well. glad to know there are still nice ppl out there *remembers the lady who slammed her car door in my face b4 driving away when i asked her for a lift to the main road w/o saying a word when i was stranded at Turf City.* niway, the guy told me CJC=not a condusive learning environ so keep tht in mind ppl! and when i reached my stop, he ominously told me to "study hard". *shudders* are the O's gna be tht bad?...
--}hugs to bern+vince! didn't manage to see you guys but pretty sure you did great...and somehow, if you look at a situation properly, winning isn't the only thing that matters.
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what makes bad HP fanfic.
- bad writing; ie. awkward conversation. do people actually TALK like that??gerk. and, when they don't get the characters right. it's painful reading a draco who's just shallowly mean and jerky etc. ouch. vernon all 'it's ok harry'?snape all smiley and not even parody-cally so?
- overly sappy fics. i've read good ones but the bad ones are worse than bad. their HORRID.
- american-ising. HP is british damn you! this is the worst. i can't stand it. i don't know how to define it but you can tell when you read the fic. it just feels wrong.
- oh and i forgot. if the author intentionally or not slips in his/her own's petty biasness and prejudices in the fic. it's usually small hints and more likely accidental but it makes the fic just so very ugly.
i'm not condemning the authors. in fact, i think it's great that they've got the nerve to put up their works on the internet leaving them vulnerable to fussy readers to criticize. brave enuff to face the possible condemnation. something i hesitate to do myself. oh well.
and i have read fantastic fanfic. authors who successfully manipulated/altered the characters to suit the plot and yet manage to keep the essence of Rowling's character there. it's possible, and i think THAT'S the mark of a good fanfic writer.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
My Apologies.
i am sorry for being neurotically unstable.
i am sorry for dragging you with me down this rollercoaster ride.
i am sorry for expecting you to stick by me; i know you have other things to do.
i am sorry for being pissed at you ven though i DO know i have no reason to
i am sorry for having you to bear with my intense and irrational mood swings.
i am sorry now for being in your life. maybe it's better without.
i am sorry for pulling you down with me.
i am sorry for resenting you because you don't understand and yes, i know you never will.
i am sorry for being here.
i am sorry that you see me and yet, you do not.
i am sorry that people have to read this post and realize what an arse i really am.
i am sorry that you will realize that i am NOT bubbly and i am NOT going to be trotting off to Tellytubbland on a glittery rainbow anytime soon.
Hear me world!
i am sorry.
now please, fuck off.
_____________________________
everytime i go through a Period [no- i'm not talking about menstruation here], it's like a rock drops into my..heart? soul? whatever. it just weighs me down. then i get better, i get back up again. but with each Period, it gets harder and harder to get up and pretend that i'm ok. that i'm fine.
with each rock, it just gets easier to crumple into a heap on the dirty, gritty floor and continue life from there.
i've never been fine. i've never been ok.
it's even more....painful? that people have always thought that i was. painful because i managed to convince them that i am alright. it's quite funny really.
i'm neurotic. unstable. i sway from being psychopathic and being sociopathic.
i would throughly understand if people..step away.
dare you step into thy world? 'tis not a pretty place.
and don't, DON'T tell me that other people go through the same pressures and stress and that they manage to stay upright and that their ok and that their perefectly fine.
i already feel pathetic enuff.
*i think, i'll just go find a nice hole to crawl in and wait for the world to end. yes; that shall be my..motivation.
i am sorry for dragging you with me down this rollercoaster ride.
i am sorry for expecting you to stick by me; i know you have other things to do.
i am sorry for being pissed at you ven though i DO know i have no reason to
i am sorry for having you to bear with my intense and irrational mood swings.
i am sorry now for being in your life. maybe it's better without.
i am sorry for pulling you down with me.
i am sorry for resenting you because you don't understand and yes, i know you never will.
i am sorry for being here.
i am sorry that you see me and yet, you do not.
i am sorry that people have to read this post and realize what an arse i really am.
i am sorry that you will realize that i am NOT bubbly and i am NOT going to be trotting off to Tellytubbland on a glittery rainbow anytime soon.
Hear me world!
i am sorry.
now please, fuck off.
_____________________________
everytime i go through a Period [no- i'm not talking about menstruation here], it's like a rock drops into my..heart? soul? whatever. it just weighs me down. then i get better, i get back up again. but with each Period, it gets harder and harder to get up and pretend that i'm ok. that i'm fine.
with each rock, it just gets easier to crumple into a heap on the dirty, gritty floor and continue life from there.
i've never been fine. i've never been ok.
it's even more....painful? that people have always thought that i was. painful because i managed to convince them that i am alright. it's quite funny really.
i'm neurotic. unstable. i sway from being psychopathic and being sociopathic.
i would throughly understand if people..step away.
dare you step into thy world? 'tis not a pretty place.
and don't, DON'T tell me that other people go through the same pressures and stress and that they manage to stay upright and that their ok and that their perefectly fine.
i already feel pathetic enuff.
*i think, i'll just go find a nice hole to crawl in and wait for the world to end. yes; that shall be my..motivation.
Monday, February 02, 2004
bus rides and such.
took the 67 allll the way to Bedok today. for those not in the know[?], bedok is on the far side of east singapore and i live in the west.
it was fascinating really. i've always loved bus rides even though they leave me with a neck ache from all the window-gazing. i brought my chemistry with me, planning to read through it during the ride but as expected, it was left untouched.
i had no idea 67 went to bedok; to me, it's always been the bus that i sometimes take to school and the one tht goes to bukit timah..it goes to Little India as well. *sighs* CAP memories. somebody just kill me!
so why was i travelling all the way to bedok? to meet my cousins. to study. to tutor emaths. on a public holiday.
!
yes, yes. calm down. this is izyanti and no, i have not been abducted by aliens and brainwashed by Tellytubby-loving freaks.
i was studying on a public holiday.
i was tutoring! emaths.
i think the lattar is more shocking really.
___________________________
heh. i just read the latest addition of madCAP's "Pass The Prose". i laughed so hard i was tearing. wait, that was my eyeliner. no, wait. it wasn't. LOL.
___________________________
i think my mother has recently been going through a mid-life crisis. out of nowhere, she has been whipping up these culinary delights on her newly-bought $400++ set of pots to the joyness and widening girth of us who reside under our roof.
i've always known she could cook, she is above average but she's not usually.....adventurous. she normally sticks to the few dishes that she knows and has never taken much interest in learning more stuff so it's pleasantly surpising.
suddenly, laksa! quiche! pineapple tarts! different numerous random types of pudding!
whoo!
Tom Chan ie. PE enforcer will not be happy.
_______________________________
my cousin linked my blog to her friend and his response after reading it was that i'm scary.
BOOGABOOGABOOGA!
see? that's scary. me, scary?
hardly.
right? but then again, after reading through my OWN blogg [i don't usually do this] i suppose my rather violent mood swings can be....disturbing.
so is that it?
or is it my habit of calling random people who annoy me fuckers? nah. doubt so.
opinion, people?
_________________________
"hello my name is izyanti and i'm a blog-hopper."
"hello izyanti."
a possible scene at a Bloghopper Anonymous session? huh.
the first thing i do when i go online after checking my mail is to surf other people's blogs. it's become a habit and it's rather addictive. i used to think it was fun seeing what people are up to..a way sort of to keep in contact esp with ppl you don;t see everyday.
recently however, after reading a certain person's blog, it left me feeling..left-out? it pains me that you know, such a significant happening well, happened and the person didn't tell me. this is not a direct blast at anybody but just a note on how blogs are starting to make me feel.
it's starting to make me wonder stuff like "you DO consider me as a friend, right?" and "do i even really know you?"
but then of course, it's not that i expect ppl to tell me each and every single thing that happensto them from what they ate and how their fart smells like [although strangely, i think /would/ be interested even though i would be thoroughly grossed out as well]. it just leaves me feeling left out that i'm not in their lives. or significant enuff to them.
egads, i'm pathetic.
talk to me people! i welcome your contact! and in the rare occurence that i find you boring and/or i don't want you around me; my ignoring you will be your cue to turn and walk towards the exit door.
________________________
*i haven't met any guys who make me laugh. oh wait- i have. but their like, guy FRIENDS and that's the reason why their my friends actually.
i have a feeling i'm not getting to the point her and i've lost interest in the point i was going to make.
oh well.
it was fascinating really. i've always loved bus rides even though they leave me with a neck ache from all the window-gazing. i brought my chemistry with me, planning to read through it during the ride but as expected, it was left untouched.
i had no idea 67 went to bedok; to me, it's always been the bus that i sometimes take to school and the one tht goes to bukit timah..it goes to Little India as well. *sighs* CAP memories. somebody just kill me!
so why was i travelling all the way to bedok? to meet my cousins. to study. to tutor emaths. on a public holiday.
!
yes, yes. calm down. this is izyanti and no, i have not been abducted by aliens and brainwashed by Tellytubby-loving freaks.
i was studying on a public holiday.
i was tutoring! emaths.
i think the lattar is more shocking really.
___________________________
heh. i just read the latest addition of madCAP's "Pass The Prose". i laughed so hard i was tearing. wait, that was my eyeliner. no, wait. it wasn't. LOL.
___________________________
i think my mother has recently been going through a mid-life crisis. out of nowhere, she has been whipping up these culinary delights on her newly-bought $400++ set of pots to the joyness and widening girth of us who reside under our roof.
i've always known she could cook, she is above average but she's not usually.....adventurous. she normally sticks to the few dishes that she knows and has never taken much interest in learning more stuff so it's pleasantly surpising.
suddenly, laksa! quiche! pineapple tarts! different numerous random types of pudding!
whoo!
Tom Chan ie. PE enforcer will not be happy.
_______________________________
my cousin linked my blog to her friend and his response after reading it was that i'm scary.
BOOGABOOGABOOGA!
see? that's scary. me, scary?
hardly.
right? but then again, after reading through my OWN blogg [i don't usually do this] i suppose my rather violent mood swings can be....disturbing.
so is that it?
or is it my habit of calling random people who annoy me fuckers? nah. doubt so.
opinion, people?
_________________________
"hello my name is izyanti and i'm a blog-hopper."
"hello izyanti."
a possible scene at a Bloghopper Anonymous session? huh.
the first thing i do when i go online after checking my mail is to surf other people's blogs. it's become a habit and it's rather addictive. i used to think it was fun seeing what people are up to..a way sort of to keep in contact esp with ppl you don;t see everyday.
recently however, after reading a certain person's blog, it left me feeling..left-out? it pains me that you know, such a significant happening well, happened and the person didn't tell me. this is not a direct blast at anybody but just a note on how blogs are starting to make me feel.
it's starting to make me wonder stuff like "you DO consider me as a friend, right?" and "do i even really know you?"
but then of course, it's not that i expect ppl to tell me each and every single thing that happensto them from what they ate and how their fart smells like [although strangely, i think /would/ be interested even though i would be thoroughly grossed out as well]. it just leaves me feeling left out that i'm not in their lives. or significant enuff to them.
egads, i'm pathetic.
talk to me people! i welcome your contact! and in the rare occurence that i find you boring and/or i don't want you around me; my ignoring you will be your cue to turn and walk towards the exit door.
________________________
*i haven't met any guys who make me laugh. oh wait- i have. but their like, guy FRIENDS and that's the reason why their my friends actually.
i have a feeling i'm not getting to the point her and i've lost interest in the point i was going to make.
oh well.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
gripes and stuff.
grk.
i don't think it's very fair when my relatives draw attention to my non-ability of speaking malay and make fun of it. they call me 'proud' when i speak english, as if i think malay is low-class and that i've forgotten my race.
it's not fair because it feels as if THEY are the ones looking down at me, their the ones condemning me.
it's shitty and i hate it.
and i do NOT think malay is low-class or anything of that sort. it's not that i INTENTIONALLY speak english and INTENTIONALLY abandon malay. i'm just more comfortable with english and honestly, i really wish they will stop making such a big deal out of it.
you think i don't like malay? well the only bloody reason i don't like it is beacuse people like YOU highlight and emphasize my incompetence at it so EXCUSE me, if i've associated my resentment with the word "malay".
this has NOTHING to do with my race. i have NEVER wished myself to be yellow, red, or black; i am perfectly fine with my ethnicity!
and you know what else? i think malay is a great language! at it's best, the poetry sounds really fantastic and yeah, i do find it sad that hey, i don't understand shit. but i will NEVER voice out my self-disappoinment because of people like YOU and until you stop discriminating against people like me.
huh. the English don't neccesarily speak good English either so fuck you.
and it's not only them [esp. during the dreaded Family Events] but generally other people as well. they find my incompetence VERY kindly put, funny.
i am /not/ being over-sensitive ok. i can sense their disdain when they consider my incompetence at "my own mother tongue". and it's not as if it's chinese, which is difficult.
malay, hah!
it's supposed to be an easy subject! huh.
how can you SUCK at malay? huh.
fuck you all.
that is why i shall not excuse myself for gloating when i hear about new JC students complaining that [read today's Gen Y section in The Straits Times] they can't fit in because everybody speaks english there. i shall shamelessly gloat as they complain about why the students there don't use phrases like 'wah piang' etc and how they feel so out of place.
hah! double hah! it's payback time!
*eville glint in eye* now you know how I feel you fuckers.
yes, please continue to snicker at my awkward malay and please, do continue sniggering at my 'excessive' use of english words.
i shall wait for you to go to JC and then, i shall go and snicker/snigger in your face while stomping on your "new-branded-sneakers-because-i'm-in-JC-now".
hah. and double fucking hah!
i don't think it's very fair when my relatives draw attention to my non-ability of speaking malay and make fun of it. they call me 'proud' when i speak english, as if i think malay is low-class and that i've forgotten my race.
it's not fair because it feels as if THEY are the ones looking down at me, their the ones condemning me.
it's shitty and i hate it.
and i do NOT think malay is low-class or anything of that sort. it's not that i INTENTIONALLY speak english and INTENTIONALLY abandon malay. i'm just more comfortable with english and honestly, i really wish they will stop making such a big deal out of it.
you think i don't like malay? well the only bloody reason i don't like it is beacuse people like YOU highlight and emphasize my incompetence at it so EXCUSE me, if i've associated my resentment with the word "malay".
this has NOTHING to do with my race. i have NEVER wished myself to be yellow, red, or black; i am perfectly fine with my ethnicity!
and you know what else? i think malay is a great language! at it's best, the poetry sounds really fantastic and yeah, i do find it sad that hey, i don't understand shit. but i will NEVER voice out my self-disappoinment because of people like YOU and until you stop discriminating against people like me.
huh. the English don't neccesarily speak good English either so fuck you.
and it's not only them [esp. during the dreaded Family Events] but generally other people as well. they find my incompetence VERY kindly put, funny.
i am /not/ being over-sensitive ok. i can sense their disdain when they consider my incompetence at "my own mother tongue". and it's not as if it's chinese, which is difficult.
malay, hah!
it's supposed to be an easy subject! huh.
how can you SUCK at malay? huh.
fuck you all.
that is why i shall not excuse myself for gloating when i hear about new JC students complaining that [read today's Gen Y section in The Straits Times] they can't fit in because everybody speaks english there. i shall shamelessly gloat as they complain about why the students there don't use phrases like 'wah piang' etc and how they feel so out of place.
hah! double hah! it's payback time!
*eville glint in eye* now you know how I feel you fuckers.
yes, please continue to snicker at my awkward malay and please, do continue sniggering at my 'excessive' use of english words.
i shall wait for you to go to JC and then, i shall go and snicker/snigger in your face while stomping on your "new-branded-sneakers-because-i'm-in-JC-now".
hah. and double fucking hah!
Friday, January 30, 2004
om.
i am happy.
you know what's good about depression? once you get out of it, you start appreciating the little things in life that [cliche alert!] bring joy to you even if its rather insignificant. after feeling blah for a period of time, feeling good well, feels good. it feels better.
yes. that's quite enuff on sensitive matters like "feelings" and such. i hope you didn't end up puking over your keyboard. last i heard, wet sticky keyboards aren't nice to type on.
the sun has finally decided to show up and shine! yay.
it really has cheered me up. usually, i DO link the rain but a whole week of it is just to much. i can only imagine what winter is like then. *shudders*
the weather was fantastic today. a perfect day to spend on the beach but instead, spent at school. oh welly well. we make do with what we have. the sun was shining perfectly; not in the sweltering way or the humid after-rain kind. it was bright and clear and the warmth on my face felt absolutely blissful. there was a slight breeze blowing and i felt so...at peace.
it was a great day. i can honestly say that hey, i felt good today. *beams* haven't had that in a long time.
i had a nice chat with my friend during art about general stuff. what we want in life, typical complaining and...it was just a good bonding sesh. it made me think of how much i actually like my social situation. i'm not popular etc. but i have a fantastic best friend and a couple of good friends i know who can be depended on. so yeah.
happiness galore.
and my art is going really well. usually, i get stuck part-way quite a bit, n0t knowing what to do next or when my muse decides to abandon me and take a nice long vacation in the Bahamas. but not this time! i know what i'm doing and i have a very positive feeling about how it will turn out so yayness.
_______________________________________
i recently bought Longman's Guide to Modern World History and was browsing through it yesterday before going t0 sleep. in my sleep-induced haze, i came upon this word in one of the PREFACES.
"syllabuses".
my mind was kinda plodding throught drowsiness so i was wondering, syllabuses? is THERE such a word? ...syllabus, syllabuses? before dropping off at ZzzLand.
when i woke up this morning i thought, shit there is NO such word! i was quite horrified actually. isn't Longman supposed to be a reputable publisher?? i did not buy a guidebook from dodgy publishers printed on cheap paper. it's Longman. Maybe it's just me, but i've always held Longamn in high regard. i thought it was dependable but i suppose not...i suppose i can't blame the writer of that preface. Grammatical errors do occur, however. the editor! how can you NOT notice a glaring error like that?
singular: syllabus.
plural: syllabi.
geez, and check out the "blurb" at the back.
"Longman Effective Guide to O'Level Modern World History will enhance your revision for the examinations. The reasons are many. It has a comprehensive section on Preparing for the Examination, chapter overviews, excellent notes in the point form and revision tests on the major countries. There is also a unique series of sectional Highlights of Critical Issues in the syllabus, concept tables, fast track reviews of all topics in syllabus, a mid year and final examination papers to round up your preparation. Last but not least, there are generous doses of advice on how to do well in the examinations which may meke a lot of difference in your final marks."
erm, it sounds like one of my malay essays.
egads.
you know what's good about depression? once you get out of it, you start appreciating the little things in life that [cliche alert!] bring joy to you even if its rather insignificant. after feeling blah for a period of time, feeling good well, feels good. it feels better.
yes. that's quite enuff on sensitive matters like "feelings" and such. i hope you didn't end up puking over your keyboard. last i heard, wet sticky keyboards aren't nice to type on.
the sun has finally decided to show up and shine! yay.
it really has cheered me up. usually, i DO link the rain but a whole week of it is just to much. i can only imagine what winter is like then. *shudders*
the weather was fantastic today. a perfect day to spend on the beach but instead, spent at school. oh welly well. we make do with what we have. the sun was shining perfectly; not in the sweltering way or the humid after-rain kind. it was bright and clear and the warmth on my face felt absolutely blissful. there was a slight breeze blowing and i felt so...at peace.
it was a great day. i can honestly say that hey, i felt good today. *beams* haven't had that in a long time.
i had a nice chat with my friend during art about general stuff. what we want in life, typical complaining and...it was just a good bonding sesh. it made me think of how much i actually like my social situation. i'm not popular etc. but i have a fantastic best friend and a couple of good friends i know who can be depended on. so yeah.
happiness galore.
and my art is going really well. usually, i get stuck part-way quite a bit, n0t knowing what to do next or when my muse decides to abandon me and take a nice long vacation in the Bahamas. but not this time! i know what i'm doing and i have a very positive feeling about how it will turn out so yayness.
_______________________________________
i recently bought Longman's Guide to Modern World History and was browsing through it yesterday before going t0 sleep. in my sleep-induced haze, i came upon this word in one of the PREFACES.
"syllabuses".
my mind was kinda plodding throught drowsiness so i was wondering, syllabuses? is THERE such a word? ...syllabus, syllabuses? before dropping off at ZzzLand.
when i woke up this morning i thought, shit there is NO such word! i was quite horrified actually. isn't Longman supposed to be a reputable publisher?? i did not buy a guidebook from dodgy publishers printed on cheap paper. it's Longman. Maybe it's just me, but i've always held Longamn in high regard. i thought it was dependable but i suppose not...i suppose i can't blame the writer of that preface. Grammatical errors do occur, however. the editor! how can you NOT notice a glaring error like that?
singular: syllabus.
plural: syllabi.
geez, and check out the "blurb" at the back.
"Longman Effective Guide to O'Level Modern World History will enhance your revision for the examinations. The reasons are many. It has a comprehensive section on Preparing for the Examination, chapter overviews, excellent notes in the point form and revision tests on the major countries. There is also a unique series of sectional Highlights of Critical Issues in the syllabus, concept tables, fast track reviews of all topics in syllabus, a mid year and final examination papers to round up your preparation. Last but not least, there are generous doses of advice on how to do well in the examinations which may meke a lot of difference in your final marks."
erm, it sounds like one of my malay essays.
egads.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
i want to be alone; and yet like all humans, i don't.
something that might never happen: me making up my mind on what i want.
i think i should learn to shut up. i think at times, people get freaked out by how..."abstract" i can get. and no, we are not talking about the philosophical kind; more like "this-is-what's-in-my-head-right-now-and-yes-i-know-it's-irrelevent" kind. i think people get tired of it after awhile and that they get impatient with me and they start to think of me as a ditz who comes up with the most illogical and at times, stupid thoughts, ideas, concepts and explanations.
no? come on, tell me that you've never been "amazed" at how irrelevent i can get. Good: thinking out of the box. Bad: i'm so beyond the box that i've fallen of this dimension and landed on my arse. ouch.
nobody gets me sometimes, and i suppose THEY don't get me because there's something wrong with ME. *ponders* their normal or at least share the same plane of human-like normalcy that i obviously lost the directions to.
i feel stupid. they make me feel stupid when they a] stare at me blankly b] laugh.
yes, i very mucheth feel stupideth.
that is why, i think i would embarass myself much less if i shut up. right? it makes sense right? since i won't say anything; people i talk to won't go around thinking "wha'? this girl's nuts."
so shut up?
erm.
*really! i'm serious. the next time i feel the urge to say the things that randomly pop into my head, should i quell it and NOT say it? a niggling feeling says to hell with it and say what you want. but i do hate the blank looks and/or even worse - looks of disbelief. like i said...it makes me feel stupid.
maybe i shud go around with a "I Not Stupid" tag. you thing ol' Jack Neo would pay me for endorsing? cuz money's good.
i think i should learn to shut up. i think at times, people get freaked out by how..."abstract" i can get. and no, we are not talking about the philosophical kind; more like "this-is-what's-in-my-head-right-now-and-yes-i-know-it's-irrelevent" kind. i think people get tired of it after awhile and that they get impatient with me and they start to think of me as a ditz who comes up with the most illogical and at times, stupid thoughts, ideas, concepts and explanations.
no? come on, tell me that you've never been "amazed" at how irrelevent i can get. Good: thinking out of the box. Bad: i'm so beyond the box that i've fallen of this dimension and landed on my arse. ouch.
nobody gets me sometimes, and i suppose THEY don't get me because there's something wrong with ME. *ponders* their normal or at least share the same plane of human-like normalcy that i obviously lost the directions to.
i feel stupid. they make me feel stupid when they a] stare at me blankly b] laugh.
yes, i very mucheth feel stupideth.
that is why, i think i would embarass myself much less if i shut up. right? it makes sense right? since i won't say anything; people i talk to won't go around thinking "wha'? this girl's nuts."
so shut up?
erm.
*really! i'm serious. the next time i feel the urge to say the things that randomly pop into my head, should i quell it and NOT say it? a niggling feeling says to hell with it and say what you want. but i do hate the blank looks and/or even worse - looks of disbelief. like i said...it makes me feel stupid.
maybe i shud go around with a "I Not Stupid" tag. you thing ol' Jack Neo would pay me for endorsing? cuz money's good.
so cold.
finally went back to school. the dread; the dread. i seriously contemplated truancy. a few steps away from entering the school and halfway through school itself.
it was bad, real bad. i was visualising how my teacher would react if i just walked out of class. didn't think it would've made much of a difference niwae since i was hardly absorbing anything. too stoned.
i think people noticed i wasn't being myself.
i finally cried. in the middle of e.maths actually. nobody noticed execpt my best freind but that was only because my head was on her lap. it felt good and painful at the same time. it was the silent choking kind..the ones that have so much coming out, that it get's all trapped up inside.
painful.
thank god for my hoodie. all i had to was put up my hood and it hides my face. yay.
i felt better bit by bit afterwards. slowly.
i'm not completely over this period but it's getting better. now that i am, i'm being more rational over why i'm upset.
i felt..broken. incomplete. and my work was snowballing because i just ceased functioning like i usually do. and when i feel like something's missing, i close up. a missing link mebbe, a short circuit somewhere.
but the cause of it still remains. something's missing in my life. a spark of some sort. i seem to have lost it somewhere along the line and i need it. but i don't know what it is and i don't know where to find it. and i need it.
i'm incomplete.
it was bad, real bad. i was visualising how my teacher would react if i just walked out of class. didn't think it would've made much of a difference niwae since i was hardly absorbing anything. too stoned.
i think people noticed i wasn't being myself.
i finally cried. in the middle of e.maths actually. nobody noticed execpt my best freind but that was only because my head was on her lap. it felt good and painful at the same time. it was the silent choking kind..the ones that have so much coming out, that it get's all trapped up inside.
painful.
thank god for my hoodie. all i had to was put up my hood and it hides my face. yay.
i felt better bit by bit afterwards. slowly.
i'm not completely over this period but it's getting better. now that i am, i'm being more rational over why i'm upset.
i felt..broken. incomplete. and my work was snowballing because i just ceased functioning like i usually do. and when i feel like something's missing, i close up. a missing link mebbe, a short circuit somewhere.
but the cause of it still remains. something's missing in my life. a spark of some sort. i seem to have lost it somewhere along the line and i need it. but i don't know what it is and i don't know where to find it. and i need it.
i'm incomplete.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
-untitled-
do we see what we see?
or do we paint.draw.create.carve
a reality that exists because of
us.
and our twisted exquisite nightmares
look up. see the sky.
blue.beautiful.achingly
unreachable
stretch your hand. try
just try; go on. scrabble
in an attempt
to own a piece of the sky
try touch it.
go on. hold it.
put it in you pocket and yes,
every now and then, reach
inside [touchfeelfondle] the fragment
of heaven now so rightfully
yours.
but you can't
you know you can't
and you've always known.
isn't it perfect?
undeniably impossible. unattainable
it /is/ perfect.
now look down. no it
isn't blue. it's
dirty.
contaminated.spoiled
algae conquering the
concrete, traces of
the past present and maybe-future
there: tearscreamsweat
reach down.
touchfeelfondle
it's not the heaven you wanted.
its wetgrittyheretherenow and
real.
or do we paint.draw.create.carve
a reality that exists because of
us.
and our twisted exquisite nightmares
look up. see the sky.
blue.beautiful.achingly
unreachable
stretch your hand. try
just try; go on. scrabble
in an attempt
to own a piece of the sky
try touch it.
go on. hold it.
put it in you pocket and yes,
every now and then, reach
inside [touchfeelfondle] the fragment
of heaven now so rightfully
yours.
but you can't
you know you can't
and you've always known.
isn't it perfect?
undeniably impossible. unattainable
it /is/ perfect.
now look down. no it
isn't blue. it's
dirty.
contaminated.spoiled
algae conquering the
concrete, traces of
the past present and maybe-future
there: tearscreamsweat
reach down.
touchfeelfondle
it's not the heaven you wanted.
its wetgrittyheretherenow and
real.
Feel the ice.
the cold draft
sweeps in.
the piercing slick sheet
of sheer satin. a cutting
forbidden nirvana.
bliss because i feel.
skin tingle; hair
stands. i'm alive
are you?
can you sense the chill?
the ache that comes with
time and the life that goes by
too fast. much too fast.
[blur and gone
one,
two,
three.
gone.]
no you don't
i know you don't
that's why i'm alone. right
her and now - deafened by the
silent solace i once thought had been my forbidden
nirvana.
facade;
lifted.
it's hell/heaven/torment/bliss
since You do not feel:
not knowing (forgetting) how to
numb.
.happy
and i'm not.
its been raining for..um, since thursday.
will it ever stop raining?
i Randomly messaged people to "tell" them my equally random observation of patches of algae growing on the grain of the concrete sidewalks. i don't thing the sidewalks have been dry since thursday.
and people found this observation disgusting. i don't.
i mean, it's not SLIMY. it's just slowly turning a patchy green.
i honestly thought it was quite interesting.
you mean it isn't? --.
i didn't go to school today. it's called voluntary absentism. i needed to stay away from school, be alone for awhile. temporarily misanthropic. and i suppose, beacuse i'm facing a lot of pressure from undone homework and unfulfilled 'responsibilities'. erk. i hate it.
it's all getting very draggy at Ye Olde Skule. The other day during recess, i plopped myslef down at my classroom's doorway to just zone out with Starsailor. and i akshulli fell asleep and deep sleep at that! i was akshulli dreaming. i woke up to see two councillors looking down at me and asking me to go down. how embarassing. geez.
there's something lacking these days and i'm not sure at all what. a spark is missing.
i Randomly messaged people to "tell" them my equally random observation of patches of algae growing on the grain of the concrete sidewalks. i don't thing the sidewalks have been dry since thursday.
and people found this observation disgusting. i don't.
i mean, it's not SLIMY. it's just slowly turning a patchy green.
i honestly thought it was quite interesting.
you mean it isn't? --.
i didn't go to school today. it's called voluntary absentism. i needed to stay away from school, be alone for awhile. temporarily misanthropic. and i suppose, beacuse i'm facing a lot of pressure from undone homework and unfulfilled 'responsibilities'. erk. i hate it.
it's all getting very draggy at Ye Olde Skule. The other day during recess, i plopped myslef down at my classroom's doorway to just zone out with Starsailor. and i akshulli fell asleep and deep sleep at that! i was akshulli dreaming. i woke up to see two councillors looking down at me and asking me to go down. how embarassing. geez.
there's something lacking these days and i'm not sure at all what. a spark is missing.
its been raining for..um, since thursday.
will it ever stop raining?
i Randomly messaged people to "tell" them my equally random observation of patches of algae growing on the grain of the concrete sidewalks. i don't thing the sidewalks have been dry since thursday.
and people found this observation disgusting. i don't.
i mean, it's not SLIMY. it's just slowly turning a patchy green.
i honestly thought it was quite interesting.
you mean it isn't? --.
i didn't go to school today. it's called voluntary absentism. i needed to stay away from school, be alone for awhile. temporarily misanthropic. and i suppose, beacuse i'm facing a lot of pressure from undone homework and unfulfilled 'responsibilities'. erk. i hate it.
it's all getting very draggy at Ye Olde Skule. The other day during recess, i plopped myslef down at my classroom's doorway to just zone out with Starsailor. and i akshulli fell asleep and deep sleep at that! i was akshulli dreaming. i woke up to see two councillors looking down at me and asking me to go down. how embarassing. geez.
there's something lacking these days and i'm not sure at all what. a spark is missing.
i Randomly messaged people to "tell" them my equally random observation of patches of algae growing on the grain of the concrete sidewalks. i don't thing the sidewalks have been dry since thursday.
and people found this observation disgusting. i don't.
i mean, it's not SLIMY. it's just slowly turning a patchy green.
i honestly thought it was quite interesting.
you mean it isn't? --.
i didn't go to school today. it's called voluntary absentism. i needed to stay away from school, be alone for awhile. temporarily misanthropic. and i suppose, beacuse i'm facing a lot of pressure from undone homework and unfulfilled 'responsibilities'. erk. i hate it.
it's all getting very draggy at Ye Olde Skule. The other day during recess, i plopped myslef down at my classroom's doorway to just zone out with Starsailor. and i akshulli fell asleep and deep sleep at that! i was akshulli dreaming. i woke up to see two councillors looking down at me and asking me to go down. how embarassing. geez.
there's something lacking these days and i'm not sure at all what. a spark is missing.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
downdowndown
the rain is bringing me down.
today was downdowndown.
i was snarly and sarcastic the whole day and when i wasn't, i was either silent and listless [as my friend so cheerfully pointed out] or sleeping.
and i dropped my starsailor cd case and the tip of it chipped off. phuck.
*snarls*
oh the woe-someness of mood swings.
i'm a horribly self-indulgent, pathetic arse wallowing in depression when i clearly know i have no excuse to. i make myself sick.
snap out of it? uh.
i was held up at NTUC's cashier trying to pay for my ONE can of chrys. tea by this fussy father who decided to change the can on abalone they were buying. so the poor cashier had to run around finding the right can, of the the right brand and the right price that satisfied the wife. inconsiderate. the queue was already so long and yet, gah! i was scowling by the time i left the place.
re-reading through this post, it has dawned upon my realization that i am being very whiny and pathetic. i am complaining and its not as if i actually have something substantial to complain about. though the sun may not be really shining, im still breathing [or mebbe that could be the problem] and i'm in no sort of moral dillemma or melodramatic, traumatic crisis whatsoever.
it's just petty pissy-offyness and quite childish at that.
sad. i am sad.
i probab should snap out of it dammit.
i feel a bit apologetic really. not for feeling down because i still firmly believe i have every right to feel whatever i want to feel. i feel apologetic to the people i'm hanging out with who bear with my mood swings and the recurrent funk that i sink into without clear reason, cause nor warning.
but then again, why feel sorry? its a tad annoying as well that i'm so readily willing to apologize. apologize for what exactly? if you don't like it, i'm not stopping anybody from leaving me alone until i get better. in fact, i LIKE being alone..but people, i'm expected to interact with people...since when did i care what others expect of me? always i suppose. nah, i've always been aware of it but most of the time, i completely disregard it..and sometimes, when i'm too tired to care myself, to spend my energy wading against the tide; i adhere to it.
i want to be alone.
and yet, i can't. not really.
why?
because of my best friend. its gets quite scary when our co-dependence for each other's prescence is brought to the surface. its scary merely visualizing ignoring her completely for even a day. ..or being bad company by being sullen and all shit-mooded. she'd understand but I will feel bad for you know, having her to spend her time with somebody who temporarily misanthropic.
that's fucked up isn't it?
today was downdowndown.
i was snarly and sarcastic the whole day and when i wasn't, i was either silent and listless [as my friend so cheerfully pointed out] or sleeping.
and i dropped my starsailor cd case and the tip of it chipped off. phuck.
*snarls*
oh the woe-someness of mood swings.
i'm a horribly self-indulgent, pathetic arse wallowing in depression when i clearly know i have no excuse to. i make myself sick.
snap out of it? uh.
i was held up at NTUC's cashier trying to pay for my ONE can of chrys. tea by this fussy father who decided to change the can on abalone they were buying. so the poor cashier had to run around finding the right can, of the the right brand and the right price that satisfied the wife. inconsiderate. the queue was already so long and yet, gah! i was scowling by the time i left the place.
re-reading through this post, it has dawned upon my realization that i am being very whiny and pathetic. i am complaining and its not as if i actually have something substantial to complain about. though the sun may not be really shining, im still breathing [or mebbe that could be the problem] and i'm in no sort of moral dillemma or melodramatic, traumatic crisis whatsoever.
it's just petty pissy-offyness and quite childish at that.
sad. i am sad.
i probab should snap out of it dammit.
i feel a bit apologetic really. not for feeling down because i still firmly believe i have every right to feel whatever i want to feel. i feel apologetic to the people i'm hanging out with who bear with my mood swings and the recurrent funk that i sink into without clear reason, cause nor warning.
but then again, why feel sorry? its a tad annoying as well that i'm so readily willing to apologize. apologize for what exactly? if you don't like it, i'm not stopping anybody from leaving me alone until i get better. in fact, i LIKE being alone..but people, i'm expected to interact with people...since when did i care what others expect of me? always i suppose. nah, i've always been aware of it but most of the time, i completely disregard it..and sometimes, when i'm too tired to care myself, to spend my energy wading against the tide; i adhere to it.
i want to be alone.
and yet, i can't. not really.
why?
because of my best friend. its gets quite scary when our co-dependence for each other's prescence is brought to the surface. its scary merely visualizing ignoring her completely for even a day. ..or being bad company by being sullen and all shit-mooded. she'd understand but I will feel bad for you know, having her to spend her time with somebody who temporarily misanthropic.
that's fucked up isn't it?
"Sunshine in the glory skies, when the broken men open up their eyes
Sunshine in the glory skies, when the day is long the clouds are high
We're stepping through the door, we're shooting from the heart
But if we get it wrong, they'll feed us to the sharks"
Sharkfood; Starsailor.
a bit like our education system isn't it? oh yes, we're allowed to 'make mistakes' but the consequenses[?] are so grave and the stigma attached to it. it's a silent killer.
"You take because your neighbour does not see
That would seem like lunacy to me
This is my head, you're in my world
And there's no-one but you girl
Tie your lover down while you are free
That would seem like pure hypocracy"
Fidelity; Starsailor
Sunshine in the glory skies, when the day is long the clouds are high
We're stepping through the door, we're shooting from the heart
But if we get it wrong, they'll feed us to the sharks"
Sharkfood; Starsailor.
a bit like our education system isn't it? oh yes, we're allowed to 'make mistakes' but the consequenses[?] are so grave and the stigma attached to it. it's a silent killer.
"You take because your neighbour does not see
That would seem like lunacy to me
This is my head, you're in my world
And there's no-one but you girl
Tie your lover down while you are free
That would seem like pure hypocracy"
Fidelity; Starsailor
Monday, January 26, 2004
make me fly.
"you've never learned to swallow it down, even when it's poison and it chokes you. And because I have learned it, because I don't bawl my eyes out over every bloody paper cut, you think I don't care. You think you can push me and push me and push me and I won't break"
-Draco Veritas (Cassandra Claire)
yayness, i bought myself the Starsailor and Nickeback's first CD!! whee. am quite cheery about it.
before i forget, i suppose i shud mention the 2nd madCAP reunion. it was pretty fun what with all the innuendos in Peter Pan..bern was unexpectedly a very good para-para dancer. it rained the whole day though so grk, orchard's no fun when it's pouring/drizzling. Starbuck's mocha frapp! serious caffeine rush man. and because i hadn't eaten much, it went straight to my blood stream. by the time half the frapp was downed, i was buzzing so much i couldn't still. it's a funny feeling, both pleasant and not. it gives me the same buzz when ur infatuated sorta but also the queasy feeling that comes with exams. funny. i can only wonder how i would react when intoxicated with alcohol. thankfully, i don't think i'll ever find out.
heh, today was quite fun. my friend, an art student as well has this paper mache piece in the works consisting of a considerably realistic human hand. i was helping her carry it on the way home when i had a brill idea. i was wearing my baggy, mossy sweater and i stuck the forelimb up one of my sleeves and it was hilarious seeing people's reaction to it! my friend and i did stuff like shaking hands and her sudd pulling it out and me then screaming my head off flapping my 'handless' sleeve...whee! it was funny doing ordinary stuff like pushing my hair back or checking out a pair of sneakers and to catch the expressions of passing people when they see a silver paper mache hand instead lol. i even managed to maneuver[?] the arm realistically! heh.
i really, REALLY like my art teacher. he's so nice! he gave the four of us hong baos[$4] even tho we didn't even visit him and we loitered at the car park so that 'co-incidentally' see us and give us a ride to the MRT station. i'm so glad that he'll only be leaving after we graduate..honestly, thinking about it. he spoils us quite. i mean, he gives us a free reign[?] in the art room and full excess to all it's materials no questions asked. and he lets us bend the rules too. we're allowed to eat/drink/use handphones/discmans openly and make as much noise and mayhem as we want. *sighs* i'll miss the days.
"Love. Such a selfish emotion. It feels only its own pains, knows only its own fervor, suffers only when its ambitions are thwarted. It makes the body a slave, and shackles the will to its narrow desires - and yet it is thought ennobling, why is that?"
-Draco Veritas (Cassandra Claire)
-Draco Veritas (Cassandra Claire)
yayness, i bought myself the Starsailor and Nickeback's first CD!! whee. am quite cheery about it.
before i forget, i suppose i shud mention the 2nd madCAP reunion. it was pretty fun what with all the innuendos in Peter Pan..bern was unexpectedly a very good para-para dancer. it rained the whole day though so grk, orchard's no fun when it's pouring/drizzling. Starbuck's mocha frapp! serious caffeine rush man. and because i hadn't eaten much, it went straight to my blood stream. by the time half the frapp was downed, i was buzzing so much i couldn't still. it's a funny feeling, both pleasant and not. it gives me the same buzz when ur infatuated sorta but also the queasy feeling that comes with exams. funny. i can only wonder how i would react when intoxicated with alcohol. thankfully, i don't think i'll ever find out.
heh, today was quite fun. my friend, an art student as well has this paper mache piece in the works consisting of a considerably realistic human hand. i was helping her carry it on the way home when i had a brill idea. i was wearing my baggy, mossy sweater and i stuck the forelimb up one of my sleeves and it was hilarious seeing people's reaction to it! my friend and i did stuff like shaking hands and her sudd pulling it out and me then screaming my head off flapping my 'handless' sleeve...whee! it was funny doing ordinary stuff like pushing my hair back or checking out a pair of sneakers and to catch the expressions of passing people when they see a silver paper mache hand instead lol. i even managed to maneuver[?] the arm realistically! heh.
i really, REALLY like my art teacher. he's so nice! he gave the four of us hong baos[$4] even tho we didn't even visit him and we loitered at the car park so that 'co-incidentally' see us and give us a ride to the MRT station. i'm so glad that he'll only be leaving after we graduate..honestly, thinking about it. he spoils us quite. i mean, he gives us a free reign[?] in the art room and full excess to all it's materials no questions asked. and he lets us bend the rules too. we're allowed to eat/drink/use handphones/discmans openly and make as much noise and mayhem as we want. *sighs* i'll miss the days.
"Love. Such a selfish emotion. It feels only its own pains, knows only its own fervor, suffers only when its ambitions are thwarted. It makes the body a slave, and shackles the will to its narrow desires - and yet it is thought ennobling, why is that?"
-Draco Veritas (Cassandra Claire)
Sunday, January 25, 2004
never again.
NOte To Self: Post-Its are cool, but stick they do not when you're caught in the thronging masses of squealing girls with a complete and blatant disrespect for my need of personal space.
i am pissed because a girl who was completely NORMAL except for a lousy showercap got picked and i didn't because everybody was squishing me. that is the lowest. pft. i was covered in over 700++ Post-Its and no, not even a look. i had a bloody METAL bucket on my head. Cello??
grk. it was all fun and fine when we were sticking the Post-Its on me. it was really funny. and i had all these corny/lame/dirty one-liners spilling out of my mouth and when i hopped, all the Post-Its shook and i look like [as my friend so readily pointed out] a short Big Bird. it was FUNNY ok and i caught somebody sneaking a shot of me on her Exilim. i WANT that camera. but no matter.
honestly, what really got me was all the shoving i received. i hated it. i got claustrophobic and seriously PISSED. like, i need to breathe?? gerroff me! fuck. never again.
but i suppose it was good i experienced the Crowds now at a roadshow then sometime in the future at a concert i paid $100 to attend and realize im not having a good time cuz im getting crushed. yes.
huh. and i realized something was wrong with me when Utt appeared and i appeared to be the only one not caught up in the mass hysteria. hrm. i'm a do-crazy-stuff-in-public person, but not really shrieking-in-public person...unexpectedly. i thought i was, and yet i'm not. the only screaming i did was to try and get them to PICK me so i could get out of the friggin; crowd. and half and hour after he appeared and after i lost about 50% of my hearing capabilities, i realized how STUPID it all was.
it's just a guy. coincidentally a cuter than the average cute guy but it was ONLY him. and all these girls were shrieking at him, telling him how hot he was and that he has a cute butt and...well throwing themselves at him. i realized how sad and pathetic it was getting. and i especially realized how this was all inflating his most probably already inflated ego and that dearies, was what really made me feel sick. i wanted to tell them to you know, to just get a grip but they wouldn't have paid attention to me anyways. so, i valiantly continued my attempts to get picked to make the entire thing at least worth it (and the $60).
i'm not sure whether i've mentioned it earlier but if you asked me again to parade covered in 700++ POst-Its with a bucket on my head down Orchard Road, yes i will. a LOUD resounding yes. but never, ever at a mob-like roadshow. or any mob. ever.
no.
NO.
NEVER.
i am pissed because a girl who was completely NORMAL except for a lousy showercap got picked and i didn't because everybody was squishing me. that is the lowest. pft. i was covered in over 700++ Post-Its and no, not even a look. i had a bloody METAL bucket on my head. Cello??
grk. it was all fun and fine when we were sticking the Post-Its on me. it was really funny. and i had all these corny/lame/dirty one-liners spilling out of my mouth and when i hopped, all the Post-Its shook and i look like [as my friend so readily pointed out] a short Big Bird. it was FUNNY ok and i caught somebody sneaking a shot of me on her Exilim. i WANT that camera. but no matter.
honestly, what really got me was all the shoving i received. i hated it. i got claustrophobic and seriously PISSED. like, i need to breathe?? gerroff me! fuck. never again.
but i suppose it was good i experienced the Crowds now at a roadshow then sometime in the future at a concert i paid $100 to attend and realize im not having a good time cuz im getting crushed. yes.
huh. and i realized something was wrong with me when Utt appeared and i appeared to be the only one not caught up in the mass hysteria. hrm. i'm a do-crazy-stuff-in-public person, but not really shrieking-in-public person...unexpectedly. i thought i was, and yet i'm not. the only screaming i did was to try and get them to PICK me so i could get out of the friggin; crowd. and half and hour after he appeared and after i lost about 50% of my hearing capabilities, i realized how STUPID it all was.
it's just a guy. coincidentally a cuter than the average cute guy but it was ONLY him. and all these girls were shrieking at him, telling him how hot he was and that he has a cute butt and...well throwing themselves at him. i realized how sad and pathetic it was getting. and i especially realized how this was all inflating his most probably already inflated ego and that dearies, was what really made me feel sick. i wanted to tell them to you know, to just get a grip but they wouldn't have paid attention to me anyways. so, i valiantly continued my attempts to get picked to make the entire thing at least worth it (and the $60).
i'm not sure whether i've mentioned it earlier but if you asked me again to parade covered in 700++ POst-Its with a bucket on my head down Orchard Road, yes i will. a LOUD resounding yes. but never, ever at a mob-like roadshow. or any mob. ever.
no.
NO.
NEVER.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
note to self and other "normal" people
-->under no circumstances shall you got to East Coast Park when it's wet, gloomy and especially if it's at night [invisible mud puddles are eville] and camping over is just INHUMANE. right? right.
i mean, hello??? camping is supposed to be nice, warm and a bit windy. not waiting for the chicken to cook while enjoying the a-bit-heavier-drizzle. cant say i had a abso. crappy time ystd. went to the jetty which was NOT near by, gack. by the time we got there, our crayfish got cold and weird tasting. *sighs* at least my stomach isnt convulsing in protest this morning. anyways, it was nice looking out at the waves and just chatting.
can you believe my 'tougher' relatives are still roughing it out there this morning?? geez. it's cold, wet and raining. and the only thing worse that BBQ-ing when its cold, wet and raining [ie. ystd] is waking up and having to take a shower when its cold wet and raining. yayness.
their sufffering out there and here i am, sitting comfortably in front of my computer in semi-darkness listening to bjork. hello?
im almost embarassed at my state of outdoorsy non-sportingness. oh wait- im not. potentially stumbling on some dog/cat shit in pitch darkness is NOT my definition of fun.
i mean, hello??? camping is supposed to be nice, warm and a bit windy. not waiting for the chicken to cook while enjoying the a-bit-heavier-drizzle. cant say i had a abso. crappy time ystd. went to the jetty which was NOT near by, gack. by the time we got there, our crayfish got cold and weird tasting. *sighs* at least my stomach isnt convulsing in protest this morning. anyways, it was nice looking out at the waves and just chatting.
can you believe my 'tougher' relatives are still roughing it out there this morning?? geez. it's cold, wet and raining. and the only thing worse that BBQ-ing when its cold, wet and raining [ie. ystd] is waking up and having to take a shower when its cold wet and raining. yayness.
their sufffering out there and here i am, sitting comfortably in front of my computer in semi-darkness listening to bjork. hello?
im almost embarassed at my state of outdoorsy non-sportingness. oh wait- im not. potentially stumbling on some dog/cat shit in pitch darkness is NOT my definition of fun.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
*funny incident*
{about to leave the house with my family to go to the cinema}
Mudder: tris, tie ur drawstring pants.
Brudder/tris: huh? i tuck it in can areddi lah!
me: [seeing something i wished i ddn] tris! ur not wearing briefs!
brudder: i am!
me: ur not!
brudder: i am!
me: ur not! i saw! ur not!
mudder: [gropes his butt] ur not tris!
me: and you can so blatantly lie!
brudder: hrngh!
*note: my brudder's in P4 and i ddn see his bits, i saw his groin area. but even if i did, it wudn be a big deal cuz he does do a fair share of wokking around nude so.
**i just find this exchange of words rather amusing lol
Mudder: tris, tie ur drawstring pants.
Brudder/tris: huh? i tuck it in can areddi lah!
me: [seeing something i wished i ddn] tris! ur not wearing briefs!
brudder: i am!
me: ur not!
brudder: i am!
me: ur not! i saw! ur not!
mudder: [gropes his butt] ur not tris!
me: and you can so blatantly lie!
brudder: hrngh!
*note: my brudder's in P4 and i ddn see his bits, i saw his groin area. but even if i did, it wudn be a big deal cuz he does do a fair share of wokking around nude so.
**i just find this exchange of words rather amusing lol
pain, the pain!
yes, you guessed it. i'm in pain.
it's the aftermath of 7 hours of ice-skating.
times like these, i ask myself why i torture myself so. why do i wilingly go through it, knowing that it leaves my thighs and calves sore, ankles aching and every joint protesting against movement and limping my way through the next few days. then i remember.
i like it.
*the skating; not the pain you sadistic freak.*
anyways, my phone is working again! i salute you godly Nokia engineers. honestly! my phone was WET ystd, the INSIDE metal bits were wet and all the buttons were not responding then this morning- woah. although dammit, now i dont have an excuse to wheedle out a new phone from my dad. oh well.
ddn do any "happy CNY" msging today-unexpectedly. ive been ignoring my phone and the messages that i receive quite a bit akshulli. and consistently ignoring a certain sender. he just...annoys me u noe? he's a nice guy i suposse but mebbe he's just too...forward for my liking. ironically still, i feel guilty. geez.
whatever.
moving ON, i finally managed to catch School of Rock today
{squeals} the drummer! the drummer! he's SO draco!!! {/squeal} yes, now that THAT'S over, i'll just like to add that watching the flick made me feel awfully sad [no, not at the horrid state of Jack Black's hair] at my lack of musical talent. oh woe is me, i have no sense of rhythm whatsoever and i really would LOVE to rock out like they did. heck, i akshulli LIKED my short stint in my school band cuz i honestly do love the idea of making music.
i just wished i was competent enuff.
frock, i couldn't even manage playing my recorder during music lessons. *sighs* oh the shame.
im feeling really wistful about it now. i've always wanted to play the drums. but like my band instructor told me eons ago and my ineptness of CAPcupping showed, i have no rhythm/hand-eye coordination or whatever you need to play.
and i really liked my clarinet or the short time i spent with it anyway. it's just that my fingers simply refused to obey and my mind was too...slow? to read the notes etc.
it's hopeless.
i suppose i'll just sit back and enjoy music since i cant create it and when i do try, i destroy it. i'll be a groupie and yes, worship the music.
it's the aftermath of 7 hours of ice-skating.
times like these, i ask myself why i torture myself so. why do i wilingly go through it, knowing that it leaves my thighs and calves sore, ankles aching and every joint protesting against movement and limping my way through the next few days. then i remember.
i like it.
*the skating; not the pain you sadistic freak.*
anyways, my phone is working again! i salute you godly Nokia engineers. honestly! my phone was WET ystd, the INSIDE metal bits were wet and all the buttons were not responding then this morning- woah. although dammit, now i dont have an excuse to wheedle out a new phone from my dad. oh well.
ddn do any "happy CNY" msging today-unexpectedly. ive been ignoring my phone and the messages that i receive quite a bit akshulli. and consistently ignoring a certain sender. he just...annoys me u noe? he's a nice guy i suposse but mebbe he's just too...forward for my liking. ironically still, i feel guilty. geez.
whatever.
moving ON, i finally managed to catch School of Rock today
{squeals} the drummer! the drummer! he's SO draco!!! {/squeal} yes, now that THAT'S over, i'll just like to add that watching the flick made me feel awfully sad [no, not at the horrid state of Jack Black's hair] at my lack of musical talent. oh woe is me, i have no sense of rhythm whatsoever and i really would LOVE to rock out like they did. heck, i akshulli LIKED my short stint in my school band cuz i honestly do love the idea of making music.
i just wished i was competent enuff.
frock, i couldn't even manage playing my recorder during music lessons. *sighs* oh the shame.
im feeling really wistful about it now. i've always wanted to play the drums. but like my band instructor told me eons ago and my ineptness of CAPcupping showed, i have no rhythm/hand-eye coordination or whatever you need to play.
and i really liked my clarinet or the short time i spent with it anyway. it's just that my fingers simply refused to obey and my mind was too...slow? to read the notes etc.
it's hopeless.
i suppose i'll just sit back and enjoy music since i cant create it and when i do try, i destroy it. i'll be a groupie and yes, worship the music.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
i've decided.
i've read a couple of bloGs with posts discussing the amount of bare truth or the lack of it in their own bloGgs. they say they feel...guilty? that their sometimes not completely honest in their entries.
i used to think that one should be honest as well, brutally if so. but now, im starting to feel that i shudn't feel obligated to compromise my position and write stuff [vomit out] what i really feel. i shudn't be obligated to expose myself for the world to poke, prod and analyse. i suppose this is where i draw the line concerning my privacy and how much of myslef i want to disclose to the world wide web.
i'm not going to be brutally honest if i don't want to, i will write what i want and it's my right to edit, falsify, blatantly lie or be painfully bitchy if i want to. henceforth, i'm putting in a disclaimer.
i used to think that one should be honest as well, brutally if so. but now, im starting to feel that i shudn't feel obligated to compromise my position and write stuff [vomit out] what i really feel. i shudn't be obligated to expose myself for the world to poke, prod and analyse. i suppose this is where i draw the line concerning my privacy and how much of myslef i want to disclose to the world wide web.
i'm not going to be brutally honest if i don't want to, i will write what i want and it's my right to edit, falsify, blatantly lie or be painfully bitchy if i want to. henceforth, i'm putting in a disclaimer.
tired bliss.
there's this malay drama on Suria revolving around the life and troubles of teenage delinquents [oh cliches galore!] but it's entertaining!
i laugh my arse off...at the not supposed to be funny bits. like the lead "lian"; i find her lines extremely amusing. she a good actress i suppose, but it just sounds FUNNY.
eg: "eh, budak taik!"
translated, it means "eh, shit kid!"
its sounds funnier in malay.
i laugh my arse off...at the not supposed to be funny bits. like the lead "lian"; i find her lines extremely amusing. she a good actress i suppose, but it just sounds FUNNY.
eg: "eh, budak taik!"
translated, it means "eh, shit kid!"
its sounds funnier in malay.
if figure skating was easy; it'd be called hockey.
hee, this figure skater guy had that slogan on his T today. i find it funny cuz there's always been a slight rivalry between hockey and figure skaters. the hockey's find figure skating sissy and geeky and the f.skater's find them brash, rude with no class at all.
it's quite funny akshulli; both feeling disdainful of each other and being unhappy at the space the other takes up.
me? i prefer figure skating. generally, it's an alone thing. the hockey skaters are very clique-y. like today, there was a whole bunch of them and when one of them falls down, the one nearest to him wud skate up and spray ice on the fella. it's all good-natured but still. and they speed skate in groups which for me, is NOT a good thing. fortunately though, im competent enuff not to be left spinning out of control when they zoom by me. im not great, but im *competent* so yay.
honestly, i dont really like the h.skaters. they swagger and are very...hao lian. pft. and there were a bunch of girls today with hockey skates swaggering around [yes, you can swagger/strut when you skate] but i reckon i could skate better than them. *rolls eyes*
yes, im shamelessly dissing them and simultaneously putting in a good word for myself.
grk, i fell down and my phone skidded on the ice and landed in a puddle of water. it's gone kookoo but generally, 3610s are pretty hardy. ive dropped mine from th etop of my double decker bed so many times ive lost count so it SHUD be ok. *crosses fingers*
heh, tokking bout falls, ive had my fair share of embarassing ones. once, i collided head-on with this beng who was going really fast and the both of us literally flew before landing on the ice. *shudders* that one was the worst ive had so far.
another time, i stumbled and landed on my knees so i was in a kneeling position. i skidded and slammed into the tranparent plexiglass [?] barrier ala cartoon style just as a group of ppl were wokking by. now THAT, was mortifying.
how crazy/masochistic can i get when it comes to skating? once, i was so caught up in it, that i ddn realize something was wrong even though my foot was hurting like HELL. even though i was hobbling around like i just started skating, i continued because i though it wud go away. when i came home, i realized that i had strained my ankle and it had gone all swollen and red. gah.
i feel a bit bad today, because i um, collided with ppl a couple of times today. i ddn make them fall but it's embarassing. sometimes, i misjudge and my arm/foot swings out at the wrong time and the wrong place. and sometimes, i collide with them because uh, here's a secret: i can't stop.
i honestly don't know how to. i can stop when i want to but when it comes to situations that require immediate braking and when you're going fast, i can't. damn. it's rEALLY embarassing.
it's quite funny akshulli; both feeling disdainful of each other and being unhappy at the space the other takes up.
me? i prefer figure skating. generally, it's an alone thing. the hockey skaters are very clique-y. like today, there was a whole bunch of them and when one of them falls down, the one nearest to him wud skate up and spray ice on the fella. it's all good-natured but still. and they speed skate in groups which for me, is NOT a good thing. fortunately though, im competent enuff not to be left spinning out of control when they zoom by me. im not great, but im *competent* so yay.
honestly, i dont really like the h.skaters. they swagger and are very...hao lian. pft. and there were a bunch of girls today with hockey skates swaggering around [yes, you can swagger/strut when you skate] but i reckon i could skate better than them. *rolls eyes*
yes, im shamelessly dissing them and simultaneously putting in a good word for myself.
grk, i fell down and my phone skidded on the ice and landed in a puddle of water. it's gone kookoo but generally, 3610s are pretty hardy. ive dropped mine from th etop of my double decker bed so many times ive lost count so it SHUD be ok. *crosses fingers*
heh, tokking bout falls, ive had my fair share of embarassing ones. once, i collided head-on with this beng who was going really fast and the both of us literally flew before landing on the ice. *shudders* that one was the worst ive had so far.
another time, i stumbled and landed on my knees so i was in a kneeling position. i skidded and slammed into the tranparent plexiglass [?] barrier ala cartoon style just as a group of ppl were wokking by. now THAT, was mortifying.
how crazy/masochistic can i get when it comes to skating? once, i was so caught up in it, that i ddn realize something was wrong even though my foot was hurting like HELL. even though i was hobbling around like i just started skating, i continued because i though it wud go away. when i came home, i realized that i had strained my ankle and it had gone all swollen and red. gah.
i feel a bit bad today, because i um, collided with ppl a couple of times today. i ddn make them fall but it's embarassing. sometimes, i misjudge and my arm/foot swings out at the wrong time and the wrong place. and sometimes, i collide with them because uh, here's a secret: i can't stop.
i honestly don't know how to. i can stop when i want to but when it comes to situations that require immediate braking and when you're going fast, i can't. damn. it's rEALLY embarassing.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
if you can read this, you're too close.
i feel a bit stupid. there are reasons for my.....um, stupidity. ok i'll shut up now before i really end up sounding stupid. whoops, too laate.
fuck, dont read this entry please. honestly, it's crap.
the title; its supposed to be a bumper sticker but i thought it might make sense here as well.
plagued by PMS today. spent alot of time alone and an hour taking a nap on the porcelain throne at school because i skipped malay in an attempt to avoid my teacher and the pile of homework i have not done.
i spent an hour in the teensy toilet cubicle perched on the bowl in an unexpectedly comfy position and managed to take a proper shut-eye while listening to coldplay.
a friend of mine got assaulted by a bunch of malay girls claiming she was out to steal their guy or someting like that. shit, she had bruises and knife scratches and they cut her hair. fuck them. i feel so...violated that they treated her that way. it's impossible that she was guilty of what they accused her of because she's currently really hung up on this other guy SO. my god. fuck. i feel horrid and i'm not even sure why.
i have this habit...or character attribute i suppose. i tend to assimilate/absorb other people's troubles and i carry them around with me in addition of my own shit.
i'm horribly self-indulgent. oh no.
PMS sucketh muchos. extreme moodswings galore....let's see, one moment i was staring moodily into blank space and the next, we were sticking my post-it's on our heads with words like "empty" and "hollow" and sticking quotes of Shakespeare on our mouths..truly ridiculous.
occured to me that before CAP, or the portfolio; i never used to write much. i only wrote for school assignments and in my diary. im not even sur ei enjoy writing much. i suppose i do, since it comes to me more than usual nowadays.
oh happiness. another character attribute: i readily sink into moody depression but i feel the need to stay chirpy and smiley when others are in depressed even if i feel just a low. an effort to keep things light-hearted i suppose. even if it doesn't really work. weird.
fuck, dont read this entry please. honestly, it's crap.
the title; its supposed to be a bumper sticker but i thought it might make sense here as well.
plagued by PMS today. spent alot of time alone and an hour taking a nap on the porcelain throne at school because i skipped malay in an attempt to avoid my teacher and the pile of homework i have not done.
i spent an hour in the teensy toilet cubicle perched on the bowl in an unexpectedly comfy position and managed to take a proper shut-eye while listening to coldplay.
a friend of mine got assaulted by a bunch of malay girls claiming she was out to steal their guy or someting like that. shit, she had bruises and knife scratches and they cut her hair. fuck them. i feel so...violated that they treated her that way. it's impossible that she was guilty of what they accused her of because she's currently really hung up on this other guy SO. my god. fuck. i feel horrid and i'm not even sure why.
i have this habit...or character attribute i suppose. i tend to assimilate/absorb other people's troubles and i carry them around with me in addition of my own shit.
i'm horribly self-indulgent. oh no.
PMS sucketh muchos. extreme moodswings galore....let's see, one moment i was staring moodily into blank space and the next, we were sticking my post-it's on our heads with words like "empty" and "hollow" and sticking quotes of Shakespeare on our mouths..truly ridiculous.
occured to me that before CAP, or the portfolio; i never used to write much. i only wrote for school assignments and in my diary. im not even sur ei enjoy writing much. i suppose i do, since it comes to me more than usual nowadays.
oh happiness. another character attribute: i readily sink into moody depression but i feel the need to stay chirpy and smiley when others are in depressed even if i feel just a low. an effort to keep things light-hearted i suppose. even if it doesn't really work. weird.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
grk.
know what annoys me?
spelling errors in MSN nicks. not the careless ones, mind you.
can someone please tell a certain someone that there is only one C in exotic?
*smirks*
spelling errors in MSN nicks. not the careless ones, mind you.
can someone please tell a certain someone that there is only one C in exotic?
*smirks*
Friday, January 16, 2004
the poodle
she was nice to me today. *gagpukegag* i'm not falling for it you biyatch!
ooh, more crazy stuff involving paper coloured with black marker! lol, erm, i had my hitler moustache on but we crried it on further. i cut out more strips of paper to make the arrows [?] that for a sergeant rank and the straps of cloth you out on your shouldr and it really looked convincing! and with a bad, not-so German accent and the Nazi salute, it was hilarious.
ok, I thought it was funny. /some/ ppl tot it wasnt. pah, notably those who had to work to earn their rank since their in ACTUAl uniform group whereas, i <> manged to do so in less than half an hour! *sour grapes*
went orchard with mudder for mother-daughter bonding sesh. i do NOT like coffee bean's mocha frapp. *sighs* my mother was too lazy to walk to starbucks cuz we were "all the way" at Centerpoint. geez.
i spent some time roaming around Heeren by myself and *hyprventilates* i found an Emily sweater!!!!!!!!!!!! the ORIGINAL!!!!!! the one designed, made and printed by Cosmic Debris all the way from the US!!!!! not the cheaplow quality ones thats printed in thailand!! it was GORGEOUS!!!!
::breathesbreathes::
..it was $80.
*crawls into a corner to sulk and moan about her empty wallet*
ooh, more crazy stuff involving paper coloured with black marker! lol, erm, i had my hitler moustache on but we crried it on further. i cut out more strips of paper to make the arrows [?] that for a sergeant rank and the straps of cloth you out on your shouldr and it really looked convincing! and with a bad, not-so German accent and the Nazi salute, it was hilarious.
ok, I thought it was funny. /some/ ppl tot it wasnt. pah, notably those who had to work to earn their rank since their in ACTUAl uniform group whereas, i <
went orchard with mudder for mother-daughter bonding sesh. i do NOT like coffee bean's mocha frapp. *sighs* my mother was too lazy to walk to starbucks cuz we were "all the way" at Centerpoint. geez.
i spent some time roaming around Heeren by myself and *hyprventilates* i found an Emily sweater!!!!!!!!!!!! the ORIGINAL!!!!!! the one designed, made and printed by Cosmic Debris all the way from the US!!!!! not the cheaplow quality ones thats printed in thailand!! it was GORGEOUS!!!!
::breathesbreathes::
..it was $80.
*crawls into a corner to sulk and moan about her empty wallet*
Thursday, January 15, 2004
++whee++
yes.
YES.
blogger has a new posting layout!! it's great, doesn't hang [..yet] and it's more clear and its generally muchos better to 'work' with.
thank you invisible people working behind Blogger to make it a more wonderful experience, whee!!
gak, im feeling very light-headed and dizzy all of a sudden. my head is *spinning*...ok, what's wrong with me?
YES.
blogger has a new posting layout!! it's great, doesn't hang [..yet] and it's more clear and its generally muchos better to 'work' with.
thank you invisible people working behind Blogger to make it a more wonderful experience, whee!!
gak, im feeling very light-headed and dizzy all of a sudden. my head is *spinning*...ok, what's wrong with me?
 I am a Top-hat.I'm a bit of a jack-of-all-trades; creative, in a stylistic sort of way, a little vain, a little dark, perhaps a little archaic. I get on alright with people, but I can take them or leave them. What Sort of Hat Are You? |
or/and
 I am a Beret.I am an art-house artist. I do things in unusual ways; if I were to make a movie, it would be notably 'independent'. If I were to make music, it would be 'experimental'. I may sometimes seem pretentious, but it's not a pretence. What Sort of Hat Are You? |
i am a self-proclaimed masochist
why do i say so?
because i have been putting myself through the torment of combing through the iPod pages and eBay. i stare at the pictures, longing, wanting, needing the iPod.
lol. that sounds a tad dodgy but no matter.
i want it. bad.
because i have been putting myself through the torment of combing through the iPod pages and eBay. i stare at the pictures, longing, wanting, needing the iPod.
lol. that sounds a tad dodgy but no matter.
i want it. bad.
i got kicked out of CME class
i cant believe it myself and for the most unreasonable fuckiest reason! geez. i was DOODLING in my sketch book. the first time, she asked me a question hoping to catch me unaware but i managed to answer it since i was half-listening and did so with considerable eloquence which i think pissed her off a tad. so pah, i continued doodling..i honestly didn't see any wrong in it and then she asked me to get out of class 'and go to the art room' or some shit like that. i was SHOCKED. she was absofuckinglutely over-reacting and i wasnt sure she was serious so i sat there and blinked at her for a few moments before i got up and left. geez. i wasnt even DISRUPTING the class...wtf?
hah, and if you think that's the end of the story...oh no. i havent mentioned the mandatory after-lecture. do you know what fuckshit she told me???
[quote] "i've noticed you before...you speak well and sound educated but you act uneducated."
i was stunned. why?
cuz the noticing me before bit was her referring to my um, trouble-maker "record" and what really got me is, i act UNEDUCATED???
now clearly, i havent been acting hooliganish in her class since today was only our second lesson and i do NOT think doodling in class is....uneducated. she has been under the fucking impression that i was a stereotypical stupid, no-gooder. she had thought that i was uneducated!!! she had categorized me into the 'delinquent bum who'll end up with 20++ for my O's and be a nuisance to the school and society'!!!
i have NEVER been so insulted in my whole life.
i have been kicked out of class, and gravely insulted by a fucking poodle.
i hope her hair bursts into flames and the chemicals give her cancer the next time she perms the abnomility that lives on her head.
i am so peeved.
hah, and if you think that's the end of the story...oh no. i havent mentioned the mandatory after-lecture. do you know what fuckshit she told me???
[quote] "i've noticed you before...you speak well and sound educated but you act uneducated."
i was stunned. why?
cuz the noticing me before bit was her referring to my um, trouble-maker "record" and what really got me is, i act UNEDUCATED???
now clearly, i havent been acting hooliganish in her class since today was only our second lesson and i do NOT think doodling in class is....uneducated. she has been under the fucking impression that i was a stereotypical stupid, no-gooder. she had thought that i was uneducated!!! she had categorized me into the 'delinquent bum who'll end up with 20++ for my O's and be a nuisance to the school and society'!!!
i have NEVER been so insulted in my whole life.
i have been kicked out of class, and gravely insulted by a fucking poodle.
i hope her hair bursts into flames and the chemicals give her cancer the next time she perms the abnomility that lives on her head.
i am so peeved.
Monday, January 12, 2004
staring failure in the eye.
[aura:tired and stinky.]
didnt get in to the mentorship programme thang. im ok i suppose. i kinda expected it so when i received the news [at 5 something in the morning no less], i was quite ok. but THT was because i um, was half-asleep. it only really dawned upon me on the way to school in the bus..but still im fine. it wasn't my best work and if that's my standard, well yeah.
i suppose i was harbouring a bit of.....pissy-offyness because i DID have several short outbursts lamenting the rejection to my clueless and unfortunate friends.
my reaction to events that upset me is pretty unstable. i'm mostly quiet and i sub-consciously throw myself into work for distraction. so all is calm in the surface then BOOM. my outburst, a very loud, fast rattling of whatver is upsetting me and woe betide to teh person on the receiving end. cuz it can get very LOUD and i speak vERY fast so i end up sounding like a hyperactive, upset squirrel on caffeine. lol. a tad embarassing though cuz ppl tend to stare.
pay no attention to my title. its just a phrase that ran through my head the whole day, esp when i was facing my art teacher, my supposed "empty" folio and blank giant paper. shit.
i don't know why, but my teacher has this aura that just makes you want to seek his approval. and he's not mean..he's a nice old uncle who jokes with us etc. oh well. but i figured what to do for my o level paper1 final piece. *phew* now let's just hope it turns out well.
my biggest fear: mediocrity.
didnt get in to the mentorship programme thang. im ok i suppose. i kinda expected it so when i received the news [at 5 something in the morning no less], i was quite ok. but THT was because i um, was half-asleep. it only really dawned upon me on the way to school in the bus..but still im fine. it wasn't my best work and if that's my standard, well yeah.
i suppose i was harbouring a bit of.....pissy-offyness because i DID have several short outbursts lamenting the rejection to my clueless and unfortunate friends.
my reaction to events that upset me is pretty unstable. i'm mostly quiet and i sub-consciously throw myself into work for distraction. so all is calm in the surface then BOOM. my outburst, a very loud, fast rattling of whatver is upsetting me and woe betide to teh person on the receiving end. cuz it can get very LOUD and i speak vERY fast so i end up sounding like a hyperactive, upset squirrel on caffeine. lol. a tad embarassing though cuz ppl tend to stare.
pay no attention to my title. its just a phrase that ran through my head the whole day, esp when i was facing my art teacher, my supposed "empty" folio and blank giant paper. shit.
i don't know why, but my teacher has this aura that just makes you want to seek his approval. and he's not mean..he's a nice old uncle who jokes with us etc. oh well. but i figured what to do for my o level paper1 final piece. *phew* now let's just hope it turns out well.
my biggest fear: mediocrity.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
werglewerglewergle
..im suffering from the effects of drinking too much chocolate milk when you're lactose intolerant. oh what fun.
blogspot is fucking up again, more proof that it sucketh muchos. everytime i try to go to a blogspot bloGg, it redirects me to the home page.
oh yes, rant of the day: my religious classes.
don't get me wrong, i have nothing against islam and it's teachings. in fact, i like being a muslim. i howerver cannot stand the classes my mother makes me attend. i can't STAND it. i hate the preachy way they teach and i'm bored to death there..gerk, and obviously it's in MALAY which makes it even worse. ive failed all the exams and my mum still refuses to release me from the torment. *sighs* ALSO in my opinion, the way she keeps forcing me there, i feel it;s making me turn away from it all which is definitely not good.
half the time when i actually go, i plug in into my trusty discman. so while he's doing his preachy thang, i'm listening to my evanescence...what about the other half when i don't go? truancy. hey, i don't like it much either. i have nowhere to go! name me one shopping center or library that's opened at 8 in the morning?? *sighs* so i end up making rounds all over singapore on the mrt. i NEED somewhere to go for 3hrs on sunday mornings, gack.
**********************************************
my mudder asked as well why i hate being made to speak malay. i suppose it's traumatic. because it's horridly awkward and being like other normal people, try to avoid awkward situations. and also because of prior and current experiences of utter humiliation.
there have been incidents when certain people taunted the fact i speak english and english only.
incidents when people taunt my weirdly 'accented' malay.
..so i suppose i sub-consciously stopped speaking it. still happens now and then when a word pops into a sentence and i'm still greeted by laughs. of amusement this time but it stil makes me cringe.
*shrugs*
blogspot is fucking up again, more proof that it sucketh muchos. everytime i try to go to a blogspot bloGg, it redirects me to the home page.
oh yes, rant of the day: my religious classes.
don't get me wrong, i have nothing against islam and it's teachings. in fact, i like being a muslim. i howerver cannot stand the classes my mother makes me attend. i can't STAND it. i hate the preachy way they teach and i'm bored to death there..gerk, and obviously it's in MALAY which makes it even worse. ive failed all the exams and my mum still refuses to release me from the torment. *sighs* ALSO in my opinion, the way she keeps forcing me there, i feel it;s making me turn away from it all which is definitely not good.
half the time when i actually go, i plug in into my trusty discman. so while he's doing his preachy thang, i'm listening to my evanescence...what about the other half when i don't go? truancy. hey, i don't like it much either. i have nowhere to go! name me one shopping center or library that's opened at 8 in the morning?? *sighs* so i end up making rounds all over singapore on the mrt. i NEED somewhere to go for 3hrs on sunday mornings, gack.
**********************************************
my mudder asked as well why i hate being made to speak malay. i suppose it's traumatic. because it's horridly awkward and being like other normal people, try to avoid awkward situations. and also because of prior and current experiences of utter humiliation.
there have been incidents when certain people taunted the fact i speak english and english only.
incidents when people taunt my weirdly 'accented' malay.
..so i suppose i sub-consciously stopped speaking it. still happens now and then when a word pops into a sentence and i'm still greeted by laughs. of amusement this time but it stil makes me cringe.
*shrugs*
Friday, January 02, 2004
woah, fuck.
the first day of skule *SIGHS*
absofuckingly bittersweet. it was whack.
let's see...we got tham + tay! again! wahahahaha..lit's really gonna be fun and most of the times, irrelevent but hey, it;s the utter crapping that makes it so utterly..tham-ish.
rmb the snape-like teacher i was supposed to get this year for SS? he transferred! this really sucks, cuz he's a really fantastic teacher and we'll never have the 'oppurtunity' to be taught by him, gah! and you know what's even more incredulous? he ASKED to be transferred and SPECIFICALLY to West Spring Sec. no offense to West Spring ppl out there, but if he left OUR skule for THEIRS, he must really hate our p'pal and his other colleugues. FYI, west spring is typical, new /neighbourhood/ skule. well, really! ..i don't mean to be snobby and all, but hey!
the ickle firsties are really quiet. expected i suppose but i hope they warm up and start making NOISE by next week cuz last year's batch stayed quite the whole year i think. or mebbe they were drowned out by all the noise our batch was making. mmph! well anyway, my best friend had the 'brill' idea to go pop into one of the classes and pretend to be sec one...wud be funny, except we DON'T look sec one and if we *did*, i think i would be slightly insulted. pfft.
SO, we peeped in, and they were all sitting quietly in their individual seats..not talking. geez. i tell you, that's the problem when seats are arranged in invidual rows, exam-style. they don't talk. asked a few questions, trying to make small talk and was replied by frightened faces. god, they were like deer caught in the middle of the road. i sorta gave up then and started bantering with my best friend..which i realized entertained them. *hmmm* egads. ..so we continued ranting stupidly and crazily hoping to get them light-hearted enuff to well..make convos of their own. glerk, ddn quite work tho. but i caught a couple of them akshulli smiling so that's a teeny yay.
we only managed to go to one class because the Good Side [councillors] had already moved in into the others so we *couldn't* invade them. oh well. so we did the next best thing. we went up and down the sec one corridors screaming slogans. ok, so fine, i did most of the screaming but it was fun nonetheless. heheh, nonsensical rant basically..like telling them to start loving their maroon skirts. o0.
saw Tiger aka DM aka mr tan. he's hair's grown taller. think the p'pal went for a dressing course over the holz, she looks a TEENY bit better than usual. moan and groan we did when we realized who form teacher was.
pep talks galore and my former form teacher and current e.maths teacher promised to bring us to Malaysia after our 'o's..geez, i nearly said next year. Note to self: it's THIS year. This.
we love him, we really do. he's almost lieka father to us so who says old geezers arn't fun? their wry humour is...amusing.
i suppose my school in that aspect i quite cool. i really like my teachers. the ones i actually like, i like LOADS.
heh, so my operations manager. well, akshulli i smelled him before seeing him. i wonder what colgne he uses. must be a cheap one or he must be very rich to be able to replenish his supply so often. my mudder calls him mr.hot pants cuz likes to wear this teeny jogging shorts in schoo0l and it's really gross cuz he has really hairy legs. ick.
gack, but reality hit me once again that i wasn't in CAP later on in class. sitting with my friends and 'realized' that they had started conversing in Chinese and doink, i had no idea what was going on. so i turned away and plugged in my discman. *sigh* where the bloody hell is the ENGLISH??
absofuckingly bittersweet. it was whack.
let's see...we got tham + tay! again! wahahahaha..lit's really gonna be fun and most of the times, irrelevent but hey, it;s the utter crapping that makes it so utterly..tham-ish.
rmb the snape-like teacher i was supposed to get this year for SS? he transferred! this really sucks, cuz he's a really fantastic teacher and we'll never have the 'oppurtunity' to be taught by him, gah! and you know what's even more incredulous? he ASKED to be transferred and SPECIFICALLY to West Spring Sec. no offense to West Spring ppl out there, but if he left OUR skule for THEIRS, he must really hate our p'pal and his other colleugues. FYI, west spring is typical, new /neighbourhood/ skule. well, really! ..i don't mean to be snobby and all, but hey!
the ickle firsties are really quiet. expected i suppose but i hope they warm up and start making NOISE by next week cuz last year's batch stayed quite the whole year i think. or mebbe they were drowned out by all the noise our batch was making. mmph! well anyway, my best friend had the 'brill' idea to go pop into one of the classes and pretend to be sec one...wud be funny, except we DON'T look sec one and if we *did*, i think i would be slightly insulted. pfft.
SO, we peeped in, and they were all sitting quietly in their individual seats..not talking. geez. i tell you, that's the problem when seats are arranged in invidual rows, exam-style. they don't talk. asked a few questions, trying to make small talk and was replied by frightened faces. god, they were like deer caught in the middle of the road. i sorta gave up then and started bantering with my best friend..which i realized entertained them. *hmmm* egads. ..so we continued ranting stupidly and crazily hoping to get them light-hearted enuff to well..make convos of their own. glerk, ddn quite work tho. but i caught a couple of them akshulli smiling so that's a teeny yay.
we only managed to go to one class because the Good Side [councillors] had already moved in into the others so we *couldn't* invade them. oh well. so we did the next best thing. we went up and down the sec one corridors screaming slogans. ok, so fine, i did most of the screaming but it was fun nonetheless. heheh, nonsensical rant basically..like telling them to start loving their maroon skirts. o0.
saw Tiger aka DM aka mr tan. he's hair's grown taller. think the p'pal went for a dressing course over the holz, she looks a TEENY bit better than usual. moan and groan we did when we realized who form teacher was.
pep talks galore and my former form teacher and current e.maths teacher promised to bring us to Malaysia after our 'o's..geez, i nearly said next year. Note to self: it's THIS year. This.
we love him, we really do. he's almost lieka father to us so who says old geezers arn't fun? their wry humour is...amusing.
i suppose my school in that aspect i quite cool. i really like my teachers. the ones i actually like, i like LOADS.
heh, so my operations manager. well, akshulli i smelled him before seeing him. i wonder what colgne he uses. must be a cheap one or he must be very rich to be able to replenish his supply so often. my mudder calls him mr.hot pants cuz likes to wear this teeny jogging shorts in schoo0l and it's really gross cuz he has really hairy legs. ick.
gack, but reality hit me once again that i wasn't in CAP later on in class. sitting with my friends and 'realized' that they had started conversing in Chinese and doink, i had no idea what was going on. so i turned away and plugged in my discman. *sigh* where the bloody hell is the ENGLISH??
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